What If God Was One of Us

Kay, so, kinda going off the beaten path here, but I'm in English class right now and we're reading Frankenstein, and I was just kinda hit with this idea that really interested me. I don't know if anyone reading this has necessarily read Frankenstein, but it's a great book (so far, I haven't finished it yet) and it's all about this guy who creates a creature, who he's immediately repulsed by, and runs away from. This poor creature ends up trying to figure out life for himself, but is constantly rejected by human society, so he responds by wreaking havoc and attempting to get revenge on his "creator" by killing all that are dear to him (the creator, Victor). I was just thinking how this totally relates to human life. I mean, Victor is kinda like our God, he's created life, and has left this life from to fend for itself. That's not where I was going with this, because I don't think that God left us here due to fear or lack of responsibility, nonono, however, what I was going for was that, this book reminds me of this song, "What if God was one of Us". Again, if you haven't heard the song, it's all about if God was living among us, would we accept it, would we take note of it, how would we treat Him, etc. And reading this book, it kinda struck me that, the way both Victor and his creature are treated are a great reflection of how unaccepting we as people are. How we lack compassion. I mean, do you really think anyone would accept as strange a creature as Frankenstein's monster? Or, how do you think we'd respond to a "creator" figure? We wouldn't accept him. We wouldn't believe him. AND YET so many people believe in this "supernatural", immortal, and divine God. We can't see Him. We can't have a conversation with Him, and yet, we accept him. Yes, I realize that not everyone believes in God, and I'm not forcing a belief of God or religion onto you. Not at all, I'm just kinda observing. I find it quite fascinating. Plus, I myself don't really follow any religion, and even my opinion on the existence of God is ever changing. So I'm not suggesting that there IS a God, there may or may not be. I'm just taking note of how interesting we are as human beings.

At Least Out Loud

Yeah, yeah, I know, it's been a whole week, or so, and I haven't written. I don't know, I mean, stuffs been going on, I just don't have the heart, or the patience to write it all down. That's not to say it's all bad, it's just, nothing really exciting, I suppose. Nothing worth mentioning. Much like the majority of my previous blogs, random nonsense about this drama and that.

Just, living.

I wrote a midterm today, philosophy. I finished a half hour early. I'm hoping I did well, but we'll see, I guess.

I just used the word "I" 5 times in that sentence. Displeased.

Anywho, I've totally forgotten what I was going to ramble about. Uhm, I'm talking with one of my new friends, who I've yet to give a nickname to, but it's the guy I met when I hacked gingers account. We might get to see each other for the first time next week, cause that's when reading week starts and we all get time to chill (and study).

Other than that, my cousin is as big a creep as ever. No, not the stupid cousin who's screwing with her parents, no, this one's been a creep since I first met him. The one who'd convince me that he just wanted to give me a foot massage each time I was at his house, who convinced me not to tell the parents about it, who still talks to me about his foot fetish, and how he likes my feet, and how his girlfriend's feet just won't do it for him, who will inform me of his masturbation habits while asking about my sex/love life. Yeah, that one. Well, he too wants to see me when I visit over the break. Honestly, I'm kinda scared to hang out with him. I mean, sure, I'm stronger and smarter than when the whole secret foot thing was going on, but I just don't know how I'm supposed to deal with him.

Kay, I got bored of writing this post like, two hours ago. Literally.

I'm just gonna stop.

Tata for now.

Nothing Really Matters

It's kinda sad, the direction our friendship has turned. We used to all go out together, random movie nights, dinners, whatever. Now, theres no more of that. I don't remember the last time all of us went to see a movie. Sure, occasionally, a group of the majority of us will get together to eat at the caf, but that's the extent of it. I hardly hang out with blondie any more, except the occasional friday, mainly because she's always got her date nights. I've practically stopped talking with tall white boy (due to our juvenile conflict), and I only sometimes see V. The brit and I get food more often than not, but it's still not much, same with me and the asian ottawaian. Again, we see each other, but we don't go out. At all. It makes me sad.

