It's Not Quite Like Today's Bullshit

Oh boy, I can’t believe how long it is since I’ve written anything. I can’t help it though, I’m so afraid of ruining what I’ve fixed with my parents. And I can’t help but be afraid that they are still reading this. Or stalking my internet. Or whatever. Regardless, I miss writing, and I figured if I wrote this while out at Williams, they can’t tap into the internet, and thus, cannot read it. I’m hoping my theory holds. Might as well give it a shot. Alright, lots to say, and so little time. Not really sure where to start… I suppose I should clarify what I was talking about in the last post. Remember how there was the guy I dated in elementary school, and then we hooked up in high school and he kept wanting to hook up again during uni? Well, me and him now have this random sex thing, where we’ll figure out one another’s schedule and get together on free days for same (really great) sex and some (equally great) weed. The reason I wanted to vent about this was that I was super confused as to what he wanted from me, like- if he wanted a relationship or just to use me, and a whole ton of other stuff along those lines. That’s less of an issue now, cause I confronted him about it last time whilst high and pretty much just stated “this is just sex, right?” and then went about my business. Oh, andddd, while we’re on the topic of sex and whatnot, I should probably inform you of the absolute worst sex of my life. Haha, that sounds kinda melodramatic, but I’m not even exaggerating. No, it wasn’t with the same guy as I’ve mentioned above, it was just a hookup at my friends party. I was having a blast getting wasted and high and all that fun stuff, and was also playing some randomass video game that I don’t recall the name of. I didn’t know how to play, but everyone just kept saying to hit buttons, and apparently I’m really good at hitting random buttons. So I was really kicking my friends ass at this game when this guy comes and starts telling me how great I am and puts his hand on my knee etc. Won’t go into details about the sex (mainly cause it sucked) but I will say this: He spanked me. Yeah. It was just really weird. And so bad. And now every time I hear someone say “Oh, you’re such a good girl” to their dog or something, I start feeling sick. Ugh.

Enough about that, let’s move on to the next topic. Which is all the fun I have (and haven’t) been having while at home for the summer. Like, I’ve had some great fun visiting with friends and I saw the gay brit a couple times, once when he stayed over (oh ma gawd, great story, I should talk about that next) and once when I went there. Also spent a shit ton of time with the ginger and toto (last time I saw the ginger we smoked hookah at her place and watched the original alice in wonderland movie), and got to see the girl I became friends with during second semester english. Haven’t come up with a nickname for her yet. Hrmm. Wonder what I should call her, I mean, we’ve been hanging out a lot lately, I feel like I should have something to refer to her by. I think I’ll go with lis. Yeah, that works. For a number of reasons, actually. But none I can mention cause they work in regards to her name. Right, well, me and lis were hanging out a little while ago, and had a blast hanging out- went for pizza, checked out a great book store, and ate jelly belly beans.

Ooh, speaking of books, I’ve been reading some really great ones. I read The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo and LOVED it. It was SO FUCKING GOOD. I couldn’t put it down. I finished it in only a few days, and that book is about 800 pages long. I was so sad when I finished it, and so found the other two of the trilogy and sped through those too. I was kinda nervous that the ending would leave us wanting more, or be a cliffhanger or something, because apparently the author died before the books were published. Thankfully, the ending was perfect and I had absolutely no complaints- other than the fact that it was done. Unfortunately, the book I started reading after the trilogy really sucked, so I had to put it down midway. Luckily, during my hangouts with the gay brit, we also went to a bookstore and he introduced me to a great book called The Eyre Affair by Jasper Fforde. So far it’s fascinating and absolutely hilarious.

Right, so the gay brit staying over. Well, that day me and ginger went downtown with some friends with the plan to get drunk and go watch our friends cousin participate in a performance of Repo! The Genetic Opera. I was unaware of this at the time, but apparently the same way people do Rocky showings, they do Repo showings too. It was fucking brilliant. Right so, we went downtown, and met up with the brit and got lost a couple times, and then proceeded to my friend’s cousins place, after which we got lost (again) and finally found the place we were trying to get to. From there we proceeded to the LCBO only to find there was a massive crown of people wanting to get their booze on. So a couple of waited outside and sang along with this busker who was serenading us. As per usual, I got super intoxicated super fast, and started holding hands and singing songs with the brit the entire way to the theatre. Afterwards I had to deal with my classic post hangout freakout, concerned with smelling like either alcohol or cigarettes and not wanting to get caught by my parents. The brit hadn’t seen this side of me before cause of uni and I was scared that it would make him think poorly of me, but that might have just been the alcohol talking. We finally got to my place at around 2am ish and my parents weren’t happy. Luckily, they were in bed and didn’t talk to us or nothing. Crisis averted. We spent some time just chilling in my bed listening to music and then fell asleep. It was really great. Oh, and then the second time I saw him, I went down to the beaches and met up with him there. We went for food (had these super awesome veggie burgers, oh ma gawd, I died- they were so good) and then sat by the beach and (surprise surprise) sang songs and yelled at geese.

