One Night In Vegas

Goodness gracious.. I haven't written in what feels like FOREVER!!
I wanted to write all about prom the night of, but I was so exhausted that I just went straight to bed. and then when he called, I fell asleep at the phone at least three times.
Well, to sum it up, prom was incredible. I went with one of my grade 12 friends as his "date" and I'm afreiad he may have forgotten that I have a boyfriend. I may be reading this too much, I mean, it may just be that he was having a good time, but I can't help but feel weird about it. It's hard to explain what I'm trying to say, I guess I just thought he seemed really.. protective? Or something. But not just protective, just really into it. When we were all dancing, everyone was grinding, and at first me and him weren't.. but then it got really crowded on the dancefloor and we were pushed against each other and it was like.. whatever.. no big deal, we're just dancing, right? Then he put his hands on my waist, and it was still like, whatever. I got kinda weirded out so I decided I needed air and went out onto the balcony for a bit and called him up. We had a nice little five minute chat before he sent me back to the party. I headed back in and decided to find my best friend and ask her if her "date" was being as.. physical.. with her. I find her grinding with this other guy that she had had a physical relationship with before. I look at her, and pull her over, remind her that she's got a boyfriend.. who probably wouldn't approve of her dancing with a guy thats got his hands grabbing her ass. She just laughed it off and said they were just dancing. That bugged me a bit, but I let it slide.. it's prom after all. Hahahahah, what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. (The theme was "One Night In Vegas")
Another thing was when we were slow dancing. I could feel my "date" smelling my hair, and I was scared he was gonna lean in for a kiss, so I tried to keep my face in his shoulder the whole time. He kept telling me how he was having such a great time and I felt really bad, cause I kept trying to ditch him so I could dance with other people. About two hours in, I had thrown caution to the wind and was dancing like a madwoman, I had so much energy that I was practically bouncing off the walls.
The one downer during the night was during dinner, when the waitress managed to drop a plate of hot food (steak, chicken and vegetables.. all covered in gravy) on my back. It wasn't that bad, and I felt really bad for the waitress, and it was an understandable mistake, so I tried to calm her down a bit while my friends tried to get some of the food off of me. The waitress just kept apologizing and I just really wanted to get to the bathroom.. the food had been hot. I felt so bad because it wasn't even my dress, and it now smells like gravy.

That was my thursday night, and it was a blast and a half. Then, on friday, I didn't go to school, I stayed home and slept and watched a movie. After his school ended he headed over and my dad had (what I thought to be) a very awkward and unnecessary talk with him. All about his morals and how he was brought up. Bleh.
We went upstairs and were fooling around a bit.. and he fingered me. It was incredible, but I was confused, and I was trying to stop him... I had thought he didn't want to go that far.
I guess it didn't occur to me that he would want something as well, I was so out of it that I didn't reealize that I was only taking. I think it's because I'm not used to getting, I'm usually the one that's giving, and so it was.. different. But nice different.

At around 6, his mum came and picked us up from my house to take us to his friend's house. She was having a potluck and graciously extended his invitation to include me.
It was awkward at first, but I think it was alright after.. I was enjoying myself. It was very different from the parties I'm used to. First of all, it was completely clean. No drinks, no drugs, no sex, no one passed out on the floor.. it was very clean. Second, it seemed that it wasn't just one group. It was a bunch of different groups merged into one. Like, for the parties I'm used to, it's generally just the stoners. This party was a mix of people from all different cliques. It was nice to see.

I left early, about an hour before everyone else, and I wanted to get hugs from everyone, but they all looked so comfrotable on the couches that I didn't have the heart to get them up.
I just hope everyone liked me.. or at least didn't hate me.

This Night's a Perfect Shade

Fuck.
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

I hate myself soo much right now. Like, honestly, way to go. Way to totally be a bitch and ignore the constant thing inside you telling you that he wants to wait.
Yeah. Nice going.
Moron.