On the other hand, I am making some great new friends. Like, today, my english class was cancelled, so I went out for coffee with a couple people from my queer film course. They're really great, those artsy involved type people. It's really great having intellectual conversation with people, I seldom get to do it with a lot of my friends. Most people just don't have much to say about things like silence, or the lack of diversity in sociology courses (a couple of the topics we brooded on during coffee). Speaking of new friends, theres also the girl from my english class who I've gotten to be friends with. I absolutely adore hanging out with her. I mean, she's kinda intimidating, but I respect her so much for being a "real person". We have alot in common, and I feel like we're going to be hanging out alot more. She came over friday night to help me dye my hair (yeah, I decided to bleach it, but more on that after this) and then we went for bubble tea and from there went to her place for light conversation, and then tarot cards. Yeah, random, but great fun. We got to know each other and talked about all our stories and experiences and religious and philosophical beliefs. It was brilliant.

Right, so the bleached hair. Uhm, I've got naturally brown hair, dark brownish, I suppose. But I like dying it black, or dark, or whatever. But I've never done it lighter. So on friday, me and blondie went to the mall and she wanted to get some dye to lighten her color, and as I was standing in front of this box of bleach, I decided I wanted to be blonde. I bought it, went home and proceeded to dying my hair. It turned out well enough, I think. I'm quite fond of the look, except that my eyebrows are now invisible and I have to color them in, and also, my roots are actually blonde while my hair is kinda... caramelish. I dunno, I mean, I'm not blonde or anything, just kinda a really light brown. Meh, I like it, so it's good. And it's really funny each time I look in a mirror, or see my reflection in a window, I keep having to d0uble check to make sure it's still me :P

Your Hair Was Long, When We First Met

Hardcore chills last night, no sleep, and current desperation for cigs. Thus, morning writing. Or attempt at writing.

Uhm, right, so after womens studies, the brit came to chill with me in my room cause we got pizza and I wanted to steal movies from him. However, because theres this guy who's interested in him, he wasn't going to stay long, they had been planning to hang out. But the new love interest (NLI) ended coming to chill with us in my room, and then, I don't know why, or how he knew we were all hanging out in my room, but my other gay friend, brit's ex bf, also came and joined us. So it was me and 3 gay guys, and my friend who we're all pretty sure to be gay. It was alot of fun and all, but they were alot to handle. Very, energetic. And highly entertaining. We danced for a while, and I use the term "dance" loosely, it was more them rubbing against me and abusing me *sigh*, lol, but it was entertaining, and fairly intriguing. I mean, I'd not had much exposure to the queer community before uni started, I mean, I considered myself bi, but it didn't mean much. Suddenly, I'm taking womens studies and queer film course. It's alot to absorb. But yeah, I'd had like, 1 or 2 gay friends through highschool, and last night, when I started thinking about it, it was like I was suddenly enlightened. I'm not going to go into detail about that, mainly because I don't know how to explain what I mean, and even if I did, I fear I'd say it wrong.

Anywho, after all the dancing, we decided to chill around, talk, and then later played pool till 4 am, and then decided to watch Moulin Rouge, because one of them hadn't seen it and apparently you can't call yourself gay if there are certain movies you haven't seen.

Ended up going to bed at 7 am, and got all of maybe 4 hours of sleep? And now I want to go shower and go get my smokes.

So tata for now XD.

Blood Market, Love Market

Love will be the death of me
Love is so fickle
Cause it starts with a flood
And it ends with a tr-tr-tr-tr-tr-tr-tr-tr-tr-trickle

Isn't Regina Spektor the greatest? *Sigh* lovee.

Uhm, nothing new and exciting to report, just, as I was walking to class today, Regina was serenading me through my earphones and these lyrics in particular really stuck with me.

Wizard Swears

We're saying magical naughty words!

My grandmother forbids me from using raunchy language.

