Oh Yeah.. Aristotle is Dead!

Jeezuz Fucking Christ.
I hate my mom. I am loving this guy I met. And I'm dealing with school.
They seem like fairly common statements.
A) My mom. A pain in the ass. A bitch. A fucking ass wipe. And a lot meaner things that only make sense when I say them in my head.
B)The guy. Adorable. A gentleman. A prude. A non-drinker/smoker. And totally making me fall head over heels.
..That's never made sense to me.. how do you fall head over heels? How does falling head over heels prove you like someone? Curious, no?
C)School. I'm passing. My teachers are.. mainly hating me. But I'm passing. With fairly good marks too.. nothing below 80.. woot. Granted, I have a crazy easy semester. But thats not the point.

Moving on, I just realized that I don't write as much as I thought I did. I thought writing was one of my hobbies. I thought I loved to write. If all that's true.. then how come I'm struggling so much to write a single short story for writer's craft?
Arg.

Secrets, Secrets Are No Fun... But It's Less Fun When They Are Heard

Jeezuz Fucking Christ.

Fuck my life. I knew from the second my dad called me and told me we needed to "talk" that something was up. I even asked him then, "What did I do this time?"He assured me I didn't do anything wrong this time.. just something came up and we needed to talk. Foolishly, I believed him. Turns out my cousin.. who I thought I could trust with all my secrets (she tells me her secrets too) decided to go tell her mom, who in turn told my grandma, who then told my parents that I was bragging to my younger cousin about my sexual exploits.
Fucking shit. ARG.

I had half a mind to go and tell them all how she was doing shit with her friends, fucking smoking, pot, drinking.. all the shit I had gotten caught for before.. except the smoking, they never found out I had done weed. Point is, she isn't half as fucking innocent as they all seem to think she is. Ughhhhhh.. fuck. Even now, when i'm trying to almost be honest with them, I'm accused of lying.. yeah, no surprise I guess.. the whole boy who called wolf thing I guess, but still.


GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY HEAD.

The worst part is that my cousin keeps telling me that she isn't spilling my secrets. I don't know what or who to believe. I give up. I want to give up. I want to die. I want my parents to die. I want to be adopted by some really abusive, horrible parents.. maybe that will help me appreciate the crap I have to deal with.

I Wish My Name Was Tall Cause Then I Could Call Myself Irony

Bum bum be dum Bum bum be Dum bum.

Crap.
I really hate that song.

Anywho... I GOT MY BELLY BUTTON PIERCED!!
But my parents don't know.. so shhhh.
I was so proud of myself. I'm really scared of needles but I didn't cry or do anything when I was getting the piercing. I simply didn't look at the needle or the piercing process at all. Just the final product.. the metal rod sticking through my skin at the end.

Moving on, I might be going to prom this year.. I'm in grade 11, but most of my friends are 12ers, so we really wanna do prom together.. I just need to convince my parents to let me go. yay.
The only other problem is who I'm going with. At first, I was positive no one was going to actually ask me to go, so I told one of my guy friends that we would go as friends. Now, this other guy in our group seems to actually want to ask me, but doesn't want to cause he doesn't want to steal his friend's "date". Which I'm not. Granted, I'm not 100% sure the other guy even wants to ask me.. just a guess, from the way he acts around me.

Fuck.

Oh, and, it was really lame today. It was 4,20 today, so just about EVERYONE got high, except me. Cause no one wants to offer me any because they know for sure that I would never smoke. Shiesh. I wish they could just figure me out already, it's not that hard.

Where The Hell am I From?

I was going through my notebook today and I found all these little things I had written and I found some really great ones that I totally loved. Thought I would post them up here before I lost them again.



Dorothy got home just by tapping her heels. I'm stuck, with no heels to tap and no wand to wave. The worst part is that I'm already home. I bet Rosaline regretted having snubbed Romeo so early on. Who would have thought that he would be immortalized at the end of his story? What if Snow White bit the poison apple on purpose? she was probably trying to end her miserable life, only to have Prince Charming screw that up with his bold kiss.

