Let's Get Physical, Physical!

I went to the doctors today. As it turns out, I'm not pregnant. For now.

They actually said that. They tested my pee, and told me that from what they could tell, I wasn't pregnant, but that they couldn't be sure until the 5th week. Whatever, it's good enough for me. The trip to and at the doctors was.. interesting. It was like a little mini adventure. I was crazy nervous on my way there, and was walking my roommate to the office too (she's got a cold). So we get there and have to part ways, as they send me to Dr. S. Waiting outside the doctor's door, I think how weird it is going to the doctors on my own for the first time. Well, maybe not first, but like, second. But yeah, he calls me in and starts asking all these questions. Do you smoke? Drugs? Alcohol? How many sexual partners? How long have you been with your current partner? What's your family's history of illness? Etc.

That went on for a while, then he told me about the risks of birth control, and how there was a risk, but it was less than the risk of dying from pregnancy. -Weird-. He finally told me that I'd need to get a physical before he can give me the pills. Fuck. I've never had a full physical. I am fucking scared. Ugh. Just, ughhhh. It's gonna be so weird. AND it's scheduled for 9 in the morning before my final English class. Ewww.

*Sigh* Luckily, blondie's been supporting me, she came with me to make my first appointment, and met up with me after my testing. But I still can't help but freak out. Whatever, at least I'm not pregnant.

For now.

I don't think I've got much else to say. Uhm.

No, I shouldn't anyways, I've got an assignment to do and I keep putting it off. Lol, like last night, I was sitting around trying to do it and ended up watching "Meet the Robinsons" (a super cute disney movie. At least I think it's disney). Kay, see, no, time to go.

Bai!

Fuck You

You really need to grow up. Not everything is about you, people aren't always doing things specifically to hurt you. My actions here have nothing to do with you. Call it selfish, but I need that comfort, I need some one to want to be with me. So hate me for it if you will, but our relationship wasn't a joke. You mattered to me. You want sex? Fine, come up and visit. I'll fuck you too.

I'm sure that will "validate" our relationship.

You're such a dick.

I can't believe how much I cared about you.

The Dairymaids Office

some people sit around- pretending

some people know they know- the truth

some people might even say- they're flying

some people think it's all, bad news.

but when you're sick and tired- of waiting

just look to the sky- for proof

the weather is just about- a changing,

something new, is blowing in

the streets aligned with little people- waiting

for what, they know- not

unless

they're one of the few

who know- they knew

the truth

Madness May Meet Medieval Magic

Tee hee, alliteration truly does float my boat. It gets me off, you know?

Lol, I'm in a really good mood and I don't know why. Well, I suppose I do know why, but there are multiple reasons for it. Basically, ginger came to visit, and we spent Saturday night together, reminiscing a bit, getting really drunk, talking, etc. Then my floor mate offered us weed and we're like, sure, why not? And got fucked (thankfully not literally, I've been doing that too much) out of our minds, and visited her friend who goes to Laurier, but he and his friends were really stupid (due to bad intoxication) and I wasn't pleased. I dragged her away from it with mutters of "I don't like this" and we finally left them. Got back to my residence, talked with people, played smash brothers (?[the video game thing]), and came back to my room, where we attempted to watch Scott Pilgrim vs. the World, but we weren't sober enough to enjoy it and so instead fell asleep. Hahah, it was fun. Oh, and she found out about my blog. Cause it's in my favorites bar, and she was on the laptop and saw it and was all like "When'd you start blogging? I can't believe you never told me!"... I didn't mean to hide it from her, I just didn't think she'd be interested, you know?

Oh well.

Uhm, right, I was saying why I'm in such a good mood. So, right, there was her visiting, there was blondie giving everyone copies of the pictures she's printed off, she gave him a picture of me, him and crippled ginger in this cute hug thingy, even better? He's already put the picture up on his wall. *Sigh* Anndddd, he bought this sweater because I told him it looked good on him! Oh gosh, I am actually the most pathetic person I know. I don't even feel like being all happy now.