I also got to hang out with my panda a couple times, which was great. He’s so much fun to talk to, and just, hang out with. He’s really funny and really easy to talk to, doesn’t care about boundaries and is ok with talking about pretty much anything. It was actually pretty funny, we were on our way to get sushi and ran into a couple of those Jehovah’s Witnesses. They started trying to “get us on the right path” and we had a lot of fun questioning their beliefs and trying to disprove what they had to say. Very respectfully and all, but still.

Almost forgot to mention the scavenger hunt! Oh gosh, that was sooo much fun. Me and some friends usually love doing the random Improv Toronto events and show up to as many of them as we can. The most recent was the scavenger hunt. We were given a list of things we had to find, take a picture of and answer. And each thing was located somewhere around downtown Toronto. We found about 75% of the things on our list and had a blast looking for them. I learnt about a ton of new places, which was pretty cool too.

Also, I’ve got a job now, though I can barely call it that cause they’re not giving me any shifts. At all. They gave me 3 10 hour shifts in a row during opening week but nothing since then. FML. Luckily, come July I have two weeks work as a secretary at a doctor’s office. And then, after that I’m gonna start work at a Rogers store cause my dad knows the guy that runs it and asked if he had an opening or anything. The guy said he did but he didn’t want me to leave for the two weeks in July so I said I’d start after them. Woott! Work! Thank heavens. In the meantime, during my worklessness I’ve spent my time glued to the tv cause I started watching Angel again (a great tv show about a vampire “detective” who “helps the helpless”. I love it.) and just finished the last episode today. It’s five seasons long. I got through it in about two weeks. How sad is that? But I haven’t been completely lifeless, for the most part. I mean, I go to the gym a couple times a week (I’ve gotten addicted to Yoga, hoping to find a class to sign up to in Waterloo when I get back) and there’s the chill sessions with people.

This weekend I was supposed to go to Wasaga with some friends where we were gonna rent a cottage by the beach and bask in the awesomeness that is the beach. Unfortunately, the group decided to just do one day, and expect me to cough up 50 bucks to go go-karting with them. Because I don’t have that kind of money, I’m probably not gonna go. Luckily, lis is going to be downtown again this weekend, so I’ll probably just go spend the weekend with her and (hopefully) get super wasted.

Uhmm, right! Me, my mom and my sister are planning on getting matching tattoos. We’re considering getting a lotus flower, representative of divinity, peace and beauty. Though the main relation to us is the peace aspect. Because of our relationship, having something that reminds us of peace while also reminding us of one another is quite an accomplishment.

Lastly, I was going through some of my old documents and I found a conversation between me and the last boyfriend. The one with the anxiety issue. The one who turned out to be a douche bag who thought our relationship was a joke. If you could read the conversation I just read, you would know for a fact- that relationship was anything but a joke. We really cared about each other, and we got along really well. We understood what the other was saying, and could always relate. We were comfortable being perfectly honest, and could joke around. And I’d even told him about the fact that I didn’t attach any emotion to sex during that conversation. You knew that sex didn’t matter to me. You probably don’t read my blog anymore, but if you do, I want you to know that our relationship wasn’t a joke. It really mattered. To both of us. Or at least to me.

Uhmm, I’m sure there’s more to say, but I can’t really remember every single thing that’s happened over the last two months, so I think I’ll just leave it at that and see if I can squeeze in another post at some point in time before I start school again.

But I’ll close with something interesting. Last time I got high, I decided to write down what I was thinking about. It was a really great high and we went to the forest and just enjoyed the beauty of it. It was like an adventure, and I loved every second of it. I literally stood and stared at a patch of forest for about two hours, and it was the most amazing experience of my life. The forest was so… alive. And it was talking to me, and.. oh gosh, I wish I could explain it all to you. Unfortunately, I don’t remember all the details, so I’ll just type out what I had written and share that with you. Bear in mind, I was high, so coherence wasn’t my top priority.

“I sense there’s something in the air, a silence coming, a new wall burning. Just words. So many faces, they pass me by and by. Itchy itchy. They come a biting, knocking on your door. They will be pouncing, and just creating words. It’s always moving. I’ll never remember the tune. You don’t see it anymore. You shot (?[I can’t read the word for sure]) yours and only memories of a dream remain. I’m so high I can touch the sun. I’m burnt down to a crisp, you see. There’s so much more I want to write down. They fleet so quickly by though. You want to get rid of me, but I refuse to go. Not because I want you, no. Because I want to stay. That is the end of that one, you say, and falsely wipe a tear. You whisper I’ll be coming up for more. Attempts to pretend, but knows not how to. Mmm, Angel. I should pack up my shit and let him be free to go. Could I come back at all or will I fall down through the hole? He keeps hinting and nudging. Let us go, he pleads, help us all beware! She’s mad as a hatter and ready to call out to the children and branches and brethren.”

