Is Everyone Here Make Believe

I can't believe we're ignoring each other. I mean, how juvenile is that?

Thinking I should probably warn ginger of this.

They Weren’t Kidding

When they said that the only guys worth dating are either taken or gay. So just as I turned off my laptop and was about to head out, I saw my friend sitting at the table and went to say hey to him. I already knew he was gay, so that was no big deal, but he was with this guy, and I didn’t recognize him at first, but then I remembered he was one of the guys I’d met in the classics lounge when I was taking Latin. He would help me with understanding it a couple times, and I remember how I’d thought he was pretty cool and how I wouldn’t mind dating a guy like him. When I saw them hanging out together I was a bit confused, figured they were just friends, so I asked how they’d met. The glow office. I swear, this is why there are so many lonely girls. THE GOOD GUYS ARE ALL GAY.

Fucker.

Soaked To The Skin

Apparently getting high in the middle of the week isn't the most brilliant idea. Haha, me and my friend got high in her room, through an apple pipe, no less. It was brilliant, I'd never tried the apple before. I totally redefined the term "lightweight", got crazy fucked off a single hit, and she was all like "wtf?", and I just laughed at her. As stated previously, chocolate oranges are the absolute greatest snack food when you're high. They're incredible.

Anywho, yeah, it was fun, but I passed out in the lounge while trying to watch Across the Universe (which, by the way, is a huge fucking trip, but more on that in a sec), and woke up 20 minutes before my class started. Luckily, I made it only 15 minutes late, so it wasn't tooo bad, but I wasn't exactly in the right state of mind for class work or lectures.

Right, so Across the Universe, great movie. Huge trip. The whole thing, even the parts where there are like, normal, scenes. Like, at the beginning, when it's singing Helter Skelter, Lucy's hair IS the water, and all this crazy shit is going on. I don't know how to explain it, it just is. I wish I'd been able to stay up through the whole movie, I'd have loved to see the swimming scene. And the circus scene. AND the Dear Prudence scene :P.

Have you ever realized what that song actually means? "Dear Prudence"? Lol, "Won't you come out to play?". It's pretty funny. If you don't get it, go look up the word "prude".

Bleh, I'm really not in the mood to go to class tonight. A 3 hour lecture on peace and conflict, from the least enthusiastic of all my profs this semester. Ach. Not looking forward to it.

What else? I feel like I need to write a ton cause I've been really lame in my posts lately. I dunno, there's the Masquerave this friday, I'm gonna borrow something to wear from my friend, and as mentioned before, Ginger will be visiting, pretty excited for that too.

Ooh, I met these two guys from my film class today. They were pretty cool, out for a smoke after class and I bummed one off one of them, and that lead to us going for food at Timmie's until our next class started. We sat around and talked and got to know each other a little bit. They were pretty cool. One was a fourth year film student, and I don't know much about the other one, but he looks kinda old, like, older than some of the profs, but apparently he's in film too. They were fun to talk with. Plus, they'll be able to help me with the film analysis stuff we have to do because they're film majors (yayy!)

Hrm, philosophy paper due tomorrow, luckily I've pretty much finished it, I'm probably going to edit and change a couple things, but it'll take all of like, a half hour. If even. I mean, writing the paper itself took an hour, I don't think editing will take much time or effort, at all. I really want my smokes to come in. I ordered Marlbros(sp?) this time, can't wait!

Yeah, I think that's about it. I keep scanning my brain, but there's really nothing else to write. Nothing of interest at any rate. Kinda sucks, cause I'm trying to catch up with anything, I don't like that this is all that's going on right now. Pooh.

Waaiitt a second, I made a friend. I forgot about her. I didn't like her much when I met her, but she's in my English class and we're in the same group, and she's turned out to be pretty cool. I think she's taken to me the most out of the group, which would explain why she randomly invited me to her birthday thing (she didn't invite anyone else from the group, and we were all sitting together. It was funneh), unfortunately, I'm unable to attend due to the fact that I'm not yet of age to go to a bar, which is where it was to be held. I instead told her about the Masquerave and suggested she check that out, and maybe join our little group. She seemed pretty interested, so maybe she will join us after all.

Kay, I need to get to class now, so I'll end this here.

Nothing To Loose

Do you remember,

that time on the bus-we were

sitting together,

just you and me.

Do you remember

we were sitting together,

laughing and happy,

so carefree.

Do you remember,

we were sober together,

nothing could touch us,

light and free.

I wish I'd remembered,

to leave it-

that way

But do you remember,

back in the day?

We weren't together,

we weren't together

we were (sitting) together.

Friends forever,

just you and me.

This one is kinda Regina Spektor influenced, I like how it was going up to the "back in the day" verse, not sure how I feel about the last two parts.

Meh.

Hello Lonely

You know what?

