I think it's about time for me to stop writing in this blog. It doesn't accomplish anything more then my journal used to do and I feel like the only reason I keep up with it is in the hopes that someone is reading it religiously. However, I highly doubt that anyone cares and I realize that I'm more comfortable with my journal anyways.
In this (hopefully) last post, I'm gonna give a quick update and then end it. I went on vacation and flirted with hot guys, and got nicely tanned and enjoyed myself a great deal. When I got back I started giving swim lessons to a couple family friends and started getting money. I talked to a homeopath (a doctor who does some psychology, but treats the patients with all natural medical treatment thingys) and found out I'm not unique at all. She had everything about me in her little book. I'm a type of person. There are people like me who have the same problems as me and this bothered me, alot. There is NOTHING unique or individual about me, not my dreams, my self esteem, my ideas, my weight, my original sense of uniqueness, nothing.
Moving on from the depression that leads me to, I went to a sleepover thing at my friends house. It was alot of fun. She's in uni, so her friends are all older, I was the baby of the group, but I think they liked me. We went for bubble tea, then headed to a bar, but I got carded so we left and went to Timmie's instead. We headed back to her place at 2ish, but she started getting boring around then. Luckily, at that moment, a really hot guy walks into the kitchen, has a conversation with me, and walks out. I ask who he was, where he went, etc. "Oh, he's just my brother's best friend, they smoke up in the garage." "They have weed?! Excellent." (I had been wanting some all day). I went into the garage and they welcomed me with open arms. Granted, they were drunk, but it was still nice. Plus, the two best friends were really hot, and the brother was really nice. I'm pretty sure they were hitting on me, but then one asked how old I am and I think they realized that should anything happen, it would be illegal, so they kinda stopped and tried to ignore me. They were too drunk for that to work. One of the hot friends actually asked "You wanna play strip poker?" "I don't know how *giggle*" "That's exactly why you should play strip poker." Unfortunatley, he mistook my silence for a no and dropped it. I was actually waiting for him to give instructions. Meh, would have been fun. Best part is, my parents think that we went for bubble tea then watched movies till we fell asleep. Awsome, no?
Anywho, I'm gonna go watch a movie, so this, I think, is goodbye. You are up to datefor today, and there will be no more. Thats the plan anyways. Lets see how it works.
I hope this stays up for a couple years. I want to come back when I'm 40 and read all of this, then maybe find my old journals too. I'm sure I'll have a good laugh at all the things I thought were important.
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
Monday, August 17, 2009
What Does It Feel Like To Be Loved?
There's so much I have to write about, like my trip to Puenta Cana and the whole confusion about whether or not I have friends, but I just don't have the words, or the patience to write it all down right now.
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
You Think I'm Intimidating?!?!
So I finally went on my date with the guy who's had a crush on me for ages. The one I went to prom with. Surprisingly, it was really.. nice. I could tell he was really nervous, and I was waiting for him to make a move through the whole movie (which he didn't and which I thought to be really refreshing). After the movie, he confessed that he was really nervous and felt intimidated. "You're intimidated by me? AWWWW! Why? We're like, best friends!!" This got him laughing and I think it got some of the nervousness off him. He walked me home and kept his arm either around my shoulder or my waist throughout the walk. It was a nice walk and we had some intense conversation (about the stereotype people tend to stick on teenagers). When we got to my house, I invited him in and we talked and played this video game thing my sister has.
I was slightly surprised at how much I enjoyed myself. It was actually really nice. The only thing is that I can't help seeing us as just friends. Even the "date" we went on didn't feel like more then our usual "hanging out".
Whatever, let's just wait and see what happens.
I was slightly surprised at how much I enjoyed myself. It was actually really nice. The only thing is that I can't help seeing us as just friends. Even the "date" we went on didn't feel like more then our usual "hanging out".
Whatever, let's just wait and see what happens.
Monday, July 27, 2009
Darling, Please, Take My Sweater; You're Soaked!
I had to hide in people's backyards this weekend. I also kept in contact with my parents via e-mail while I was supposed to have run away. What kind of runaway keeps in contact with her rescuers?
Oh yeah, uhm, I ran away for all of... 34 hours? It was really.. weird. We had gotten in another stupid fight, and I was supposed to be going on a date with the guy I had mentioned earlier (so I technically, unintentionally stood him up, however, he was the furthest thing from my mind when I was trying to figure out what I was doing that I didn't really notice) and I went out for air to calm myself down. Every time I go out for a walk after a fight, my parents seem to feel the need to follow behind me in the car. This time, I decided I needed air on my own and so went in a different direction. This lead to them looking for me, which bothered me and lead to me hiding in people's backyards until they had passed by. Somehow, I ended up on a bus after buying viva tickets with 19 of the 37 dollars I had on me. I didn't want to think of my next step so I stayed on the bus until it's last stop, Finch. While I was on the bus, I realized what lonely lives bus drivers lead and so decided to strike up a conversation with the bus driver. We talked all the way through his route. When I finally got off the bus I thought I'd get on a subway and get further away. On the way to the ticket booth, I heard someone playing "Knocking On Heaven's Door" by Bob Dylan. When I heard the song a huge smile lit my face and I just felt so much better. For some reason, this persuaded me not to get on the subway after all. I ended up walking up and down around Finch in the pouring rain. Surprisingly, there some very nice people who seemed to genuinely seemed to care for my well-being. One man drove by and upon seeing my drenched figure earnestly asked if I was alright, if I needed money or food or a ride or anything. Later, another man ran up to me while I was going to get some food and he offered me his sweater calling out "Darling, you're soaked, here, take my sweater." Then, as I was walking to the bus stop again, a bus driver stopped by me, not because he had a stop there, merely to ask if I was alright and if I needed a ride. It was touching. Anywho, this story is far too long for me to type, long story short, I met up with a friend as I was on my way home and we hung out for a bit until she offered for me to stay at her house. I stayed there for the night and went out a bit the next day. I was keeping in touch with my family and friends because I had gotten an e-mail from my cousin telling me how worried everyone was and how the police were involved and all that. My best friend was worried about me too, and she (ever so sweetly) sent me e-mails telling me what a bad best friend I was being by making her worry so much and then threatening me with things only best friends would understand. Then, at around 10:40 that night, while my friend was out, I left her a note thanking her for her hospitality and apologising for leaving without saying goodbye, hopped on a bus and headed home. I tried to take my time getting home: I had started to doubt my decision while I was on the bus. I finally got home around, 12:30 and was greeted by tears and bone-crushing bear hugs. A police officer came to "ensure I had actually returned" and proceeded to tell me (in a tone that very bluntly told me he hated me for making him do extra work) that "I technically wasn't missing, after all, I knew where I was". It was hard to keep a straight face. I called my best friend up to let her know I was back and was immediately yelled at and then laughed at and then forced to tell my entire story all over again.
Yes, so that was my weekend.
