I think what's more terrifying than death is the idea of knowing you're going to die. Knowing that you won't be able to experience anymore. It's not a fear of what happens when you die. It's a fear of what will never happen because you're dead.

Procrastinator's Rant

Holy fuck, the world needs to calm the fuck down. Time keeps going by, and I keep forgetting I'm not the only one getting older. I see pictures of my family, my cousins and family friends- kids I've known since they were in diapers. Suddenly they're in "complicated" relationships, and posting pictures about how they can associate with people who've considered suicide. WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT.

I was the happiest fucking camper when I was 14. Wasn't I? What grade are 14 year olds in again? Nine, right? I think so. Hrmm. Kay, so maybe life wasn't super easy then, but seriously? THEY WERE SO LITTLE. When did they start smoking weed and drinking? When did they stop playing sports and start spending all their time partying. WHEN THE FUCK DID THESE KIDS GROW UP?

Have I really been out of the loop for so long? I left for university, and they just decided to grow up without me? I miss my family. I miss the family gatherings, when all the cousins would complain about how they had better things to do, and couldn't be bothered with silly family things. I miss when we used to play hide and seek, or floor hockey. We'd sit and talk for hours, united in our frustration with the parents. I don't even know when I'm going to see any of them again- they've all got their own adolescent lives to deal with, and I'm almost 20. Oh god. TWENTY. In seven months. Sure, I'm still a kid. I'm still dependent on my parents. I'm still in school. But I'm growing up. Same as all the kids I left as kids. Who am I to expect them to wait for me. To keep their childlike innocence so I can stare at it in awe. Even the aging of the older ones is evident. The ones who were my age. We were so close back then. Now they don't even reply to the posts I've wrote on their walls.

On another note altogether, I'm getting pretty fed up with my house. Thankfully there's only a month left. It's stopped shocking me, but I still get annoyed when I see how little they care about the state of cleanliness around here. I mean, it's ONLY ever me and R who take out the garbage. And I don't think anyone has bothered to put any dishes away- they all just let them pile up on the dish rack. I wait a week to see if anyone puts them away this time. Nope. Sure, they'll sometimes help when they see me cleaning. And G is generally pretty good about cleaning up randomly. He'll go all out when he starts.
Gah, and then, NOT ONLY do the dishes get left on the rack forever, they're hardly ever even clean! I mean, the idea of washing both sides of a plate seems foreign to people, as if they don't realize that we STACK plates. This means that the bottom of that plate you didn't wash is ON TOP of the plate you're about to eat off. Yum.
What else? Hmm. Ranting is a blast after so long. Fuck.
I could potentially rant about blondie's bf, but that would be a waste of my time, plus I'm pretty sure that if anyone still checks this, it's blondie. Though there is that one thing that's still pissing me off, and because I was told I'm not allowed to confront him about it, here goes. The other house was over for some event or another, I don't remember exactly when this was, and apparently on the way back to their own house, one of them commented on how surprised they were by how clean our house was, or something along those lines. To which this DOUCHE BAG replies "Yeah, blondie's really whipped them into shape."
...
Excuse me?
...
EXCUSE ME?
That's a fucking joke, right?
Someone tell me that's a FUCKING JOKE.

Honestly, I don't even know what to say to that. I'm not sure if the comment makes me mad at him or her even. I mean, on the one hand it suggests that he considers us to be blondie's slaves or something, as though it's our duty to behave in response to her "cracked whip". On the other hand, it could also suggest that she has successfully deluded him into thinking she cleans around the house and has somehow managed to convince the rest of us to help out.
God, I don't even know. I barely talk to her anymore. Kinda miss it. Granted, I barely talk to anyone anymore.

Whatever. As per usual, I leave this in a mental state of indifference.
Meh.
Time to try to finish this goddamn essay.

To Do

It appears that some of my more recent poetry has not been shared on here. I'll have to remedy that as soon as I find it in me to care. Till then-
Ta Ta.

Frazzle Dazzle

I like the "z" sound, it's not used enough in our vernacular.
Well, it's already March, meaning I've gone about 2 months without writing. And you know what? I'm perfectly okay with that. Yeah, sure, I've started writing in my notebook a whole lot more, and there's a ton of random poetry mixed in with my class notes, but I'm okay with it. I've grown since before when I needed my blog. Haha, cause now I'm strongerr, than yesterday. Now it's gonna be my wayyyy. My loneliness ain't... something anymore. Can't remember the rest of the words.

Regardless. I've been stressing out a lot lately. With school work, and the job search, and the inability to pay rent for the summer/the need to find a subleaser. Not a hundred percent sure why I decided to come write about it here- probably nostalgia. 

Don't really have much to say now that I am here. Although, I was recently plagued with the realization that most of my male friends are gay. This started to bug me until I thought about it and realized why that was the case. And then it occurred to me that I wasn't friends with many straight guys cause most of my previous straight male friends had somehow managed to ruin the friendship. Mainly by sleeping with me. Or trying to. I can list nine off the top of my head right now. Of those nine, only two were actually interested in me romantically. The rest were just horny bastards.   

Moving on- I went to an English Society meeting today. I'm trying to get more involved in the community. Maybe I'll meet some less horny bastards. And then after the meeting there was a creative writing meeting that I had the pleasure of taking part in. I read some of my poems (for the first time) to people who cared to hear them. I read the Howl one and the fermented forestry one. They seemed impressed, suggested I take part in a poetry slam because of the performance aspect in my Howl poem. It felt really good to feel like I was a part of something. Apparently we're all going on a bookstore crawl this weekend, and I'm volunteering for some event. Don't really know the details about it, but I'm excited. We even talked about an end of term party that I've been invited to. I'm really glad I went. It feels important. 

Finally, last point of interest, I've decided to work on my papers a head of time. This time there will be no last minute essay writing. I'm determined. So it has been written, so it shall be. 

And So It Begins

Second week of courses and already a paper due tomorrow. Well, today. And already I've begun with my horrible procrastinations. Instead of writing the page and a half paper I need to get done, I've somehow managed to do everything except write anything. I've wasted time on 9gag, Facebook, Sparknotes, some celebrity gossip page, and stuff off the interwebs too- I cooked for a couple hours, had some wine, hung out at the other house, read more of the book I'm reading, and gone out in the cold rain for a couple cigarettes. Goddamn. I don't know why I do this to myself. I have class in 8 hours. I'm tired and annoyed and I just want to sleep. Instead, I'm here, venting about how I don't want to do my paper. In all honesty, it'd probably take about an hour, if even, if I were to sit down and just write the damn thing. But noooo. Scumbag brain is determined to make my life miserable. Determined to entertain me with ANYTHING else. No. Not scumbag brain. Scumbag internet. Y U NO STOP WORKING WHEN I HAVE ESSAY DUE??? Hahahha, so much time on the internet has me thinking in memes. I am genuinely exhausted. Which is pathetic cause it's only 2 in the morning and last term I was okay with staying up till the wee hours of the morning.
What am I doing with my life?
Kay.
No more of this.
Determination and exhaustion win over the fight with the internet. If this paper isn't done by 3 I will seriously injure somebody. Maybe Bill Nye. He hasn't received much attention from me lately.