This is stupid. Why should I give up something so dear to me, something I like doing, something I hope to look back at fondly when I'm older, because of some idiot's dissatisfaction? Exactly, I shouldn't. And no, this isn't because I'm desperate for attention, or because I want people to know about my life, though, I do enjoy when friendly strangers stumble upon my safehaven and leave little thoughts or bits of advice. It's plainly and simply because I like writing. And I like writing somewhere I can access from anywhere.

Yeah, sure, if you're reading this V, go ahead and till him, I know I would. I would totally tell one of my friends if I somehow found out that one of my other friends was struggling with feelings for the other friend. I mean, isn't that what friends are for? For screwing each other over? Sure, this is bitchy, but guess what? It's my space to be bitchy. It's where I'm allowed to bitch about people, about places, about things. It's my space to be creative, to be happy, to be calm, to be whatever the fuck I want to be. Yes, I am over what happened, I'm kinda confused as to why I was actually mad to begin with, but that's irrelevant. It appears I've completely destroyed the friendship I had with both of them, and to be honest, I don't really care right now. Like, sure, I wish we could go back to being the friends we were before, but I guess we weren't really real friends. If that makes any sense? I mean, if our "friendship" could turn to ignoring each other in the halls, can you really say we were friends? And to think, it only took a week to fall apart completely. Kinda depressing. I wish I could say "I have enough friends, I won't miss you two" but I feel like that would be a lie. Like, is it even possible for a person to have "too many" friends? Doubtful.

At any rate, I've decided I am going to keep on writing. I guess I just need to be more careful. Whatever.

Still Not Writing

But I wanted to post this poem from a book I've read about a hundred times.

It's both a great poem, and a brilliant book. Books called "The Perks of Being a Wallflower".

Once on a yellow piece of paper with green lines

he wrote a poem

And he called it "Chops"

because that was the name of his dog

And that's what it was about

And his teacher gave him an A

and a gold star

And his mother hung it on the kitchen door

and read it to his aunts

That was the year Father Tracy

took all the kids to the zoo

And he let them sing on the bus

And his little sister was born

with tiny toenails and no hair

And his mother and father kissed a lot

And the girl around the corner sent him a

Valentine signed with a row of X's

and he had to ask his father what the X's meant

And his father always tucked him in bed at night

And was always there to do it

Once on a piece of white paper with blue lines

he wrote a poem

And he called it "Autumn"

because that was the name of the season

And that's what it was all about

And his teacher gave him an A

and asked him to write more clearly

And his mother never hung it on the kitchen door

because of its new paint

And the kids told him

that Father Tracy smoked cigars

And left butts on the pews

And sometimes they would burn holes

That was the year his sister got glasses

with thick lenses and black frames

And the girl around the corner laughed

when he asked her to go see Santa Claus

And the kids told him why

his mother and father kissed a lot

And his father never tucked him in bed at night

And his father got mad

when he cried for him to do it.

Once on a paper torn from his notebook

he wrote a poem

And he called it "Innocence: A Question"

because that was the question about his girl

And that's what it was all about

And his professor gave him an A

and a strange steady look

And his mother never hung it on the kitchen door

because he never showed her

That was the year Father Tracy died

And he forgot how the end

of the Apostle's Creed went

And he caught his sister

making out on the back porch

And his mother and father never kissed

or even talked

And the girl around the corner

wore too much make up

That made him cough when he kissed her

but he kissed her anyway

because that was the thing to do

And at three A.M. he tucked himself into bed

his father snoring loudly

That's why on the back of a brown paper bag

he tried another poem

And he called it "Absolutely Nothing"

Because that's what it was really all about

And he gave himself an A

and a slash on each damned wrist

And he hung it on the bathroom door

because this time he didn't think

he could reach the kitchen

You Know...

I hadn't really considered suicide again since first I'd tried it. Last night was different. For the first time since last February, I desperately wanted out. I was honestly sick and tired of, well, everything. I thought I had friends here. I thought some of them cared about me.

I feel like that may not necessarily be fact.

Before I continue, I feel I should state that this may be my last post for a little while. I'll explain why momentarily, I just feel I should give just notice.

Last night was one of the floor parties. We were all having a good, time, started out with some beer pong, and me and my partner were actually doing well! But yeah, everyone got fairly intoxicated during beer pong, and then we decided to go to the other girl's room for a dance party. Just loud music and everyone dancing. Fun times. I don't remember all the details, but I know that at some point later in the night, I was in the guys hallway for a bit, talking with a group of people, and decided to go check on him because he had disappeared for a while and I wanted to see if he was alright. My fucking mistake. He was practically passed out on his bed and started telling me not to seduce him. He told me how his roommate had been keeping up with my blog and telling him all the shit I write on here. I was pissed. I was this close to slapping him right then and there, as he lay on his bed, but I just walked out. Fucker. I headed out looking for his roommate, V, and finally found him getting high with Asthma and some other folks. I outright snapped at him. "You've been reading my blog? You've been showing him what I write?!"

