So I finally went on my date with the guy who's had a crush on me for ages. The one I went to prom with. Surprisingly, it was really.. nice. I could tell he was really nervous, and I was waiting for him to make a move through the whole movie (which he didn't and which I thought to be really refreshing). After the movie, he confessed that he was really nervous and felt intimidated. "You're intimidated by me? AWWWW! Why? We're like, best friends!!" This got him laughing and I think it got some of the nervousness off him. He walked me home and kept his arm either around my shoulder or my waist throughout the walk. It was a nice walk and we had some intense conversation (about the stereotype people tend to stick on teenagers). When we got to my house, I invited him in and we talked and played this video game thing my sister has.
I was slightly surprised at how much I enjoyed myself. It was actually really nice. The only thing is that I can't help seeing us as just friends. Even the "date" we went on didn't feel like more then our usual "hanging out".
Whatever, let's just wait and see what happens.
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
Monday, July 27, 2009
Darling, Please, Take My Sweater; You're Soaked!
I had to hide in people's backyards this weekend. I also kept in contact with my parents via e-mail while I was supposed to have run away. What kind of runaway keeps in contact with her rescuers?
Oh yeah, uhm, I ran away for all of... 34 hours? It was really.. weird. We had gotten in another stupid fight, and I was supposed to be going on a date with the guy I had mentioned earlier (so I technically, unintentionally stood him up, however, he was the furthest thing from my mind when I was trying to figure out what I was doing that I didn't really notice) and I went out for air to calm myself down. Every time I go out for a walk after a fight, my parents seem to feel the need to follow behind me in the car. This time, I decided I needed air on my own and so went in a different direction. This lead to them looking for me, which bothered me and lead to me hiding in people's backyards until they had passed by. Somehow, I ended up on a bus after buying viva tickets with 19 of the 37 dollars I had on me. I didn't want to think of my next step so I stayed on the bus until it's last stop, Finch. While I was on the bus, I realized what lonely lives bus drivers lead and so decided to strike up a conversation with the bus driver. We talked all the way through his route. When I finally got off the bus I thought I'd get on a subway and get further away. On the way to the ticket booth, I heard someone playing "Knocking On Heaven's Door" by Bob Dylan. When I heard the song a huge smile lit my face and I just felt so much better. For some reason, this persuaded me not to get on the subway after all. I ended up walking up and down around Finch in the pouring rain. Surprisingly, there some very nice people who seemed to genuinely seemed to care for my well-being. One man drove by and upon seeing my drenched figure earnestly asked if I was alright, if I needed money or food or a ride or anything. Later, another man ran up to me while I was going to get some food and he offered me his sweater calling out "Darling, you're soaked, here, take my sweater." Then, as I was walking to the bus stop again, a bus driver stopped by me, not because he had a stop there, merely to ask if I was alright and if I needed a ride. It was touching. Anywho, this story is far too long for me to type, long story short, I met up with a friend as I was on my way home and we hung out for a bit until she offered for me to stay at her house. I stayed there for the night and went out a bit the next day. I was keeping in touch with my family and friends because I had gotten an e-mail from my cousin telling me how worried everyone was and how the police were involved and all that. My best friend was worried about me too, and she (ever so sweetly) sent me e-mails telling me what a bad best friend I was being by making her worry so much and then threatening me with things only best friends would understand. Then, at around 10:40 that night, while my friend was out, I left her a note thanking her for her hospitality and apologising for leaving without saying goodbye, hopped on a bus and headed home. I tried to take my time getting home: I had started to doubt my decision while I was on the bus. I finally got home around, 12:30 and was greeted by tears and bone-crushing bear hugs. A police officer came to "ensure I had actually returned" and proceeded to tell me (in a tone that very bluntly told me he hated me for making him do extra work) that "I technically wasn't missing, after all, I knew where I was". It was hard to keep a straight face. I called my best friend up to let her know I was back and was immediately yelled at and then laughed at and then forced to tell my entire story all over again.