Right, so, uhmm.. I feel really bad. I was under the impression that my boyfriend was reallly.. in control of himself. And was capable of stopping himself where he wanted to stop. So I figured that, being myself (thus not particularly attractive) there was no harm in me stupidly being very.. open. Couldn't think of a better word. Baisically, I've been, like, forcing? Or pushing? Or insisiting.. that we go further. Even if I don't actually say anything, I still do things that push forward our physical relationship.
For example, he was at my house last night, and my mom called us down to dinner, and told us to wash our hands. While he was busy washing his hands, I decided to go up behind him and slip my hands down the front of his pants.
We ended up taking that a bit further, but we shouldn't have. I shouldn't have, because he didn't want to have done so.
I actually was ranting about this to my best friend today.
She called me a whore.
And told me to cool down.
She was kidding, of course, but I feel like she's right.
I've been acting like a whore.

Ugh.

Please Stop Whispering Lies in My Ear..

It's Starting To Tickle.

I just had the most heart-wrenching heart-to-heart with my aunt.
My mom's youngest sister.
We all used to hate her.
Thought she was all high and mighty, like she ruled the world.
Couldn't stand her.

I'm at her house right now, and she came up to me, as I was doing my homework earlier. She seemed.. sad. But not really sad.. more thoughtful than anything else.
Anyways, she started off with some small talk, and then looked at me and said "I hope you never forget your roots." I kinda just, looked at her.

She looked back sympathetically and told me how highly she thinks of me. Despite everything she knows I've done... she loves me. She told me how my mother loves me too, even though I put her through hell sometimes.

Apparently, my mom admires me. This means.. so much to me. To hear my aunt tell me this. I couldn't even say anything back. I just started crying. She told me that my mom is proud of me. That she loves how stubborn I am, how tough I try to be. That she loves everything about me.
My aunt then told me how much I remind her of herself when she was younger. I know, the most cliche line in the book. But.. you have no idea how strong it is.. to actually here someone tell you that. I dunno.. it didn't really surprise me. I figured she was like me when she was younger. Like me, just prettier.

My aunt is so gorgeous. Why am I saying this? a) Cause it's true. b) Cause after she told me to "Remember my roots." she proceeded to say, flat out "You're so beautiful." I must have given her the most confused look. To hear this coming from one of the people I consider to be prettier than half the models on TV.. it meant alot. I know.. she has to tell me that she thinks I'm pretty. And I know, she was just saying it to add to her point, but it made me feel good for a minute. I didn't believe it for a second, but it still felt nice.

It ended with both of us in tears, and her telling me that I'm her favourite neice as I tried to wipe away the tears that had made their way down to my chin.


I guess I do love her after all.

Hmm.. Is The Answer "I Love You"?

I'm so tempted to write everything that happened last night, but I don't want to get in the habit of writing down every detail of every time we see each other.
It was incredible, I can tell you that.
We met up at my house, walked to Starbucks, then headed back to my house to "watch TV" again.
It was pleasant.

I'm afraid I'm pushing too far though, like, I'm ok with doing anything, but he doesn't want to go too far. He's got this like.. iron self control, and I feel bad breaking it sometimes.

I'm loving everything we're doing.. I love when he kinda, takes control. But I want to give back as much as I get. He keeps giving, doing things that feel good for me, and says that he enjoys it, and won't let me do anything in return. He's all strict about how "I can do anything as long as his pants stay on", which means I can't really do anything.
Well, no.
I can.
But not alot.
Rawr.

I can't believe how much I love being with him.. he's.. addicting.
I actually didn't want him to ever leave when we were together last night.

I need to meet his parents.
It's scary how much I think that they won't like me.
I want to go up to them and say:
"I'm in love with your son. Can he be mine?"

Let Me Scream Till Your Ears Bleed

Is it absolutely necessary for my parents to yell at each other every day? For there to be some sort of argument, or some sort of fight?

Is that what love is? You see these old, married couples, always bickering, and you think.. is that what I'm signing up for?

My grandma, on my dads side, is coming to Canada this weekend, and she's staying with us for a couple months. My dads all excited, cause he hasn't seen her since his dad died. So he's spending the day cleaning up the house, and would appreciate some help. My mom is only insistent that we leave the house at 4:30, so she can see her sister, who she sees at least twice a week anyways.

Obviously, my dad has a right to be upset with my mom after how she's treating him. Thing is, when I mentioned this to her, she made like she was the victim. Like we were being unfair to her. I thought it was ridiculous.

I'm So Glad You're You

What else is there to say?
When every word,
And every sound means the
Exact Same Thing

The birds can swim,
And the fish can fly.

The puzzles can solve,
And the solvers can puzzle.