"Yeah, we're roommates, duh."

(By the way, to anyone who's reading this and was there, I apologize if I'm misquoting, I'm trying to get all the important details in without writing everything out word for word.)

(I don't like that I've been reduced to using disclaimers in my writings in order to prevent other people from getting mad at me. Wtf.)

Uhm, were was I? Oh, right, V.

Yeah, I was mad at him, but he said we'd talk about it later, so I got high.

After that, I think I went and cried to the Ottawaian asian for a good little while (I cried ALOT last night) and we figured we should go get foods. Guess who was there when we got there?

Everybody. Him included. Ugh. I did not want to deal with him. I didn't even want to look at him. I asked if we could leave soon after we'd gotten our foods, and luckily, one of the guys was on his way over to another party. I asked him to take me with him. It was good, a bunch of drunk people making no coherent sense, one chick pretending to be british because she met some brit at the party, one guy who kept taking off his shirt to read what was written on it, one chick crying in the corner for no known reason, and a bunch of other randoms. We didn't stay there long, and when we got back the Ottowaian asian had me talk to V. I didn't have anything to say to him. I was tired. I was tired of dealing with people, I was tired of dealing with the drama of my life, I was tired of everything. So I kinda just sat there and smiled. He didn't look like he really wanted to talk either, so I told him he could leave if he wanted. I think he felt I'd take it the wrong way if he left. So he stayed for a bit and tried to comfort me by telling me I'd find the right person. That I'd find someone who liked me for me. For some reason, I think this made me feel worse about my situation than I did before the talk, but I just kept sitting there, smiling. Or, at least, I think it was a smile. I was trying to smile. It may just have been because this guy, this guy I considered a friend, was trying to make me feel better by quoting my blog to me. By quoting my diary to me.

Alot of people have been giving me shit about keeping an online diary. Maybe if everyone who's not supposed to read it would just stop, this wouldn't be a fucking problem. For those of you who don't know, I was forced to turn my diary to the internet, because my parents kept finding mine when I kept it in a book, and I'd get beat up, alot, when they read shit they didn't like. (Price, you once asked why I flinched each time you went to pretend slap me. That's why.) So excuse me. I'm sorry if this too, is no longer an available option to me. I just want something that's my own. I don't care if you read this because it fascinates you. If my life is just something you're interested in. But when it turns from interest to "let's use this shit against her", that's a whole other fucking story.

I guess this is goodbye for a little while. Unless I can figure out how to change the address. Or how to assassinate a couple pests.

Quiz!

So, I found this random quiz thingy on facebook, and I was bored, and here is the byproduct.

Are you ready for some questions that you barely find in other surveys?

Urm, sure?

You're locked in a room with the person you last kissed, any problems?

I hope not, we talked it over and I'm hoping it's all good now.

Have you ever kissed anyone who's name starts with J, M, C or L?

J: yes, L: yes, M: yes, & C: probably

Are you currently reading a book?

Trying to, do textbooks count?

What is your current annoyance?

Essays.

Say something to the person you like?

Please jump off a bridge :)

Are you someone who worries too often?

Sometimes, depends on my mood, really.

Would you ever take someone back after they cheated on you?

Doubtful.

Have you ever liked someone who all your friends hated?

Yupp.

Do you have any siblings?

Little sister.

What did you do last night?

Watched a movie, tried to do work stuffs etc.

Have you kissed anyone on the lips in the last 48 hours?

No, but chances are that'll change in another 48 hours.

Does it matter if your bf/gf smokes?

Not in the slightest :)

Do you know anyone who drinks a lot?

Better question: Do I know anyone who doesn’t drink a lot?

Could you go out in public, looking like you do now?

Why not? Sweats are comfy :D

What color are your eyes?

Hazel?

Who is the last male you talked to through a text?

My FB

Female?

Blondie

Do you remember your dreams?

Sometimes, I wish I could remember all of them though.

Does anyone think you are a bitch?

Probably. Most likely.

Did you wake up before 8am this morning?

LAWL.

Did you speak to your father today?

Nope.

Do you miss your past?

Ehhh, not really.

Have you ever skipped school?

LAWL.

Do you get mad easily?

Mostly when I’m around family, around other people, I’m generally more easygoing.

Have you ever been around someone who was high?

Yeah, it’s funneh.

Top 3 Hottest Celebrities?

Johnny Depp.

Last thing you purchased?

Food? Breakfast.

Stuff? Thongs.

What was your last bruise from?

Hahahahahha, sex on the bathroom floor.

What color is your hair?

Currently black.

