Have you ever tried to hold your breath?
Just to see how long it takes for everything to go black.
Just so that maybe the air in your lungs would stop breathing.
Just so that maybe the hammer in your head would stop pounding.
And maybe the heart in your chest would stop beating.
I went to practice sad today. I hadn't heard from him all day, and we had gotten into a fight last night. I don't even know why we got in a fight.. something about the fact that I had taken a drag from my friend's cigarette. I don't think that's why we were mad at each other though. It doesn't make sense that a thing like that would cause such a huge argument. So it must've been something else, I just don't know what. Thing is, despite that that wasn't what I was upset over, I was still frustrated with him. I realized that maybe I don't know him as well as I thought I did. That maybe he isn't as sweet and innocent as I first believed him to be. I feel like I somehow.. broke him. He was so intent on "remaining pure" and being good, and not being physical.. and I pushed it till the sleeping male inside him woke up and demanded more. Demanded a more serious physical aspect to our relationship. I'm not saying he's demanding. I'm saying that he's changed, or awoken. Not that I mind.. I like being physical, I've already explained to him that I'm very open to things. I think I may have gotten the wrong message to him though. I'm afraid that he misunderstood "open" to mean "useable". It's probably a ridiculous, groundless thought, but I can't help feeling like I'm almost being used. I don't even know where I would get the idea from. Just... I don't know.
And then theres the idea that he's just messing with me, playing games with my head. He'll say things like "I wanted to say something, but it would make me sound like a dick" and, obviously, that leaves a person curious as to what he was going to say. I like when he tells me what he needs to say.. but when he dangles it in front of me... again, I don't know. I just feel like I'm being messed with. Despite it all, I can't help still feeling.. love? For him. I'm still in love with him, and it hurts when he say's things like " I feel like she's going to dump me, and I'm ok with that, as long as she's happy." I don't think he thinks very highly of me.
I know, this is wrong.. and I'm being a coward. I can't bring myself to say this to his face.. even writing this here took me a good couple hours, to word it all just right, to figure my thoughts out a bit.
I was saying how I was sad at practice today. I wanted to just hide away and cry. Not the really bad crying, the kind of tears you shed when you've cut yourself reeally bad. I mean the real crying. The crying you do to empty yourself. To just... cleanse. I don't know how to explain it, but it's the kind of crying that helps you feel better. You know how it is.. when you have a good cry and you just feel so much better. Well, I was trying to spoil myself with some easy tears, but was stopped by just about the entire team, coach included, telling me that no guy is worth my tears. That I shouldn't worry about it, and that I should just let it go. They clearly don't understand the healing power that tears hold. Nor did they understand what was wrong. Everyone just assumed that he was dumping, or had dumped, me.
I'm pretty sure that's not what's happening though. Or at least I hope it isn't.
But if it is, I'd rather he dumped me. I don't have the strength to hurt someone like that again.
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