Oh yeah, uhm, I ran away for all of... 34 hours? It was really.. weird. We had gotten in another stupid fight, and I was supposed to be going on a date with the guy I had mentioned earlier (so I technically, unintentionally stood him up, however, he was the furthest thing from my mind when I was trying to figure out what I was doing that I didn't really notice) and I went out for air to calm myself down. Every time I go out for a walk after a fight, my parents seem to feel the need to follow behind me in the car. This time, I decided I needed air on my own and so went in a different direction. This lead to them looking for me, which bothered me and lead to me hiding in people's backyards until they had passed by. Somehow, I ended up on a bus after buying viva tickets with 19 of the 37 dollars I had on me. I didn't want to think of my next step so I stayed on the bus until it's last stop, Finch. While I was on the bus, I realized what lonely lives bus drivers lead and so decided to strike up a conversation with the bus driver. We talked all the way through his route. When I finally got off the bus I thought I'd get on a subway and get further away. On the way to the ticket booth, I heard someone playing "Knocking On Heaven's Door" by Bob Dylan. When I heard the song a huge smile lit my face and I just felt so much better. For some reason, this persuaded me not to get on the subway after all. I ended up walking up and down around Finch in the pouring rain. Surprisingly, there some very nice people who seemed to genuinely seemed to care for my well-being. One man drove by and upon seeing my drenched figure earnestly asked if I was alright, if I needed money or food or a ride or anything. Later, another man ran up to me while I was going to get some food and he offered me his sweater calling out "Darling, you're soaked, here, take my sweater." Then, as I was walking to the bus stop again, a bus driver stopped by me, not because he had a stop there, merely to ask if I was alright and if I needed a ride. It was touching. Anywho, this story is far too long for me to type, long story short, I met up with a friend as I was on my way home and we hung out for a bit until she offered for me to stay at her house. I stayed there for the night and went out a bit the next day. I was keeping in touch with my family and friends because I had gotten an e-mail from my cousin telling me how worried everyone was and how the police were involved and all that. My best friend was worried about me too, and she (ever so sweetly) sent me e-mails telling me what a bad best friend I was being by making her worry so much and then threatening me with things only best friends would understand. Then, at around 10:40 that night, while my friend was out, I left her a note thanking her for her hospitality and apologising for leaving without saying goodbye, hopped on a bus and headed home. I tried to take my time getting home: I had started to doubt my decision while I was on the bus. I finally got home around, 12:30 and was greeted by tears and bone-crushing bear hugs. A police officer came to "ensure I had actually returned" and proceeded to tell me (in a tone that very bluntly told me he hated me for making him do extra work) that "I technically wasn't missing, after all, I knew where I was". It was hard to keep a straight face. I called my best friend up to let her know I was back and was immediately yelled at and then laughed at and then forced to tell my entire story all over again.
Yes, so that was my weekend.
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
Dare Night
I just got back from the coolest "birthday party" ever. If it weren't for the fact that my parents don't really believe the cover story I told them, my night would be perfect. So one of my friends, for her 18th birthday, decided to do a dare night. She split all of us up into groups, gave us a couple envelopes and told us we would be meeting in front of the Eaton Centre at 9. Each envelope held a couple dares that we needed to do in a certain area (i.e., suburbs, bus, subway, downtown). We needed to get video or picture proof of each of the dares we performed and at the end, when we all met up again she was to tally up the scores and grant the winning group a free dinner that the losing group had to pay for. It was great. Unfortunately, because my parents didn't want me going downtown I told them instead that I was going to the mall and then, because I really didn't want to talk to them (they kept calling all night), I told them that I had accidentally left my phone at the Timnmies we stopped by. This lie came in handy when I needed a reason for getting home late too. Anyways, it kinda sucked cause I missed about half the party because of my curfew. Other then that it was pretty much a blast.
Wait, no, there were two little downers, but they weren't that bad. One was that I was in a bit of a fight with one of my guy friends, and he was in my group. The other was the verbal abuse I had to endure because a drunk white guy didn't like "immigrants"(we were walking to the bus stop and some random guy walking on the street called me a cocksucking immigrant whore. I was disgusted to say the least.)
Thankfully, my night improved a bit when I met one of my ex's on the bus. It might be my imagination, but I feel like we were flirting the entire time. Then again, I was feeling kind of sick, so maybe I'm just misinterpreting his kindness as flirtation. He looks good. I wouldn't mind going out with him again. I don't actually remember the exact reason as to why we broke up. I'm sure it was something stupid that could easily be forgotten :).
Wait, no, there were two little downers, but they weren't that bad. One was that I was in a bit of a fight with one of my guy friends, and he was in my group. The other was the verbal abuse I had to endure because a drunk white guy didn't like "immigrants"(we were walking to the bus stop and some random guy walking on the street called me a cocksucking immigrant whore. I was disgusted to say the least.)
Thankfully, my night improved a bit when I met one of my ex's on the bus. It might be my imagination, but I feel like we were flirting the entire time. Then again, I was feeling kind of sick, so maybe I'm just misinterpreting his kindness as flirtation. He looks good. I wouldn't mind going out with him again. I don't actually remember the exact reason as to why we broke up. I'm sure it was something stupid that could easily be forgotten :).
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
Centre For Poor Karma and Pain Research
I scream in a soundproof room.
They forgot to turn the microphones on.
This is the last sound I make.
I disintegrate into nothingness.
No one will remember me or what I had to say.
I think I've moved on. I don't hate him as much anymore. I can stand being around him. I don't know why I hated him so much. I honestly don't understand it. Even so, I'm pretty sure he's not particularly fond of me anymore. I've been a bitch to him and I know it. Oddly enough, this doesn't really bother me. Which is mean, but I still don't care.
Interesting thing today, he was talking with the girl in our class and the asain guy I smoked up with and I joined in their conversaion. They were talking about how the girl could read people's "sexual auras", like, what they've done and what type of person they are in regards to that. This was interesting because most people who claim to be able to do this get me wrong. They all confuse me for some innocent novice. Sh got me practically dead on, but I think it's only cause I said that most people get me wrong. Or because I was wearing a really open shirt. It was kinda funny, cause first thing she said was "You're not a slut." And I found myself thinking, "Aren't I?" Then I figured she probably said that to everyone. I highly doubt shes gonna go tell a slut, "Oh, you're a slut." Right? Anyways, yeah, that amused me greatly. What amused me even more was how awkward he seemed to feel in that part of the conversation. As soon as she started trying to read me, he put his head down and started doing his math homework and seemed to finish up with it just as she finished telling me her reading.
Looking forward to getting high tomorrow, after our third math test. Exciting.
They forgot to turn the microphones on.
This is the last sound I make.
I disintegrate into nothingness.
No one will remember me or what I had to say.
I think I've moved on. I don't hate him as much anymore. I can stand being around him. I don't know why I hated him so much. I honestly don't understand it. Even so, I'm pretty sure he's not particularly fond of me anymore. I've been a bitch to him and I know it. Oddly enough, this doesn't really bother me. Which is mean, but I still don't care.
Interesting thing today, he was talking with the girl in our class and the asain guy I smoked up with and I joined in their conversaion. They were talking about how the girl could read people's "sexual auras", like, what they've done and what type of person they are in regards to that. This was interesting because most people who claim to be able to do this get me wrong. They all confuse me for some innocent novice. Sh got me practically dead on, but I think it's only cause I said that most people get me wrong. Or because I was wearing a really open shirt. It was kinda funny, cause first thing she said was "You're not a slut." And I found myself thinking, "Aren't I?" Then I figured she probably said that to everyone. I highly doubt shes gonna go tell a slut, "Oh, you're a slut." Right? Anyways, yeah, that amused me greatly. What amused me even more was how awkward he seemed to feel in that part of the conversation. As soon as she started trying to read me, he put his head down and started doing his math homework and seemed to finish up with it just as she finished telling me her reading.
