Are There Good People?

A some day will come,

a sun day, a one day.

A day full of fortune and so-

the earth will inhibit

the meek will prohibit

and all that is prosper shall flow.

Though from the tips and the grips of the few

who hold onto the dreams they did sew,

their future permit it

their mother forgives it,

so long as the fortune does grow.

Secret Non-Denominational Gift Giving, Anyone?

Wow, it's been almost a week. Kinda disappointed with myself. Granted, it has been exam time, and I've actually been studying. Kind of. I've got two down, and one to go, and I'm not looking forward to it. My final exam is Drama, and that was most definitely my worst class. It'd be ok if there was actual acting in it, but noooo. Throughout the entire class, all we did was look at plays, discuss the history of certain dramatic forms and some other stuff that I don't really remember. Mainly because SHE NEVER TAUGHT IT TO US. I'm actually basing my analysis of what we learned in the class on what it says in the syllabus. In all of the drama classes I actually attended, not once did she teach us anything. She'd talk at us, but no one learnt anything. Meh, I'm not gonna complain. I'm almost done, and I've looked at my drama marks and I figure that so long as I pass this exam, I'll do fine. And thats all that really matters.

Moving on, today's my sisters birthday. She's officially 15 and I feel so bad for not being able to be with her for her birthday. I really do miss her. But I've promised to take her out for dinner when I get back, plus I got her a couple gifts I think she might like.

On a more serious note, it kinda feels like I'm disconnecting from my new friends. It's like me and ginger all over again. Like, sure, we love(d?) each other, but she didn't really care about me. And I focused too much on her. She became my best friend, and that really mattered to me, and was kinda my downfall because she was the best friend. I was still friends with other people, but moreso through her than on my own. This is making me a little bit scared, because I feel like I might be doing the same with blondie. The concern being that I'm not quite that high up on her list. Or even if I am, she's still got a good number of people before me. Of course, it's not like I'm mad or jealous that she's got other friends, just concerned for the position I've put myself in. As I tend to put myself in. Plus, I'm not too excited by the boyfriend, he reallllyyy gets on my nerves sometimes. Granted, she does tell me about him all the time, and generally complains about him to me, so my current theory is that (part) of the reason I dislike him is due to the fact that the majority of what I know of their relationship is the negative stuff. I'm sure she's told me some of the positives too, but I think its gotten to the point where that stuff doesn't matter and I only see him as the overly sexual, highly oblivious, and utterly ignorant boyfriend. Wait, ignorant and oblivious are synonymous, aren't they. Meh, you get the point.

*Sigh*

I feel bad for her. He's really difficult sometimes.

Haha, the brit is super cute with his gf. I love it. They're adorable. Sure, they were going through their rough patches, but they seem to have figured it out.

And I am still desperately in search of a man. Or woman. But most likely man. Speaking of, the don from the other floor is really really cute. And I think he's noticed me. *Smile*

Just A Stranger On A Bus

"I don't know why you took it so seriously, it was just a joke."

No, it wasn't.

Or even if it was, I'm tired of it. All jokes get old eventually, and this is one of them. "Make me a sammich"? "Can you girls come clean up our place sometimes? Like once a week?" All your stupid sexist jokes are really getting on my nerves, and I'm getting tired of hearing them. The worst part is that you only make them at me, because you know I'm in a women's studies course. I mean, how uncalled for is that?

Ugh.

Just.

Ugh.

And then laughing at me for getting MAD?!?!

ANDD afterwards, you insensitive son of a bitch, you come out for a fucking smoke with me and write "M+S=(HEART)" in the snow?

FUCK OFFFF.

I DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT ANYMORE.

You can't just ignore me, and then be the first to compliment my new haircut, or laugh at me and then turn around and talk about flirting. I GIVE UP.

Sweet Grandmother's Spatula

I can't believe I just did that. I'm kind of proud of myself. It was a lot harder than I expected, to spit out, that is, but after it was said, and the wait for his response was over, it was all easily sailing. I kinda wish he felt the same, but I'm glad we're friends none the less. He did say some super sweet things, like, you're special, you seem smart, you're fun, you're a cute girl with a very cute laugh and smile, and we relate well. Doesn't mean he's interested in me, but it does make me happy anyways. Plus, he's promised it won't get awkward between us.

And I believe him.