I realize that little of that made sense, but to fill you in, I was actually talking about the guy I was with at the end, and how he kept trying to get rid of me, and how he thought I was insane. 

Every Now and Then I Fall Apart

The last post wasn't directed to you, if that's what you were thinking, I DO follow a number of 'em :)
By the way, I can't believe how bad it is, I though it was just a small thing, I hope you get better soon <3

I miss my floor, my friends, my life. Plus, I miss being able to talk to someone about something the minute after it happens, I can't do that while I'm home, cause ginger is in NY right now, and Toto doesn't really know how to relate to this sort of thing. I want to tell you what it is I'm talking about when I say "this sort of thing" but I'm still scared that my parents can read what I right, and it makes me nervous. BUT I WANT TO VENT ABOUT IT. I reeeeaaalllyyy want to go see my shrink again :( Haha, it's funny how I want her so badly now after resenting being forced to see her at first.

Basically, the number is 14 now.

Turn Around

Getting bored of reading what she has to say, it's mostly about that anyways. Meh, whatever, her life, her choice. My main concern right now is my parents. Now that I'm back home for the summer, life's gonna go back to how it was in highschool, i.e., torture. Plus, I'm scared they're still following what I do on the internet, and thus, am scared they'll be able to read this. Achhh, I don't want to deal with this again. But I don't know what to do. For now I've just been laying low, doing whatever they want me to, haven't even left the house yet, like, since I got back. The blog is my main concern in regards to them, and I suppose it wouldn't hurt to write less over the summer, but I don't think I'll be able to not write. I don't know. I'm kinda hoping I'll see the shrink again. I miss her. And she always knew what to say, or how to fix something. But it was super expensive to see her. It cost a whole 200 bucks each time I saw her for an hour. God, those people make good money. I don't know if we can afford it on top of school fees. Maybe if I find a job I'll be able to pay for it, but we'll see.
On another note, he's trying to hook up with me again. I've agreed to go out for coffee with him sometime this week. I just hope it stays at coffee and doesn't go any further.
We shall see.

Philosophy of Mind

Can you believe it? I am going to be done my first year of University in about.. 26 hours.
HOLY FUCK.
It just flew past, I barely even remember the beginning of the year anymore.
This is weirrdd.

Having a Day From Hell

I'm getting fed up with this, not only have I practically lost the friendship I had with her, now I'm losing her too. Before, they were, as a couple, but I could still imagine they were separate people. I can't see it anymore. They're always together, they're hardly ever joining the rest of us, she didn't join us for her roommates birthday, AND I tried calling her today, and got her voicemail. It is a ridiculous message intertwining their two voices alternatively, saying that they aren't there to pick up the phone. IT'S A FUCKING CELL PHONE. There is no "our" in cell phone. A SINGLE PERSON owns a cellphone.

Yes, I realize I'm being a bitch about this, but I'm just getting really fed up and I'm already freaking out over tomorrow's exam, and I miss being friends with the person I thought was going to be my university bestie. Yeah, I know you read this, I just didn't really want to talk to you about it. Plus, I needed to vent, and this is technically where I vent, and I didn't know where else to write it. I can't believe I'm apologizing for saying whats on my mind on my blog. I used to think I'd be able to write whatever on here without freaking out about it, but now I'm just trying to keep writing so I can keep myself from clicking "Publish Post" cause I'm scared I'll hurt your feelings if I post this. So I'm trying to convince myself that it is my "safe place", the only place I can be completely honest, and that I should be able to write whatever I want here.

As I've said repeatedly, I do still love you, I just really don't like him, and what your relationship has done to your friendships with EVERYBODY. I remember the beginning of the year, and all the drama we dealt with because he was such a douche bag to you and would only hook up with you. How I'd sit and talk with you about how he'd come around eventually, and some other random shit. I think I was more ok with him then. I used to hug him *shudder*. I don't even think it's him I dislike so much as it is how you guys act as a couple. I'm sure I still dislike him, I just don't know why. He gets on my nerves.

Ugh, I should probably get back to studying now. That was a good rant. I hope it doesn't sound really mean or anything, that wasn't the direction I was going for. It was supposed to be more reflective, and venting, I suppose. Which means it may be kinda angry.
KAY, NO. I HAVE TO STOP NOW.