Looking forward to getting high tomorrow, after our third math test. Exciting.
Monday, July 13, 2009
Well, When You Don't Tell Me What's Going On I Need To Listen In To Find Out
So, remember the guy, one of my good friends, the one that took me to prom? The one that I was sure had a crush on me? The one I hoped wouldn't ask me out because I knew that I don't have feelings for him? Yeah, him. He decided that, a week after being informed that me and my (ex) boyfriend broke up, he would ask me out. One of my best buddies, turns out, had set him up to it. My best guy friend has been saying from the beginning how he could totally see me and this guy dating. Ever since then I've been telling my best buddy that I wasn't interested in him. Besides I had my other guy friend who I had my whole friends with benefits thing going on with.
This is getting confusing. Let me try this a different way.
A- Best guy friend.
B- Guy friend who asked me out.
C- Friend with benefits guy.
Ok, so B has liked me forever. A is one of my best friends. We haven't really ever done anything together, except for the one time we thought we could try a friends with benefits thing together, but we didn't get past making out. C is the guy I was in love with, the one I had a friends with benefits thing with, until we stopped it so I could be with my (ex) boyfriend, but which we have restarted. A had called that me and B would make a perfect couple. I had said how I had no feelings for B and would most likely reject him should he ever ask me out. On monday, me and the boyfriend broke up. During the week, A and B came to visit me a couple times and I talked with both of them via MSN and telephone. On saturday I for some reason was talking to A and decided to ask him if B liked me. A said that he couldn't tell me because he's friends with both me and B and he couldn't sell anybody out. So I thought nothing of it. Me and C started making plans to see each other again. B called during dinner. I said I'd call him back. I called him back and he asked me out. Being really close friends I had trouble letting him down easily, so I hesitated a bit. He got all flustered and started saying how its no big deal and I didn't need to say yes and all that. I just felt so bad I figured it wouldn't hurt to try it. So I'm just like "Yeah.. sure, I mean, we can try it out, yeah?". I then found out that A had set him up to it and had even set a deadline for when B had to ask me out by. As soon as I had this figured out, I called the Ginger and she was horribly amused by the whole thing and just started laughing at me. She promised to yell at A and I assured her that I had that covered. Directly after that phone called I proceeded to call A. A picks up, with a very amused tone and starts talking about randomness. We kid around a bit and I have a mini spaz attack at him but he assures me that he's informed B that it most likely won't work out. Which I was extremely appreciative of.
Anyways, yeah, so now I have that to deal with.
Next day, sunday, I get in a stupid fight with my parents (go figure) and its about how "my shirt was too open". It was a fucking tank top. They gave me a shitload of grief and my dad lost his temper and got a tad violent which lead to me getting pissed and throwing myself at him just hitting everywhere and anything I could reach. This lead to my mom calling me a "Sex Object" (her words exactly) and basically calling me a slut. I was standing in my room seriously contemplating suicide. The only way I've considered is by taking a shitload of advils. Maybe chase the advils with some Bacardi? I was actually just standing there, 12 advils in hand. I was so close to doing it too. I wanted to make them suffer. I wasn't sure that it would bother them at all, but it might've. I decided against it and instead walked out of the house. I started walking away, my parents called my cousins, cousins picked me up and took me to my aunts house where there was a huge family gathering thing and I got a lecture from my grandma and my aunt (from my dad's side) about how I should just listen to my parents and do what they say sometimes.
Then, as I was cooling down a bit from te huge temper tantrum thing, I was sitting outside, by my aunt's pool and was immideatly pushed into the water. With my phone in my pocket. In case you haven't figured it out, my phone is currently not in existence.
Lastly, summer school is going alright. I think I'm passing. We've done two tests so far. The first one I got a 50, a 57 and a 100 on the three different parts of the test. The second one we didn't get back yet, but I'm expecting a similar mark as the first test.
Oh, I lied, that wasn't the last thing. Theres three more.
My parents don't drink. So theres no alchohol in our house. Or so I thought. Turns out, they had a nice little bottle of Bacardi that they got from the Dominican (or Cuba, I can't remember) and it was just kinda lying around in one of the downstairs cupboards. I figured they wouldn't notice if it went missing and took it up to my room, nicely hidden, for any special occasions. Granted, I'm not a huge fan of rum, I prefer vodka, it's still better then nothing.
Second last, one of my friends, this guy is the most amusing, carefree people you will ever meet. So he has a girlfriend, but he seems to have no problem whatsoever flirting with me. Which I'm not sure if thats what he's doing or what, but thats what it feels like. We'll be talknig about something and he'll ask what size my chest is. Or whether I've given head or if I spit or swallow. Apparently he told the girlfriend something about me and she got all jealous and started telling him about a dream she had where he was making out with me and she decided to retaliate by screwing this really hot russian guy we all know and love.
I don't know why I told that story, but it felt more important while it was still in my head.
The last thing (I promise this is it) I was on the phone with my other bestie and my mom was telling me to go to bed. She kept spazzing so I rushed my story about A and B and said night to her. My mom walks in my room as I'm hanging up saying, "What was that about?"
"None of your business"
"Yes it is, your my daughter and it matters. Who asked you out? Whats going on?"
"YOU WERE EAVSEDROPPING?!?!?!"
"Well, when you don't tell me whats going on in your life, I have to find out somehow."
"GET OUT."
The End
Ughh, she pisses me off so much. Whats it to her whats going on with my relationships and all that shit?
Anywho, yeah.. thats it for now. Wow, I didn't realize I needed to write so much.
This is getting confusing. Let me try this a different way.
A- Best guy friend.
B- Guy friend who asked me out.
C- Friend with benefits guy.
Ok, so B has liked me forever. A is one of my best friends. We haven't really ever done anything together, except for the one time we thought we could try a friends with benefits thing together, but we didn't get past making out. C is the guy I was in love with, the one I had a friends with benefits thing with, until we stopped it so I could be with my (ex) boyfriend, but which we have restarted. A had called that me and B would make a perfect couple. I had said how I had no feelings for B and would most likely reject him should he ever ask me out. On monday, me and the boyfriend broke up. During the week, A and B came to visit me a couple times and I talked with both of them via MSN and telephone. On saturday I for some reason was talking to A and decided to ask him if B liked me. A said that he couldn't tell me because he's friends with both me and B and he couldn't sell anybody out. So I thought nothing of it. Me and C started making plans to see each other again. B called during dinner. I said I'd call him back. I called him back and he asked me out. Being really close friends I had trouble letting him down easily, so I hesitated a bit. He got all flustered and started saying how its no big deal and I didn't need to say yes and all that. I just felt so bad I figured it wouldn't hurt to try it. So I'm just like "Yeah.. sure, I mean, we can try it out, yeah?". I then found out that A had set him up to it and had even set a deadline for when B had to ask me out by. As soon as I had this figured out, I called the Ginger and she was horribly amused by the whole thing and just started laughing at me. She promised to yell at A and I assured her that I had that covered. Directly after that phone called I proceeded to call A. A picks up, with a very amused tone and starts talking about randomness. We kid around a bit and I have a mini spaz attack at him but he assures me that he's informed B that it most likely won't work out. Which I was extremely appreciative of.
