Wednesday, December 9, 2009
There Was A Love Affair In This Building
I love pretending I'm having a conversation (on msn) with someone, and then sending a random line to someone else, just so they can see that I'm really busy/popular. I don't know why though, last I checked I didn't really care what people thought 'bout me. I guess I also do it because then it usually starts a new conversation with the "accidental" person.
Bawk Bawk Boom
I don't care how creepy this sounds, but I absolutely adore it when he calls me "little".
It makes me feel skinny, and pretty, and in need of his "big, strong protective arms".
Remind me why we care about being treated equally?? I think all women really just want to be taken care of and protected.
It makes me feel skinny, and pretty, and in need of his "big, strong protective arms".
Remind me why we care about being treated equally?? I think all women really just want to be taken care of and protected.
Sex With Snowmen Leads To Hard Nipples
So basically, I want to give out free hugs. After riding the subway without pants on.
Sounds exciting, right??
SOFA KING EXCITED.
Bahahahha, that's an inside joke between me and my gingie. But I guess I'm kinda lame for writing it here, where no one else will get it. Meh, I'll have a good laugh.
Back to the free hugs thing, you need to watch this.
http://youtube.com/watch?v=vr3x_RRJdd4
Yeah, I don't care so much about the campaign. Yes, it was touching, and I'm glad he won. But what really touched me was the idea of giving hugs to strangers in an attempt to brighten up their day. I currently do the same thing with smiles, most of the time. When I see someone while I'm walking, I usually flash a huge smile in their direction. Unless it's one of those people who look like they're afraid of teenagers. When I see those people, I try to look as tough and "Don't-Fucking-Mess-With-Me"ish as possible. It's really funny staring them down and watching them downcast their eyes so as to avoid eye-contact. Oh my gosh, it's priceless :P. Always makes my day.
As to the pantless subway ride, that's this thing some Improv group does annually. What it is is basically a ton of people get together and get on the subway, not all together, but a couple in each car. They still have their pants on. Once they're on the bus, and it starts moving, they casually, randomly, take off their pants and put the discarded pants into a backpack or purse they just so happen to be carrying. Upon being asked why they aren't wearing pants, they're supposed to keep a natural expression and say something along the lines of "I'm not?? I hadn't noticed." or "I didn't really feel like putting pants on today.".They're not allowed to talk to the other pantless people either, or else it looks like it's being staged.
Do you have any idea how much fun this is going to be??
Sounds exciting, right??
SOFA KING EXCITED.
Bahahahha, that's an inside joke between me and my gingie. But I guess I'm kinda lame for writing it here, where no one else will get it. Meh, I'll have a good laugh.
Back to the free hugs thing, you need to watch this.
http://youtube.com/watch?v=vr3x_RRJdd4
Yeah, I don't care so much about the campaign. Yes, it was touching, and I'm glad he won. But what really touched me was the idea of giving hugs to strangers in an attempt to brighten up their day. I currently do the same thing with smiles, most of the time. When I see someone while I'm walking, I usually flash a huge smile in their direction. Unless it's one of those people who look like they're afraid of teenagers. When I see those people, I try to look as tough and "Don't-Fucking-Mess-With-Me"ish as possible. It's really funny staring them down and watching them downcast their eyes so as to avoid eye-contact. Oh my gosh, it's priceless :P. Always makes my day.
As to the pantless subway ride, that's this thing some Improv group does annually. What it is is basically a ton of people get together and get on the subway, not all together, but a couple in each car. They still have their pants on. Once they're on the bus, and it starts moving, they casually, randomly, take off their pants and put the discarded pants into a backpack or purse they just so happen to be carrying. Upon being asked why they aren't wearing pants, they're supposed to keep a natural expression and say something along the lines of "I'm not?? I hadn't noticed." or "I didn't really feel like putting pants on today.".They're not allowed to talk to the other pantless people either, or else it looks like it's being staged.
Do you have any idea how much fun this is going to be??
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
And Now I've Lost My Means
I hate the things I'm supposed to call "Parents". Those detestable beings that sneak up on you in the middle of the night and search through your stuff while you're unconscious.
Then, the sneaky little bastards have the audacity to bust you for it by asking you a simple question, the next day, something like "Do you need cash? Or do you have?" To which I reply "Nope, I have none." Why? Because I need to buy another pack, and I had concocted the perfect way to get money for it without raising any suspicions on the parents behalf. Only thing I forgot to take into account was that my parents are DICKS.