It Wasn't Going So Well

Wouldn't it be logical for us to consider those who believe in God as Schizophrenic? I mean, I'm not saying I don't believe in God, just that, we are pledging faith in an almighty being we've never seen before. Don't people get locked up for believing in something other people can't see?
Logically, we should be considered crazy.
Just saying.

Sand and Foam

This weekend was pretty sick, I wasn't expecting it to be as much fun as it was. I went home on friday, mainly to drop off some stuff, but also because the ginger, toto and I were going to the Tim Burton exhibit on saturday (which was INCREDIBLE). I got a ride home from a friend, which was awesome and highly convenient, plus, he's cool and I like his girlfriend :P. I think I was supposed to offer to chip in for gas, but I mean, it's not like I asked him to come get me, he was dropping a friend off in Waterloo, so I asked if I could go back with him. I probably should've offered anyways. Ah well, too late now.
As I said, the exhibit was great, a bunch of Tim Burton's artwork, and notes from the movies, and costumes, and just... stuff. Plus, we went to this really great food place before the exhibit and I had THE. GREATEST. PIZZA. EVER. Literally.
After the exhibit, we headed off to the pillow fight. I should explain. We like doing the events hosted by Improv Toronto, which is why we did the no pants subway ride, and the free hugs, and the other random stuff. Yesterday, they hosted a massive pillow fight, and people brought pillows, had a pillow fight and then donated the pillows to a charity thing. We spent the whole day lugging these pillows around, getting numerous looks from people, and a very entertaining encounter at the exhibit, cause security asked us to check our pillows into coat check :P. It was funneh.
SO, we went to the pillow fight and it was fun for about... ten minutes. Then we got bored. Luckily. we were prepared. We pulled out our free hug signs and started calling out things like "Stop the pillow fights!" "Violence is not the answer!" "Share hugs, not feathers!" etc., and that got a lot of attention, people were super excited to get hugs, and I think everyone took a picture of us. It was weird, but great fun, cause getting hugs always makes me smile.
We went to Timmies after, and met up with some old highschool friends, which was cool, but we had to leave early cause the ginger's dad was giving us a ride back. Overall, it was a good day.

Before I bring this to an end, I'd like to say to blondie, that we still love you, and we do still want to hang out with you all the time.. just preferably not with him... all the time. Just saying :D Also, SO EXCITED FOR THE HOUSE NEXT YEAR!!!

That is all.
<3

Worst Friend Ever

This girl is fucking ridiculous. I mean, I have spent endless hours letting her vent to me about all the nonsense in her life, and the one time I ask her for anything, she replies with an "oops"?! Basically, as stated in my last post, I appear to have caught a cold, or flu, or something. I couldn't make it to my film class cause I could hardly get out of bed. I texted her asking her to talk to the prof, and ask if I could borrow the movie we watched in class, so I could do the paper we have to hand in on wednesday. At the end of class, I texted her again, to make sure she talked to the prof, and she texts "opps :s". Reallly? After all the times I've done shit for you, helped you out, been there for you, you couldn't even remember to talk to the prof for me?! Sweetheart, I'm afraid we can't really be friends anymore. No wonder your ex was all like "she treats me like a dog". Pfft, and you thought that was uncalled for.
Ugh.

Oh Germs

How you have forsaken me!
I suppose it is logical that I would be sick with a cold and horrible sore throat right now, after the events of the weekend, but I must say, I'm quite proud of myself nonetheless. You see, the ginger came up to visit this weekend, and we went to this club event, a paint party. It was a lot of fun, and we each danced with numerous people, and I (only) made out and grinded with the guys I was dancing with. Though, there were two instances where the guys tried to get me to go home with them, I was either not drunk enough, or just wise enough to finally get myself out of it (with the twins assistance :)). I don't care how comfortable I am hooking up, I'm not gonna keep fucking random strangers. End of story- but not really, because now I've got a hickey on my neck and a ridiculously bruised lip *sigh*. Luckily, the smaller hickeys faded away already.
After the party was ending, and we were stuck waiting outside in the FREEZING COLD wearing our wet t-shirts, and jackets. The jackets were useless though, considering how soaked we all were. We got home, took hot showers and collapsed, we were fucking exhausted. The next day was pretty chills though, we woke up mid-afternoon, hung out with the ever-entertaining group of gays I happen to be friends with, and then got high. Well, I got high with one of the gays. She wasn't in the mood for it, I suppose. Kinda felt bad, cause it was her weed. But she kept saying she wanted to get rid of it, and I wanted to get high. Thankfully, it was a good high too, no bad trip this time :).
*Sniffle* I'm sure theres more I'm supposed to say, there were a lot of thoughts I was having while I was high last night that I'd love to share, but I'm just not feeling up to it right now. I'm crazy exhausted, and my throat still feels like crap :(.