Anyways, yeah, so now I have that to deal with.
Next day, sunday, I get in a stupid fight with my parents (go figure) and its about how "my shirt was too open". It was a fucking tank top. They gave me a shitload of grief and my dad lost his temper and got a tad violent which lead to me getting pissed and throwing myself at him just hitting everywhere and anything I could reach. This lead to my mom calling me a "Sex Object" (her words exactly) and basically calling me a slut. I was standing in my room seriously contemplating suicide. The only way I've considered is by taking a shitload of advils. Maybe chase the advils with some Bacardi? I was actually just standing there, 12 advils in hand. I was so close to doing it too. I wanted to make them suffer. I wasn't sure that it would bother them at all, but it might've. I decided against it and instead walked out of the house. I started walking away, my parents called my cousins, cousins picked me up and took me to my aunts house where there was a huge family gathering thing and I got a lecture from my grandma and my aunt (from my dad's side) about how I should just listen to my parents and do what they say sometimes.
Then, as I was cooling down a bit from te huge temper tantrum thing, I was sitting outside, by my aunt's pool and was immideatly pushed into the water. With my phone in my pocket. In case you haven't figured it out, my phone is currently not in existence.
Lastly, summer school is going alright. I think I'm passing. We've done two tests so far. The first one I got a 50, a 57 and a 100 on the three different parts of the test. The second one we didn't get back yet, but I'm expecting a similar mark as the first test.
Oh, I lied, that wasn't the last thing. Theres three more.
My parents don't drink. So theres no alchohol in our house. Or so I thought. Turns out, they had a nice little bottle of Bacardi that they got from the Dominican (or Cuba, I can't remember) and it was just kinda lying around in one of the downstairs cupboards. I figured they wouldn't notice if it went missing and took it up to my room, nicely hidden, for any special occasions. Granted, I'm not a huge fan of rum, I prefer vodka, it's still better then nothing.
Second last, one of my friends, this guy is the most amusing, carefree people you will ever meet. So he has a girlfriend, but he seems to have no problem whatsoever flirting with me. Which I'm not sure if thats what he's doing or what, but thats what it feels like. We'll be talknig about something and he'll ask what size my chest is. Or whether I've given head or if I spit or swallow. Apparently he told the girlfriend something about me and she got all jealous and started telling him about a dream she had where he was making out with me and she decided to retaliate by screwing this really hot russian guy we all know and love.
I don't know why I told that story, but it felt more important while it was still in my head.
The last thing (I promise this is it) I was on the phone with my other bestie and my mom was telling me to go to bed. She kept spazzing so I rushed my story about A and B and said night to her. My mom walks in my room as I'm hanging up saying, "What was that about?"
"None of your business"
"Yes it is, your my daughter and it matters. Who asked you out? Whats going on?"
"YOU WERE EAVSEDROPPING?!?!?!"
"Well, when you don't tell me whats going on in your life, I have to find out somehow."
"GET OUT."
The End
Ughh, she pisses me off so much. Whats it to her whats going on with my relationships and all that shit?
Anywho, yeah.. thats it for now. Wow, I didn't realize I needed to write so much.
Monday, July 6, 2009
Scream Your Heart Out
Uhm.. haven't done this in a while. I don't really know why I haven't written, but it was a nice feeling. Almost like I was living independently without need of a release. That no longer holds true. Or I just really feel like writing. Either way, here I am.
For starters, we broke up.
Now you're up to date.
To be honest, I don't know how I feel about it. We're in summer school together. Same school, same class, same table. We broke up on the first day and it was a nice clean break up. No tears, no nothing. Just very simple "I think it's over." "Let's be friends?" "Ok."
That was actually how it went down. Next day, I just felt like I didn't want to be around him, so I was distant and didn't talk to him at all. That led to him striking up a conversation with this pretty skinny girl who was sitting at the other table. I don't know if it's true or if I'm just paranoid, but I felt like he was flirting with her. Whatever, right? I mean, it's not like we're dating. But it was weird. I almost felt.. jealous. Possessive is more the word. I mean, he's mine! I was his first everything. Did that not matter to him at all? How was he so Ok to just start flirting the next day? Suddenly, for no apparent reason, I hated him. I actually hate him. I can't stand him. Listening to him talk to her, I couldn't stand it and decided to switch tables. I'm overreacting, I know. It shouldn't matter to me so much, but it does. I felt so strongly, I detested him. I do detest him. Just thinking about him is repulsive.
Why am I being such a bitch? How can I hate someone so easily? I have no idea. I've entertained the idea that maybe I'm not over him, maybe I still like him, but i rejected that thought almost immediately. I'm practically positive that I don't have feelings for him.
Plus, it feels like he just doesn't care anymore. If we were actually friends now he would've said something to me. Talked to me. About something. Anything.
All we've said to each other since the breakup was a tiny little msn convo saying "Hi.. do you get the math homework?" That's it.
Something else that's bugging me is the fact that he is so oblivious. While we were sitting at the same table, on the second day of school, I decided to smoke up and got high for the first time. He didn't notice. He was sitting directly across from me and he didn't realize that I was fucking baked out of my mind. WHAT KIND OF FRIEND IS THAT?!?!?
I don't know what I'm trying to get to, I just know I really needed this. It's helping me organize my thoughts. Maybe I'll even figure out why I'm so pissed.
On a brighter note, my friend with benefits thing is back on. I was talking to him (the guy I had been fooling around with before) and as soon as I told him that we had ended it we kinda fell back into our old "sex-talk/joke" style of speech. I look forward to seeing him again. I've missed him. I think I'm hoping that he'll make me forget all about my confusion. Or maybe he can help clear it up.
Lastly, I hate summer school. I hate math. HOWEVER, I am under the impression that I may be passing the course so far. Which is excellent news. It seems that ever since I moved tables I've actually started listening to the teacher. I'm almost excited for our next test. I think I know what I'm doing. WOOT.
For starters, we broke up.
Now you're up to date.
To be honest, I don't know how I feel about it. We're in summer school together. Same school, same class, same table. We broke up on the first day and it was a nice clean break up. No tears, no nothing. Just very simple "I think it's over." "Let's be friends?" "Ok."
That was actually how it went down. Next day, I just felt like I didn't want to be around him, so I was distant and didn't talk to him at all. That led to him striking up a conversation with this pretty skinny girl who was sitting at the other table. I don't know if it's true or if I'm just paranoid, but I felt like he was flirting with her. Whatever, right? I mean, it's not like we're dating. But it was weird. I almost felt.. jealous. Possessive is more the word. I mean, he's mine! I was his first everything. Did that not matter to him at all? How was he so Ok to just start flirting the next day? Suddenly, for no apparent reason, I hated him. I actually hate him. I can't stand him. Listening to him talk to her, I couldn't stand it and decided to switch tables. I'm overreacting, I know. It shouldn't matter to me so much, but it does. I felt so strongly, I detested him. I do detest him. Just thinking about him is repulsive.
Why am I being such a bitch? How can I hate someone so easily? I have no idea. I've entertained the idea that maybe I'm not over him, maybe I still like him, but i rejected that thought almost immediately. I'm practically positive that I don't have feelings for him.