What more can you say?
When the first thought to enter your mind,
Every second of every day is
I hope he's smiling right now.

..I was working on that, and then I guess I just.. stopped.
No clue why, but whatever.. it sounds like I ended it.. kinda.

Just Praying to a God That I Don't Believe In

We had a fight last night.
Well, kinda.. it wasn't so much a fight as it was both of us saying stupid stuff and feeling bad about it.
It doesn't matter though, cause we got over it. Then we had our usual late night phone call, where we sat in a comfortable silence the majority of the time. I loved it.

I'm tryng to get more comfrotable telling him "I love you". We've started saying it, yes, it is soon, but it felt right. Hearing him say it anyways. For some reason, it sounds empty, and hollow when I say it. I'm working on it, practicing.

I'm also learning how to knit. Just thought I would share that with you.
My friend wanted to learn to knit so he could make a sweater for his girlfriend, but he gave up and I thought I would give it a try. I suck at it.

I can't wait for this weekend. I get to see him again.

When a Heart Breaks, No it Don't Break Even

And the secret is out.
We ended our conversation with the L word last night.
Both of us.
To each other.

"What am I supposed to do when the best part of me was always you?"

Title and lyrics courtesy of
The Script- Breakeven

Raw and Unedited Thoughts

he liked feeling me up.
he wanted to take off my bra.
i love the feeling of his lips on my neck.
i could've orgasmed from that alone.
i need to find out what he likes.. and soon.
i don't like that he knows my weakness and i dont know his. arg.

I don't remember when I wrote that.. probably the night of. He told me one of the things he likes. The ear. Excellent.
I felt like a total bitch today though. I don't know whats wrong with me, I just felt so.. insensitive. We got into our first argument today. I didn't like it. I liked that he was speaking openly with me, but it felt weird to tell him how I felt about some of the stuff. Like, I didn't mind talking to him about it, I was just scared that he would judge me based on what I was saying. So, I decided to end it with a simple "That's your opinion."

Oh my goodness, forgot to mention. My best friend MIGHT be pregnant. We highly doubt it, but it's possible. We want to wait to see if she gets her period this month, if she doesn't we'll get her to do a pregnancy test. I'm sure it's nothing. She's just worried cause they didn't use a condom and she's been feeling kinda sick lately. I'm sure it's fine. I hope.

One last thing: I feel bad. I've been pushing the whole physical thing with him so much that I'm practically insistent on it now. All this after having promised to back off a bit.
Ughhh. I will back off. I will stop pushing it. I'm going to let him go at his own pace.

Or try to.

The L Word

He said the L word.
He said the L word.
He said the L word.
I didn't say the L word.
He said the L word.



I secretly L worded it.
I love you too.

What Do You Do When The Glue Doesn't Stick?

He met my family...
Like, not just my parents, but also my aunts, uncle, grandma, cousins, parents and sister.
Sure, that's not my WHOLE family, but it's a fairly large number of people. Meanwhile, his mom apparently doesn't like me.. seeing as she hasn't met me. His dad has accepted that he has a girlfriend, but has apparently heard some rumour about me, and his sister.. I don't know what she thinks of me.

Besides that, I've been enjoying this weekend very much so far. I saw him on the friday, then on the saturday as well. It was beautiful. We went to see a movie (which he keeps paying for. the first time he said that his sister paid, and then this time he paid and wouldn't let me pay him back. It's sweet I guess, and I don't mind. but I feel bad. I'll start getting places early and paying before he gets there :D), and then my mom invited him to my aunt's house.
We spent a nice chunk of our time there in my cousins room, on the couch, with the lights out. I totally love it, but I'm kinda scared that we're spending too much time like that. We didn't have a full conversation together the entire time we were there. I don't mind, I talk to him plenty, but I'm scared that we're going to be dependent on the physical aspect of the relationship, and that's not a very sturdy base. Part of me doesn't care, because I love it so much. The other part of me is yelling at me to take it more slowly (I am convinced that the latter part of me has been influenced a great deal by him, hopefully the other part of me is influencing him just as much).

I was scared he was mad at me last night. I'm pretty sure I was just being stupid, and that theres no reason for me to think that, but it didn't stop me from thinking it last night. I don't even remember why I thought he was mad.

