Oh, I'm Staring At The Mess I Made

After looking back on my previous posts, I realized I had forgot to inform you of why it is I am afraid to write in here right now. This is how scattered my mind is, I don't even know which way is up anymore. Anyways, the reason I worry is because, due to the situation at hand, my parents have been digging up information on me. During out last argument, I got out of my father one of his sources, my laptop. More specifically, using Rogers Parental Control, or some shit like that. With this ridiculous technology, my parents were able to see everything I'd typed onto my keyboard for (according to them) three days. I don't believe them though. I've lost all faith in any of the words they tell me. This is because that's all they are now, words. Nothing more.
Even so, I couldn't bare being away from this for so long, I needed a release, and I don't yet have the courage to hold a blade to my wrist. My fear of pain is getting the best of me there.
I was actually explaining this to my friend last night. He asked how I felt and the only way to explain it to him was by saying that I don't feel anymore. Confused, he asked me to clarify. The best I came up with was this: You know how sometimes you just don't care anymore? It's almost the same for me, except now I don't feel. I'm almost numb to all of it.

I Think You're Saving My Life

I wish I could find the words to explain just how important you are to me. You're the only person who actually seems to care, or pretends to care, or is doing whatever it is you're doing. Either way, you helping me through this, it's like when a parent holds their kids' hand when they're crossing the street.
Absolutely necessary.

Thanks Feo,
I really do appreciate it.

If You Never Do Anything, You'll Never Be Anybody

I'm almost afraid to speak freely on here. So much is going on in my life and I don't even have the courage to take it out on my keyboard. I don't even know where to begin.
I suppose I can explain why I'm afraid to write here. But in order to explain that, I need to go back a bit.
Well, remember that post where I was saying my parents suspected me of smoking weed after the party, cause my jacket reeked? Well, that was just taken WAY too far. Basically, my parents decided to do some digging after that incident and found all this dirt on me. Namely, they found out a lot of the things I've done. This lead to us getting into huge fights, them thinking that I'm crazy, a pothead, a slut and who knows what else. Point is, any trust they had in me was completely thrown out the window. From there, it just got worse. For the next three weeks it was just fight after fight, and no hope for improvement. Needless to say, my parents decided I need help. Thing is, there's nothing wrong with me. Ok, so I drink at parties, I smoke, I sleep around a bit, does that really mean that I'm broken? No. It doesn't.
What makes me broken is the fact that I've gone crazy being trapped in this.. household.
That argument got me nowhere. The parents were insistent I see a shrink. More than insistent, actually. I had no say in the matter.
Before visiting the shrink, which was actually just a couple days ago, I did something stupid because I didn't know what else to do.
It was Valentine's Day, and we were still fighting and yelling and screaming. They were threatening to give the people important to me to the police because of the "dirt" they had on them. They left the room for a minute. I saw my advil container, in it were about 20 advils, 5 of which were the really strong ones the dentist prescribed to me when I got my molars pulled out. Almost on impulse, I opened the container, emptied the contents into my mouth, and took a gulp of water.
I was in shock.

My parents walked in again, and continued yelling at me. They didn't yet know. I was almost at peace, thinking "I won't have to cry for much longer". I spent the rest of the day in a state of semi-consciousness. I was in and out of sleep all day.
They soon found out, by putting one and one together. They know I don't sleep much, and when they saw how many advils were missing, they figured it out.

So now I'm seeing a shrink. I've gone once so far and I don't like it. My next appointment is next week. I really don't like this, especially seeing as I'm not crazy.

I finally told my best friend what's going on. Just yesterday actually. After three weeks of torture at home, my best friend is now aware of the hell I'm going through.

One last thing before I go, don't know if I've mentioned this before or not, but I've gotten two uni acceptances so far. Waterloo and Mcmaster. I'm still holding out for Western though.
I guess we'll just have to wait and see what happens.