Yes, so that was my weekend.
Oh yeah, uhm, I ran away for all of... 34 hours? It was really.. weird. We had gotten in another stupid fight, and I was supposed to be going on a date with the guy I had mentioned earlier (so I technically, unintentionally stood him up, however, he was the furthest thing from my mind when I was trying to figure out what I was doing that I didn't really notice) and I went out for air to calm myself down. Every time I go out for a walk after a fight, my parents seem to feel the need to follow behind me in the car. This time, I decided I needed air on my own and so went in a different direction. This lead to them looking for me, which bothered me and lead to me hiding in people's backyards until they had passed by. Somehow, I ended up on a bus after buying viva tickets with 19 of the 37 dollars I had on me. I didn't want to think of my next step so I stayed on the bus until it's last stop, Finch. While I was on the bus, I realized what lonely lives bus drivers lead and so decided to strike up a conversation with the bus driver. We talked all the way through his route. When I finally got off the bus I thought I'd get on a subway and get further away. On the way to the ticket booth, I heard someone playing "Knocking On Heaven's Door" by Bob Dylan. When I heard the song a huge smile lit my face and I just felt so much better. For some reason, this persuaded me not to get on the subway after all. I ended up walking up and down around Finch in the pouring rain. Surprisingly, there some very nice people who seemed to genuinely seemed to care for my well-being. One man drove by and upon seeing my drenched figure earnestly asked if I was alright, if I needed money or food or a ride or anything. Later, another man ran up to me while I was going to get some food and he offered me his sweater calling out "Darling, you're soaked, here, take my sweater." Then, as I was walking to the bus stop again, a bus driver stopped by me, not because he had a stop there, merely to ask if I was alright and if I needed a ride. It was touching. Anywho, this story is far too long for me to type, long story short, I met up with a friend as I was on my way home and we hung out for a bit until she offered for me to stay at her house. I stayed there for the night and went out a bit the next day. I was keeping in touch with my family and friends because I had gotten an e-mail from my cousin telling me how worried everyone was and how the police were involved and all that. My best friend was worried about me too, and she (ever so sweetly) sent me e-mails telling me what a bad best friend I was being by making her worry so much and then threatening me with things only best friends would understand. Then, at around 10:40 that night, while my friend was out, I left her a note thanking her for her hospitality and apologising for leaving without saying goodbye, hopped on a bus and headed home. I tried to take my time getting home: I had started to doubt my decision while I was on the bus. I finally got home around, 12:30 and was greeted by tears and bone-crushing bear hugs. A police officer came to "ensure I had actually returned" and proceeded to tell me (in a tone that very bluntly told me he hated me for making him do extra work) that "I technically wasn't missing, after all, I knew where I was". It was hard to keep a straight face. I called my best friend up to let her know I was back and was immediately yelled at and then laughed at and then forced to tell my entire story all over again.
Yes, so that was my weekend.
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
Dare Night
I just got back from the coolest "birthday party" ever. If it weren't for the fact that my parents don't really believe the cover story I told them, my night would be perfect. So one of my friends, for her 18th birthday, decided to do a dare night. She split all of us up into groups, gave us a couple envelopes and told us we would be meeting in front of the Eaton Centre at 9. Each envelope held a couple dares that we needed to do in a certain area (i.e., suburbs, bus, subway, downtown). We needed to get video or picture proof of each of the dares we performed and at the end, when we all met up again she was to tally up the scores and grant the winning group a free dinner that the losing group had to pay for. It was great. Unfortunately, because my parents didn't want me going downtown I told them instead that I was going to the mall and then, because I really didn't want to talk to them (they kept calling all night), I told them that I had accidentally left my phone at the Timnmies we stopped by. This lie came in handy when I needed a reason for getting home late too. Anyways, it kinda sucked cause I missed about half the party because of my curfew. Other then that it was pretty much a blast.