I'm kinda pissed at myself. I had a really great poem being made up in my head last night, but I was too tired to write it down. Now I can't remember it. Rawr.

Wanted to write about something else as well, but I can't think of anything worth recording, so I'll just end this... here.

Don't Make Me Come Down There

Oh My Goodness.

I've been meaning to sit and right this entry since last night, but my parents kicked me off the computer, then I had swim practice in the morning and fell asleep afterwards, when I got home, till about.. now.
Alright, I know this entry is gonig to be kinda "all over the place" but I just want to write everything down, before I forget, which I hope I don't. Ever.

So, last night, I was on a date with him. We went to this coffee shop type food place and we sat around there for a couple hours. The plan was to have some food there, then go over to his friend's house so I could a) meet the friend, b) get approval from the friend, and c) hang out with him and the friend. But because my parents were.. arg.. and because my boyfriend decided to side with my parents, that didn't happen. Which was kinda lame, but urned out alright anyways.
Our time at the food place was pretty funny. I had had some food before leaving the house, so I wasn't hungry. However, he was intent on being gentlemanly, so he wanted me to eat something with him. While he was ordering, he ordered something with bacon on it, something I don't eat. He kept insisting that I eat something, so after I noticed what he ordered, I said fine. He also got a hot chocolate, with whipped cream on top. We got th ehot chocolate, and sat at our table waiting for food. I dipped my finger in the whipped cream, and offered him the finger, then had some myself. By the time the whipped cream was done, the food was there. He offered me some, and I laughed. "Nope. Can't eat bacon :)". He got slightly pissed at himself, but I was laughing so much that I guess it made him laugh as well. He ate his food, while we shared the hot chocolate (that I had said I wasn't going to touch.. so much for self control).

So, after food, we decided to walk, very slowly, towards my house. It was really nice, we were holding hands and listening to his music. Very pleasant. Then, although I did see it coming, he decided to "surprise" me and gave me his lip virginity (he gave me his first kiss). I was like.. AWWWWW!! and we continued walking. Very happily.

We passed by one of my friend's streets, so we decided to stop and say hello, thus introducing him to another of my friends. Apparently, it was awkward. But I don't think so, so meh.
We finally got to my house, and he immediately won over my parents. My mom loved him, and my dad acknowledged him, so that was good.
For some unkown reason, my parents decided to be ok with us being upstairs, alone. They were all downstairs, watching a movie, so me and him went into the guest room (which we call "the toy room"), turned on the TV, and proceeded to make out. He was determined to find me a "first", something he would be the first to do with me, and settled on being my first "spiderman kiss". This consisted of him lying on the bed, on his back, his head dangling over the side, and me kissing him, while on the floor, facing him. It was interesting.

Haha, I had a bit of fun teasing him too. I would put my face really close to him, like I was going to kiss him, and he would come in for a kiss and I would move away. I would laugh, he would pout, then he would do the same thing to me.

I felt kinda bad, because I kinda turned him on. Alot. And because he is insistent on taking it slowly, I couldn't really help him out at all. Granted, I wasn't making it any easier either, I straddled him at one point, made him grab my boob at another point and periodically tried to slip my hand down his pants. It was amusing.
Oddly enough, he turned me on as well. I don't know why that would be odd, but it's just.. him. He's such an innocent type of guy, I was kinda surprised when I noticed that I was just as aroused as he was. I think it was the neck thing that did it. It seems that my neck and ear are more sensitive then my lips. I loved when he would kiss my neck, or bite my ear. Even when he would just hug me from behind, and it lead to him breathing on my neck, it turned me on. Mmmmm.
I didn't want him to leave, but he had to eventually, at around 11 his sister came to pick him up. We were still upstairs, and spent a good five minutes saying goodbye. This consisted of more kissing (which, as it turns out, is easier for us to do while we're lying down, cause of the height difference) and hugging, while I was standing on the tips of my toes.

I can't wait to see him again :)

I Am... Nothing?

What Am I?

I am the whispering of the grass,
The caw of the lost crow.

I am the shudder of the frame,
When you're anger is directed to the door.

I am the long forgotten promise,
The wish upon a star.

I am the burnt up letter,
The one that was never to be sent.

I am the ash from your cigarette,
The one you swore would never be lit.

I am the telephone you cradle on your shoulder,
The one you stare at waiting for a call.