Has anybody ever told you that you have pretty eyes?

Repeatedly.

Has the last person you texted ever been mad at you before?

More than likely.

Have you ever searched for your own house on Google Earth?

Countless times, I look to see if the picture changes :P

Who is the ugliest person that you know?

I don’t think I know any truly ugly people.

Do any of your top friends have a tongue ring?

Yesh.

Do any of your top friends have a nose ring?

Yesh.

When will be the next time you text someone?

Dunno, when I need to talk to someone?

How much money did you spend today?

20ish?

What will you be doing tomorrow?

Partying, drinking, partying, playing beer pong, having a "girl's night" etc.

Have you ever cried while in the shower?

Often.

Is your best friend a slut?

Sometimes.

Do you know anyone with the same name as you?

I don’t know them personally, but I heard rumors of their existence.

What was the first thing you did this morning?

Woke up.

What are you looking forward to right now?

January 28th: MASQUERAVE!!!

Do you miss someone?

Plenty of people. Namely the great townspeople of Richmond Hill.

If you could go back in time and change something, would you?

I’d hide my shit better and avoid getting caught by my parents.

Today did you hug a person you have feelings for?

I have feelings for them as friends?

Have you ever ran away?

Yeah, it was a great experience.

Truth or dare always turns sexual, doesn't it?

That’s basically the reason it’s played.

Do you like being single?

Only when I’m in a relationship.

Do you want any children?

Not particularly, no.

Would you ever get your nipples pierced?

Possibly.

Have you ever been asked out?

Yesh.

Where was your default picture taken?

At a party.

Is there anyone who you can talk to for a long time and not get bored?

Yup, we do it often.

What color shirt are you wearing?

Dark blue (dark blue, have you ever been alone in a crowded room?)

Do you make up nicknames for people?

Not often, but it’s been done.

If you must be an animal for one day, what would you be?

A birdy. A pretty birdy. A pretty birdy who could fly.

Something you do a lot?

Sleep? Dream? Breathe?

What’s your favourite type of food?

Yummy food :)

When was the last time you cried?

Last night.

How many people do you talk to that you dont see often?

A fair number, I still talk to a bunch of RH friends.

What's the first thing you notice about the opposite/same sex?

Their eyes, and if I like talking with them.

Holding On

I don't understand this. I have heard, from numerous guys, that I am hot. That I'm awesome to be around. That I'm smart. That I'm sexy, fun, etc. If I'm all these marvelous things, why do I always end up alone? By myself? Without someone who wants to be with me for me?

Yes, I do realize that I have been hooked on this topic for a while now, but fuck off. I don't care. I'm stuck on this topic because I want to be stuck on this topic, and because I'm surrounded by guys who keep reminding me of this topic. Like my good ol' fuck buddy. Remember him? Well, I just got off skype with him, and he's doing well. He's worried about his girlfriend because she's been sick for a while. Yepp. He's doing well though. And he's still reminding me of how I awesome I am. Oh yeah, I'm so awesome that all I am to you is still just a friend with benefits. And only when we aren't dating other people. Well, only when he isn't dating other people. No, that's a lie, I've put the fb thing on hold before due to relationships too, but still. But still, he tells me how (and this is a direct quote) "you're fucking hot". Yep.

Fucking hot.

That's me. The lonely smothering hot chick.

On another note, Gingers coming to visit next weekend, I'm pretty excited for that. We're going to a "Masquerave". It's going to be my first time at a club.

I think I know why he's not into me. My fb, that is. I think it's cause we keep telling each other everything. He knows everything about me. Like the times my parents hit me, how much I hated going to the shrink, how I had tried to kill myself, how I hated my body. Everything. Well, everything negative, according to that list, but I'm in a pessimistic mood, so theres no such thing as good news. SHUT UP. IT MAKES SENSE IN MY HEAD. Point is, he may not be attracted to me because he knows how much emotional baggage I come with.

Honestly, I don't even care if that's not the real reason, I'm just going to pretend it is because he's a really great guy and I'd be lucky to end up with someone like him. So, I need a reason as to why I can't be with the real him. And because I know he's not interested in me in that way, I have to make up a "real" reason.

Got it?

Wow, that was almost as intense as Descartes' reasoning, the whole "God exists through this logic"

Again, that made sense in my head. STOP JUDGING ME.

I'm gonna.. uh, go.. now.. cause, well, as you can see, I'm a teeny tiny bit upset. But it's no big deal, because, remember: [I'm] fucking hot. UGH.

I swear, I'm not always an emotional wreck. And I'm most definitely not always this needy. It might just be the birth control pills. Or maybe I'm close to my period. Or some other bullcrap excuse women make whenever they get too "touchy feely".

Kay. Leaving now.