Because my parents checked my wallet to see if I had money on me, and because I didn't know they had, and lied about having money, I'm now "grounded". I put grounded in quotations because, with my parents, going out is a fucking hassle to begin with. It's next to impossible to convince them that I'm not doing anything wrong (which I usually am). Now, I'm grounded, and they're apparently going totake away my debit card, which is a bitch move 'cause that money is actually mine, the money I make from work and they have no right to take it from me. Fuck, why couldn't I be blessed with white parents?
Or better yet, why couldn't I just come to be, without any parents. And just magically, survive, and grow and live happily ever after.
On the bright side, I've met the sweetest guy ever. I absolutely love talking to him and I hope we can grow to be great friends.
A couple posts ago, I mentioned the paintball party, and how the referee started to hit on me. Well, I gave him my number, he later found me on facebook, and now we talk. I have to admit, at first I thought he was going to be a really stupid person. This sounds horrible, and self-absorbed, but I did. He's got the look of a hardcore stoner, and he wears "gangster" clothes (i.e., baggy jeans, huge sweater, the baseball cap thingy with the sticker on it etc.). He started telling me about his life, how it's pretty fucked up, but he's starting to change it- turn it around now. I was not expecting him to tell me too much about it, but he did. He opened up like a book and just.. sang. He's been through some tough times, and I think he's alot stronger for it. But that's not the point. Point is, he's a real person. He thinks, and, it's hard to explain. I sound like a horrible person right now, and I hate myself for it, but it doesn't sound half as bad in my head.
Oh, and by the way, I lied earlier in this post. The fuckers didn't go through my stuff while I was sleeping. This is because I hardly sleep anymore, having been going to bed at around 4am each night lately. No, rather, they wait till I'm at swim practice to go through my stuff. The only reason I lied about this in the post was because it didn't go with the story mode I was writing about them in. It wouldn't have sounded have as dramatic if I said "Those detestable beings that sift through your things while you're swimming laps".
Then, the sneaky little bastards have the audacity to bust you for it by asking you a simple question, the next day, something like "Do you need cash? Or do you have?" To which I reply "Nope, I have none." Why? Because I need to buy another pack, and I had concocted the perfect way to get money for it without raising any suspicions on the parents behalf. Only thing I forgot to take into account was that my parents are DICKS.
Because my parents checked my wallet to see if I had money on me, and because I didn't know they had, and lied about having money, I'm now "grounded". I put grounded in quotations because, with my parents, going out is a fucking hassle to begin with. It's next to impossible to convince them that I'm not doing anything wrong (which I usually am). Now, I'm grounded, and they're apparently going totake away my debit card, which is a bitch move 'cause that money is actually mine, the money I make from work and they have no right to take it from me. Fuck, why couldn't I be blessed with white parents?
Or better yet, why couldn't I just come to be, without any parents. And just magically, survive, and grow and live happily ever after.
On the bright side, I've met the sweetest guy ever. I absolutely love talking to him and I hope we can grow to be great friends.
A couple posts ago, I mentioned the paintball party, and how the referee started to hit on me. Well, I gave him my number, he later found me on facebook, and now we talk. I have to admit, at first I thought he was going to be a really stupid person. This sounds horrible, and self-absorbed, but I did. He's got the look of a hardcore stoner, and he wears "gangster" clothes (i.e., baggy jeans, huge sweater, the baseball cap thingy with the sticker on it etc.). He started telling me about his life, how it's pretty fucked up, but he's starting to change it- turn it around now. I was not expecting him to tell me too much about it, but he did. He opened up like a book and just.. sang. He's been through some tough times, and I think he's alot stronger for it. But that's not the point. Point is, he's a real person. He thinks, and, it's hard to explain. I sound like a horrible person right now, and I hate myself for it, but it doesn't sound half as bad in my head.
Oh, and by the way, I lied earlier in this post. The fuckers didn't go through my stuff while I was sleeping. This is because I hardly sleep anymore, having been going to bed at around 4am each night lately. No, rather, they wait till I'm at swim practice to go through my stuff. The only reason I lied about this in the post was because it didn't go with the story mode I was writing about them in. It wouldn't have sounded have as dramatic if I said "Those detestable beings that sift through your things while you're swimming laps".
Monday, December 7, 2009
Adorable, Cute.. Same Thing
Warning- Explicit Content :)
So I met another online friend. And I didn't think it was going to lead to anything, but he was fun to talk to. We started talking about more sexual things (as always is the case when I talk to new guys.. it just happens) and he started saying how he's so selfless, and would rather make someone else smile then receive personal gain. This was sexual because it was in relation to getting head vs. being eaten out. He was saying he'd love to go down on a girl even if she didn't want to blow him afterwards.