I am the tips of the fingers you dream about,
The ones that wiped away your tears.

I am the hug you long for,
The kiss you depend on.

I am the arms that enfold you,
The lips that caress.

I am the dream that faded,
The one that remains.

I am the worn out blanket,
The one that protected you from the dark.

I am the tear-stained pillow,
The well worn book.

I am the broken headphones,
The ripped collage.

I am the thoughts in your head,
The water in your cup.

I am your band-aid, I am your crutch,
I will always be there,
For the single moment,
The one moment you realize,
You need me.

I need you too.

Without you,

I am nothing.

Arbitrary Thoughts Tend to Spell Incoherent

So what if the rain never falls,
or if the clouds turn to gray?
So long as your by my side,
The demons hide away.
I turn and stare,
And all I see is the passing by
Of past lies and hurtful words.
But it doesn't matter anymore.
Because even teddy bears
Can only take so much
Before they overflow.
They no longer hold
And so I look to you instead.
None of it matters anymore.


I tell myself daily.

Am I Really the Only One in the World?

No. I'm not.

But he makes me feel like I am. Like theres no one else who is of any importance whatsoever. I love it... and him. But I don't want to say that yet. It's too soon, and all I know for sure is that it's more then "like"... does that mean it's love??

Moving on.. I had an incredible swim practice today. We spent the whole two hours that we were supposed to be swimming just talking. About everything and anything. It was awsomeness. I started talking about him and how I couldn't wait for them all to meet him, and my coach got all excited and was like "I can't wait to see the guy that's making you so happy!" and I was like "AWW!!" and we hugged and ran off into the sunset.

No.
Not really.
But close enough.

Uhmm, despite the fact that already, all I've wrote was about him, I still have one extra tidbit of writing about him then I'll move on.
Turns out, my boyfriend doesn't know anything about being turned on. You don't get the urge to TICKLE someone when they tease you. You get the urge to do SOMETHING to them.. or with them, not tickle them.
Gosh darn it.
Figures, it's just my luck that I find a guy that respects me.
Shiesh.

Uhmm.. I was gonna say something else, but I forget what it was.. and it probably wasn't that important anyways because it was just going to be an attempt at me thinking of something other than him. Which isn't that interesting. So meh.

No Matter How Many Times You Ask That Question, The Answer Remains The Same

"What started that fight?"
"You being you, which lead to me being the me I am when you're the you that I don't like."
"WATCH YOUR MOUTH!"

I don't like her. No, I detest her. She disgusts me. She makes me hate my life. She makes me hate her. And for the dumbest reasons too.

Meh. Whatever. We apologized and hugged an were happy. Ish.

Moving on. I am a horrible girlfriend. Like, terrible. Me and my BOYFRIEND (I love saying that now:P) talk every night, on the phone, at around 1ish.. till whenever. I was supposed to call him last night, after my parents fell asleep. I forgot. And proceeded to fall asleep. Only to get a call at 2:30, from my boyfriend, who was curious as to why I didn't call. I felt really bad and was apologizing and all that, and it was whatever. We get into our conversation, and I manage to fall asleep. While we're talking. About a half hour into the conversation and I'm out cold. He didn't notice at first, but then realized I was asleep and proceeded to tell me things he apparently can't tell me while I'm conscious. He then hung up and went to bed.
I woke up at 6:30, realized my phone was still on, and figured I must have fallen asleep during our midnight chat. Without thinking, I call him. At 6:30. In the morning. "Mmm.. mhmm uhm, ello?" "GOOD MORNING!!". It was funny. But horrible. And I felt REALLY bad. So I spent a good 10 minutes talking to him then, the majority of the conversation being "I am really really sorry. I don't know why I was so tired. I'm sorry!" Being the incredible boyfriend he is, he just kept telling me that it's fine, don't worry, no big deal, etc. I still felt really bad. Hmph.

Ew, I had a four hour exam today. Disgusting. We had to write THREE fucking essays. In two hours. Ugh. Bleh. Yeah.. then there were a bunch of other random parts to it. It was horrible.
Hahaha, and, I fail at being pierced. I was really bored a couple nights ago and started playing with my belly button ring, and I took it out, and I somehow managed to kill the ring so that it didn't close properly anymore, leading to it constantly falling out. Luckily, my best friend had an extra from when she got hers done so I just took that from her. And proceeded to replace my own in the middle of the school hallway. With my friends staring at me. "EWWWW.. " and making fun of me for struggling to get the ring through my skin.
Yes, I fail.
Epically.