Never Wanted It To Be Like This

I don't feel like writing. I've just been in the crappiest mood ever since this past weekend, and I haven't been able to be productive in anything, and then I start thinking about life, and how a fucking degree in Arts isn't going to do jack shit for me in the "real world" because everyone wants computer skills and shit like that, which I have none of. Honestly, technology scares me a little bit. Point is, I feel like my life is completely pointless right now. I mean, I keep going on about this guy and that guy, and that one girl, and the time I got really drunk, and if that's all my life is... well, how pathetic is that? Ugh, I don't know, I'm going to try to take "useful" courses next term, like speech com., and French, and maybe a psych course, or some intro to comp. sci thing. Dunno. Just... stuff I could put on a resume.

I sooo need a job.

A boyfriend would be nice too.

Sorry, I realize that last comment totally voids the above rant, but I can't help it. I mean, just now, me and four friends were watching a movie. Guess what? I was the one single out of the four. They're each dating each other. After the movie, I was sitting on one of the chairs as one couple is snuggled up on the couch whispering things to each other, and the other couple is sitting on each other's laps, wrapped up in a little blanket. What the fuck? Like, yeah, I'm happy for them, (well, except for Blondie, I can't help it, I really don't like her boyfriend. But I guess I'm happy that she's happy?) I just wish I wasn't the odd one out. At least, part of me feels this way. The other part of me just wants the entire male species to be obliterated.

Can We Pretend?

I did something really stupid today. Well, I actually did a number of stupid things today, but one really stupid thing. Oh god. Uhm, kay, well as I wrote last night, we did the beer pong tournament today, starting at 12 in the afternoon. It went on till about 7, but we kept on drinking till like, I don’t even know when. So one of the beer pong rules was “Shut out, butt out” which means that if while you’re playing, you don’t sink anything, you have to go streaking. Guess what? Me and my teammate didn’t sink ANYTHING first game. Guess what that means? Yup, we had to go streaking. So we convinced everyone to let us wait till we were more drunk and finally at about 5 we were forced to do it. My teammate was really self-conscious and refused to do it, so they let us go with panties but no bra. She still refused so the brit and tall white boy went with me. Them in their boxers, me in my panties. With everyone watching. As we ran a lap around our residence. In the snow. Tall white boy is a dick, by the way. And there are a number of reasons for this statement.

First of all, when we were all running, he pushed me into the fucking snow. I was practically nude, freezing cold, and suddenly doing a faceplant in the snow. Not pleased.

Second of all, when we were both really drunk, me and him were chilling in his room and he was all like “Shall we do this?”. I wasn’t sure what he was talking about at first, but then it hit me and I was suddenly even more confused because I could’ve sworn he wasn’t interested or attracted to me. He then went on to ask about my “love” for him, because apparently he too was been checking my blog (wtf? how does everyone end up reading this?) and I told him how it was a crush, and I was over it cause he’d been a huge dick to me for the past little while. Anyways, after this.. discussion, we started making out and that lead to sex. Whether fortunately or unfortunately, he was too drunk to keep his dick up, so we stopped pretty quickly. I can’t believe I did that. Part of me is just thinking how he used me because he knew how I had a crush on him, and thus figured I’d be down for it. Meanwhile, the other part of me is mad at myself for kinda enjoying it. For kinda wanting to be with him. I don’t know, I’m trying to figure this out for myself as I write it here. I hate him so much for fucking around with me right now. Pun intended.

Back to the streaking thing, all the girls and a couple of the guys were pretty cool about it. They came up to me afterwards and were all like, dude, you’ve got balls. Or, that took guts, I respect you for that. And that was pretty cool. But then there were the jackasses who were all like, I saw your tits. And, “I didn’t recognize you with your clothes on”. Ugh, yeah, just a ton of stupid shit like that. I was displeased, but I suppose it was to be expected.

Those are the two main stupid things for today. OH SHIT, WAIT.

So this girl “Asthma”, on our floor, got really wasted tonight. And she, like me, is a huge slut when intoxicated. So me and this guy were trying to get her to go to bed so we could all go for foods. She started hitting on both of us. She sucked his finger to prove how she didn’t have a gag reflex. Then she locked me in her room and asked me to kiss her. I was kinda drunk too, so I did. But I didn’t want to do anything with her. But she was determined. She pushed me onto the bed and took her shirt off and, thankfully, the guy tried to get in then, so I managed to get away and ran out the door. That was crazy shits.

Oh, and I got in a fight with my mom. She was all like, "You need to be responsible, and I don't want you working cashier jobs and stuff like that. You have to find a good job that has to do with your field." "Uh, mum, there is no part time work I can do that's in my field right now. I'm in first year uni." She was irksome and hard to deal with. I got frustrated quickly. She then proceeded to tell me to "Maybe minor in something useful." Gee, thanks mum, so glad you're supporting me in my studies of the arts. I greatly appreciate it. Bitch.