Reincarnation

In a past life, I was a man
This time around my limbs are still
and reach for the sky.
Little green petals cover my arms
and squirrels nest upon my brow.
My only movement is dictated by the wind
and yet I am so much more at peace.
This time around, I can peacefully see
and do naught but provide.
I feel no more selfish greed
instead feeling bliss in my everlasting stillness.
Suppose this life too shall come to an end,
perhaps next time I shall fly.

Why Won't You Release Me?

Honestly, I feel like the only time I ever have something to say on here, it's when I'm supposed to be working on an essay. I'm so fed up with us not being friends anymore. It just bugs me to no end. How are we supposed to live together next year if we aren't even talking anymore? How are we supposed to party together when we can't even look each other in the eye?

I keep seeing you being your usual self with everyone else. Remember when we were still friends? There were all the times chilling and doing homework in your room. We'd always get each other for food time, we'd talk, and laugh, and then there was the time you were going home for the weekend and came to say bye to me just as I was leaving my room in my towel, about to shower. Our awkward hug? The pool games we'd play, endlessly. The bus ride together that weekend we were both going home.

How did we loose all these more important things because of one stupid thing?
I couldn't care less for you romantically, but I'm so fed up with the change in our initial relationship and I don't know how to fix it. And that makes me sad.

Nonviolent Peaceforce

Is it wrong of me to still be in love with him?
It's tough to say that on here, because of the people who might be reading, but to those of you who are, no, it's probably not the him you're thinking about. It's the original him. The him I keep thinking back too, the him who I lost it for. The him who states I'm "fucking hot". Remember him?

I'm supposed to be working on my PACS thing, but he messaged me on Facebook and I got distracted. It wasn't a big thing, just a small "hello stranger"- we haven't talked in a while. Probably because he's got a new girlfriend. But I suppose the fact that we're both dealing with university now could be part of it too. Either way, I kinda wish he hadn't messaged me, reminding me how much I miss him. Just, being with him. Especially not now, after I've spent the past couple hours immersed in the drama of my current anime addiction (the episode I just ended with was this really touching and emotional drama bit because the main guy has decided to choose his former lover over the main girl, and the main girl has just realized how much she truly loves him. So much so that she's willing to stay with him while they continue their quest, even though he picked the other girl over her). I don't like thinking like this, it makes me feel vulnerable. Even now I feel like I might just burst into tears, but that may just be because it's 5 in the morning and I'm thinking the energy drink may have begun to wear off.

Feels So Good Being Bad

Can you believe it, there are EXACTLY 23 days left of my first year in University. TWENTY THREE DAYS! Holy Fuck. I mean, where the fuck did my school year go? What have I learned? Accomplished? Done?! I'm kinda freaking out, and it's not fun, especially considering I'm supposed to be working on my PACS paper right now (Peace and Conflict Studies) and I can't, because I didn't go to the event we're supposed to write about, so I'm kinda screwed atm.
On another note, I got my English essay back, the one about high school, and I was kinda disappointed at first, and my prof noticed, and she called me down after class, asking if I wanted to talk about my essay, I mumbled that there was nothing to say, and she gave me this little pep talk. (BTW, I had gotten a 79.6%) She started by asking me what year I'm in, I told her First. She said, your paper was great, I got really immersed while reading it, and I just want you to know that you got the third highest mark in the class, I don't want you to be disappointed with your grade. She goes on to inform me that we have numerous third and fourth year students in the class, and I still got the third highest mark. I was all excited and bubbly for the rest of the day. It was the first time a prof had cared enough to show me how proud they were of me. It was incredible! I kinda just wanna do better in all my classes so that I can maybe experience that again sometime. In the meanwhile, I have to continue working on these ridiculous, never ending papers.
BAHHUMBUG.

He Lied To Me

The blog I 1was lead to believe to be yours is that of a 16 year old female photographer.
That was uncalled for and low. I trusted you in giving you my actual blog and this is just ridiculous.
I'm probably not going to say anything to you directly, but because I know that you will be reading this, this is technically my way of telling it to you directly. If that made sense.
Basically, I'm mad at you -_-.

