You know what? I don't think I can see myself with a guy anymore.
Here I am, procrastinating from writing an essay (that was technically due 4 hours ago), thinking to myself, "am I really gay?"
Trying to prove to myself that I am, think about the women I've had relations with, and it seems to menial. So trivial. Why do I need to prove anything? If I think I consider myself attracted to women, is that not enough? So I tried considering myself as straight to see how I felt about that. And I can't picture myself with a guy. Well, I can physically, but I can't see myself *dating* a guy.
Now, considering the amount of time I've spent outside of a relationship, this isn't particularly surprising, but what if it's more than that? I mean, I'm not afraid of my sexuality- I consider myself *fluid*, embracing namelessness in all it's glory. I don't need a label to define how other people look at me. Thus, *fluid*. For those of you who do need a label, pansexual, I suppose.
Discriminating against feelings you may have for a person because of what they associate as, or consider their gender to be, seems stupid. If you have feelings for a person, why should a label stand in the way of that? However, the concerns introduced in my leading statement to this post are directed towards the fact that I no longer know how I feel about a certain gender. Undeniably, I'm still physically attracted to them- men can be beautiful to look at, or be with. But I don't think I can see them as anything more than a means to satisfy carnal.. lust.
Granted, I could very well be pulling this out of my ass on account of my exhaustion, and because I've got an essay I need to write that I don't want to do, but it's been nagging me so I thought I'd vent. There's also the fact that I've been really preoccupied lately thinking about girls. A few in specific that I can't get out of my head; from whom I want more than just physical satiation.
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