I Feel Like I'm Surrounded By Idiots

So last night, just for chills, blondie and dino (dinosaur girl- other housemate who needs a nickname) started drinking and we thought it'd be fun to play beer pong. I didn't feel like drinking so I smoked a bowl instead. At some point in time, the two girls got really drunk and started acting like fucking idiots, blondie even going so far as to brandish a knife and slam the freezer door into G's head. The brit got scared and left early, not wanting to deal with them because they were being stupid and shoving shit under his door. Then they started dragging each other up the stairs, pouring their drinks on each other, and just being over all stupid. Now, the asian ottawaian has been involved in the matter in that I spoke to her this morning, and apparently blondie's been bitching about me to her as well. Why is blondie bitching? Because I confronted her this morning. Because I went up to her and said "You scared the shit out of me last night." She didn't even have the decency to care. Instead typing into her phone the entire time I was talking to her. Really? Are we being children about this? Cause that's really all I'm getting from this. Usually it's only little kids you need to keep knives from, and tell them not to fool around on the stairs. And then the ottawaian tells me that she doesn't want to be a part of it- she understands why I'm upset, but thinks I'm overreacting and that I shouldn't stop blondie from further drinking. She even tells me that she talked to blondie and said that "It really wasn't necessary for you to play with a knife."

FOR FUCKING SERIOUS????

"It wasn't necessary for you to play around with a knife." Oh good lord, I can't even begin to explain how infuriated I am right now. DOES NO ONE UNDERSTAND THE IMPLICATIONS OF THIS? THIS BITCH CAN'T CONTROL HERSELF WHEN SHE'S DRUNK AND WE'RE HAVING A FUCKING PARTY THIS WEEKEND WHERE THERE WILL BE PEOPLE- ALL OF WHOM WILL BE INTOXICATED. ARE WE HONESTLY SUGGESTING THAT IT WOULD BE WISE TO PERMIT THIS CRACKHEAD TO DRINK WITH OTHER PEOPLE, THUS ENDANGERING OUR GUESTS? IF THE BITCH WANTS TO DRINK, SHE CAN LEARN TO FUCKING CONTROL HERSELF AND NOT THREATEN PEOPLE'S LIVES. NOT TO MENTION, SHE CAN'T EVEN ACCEPT THE FACT THAT SHE WAS FUCKING HAMMERED LAST NIGHT. SHE KEEPS SAYING "I WASN'T EVEN THAT DRUNK."

I asked you, as a friend, if it bothered you that I was scared shitless last night, and you gave me the most contempt filled, sarcastic apology you could possibly muster. Is this the friendship I missed? I was upset that I had lost your friendship to your boyfriend, and was trying to spend as much time hanging out with you and talking with you and stuff as possible. And you can't muster up the empathy to talk to me?
I genuinely wanted to cry after the way you talked to- or rather, ignored- me this morning. I wanted to get all this out in the open. But then I get the cold shoulder from you, outright denial, and pure childish immaturity. Only to then get the text from the asian ottawaian to push me over the edge. So this was my last option. Writing what I needed to say to you here, where you will most likely read it, if you still care enough about me to check up on me thus.

You don't have to forgive me for this, I'm not planning on apologizing for it just yet anyways.

If I Could Be Like That

I would do anything. 

"So, I was goign to write aobu t time. No, not ryhem you stiplid keyboard, time. I was curious as to how we perceive time. I mean, what is time? In an hourglass, for example, time is that individual grain of glass that falls from te top half. In a weaver’s board, it;s each curve the thread makes between the bars. On a clock it’s the little red hand ticking each second away. But what is that space between eachtick, each grain, each curve?

Weed- it’s unconvential and its a solution, to life.

Not even gonna edit it, it's last night's BRILLIANT idea, just- stuff I was thinking about after having some of the greatest weed ever with the asian ottawaian. It was a good night. 

Weed- it’s unconvential and its a solution, to life."