Twas A Dream

I'm in love.
We went to the drag show last night, and it was great fun, we danced and watched the performances and got really drunk and had a great time. After wards we got back and played truth or truth with a bunch of randoms until about 3 am, at which point most people left but me and gay blondie (not the ottawaian). We had this heart to heart talk for another two hours or so, and then went to bed. It was here that I fell in love. It sounds insane, but I feel like it really happened, it was all so real! I don't remember all the details but I think I was in this band or something, very comedic, and we were performing in a contest thing. This girl (who I feel like I've met before, somewhere) pulled me aside and dragged me to the girls bathroom. Then she started yelling at me for making her like me. I was really confused, but she seemed so sincere, and then she just, held me? I don't know, it was weird, and I do acknowledge this, but it was so great. Again, I know this was a dream, but it just felt so real that I don't understand. After the bit in the bathroom, I asked her if we were dating, I don't remember what she answered, but then she saved me from a paintball (the contest we were in was really intense, and people had to try to get the competition out by hitting them with paintballs during the breaks) and then disappeared. I remember crying. I didn't want her to leave, and I couldn't find her anywhere. I was looking all over the place and she was nowhere, and then she randomly showed up again, after a fire alarm in the building I was staying in.I don't remember the rest, but I do know that I felt like I was legitimately in love.

On another note completely, last night, during me and gay blondie's heart to heart, he mentioned something about how all girls wanted a gay best friend, and thats why everyone liked him in high school. I realized that I had always wanted a gay best friend too, and started thinking about that. It then occurred to me, that it was never so much that I wanted to have a gay best friend as it was that I wanted people to be comfortable around me. I wanted to be the girl gay guys could be comfortable around. Though, now that I think about it, maybe I wanted a to be able to be comfortable (myself) around a guy. Interesting, I've never really considered this before. I just know I always wanted gay friends.

Don't Unplug Me

I'm so fed up with.. nonsense. I mean, it's much more fun than sense, but it's so much more complicated at the same time. The type of nonsense I'm referring to specifically at this point in time, is drama. Ugh, but I'm so fed up with drama, and, more importantly, emotions! They make everything so much more difficult, like for that girl being around him when he's such a douche, or for that guy, being unsure of his sexuality and breaking down in front of everyone. Knowing that what they're doing isn't right, that they should deserve happiness, no matter at what means, that they deserve more. That sounds contradictory, but I'm slightly intoxicated at this point in time, so I don't give a shit. I'm just so fed up of being second hand, of being looked over. Shit, I need to buy alcohol, we're going out tomorrow. Fucckkerr.
Uhm.
What was I saying?
Right, uhm, (lawl, I was watching Alice In Wonderland last night cause I was high and it made sense, and when I say "uhm" in my head now, I remember how she pretended to be Um from Umbridge, and the queen welcomed her with open arms saying "anyone with a head that large is welcome in my court")  <--- That was a waste of a story, seeing as it had little to do with my current rant on self deprecation. I just feel so stupid right now.

I really want to lose weight.
I want my skin to stop freaking out at me.
I want to be more involved with political issues.
To be able to make a difference, and help people. Maybe be a LOT less hung up on myself, and all my idiocity. Focus on someone else and be there for them. Stop treating other people like second hand friends. Get a boyfriend. Or a girlfriend. Though, I think I'm leaning much more to the side of the straight. That's to say, I think I'm more into guys, and just "fluid" sexually. Either way, I want a someone, and I want to be a better someone myself. End of story.

I wonder what it was like in older days, when people carried perfume purses to keep from smelling bad, and would paint their faces white. I wonder what thoughts they had, if they wanted to change the world. I wonder if the cave men where happy, with their rocks and bows. Why did we change, how did this come about, where we not happier when we didn't know how to fuck ourselves over?
Wait, no, the time period when people painted their faces, they had alcohol then, didn't they? I believe so.
Blondie and whats-his-face ditched the party tonight, and decided instead to do their own thing behind locked doors. Once more, I see no relevance to my initial rant, but it was in my head and needed out. Also, I hadn't realized how much fun arguing was until V decided to start an argument with me about the depth of mainstream music in order to get me out of my boredom. It was highly entertaining, even though I didn't know he was just doing it to get a rise out of me, I felt so much more alive while I was making my point. It was the cats pajamas.
Speaking of pajamas, I feel I should turn in, I need sleeps.

The Tradition Continues

You know what? Four thousand words is alot of words. Like, I didn't even realize how many words it would be until I started writing and blanked after a thousand. Now I've made it up to two thousand, and I've got enough ideas for at least (hopefully) a couple hundred more. But even then, I've only got about 2500, maybe.

Hmmm, I was just remembering back in the day, when I was in grade eight, I think- my desk was facing my window then cause I liked watching the neighborhood kids play outside at night, it made me feel like I had a social life. I used to hide my books in my desk and I'd always be reading. I never felt like doing homework so I'd instead just read all these great books. There was one I was particularly in love with- Meyers Creek, or something like that. Oh, the innocence and simplicity of those days. God, I feel so old now.
Ugh, I have no time for this! I have to get back to my paper. But it sure was nice remembering how much easier everything was then. Granted, I'm pretty sure I'm just remembering the good parts, there was a lot of yelling all the time, and a lot of door slamming- in order to reiterate this, let me tell you that the door to my room back at home no longer has a doorknob.
Kay, back to essay!