Wait, no, there were two little downers, but they weren't that bad. One was that I was in a bit of a fight with one of my guy friends, and he was in my group. The other was the verbal abuse I had to endure because a drunk white guy didn't like "immigrants"(we were walking to the bus stop and some random guy walking on the street called me a cocksucking immigrant whore. I was disgusted to say the least.)
Thankfully, my night improved a bit when I met one of my ex's on the bus. It might be my imagination, but I feel like we were flirting the entire time. Then again, I was feeling kind of sick, so maybe I'm just misinterpreting his kindness as flirtation. He looks good. I wouldn't mind going out with him again. I don't actually remember the exact reason as to why we broke up. I'm sure it was something stupid that could easily be forgotten :).
Wait, no, there were two little downers, but they weren't that bad. One was that I was in a bit of a fight with one of my guy friends, and he was in my group. The other was the verbal abuse I had to endure because a drunk white guy didn't like "immigrants"(we were walking to the bus stop and some random guy walking on the street called me a cocksucking immigrant whore. I was disgusted to say the least.)
Thankfully, my night improved a bit when I met one of my ex's on the bus. It might be my imagination, but I feel like we were flirting the entire time. Then again, I was feeling kind of sick, so maybe I'm just misinterpreting his kindness as flirtation. He looks good. I wouldn't mind going out with him again. I don't actually remember the exact reason as to why we broke up. I'm sure it was something stupid that could easily be forgotten :).
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
Centre For Poor Karma and Pain Research
I scream in a soundproof room.
They forgot to turn the microphones on.
This is the last sound I make.
I disintegrate into nothingness.
No one will remember me or what I had to say.
I think I've moved on. I don't hate him as much anymore. I can stand being around him. I don't know why I hated him so much. I honestly don't understand it. Even so, I'm pretty sure he's not particularly fond of me anymore. I've been a bitch to him and I know it. Oddly enough, this doesn't really bother me. Which is mean, but I still don't care.
Interesting thing today, he was talking with the girl in our class and the asain guy I smoked up with and I joined in their conversaion. They were talking about how the girl could read people's "sexual auras", like, what they've done and what type of person they are in regards to that. This was interesting because most people who claim to be able to do this get me wrong. They all confuse me for some innocent novice. Sh got me practically dead on, but I think it's only cause I said that most people get me wrong. Or because I was wearing a really open shirt. It was kinda funny, cause first thing she said was "You're not a slut." And I found myself thinking, "Aren't I?" Then I figured she probably said that to everyone. I highly doubt shes gonna go tell a slut, "Oh, you're a slut." Right? Anyways, yeah, that amused me greatly. What amused me even more was how awkward he seemed to feel in that part of the conversation. As soon as she started trying to read me, he put his head down and started doing his math homework and seemed to finish up with it just as she finished telling me her reading.
Looking forward to getting high tomorrow, after our third math test. Exciting.
They forgot to turn the microphones on.
This is the last sound I make.
I disintegrate into nothingness.
No one will remember me or what I had to say.
I think I've moved on. I don't hate him as much anymore. I can stand being around him. I don't know why I hated him so much. I honestly don't understand it. Even so, I'm pretty sure he's not particularly fond of me anymore. I've been a bitch to him and I know it. Oddly enough, this doesn't really bother me. Which is mean, but I still don't care.
Interesting thing today, he was talking with the girl in our class and the asain guy I smoked up with and I joined in their conversaion. They were talking about how the girl could read people's "sexual auras", like, what they've done and what type of person they are in regards to that. This was interesting because most people who claim to be able to do this get me wrong. They all confuse me for some innocent novice. Sh got me practically dead on, but I think it's only cause I said that most people get me wrong. Or because I was wearing a really open shirt. It was kinda funny, cause first thing she said was "You're not a slut." And I found myself thinking, "Aren't I?" Then I figured she probably said that to everyone. I highly doubt shes gonna go tell a slut, "Oh, you're a slut." Right? Anyways, yeah, that amused me greatly. What amused me even more was how awkward he seemed to feel in that part of the conversation. As soon as she started trying to read me, he put his head down and started doing his math homework and seemed to finish up with it just as she finished telling me her reading.