Quantity Owns Quality Anyways

“Why Hello there” I say to the constellations above. I feel light and blissful as the stars each take a hold of my joints. Gently, they lift me up and we float to the moon. I look around as Orion waves hello. The glittering stars blink and the satellites in the atmosphere disintegrate… they cease to exist as I float happily. My simple flight ends quickly as my feet touch the surface of the moon. In the distance I see a figure, seated at a round table. She peels an apple and cores it too. As I approach, she offers me both the single strand of apple peel and the discarded core. I am touched, as it is an honor to receive any kind of gift from a being who is seated lonely at a round table. Or so I have been told. The moment my fingers connect with the remains of the apple, I start and sit up in my bed. I seem to be awake, and yet, the apple peel is in my hand.

In case you haven't noticed.. I'm just posting a bunch of stuff I had written down from before, cause I didn't get around to posting them when I actually wrote them.

Wait, You Expect Me to Pause?

Breath breathes
Think thoughts
Sing songs
Drink drinks
Light lights
Love lovers
Cut cuts
Bleed blood
Live life
Pause,
Savor death

If You Promise Not to Tell

I stared into my mirror today.
I had a question, and was looking for my answer.
It makes no sense to me, of all people,
Why was I the one that fit?

I'm happy right now, and I want to try to write it down as I would before knowing that someone was reading this. It would be easier if I didn't know he was reading.
Not that it really changes anything, I only have good things to say.
Granted, it will probably increase his already huge ego, which is never a good thing.
Point is, I'm pretty sure I'm in love, and it's bugging me cause I shouldn't let myself think of it as love. Not yet anyways. It's just, everytime I think of him, or talk to him, or hear someone call his name, I get all giddy and bubbly. When I'm talking to him, I'm just content to listen to him breathe. Which kinda scares me, cause I feel like I'm dependant on him now. I actually start feeling depressed if I don't talk to him for a little while. It's getting to be ridiculous, and I've only known him for about... four weeks? If even.
I'm pathetic. I've been craving his texts and phone calls. No matter what he says, it always has some dramatic emotion attached to it. He can say the tiniest thing, and I'll feel like I'm plummeting off of a very tall building, then he'll say how he's kidding and it's like the wind magically caught me and kept me from falling apart.
I want to stop talking about him, and stop thinking about him so much, but I don't know how to now. Doesn't help that he told me last night how possible it is that it's all just pretend. Hard to explain, but baisically means that he doesn't know who he is yet, or something along those lines, so it's possible he's just being the flirt he knows he is.

Kay, stoppng now.
I still have my life, aside from him. There's still school, and my best friends (who I think are getting tired of hearing about him), and (my favourite of all *rolls eyes*) my parents. No, that was unfair. They are tough to deal with, but I think they're trying to make it a bit easier on me. Kinda, sorta.
RAWR. School. Ughhh, I swear the teachers just want us all to fail so they can laugh in our faces. All of my classes have decided to give me at least one major project to be done by the end of the month, and there are a couple tests (and exams) scattered here and there.
I was working on a writer's craft assignement, we had to write a short story, about 2000 words. Being me, I left it to the last minute, and finished it the night after it was due. Being me, I failed at saving my document, and now have to write the whole thing all over again. The worst part is that I BSed the entire thing, so I can't even say "Oh, I remember what I wrote, I can just rewrite it!" because I don't. FML.

Death Sentence Allure

I know.. the whole media influence on society is a really well known topic, often discussed, and often ridiculed. But i wrote this poem and it's.. different. I dunno, it's kinda more harsh then I wanted it to be, but it works.. kinda.

And the Media strikes again.
How many more will succumb to it’s allure?
“I can be like that”, but they never will
Because “that” doesn’t exist.
Stick figure turn-ons and stuffed lingerie.
Exfoliaters and diets and pills and drugs
The innocent are converted.
Blush and rouge and liner and shadow
Pretty colours and tight clothes take a girl far.
Far from what she wanted to be,
So many years ago.
Hypocrites nod their heads, they agree.