Anyways, I have to be quick, I'm exhausted.. it's already 4 am. So yeah, I mentioned my nude pictures, he was interested and sounded really excited, so I sent them, and for the first time in a long time, I felt pretty. He was so enthusiastic about how lucky he was to be getting the pictures, and how the world deserved to see them, but not the whole world, just him. Yeah, I know.. horny guy says things to make him continue to receive this type of thing, but even still, even knowing that, the things he said just made me feel... pretty. Theres no other word for it. I just felt really good about my body for the first time. It wasn't even that he was being sweet and cute about it. The things he said felt raw and honest. "You're tits are fantastic", "You're body is sexy, you are gorgeous" etc. I don't know how else to say this.
I. Felt. Good.
So I met another online friend. And I didn't think it was going to lead to anything, but he was fun to talk to. We started talking about more sexual things (as always is the case when I talk to new guys.. it just happens) and he started saying how he's so selfless, and would rather make someone else smile then receive personal gain. This was sexual because it was in relation to getting head vs. being eaten out. He was saying he'd love to go down on a girl even if she didn't want to blow him afterwards.
Anyways, I have to be quick, I'm exhausted.. it's already 4 am. So yeah, I mentioned my nude pictures, he was interested and sounded really excited, so I sent them, and for the first time in a long time, I felt pretty. He was so enthusiastic about how lucky he was to be getting the pictures, and how the world deserved to see them, but not the whole world, just him. Yeah, I know.. horny guy says things to make him continue to receive this type of thing, but even still, even knowing that, the things he said just made me feel... pretty. Theres no other word for it. I just felt really good about my body for the first time. It wasn't even that he was being sweet and cute about it. The things he said felt raw and honest. "You're tits are fantastic", "You're body is sexy, you are gorgeous" etc. I don't know how else to say this.
I. Felt. Good.
Sunday, December 6, 2009
Dear Diary, Sorry To Bother You Again
But I feel lonely, and it's like no one notices, or cares.
Oh my goodness. Read that line, that first line, once more. Was it not just a little while ago I had posted "I am so tired of her self-loathing bullshit"? Can you spell HYPOCRITE? I irk myself sometimes, I can be so ridiculous. I don't know if it's really self loathing right now, but whatever it is, I'm depressed. I also have a SHITLOAD of work to do, and that's part of why I'm writing right now: I don't feel like doing work, I'd much rather waste time here. Not that I haven't already wasted time all day, getting next to no work done. Jeez I can be stupid.
Despite my rant, I actually do feel really lonely. Remember a while ago, I mentioned something about a guy, a close guy friend, who was into me, but who I wasn't into in return? The one I went to prom with. Yeah, him. Well, me and him have (*had) been friends for a little while. We'd talk all the time, and tell each other things (well, I wouldn't tell him things about the guys in my life... I felt like that would be mean seeing as he had a crush on me and I kinda turned him down). One of the things we tended to talk about was my lack of self confidence. He'd say how I should change how I feel about myself, be more confident etc. Thing is, I like being bitchy to myself. Calling myself a loser, or fat or whatever else I say to myself. Why? Because it's safe, it's something I'm used to and something that I can depend on. It's like my reassurance "No, don't worry, you're still a loser, you're still huge etc." So yeah, I was used to this and didn't like that he was trying to change this about me. So when we would talk about it, I would agree with him just to shut him up. I told him this one time, and he got really "hurt" as he put it. Why this hurt him, I do not know. Something about me not caring about what he has to say and him wasting his time. After I "hurt" him, he distanced himself from me, and pretty much stopped being my friend. I confronted him about this today, and found all of this out. I honestly started crying while we were talking about all of this. I don't quite remember when I started crying, I think it was around when he said he "didn't know how to be my friend anymore".
I don't know whats going to happen with us now, his computer died halfway through our conversation and he didn't come back online, so I suppose we'll continue the conversation another time.
Other then that, the weekend was a bit of a bore.. some fun on friday, I went paintballing for the first time ever. Lots of fun there, and lots of cute guys too :P (I was the only girl there). The referee started hitting on me, offered me some weed and we chatted a bit. Unfortunately, I had to leave before he got his break, so no weed. But it was still cool, cause I had gone for a friend's birthday, and a couple of us had to bus back to his place. On the subway we bought Cinnabuns (which are ORGASMIC) and accidentally took the wrong bus. Finally got to his place, where he snuck us a couple beers, and we grilled some hamburgers and chicken. I got really tipsy/hyper and started yelling and being very loud. Everyone was feeling really energetic so we ran out to the park at around 10 pm and started acting like crazy people (i.e., lots of screaming and laughing). Missed another party on saturday because my mom wanted me to go to her works' Christmas party (which was RIDICULOUSLY boring).