But I will continue listing all the reasons I was in a good mood. So there were those two, and then the fact that blondie gave me awesome pictures of all of us for me to put up on my floor, including a matching one of his :P and this great one of me and her, and the floor meeting, which made me happy too. We all gathered around and discussed important issues

Ooh, before I forget, last night, theres one specific detail that entertained me to no end. When we were going into my residence building, there was this group of guys outside the door asking for condoms. As we pass, the first ask ginger, and shes sympathetically says no. They look at me, about to ask and I wave it off, telling them not to even bother asking. As soon as I say this, they all burst out laughing, and joking to each other that it must mean "she doesn't get railed a lot, eh?!".

First of all, I can quite frankly guarantee that, considering their appearances and personalities, I have had more condom-requiring situations than they have.
Second of all, what moron actually thinks that a girl would be insulted by a comment like that? Do they really think that a comment like that will get them what they want? I mean, really?

Meh, back to the floor meeting. We were talking about important issues like secret Santa (which had to be called "secret holiday gift giving" to make it politically correct), chipping in for a "holiday" gift for our floor mom, and the quiet hour schedule for exam month. Oh shit, exams are coming up soon. Fuck.

Should probably start studying for those, huh?

Let There Be Snow

the ground is white

the trees are bare

the wind is blowing

everywhere

people scuttle

back and forth

no one stops

to watch the snow

the birds have flown

the warmth has gone

and yet the earth

has still to set

a final temperature

for us to feel

as winter floats

among our fields

the flowers hide

the breezes blow

but breezes not

are what we feel

footsteps mark

the canvas bare

for our marks to make

on paper fair

as white as snow

for snow is what

the skies have poured

onto our streets

and schools

and roads

people scuttle

back and forth

but no one

stops

to watch

the snow

Meh, not my best work, but I was inspired. Winter has finally come, and this time we know it's for sure, theres snow everywhere. It's absolutely beautiful. I went out for a smoke in the snow, and these guys come out. One of them walks up to me, and offers me a chip from his bag of Doritos. We laugh and talk for a minute, and then he rushes off to catch up with his friends. I enjoyed it, I felt special. Noticed, you know?

Gingers coming to visit tomorrow, we're gonna have some fun times. I haven't seen her in far too long. I miss her, but I'm a little bit scared that he is going to think she's prettier than me (she is), cooler than me (she is), or smarter than me (she isn't). I guess I know this is stupid, but I can't help it, I can't forget that every time we go out together, she is the focus of every one's attention. After all, who doesn't find a redhead more interesting than the rest of us common folk.

I'm scared I'm pregnant. I think I said this in my last post, but I can't shake the feeling. Planning on going to the doctors on Monday to get onto the pill.

Erm, what else? Uhmmmm. Two guys just ran past my window without shirts on. It's 2;30 in the AM and it's freezing cold outside. WEIRD.

Then again, that is university life for you.

Kay, well, due to the fact that I know not what else to say, and because I've offered my room to blondie and her boyfriend (there are drunkards past out in her bed) I shall ends this here and attempt to write more (for I'm sure I'm forgetting to mention stuff now) at a later date.

Goodnight all.

Not Fond of Homophobes

I had some really weird sex last night. My friend called me at 10 last night saying there was a party and free drinks, so me and this guy figured we'd check it out. It was basically a sex party; a bunch of black people grinding, and making out, me and my friend the only non-blacks there. I got right into it, grabbed a drink and started dancing, but I guess my friend felt weird, he left pretty soon. Granted, I did dance with him, then switch to making out with this other guy in front of him, but, I mean, it's not like he was desperate to be with me. I mean, right? Think I might be wrong though, I have a feeling he's got a crush on me. At least a teeny tiny one. Anywho, this one guy, an albino, comes and starts grinding with me, making out, fingering me, etc. I ask him if he'd be interested in a threesome with another guy. He says no, but I convince him by offering "the greatest blowjob you've ever had" if he agrees. Oh God, I was drunk.

Uhm, right, so me and him go to his room, I blow him, and he leaves to find a condom. When he comes back theres this other guy with him. I was kinda surprised, wasn't expecting this to actually happen. But yeah, they're both there, stripping down and putting on condoms. Albino boy was a bit of a dick to me, he was really into the whole "if I insult her, it'll be sexy" thing, got tired of that pretty soon; but the other guy, it was weird, I almost thought I had feelings for him.