Plus, it feels like he just doesn't care anymore. If we were actually friends now he would've said something to me. Talked to me. About something. Anything.
All we've said to each other since the breakup was a tiny little msn convo saying "Hi.. do you get the math homework?" That's it.
Something else that's bugging me is the fact that he is so oblivious. While we were sitting at the same table, on the second day of school, I decided to smoke up and got high for the first time. He didn't notice. He was sitting directly across from me and he didn't realize that I was fucking baked out of my mind. WHAT KIND OF FRIEND IS THAT?!?!?
I don't know what I'm trying to get to, I just know I really needed this. It's helping me organize my thoughts. Maybe I'll even figure out why I'm so pissed.
On a brighter note, my friend with benefits thing is back on. I was talking to him (the guy I had been fooling around with before) and as soon as I told him that we had ended it we kinda fell back into our old "sex-talk/joke" style of speech. I look forward to seeing him again. I've missed him. I think I'm hoping that he'll make me forget all about my confusion. Or maybe he can help clear it up.
Lastly, I hate summer school. I hate math. HOWEVER, I am under the impression that I may be passing the course so far. Which is excellent news. It seems that ever since I moved tables I've actually started listening to the teacher. I'm almost excited for our next test. I think I know what I'm doing. WOOT.
Thursday, June 4, 2009
Foolish Heart, Looks Like We're Here Again
Have you ever tried to hold your breath?
Just to see how long it takes for everything to go black.
Just so that maybe the air in your lungs would stop breathing.
Just so that maybe the hammer in your head would stop pounding.
And maybe the heart in your chest would stop beating.
I went to practice sad today. I hadn't heard from him all day, and we had gotten into a fight last night. I don't even know why we got in a fight.. something about the fact that I had taken a drag from my friend's cigarette. I don't think that's why we were mad at each other though. It doesn't make sense that a thing like that would cause such a huge argument. So it must've been something else, I just don't know what. Thing is, despite that that wasn't what I was upset over, I was still frustrated with him. I realized that maybe I don't know him as well as I thought I did. That maybe he isn't as sweet and innocent as I first believed him to be. I feel like I somehow.. broke him. He was so intent on "remaining pure" and being good, and not being physical.. and I pushed it till the sleeping male inside him woke up and demanded more. Demanded a more serious physical aspect to our relationship. I'm not saying he's demanding. I'm saying that he's changed, or awoken. Not that I mind.. I like being physical, I've already explained to him that I'm very open to things. I think I may have gotten the wrong message to him though. I'm afraid that he misunderstood "open" to mean "useable". It's probably a ridiculous, groundless thought, but I can't help feeling like I'm almost being used. I don't even know where I would get the idea from. Just... I don't know.
And then theres the idea that he's just messing with me, playing games with my head. He'll say things like "I wanted to say something, but it would make me sound like a dick" and, obviously, that leaves a person curious as to what he was going to say. I like when he tells me what he needs to say.. but when he dangles it in front of me... again, I don't know. I just feel like I'm being messed with. Despite it all, I can't help still feeling.. love? For him. I'm still in love with him, and it hurts when he say's things like " I feel like she's going to dump me, and I'm ok with that, as long as she's happy." I don't think he thinks very highly of me.
I know, this is wrong.. and I'm being a coward. I can't bring myself to say this to his face.. even writing this here took me a good couple hours, to word it all just right, to figure my thoughts out a bit.
I was saying how I was sad at practice today. I wanted to just hide away and cry. Not the really bad crying, the kind of tears you shed when you've cut yourself reeally bad. I mean the real crying. The crying you do to empty yourself. To just... cleanse. I don't know how to explain it, but it's the kind of crying that helps you feel better. You know how it is.. when you have a good cry and you just feel so much better. Well, I was trying to spoil myself with some easy tears, but was stopped by just about the entire team, coach included, telling me that no guy is worth my tears. That I shouldn't worry about it, and that I should just let it go. They clearly don't understand the healing power that tears hold. Nor did they understand what was wrong. Everyone just assumed that he was dumping, or had dumped, me.
I'm pretty sure that's not what's happening though. Or at least I hope it isn't.
But if it is, I'd rather he dumped me. I don't have the strength to hurt someone like that again.
Just to see how long it takes for everything to go black.
Just so that maybe the air in your lungs would stop breathing.
Just so that maybe the hammer in your head would stop pounding.
And maybe the heart in your chest would stop beating.
I went to practice sad today. I hadn't heard from him all day, and we had gotten into a fight last night. I don't even know why we got in a fight.. something about the fact that I had taken a drag from my friend's cigarette. I don't think that's why we were mad at each other though. It doesn't make sense that a thing like that would cause such a huge argument. So it must've been something else, I just don't know what. Thing is, despite that that wasn't what I was upset over, I was still frustrated with him. I realized that maybe I don't know him as well as I thought I did. That maybe he isn't as sweet and innocent as I first believed him to be. I feel like I somehow.. broke him. He was so intent on "remaining pure" and being good, and not being physical.. and I pushed it till the sleeping male inside him woke up and demanded more. Demanded a more serious physical aspect to our relationship. I'm not saying he's demanding. I'm saying that he's changed, or awoken. Not that I mind.. I like being physical, I've already explained to him that I'm very open to things. I think I may have gotten the wrong message to him though. I'm afraid that he misunderstood "open" to mean "useable". It's probably a ridiculous, groundless thought, but I can't help feeling like I'm almost being used. I don't even know where I would get the idea from. Just... I don't know.
And then theres the idea that he's just messing with me, playing games with my head. He'll say things like "I wanted to say something, but it would make me sound like a dick" and, obviously, that leaves a person curious as to what he was going to say. I like when he tells me what he needs to say.. but when he dangles it in front of me... again, I don't know. I just feel like I'm being messed with. Despite it all, I can't help still feeling.. love? For him. I'm still in love with him, and it hurts when he say's things like " I feel like she's going to dump me, and I'm ok with that, as long as she's happy." I don't think he thinks very highly of me.
I know, this is wrong.. and I'm being a coward. I can't bring myself to say this to his face.. even writing this here took me a good couple hours, to word it all just right, to figure my thoughts out a bit.
I was saying how I was sad at practice today. I wanted to just hide away and cry. Not the really bad crying, the kind of tears you shed when you've cut yourself reeally bad. I mean the real crying. The crying you do to empty yourself. To just... cleanse. I don't know how to explain it, but it's the kind of crying that helps you feel better. You know how it is.. when you have a good cry and you just feel so much better. Well, I was trying to spoil myself with some easy tears, but was stopped by just about the entire team, coach included, telling me that no guy is worth my tears. That I shouldn't worry about it, and that I should just let it go. They clearly don't understand the healing power that tears hold. Nor did they understand what was wrong. Everyone just assumed that he was dumping, or had dumped, me.
I'm pretty sure that's not what's happening though. Or at least I hope it isn't.
But if it is, I'd rather he dumped me. I don't have the strength to hurt someone like that again.
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
A Wolf in Sheeps Clothing
Right now.. the title sums it up. I think.
I want to go cry, go die, go end this all now.
I don't like it.
I don't like that I'm being such a bitch.
And I don't even know what direction my thoughts are running in.