Lastly, my best friend seems to be depressed. She addressed me in her blog, knowing I read it almost regularly, and told me not to bother calling. I don't know what's going on with her, and I don't know how to help her. Part of me thinks she's making all of it up to have some extra "excitement" in her life, but the other part of me insists she's being sincere. I suppose I'll talk to her on monday, I just don't know what I'm expected to say.
I lied, theres one more thing, then I'll go start my homework. I'm in grade 12. This means that university is a big stress right now, meaning I have to be really careful about my studies and work hard for good marks. Unfortunatley, I suck at working hard, and love to procrastinate. This is a bit of a problem. I sent my OUAC application in about a week ago, and I've been freaking out ever since that I won't get accepted by any of the seven schools I'm applying for. Og my gosh, I'm so nervous. It's.. ACH.
Oh my goodness. Read that line, that first line, once more. Was it not just a little while ago I had posted "I am so tired of her self-loathing bullshit"? Can you spell HYPOCRITE? I irk myself sometimes, I can be so ridiculous. I don't know if it's really self loathing right now, but whatever it is, I'm depressed. I also have a SHITLOAD of work to do, and that's part of why I'm writing right now: I don't feel like doing work, I'd much rather waste time here. Not that I haven't already wasted time all day, getting next to no work done. Jeez I can be stupid.
Despite my rant, I actually do feel really lonely. Remember a while ago, I mentioned something about a guy, a close guy friend, who was into me, but who I wasn't into in return? The one I went to prom with. Yeah, him. Well, me and him have (*had) been friends for a little while. We'd talk all the time, and tell each other things (well, I wouldn't tell him things about the guys in my life... I felt like that would be mean seeing as he had a crush on me and I kinda turned him down). One of the things we tended to talk about was my lack of self confidence. He'd say how I should change how I feel about myself, be more confident etc. Thing is, I like being bitchy to myself. Calling myself a loser, or fat or whatever else I say to myself. Why? Because it's safe, it's something I'm used to and something that I can depend on. It's like my reassurance "No, don't worry, you're still a loser, you're still huge etc." So yeah, I was used to this and didn't like that he was trying to change this about me. So when we would talk about it, I would agree with him just to shut him up. I told him this one time, and he got really "hurt" as he put it. Why this hurt him, I do not know. Something about me not caring about what he has to say and him wasting his time. After I "hurt" him, he distanced himself from me, and pretty much stopped being my friend. I confronted him about this today, and found all of this out. I honestly started crying while we were talking about all of this. I don't quite remember when I started crying, I think it was around when he said he "didn't know how to be my friend anymore".
I don't know whats going to happen with us now, his computer died halfway through our conversation and he didn't come back online, so I suppose we'll continue the conversation another time.
Other then that, the weekend was a bit of a bore.. some fun on friday, I went paintballing for the first time ever. Lots of fun there, and lots of cute guys too :P (I was the only girl there). The referee started hitting on me, offered me some weed and we chatted a bit. Unfortunately, I had to leave before he got his break, so no weed. But it was still cool, cause I had gone for a friend's birthday, and a couple of us had to bus back to his place. On the subway we bought Cinnabuns (which are ORGASMIC) and accidentally took the wrong bus. Finally got to his place, where he snuck us a couple beers, and we grilled some hamburgers and chicken. I got really tipsy/hyper and started yelling and being very loud. Everyone was feeling really energetic so we ran out to the park at around 10 pm and started acting like crazy people (i.e., lots of screaming and laughing). Missed another party on saturday because my mom wanted me to go to her works' Christmas party (which was RIDICULOUSLY boring).
Lastly, my best friend seems to be depressed. She addressed me in her blog, knowing I read it almost regularly, and told me not to bother calling. I don't know what's going on with her, and I don't know how to help her. Part of me thinks she's making all of it up to have some extra "excitement" in her life, but the other part of me insists she's being sincere. I suppose I'll talk to her on monday, I just don't know what I'm expected to say.
I lied, theres one more thing, then I'll go start my homework. I'm in grade 12. This means that university is a big stress right now, meaning I have to be really careful about my studies and work hard for good marks. Unfortunatley, I suck at working hard, and love to procrastinate. This is a bit of a problem. I sent my OUAC application in about a week ago, and I've been freaking out ever since that I won't get accepted by any of the seven schools I'm applying for. Og my gosh, I'm so nervous. It's.. ACH.