I need to explain this now. Basically, the reason the sex was so weird, despite the fact that it was a threesome with two incredibly tall black men (well, one black man, and one black albino man) was because the three of us were talking through the entire thing. We got into these really deep discussions about people, and ourselves, and life, and just everything. The black guy really seemed to know what I was talking about, albino was way more focused on the sex, like, he just kept trying to shut me up during our discussion. Sometimes. Other times he'd really get into it too. But right, the black guy. Uhm, yeah, so we'd keep talking and I explained.. myself, to him. And he understood! He genuinely seemed to understand me. I told him about my suicide attempt, my parents, my shrink, my friends, just, everything. And he told me about his life too, his friends, his family, the divorce, his siblings, his home, everything.

We spent the night cuddled in each others arms, and were practically convinced that we were in love, except that I'd explained to him my views on love as well, so it wasn't really love. We were just really into each other, and it made sense.

I'm a little bit concerned though, I mean, we had sex a number of times last night, and despite my constant reminders that they wear condoms, I don't think they were each time. Granted, I also don't think they came in me, but still, it's disconcerting. I hope that's the right word. I'm really tired. I didn't get much sleep and I don't want to sleep now. I'm determined to get my sleep pattern in check.

Oh right, I should probably discuss this as well. I hate guys. They make it so impossible to get over them. Earlier yesterday, I had convinced myself that I would waste no more time trying to get him to notice me, or find interest in me. And it was working. I stopped obsessing over him for at least half a day. But then we decided to go play pool, and he had to change into his formal attire (the guys on my floor have a theme for almost everyday, yesterday was Tie Saturday). As soon as he was dressed and ready to go, he walked out his door, pressed up against me, put his hand on my neck, fingers in my hair, and said "hey sexy". Just to show off his formal wear. He was all like, in his mock black voice, "Damn, you know girls love that". I had to laugh it off and swat him away, but I still can't forget the feeling of his hand on my neck. That dirty son of a bitch.

I think this is the last thing I need to write, then I think I'll watch Benny and Joon (great movie). Right, so me and blondie decided to prank the crippled ginger. There was a shopping cart in the hallway yesterday and we thought it'd be funny to put it in his room, take everything off his bed and shove it in the cart. So we did. He retaliated. Brought the cart to her room, locked a chair to it, and put it on her bed. Stupid strong boys -_-. So now we need to get back at him, but I don't know if I can or not because he'd taken my laptop, but then told me where it was. Does that void his taking it? I dunno, I suppose, but not really. I guess I'll just be an accomplice to blondie.

It's About Time To Throw In The Towel

Last one for tonight, I swear.

As per usual, I'm in his room right now. With his roommate. He's doing laundry, so I'm just working on his bed. His roommate turns to me and says "You know what would be cute?".

"No, what?"

"Him and her (this girl on our floor)"

-Silence-

"What don't you think so?"

"Uhm, yeah, sure, I suppose." -Silence-

"I'm kinda sad you don't agree with me."

"Really? How have you not noticed that I have a huge crush on him?"

"Oh. I don't think he notices you."

"Yeah, I know."

I had to leave the room to cry a little bit into the ottawaian's arms, but only after begging the roommate not to say anything to him. I'm pretty sure he will though. Fuck my life.

I just feel so stupid at this point in time.

I Don't HATE Chemistry

That's a lie, I do hate it, that's why I'm not taking it.

Just thought I'd mention this, I don't like feet. I think they look weird and creepy.

Yeah.

I Want To Sing, To You, My Love

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Dreams Are Rude

coin operated boy
sitting on the shelf he is just a toy
but i turn him on and he comes to life
automatic joy
that is why i want a coin operated boy

made of plastic and elastic
he is rugged and long-lasting
who could ever ever ask for more
love without complications galore
many shapes and weights to choose from
i will never leave my bedroom
i will never cry at night again
wrap my arms around him and pretend....

coin operated boy
all the other real ones that i destroy
cannot hold a candle to my new boy and i'll
never let him go and i'll never be alone
not with my coin operated boy......

this bridge was written to make you feel smittener
with my sad picture of girl getting bitterer
can you extract me from my plastic fantasy
i didnt think so but im still convinceable
will you persist even after i bet you
a billion dollars that i'll never love you
will you persist even after i kiss you
goodbye for the last time
will you keep on trying to prove it?
i'm dying to lose it...
i want it
i want you
i want a coin operated boy.

and if i had a star to wish on
for my life i cant imagine
any flesh and blood could be his match
i can even take him in the bath

coin operated boy
he may not be real experienced with girls
but i know he feels like a boy should feel
isnt that the point that is why i want a
coin operated boy
with his pretty coin operated voice
saying that he loves me that hes thinking of me
straight and to the point
that is why i want
a coin operated boy.

