I sometimes forget that I tried to off myself once. It feels like a "once upon a time". I'm not sure if it's specifically "forgetting" or pushing to the back of my mind. It was resurfaced just now because I was going through some of my old writings (the ones I said I'd eventually put up). Here's the one I just read. Not a hundred percent sure if this is up yet, like, if I'd typed it up in a reminiscent moment once before, but I doubt it. So here goes:
"What have I done?
I don't know what to do. What if it didn't work? What are you supposed to do after you've used your last resort? What if your last resort fails you? How long does it take to die anyways? I think it was about... 5 of the really strong ones and 12 of the regulars. That's a fair number of pills. It has to have some sort of effect. Plus, it was on an empty stomach. I just want it all to end. I don't care about all the shit I'll be missing out on if I die. I've just stopped caring. I want it to be over with."
Another one was written on the back of some recipes I had in my pocket at the time. This one isn't so depressing. I was just high over the summer and with my fuck buddy of the time- we were in a forest and staring at trees:
"I sense there's something in the air, a silence coming, a new wall burning. Just words. So many faces they pass me by and by. Itchy itchy. They come a biting, knocking on your door. They will be pouncing and just creating words. It's always moving. I'll never remember the tune. You don't see it anymore. You shot your's and only memories of a dream. I'm so high I can touch the sun. I'm burnt down to a crisp, you see. There's so much more I can't write down. They fleet so quickly by. You want to get rid of me, but I refuse to go. Not because I want you, no- but because I want to stay.
That is the end of that one you say, and pretend to wipe an eye. You whisper I'll be coming up for more. Attempts to pretend, but knows not how to. Mmmmm; Angel. I should pack up my shit and let him be free to go. Could I come back at all or will I fall down through the wall. He keeps hinting and nudging. Let us go he pleads, help us all beware! She's mad as a hatter and ready to call out to the children and birches and brethren."
Has anyone ever noticed that the cookie monster only ever ate chocolate chip cookies? If you ask me that's a bit cookiest. Mozart was crazy- flat fucking crazy.These cookies are so fucking good. Mmm, image how good they'd be if I could microwave 'em. I'm addicted to microwaves, btw. They make life so much easier. Why the fuck didn't we use the microwave at home??
Ugh, I'm doing it again. I just had like, a zillion thoughts fly through my head, and go figure, I didn't write any of them down. Hrm. I'm going to the gym tomorrow. Mhmm, at.. 11? Gah, mornings. There was something wrong with me today- I'm not a hundred percent what it was, but I think I was just feeling lonely. Like, for what I'd been bitching about all last year. I got all reminiscent, and started remembering the boyfriends. The last two most specifically. Because I have no idea what I called them in previous posts, I'm just gonna go ahead and call them by the name- Jordan and Ryan. I remembered how it was with Jordan, and how he'd visit me at school because that was the only time we had together because of my parents. And how Ryan would come over and we'd "watch tv". Haha, I had my first spider-man kiss with Ryan. And how I introduced Jordan to Regina Spektor and how he introduced me to Beck. I fucked up with both of those. I ended it with Ryan because I told myself he was pressuring me. I don't remember what I thought he pressuring me towards, considering I was the worst of the two of us. I was the one who smoked and drank and did weed; who had piercings and tattoos. Wait, no, I didn't have a tattoo during either of those. Hrmmm, the cookies are almost done and Nat learnt what her middle finger meant. This soundtrack has been on repeat for the past 4 days. IT IS INCREDIBLE. I'm still not over it. And then I ruined our friendship during summer school by acting like a huge bitch. Hahahhaha, and that letter I sent him during our Advanced Functions class telling him how high I was. Then I ended it with Jordan too. Jordan who cared about me and offered me a place to stay if it ever got too bad with my parents. Hahaha, Jordan who wanted to get me checked for some STI before he'd have sex with me. Not that we ended up having sex- or getting the test. Jordan who I left alone for a summer while I traversed around Iran and last cookie! Sor-omnom nom-ry, om nom nom. Sorry. Right, who I left alone and wasn't able to communicate with. Who I wrote "no you're not" in response to his birthday status. Oh God, I feel like a tard catch me I'm falling, sinking and sprawling. Why am I such a massive bitch? I even have the bitch brows that go with it (I was just doing my eyebrows and I'm pretty sure they're perfect). I miss my mom. And my twin. And everyone else that matters. Is it super pathetic that I've only had two real relationships since 2009? Oh God why thank you doctor, Valium is my favourite colour. How'd ya know ;). It sounds so much worse when you actually look at the years. At least they were special. They say love is blind, but believe me- love is insane. I bet they're not dealing with this. I bet they haven't wasted their time remembering me. God, was is this fucking pity party. Do you see what I was saying about it being an off day??
Kay, fuck. I should go to bed. It's almost 1, and I'm tired and this day isn't going to get better if I have to go without sleep. And of course I didn't get any work done today. No, that would've made this day productive -_-. Night.
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