If I was given just one chance, I'd buy romance because romance refuses to come and play. I'm all alone in this sandbox we call life. The toy trucks dumping sand on my shoes while the parents sit on their benches, comparing their children. "Mine plays chess, professionally." "Yeah, well mine is going to Germany to study art." I'm willing to bet those kids had no intention of being the next Picaso when they finger painted your portrait on the wall. And yet, that's life. You learn to deal with it. Whatever that means.

On An Endless Sunday Afternoon

After endless hours of frustrating questions and never ending texts
The cat comes in purring, a stitched mouse her prize.
Sunlit patch of blanket, her pride is evident.
Around and around she pets the ground;
It has to be perfect before she lays her silky head down.
My bed smells like me and she doesn’t seem to mind.
If her purrs are to be of any consolation, she seems to be appeased.
I look over to the upturned roses, left to dry in the bright, untouched light.
A petal falls and the cat pounces.
Soft laughter erupts from my mouth as we wrestle to win the satisfying crunch.
Our playful swipes leave the roses in pieces but no one seems to mind.
I pick at the loose threads in my sleeve and the cat tries to play with them.
Her tall tail brushes under my nose and I try to hold in a sneeze.
The sneeze intrudes on our games and she jumps.
A paper floats to the ground, a quote from a restless moment:
Every second counts.

You Say We're Both Little People and You Like it Thay Way

*Sigh*

Yes, I am happy. Content. And at peace.

For now anyways.

I don't think I've written about my.. friend.. yet.

See, I currently have a "relationship" with this guy who I think I'm in love with but can't tell that I'm in love with because it will end the thing we have together. So this "relationship" is purely physical. Simply put, he's my fuckbuddy. Or friend with benefits. We hardly get to see each other because he lives about a half hour away. Which is very lame. I'm happy cause this long weekend started off with a get together with him. In his car. In a deserted parking lot. In the middle of the night. For more than a half hour. It was incredible. And the best part? Afterwards, when we were both done and just sitting there practically naked, we cuddled. We just sat and cuddled and I was happy.

The rest of the weekend wasn't as great, but I had a lot of fun last night with my two best friends over for one of their birthdays. She turned 17 and we spent the night eating junkfood, talking, watching movies, listening to music and googleing everything that came to mind. I got next to no sleep (cause we went to bed at 5ish and I woke up at... 8?) and that was the end of that. I spent the rest of the day trying to convince myself how important it is to actually do the major essay I have due this week and failing miserably at the convincing part. So I'm dead tired and dying to sleep but not sleeping cause I haven't started the homework I have due tomorrow. After a four day weekend. CRAP.

If These Are the Best Years of Our Lives, How Come Most Suicides Are Committed by Teenagers??

How do you explain that you have trouble trusting your best friend when you only have trouble trusting her to do what's right for herself? I mistakenly told my best friend that I don't trust her today and had one of my other firends turn on me asking why I didn't trust her. Thing is, I have no doubt that she is trustworthy. She just doesn't know how to care for herself.
She has trouble sleeping and is sometimes depressed. I just found out that she's been doing weed to avoid sleeping pills. For some reason, this bothers me a bit more then it should. I figure that doing weed occasionally for fun is fine. When you start doing it to help yourself, you become dependant on it and that's a problem.

At least, I seem to think so.

So I yelled at her and am forcing her to stop weed (with the help of her.. boyfriend? They have a complicated relationship) and have taken away her tylenol pills. I made her give the sleeping pills to her mom and am trying to get her to start reading boring books at night to help her fall asleep.
She doesn't seem to want to help herself though. She rummaged through my bag today in search of tylenol while I went out for a minute and took two. Not for a headache. Just because she had a lot of thoughts in her head and figured taking two strong tylenol pills would "clear things up". Don't get me wrong. I love her and I want to help her out, but she's not making it easy.