In case you're unaware, this IS NOT mine, it's the lyrics to one of the greatest songs ever, by The Dresden Dolls.

Costume Makes The Clown?

Kinda funny, the costume thing. This guy I know regularly looks.. regular, but as soon as he's in his "gaming clothes", (which happen to be no more then a random junk t-shirt and jeans) he just looks the part of the nerd he is being. Or is, rather. He's a huge nerd.

Anywho. I went home this weekend. Saw the family, made 250 in belated birthday monies, and got to chill avec mes amies for a bit. Was cool. Felt bad cause when I got back home (here home.. at school) my friend called me and bitched at me a bit for not visiting him. Which I felt bad for, but in my defense, I barely got to see anyone seeing as I only had half of Sunday for visiting. (Parents/family took up Friday and Saturday) Uhm uhm uhm. Don't know what else needs to be said. It's kinda upsetting how frequent this state happens to occur. I just, I dunno. It's like my smoking, now that I'm free to smoke/blog as I please, I do it less. I guess the blogging thing is a bit different, it's just that now that I have this freedom and these people to talk to about my life/problems, I don't really need to vent about them. Don't get me wrong, I still love writing and emptying myself fully and wholly into this blog, but I feel like my posts have been lacking depth. I don't remember the last "true to my feelings" "honest to my heart" blog post I wrote. I wonder if I've ever really written one of those. Hrm.

Ooh, completely irrelevant, (and kinda contradictory) I forgot to mention my bus ride with "that guy". That guy, of course, being the one I've become exasperated with as time progresses. Again, not fair to him, but it's not like he knows I'm getting frustrated with him, so meh. I JUST WISH HE'D NOTICE. *sigh*

Thing is, he'll make these comments and make it sound like he's interested. But then... Nothing. Par examplle, I asked him what kind of girl he was attracted to and in response he started describing me: short girls, with short dark brownish black hair, Persian, etc.

COMPLETELY DIFFERENT NOTE: I think that's the first time I've mentioned my ethnicity on this blog. WEIRD. To anyone reading this, please don't hold it against me. I, personally, am not particularly fond of Persians and do not enjoy being one. For the most part. I don't mind the language... or the dancing. Oh yeah, Persians like to dance. It's AWESOME. I absolutely adore going to legit Persian parties, with the loud, happy music and the energetic, flirty dancing. LOVE IT.

Right, what was I saying. Uhm, oh. Yeah, the comments.

Meh, you know what? I don't care.

That's such a lie.

I wish he'd notice me.

"Oh my gosh, you guys! He just, like, totally makes me all mushy inside! I just wish he'd like, notice me, you know? Like, I'm pretty, right? Like, I'm not, like, ugly, right? *sad face* He just, like, I don't know, he, like, totally needs to make up his mind. Or, like, get a clue."

-To be said in false, preteen girly accent in mockery of my utter patheticness.

By the way, I'd just like to mention that I did not degrade myself while with the blonde ottawaian's brother. I only had sex with him, and did not preform any other sexual acts with or for him.

My mum offered to let me see the shrink again. She ever so sweetly whispered it into my ear as I was innocently sitting on the couch reading "Comedy of Errors" for drama. Do I look like I need to return to the shrink? I AM NO LONGER INSANE.

Again, such a lie.

Plus, I kinda miss my shrink. Which, I might add, I constantly feel stupid for. Especially when I think of why it is I miss her: the reason being that she appeared to care about my issues; something any sane person would understand to be false. A shrink listening to your problems and commenting on them is not the equivalent to a friend that cares about you. The shrink is getting paid to care. There is no "friendship".

I miss her.

Don't know why I put air quotes on the term friendship.