My sister was over for the weekend, and that was exciting. I tried to keep her thoroughly entertained the entire time. We played beer pong with the other house (I'm a great role model) and then went costume shopping the next day. Not much else to say about the weekend, well, other than the fact that I found out that two of the girls that lived on my floor last year have started dating. I'm so proud of them because they decided to embrace their drunken kiss and dumped their respective boyfriends in order to understand, explore and embrace the feelings they had for each other. Not gonna lie, I did see it coming- I wasn't too shocked when they told me, I had always suspected one of them to lean a bit more in that direction, and the other one just made sense with her. 

Oh, and I talked to the white boy. Nothing serious, but we did bring up that night and kinda skimmed over what happened and why our friendship fell apart and stuff. I was kinda glad to get that out in the air. As soon as we started talking about it, I felt like I could just breathe easier. 

I just sat and watched this movie, Trust. It was torturous. Brilliant, but terrifying. It hit so close to home that I thought I was gonna be sick the entire time. I kept holding my breathe, waiting to see what happened next, and I burst out in tears every five minutes or so, just because of the way the parents of the girl would react to everything. It was so hard to watch from that perspective, I just kept thinking "This is what happened to my parents. They fought with each other, they yelled, they cried, they tried to comfort me, they tried to figure out who the guys I was talking with were- and I protected them too." It was especially difficult to watch because I understood and saw both perspectives. I knew why the girl wanted to protect the guy, but I finally understood why it was so hard for the the parents to deal with it after knowing all that they did. Every time the girl yelled at her parents, my heart broke a little bit because I knew I had done the same thing to my parents. It broke even more when I saw the parents dying inside afterwards. It was terrifying. 

Anyways, time to go to the gym. 

Oh, and I'm at 17 now. *sigh*

Wouldn't Want To Be Anybody Else

I wonder how people in the "olden days" reacted to rainbows. Do you think they burned a "witch" each time they saw one? Blamed some poor, random woman for putting magical colours into the sky? What was the first reaction to the first rainbow? Like, the cave people who lived, what did they think when that saw a rainbow? Did they do any cave drawings of them? Did they worship them?

Why are dead leaves the most beautiful? Is this supposed to represent something about our lives?

I'm a little bit in love with the guy who sings "Somebody That I Used To Know", he's beautiful. I want someone real to be a little bit in love with though. I feel like I've been changing again. I've become less of a slut. Honest! I've only slept with one guy thus far (this school term). Yes, there was other stuff with other guys, but no sex. That's an improvement.

Ugh, I need a job.

I'm really hung up on this song though, and it's not just that I'm in love with the guy who's singing it either. I love his voice, and I feel like I can really relate to the lyrics. It's lie the story of every one of my relationships (oh, god- they feel so far away; I barely remember the details anymore).

The tree we just drove by had white leaves. It was beautiful.

But yeah, the song. I keep thinking about back when I was with so-and-so. I'm addicted to this "certain kind of sadness". I'm hung up on this- thing. But we didn't need to cut each other off afterwards. We could've been friends. Cause now, as he says, they're just people I used to know. Used to love? How is it possible to switch between such extremes? To go from blind, doting obsession to barely acquainted? I mean, we were so in love. We'd think, dream and breathe each other. Now it's hard to even remember his face. We used to talk all the time. Randomly, at 3 in the morning. Now I can't recall the last time we spoke.
I really do miss it. It doesn't help that I haven't got the balls to tell people I may be attracted to how I feel. Plus, I run away from the one night stands that show more interest. Goddamn it all to heck.
What is attraction anyways? What tells us that one person is hot but another isn't? Do we take an inventory of their features and think "blue eyes, check, good nose, check, broad shoulders, check, kay- he's hot"?

You know what else is weird? This stuff doesn't actually bother me during the day, or night, or whatever. It barely crosses my mind. It's only when I've got a blank page in front of me and need to empty thoughts onto it that I turn to these ideas.