Looking forward to getting high tomorrow, after our third math test. Exciting.
Monday, July 13, 2009
Well, When You Don't Tell Me What's Going On I Need To Listen In To Find Out
So, remember the guy, one of my good friends, the one that took me to prom? The one that I was sure had a crush on me? The one I hoped wouldn't ask me out because I knew that I don't have feelings for him? Yeah, him. He decided that, a week after being informed that me and my (ex) boyfriend broke up, he would ask me out. One of my best buddies, turns out, had set him up to it. My best guy friend has been saying from the beginning how he could totally see me and this guy dating. Ever since then I've been telling my best buddy that I wasn't interested in him. Besides I had my other guy friend who I had my whole friends with benefits thing going on with.
This is getting confusing. Let me try this a different way.
A- Best guy friend.
B- Guy friend who asked me out.
C- Friend with benefits guy.
Ok, so B has liked me forever. A is one of my best friends. We haven't really ever done anything together, except for the one time we thought we could try a friends with benefits thing together, but we didn't get past making out. C is the guy I was in love with, the one I had a friends with benefits thing with, until we stopped it so I could be with my (ex) boyfriend, but which we have restarted. A had called that me and B would make a perfect couple. I had said how I had no feelings for B and would most likely reject him should he ever ask me out. On monday, me and the boyfriend broke up. During the week, A and B came to visit me a couple times and I talked with both of them via MSN and telephone. On saturday I for some reason was talking to A and decided to ask him if B liked me. A said that he couldn't tell me because he's friends with both me and B and he couldn't sell anybody out. So I thought nothing of it. Me and C started making plans to see each other again. B called during dinner. I said I'd call him back. I called him back and he asked me out. Being really close friends I had trouble letting him down easily, so I hesitated a bit. He got all flustered and started saying how its no big deal and I didn't need to say yes and all that. I just felt so bad I figured it wouldn't hurt to try it. So I'm just like "Yeah.. sure, I mean, we can try it out, yeah?". I then found out that A had set him up to it and had even set a deadline for when B had to ask me out by. As soon as I had this figured out, I called the Ginger and she was horribly amused by the whole thing and just started laughing at me. She promised to yell at A and I assured her that I had that covered. Directly after that phone called I proceeded to call A. A picks up, with a very amused tone and starts talking about randomness. We kid around a bit and I have a mini spaz attack at him but he assures me that he's informed B that it most likely won't work out. Which I was extremely appreciative of.
Anyways, yeah, so now I have that to deal with.
Next day, sunday, I get in a stupid fight with my parents (go figure) and its about how "my shirt was too open". It was a fucking tank top. They gave me a shitload of grief and my dad lost his temper and got a tad violent which lead to me getting pissed and throwing myself at him just hitting everywhere and anything I could reach. This lead to my mom calling me a "Sex Object" (her words exactly) and basically calling me a slut. I was standing in my room seriously contemplating suicide. The only way I've considered is by taking a shitload of advils. Maybe chase the advils with some Bacardi? I was actually just standing there, 12 advils in hand. I was so close to doing it too. I wanted to make them suffer. I wasn't sure that it would bother them at all, but it might've. I decided against it and instead walked out of the house. I started walking away, my parents called my cousins, cousins picked me up and took me to my aunts house where there was a huge family gathering thing and I got a lecture from my grandma and my aunt (from my dad's side) about how I should just listen to my parents and do what they say sometimes.
Then, as I was cooling down a bit from te huge temper tantrum thing, I was sitting outside, by my aunt's pool and was immideatly pushed into the water. With my phone in my pocket. In case you haven't figured it out, my phone is currently not in existence.
Lastly, summer school is going alright. I think I'm passing. We've done two tests so far. The first one I got a 50, a 57 and a 100 on the three different parts of the test. The second one we didn't get back yet, but I'm expecting a similar mark as the first test.
Oh, I lied, that wasn't the last thing. Theres three more.
