But I feel lonely, and it's like no one notices, or cares.
Oh my goodness. Read that line, that first line, once more. Was it not just a little while ago I had posted "I am so tired of her self-loathing bullshit"? Can you spell HYPOCRITE? I irk myself sometimes, I can be so ridiculous. I don't know if it's really self loathing right now, but whatever it is, I'm depressed. I also have a SHITLOAD of work to do, and that's part of why I'm writing right now: I don't feel like doing work, I'd much rather waste time here. Not that I haven't already wasted time all day, getting next to no work done. Jeez I can be stupid.
Despite my rant, I actually do feel really lonely. Remember a while ago, I mentioned something about a guy, a close guy friend, who was into me, but who I wasn't into in return? The one I went to prom with. Yeah, him. Well, me and him have (*had) been friends for a little while. We'd talk all the time, and tell each other things (well, I wouldn't tell him things about the guys in my life... I felt like that would be mean seeing as he had a crush on me and I kinda turned him down). One of the things we tended to talk about was my lack of self confidence. He'd say how I should change how I feel about myself, be more confident etc. Thing is, I like being bitchy to myself. Calling myself a loser, or fat or whatever else I say to myself. Why? Because it's safe, it's something I'm used to and something that I can depend on. It's like my reassurance "No, don't worry, you're still a loser, you're still huge etc." So yeah, I was used to this and didn't like that he was trying to change this about me. So when we would talk about it, I would agree with him just to shut him up. I told him this one time, and he got really "hurt" as he put it. Why this hurt him, I do not know. Something about me not caring about what he has to say and him wasting his time. After I "hurt" him, he distanced himself from me, and pretty much stopped being my friend. I confronted him about this today, and found all of this out. I honestly started crying while we were talking about all of this. I don't quite remember when I started crying, I think it was around when he said he "didn't know how to be my friend anymore".
I don't know whats going to happen with us now, his computer died halfway through our conversation and he didn't come back online, so I suppose we'll continue the conversation another time.
Other then that, the weekend was a bit of a bore.. some fun on friday, I went paintballing for the first time ever. Lots of fun there, and lots of cute guys too :P (I was the only girl there). The referee started hitting on me, offered me some weed and we chatted a bit. Unfortunately, I had to leave before he got his break, so no weed. But it was still cool, cause I had gone for a friend's birthday, and a couple of us had to bus back to his place. On the subway we bought Cinnabuns (which are ORGASMIC) and accidentally took the wrong bus. Finally got to his place, where he snuck us a couple beers, and we grilled some hamburgers and chicken. I got really tipsy/hyper and started yelling and being very loud. Everyone was feeling really energetic so we ran out to the park at around 10 pm and started acting like crazy people (i.e., lots of screaming and laughing). Missed another party on saturday because my mom wanted me to go to her works' Christmas party (which was RIDICULOUSLY boring).
Lastly, my best friend seems to be depressed. She addressed me in her blog, knowing I read it almost regularly, and told me not to bother calling. I don't know what's going on with her, and I don't know how to help her. Part of me thinks she's making all of it up to have some extra "excitement" in her life, but the other part of me insists she's being sincere. I suppose I'll talk to her on monday, I just don't know what I'm expected to say.
I lied, theres one more thing, then I'll go start my homework. I'm in grade 12. This means that university is a big stress right now, meaning I have to be really careful about my studies and work hard for good marks. Unfortunatley, I suck at working hard, and love to procrastinate. This is a bit of a problem. I sent my OUAC application in about a week ago, and I've been freaking out ever since that I won't get accepted by any of the seven schools I'm applying for. Og my gosh, I'm so nervous. It's.. ACH.
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