Kay, yeah, I think that’s the majority of the stupidity of the day. I’m gonna sign off here and probably write more soontimes cause I am le tired, and not in the mood to dwell on icky matters.

Yes, I just said "icky". Is that a problem?

Beer Pong Tournament

Wooot! We're finally embracing our university student cliche status.

We're playing beer pong, as a tournament, at 12 in the afternoon.

How exciting is that? I'm looking forward to it, it's the first time I'm playing beer pong, I used to wisely hide away from the game because I was scared to make a fool of myself, but now I'm throwing caution to the wind and deciding to look stupid in front of everybody. Sounds like a blast, eh?

This is difficult, I really don't have anything to say cause I keep getting bored in my really long classes and end up writing the things I intend on writing here. Thus, I have nothing to say at the moment.

Poor Thing, Poor Thing

So I'm incredibly frustrated right now. Plus I’m just crazy tired, but I can’t sleep right now because I have shit I need to deal with, namely venting about shit I have to deal with. UGH. Uhm, basically, there are two people I want to vent about right now, but can’t, because one of them read this and so I instead just vented to the ginger about that person. The second person I need to vent about is someone I don’t think I’ve really talked about on here before. She’s my cousin, and I think I’ve mentioned her, mentioned how much I dislike her, how much she’s fucking up her life, fucking up her parent’s lives, etc. Well, maybe not to that extent, but she’s at least been mentioned. I think. So basically, she decided to run away because, as she puts it, her parents don’t give her enough freedom. Now, before you go around pointing fingers at me and calling me a hypocrite, listen to the entire story. Yes, I do realize that I too ran away from home when I was in high school, and I also know that I said it was because I was fed up with them not giving me any freedom. HOWEVER, I was more than reasonable in my claim. It was so bad then that I had to beg to go out to see a movie with my friends. My “friends” had stopped being my friends because I kept having to say no to going out with them. I mean, do you understand how strict my parents had to be for my “friends” to stop asking me out? Pretty darn strict. Yeah. So now, this dumb bitch thinks that her life is like mine. She thinks that because her parents won’t let her do stupid shit, (which they actually do let her do) they’re too strict. I mean, her parents knew she smoked weed. They didn’t care. They bailed her out when she got caught stealing shit from the mall. You don’t even understand, this girl is ridiculous. Her parents used to hate me, that is until they realized how much worse their own daughter is. Now I’m the angel. I’m the goody two shoes who’s reformed and become all “proper” and whatnot. This girl has run away from home because she was too scared to ask her parents if they’d let her go to Niagara for New Years. So she went anyways, without telling them, and now she’s too scared to go back home cause she thinks they’ll be mad at her. I mean NO FUCKING SHIT. This BITCH thinks she can do whatever the fuck she wants? I mean, ugh.

Oh wait, you don’t know why I’m so mad about this, huh? Basically, because my aunt and uncle are dealing with my cousin, my mom and dad are all stressed out as well because my aunt is my mom’s sister. My mom and her sisters are REALLLYYY close. They like.. breathe each other. So, because my aunt is stressed, my mom is freaking out and taking it out on my dad, and they (my parents) already had enough shit to deal with, because, if you remember, I think the last time I mentioned them I mentioned the huge fight they were having and the fact that they were seriously considering getting a divorce. Hmm, maybe I didn’t mention this fight. Well yeah, it was just a really big, stupid fight.

So, yeah, because of this stupid bitch and her need to do whatever the fuck she wants, all the time, my parents are all stressed out and trying to hide it from me. Of course, because I’m the one who’s away at uni, I have to hear all this second hand, and all broken down in tidbits, each bit from a different person. But eventually, when I piece it all together, I make some sense of the situation, and it is this. MY COUSIN IS A WHORE.

That feels good to say. Especially when I see her, and I think of how she’s totally throwing her life away, and just doing all this stupid shit. Plus, (I feel I can honestly say this because it’s my blog and I say all that’s on my mind) I kinda just hate her because she’s so pretty. Yeah, I know, really shallow, pathetic thought, but I can’t help it. Each time I see her, I just feel like crap about myself. She’s this incredibly skinny, tall, tanned girl, with thick black hair and just, these huge eyes with really intense dark lashes. I swear, this girl is stunning. And I hate her for it. I don’t like being all shallow and shit, but I can’t help it. I don’t try to notice how pretty she is. I just do, and I hate it. I think I’m just typing for the sake of typing now, so I’m going to move on.

Uhm, actually, I don’t have much else to say. I already said that I couldn’t vent about the other person on here, plus, I already relieved that burden onto both a paper and a friend, so I’m good there. I really miss my ginger. I miss having my best friend with me. Now I’m just sadface all the time. Not really, I suppose, but I’ve been more depressed lately, overall.