My parents don't drink. So theres no alchohol in our house. Or so I thought. Turns out, they had a nice little bottle of Bacardi that they got from the Dominican (or Cuba, I can't remember) and it was just kinda lying around in one of the downstairs cupboards. I figured they wouldn't notice if it went missing and took it up to my room, nicely hidden, for any special occasions. Granted, I'm not a huge fan of rum, I prefer vodka, it's still better then nothing.
Second last, one of my friends, this guy is the most amusing, carefree people you will ever meet. So he has a girlfriend, but he seems to have no problem whatsoever flirting with me. Which I'm not sure if thats what he's doing or what, but thats what it feels like. We'll be talknig about something and he'll ask what size my chest is. Or whether I've given head or if I spit or swallow. Apparently he told the girlfriend something about me and she got all jealous and started telling him about a dream she had where he was making out with me and she decided to retaliate by screwing this really hot russian guy we all know and love.
I don't know why I told that story, but it felt more important while it was still in my head.
The last thing (I promise this is it) I was on the phone with my other bestie and my mom was telling me to go to bed. She kept spazzing so I rushed my story about A and B and said night to her. My mom walks in my room as I'm hanging up saying, "What was that about?"
"None of your business"
"Yes it is, your my daughter and it matters. Who asked you out? Whats going on?"
"YOU WERE EAVSEDROPPING?!?!?!"
"Well, when you don't tell me whats going on in your life, I have to find out somehow."
"GET OUT."
The End
Ughh, she pisses me off so much. Whats it to her whats going on with my relationships and all that shit?
Anywho, yeah.. thats it for now. Wow, I didn't realize I needed to write so much.
This is getting confusing. Let me try this a different way.
A- Best guy friend.
B- Guy friend who asked me out.
C- Friend with benefits guy.
Ok, so B has liked me forever. A is one of my best friends. We haven't really ever done anything together, except for the one time we thought we could try a friends with benefits thing together, but we didn't get past making out. C is the guy I was in love with, the one I had a friends with benefits thing with, until we stopped it so I could be with my (ex) boyfriend, but which we have restarted. A had called that me and B would make a perfect couple. I had said how I had no feelings for B and would most likely reject him should he ever ask me out. On monday, me and the boyfriend broke up. During the week, A and B came to visit me a couple times and I talked with both of them via MSN and telephone. On saturday I for some reason was talking to A and decided to ask him if B liked me. A said that he couldn't tell me because he's friends with both me and B and he couldn't sell anybody out. So I thought nothing of it. Me and C started making plans to see each other again. B called during dinner. I said I'd call him back. I called him back and he asked me out. Being really close friends I had trouble letting him down easily, so I hesitated a bit. He got all flustered and started saying how its no big deal and I didn't need to say yes and all that. I just felt so bad I figured it wouldn't hurt to try it. So I'm just like "Yeah.. sure, I mean, we can try it out, yeah?". I then found out that A had set him up to it and had even set a deadline for when B had to ask me out by. As soon as I had this figured out, I called the Ginger and she was horribly amused by the whole thing and just started laughing at me. She promised to yell at A and I assured her that I had that covered. Directly after that phone called I proceeded to call A. A picks up, with a very amused tone and starts talking about randomness. We kid around a bit and I have a mini spaz attack at him but he assures me that he's informed B that it most likely won't work out. Which I was extremely appreciative of.
Anyways, yeah, so now I have that to deal with.
Next day, sunday, I get in a stupid fight with my parents (go figure) and its about how "my shirt was too open". It was a fucking tank top. They gave me a shitload of grief and my dad lost his temper and got a tad violent which lead to me getting pissed and throwing myself at him just hitting everywhere and anything I could reach. This lead to my mom calling me a "Sex Object" (her words exactly) and basically calling me a slut. I was standing in my room seriously contemplating suicide. The only way I've considered is by taking a shitload of advils. Maybe chase the advils with some Bacardi? I was actually just standing there, 12 advils in hand. I was so close to doing it too. I wanted to make them suffer. I wasn't sure that it would bother them at all, but it might've. I decided against it and instead walked out of the house. I started walking away, my parents called my cousins, cousins picked me up and took me to my aunts house where there was a huge family gathering thing and I got a lecture from my grandma and my aunt (from my dad's side) about how I should just listen to my parents and do what they say sometimes.