But Baby It's Cold Outside

Ok, so this is really hard for me, because I'm not a particularly confident person. But I need to tell you this before I screw up again. Basically, I have feelings for you, and I want to know how you feel about me. I need to tell you because last time, when I didn't tell the guy, I ended up hating myself and, eventually, him. I don't want this to happen again, but I feel like if I tell you, it may make things awkward between us. Not to mention, I'm practically positive your roommate has a thing for me. I wouldn't want to ruin your friendship with him over this, but I can't help it. I don't like him in that way, but I feel like I do, for you. Thing is, I don't have the balls to tell you this in person, and yes, I do know that you are unaware of the existence of this blog. I'm sure I'll eventually find the courage to send you this in an e-mail, or Facebook message or something eventually, but I don't want to wait that long. Basically, I'm hoping you'll figure all this out on your own and save me the trouble of having to explain it to you, but either way, I'm determined that you shall know.

Santa Can You Hear Me?

I have been so.. yes, I know the next word is "good", but I feel I can't really say that while keeping my conscience clear. However, I can say that I've been trying. Trying to be me, trying to find out who I am, especially of late. And by late, I think I mean my entire life. That, I can say honestly. Granted, that's not really saying much in terms of morality and overall "goodness", but it's all I've got at this point in time.

What's bothering me right now is people. Yes, I do realize what a common topic that is here, but I can't help it. They're such curious beings. Actually, last time I was by the lake, I had some really serious thoughts on the matter. I realized that we as people only are. We don't do. Everything around us does, does exist, does something. Take me for example, I don't think I've ever affected anyone's life, done anything of importance, changed the course of nature. No one needs me, no one depends on me, nothing would change without me. In short, were I never born, nothing would be any different. This is a fact. It isn't a fact that would throw me to suicide, or cause me to do something irrational, it's just a fact. And fact is, that most people are in the same boat. And yet, we continue existing. Not doing, just existing.

We find trivial things and magnify them until they are the sole purpose of our existence, like relationships and schoolwork. Guaranteed, those are the only things on the minds of the majority of the students at this school right now. And then we get older, and suddenly we have more important things to deal with, like work and relationships. Things that kids would never understand the stress of. Of course.

None of this is even remotely close to the thoughts I had by the lake, but because I can't really remember those, I'm just writing for the sake of writing. And because I can't sleep.

Ugh, I've been so irresponsible. I keep telling myself I'll start studying for my exams and I just don't. There are all these distractions and more important things that keep me from being productive. I really need to try to get my sleep in order. I swear, I am going to wake up before 10 tomorrow, and do real work. It will happen. I am determined.

If I Ever See Your Face Again

You know what I want?

It's simple, really.

All I want, is someone I can slow dance with.

Someone who thinks I'm the only one in the world.

Who'll see me and smile.

Simple, right?

On the plus side, a bunch of us went out to dance tonight, and I didn't leave with anyone. Or hook up with anyone.

Aren't you proud of mee?

Who Has My Soybeans?

Melancholy.

Tired.

Frustrated.

Confused.

Conflicted.

Quiet.

Not everyone else, of course, nononono, they're too cool to ever have quiet days. Thats just me. Just the occasional off day, where you just can't sum up the effort to keep up with everyone else's energy. It's 12:30, Friday night, I'm sober (shocking, I know) and just in no mood to partake in their screaming. They're playing this game called "Pits" where you yell numbers really loud and hope someone else is yelling the same number so you can trade cards with them. Or something like that. Don't really get the game. I think it's kinda like old Maid too, (it's a card game) and just like in Old Maid, you're trying to get rid of the (bear/Old Maid).

On another (highly repetitive note) I quit. I don't care for him anymore. I refuse to be treated like nothing. He can't just throw silly comments my way and then not talk to me at all. It's not fair. Of course, by silly comments I refer to those where he "flirts" with me. But not actually flirting, just saying pretty words to me, same way he does to everyone else. I hope this post is coherent. My head is actually throbbing and nothing is really making sense to me.

Tee hee, I just stole Blondie's Dec 3. chocolate, but shhhhhh, don't tell her ;)

But yeah, it just, hurts. I hate talking about this, and I hate myself for actually writing it on here, but I can't help it. I don't care if I'm being a whiny teenage girl, it really does hurt when he ignores me. And I'm tired of it. What else am I supposed to do? I walked in his room in a fucking corset and mini skirt, asking him what he thought (me and blondie were trying on outfits for tomorrow nights dance). He looked up for like, a second, and turned back to his game with out a word. And then! Ugh, guys! His roommate asked me if I was going for the slut look, and blondie's boyfriend would only say "not bad". I mean, really? Would it kill them to just pretend to be nice? To not crush the little self esteem a girl might have. Do you know how much courage it took to even try that skirt on? I knew I was too bulky to wear it right, and that it wouldn't look as good on me as on some skinny chick, but "not bad"? It's not like it takes any fucking effort to compliment a girl. Or notice her. UGH.