Aside from her pill problem, shes also dealing with the guy I mentioned earlier. She doesn't seem to want to make life easy for that poor guy either. He's in love with her and she's in love with him. But due to past experiences with him, she feels she can't trust him. So she's saying that she doesn't want a relationship right now. She still talks to him everyday and they say "I love you" but she doesn't want to date him. He's been trying to win her over by giving her a rose every time he sees her and by doing a bunch of other cute little things, but she's shut him down and told him to stop. Then she gets upset that he didn't talk to her as much the next day and that he didn't say "I love you" at night. I don't know how to explain to her that the mixed messages she's sending him are torturous.

Argg... and they say these are the best years of our lives.

My Reflection in the Glass

...Funny that it's only clear when someone walks behind it.

Yeah, I know.. talk about cliche thoughts, but it's true.

No matter what you tell yourself, you always seem to be defined by what other people see. I want to try to explain the way I think right now, but it's next to impossible to put the reasoning to one's thoughts into words.

For starters, I try to be unique. Rather, I don't try, I just sometimes think that I am. Then, I think to myself, how unique can you be when you know that it is very likely that a bundle of other people have thought the exact same thought as you? Or have said the exact same words?

It just bothers me to think that I'm not even the only one to notice that I'm not the only one thinking certain thoughts.
Yeah.
Uhmm.. anywho, I've started to question my sexuality.
It's kinda a pain in the ass. I was hanging out with one of my best girlfriends a little while ago and me and her are really comfortable around each other. So I was sitting on her lap and she was telling me about something and all I was thinking about was how I really wanted to try making out with her.
I have nothing against homosexuality, but I was very happy thinking only about how hot guys looked. It was a comfortable, simple lifestyle.

On the Other Side of the Outside

Oh, I'm happy today.

I met someone new and he was really sweet.

He was staring out the window into the rain and I was jealous, I wanted to do that but I didn't want to intrude on him while he was clearly in such deep thought. So I stared out the window from behind him and he eventually turned around and saw me. He invited me to stand by the window with him and we spent some time silently watching the rain pour and drip down the window. We talked some and got to know each other a little bit and I think I like him. I think he would make a great friend. And the best part??



I think he likes me.

But Some of Us are Looking at the Stars

Cobwebs in my head, spiders on my tongue.
The dolls mock me with their big, empty eyes.
Glass shard and broken pool tables.
The thoughts in my head have yet to define coherent.

We're all Lying in the Gutters

The moon shining above us.
The other half sees the same thing.
With blinking satellites on either side.
Where have all the stars gone to?
Leaving us with nothing to wish upon.
We resort to throwing away our pennies.
What’s a couple hundred here and there,
When a dream just might come true?

This is What Feels Right Right Now- Childhood

Don’t blink or I’ll slip by you
Back in the day when you could wear your tees inside out.
Count to a hundred and I’m coming to find you.
Push the swing and slide down the slide.
Savor the wet sand under your nails.
Play in the rain and jump in the puddles.
Envision prehistoric friends;
Don’t let them tell you that you’re mad.
Wild treasure hunts and make believe castles.
Blink twice and it turns back into the broken tree stump.
You stood on it to see the world from your parent’s point of view.

If My Heart Were Fashioned With Paper, I'd Slowly Watch it Turn to Ash

Well fuck me.

First, minor thing. I decided to dye my hair. Wanted to do it black. So I bought black hair dye. Or at least thats what it said on the package. I dyed my hair, it turned out red. Well, dark brown but tinted red. My eyebrows are black. I looked retarded.
Luckily, I got my grandma to lighten my eyebrows later that day.

So that's alright.
Next, I had my wallet stolen. From in my purse. From behind my jacket. From in my locker in the swimming pool changeroom. I had my birth certificate, my health card, my student ID, my G1, my library card, some cash and a couple advil tablets.
I reported all this and went to the police and dealt with a ton of shit, then went and payed two bucks for a new library card and all that. Later on, I got a call from the pool telling me my wallet was found. The asshole took my cash, my G1 and my advil. What the fuck.

All this after earlier today I defended people from something my aunt's boyfriend said about how the world is full of bad people. I had told him, no, there are good people in the world. I get proven wrong later that day by having my wallet stolen. I got so mad. I want to fucknig bitch slap somebody or break something or just.. ughhh.