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
Notes Found On Loose Papers
Watching the goldfish swim around in their fishbowl,
constantly running into the glass walls surrounding them.
I feel their pain as I too have stumbled into invisible
boundaries countless times before.
Looking for an escape. I think to myself, I'm not much better off.
At least the two fish have each other.
I sometimes feel like I have no one at all.
"Some birds aren't meant to be caged.
Their feathers are just too bright."
constantly running into the glass walls surrounding them.
I feel their pain as I too have stumbled into invisible
boundaries countless times before.
Looking for an escape. I think to myself, I'm not much better off.
At least the two fish have each other.
I sometimes feel like I have no one at all.
"Some birds aren't meant to be caged.
Their feathers are just too bright."
I Don't Quite Know How To Say How I Feel
I'm tired of yelling at people. More specifically, I'm tired of hearing people yell at each other. I'm dealing with a shitload of stress right now because my swim coach doesn't like my attitude, nor does he like the rest of the team. Because I'm the loudest, and most assertive swimmer in my group, he tends to blame me for the rebellion he sees in the swimmers. I used to yell at him for giving us shit fro our swimming, and for being a bad coach. But lately, I've started to see where he's coming from, and I just want to bitch at my fellow swimmers for being such dicks to him.
Not only do I see the injustice in their treatment towards him, I also see that my sister is a bitch. I can't stand her. She's a disgusting person, and tends to have little care for those around her. Now, knowing this about her, how does she have friends? How do people feel that she could fill a position of authority? Not exactly such a position, no ones offered her any authority, but people do tend to look up to her, and see her as a good person to know. I have no idea why. She's currently stomping around the house, bitching about how her piano teacher is "ruining her life". I'm not exaggerating.
I can't stand her.
But I do need her. So no matter how much I don't like her, I need to put up with her. She knows too much about me for me to lash out at her and risk secrets being spilled in every which direction.
Not only do I see the injustice in their treatment towards him, I also see that my sister is a bitch. I can't stand her. She's a disgusting person, and tends to have little care for those around her. Now, knowing this about her, how does she have friends? How do people feel that she could fill a position of authority? Not exactly such a position, no ones offered her any authority, but people do tend to look up to her, and see her as a good person to know. I have no idea why. She's currently stomping around the house, bitching about how her piano teacher is "ruining her life". I'm not exaggerating.
I can't stand her.
But I do need her. So no matter how much I don't like her, I need to put up with her. She knows too much about me for me to lash out at her and risk secrets being spilled in every which direction.
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
I Love You Too
Four words that could quite possibly brighten either parent's day.
If I had the strength to say them out loud. I used to. I would tell them I love them all the time. But not anymore. I can't remember the last time I let the words slip out of my mouth.
Love.
An interesting word it is. Feared and respected by so many. Does anyone know what it really means? What love truly is? What it means to love somebody? I'm sure some poor fool out there has deluded himself into believing, whole heartedly, that he knows what love is. And, to be honest, I suppose that if someone truly believes they know what love is, then chances are they DO know what it is. I don't pretend for a second to count myself a fool.
I don't know how to explain, in a way for you to understand how much my heart hurts when I see my parents' faces fall. "I love you" they say, almost breathlessly, wondering, if maybe I'll break this time, if maybe this time I'll return their affections. I seldom do. Silence is all that acknowledges them. Nothing more. It shouldn't be so difficult for me to say such simple words. Linguistically, they are inferior to the majority of the English language. The words I, Love, and You, are simple words, with little meaning on their own. There is no magnificance in the grammar of the phrase. Nothing.
If I had the strength to say them out loud. I used to. I would tell them I love them all the time. But not anymore. I can't remember the last time I let the words slip out of my mouth.
Love.
An interesting word it is. Feared and respected by so many. Does anyone know what it really means? What love truly is? What it means to love somebody? I'm sure some poor fool out there has deluded himself into believing, whole heartedly, that he knows what love is. And, to be honest, I suppose that if someone truly believes they know what love is, then chances are they DO know what it is. I don't pretend for a second to count myself a fool.
I don't know how to explain, in a way for you to understand how much my heart hurts when I see my parents' faces fall. "I love you" they say, almost breathlessly, wondering, if maybe I'll break this time, if maybe this time I'll return their affections. I seldom do. Silence is all that acknowledges them. Nothing more. It shouldn't be so difficult for me to say such simple words. Linguistically, they are inferior to the majority of the English language. The words I, Love, and You, are simple words, with little meaning on their own. There is no magnificance in the grammar of the phrase. Nothing.
Then why do I have such trouble saying it out loud?
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