I'm in a fight with my mom too right now. I told her I was going to go on Birth Control, and she asked if I was sexually active (or course not), so she asked why I needed it. I told her my periods been weird and I've been having really bad cramps and whatnot and she just yelled at me for not doing my research, for not checking out the risks of using BC (which I did) and for making stupid decisions. I swear, that woman has never agreed with any of the choices I make, and then yells at me for not seeing her point of view. Worst part is, I actually do need BC as BC, and so the all natural period assisting pills that she is suggesting I take are kinda useless to me.

Uhm, what else??

Ooh, I bought Christmas gifts today. Got my sister a sweater and a pajama set, a matching pajama set for my mom and a pair of legit shoes for daddy. My moms pj set has cupcakes on it. I love it cause it's so funny imagining her, the most sensible, no-nonsense woman I know, wearing pink cupcake covered pj's.

Don't know if I've mentioned this before or not, but the guy from my woman's studies class has been hitting on me lately. Not particularly interested in him, he's not really my "type". Granted, the past guys who where my "type" didn't really work out that well, so that's not saying much.

Meh (the last one hated when I said "meh". He said it represented a lack of interest, or something along those lines), I'm thinking of swearing off boys. Just, stop thinking about them for a little while. I bet it would make life easier.

In one of our last womens studies lectures we were talking about body image and the media portrayed body ideal. About how food has become almost forbidden and how fat people are considered to have no self control or morality. I felt like crap about myself the entire time. Everything we talked about or read, I could relate to. I knew what it was like to feel bad for eating. I knew what it felt like to convince yourself that you weren't going to eat anymore. What it feels like to shove your finger down your throat and watch all the food you shoved down come back up.

I sometimes think that I know what too many things feel like. Like I've experienced too many things. Too many negative things. No, I'm not regretting, just sadly observing.

I hate how dependent I am on things, on people. How I latch on to someone and they become my focus. The only thing I think about or try to make sense of. They become my.. I don't know. They become too important. In my mind.

Uhm, to anyone reading, I apologize for the obvious lack of enthusiasm in tonight's post.

This Is A Great Joke

Leave me alone, I'm not keeping this up, but my blog is my space, I'm not going to stop posting my thoughts on here in fear of you retaliating. I don't care, I get it, you have a mood disorder, fine, that's great. I apologize for having cared about you. My mistake, now leave me the fuck alone.

I wasn't gonna reply to him, and I didn't mean for that to be a reply either, but I'm tired, and I don't want to deal with this anymore. I don't think I actually explained the problem yet, did I?

Uhm, hmm. Kay, this is the end of the conversation we had before all this happened. I skipped to the part where he said he thought our relationship was a joke. "He" being the most recent ex.

He says:

I just feel like our whole relationship was a joke

I say:

gee, thanks

really, thank you

He says:

well come on

I say:

I'm glad it was a joke to you

He says:

look at how you've been acting since you've got to waterloo

how am I supposed to feel

I say:

how I've been acting?

He says:

you know what I mean

I say:

no, I don't know what you mean

He says:

so when are you expecting? :)

I say:

fuck you

He says:

you had your chance

I say:

you think it was a joke because I never slept with you?

He says:

no

but that you've slept with everyone BUT me

I say:

then what does it have to do with anytihng?

He says:

^

I say:

I've never had sex with a boyfriend

they were always too important to me

He says:

yeah, usually it's supposed to go that way

I say:

sex was never important

He says:

yeah

I've noticed

fuck me

I say:

good for you

He says:

it's why polygamy is popular these days

and divorce rates are higher than ever before

I say:

no, you idiot, if you're gonna read my blog, at least do it right

He says:

people don't give a fuck about themselves

like myself

goodnight

After this conversation, he abruptly signed out in order to prevent me from saying anything else. So, naturally I got mad/angry/sad/frustrated (the "bad" emotions that people feel- in his response note, he told me how he's jealous of people for feeling emotions, even the "bad" ones) and posted on here. Seeing this, because he apparently still needs to know my thoughts and actions, he replied to what I wrote by posting a note on facebook. Really? I mean, honestly? All it really was was him ranting about how he's got a mood disorder (yes, we've got it, you've drilled it into us all- you are no longer human, you've have practically turned into "a thing". All anyone sees when they look at you is a "mood disorder") and how he wants me to live my life to it's fullest, appreciate all I have, and "stop acting like I know him", the entire time pretending to know me. Pretending to understand what my life has been like. Pretending to know me. Granted, this is not to say that my life has been hard, I know that. I know I've been given an easy life. I know I made things difficult with my parents, but these are my issues. How can he say that I don't appreciate what I have? How can he say that he wants me to live my life to the fullest when all he's been doing is knock me down?

Ugh. No, I'm done with this.

Just, leave me alone?

Please?