I think I'm just tired. I wish I'd stop talking about myself. Or using the word "I". Or pronoun, rather.

Due to the fact that I've resorted to rambling, this blog post will end..

now.

In Do Do Dubitably

Guess what?

No, don't bother, I'm about to tell you, because this is just so epic that it must be told, not guessed.

I

Just

Wrote

A

THREE THOUSAND

Word

Essay

...

Holy

Fuck

I'm so incredibly proud of myself. I'd prize myself with sleep, but now I need to study for a test I have tomorrow. Just in case any highschoolers are reading this, DO NOT, EVER, COMPLAIN ABOUT TOO MUCH WORK IN HIGH SCHOOL.

I remember when I'd complain about a single assignment I had due that week: I feel stupid for that now. I'd willingly give... a piece of my hair.. in order to be back in that situation. Yeah, I don't think I'd give up a limb for it. BUT STILL. My point has been made.

ANYWHO. This is breaktime, so no thinking about negative shit like tests or essays. Or the fact that I might fail out of Latin.

SHUT UP.

Uhm, yeah, slowly drinking my Monster right now, waiting for it to take affect. This is probably going to be another all nighter. FML.

Right, positive thinking.

Uhm. Erm. Ugh.

My Camels (smokes) came in today, that was pretty exciting. I don't know why I never thought of ordering smokes online before. It's a shit load cheaper, and they don't ID. Brilliant.

What else?

Ooh!

Me, the Ottowaians and ginger cripple went out to the lake an hour ago, it was really pretty and we took incense with us and wine and Sourpuss and had a little celebratory party for the completion of my essay, which was fun. And, as per usual, I'm chilling in tall white boy and V's room, as they nerd out to video games in the dark. Fun stufff!!

Kay, I'm sorry, but I just don't get video games. What is the purpose behind pretending to be some random character while beating shit up, or trying to reach the goal or whatever it is the goal of that specific game happens to be. It's just pointless. Then again, I suppose alot of things are pointless, doesn't really change the fact that we enjoy wasting our time doing those things.

I need to stop arguing with myself, I'm wasting all my brain cells. Well, the few I haven't yet killed off with weed, cigs, and alcohol.

I hate blondie from Ottawa right now, rawr... she got the idea of me and D (one night stand guy) in my head and I just can't get it out. I don't know if it's just cause I was high or what, but he was just SO PERFECT. Yum.

No. Bad. Stop.

Shit, kay, this needs to end before I dwell on it for any longer. Time to start studying!!

Oh boy, this is going to be a long night.

We Are The Waterloo Warriors

The title, as is usually the case, is irrelevant. I was just noting the banner my friend's got up in his room.

I've been spending way too much time here. I can't help it, I just keep finding things I need to say; plus, I really don't want to write my essay. I have another 2000 words to write.

In regards to my essay, I'm finding I can almost relate to the character I'm analyzing. She's lonely and delusional. I often find myself in much the same boat. And she's an English teacher! Who'd have thunk it. Maybe this is like the story of my life. I'm going to be out of the latest trend forever, I'll spend my days teaching English, and reading to people at an old folks home, and then every Sunday I'll go people watching. Analyze and make up stories for the people I see. Then, one day, someone will do the same to me, and they'll be talking to their friend about the lame chick in the weird outfit who's always here by herself. And I'll feel like crap about myself and commit suicide while thinking that my clothes are crying for me.

Wow, that was way more depressing then I'd been planning on going with it. Uhm, on another note, I just went out for a smoke with salesman and he's absolutely fascinating. I'd love to just study him. Make that my life's goal: understand salesman's brain. He's great to talk to though, he'll listen to what you have to say and actually listen, and then give you actual feedback! He'll explain to you the idea he has about how men and women are actually different and how that relates to whatever it is you're talking about (that was just an example, we were talking about something that related to men and women/relationships/etc.)

Ugh, fucking engineers. I swear, how do these people have time to get drunk on a Tuesday night? Not fair -_-

I'm Having A Day From Hell

It wasn't going so well (before you came)

And you told me you needed space,

With a kiss on the side my face (not again)

And not to mention (the tears I shed)

But I should have kicked your (ass instead)

Don't know why that song is in my head, haven't heard it in a while, great song though. Speaking of songs, let me quickly get to the purpose of this post, because I don't have much time to waste tonight. Remember my rant about the roomie? It just got worse.