Then, as I was cooling down a bit from te huge temper tantrum thing, I was sitting outside, by my aunt's pool and was immideatly pushed into the water. With my phone in my pocket. In case you haven't figured it out, my phone is currently not in existence.
Lastly, summer school is going alright. I think I'm passing. We've done two tests so far. The first one I got a 50, a 57 and a 100 on the three different parts of the test. The second one we didn't get back yet, but I'm expecting a similar mark as the first test.
Oh, I lied, that wasn't the last thing. Theres three more.
My parents don't drink. So theres no alchohol in our house. Or so I thought. Turns out, they had a nice little bottle of Bacardi that they got from the Dominican (or Cuba, I can't remember) and it was just kinda lying around in one of the downstairs cupboards. I figured they wouldn't notice if it went missing and took it up to my room, nicely hidden, for any special occasions. Granted, I'm not a huge fan of rum, I prefer vodka, it's still better then nothing.
Second last, one of my friends, this guy is the most amusing, carefree people you will ever meet. So he has a girlfriend, but he seems to have no problem whatsoever flirting with me. Which I'm not sure if thats what he's doing or what, but thats what it feels like. We'll be talknig about something and he'll ask what size my chest is. Or whether I've given head or if I spit or swallow. Apparently he told the girlfriend something about me and she got all jealous and started telling him about a dream she had where he was making out with me and she decided to retaliate by screwing this really hot russian guy we all know and love.
I don't know why I told that story, but it felt more important while it was still in my head.
The last thing (I promise this is it) I was on the phone with my other bestie and my mom was telling me to go to bed. She kept spazzing so I rushed my story about A and B and said night to her. My mom walks in my room as I'm hanging up saying, "What was that about?"
"None of your business"
"Yes it is, your my daughter and it matters. Who asked you out? Whats going on?"
"YOU WERE EAVSEDROPPING?!?!?!"
"Well, when you don't tell me whats going on in your life, I have to find out somehow."
"GET OUT."
The End
Ughh, she pisses me off so much. Whats it to her whats going on with my relationships and all that shit?
Anywho, yeah.. thats it for now. Wow, I didn't realize I needed to write so much.
Monday, July 6, 2009
Scream Your Heart Out
Uhm.. haven't done this in a while. I don't really know why I haven't written, but it was a nice feeling. Almost like I was living independently without need of a release. That no longer holds true. Or I just really feel like writing. Either way, here I am.
For starters, we broke up.
Now you're up to date.
To be honest, I don't know how I feel about it. We're in summer school together. Same school, same class, same table. We broke up on the first day and it was a nice clean break up. No tears, no nothing. Just very simple "I think it's over." "Let's be friends?" "Ok."
That was actually how it went down. Next day, I just felt like I didn't want to be around him, so I was distant and didn't talk to him at all. That led to him striking up a conversation with this pretty skinny girl who was sitting at the other table. I don't know if it's true or if I'm just paranoid, but I felt like he was flirting with her. Whatever, right? I mean, it's not like we're dating. But it was weird. I almost felt.. jealous. Possessive is more the word. I mean, he's mine! I was his first everything. Did that not matter to him at all? How was he so Ok to just start flirting the next day? Suddenly, for no apparent reason, I hated him. I actually hate him. I can't stand him. Listening to him talk to her, I couldn't stand it and decided to switch tables. I'm overreacting, I know. It shouldn't matter to me so much, but it does. I felt so strongly, I detested him. I do detest him. Just thinking about him is repulsive.