Right now, I can honestly say
I am Confused.
I want to go cry, go die, go end this all now.
I don't like it.
I don't like that I'm being such a bitch.
And I don't even know what direction my thoughts are running in.
Right now, I can honestly say
I am Confused.
Saturday, May 30, 2009
One Night In Vegas
Goodness gracious.. I haven't written in what feels like FOREVER!!
I wanted to write all about prom the night of, but I was so exhausted that I just went straight to bed. and then when he called, I fell asleep at the phone at least three times.
Well, to sum it up, prom was incredible. I went with one of my grade 12 friends as his "date" and I'm afreiad he may have forgotten that I have a boyfriend. I may be reading this too much, I mean, it may just be that he was having a good time, but I can't help but feel weird about it. It's hard to explain what I'm trying to say, I guess I just thought he seemed really.. protective? Or something. But not just protective, just really into it. When we were all dancing, everyone was grinding, and at first me and him weren't.. but then it got really crowded on the dancefloor and we were pushed against each other and it was like.. whatever.. no big deal, we're just dancing, right? Then he put his hands on my waist, and it was still like, whatever. I got kinda weirded out so I decided I needed air and went out onto the balcony for a bit and called him up. We had a nice little five minute chat before he sent me back to the party. I headed back in and decided to find my best friend and ask her if her "date" was being as.. physical.. with her. I find her grinding with this other guy that she had had a physical relationship with before. I look at her, and pull her over, remind her that she's got a boyfriend.. who probably wouldn't approve of her dancing with a guy thats got his hands grabbing her ass. She just laughed it off and said they were just dancing. That bugged me a bit, but I let it slide.. it's prom after all. Hahahahah, what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. (The theme was "One Night In Vegas")
Another thing was when we were slow dancing. I could feel my "date" smelling my hair, and I was scared he was gonna lean in for a kiss, so I tried to keep my face in his shoulder the whole time. He kept telling me how he was having such a great time and I felt really bad, cause I kept trying to ditch him so I could dance with other people. About two hours in, I had thrown caution to the wind and was dancing like a madwoman, I had so much energy that I was practically bouncing off the walls.
The one downer during the night was during dinner, when the waitress managed to drop a plate of hot food (steak, chicken and vegetables.. all covered in gravy) on my back. It wasn't that bad, and I felt really bad for the waitress, and it was an understandable mistake, so I tried to calm her down a bit while my friends tried to get some of the food off of me. The waitress just kept apologizing and I just really wanted to get to the bathroom.. the food had been hot. I felt so bad because it wasn't even my dress, and it now smells like gravy.
That was my thursday night, and it was a blast and a half. Then, on friday, I didn't go to school, I stayed home and slept and watched a movie. After his school ended he headed over and my dad had (what I thought to be) a very awkward and unnecessary talk with him. All about his morals and how he was brought up. Bleh.
We went upstairs and were fooling around a bit.. and he fingered me. It was incredible, but I was confused, and I was trying to stop him... I had thought he didn't want to go that far.
I guess it didn't occur to me that he would want something as well, I was so out of it that I didn't reealize that I was only taking. I think it's because I'm not used to getting, I'm usually the one that's giving, and so it was.. different. But nice different.
At around 6, his mum came and picked us up from my house to take us to his friend's house. She was having a potluck and graciously extended his invitation to include me.
It was awkward at first, but I think it was alright after.. I was enjoying myself. It was very different from the parties I'm used to. First of all, it was completely clean. No drinks, no drugs, no sex, no one passed out on the floor.. it was very clean. Second, it seemed that it wasn't just one group. It was a bunch of different groups merged into one. Like, for the parties I'm used to, it's generally just the stoners. This party was a mix of people from all different cliques. It was nice to see.
I left early, about an hour before everyone else, and I wanted to get hugs from everyone, but they all looked so comfrotable on the couches that I didn't have the heart to get them up.
I just hope everyone liked me.. or at least didn't hate me.
I wanted to write all about prom the night of, but I was so exhausted that I just went straight to bed. and then when he called, I fell asleep at the phone at least three times.
Well, to sum it up, prom was incredible. I went with one of my grade 12 friends as his "date" and I'm afreiad he may have forgotten that I have a boyfriend. I may be reading this too much, I mean, it may just be that he was having a good time, but I can't help but feel weird about it. It's hard to explain what I'm trying to say, I guess I just thought he seemed really.. protective? Or something. But not just protective, just really into it. When we were all dancing, everyone was grinding, and at first me and him weren't.. but then it got really crowded on the dancefloor and we were pushed against each other and it was like.. whatever.. no big deal, we're just dancing, right? Then he put his hands on my waist, and it was still like, whatever. I got kinda weirded out so I decided I needed air and went out onto the balcony for a bit and called him up. We had a nice little five minute chat before he sent me back to the party. I headed back in and decided to find my best friend and ask her if her "date" was being as.. physical.. with her. I find her grinding with this other guy that she had had a physical relationship with before. I look at her, and pull her over, remind her that she's got a boyfriend.. who probably wouldn't approve of her dancing with a guy thats got his hands grabbing her ass. She just laughed it off and said they were just dancing. That bugged me a bit, but I let it slide.. it's prom after all. Hahahahah, what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. (The theme was "One Night In Vegas")
Another thing was when we were slow dancing. I could feel my "date" smelling my hair, and I was scared he was gonna lean in for a kiss, so I tried to keep my face in his shoulder the whole time. He kept telling me how he was having such a great time and I felt really bad, cause I kept trying to ditch him so I could dance with other people. About two hours in, I had thrown caution to the wind and was dancing like a madwoman, I had so much energy that I was practically bouncing off the walls.
The one downer during the night was during dinner, when the waitress managed to drop a plate of hot food (steak, chicken and vegetables.. all covered in gravy) on my back. It wasn't that bad, and I felt really bad for the waitress, and it was an understandable mistake, so I tried to calm her down a bit while my friends tried to get some of the food off of me. The waitress just kept apologizing and I just really wanted to get to the bathroom.. the food had been hot. I felt so bad because it wasn't even my dress, and it now smells like gravy.
That was my thursday night, and it was a blast and a half. Then, on friday, I didn't go to school, I stayed home and slept and watched a movie. After his school ended he headed over and my dad had (what I thought to be) a very awkward and unnecessary talk with him. All about his morals and how he was brought up. Bleh.
We went upstairs and were fooling around a bit.. and he fingered me. It was incredible, but I was confused, and I was trying to stop him... I had thought he didn't want to go that far.
I guess it didn't occur to me that he would want something as well, I was so out of it that I didn't reealize that I was only taking. I think it's because I'm not used to getting, I'm usually the one that's giving, and so it was.. different. But nice different.
At around 6, his mum came and picked us up from my house to take us to his friend's house. She was having a potluck and graciously extended his invitation to include me.
It was awkward at first, but I think it was alright after.. I was enjoying myself. It was very different from the parties I'm used to. First of all, it was completely clean. No drinks, no drugs, no sex, no one passed out on the floor.. it was very clean. Second, it seemed that it wasn't just one group. It was a bunch of different groups merged into one. Like, for the parties I'm used to, it's generally just the stoners. This party was a mix of people from all different cliques. It was nice to see.
