Holding On

I don't understand this. I have heard, from numerous guys, that I am hot. That I'm awesome to be around. That I'm smart. That I'm sexy, fun, etc. If I'm all these marvelous things, why do I always end up alone? By myself? Without someone who wants to be with me for me?

Yes, I do realize that I have been hooked on this topic for a while now, but fuck off. I don't care. I'm stuck on this topic because I want to be stuck on this topic, and because I'm surrounded by guys who keep reminding me of this topic. Like my good ol' fuck buddy. Remember him? Well, I just got off skype with him, and he's doing well. He's worried about his girlfriend because she's been sick for a while. Yepp. He's doing well though. And he's still reminding me of how I awesome I am. Oh yeah, I'm so awesome that all I am to you is still just a friend with benefits. And only when we aren't dating other people. Well, only when he isn't dating other people. No, that's a lie, I've put the fb thing on hold before due to relationships too, but still. But still, he tells me how (and this is a direct quote) "you're fucking hot". Yep.

Fucking hot.

That's me. The lonely smothering hot chick.

On another note, Gingers coming to visit next weekend, I'm pretty excited for that. We're going to a "Masquerave". It's going to be my first time at a club.

I think I know why he's not into me. My fb, that is. I think it's cause we keep telling each other everything. He knows everything about me. Like the times my parents hit me, how much I hated going to the shrink, how I had tried to kill myself, how I hated my body. Everything. Well, everything negative, according to that list, but I'm in a pessimistic mood, so theres no such thing as good news. SHUT UP. IT MAKES SENSE IN MY HEAD. Point is, he may not be attracted to me because he knows how much emotional baggage I come with.

Honestly, I don't even care if that's not the real reason, I'm just going to pretend it is because he's a really great guy and I'd be lucky to end up with someone like him. So, I need a reason as to why I can't be with the real him. And because I know he's not interested in me in that way, I have to make up a "real" reason.

Got it?

Wow, that was almost as intense as Descartes' reasoning, the whole "God exists through this logic"

Again, that made sense in my head. STOP JUDGING ME.

I'm gonna.. uh, go.. now.. cause, well, as you can see, I'm a teeny tiny bit upset. But it's no big deal, because, remember: [I'm] fucking hot. UGH.

I swear, I'm not always an emotional wreck. And I'm most definitely not always this needy. It might just be the birth control pills. Or maybe I'm close to my period. Or some other bullcrap excuse women make whenever they get too "touchy feely".

Kay. Leaving now.