Uhm.. haven't done this in a while. I don't really know why I haven't written, but it was a nice feeling. Almost like I was living independently without need of a release. That no longer holds true. Or I just really feel like writing. Either way, here I am.
For starters, we broke up.
Now you're up to date.
To be honest, I don't know how I feel about it. We're in summer school together. Same school, same class, same table. We broke up on the first day and it was a nice clean break up. No tears, no nothing. Just very simple "I think it's over." "Let's be friends?" "Ok."
That was actually how it went down. Next day, I just felt like I didn't want to be around him, so I was distant and didn't talk to him at all. That led to him striking up a conversation with this pretty skinny girl who was sitting at the other table. I don't know if it's true or if I'm just paranoid, but I felt like he was flirting with her. Whatever, right? I mean, it's not like we're dating. But it was weird. I almost felt.. jealous. Possessive is more the word. I mean, he's mine! I was his first everything. Did that not matter to him at all? How was he so Ok to just start flirting the next day? Suddenly, for no apparent reason, I hated him. I actually hate him. I can't stand him. Listening to him talk to her, I couldn't stand it and decided to switch tables. I'm overreacting, I know. It shouldn't matter to me so much, but it does. I felt so strongly, I detested him. I do detest him. Just thinking about him is repulsive.
Why am I being such a bitch? How can I hate someone so easily? I have no idea. I've entertained the idea that maybe I'm not over him, maybe I still like him, but i rejected that thought almost immediately. I'm practically positive that I don't have feelings for him.
Plus, it feels like he just doesn't care anymore. If we were actually friends now he would've said something to me. Talked to me. About something. Anything.
All we've said to each other since the breakup was a tiny little msn convo saying "Hi.. do you get the math homework?" That's it.
Something else that's bugging me is the fact that he is so oblivious. While we were sitting at the same table, on the second day of school, I decided to smoke up and got high for the first time. He didn't notice. He was sitting directly across from me and he didn't realize that I was fucking baked out of my mind. WHAT KIND OF FRIEND IS THAT?!?!?
I don't know what I'm trying to get to, I just know I really needed this. It's helping me organize my thoughts. Maybe I'll even figure out why I'm so pissed.
On a brighter note, my friend with benefits thing is back on. I was talking to him (the guy I had been fooling around with before) and as soon as I told him that we had ended it we kinda fell back into our old "sex-talk/joke" style of speech. I look forward to seeing him again. I've missed him. I think I'm hoping that he'll make me forget all about my confusion. Or maybe he can help clear it up.
Lastly, I hate summer school. I hate math. HOWEVER, I am under the impression that I may be passing the course so far. Which is excellent news. It seems that ever since I moved tables I've actually started listening to the teacher. I'm almost excited for our next test. I think I know what I'm doing. WOOT.
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