Well you're grandmother is a blast ended skank!

He doesn't mean it Neville, he's just trying out wizard swears.

I mean every word I ever say, ever, because I'm Harry Potter.

Dumbledore, you're obscenely old, right?

Why yes.
Well do you know any super ancient, lost to the ages, archaic, olden time wizard swears?

There is one, the Elder Swear.

Your mother is a beep beep beep ing beep lora nimson beep beep agnitem verium beep beep beep tragula beep beep beep beep beep beep hippopotamus beep beep beep beep beep beep republican beep beep beep and Danial Radcliff beep beep beep beep with a bucket of beep beep beep beep beep in a castle far far away where no one can hear you beep beep beep beep beep soup beep beep beep with a bucket of beep beep mickey mouse beep beep and a stick of dynamite beep beep beep beep beep magical beep beep beep beep beep alakazam!

Woooow.

Anyone Up For Some Cult?

I'm slightly considered that my roommate may be part of some cult, or that she may be some religious extremist. She's on the phone with her.. friend? (not sure who it is) and is currently saying something about a land mine being planted somewhere, and how she has to put herself in the middle of the game. Apparently theres some big scandal or something between her and this church, and her mum is all "emotionally disturbed", and keeps mentioning the dignity of her family, and that of the church, and I have no idea what is going on. She wants to know the truth, and needs to be on the side of God and Truth.

I'm not even exaggerating, these words are coming out of her mouth as a type them.

Honest, I don't want to insult her, or mock her or anything, but I'm genuinely concerned.

"Women's Studies Notes"

My Brit friend decided to join me to my WS class one day. It was really great and we spent the entire class joking around and feeling utterly fascinated, while also making really "bad" feminist jokes as his "notes". He decided to put these on FB, and tagged me in them. I started getting all the really nasty "WSs is a joke" comments, and started to get pissed. This lead to me commenting, and then getting into a "fight" with this girl who was being kinda bitchy about the matter. Ottawaian blondie and my other friend started being mean to bitchy girl in my defense. My brit friend noticed what was going on and decided to give this incredible little speech. I had to share it: (I've replaced names :))

So I've noticed that this picture has increasingly become a flame thread, so I would like to address some issues that have obviously arisen.

Let's start off with the Women Studies course itself. While often times women studies is the brunt of many jokes, the course itself is a wonderful course. It is not merely a room full of whiny feminist, but a course that brings together aspects of psychology, philosophy, history and much more, and looks at it in the view of the female society. It also emphasizes critical thinking skills, so that one can look at something and analyze the consequences behind it. Does this picture objectify women? Does this statement imply that men lead better lives than women? ETC. While at times the course can seem stupid, and full of bullshit to outsiders, that's only because we aren't actively participating in the class. We aren't seeing the world the way those in the class are. We see whining, they see highlighting of important social issues.

Now, onto the comments made on this picture. Comments made by "bitchy girl" were only meant in a joking manner. "Bitchy girl" and I often have such conversations, taking on the role of underpowered women, complaining about how the men bring us down. These comments can be viewed as detrimental to the feminist movement, so I can see why people would take offense to them. Also, "Bitchy girl" , your response to (me), while jovial in manner, was not appropriate. It's OK for us to joke around, as we know each other values and beliefs. You know nothing of (my) values though. (Me) constantly puts up with anti-female jokes, and while she bears it in good grace, it does accumulate, and it does make her mad.

"Blondie and my friend", I found your comments to be very immature, and not a very effective way to deal with the topic at hand. "Bitchy girl" is entitled to her opinions. If she actually held values such as subservience to men high, then you would have no right to criticize her. Because isn't that what the feminist movement is about? Equal rights for all women, whatever their values be? They should be allowed to do whatever they please.

(Me), you dealt with this whole thread quite well, apart from the one quip to "Bitchy girl" . There isn't much i can say about you. So I won't...