I left early, about an hour before everyone else, and I wanted to get hugs from everyone, but they all looked so comfrotable on the couches that I didn't have the heart to get them up.
I just hope everyone liked me.. or at least didn't hate me.
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
This Night's a Perfect Shade
Fuck.
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
I hate myself soo much right now. Like, honestly, way to go. Way to totally be a bitch and ignore the constant thing inside you telling you that he wants to wait.
Yeah. Nice going.
Moron.
Right, so, uhmm.. I feel really bad. I was under the impression that my boyfriend was reallly.. in control of himself. And was capable of stopping himself where he wanted to stop. So I figured that, being myself (thus not particularly attractive) there was no harm in me stupidly being very.. open. Couldn't think of a better word. Baisically, I've been, like, forcing? Or pushing? Or insisiting.. that we go further. Even if I don't actually say anything, I still do things that push forward our physical relationship.
For example, he was at my house last night, and my mom called us down to dinner, and told us to wash our hands. While he was busy washing his hands, I decided to go up behind him and slip my hands down the front of his pants.
We ended up taking that a bit further, but we shouldn't have. I shouldn't have, because he didn't want to have done so.
I actually was ranting about this to my best friend today.
She called me a whore.
And told me to cool down.
She was kidding, of course, but I feel like she's right.
I've been acting like a whore.
Ugh.
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
I hate myself soo much right now. Like, honestly, way to go. Way to totally be a bitch and ignore the constant thing inside you telling you that he wants to wait.
Yeah. Nice going.
Moron.
Right, so, uhmm.. I feel really bad. I was under the impression that my boyfriend was reallly.. in control of himself. And was capable of stopping himself where he wanted to stop. So I figured that, being myself (thus not particularly attractive) there was no harm in me stupidly being very.. open. Couldn't think of a better word. Baisically, I've been, like, forcing? Or pushing? Or insisiting.. that we go further. Even if I don't actually say anything, I still do things that push forward our physical relationship.
For example, he was at my house last night, and my mom called us down to dinner, and told us to wash our hands. While he was busy washing his hands, I decided to go up behind him and slip my hands down the front of his pants.
We ended up taking that a bit further, but we shouldn't have. I shouldn't have, because he didn't want to have done so.
I actually was ranting about this to my best friend today.
She called me a whore.
And told me to cool down.
She was kidding, of course, but I feel like she's right.
I've been acting like a whore.
Ugh.
Saturday, May 23, 2009
Please Stop Whispering Lies in My Ear..
It's Starting To Tickle.
I just had the most heart-wrenching heart-to-heart with my aunt.
My mom's youngest sister.
We all used to hate her.
Thought she was all high and mighty, like she ruled the world.
Couldn't stand her.
I'm at her house right now, and she came up to me, as I was doing my homework earlier. She seemed.. sad. But not really sad.. more thoughtful than anything else.
Anyways, she started off with some small talk, and then looked at me and said "I hope you never forget your roots." I kinda just, looked at her.
She looked back sympathetically and told me how highly she thinks of me. Despite everything she knows I've done... she loves me. She told me how my mother loves me too, even though I put her through hell sometimes.
Apparently, my mom admires me. This means.. so much to me. To hear my aunt tell me this. I couldn't even say anything back. I just started crying. She told me that my mom is proud of me. That she loves how stubborn I am, how tough I try to be. That she loves everything about me.
My aunt then told me how much I remind her of herself when she was younger. I know, the most cliche line in the book. But.. you have no idea how strong it is.. to actually here someone tell you that. I dunno.. it didn't really surprise me. I figured she was like me when she was younger. Like me, just prettier.
My aunt is so gorgeous. Why am I saying this? a) Cause it's true. b) Cause after she told me to "Remember my roots." she proceeded to say, flat out "You're so beautiful." I must have given her the most confused look. To hear this coming from one of the people I consider to be prettier than half the models on TV.. it meant alot. I know.. she has to tell me that she thinks I'm pretty. And I know, she was just saying it to add to her point, but it made me feel good for a minute. I didn't believe it for a second, but it still felt nice.
It ended with both of us in tears, and her telling me that I'm her favourite neice as I tried to wipe away the tears that had made their way down to my chin.
I guess I do love her after all.
I just had the most heart-wrenching heart-to-heart with my aunt.
My mom's youngest sister.
We all used to hate her.
Thought she was all high and mighty, like she ruled the world.
Couldn't stand her.
I'm at her house right now, and she came up to me, as I was doing my homework earlier. She seemed.. sad. But not really sad.. more thoughtful than anything else.
Anyways, she started off with some small talk, and then looked at me and said "I hope you never forget your roots." I kinda just, looked at her.
She looked back sympathetically and told me how highly she thinks of me. Despite everything she knows I've done... she loves me. She told me how my mother loves me too, even though I put her through hell sometimes.
Apparently, my mom admires me. This means.. so much to me. To hear my aunt tell me this. I couldn't even say anything back. I just started crying. She told me that my mom is proud of me. That she loves how stubborn I am, how tough I try to be. That she loves everything about me.
My aunt then told me how much I remind her of herself when she was younger. I know, the most cliche line in the book. But.. you have no idea how strong it is.. to actually here someone tell you that. I dunno.. it didn't really surprise me. I figured she was like me when she was younger. Like me, just prettier.
My aunt is so gorgeous. Why am I saying this? a) Cause it's true. b) Cause after she told me to "Remember my roots." she proceeded to say, flat out "You're so beautiful." I must have given her the most confused look. To hear this coming from one of the people I consider to be prettier than half the models on TV.. it meant alot. I know.. she has to tell me that she thinks I'm pretty. And I know, she was just saying it to add to her point, but it made me feel good for a minute. I didn't believe it for a second, but it still felt nice.
It ended with both of us in tears, and her telling me that I'm her favourite neice as I tried to wipe away the tears that had made their way down to my chin.
I guess I do love her after all.
Hmm.. Is The Answer "I Love You"?
I'm so tempted to write everything that happened last night, but I don't want to get in the habit of writing down every detail of every time we see each other.
It was incredible, I can tell you that.
We met up at my house, walked to Starbucks, then headed back to my house to "watch TV" again.
It was pleasant.
I'm afraid I'm pushing too far though, like, I'm ok with doing anything, but he doesn't want to go too far. He's got this like.. iron self control, and I feel bad breaking it sometimes.
I'm loving everything we're doing.. I love when he kinda, takes control. But I want to give back as much as I get. He keeps giving, doing things that feel good for me, and says that he enjoys it, and won't let me do anything in return. He's all strict about how "I can do anything as long as his pants stay on", which means I can't really do anything.
Well, no.
I can.
But not alot.
Rawr.
I can't believe how much I love being with him.. he's.. addicting.
I actually didn't want him to ever leave when we were together last night.
I need to meet his parents.
It's scary how much I think that they won't like me.
I want to go up to them and say:
"I'm in love with your son. Can he be mine?"
It was incredible, I can tell you that.
We met up at my house, walked to Starbucks, then headed back to my house to "watch TV" again.
It was pleasant.
I'm afraid I'm pushing too far though, like, I'm ok with doing anything, but he doesn't want to go too far. He's got this like.. iron self control, and I feel bad breaking it sometimes.