Unfortunatley, my day didn't get any better. After I got home from swimming, my mom found out that I had gotten my dad to promise to lie to my mom (I know, that's kinda hard to follow). My mom got shit pissed at both me and my dad and now I feel bad for my dad cause it's my fault. Then again, he did lie to me by telling my mom what me and him had decided.
So yeah... that's just another day in my life.

In the Beginning You're Always on a Roll

I realized that I haven't yet done what I created this blog to do.
I haven't vented, or let out, or shared anything.

So, I'm gonna start with a background info kinda thing.

Uhmm, I used to be an innocent little nobody. Friendly, sweet, calm, collected. Nothing special.

Then, I somehow totally changed, or became myself. You can see how both make sense. But yeah, I morphed into the person I like to call my current self. This morph involved a bit of experimenting, a lot of fights and a ton of empty nights where I actually cried myself to sleep. Yeah.. that sounds cliche, I know, but it's the truth... it's how I was hardened.

The first screw up was when I decided that my life wasn't interesting enough and decided to meet new people on the net.. this lead to cybering a lot and me stupidly sending out photos of myself. I was even dumb enough to meet with one of the guys I was chatting with (to anyone reading this who is a major "chat roomer" it was only dumb to me, because I was irresponsible with it and didn't know what I was doing. So I'm not trying to bash on chat rooms.. just so you know.

Well, the end result of that wasn't pretty. My parents found out and all hell broke loose. There was talk of me being disowned, of them splitting up, of how I needed help. I was taken to a shrink too. It finally blew over, but they still bring it up every now and then.

Next was my meeting new people. I made some new friends in highschool and started drinking thanks to them. So I was partying and living and happy.. and was dumb enough to write down all that in my handy dandy journal. My parents found th ejournal one night while I was at a party and that lead to a ton of crap because they're these uptight religious folk. At the same time that they found out about the drinking they also found out that I had tried shisha at a party and that I had fooled around with a guy I had just met at a party. When they found out all of this it lead to some serious yelling and beating and talk.. almost actual... divorce, seperation and a ton of other crap I don't need to go into right now.

Eventaully all of this calmed down, but never went away. So I still have to deal with whenever we get in a fight, I'll be called a slut or yelled at about not making mature decisions.

Then I started considering trying weed.

My parents haven't figured this out yet, but they've already lectured me about it. Like they already know I plan to try it.

Most recent is this really funny.. but kinda sad story.
My aunt has decided that I am depressed.
I've assured my parents that I'm not depressed, but I know I am.
I act all bubbly the majority of the time... or at least I used to. Lately I've been having more off days and I'm just having a harder time putting on my carefree face.

I'm going to leave this at that for now because this post feels ridiculously long.

Second Blog and I'm Already Confessing

I lied...
I'll probably have a bunch of random poems here and there.
One of them is here.

Where I’m From
I’m from hopelessness,
Where self-mutilation looks classy.
I’m from defenselessness,
Where bruises turn red instead.
I’m from the Land of Oz,
Where the long winding road seems endless.
My glittery shoes seem broken though.
I’m stuck in a world I don’t deserve.
My sorrow evident, my suffering clear.
Life’s not so bad when your living in fear.
I’m from frustration and envy,
I just don’t know why.
A comfortable lifestyle is easy to come by.
Stuffed bear by my side, he swallows my tears.
I’m from the moments I spend, hiding away.
I sympathize with Rosaline,
How was she to know?
Snubbing Romeo would be so disastrous.
Or Snow White, so close to death;
Yanked back by an uninvited kiss.

The End of The Beginning Is The Beginning of The Middle

And there is now a blog.
Yeahhh, I definitley needed this. I've been reading my best friend's blog for ages and I never figured to write my own.
I'm not sure why I've decided to write on here for the world to see.. I haven't had the best experience with journals (and thats pretty much what this is going to be).
But I guess I'm risking it.

I don't know how much of this blog is going to be about me.. a lot of my life is just about other people. So maybe this is my way of asking for advice, or help, or sympathy. I have no clue.

But yeah.. I guess I'm going to be trying this and we'll just have to see how it goes.