Why am I being such a bitch? How can I hate someone so easily? I have no idea. I've entertained the idea that maybe I'm not over him, maybe I still like him, but i rejected that thought almost immediately. I'm practically positive that I don't have feelings for him.
Plus, it feels like he just doesn't care anymore. If we were actually friends now he would've said something to me. Talked to me. About something. Anything.
All we've said to each other since the breakup was a tiny little msn convo saying "Hi.. do you get the math homework?" That's it.
Something else that's bugging me is the fact that he is so oblivious. While we were sitting at the same table, on the second day of school, I decided to smoke up and got high for the first time. He didn't notice. He was sitting directly across from me and he didn't realize that I was fucking baked out of my mind. WHAT KIND OF FRIEND IS THAT?!?!?
I don't know what I'm trying to get to, I just know I really needed this. It's helping me organize my thoughts. Maybe I'll even figure out why I'm so pissed.
On a brighter note, my friend with benefits thing is back on. I was talking to him (the guy I had been fooling around with before) and as soon as I told him that we had ended it we kinda fell back into our old "sex-talk/joke" style of speech. I look forward to seeing him again. I've missed him. I think I'm hoping that he'll make me forget all about my confusion. Or maybe he can help clear it up.
Lastly, I hate summer school. I hate math. HOWEVER, I am under the impression that I may be passing the course so far. Which is excellent news. It seems that ever since I moved tables I've actually started listening to the teacher. I'm almost excited for our next test. I think I know what I'm doing. WOOT.
For starters, we broke up.
Now you're up to date.
To be honest, I don't know how I feel about it. We're in summer school together. Same school, same class, same table. We broke up on the first day and it was a nice clean break up. No tears, no nothing. Just very simple "I think it's over." "Let's be friends?" "Ok."
That was actually how it went down. Next day, I just felt like I didn't want to be around him, so I was distant and didn't talk to him at all. That led to him striking up a conversation with this pretty skinny girl who was sitting at the other table. I don't know if it's true or if I'm just paranoid, but I felt like he was flirting with her. Whatever, right? I mean, it's not like we're dating. But it was weird. I almost felt.. jealous. Possessive is more the word. I mean, he's mine! I was his first everything. Did that not matter to him at all? How was he so Ok to just start flirting the next day? Suddenly, for no apparent reason, I hated him. I actually hate him. I can't stand him. Listening to him talk to her, I couldn't stand it and decided to switch tables. I'm overreacting, I know. It shouldn't matter to me so much, but it does. I felt so strongly, I detested him. I do detest him. Just thinking about him is repulsive.
Why am I being such a bitch? How can I hate someone so easily? I have no idea. I've entertained the idea that maybe I'm not over him, maybe I still like him, but i rejected that thought almost immediately. I'm practically positive that I don't have feelings for him.
Plus, it feels like he just doesn't care anymore. If we were actually friends now he would've said something to me. Talked to me. About something. Anything.
All we've said to each other since the breakup was a tiny little msn convo saying "Hi.. do you get the math homework?" That's it.
Something else that's bugging me is the fact that he is so oblivious. While we were sitting at the same table, on the second day of school, I decided to smoke up and got high for the first time. He didn't notice. He was sitting directly across from me and he didn't realize that I was fucking baked out of my mind. WHAT KIND OF FRIEND IS THAT?!?!?
I don't know what I'm trying to get to, I just know I really needed this. It's helping me organize my thoughts. Maybe I'll even figure out why I'm so pissed.
On a brighter note, my friend with benefits thing is back on. I was talking to him (the guy I had been fooling around with before) and as soon as I told him that we had ended it we kinda fell back into our old "sex-talk/joke" style of speech. I look forward to seeing him again. I've missed him. I think I'm hoping that he'll make me forget all about my confusion. Or maybe he can help clear it up.
Lastly, I hate summer school. I hate math. HOWEVER, I am under the impression that I may be passing the course so far. Which is excellent news. It seems that ever since I moved tables I've actually started listening to the teacher. I'm almost excited for our next test. I think I know what I'm doing. WOOT.
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