Worst Friend Ever

This girl is fucking ridiculous. I mean, I have spent endless hours letting her vent to me about all the nonsense in her life, and the one time I ask her for anything, she replies with an "oops"?! Basically, as stated in my last post, I appear to have caught a cold, or flu, or something. I couldn't make it to my film class cause I could hardly get out of bed. I texted her asking her to talk to the prof, and ask if I could borrow the movie we watched in class, so I could do the paper we have to hand in on wednesday. At the end of class, I texted her again, to make sure she talked to the prof, and she texts "opps :s". Reallly? After all the times I've done shit for you, helped you out, been there for you, you couldn't even remember to talk to the prof for me?! Sweetheart, I'm afraid we can't really be friends anymore. No wonder your ex was all like "she treats me like a dog". Pfft, and you thought that was uncalled for.
Ugh.

Oh Germs

How you have forsaken me!
I suppose it is logical that I would be sick with a cold and horrible sore throat right now, after the events of the weekend, but I must say, I'm quite proud of myself nonetheless. You see, the ginger came up to visit this weekend, and we went to this club event, a paint party. It was a lot of fun, and we each danced with numerous people, and I (only) made out and grinded with the guys I was dancing with. Though, there were two instances where the guys tried to get me to go home with them, I was either not drunk enough, or just wise enough to finally get myself out of it (with the twins assistance :)). I don't care how comfortable I am hooking up, I'm not gonna keep fucking random strangers. End of story- but not really, because now I've got a hickey on my neck and a ridiculously bruised lip *sigh*. Luckily, the smaller hickeys faded away already.
After the party was ending, and we were stuck waiting outside in the FREEZING COLD wearing our wet t-shirts, and jackets. The jackets were useless though, considering how soaked we all were. We got home, took hot showers and collapsed, we were fucking exhausted. The next day was pretty chills though, we woke up mid-afternoon, hung out with the ever-entertaining group of gays I happen to be friends with, and then got high. Well, I got high with one of the gays. She wasn't in the mood for it, I suppose. Kinda felt bad, cause it was her weed. But she kept saying she wanted to get rid of it, and I wanted to get high. Thankfully, it was a good high too, no bad trip this time :).
*Sniffle* I'm sure theres more I'm supposed to say, there were a lot of thoughts I was having while I was high last night that I'd love to share, but I'm just not feeling up to it right now. I'm crazy exhausted, and my throat still feels like crap :(.

Reincarnation

In a past life, I was a man
This time around my limbs are still
and reach for the sky.
Little green petals cover my arms
and squirrels nest upon my brow.
My only movement is dictated by the wind
and yet I am so much more at peace.
This time around, I can peacefully see
and do naught but provide.
I feel no more selfish greed
instead feeling bliss in my everlasting stillness.
Suppose this life too shall come to an end,
perhaps next time I shall fly.

Why Won't You Release Me?

Honestly, I feel like the only time I ever have something to say on here, it's when I'm supposed to be working on an essay. I'm so fed up with us not being friends anymore. It just bugs me to no end. How are we supposed to live together next year if we aren't even talking anymore? How are we supposed to party together when we can't even look each other in the eye?

I keep seeing you being your usual self with everyone else. Remember when we were still friends? There were all the times chilling and doing homework in your room. We'd always get each other for food time, we'd talk, and laugh, and then there was the time you were going home for the weekend and came to say bye to me just as I was leaving my room in my towel, about to shower. Our awkward hug? The pool games we'd play, endlessly. The bus ride together that weekend we were both going home.

How did we loose all these more important things because of one stupid thing?
I couldn't care less for you romantically, but I'm so fed up with the change in our initial relationship and I don't know how to fix it. And that makes me sad.

Nonviolent Peaceforce

Is it wrong of me to still be in love with him?
It's tough to say that on here, because of the people who might be reading, but to those of you who are, no, it's probably not the him you're thinking about. It's the original him. The him I keep thinking back too, the him who I lost it for. The him who states I'm "fucking hot". Remember him?