On a brighter note, I printed off nine resumes and handed them out all over the mall today, so I’m hoping somebody will call me back, or e-mail me to set up an interview, and hopefully, offer me a job. You don’t even understand how badly I need a job right now. It’s to the point where I’m considering working the residence caf. Oye.

Alright, I’m tired now, so I’m going to bed. I’m sure I’ll write more soontimes. And please don’t judge me for the lack of coherence in this post, it’s already 4 in the morning, stupidity is permissible this late at night.

Take On Me

So, haven't written in a bit, cause I've been super busy (wasting time), but not really. I've been fairly productive. First item of importance, WE FOUND A HOUSE! Our group of ten people has finally found a good place to rent for next term. They're two separate houses, but they're less than two minutes walk from each other. This is really great. And we're going to go sign the lease tomorrow. Not gonna lie, I am so glad this is done with. I was getting super fed up with looking for places and this one is.. well, better than alot of the ones we've seen so far.

I'm gonna try to keep each item short cause I'm kinda really tired and I still have some readings to do, so bare with me.

Uhm, right, me and my friend finally came up with our team name for the beer pong tournament going on on our floor this weekend. We are (officially) Two Girls Six Cups. Awesome, no?

A couple of our other ideas were Beer Goggled, We Are Man, Duh (a play on my teammate's name), Blind Pongers, and a couple others I don't remember.

Oh yeah, I was going to write about my classes this semester. I'm pretty excited because they're super fascinating classes. I'm taking Queer Cinema, Images of Women in Media, English: Isolation and Alienation, Peace and Conflict Studies, and Philosophy. It's gonna be great. Granted, my work load will most likely be HUGE, but I'm okay with that. For now, anyways.

What else? Ooh, had a great high the other night, so much fun. Started getting drunk with friends, then my friend asked if I wanted to get high with her (duhhh), so we went out and I was already fairly intoxicated. But the weed was great, I was all bubbly and laugh-ey (which is seldom the case with me). Pretty sure this guy on the upper floor was hitting on me, but I was too high to pay due notice. Ended up passing out on my friend's bed, woke up at like.. 5 am and went down to my own bed and then woke up a couple hours later to view houses. It was good times.

Hrmmm. Right! The brit broke up with his boyfriend :( I felt so bad for him cause I know what it's like to be in a bad breakup and apparently it was his first "serious" relationship, but it wasn't even that serious so he's sadface now. Me and him had a brilliant talk walk thing the night it happened (thursday, I think) and we just vented about all of our problems to each other. Apparently me and him have a lot in common. Then we started joking around and he said things like "I would totes date you if you were a guy, or if I was straight". I think we'd be highly compatible if either of those were the case.

Kay, ending this now, cause, as I said, I'm super tired and ready to collapse. You don't even know how many spelling mistakes I had in here two seconds ago. I've erased shit so many times you don't even know. It's ridonkulous.

NIGHT!

Worst Day Ever

Well, no, not actually, but close enough. I started out waking up to my roommate coming back and unpacking with her parents. So I had to go change in my friends room, then I broke my glasses and tried to fix them with a knife, only to poke myself with it (ow). I finally get ready to go and, thinking it's monday, look at my schedule and see I have a class in a random building I've never heard of. On my way there, I get lost a couple times, had to ask for directions a couple times and finalllyyyyy find it. Only to see that the classroom is empty. What the fuck. Look at my schedule again, FUCK MY LIFE: today's tuesday. I walk all the way back to where I was right before I got lost, and then got lost trying to find the classroom inside the building. Find my class, walk in late (obviously) and have to sit on the stairs because the classrooms full.

After that fiasco, I head back home to rest and relax, and figure I should buy my books. Walk all the way to the bookstore only to find that its wayyy too crowded, and I don't have the patience to stand in line for that long. So I give up on that plan and decide to head back. Stopped midway by a friend asking if I'd like to join him to the mall. Have to head back anyways to get my broken glasses (so I can get them fixed at the mall) and finally my day starts turning around. Except for the utter exhaustion experienced due to the ongoing back and forth nonsense I went through. And the stupidity I portrayed in the glasses shop. Lol, that was funny though. The lady got m glasses fixed, brought them back to me and I put them on. I get really confused cause everything is super blurry and just... weird. She says "Oh, he cleaned them, it might be a change for you." I wipe them on my shirt anyways and put them back on. Still blurry. Confused, I think for a second, "OH! I'm still wearing my contacts!". ROFL.

Oh yeah, plus theres the drama going on with the guy I dated in elementary school. And hooked up with in high school. He randomly started messaging me again and started flirting with me and whatnot and I thought we were just kidding around. I think he's looking to hook up again, and I don't know if I'm interested or not. I mean, I'm kinda getting tired of just being everyone's booty call. I suppose it's better than nothing, but it doesn't do much for a person's self esteem. Unless that person was like me, and thus desperate for any sign of approval and found that the more people show any form of physical interest, the more attractive she is.