Having gone to bed at 5 AM last night, I was planning on sleeping nicely, waking up 10 minutes before class and then leaving. Want to know what happened instead? I was woken up, at 8 or 9 in the AM to the sound of a recording of her voice yelling at her to wake up. Fuck my life. Who does that?! Like, really? Would a normal alarm clock really be all that bad? I mean, I've got one too, it plays music. Most people can wake up to less vulgar things. A recording of her shrill voice, screeching incessantly to GET UPPP. WAKE UP M, IT'S TIME TO GO TO CLASS, WAKE UP M, GET UPPPPP. Just repeat that about 10 to 20 times and that's what woke me up this morning. And then, after I get up, I realize I've gotten a bit of a sore throat. Why? Because I didn't realize she'd left the window open. Again. Plus our room smelled like whatever Asian food it was she threw out a couple days ago.

*Sigh*. I swear, I'm not trying to be a bitch about this, it's just a lot to deal with. And it's just my luck too. Everyone else got a fairly normal roommate, why was I the odd one out? Whatever, I mean, so long as I can vent about it here, I'm sure I can deal with her for the rest of the year. Holy Fuck.

Kay, time to try this essay again.

Oh wait, one last thing. I may have to drop Latin. I talked to the professor today, and he said that I might be able to pass the course, but the final exam may screw me over (I'm paraphrasing), luckily the drop date has been mover to Nov 19th, meaning I can drop it without it having too negative an effect on my average. I hope. He said I should try and see if I can improve at all within the next week and depending on that we'll see if I drop or not. I'm quite certain I'll be dropping. I texted my mom about it and she was surprisingly good. She didn't yell at me or anything, just said that it was my decision, and that I should try and see what happens, worse comes to worst, I drop. I was genuinely and pleasantly surprised by her response. Had I still been living at home, I guarantee she would not have been so accommodating and we'd have ended up in one of our lovely arguments.

Alright, now that I've got all this off my chest, I can go back to writing my essay. I can do this! I believe in myself!

Wooot!

I Am Invincible

So apparently sleep is not gonna happen right now, because the guys whose room I'm in now saw the blog post I was writing and decided that they deserved an entire post dedicated to them. Here I go:

I am in the room of short asian man V, and crazy tall (handsome) white man (Jackass). I don't quite now what it is I'm supposed to say about them, they're pretty great. I love hanging out with them, despite the constant berating I get at their hands. There's a lot of comfortable chill times in here, we sit around doing homework, they occasionally join me out for a smoke, etc. They're sitting around talking about white boy's "torpedo dick" and how they're sure the second I see it, I'll fuck him. Yeah, these are the people I spend my time with.

As I did say, I'm fairly tired and thinking isn't working for me so much. (Pretty sure that's grammaticality incorrect). Wow, this is hard. (Lol, that's what she said).

INTERVIEW TIMEEE!

White Boy

Favorite Color: Transparent

Favorite Class: Math

Favorite Position: Reverse German Chestnut Oyster

Favorite Food: V

Favorite Roommate: Not V

Favorite Band: Radiohead

Sexual Orientation: Questionable

Bedtime: 4 in the AM

Short Asian Man (V):

Favorite Color:Red

Favorite Class: Biology

Favorite Position: Dirty Dutch Sanchez Superman Angry Pirate

(V likes it crazy, white boy beware)

Favorite Food: Pizzas

Favorite Roommate: Ottawaians

Favorite Band: Japanese Music

Sexual Orientation: Tree Cross Dresser/Necrophilic Cross Dresser

Bedtime: 10 PM (This is a Lie)

That's basically them in a nutshell ;)

Aren't they the most greatest of them all?

Procrastination Is The Equivalent of Blogging

I do not feel like writing my 3000 word English essay. Besides, it's not due till Wednesday. And I haven't written in here in a while. I missed you, dear friend. (Sorry, still kinda in the character of Miss Brill.. part of my essay). Honestly, I figured that if I just started writing, it would all just come to me. It's just not. I don't know what this character would think about, it's a fucking short story, we don't actually know anything about this character. WHAT THE FUCK.

Rawr.