I'm supposed to be working on my PACS thing, but he messaged me on Facebook and I got distracted. It wasn't a big thing, just a small "hello stranger"- we haven't talked in a while. Probably because he's got a new girlfriend. But I suppose the fact that we're both dealing with university now could be part of it too. Either way, I kinda wish he hadn't messaged me, reminding me how much I miss him. Just, being with him. Especially not now, after I've spent the past couple hours immersed in the drama of my current anime addiction (the episode I just ended with was this really touching and emotional drama bit because the main guy has decided to choose his former lover over the main girl, and the main girl has just realized how much she truly loves him. So much so that she's willing to stay with him while they continue their quest, even though he picked the other girl over her). I don't like thinking like this, it makes me feel vulnerable. Even now I feel like I might just burst into tears, but that may just be because it's 5 in the morning and I'm thinking the energy drink may have begun to wear off.

Feels So Good Being Bad

Can you believe it, there are EXACTLY 23 days left of my first year in University. TWENTY THREE DAYS! Holy Fuck. I mean, where the fuck did my school year go? What have I learned? Accomplished? Done?! I'm kinda freaking out, and it's not fun, especially considering I'm supposed to be working on my PACS paper right now (Peace and Conflict Studies) and I can't, because I didn't go to the event we're supposed to write about, so I'm kinda screwed atm.
On another note, I got my English essay back, the one about high school, and I was kinda disappointed at first, and my prof noticed, and she called me down after class, asking if I wanted to talk about my essay, I mumbled that there was nothing to say, and she gave me this little pep talk. (BTW, I had gotten a 79.6%) She started by asking me what year I'm in, I told her First. She said, your paper was great, I got really immersed while reading it, and I just want you to know that you got the third highest mark in the class, I don't want you to be disappointed with your grade. She goes on to inform me that we have numerous third and fourth year students in the class, and I still got the third highest mark. I was all excited and bubbly for the rest of the day. It was the first time a prof had cared enough to show me how proud they were of me. It was incredible! I kinda just wanna do better in all my classes so that I can maybe experience that again sometime. In the meanwhile, I have to continue working on these ridiculous, never ending papers.
BAHHUMBUG.

He Lied To Me

The blog I 1was lead to believe to be yours is that of a 16 year old female photographer.
That was uncalled for and low. I trusted you in giving you my actual blog and this is just ridiculous.
I'm probably not going to say anything to you directly, but because I know that you will be reading this, this is technically my way of telling it to you directly. If that made sense.
Basically, I'm mad at you -_-.

Twas A Dream

I'm in love.
We went to the drag show last night, and it was great fun, we danced and watched the performances and got really drunk and had a great time. After wards we got back and played truth or truth with a bunch of randoms until about 3 am, at which point most people left but me and gay blondie (not the ottawaian). We had this heart to heart talk for another two hours or so, and then went to bed. It was here that I fell in love. It sounds insane, but I feel like it really happened, it was all so real! I don't remember all the details but I think I was in this band or something, very comedic, and we were performing in a contest thing. This girl (who I feel like I've met before, somewhere) pulled me aside and dragged me to the girls bathroom. Then she started yelling at me for making her like me. I was really confused, but she seemed so sincere, and then she just, held me? I don't know, it was weird, and I do acknowledge this, but it was so great. Again, I know this was a dream, but it just felt so real that I don't understand. After the bit in the bathroom, I asked her if we were dating, I don't remember what she answered, but then she saved me from a paintball (the contest we were in was really intense, and people had to try to get the competition out by hitting them with paintballs during the breaks) and then disappeared. I remember crying. I didn't want her to leave, and I couldn't find her anywhere. I was looking all over the place and she was nowhere, and then she randomly showed up again, after a fire alarm in the building I was staying in.I don't remember the rest, but I do know that I felt like I was legitimately in love.

On another note completely, last night, during me and gay blondie's heart to heart, he mentioned something about how all girls wanted a gay best friend, and thats why everyone liked him in high school. I realized that I had always wanted a gay best friend too, and started thinking about that. It then occurred to me, that it was never so much that I wanted to have a gay best friend as it was that I wanted people to be comfortable around me. I wanted to be the girl gay guys could be comfortable around. Though, now that I think about it, maybe I wanted a to be able to be comfortable (myself) around a guy. Interesting, I've never really considered this before. I just know I always wanted gay friends.