I'm loving everything we're doing.. I love when he kinda, takes control. But I want to give back as much as I get. He keeps giving, doing things that feel good for me, and says that he enjoys it, and won't let me do anything in return. He's all strict about how "I can do anything as long as his pants stay on", which means I can't really do anything.
Well, no.
I can.
But not alot.
Rawr.
I can't believe how much I love being with him.. he's.. addicting.
I actually didn't want him to ever leave when we were together last night.
I need to meet his parents.
It's scary how much I think that they won't like me.
I want to go up to them and say:
"I'm in love with your son. Can he be mine?"
Let Me Scream Till Your Ears Bleed
Is it absolutely necessary for my parents to yell at each other every day? For there to be some sort of argument, or some sort of fight?
Is that what love is? You see these old, married couples, always bickering, and you think.. is that what I'm signing up for?
My grandma, on my dads side, is coming to Canada this weekend, and she's staying with us for a couple months. My dads all excited, cause he hasn't seen her since his dad died. So he's spending the day cleaning up the house, and would appreciate some help. My mom is only insistent that we leave the house at 4:30, so she can see her sister, who she sees at least twice a week anyways.
Obviously, my dad has a right to be upset with my mom after how she's treating him. Thing is, when I mentioned this to her, she made like she was the victim. Like we were being unfair to her. I thought it was ridiculous.
Is that what love is? You see these old, married couples, always bickering, and you think.. is that what I'm signing up for?
My grandma, on my dads side, is coming to Canada this weekend, and she's staying with us for a couple months. My dads all excited, cause he hasn't seen her since his dad died. So he's spending the day cleaning up the house, and would appreciate some help. My mom is only insistent that we leave the house at 4:30, so she can see her sister, who she sees at least twice a week anyways.
Obviously, my dad has a right to be upset with my mom after how she's treating him. Thing is, when I mentioned this to her, she made like she was the victim. Like we were being unfair to her. I thought it was ridiculous.
I'm So Glad You're You
What else is there to say?
When every word,
And every sound means the
Exact Same Thing
The birds can swim,
And the fish can fly.
The puzzles can solve,
And the solvers can puzzle.
What more can you say?
When the first thought to enter your mind,
Every second of every day is
I hope he's smiling right now.
When every word,
And every sound means the
Exact Same Thing
The birds can swim,
And the fish can fly.
The puzzles can solve,
And the solvers can puzzle.
What more can you say?
When the first thought to enter your mind,
Every second of every day is
I hope he's smiling right now.
..I was working on that, and then I guess I just.. stopped.
No clue why, but whatever.. it sounds like I ended it.. kinda.
Thursday, May 21, 2009
Just Praying to a God That I Don't Believe In
We had a fight last night.
Well, kinda.. it wasn't so much a fight as it was both of us saying stupid stuff and feeling bad about it.
It doesn't matter though, cause we got over it. Then we had our usual late night phone call, where we sat in a comfortable silence the majority of the time. I loved it.
I'm tryng to get more comfrotable telling him "I love you". We've started saying it, yes, it is soon, but it felt right. Hearing him say it anyways. For some reason, it sounds empty, and hollow when I say it. I'm working on it, practicing.
I'm also learning how to knit. Just thought I would share that with you.
My friend wanted to learn to knit so he could make a sweater for his girlfriend, but he gave up and I thought I would give it a try. I suck at it.
I can't wait for this weekend. I get to see him again.
Well, kinda.. it wasn't so much a fight as it was both of us saying stupid stuff and feeling bad about it.
It doesn't matter though, cause we got over it. Then we had our usual late night phone call, where we sat in a comfortable silence the majority of the time. I loved it.
I'm tryng to get more comfrotable telling him "I love you". We've started saying it, yes, it is soon, but it felt right. Hearing him say it anyways. For some reason, it sounds empty, and hollow when I say it. I'm working on it, practicing.
I'm also learning how to knit. Just thought I would share that with you.
My friend wanted to learn to knit so he could make a sweater for his girlfriend, but he gave up and I thought I would give it a try. I suck at it.
I can't wait for this weekend. I get to see him again.
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
When a Heart Breaks, No it Don't Break Even
And the secret is out.
We ended our conversation with the L word last night.
Both of us.
To each other.
"What am I supposed to do when the best part of me was always you?"
Title and lyrics courtesy of
The Script- Breakeven
We ended our conversation with the L word last night.
Both of us.
To each other.
"What am I supposed to do when the best part of me was always you?"
Title and lyrics courtesy of
The Script- Breakeven
Monday, May 18, 2009
Raw and Unedited Thoughts
he liked feeling me up.
he wanted to take off my bra.
i love the feeling of his lips on my neck.
i could've orgasmed from that alone.
i need to find out what he likes.. and soon.
i don't like that he knows my weakness and i dont know his. arg.
I don't remember when I wrote that.. probably the night of. He told me one of the things he likes. The ear. Excellent.
I felt like a total bitch today though. I don't know whats wrong with me, I just felt so.. insensitive. We got into our first argument today. I didn't like it. I liked that he was speaking openly with me, but it felt weird to tell him how I felt about some of the stuff. Like, I didn't mind talking to him about it, I was just scared that he would judge me based on what I was saying. So, I decided to end it with a simple "That's your opinion."
Oh my goodness, forgot to mention. My best friend MIGHT be pregnant. We highly doubt it, but it's possible. We want to wait to see if she gets her period this month, if she doesn't we'll get her to do a pregnancy test. I'm sure it's nothing. She's just worried cause they didn't use a condom and she's been feeling kinda sick lately. I'm sure it's fine. I hope.
One last thing: I feel bad. I've been pushing the whole physical thing with him so much that I'm practically insistent on it now. All this after having promised to back off a bit.
Ughhh. I will back off. I will stop pushing it. I'm going to let him go at his own pace.
Or try to.
he wanted to take off my bra.
i love the feeling of his lips on my neck.
i could've orgasmed from that alone.
i need to find out what he likes.. and soon.
i don't like that he knows my weakness and i dont know his. arg.
I don't remember when I wrote that.. probably the night of. He told me one of the things he likes. The ear. Excellent.
I felt like a total bitch today though. I don't know whats wrong with me, I just felt so.. insensitive. We got into our first argument today. I didn't like it. I liked that he was speaking openly with me, but it felt weird to tell him how I felt about some of the stuff. Like, I didn't mind talking to him about it, I was just scared that he would judge me based on what I was saying. So, I decided to end it with a simple "That's your opinion."
Oh my goodness, forgot to mention. My best friend MIGHT be pregnant. We highly doubt it, but it's possible. We want to wait to see if she gets her period this month, if she doesn't we'll get her to do a pregnancy test. I'm sure it's nothing. She's just worried cause they didn't use a condom and she's been feeling kinda sick lately. I'm sure it's fine. I hope.
One last thing: I feel bad. I've been pushing the whole physical thing with him so much that I'm practically insistent on it now. All this after having promised to back off a bit.
Ughhh. I will back off. I will stop pushing it. I'm going to let him go at his own pace.
Or try to.
The L Word
He said the L word.
He said the L word.
He said the L word.
I didn't say the L word.
He said the L word.
I secretly L worded it.
I love you too.
He said the L word.
He said the L word.
I didn't say the L word.
He said the L word.
I secretly L worded it.
I love you too.
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