I'll Be There For You

Last night was a difficult night. A lot more difficult than I had anticipated when I was showering and getting ready to go out. I had told myself that I'd hookup with someone, cause I've been really bored of not doing so lately, and so, decided that something exciting would happen. Boy, was I right. Exciting, sure. It was definitely an exciting night. Not quite what I had in mind, but definitely exciting. Started when me and the asian ottawaian were getting dressed and ready to get drunk. We were all ready and headed up to the gay brits floor when she decided she didn't want to drink. Only to inform me about ten minutes later, that she didn't want to go to the dance thing at all. So instead, me, the gay brit, his ex, this new guy and this girl were all getting wasted together. As we declined into the blissful state that is intoxication, we decided it was about time to go. Let me give you some background info first though. Uhm, kay, basically, the ex had told me that he was really interested in this new guy, but he was pretty sure that the new guy was straight. So yeah. As they wee getting more and more drunk, the ex was flirting with new guy more and more, and new guy was letting him. So that was that. We got to the dance and pretty much paired off into dance partners, except, I didn't really have a dance partner at first because the gay brit was dancing with the other girl, and the ex and the new guy were dancing together, so I was kinda flitting around between the two sets of partners. Gay brit breaks down mid dance with me, and we rush off out of the dance because he was really upset. We run out into the snow, jacketless, I might add, and start having this really intense, emotional heart to heart. I swear, that was probably the most emotional I've been since I got here. Actually, probably the most emotional I've been since that time I swallowed the pills. Then again, I was REALLY emotional that night whats-his-face was all like "don't seduce me", that hoe.

Sorry, I'm getting off topic. Uhm, so yeah, we were both really upset, and he was really upset and kept saying how no body loved him, or something like that (sorry, I may not have all the details 100%, I was really really drunk). Right, so, we were stumbling around in the freezing cold, and we just kept crying. I can't speak for him, but it kinda felt like we just both knew exactly how each of us felt. We connected. Everything made sense. And it made me sad. Not the connecting thing, just, everything. Hearing him say he had tried to kill himself, knowing exactly how that felt, knowing how it felt to be in a dysfunctional family, it was just all so blatantly clear, not only that we'd both experienced those things, but also just the fact that we had experienced those things. I don't know if that makes sense or not, but it does in my head. All of this always makes sense in my head. Everything always makes sense in my head. And I keep it in my head, but last night, it wasn't just in my head anymore. I was sad, and I was mad at him. I kept yelling at him to listen to me. I didn't want him to think he was alone, but he wasn't listening. I think that might be why I cried. I didn't know how to show him, or tell him that I got it. That I understood. So instead, I cried. I didn't mean to either, I meant to be strong for him.

Uhm, from there, he really didn't want to go back to the dance thing, but I was really cold, like, I felt like I was dying. Actually, I can paint this picture for you. Remember in the Titanic, scene were everyone is in the water, drowning and freezing? That's how cold I felt. I imagine that if I had stayed out for much longer, I'd actually be that frozen. We got back and saw that the other three were looking for us. As soon as he saw them, he bolted. He didn't want to deal with them, and had to leave. I get it, I guess, I just wish he'd have let me help him. I didn't want him to be alone, but I just couldn't go back in the cold, not right after getting inside. A couple people saw me come in from the snow. I must've looked really cold, cause they seemed concerned. Normally, people don't pay much attention to others. They definitely did.

That was the most eventful part of that, and after some more dancing (the asian ottawaian and some other floor mates turned up and wanted me to dance with them), the dance thing ended, but I was in too crappy a mood to be able to sober up. I needed greater intoxication. We had decided to go to this party, but apparently it was dying down when we wanted to head out, so that didn't happen. Everyone seemed to be done with the partying mood, so I was alone in my search for intoxication. I still had the joint my friend rolled me over reading week, so I took it my smoking buddy's room, and we smoked it in there. I was fucked. Bear in mind, I am a light weight, and I'd already had a lot to drink. Now add half a huge fucking joint to that, and imagine were I was. At first I was just really stoned, but then my drunkenness caught up with me, and I started feeling sick. I went to the bathroom and ended up puking on the floor, that was not fun. Honestly, the entire time I was just praying because I thought I was dying. I thought that this must be what death feels like. Guess not, but it was pretty fucking close. Finally, everything was puked up, so I cleaned up a bit, and got most of the vomit off the floor (didn't want to leave it for the cleaning staff, that would've been rude) and FINALLY went to bed.