Don't Unplug Me

I'm so fed up with.. nonsense. I mean, it's much more fun than sense, but it's so much more complicated at the same time. The type of nonsense I'm referring to specifically at this point in time, is drama. Ugh, but I'm so fed up with drama, and, more importantly, emotions! They make everything so much more difficult, like for that girl being around him when he's such a douche, or for that guy, being unsure of his sexuality and breaking down in front of everyone. Knowing that what they're doing isn't right, that they should deserve happiness, no matter at what means, that they deserve more. That sounds contradictory, but I'm slightly intoxicated at this point in time, so I don't give a shit. I'm just so fed up of being second hand, of being looked over. Shit, I need to buy alcohol, we're going out tomorrow. Fucckkerr.
Uhm.
What was I saying?
Right, uhm, (lawl, I was watching Alice In Wonderland last night cause I was high and it made sense, and when I say "uhm" in my head now, I remember how she pretended to be Um from Umbridge, and the queen welcomed her with open arms saying "anyone with a head that large is welcome in my court")  <--- That was a waste of a story, seeing as it had little to do with my current rant on self deprecation. I just feel so stupid right now.

I really want to lose weight.
I want my skin to stop freaking out at me.
I want to be more involved with political issues.
To be able to make a difference, and help people. Maybe be a LOT less hung up on myself, and all my idiocity. Focus on someone else and be there for them. Stop treating other people like second hand friends. Get a boyfriend. Or a girlfriend. Though, I think I'm leaning much more to the side of the straight. That's to say, I think I'm more into guys, and just "fluid" sexually. Either way, I want a someone, and I want to be a better someone myself. End of story.

I wonder what it was like in older days, when people carried perfume purses to keep from smelling bad, and would paint their faces white. I wonder what thoughts they had, if they wanted to change the world. I wonder if the cave men where happy, with their rocks and bows. Why did we change, how did this come about, where we not happier when we didn't know how to fuck ourselves over?
Wait, no, the time period when people painted their faces, they had alcohol then, didn't they? I believe so.
Blondie and whats-his-face ditched the party tonight, and decided instead to do their own thing behind locked doors. Once more, I see no relevance to my initial rant, but it was in my head and needed out. Also, I hadn't realized how much fun arguing was until V decided to start an argument with me about the depth of mainstream music in order to get me out of my boredom. It was highly entertaining, even though I didn't know he was just doing it to get a rise out of me, I felt so much more alive while I was making my point. It was the cats pajamas.
Speaking of pajamas, I feel I should turn in, I need sleeps.

The Tradition Continues

You know what? Four thousand words is alot of words. Like, I didn't even realize how many words it would be until I started writing and blanked after a thousand. Now I've made it up to two thousand, and I've got enough ideas for at least (hopefully) a couple hundred more. But even then, I've only got about 2500, maybe.

Hmmm, I was just remembering back in the day, when I was in grade eight, I think- my desk was facing my window then cause I liked watching the neighborhood kids play outside at night, it made me feel like I had a social life. I used to hide my books in my desk and I'd always be reading. I never felt like doing homework so I'd instead just read all these great books. There was one I was particularly in love with- Meyers Creek, or something like that. Oh, the innocence and simplicity of those days. God, I feel so old now.
Ugh, I have no time for this! I have to get back to my paper. But it sure was nice remembering how much easier everything was then. Granted, I'm pretty sure I'm just remembering the good parts, there was a lot of yelling all the time, and a lot of door slamming- in order to reiterate this, let me tell you that the door to my room back at home no longer has a doorknob.
Kay, back to essay!

I'll Be There For You

Last night was a difficult night. A lot more difficult than I had anticipated when I was showering and getting ready to go out. I had told myself that I'd hookup with someone, cause I've been really bored of not doing so lately, and so, decided that something exciting would happen. Boy, was I right. Exciting, sure. It was definitely an exciting night. Not quite what I had in mind, but definitely exciting. Started when me and the asian ottawaian were getting dressed and ready to get drunk. We were all ready and headed up to the gay brits floor when she decided she didn't want to drink. Only to inform me about ten minutes later, that she didn't want to go to the dance thing at all. So instead, me, the gay brit, his ex, this new guy and this girl were all getting wasted together. As we declined into the blissful state that is intoxication, we decided it was about time to go. Let me give you some background info first though. Uhm, kay, basically, the ex had told me that he was really interested in this new guy, but he was pretty sure that the new guy was straight. So yeah. As they wee getting more and more drunk, the ex was flirting with new guy more and more, and new guy was letting him. So that was that. We got to the dance and pretty much paired off into dance partners, except, I didn't really have a dance partner at first because the gay brit was dancing with the other girl, and the ex and the new guy were dancing together, so I was kinda flitting around between the two sets of partners. Gay brit breaks down mid dance with me, and we rush off out of the dance because he was really upset. We run out into the snow, jacketless, I might add, and start having this really intense, emotional heart to heart. I swear, that was probably the most emotional I've been since I got here. Actually, probably the most emotional I've been since that time I swallowed the pills. Then again, I was REALLY emotional that night whats-his-face was all like "don't seduce me", that hoe.