Ugh.

I dunno. I guess I don't mind hookups so much. Plus, just, I don't know. I'm tired of this stream of thought.

Here I Am, Once Again

(This is another post I'd written in my notebook during the break, so I'm just transferring it to here)

Due to my current situation, I am unable to write in my blog so I'm writing this here so that I don't forget what it was I'd been meaning to write. Granted, this occurred a couple days ago, so the details are already foggy. Basically, I was at my cousins the other night, and me and her got to talking of our exploits (as is usually the case). She asked me if I'd "popped M". Confused, I asked what M was and what she was talking about. MDMA (I believe), is the main component of E, and she was asking if I'd tried it yet. "No, but I've been meaning to, I just haven't been in a situation where it was present." She told me she could get me some. This concerned me a little bit because I know that doing dealings with my cousin generally lands me in some sort of trouble. That is to say, she generally rats me out. Anywho, desperation and utter curiosity won over sense and logic. I agreed and asked her to get me some.

That night I had the weirdest dream ever. I'm still not sure if it was even a dream or not. Part of me is still under the impression that my cousin slipped the pill to me while I was at her place and I experienced the trip while at home in my bed. It's hard to explain, but basically, I had the craziest trip ever. I was hallucinating, carefree and in bliss. It was so entertaining and just.. incredible. Usually, when I smoke weed, it ends up being, in some way or another, a bad trip. I either start freaking out over my parents finding out, or just everything hurts. This "trip" though (and I put "trip" in quotations because it was most likely a dream), wasn't even remotely negative. There were no scares, no nervousness, no nothing. Just excitement and all that. Had I taken to recording the details of my "trip" the moment I "woke up", I guarantee there'd be more details as to what I'd done (there was an adventure of sorts). But those details have left me right now and all I know is that it was brilliant.

Darts is most definitely not a real sport. Just saying.

I can't wait till we move into/get our new apartment. I'm so excited to decorate it and turn it into a home.

It's going to be AWESOME!

Another New Year Goes By

Yeah, I know I haven’t written in a bit, but it’s only cause I was home for the break and am still scared my parents stalk my interwebs. I’m currently writing this as a word document and plan to post it when I get back home. I mean back to school.

Totes feels more like home then here does.

Anywho, I need to write this all down now so that I don’t forget the marvellous details that made my New Years so… memorable.

No, memorable isn’t the right word. It’s more like, frustrating.

Basically, the plan was to attend two parties, both those of my good friends. I started out at one and found I was too allergic to her cat, plus my very difficult ex was there, and, yes, I love him, but he’s just realllyyy depressing and reallllyyyy horny. He’ll randomly bite my neck, or make me sit on his lap, or just all this other random stuff that sound normal enough but aren’t with him. It’s really hard to explain.

ANYWHO. Uhm, left her place and went to the other one. Started drinking awkwardly and alone-ish at first because I had some drama with some of the people there and I hadn’t spoken to most of the rest of them since the middle of high school. Got fairly intoxicated and made out with a guy I “dated” and “cheated on” in grade 8 (we’ll call him D). I put that in air quotes cause it never really happened. Too lazy to further explain that. The reason I made out with him, though, is entirely the fault of one of the guys who spent the majority of the night yelling things like “Hey, (me), when are you going to make out with D?” “Hey, (me), will you have sex with D tonight?” etc. Eventually, this peer pressure and my usual drunken sluttyness lead to us making out repeatedly, including at midnight at the end of the countdown. (It was my first New Years kiss). I was quite intoxicated at this point in time and somehow ended up with D, naked, in Gingers bed. One of the drunken retards walked in on us and went and told Ginger, which I’m actually really glad about, to be honest, I was hoping to behave myself this night. So Ginger storms up, flips out at me, I get my clothes on and follow her and apologize profusely, like, you have no idea. I was so determined that she was to forgive me that I started yelling at her. I finally managed to explain to her that I was really drunk, that it was the stupid guys fault, and that we didn’t do actually do anything, despite being naked in her bed. After this.. thing, I sobered up, fast, and had the pleasure of cleaning up and taking care of people. I cleaned up the same girl’s vomit, from the exact same place, twice. The idiot puked FIVE TIMES. Three of these times being in THE EXACT SAME PLACE. I also had the pleasure of swiffering the floor, taking care of burns in the carpet and cleaning out the hooka. Bah.

Whatever though, because, despite it all, I did enjoy myself. It may have been a mess, I may not have gotten much sleep, a lot of things could have gone a lot better, but even so, I had a good time. And I saw a bunch of old friends.

Twas, if nothing else, an experience.