Stop The Bleeding

No one should have the power to steal tears from your eyes.
It isn't fair to anyone to have to cry when they don't want to.
Thus, it is unjust for anyone to have this power.
They don't deserve it. It's not right.

Valentines Day Has One of The Highest Suicide Rates

I learnt something new today; it takes more than 20 advils to die of overdose.
Though, I may end up being wrong by tomorrow morning. Guess we need to wait and see.

My parents and I are still in a huge fight about the weed thing. Apparently they got some proof on me. I tried calling their bluff again.. it lead to them threatening to get the people involved in trouble. I left it at that.

I just want to give up. I cried the majority of the day, and then found comfort in a friend who's heart I think I may have broke not long ago.

I suppose thats only fair though, I mean, he's fair taking mine away this time.

I'm Too Close To Passing Out To Have Sex With You Right Now

There is so much I need to write about right now, but I just feel to worn out to talk about it. For now I'll give a brief summary until I find the strength to go into serious detail.
Starting from friday the 5th:
Friday night- concert, went to band's house to chill, Ginger slept over.
Saturday night- Aunt's wedding/gathering thing. Left that at 9ish, and went to friend's party after convincing cousin to drive me. Got wasted, wanted to sleep with a guy but had to deal with a previous jealous hookup who happens to have a.. crush.. on me. Slept over at friends house.
Sunday morning- Everyday is saturday night, but I can't wait for sunday morning.. Lol, I love that song. But yeah, sunday morning, woke up after about 2 hours of sleep and started cleaning the house a bit with the rest of the clean up crew. Jacket reeked of what I think to be weed, not sure though. Either way, it wasn't a big deal, I thought I got rid of the smell a bit. Sunday night- Family did a birthday thing for my mom, my mom was really happy because I wrote her a note in the book I got for her.
Sunday 1AM- Cousin and I get in a huge fight because I mentioned to him that I had a drag of weed at the party on saturday night. He's really against weed because he was fairly addicted when he was in HS. He then threatened to tell my parents, or the cops. Point is, we got in a fight.
Today- After school, dad calls, wants to talk to me. Turns out, he suspects me of smoking weed. Wants to do a drug test. I get mad, but bluff and say "Let's do it" before storming out and hiding. He gets pissed, tells my mom, and there is a huge fight when I get home. I fixed things with my cousin a bit, and then used the pity card on my parents and pretty much convinced them that I've done nothing wrong.

I love how I wasn't going to go into detail, but the summary's get progressively longer each time period. Whatever, that's it for now. I'll talk more about it later.

I'm Made of Paper Cranes, What Are You Made of?

My soul wants to take flight.
Broken wings keep me trapped.
My shell has been used.
Used and misused,
All with my consent.
And now I wonder,
For what did I give,
And not receive.
My battered heart,
Worn and torn,
Unable to hold any more.
I don't want to feel like this again.
_________________________


Hot water pounding,
Toes curling,
Head covering,
Tears rolling,
Arms holding,
Thoughts racing,
Cries reaching,
Not a sound escapes.


That's not exactly where I was planning on going with that, but I liked how it sounded so I went with it. What I meant to write was how broken and alone I felt and realized I was yesterday, in the shower. The hot water was pounding on my back, my legs curled up beneath me, my arms circled around myself, my head bent down. And all that I could think about was how easily I've been giving myself up, how all these guys just want to use me, because I've given them permission to. I wondered if there was anything else about me, other then my apparent ability to suck cock, that made them want me. Anything about me that actually made them want me. As a person, not a mouth, or an.. opening.
What bothers me most is that I actually still have no problem hooking up with guys. I just don't want these guys again. I'm still completely comfortable with random hookups. Which makes me realize that it's not because I'm particularly horny, I just seem to view hook ups as opportunities. "It's possible for him to ask me out on a date after our hookup, right?". Silly delusions, no doubt, but beliefs none the less. Something to believe in, something to hold on to.
It's all I have left really.


By the way, I'm totally over you. No, I'm not talking about you, though I'm totally over you too.