Sorry, I'm getting off topic. Uhm, so yeah, we were both really upset, and he was really upset and kept saying how no body loved him, or something like that (sorry, I may not have all the details 100%, I was really really drunk). Right, so, we were stumbling around in the freezing cold, and we just kept crying. I can't speak for him, but it kinda felt like we just both knew exactly how each of us felt. We connected. Everything made sense. And it made me sad. Not the connecting thing, just, everything. Hearing him say he had tried to kill himself, knowing exactly how that felt, knowing how it felt to be in a dysfunctional family, it was just all so blatantly clear, not only that we'd both experienced those things, but also just the fact that we had experienced those things. I don't know if that makes sense or not, but it does in my head. All of this always makes sense in my head. Everything always makes sense in my head. And I keep it in my head, but last night, it wasn't just in my head anymore. I was sad, and I was mad at him. I kept yelling at him to listen to me. I didn't want him to think he was alone, but he wasn't listening. I think that might be why I cried. I didn't know how to show him, or tell him that I got it. That I understood. So instead, I cried. I didn't mean to either, I meant to be strong for him.

Uhm, from there, he really didn't want to go back to the dance thing, but I was really cold, like, I felt like I was dying. Actually, I can paint this picture for you. Remember in the Titanic, scene were everyone is in the water, drowning and freezing? That's how cold I felt. I imagine that if I had stayed out for much longer, I'd actually be that frozen. We got back and saw that the other three were looking for us. As soon as he saw them, he bolted. He didn't want to deal with them, and had to leave. I get it, I guess, I just wish he'd have let me help him. I didn't want him to be alone, but I just couldn't go back in the cold, not right after getting inside. A couple people saw me come in from the snow. I must've looked really cold, cause they seemed concerned. Normally, people don't pay much attention to others. They definitely did.

That was the most eventful part of that, and after some more dancing (the asian ottawaian and some other floor mates turned up and wanted me to dance with them), the dance thing ended, but I was in too crappy a mood to be able to sober up. I needed greater intoxication. We had decided to go to this party, but apparently it was dying down when we wanted to head out, so that didn't happen. Everyone seemed to be done with the partying mood, so I was alone in my search for intoxication. I still had the joint my friend rolled me over reading week, so I took it my smoking buddy's room, and we smoked it in there. I was fucked. Bear in mind, I am a light weight, and I'd already had a lot to drink. Now add half a huge fucking joint to that, and imagine were I was. At first I was just really stoned, but then my drunkenness caught up with me, and I started feeling sick. I went to the bathroom and ended up puking on the floor, that was not fun. Honestly, the entire time I was just praying because I thought I was dying. I thought that this must be what death feels like. Guess not, but it was pretty fucking close. Finally, everything was puked up, so I cleaned up a bit, and got most of the vomit off the floor (didn't want to leave it for the cleaning staff, that would've been rude) and FINALLY went to bed.

Today wasn't much better, because I had a crazy hangover. Or maybe it wasn't a hangover, I just know I felt like shit. No headache or anything, just general crappy moodedness.Gay brit asked me to have dinner with him and started apologizing about last night, and told me how he didn't remember much of what happened, but that he was sorry because he remembered making me cry. Told me how he had this image of me being really sad in his head, and that it was difficult because he's never seen me sad before. Which made me realize, so few of my friends have ever seen me break down, and, considering how often that happens, it's kinda disconcerting. I mean, I think only the ginger and Toto have seen me after one of my fights with my parents, and the douche bag ex who no longer confronts my existence, the one that goes to Waterloo with me- I think he was there for a breakdown or two, I think. Or it may have just been the breakdown e-mail sent him before we actually started dating; and I think the asian ottawaian saw me the night I broke down in her room cause of whats-his-face. But other than that, I don't think my friends have seen that side of me. And if that's the case, can you really call them friends? I mean, aren't friends supposed to be there for the good and the bad? It's not like I don't love them because they haven't seen me cry, but it does make me question how real I am. I mean, it's almost like I'm not being myself around them.