Today wasn't much better, because I had a crazy hangover. Or maybe it wasn't a hangover, I just know I felt like shit. No headache or anything, just general crappy moodedness.Gay brit asked me to have dinner with him and started apologizing about last night, and told me how he didn't remember much of what happened, but that he was sorry because he remembered making me cry. Told me how he had this image of me being really sad in his head, and that it was difficult because he's never seen me sad before. Which made me realize, so few of my friends have ever seen me break down, and, considering how often that happens, it's kinda disconcerting. I mean, I think only the ginger and Toto have seen me after one of my fights with my parents, and the douche bag ex who no longer confronts my existence, the one that goes to Waterloo with me- I think he was there for a breakdown or two, I think. Or it may have just been the breakdown e-mail sent him before we actually started dating; and I think the asian ottawaian saw me the night I broke down in her room cause of whats-his-face. But other than that, I don't think my friends have seen that side of me. And if that's the case, can you really call them friends? I mean, aren't friends supposed to be there for the good and the bad? It's not like I don't love them because they haven't seen me cry, but it does make me question how real I am. I mean, it's almost like I'm not being myself around them.

*Sigh* all this is making my crappy mood slightly worse, so I'm gonna stop now, but before I do, let me just say that around the middle of the day, I was informed that the paper I thought to be due on march 30th is actually due tomorrow, and it's FOUR THOUSAND FUCKING WORDS. That is a lot of words. And I'm only at 423. SOOOOO, I'm gonna go work on that and hopwfully get it done tonight.

Though, I highly doubt it.

Sadface.

Need To Get Psycho

The brit and I want to start a band. We want to call it "The Orthadykes". It'll be a punk/indie band that sounds kinda like Tegan and Sarah, except Jewish. Lol, yes, I do realize that neither of us are Jewish, but we just saw this movie "Trembling Before G-d" and in the credits, they mentioned this orthodox Jewish lesbian group called the orthadykes. It was brilliant, and my first though was what a great band name that would be. So, we want to start a group on Facebook looking for people who have musical abilities and would be interested. Again, I also realize that I have no musical abilities, and so creating a band would be difficult, but we figure that we can be the "behind the scenes" people, plus, I could probably write some songs, or try to change some of my poems into more melodic song type things.

Meh, we'll see.

I'm really tired right now, cause I spent all of last night writing my English paper, which I finally finished, with little coherence, I might add, and now I get to do it ALL OVER AGAIN tonight when I attempt to write my Womens Studies paper. Bahhumbug. I'm in the library right now, and was planning on starting, but then go distracted by this blogging business. I still have about an hour before my next class starts, so I'll get started in a sec. Plus, I can probably do some work during said class, because I never take notes in it anyways. SO, it's all planned out, fear not :).

I know my topic is fascinating and all, I just really don't feel like writing. Well, writing an essay anyways. I'm enjoying this idle banter, and could probably continue rambling nonsense for a good little while. Before I do go and attempt to write my paper, I'd just like to say that I've been having some pretty weird dreams the past couple nights. I can't remember last nights right now, but the night before was REALLY weird. It was me and a group of friends, we were out on some kind of adventure. I was talking to this one kid about how I was jealous of my friend because she was spending so much time with this other friend, and how I really missed spending time with her, and one of my guy friends was sitting behind me, but me and him weren't really on good terms, but then he heard me sniffling or something, and, without turning around, he randomly reached his arm over and wiped at my tears. As I said, really random. And that wasn't even the most random bit; after my heart to heart with the kid, we were all getting up to leave, and I was suddenly alone in the room and was packing my stuff up (my stuff included a really big blanket and a bunch of random odds and ends that I don't distinctly remember), when this other kid walks into the room and starts talking to me about stuff. I don't remember where we were, or where the room was, but I'm gonna assume it was a school or something, because I didn't recognize the kid and I don't know where else I would find random kids. Then there was a final scene shift where I was rushing down a subway staircase, trying to case the bus before the doors shut.

Yeahhh. I'm kinda curious as to whether there was a message behind this dream. I hope not, because I think it might scare me a little bit if there is a meaning to it.

ANYWHO. Essay time!

Someone's Head Resting On My Knee

I currently could not care less about this essay. It's due in exactly 18 hours and I don't want to write it. I've got 700 of 2000 words, and I don't want to write anymore. I've already spent a good while talking with my fellow peers, and doing a drawing on paint. Alongside numerous other activities, one of which was a funny conversation when my mom called. She wanted to make sure I was behaving, so I "jokingly" told her how this one time, I got really drunk, then really high and then hooked up with this guy. I didn't realize until after I hung up that that'd actually happened. I also ended the conversation with "jokingly" saying I had to go cause I wanted a smoke. She laughed, told me to stay good, and hung up. It was brilliant :P.

Kay, everyone's harping on me to go do my essay now, so I'm gonna go. And maybe write more later.

XD