Tired.
Frustrated.
Confused.
Conflicted.
Quiet.
Not everyone else, of course, nononono, they're too cool to ever have quiet days. Thats just me. Just the occasional off day, where you just can't sum up the effort to keep up with everyone else's energy. It's 12:30, Friday night, I'm sober (shocking, I know) and just in no mood to partake in their screaming. They're playing this game called "Pits" where you yell numbers really loud and hope someone else is yelling the same number so you can trade cards with them. Or something like that. Don't really get the game. I think it's kinda like old Maid too, (it's a card game) and just like in Old Maid, you're trying to get rid of the (bear/Old Maid).
On another (highly repetitive note) I quit. I don't care for him anymore. I refuse to be treated like nothing. He can't just throw silly comments my way and then not talk to me at all. It's not fair. Of course, by silly comments I refer to those where he "flirts" with me. But not actually flirting, just saying pretty words to me, same way he does to everyone else. I hope this post is coherent. My head is actually throbbing and nothing is really making sense to me.
Tee hee, I just stole Blondie's Dec 3. chocolate, but shhhhhh, don't tell her ;)
But yeah, it just, hurts. I hate talking about this, and I hate myself for actually writing it on here, but I can't help it. I don't care if I'm being a whiny teenage girl, it really does hurt when he ignores me. And I'm tired of it. What else am I supposed to do? I walked in his room in a fucking corset and mini skirt, asking him what he thought (me and blondie were trying on outfits for tomorrow nights dance). He looked up for like, a second, and turned back to his game with out a word. And then! Ugh, guys! His roommate asked me if I was going for the slut look, and blondie's boyfriend would only say "not bad". I mean, really? Would it kill them to just pretend to be nice? To not crush the little self esteem a girl might have. Do you know how much courage it took to even try that skirt on? I knew I was too bulky to wear it right, and that it wouldn't look as good on me as on some skinny chick, but "not bad"? It's not like it takes any fucking effort to compliment a girl. Or notice her. UGH.
I'm in a fight with my mom too right now. I told her I was going to go on Birth Control, and she asked if I was sexually active (or course not), so she asked why I needed it. I told her my periods been weird and I've been having really bad cramps and whatnot and she just yelled at me for not doing my research, for not checking out the risks of using BC (which I did) and for making stupid decisions. I swear, that woman has never agreed with any of the choices I make, and then yells at me for not seeing her point of view. Worst part is, I actually do need BC as BC, and so the all natural period assisting pills that she is suggesting I take are kinda useless to me.
Uhm, what else??
Ooh, I bought Christmas gifts today. Got my sister a sweater and a pajama set, a matching pajama set for my mom and a pair of legit shoes for daddy. My moms pj set has cupcakes on it. I love it cause it's so funny imagining her, the most sensible, no-nonsense woman I know, wearing pink cupcake covered pj's.
Don't know if I've mentioned this before or not, but the guy from my woman's studies class has been hitting on me lately. Not particularly interested in him, he's not really my "type". Granted, the past guys who where my "type" didn't really work out that well, so that's not saying much.
Meh (the last one hated when I said "meh". He said it represented a lack of interest, or something along those lines), I'm thinking of swearing off boys. Just, stop thinking about them for a little while. I bet it would make life easier.
In one of our last womens studies lectures we were talking about body image and the media portrayed body ideal. About how food has become almost forbidden and how fat people are considered to have no self control or morality. I felt like crap about myself the entire time. Everything we talked about or read, I could relate to. I knew what it was like to feel bad for eating. I knew what it felt like to convince yourself that you weren't going to eat anymore. What it feels like to shove your finger down your throat and watch all the food you shoved down come back up.
I sometimes think that I know what too many things feel like. Like I've experienced too many things. Too many negative things. No, I'm not regretting, just sadly observing.
I hate how dependent I am on things, on people. How I latch on to someone and they become my focus. The only thing I think about or try to make sense of. They become my.. I don't know. They become too important. In my mind.
Uhm, to anyone reading, I apologize for the obvious lack of enthusiasm in tonight's post.
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