*Sigh* all this is making my crappy mood slightly worse, so I'm gonna stop now, but before I do, let me just say that around the middle of the day, I was informed that the paper I thought to be due on march 30th is actually due tomorrow, and it's FOUR THOUSAND FUCKING WORDS. That is a lot of words. And I'm only at 423. SOOOOO, I'm gonna go work on that and hopwfully get it done tonight.

Though, I highly doubt it.

Sadface.

Need To Get Psycho

The brit and I want to start a band. We want to call it "The Orthadykes". It'll be a punk/indie band that sounds kinda like Tegan and Sarah, except Jewish. Lol, yes, I do realize that neither of us are Jewish, but we just saw this movie "Trembling Before G-d" and in the credits, they mentioned this orthodox Jewish lesbian group called the orthadykes. It was brilliant, and my first though was what a great band name that would be. So, we want to start a group on Facebook looking for people who have musical abilities and would be interested. Again, I also realize that I have no musical abilities, and so creating a band would be difficult, but we figure that we can be the "behind the scenes" people, plus, I could probably write some songs, or try to change some of my poems into more melodic song type things.

Meh, we'll see.

I'm really tired right now, cause I spent all of last night writing my English paper, which I finally finished, with little coherence, I might add, and now I get to do it ALL OVER AGAIN tonight when I attempt to write my Womens Studies paper. Bahhumbug. I'm in the library right now, and was planning on starting, but then go distracted by this blogging business. I still have about an hour before my next class starts, so I'll get started in a sec. Plus, I can probably do some work during said class, because I never take notes in it anyways. SO, it's all planned out, fear not :).

I know my topic is fascinating and all, I just really don't feel like writing. Well, writing an essay anyways. I'm enjoying this idle banter, and could probably continue rambling nonsense for a good little while. Before I do go and attempt to write my paper, I'd just like to say that I've been having some pretty weird dreams the past couple nights. I can't remember last nights right now, but the night before was REALLY weird. It was me and a group of friends, we were out on some kind of adventure. I was talking to this one kid about how I was jealous of my friend because she was spending so much time with this other friend, and how I really missed spending time with her, and one of my guy friends was sitting behind me, but me and him weren't really on good terms, but then he heard me sniffling or something, and, without turning around, he randomly reached his arm over and wiped at my tears. As I said, really random. And that wasn't even the most random bit; after my heart to heart with the kid, we were all getting up to leave, and I was suddenly alone in the room and was packing my stuff up (my stuff included a really big blanket and a bunch of random odds and ends that I don't distinctly remember), when this other kid walks into the room and starts talking to me about stuff. I don't remember where we were, or where the room was, but I'm gonna assume it was a school or something, because I didn't recognize the kid and I don't know where else I would find random kids. Then there was a final scene shift where I was rushing down a subway staircase, trying to case the bus before the doors shut.

Yeahhh. I'm kinda curious as to whether there was a message behind this dream. I hope not, because I think it might scare me a little bit if there is a meaning to it.

ANYWHO. Essay time!

Someone's Head Resting On My Knee

I currently could not care less about this essay. It's due in exactly 18 hours and I don't want to write it. I've got 700 of 2000 words, and I don't want to write anymore. I've already spent a good while talking with my fellow peers, and doing a drawing on paint. Alongside numerous other activities, one of which was a funny conversation when my mom called. She wanted to make sure I was behaving, so I "jokingly" told her how this one time, I got really drunk, then really high and then hooked up with this guy. I didn't realize until after I hung up that that'd actually happened. I also ended the conversation with "jokingly" saying I had to go cause I wanted a smoke. She laughed, told me to stay good, and hung up. It was brilliant :P.

Kay, everyone's harping on me to go do my essay now, so I'm gonna go. And maybe write more later.

XD