Kay, anywho. While I'm here, might as well jot down my most recent (idiotic) exploits. To begin with, I slept with my friends brother. While he was visiting her for her birthday. Stupid. Actually, it wasn't so "pretty" as "slept with". It was more just.. fucked. Plus, afterwards, as I slowly sobered up, I met this guy D who I got to talking with. We decided to get high and watch Across The Universe, but ended up sleeping together instead. This time it was actually more.. romantic? And we, very cutely, walked to his room sneaking kisses and then undressing etc etc. And then the next night, I, once again, got fairly intoxicated, joined my friend in trying to convince this guy into a threesome with us. He was too drunk and actually turned us down, which was weird, but lead to my first actual lesbian experience.

Moving on, I had a little mini breakdown.. yesterday? I think, can't remember. I just started crying randomly because I'm getting tired of him not noticing me. Or not noticing that I've been hitting on him since... dunno when, actually. Been a little while now. Ugh. I suppose it's stupid for me to be mad at him for it, he hasn't actually done anything wrong, other than be oblivious. Whatever, maybe I'll just try to forget about it.

Key word there: try.

Uhm, what else?? Schools being a bitch, so much work to do, and I'm already freaking out about the exams we've got coming up. I'm kinda scared that I'm going to become part of the statistics of people who fail out of university in their first year. And I really don't want that to happen. I suddenly have this new life, and I don't know how I'd be able to give it up. It'd be next to impossible trying to get reused to living at home again. BLARG. Don't think like that. It's stupid, I can definitely get through university. I can live my own life.

But then I start thinking about it and wonder why. What exactly is the purpose of this? We spend a shit ton of money, time and effort into getting a university degree, and then spend a good chunk of our lives trying to pay off that debt.

Kay, really getting tired of this. I mean, he's even jokingly mentioned that I've got a crush on him, there's no way he doesn't know.

Granted, that could be/is probably just him mocking me, as many people tend to do, not sure why, think I'm just an easy target. Meh, doesn't bother me much, just annoyed that he can't see what's under his nose.

I know the girl I slept with (I don't have a nickname for her yet) is probably wrong, but I can't help thinking about what she'd said, that I'm the kind of girl to change for a guy. Maybe she's right? All I had said was that I need to stop dressing so sloppily, that I should put some effort in looking presentable. That's not really "changing" per say, right?

Lol, I'm so good at rambling about bullcrap here, but as soon as it's for my essay, nothing. Figures.

Looking at what I wrote so far, I'm kinda surprised, I didn't know I had this much to let out. Weird.

What elseeee? My ottowaian friends (shut up, I know how wrong that looks, I just don't care right now) are really great, I love having them around, they just help and I feel so comfortable talking to them. Everyone on our floor really, I know I said that I thought we might all just hate each other, but I've kinda started looking at us more as this weird huge family. Like all our homework parties are just family time, you know?

In regards to telling people everything, it appears I'm really good at it. I've been telling this guy everything, and I don't know why, it's so stupid, it's not like he's gonna suddenly be interested in me if he know's I'm a huge slut.

Is it bad that I refer to myself as a slut? I mean, I don't necessarily see it as a derogatory term, it's more of an observation. And in terms of observing, it's the closest fit. No?

Hmmmmm, rightt. Roommate. I swear, this girl is driving me up the wall. I know I was saying how I love her and all, and I do, I have to if I'm going to live with her, but she's just so... she never leaves the room, the windows always open (and it's fucking winter). WTF? She'll sit at her desk, all fucking day, wearing a fucking winter jacket, windows open, lights out, phone on. Non stop. Either the girl is on the phone talking to one of her friends about some stupid drama she thinks she's going through, something about a stalker she thinks she has, dunno exactly.

There was a shitload else I'd had written, but my internet sucks and refused to save what I'd had down. I'm pretty sure it was mainly the thing about the e-mail my ex sent me, about all the things he dislikes about me, or the way I behave, or something else along those lines, but having already typed that out once, I don't really have the strength in me to re-type it. Plus, I feel really bad cause I'm in my friend's room, cause I dislike mine, and I'm pretty sure he wants to sleep. Besides, I'm tired, so goodnight, and hopefully I'll get a chance to write more soontimes.