We can all joke about feminism, and make hairy armpit comments and such, but we should not forgot the strives that feminism has accomplished. 90 years ago, women were not capable of voting in Canada. Look now. Data from the UK shows that women often outnumber men voters. In the 1950's 1/5 women were in the labour force. Now, that number has risen to 3/5, a significant boost. Great strives have been made, so let us not forget them

I have decided to delete all comments that could be considered sexist, or were flame comments. If more flame/overtly sexist comments turn up, I will delete this picture.

Thank you for your time

Top Ten Suicide Destination Sites

Suicide may be a "permanent solution to a temporary situation", but sometimes it feels like the only situation. No, I'm not thinking about it again, but it does bug me when people think they understand something like that. It's not a cry for attention, it 's not completely stupid, unfortunately, it's sometimes a persons last desperate attempt at normalcy or reality, or whatever it is that person needs.

Anywho.

Ginger visited this weekend. We went to the masquerave, which I wasn't drunk enough to thoroughly enjoy, and which was kinda a huge blow to my already non-existent self esteem. However I'm not really in the mood to relive that. So I'll talk about the rest of the weekend.

Uhm, right, we went to the masquerave, got split up from our huge group, and headed back to res at 2ish. When we (ginger and myself) got back, we decided to watch Hercules while slowly falling asleep in my bed. Unfortunately, we were totally passed out by the time Hercules finished rescuing Meg for the first time. Meh. On saturday, we decided that it'd be cool for us to go to Guelph for a night too. So we quickly bought tickets and made it to Guelph by 7ish. Had dinner and went out to party. We had no alcohomahals, so we got high instead and went to these random party things at her friends' places. Twas fun enough. Plus, I made it back home without much drama or difficulty, and bought these really awesome earrings on our way to the bus stop. We were walking towards the bus stop and walked into this awesome looking hippie shop. Found exciting earrings, met an awesome saleslady who asked to use my lighter and then bummed me a couple smokes. I was quite fond of her.

Uhm, what else?

Ooh, I was thinking while I was on the bus back to school that if I were to be an insect, I'd probably be a lady bug. Mainly because they're pretty, but no one considers them beautiful next to a butterfly, and most people fear that they may be highly poisonous. I dunno, it made sense in my head.

Schools pretty alright, there might be a snow day tomorrow. I'm thinking of skipping my classes tomorrow either way because I need to get some assignments done. Yes, I do realize that the fact that I need to do assignments and am instead writing on here is clearly not very responsible, but I feel like I write best when I should be doing works.

LOL, I had a lot of fun having a FB war with Ginger. She'd remembered my password from when we were in elementary school, and managed to get onto my FB and change my status to silly shits about tits and penises. Or something like that. So, I tried to get on her FB, but couldn't figure out her password, but remembered her hotmail password and was able to change her FB password thus. I then proceeded to write silly shits on her FB and changed her gender to be male. Her friend started talking to her and I told them that it wasn't her, and a friendship has blossomed between us. He's pretty cool and we spent the first night talking till 4 in the morning. It was highly entertaining.

ACH, the greatest thing in the world right now is this cupcake scented air freshener. I've been spraying this stuff everywhere. SO GOOD. I figured it was a good substitute for washing my sheets this week :D

Is Everyone Here Make Believe

I can't believe we're ignoring each other. I mean, how juvenile is that?

Thinking I should probably warn ginger of this.

They Weren’t Kidding

When they said that the only guys worth dating are either taken or gay. So just as I turned off my laptop and was about to head out, I saw my friend sitting at the table and went to say hey to him. I already knew he was gay, so that was no big deal, but he was with this guy, and I didn’t recognize him at first, but then I remembered he was one of the guys I’d met in the classics lounge when I was taking Latin. He would help me with understanding it a couple times, and I remember how I’d thought he was pretty cool and how I wouldn’t mind dating a guy like him. When I saw them hanging out together I was a bit confused, figured they were just friends, so I asked how they’d met. The glow office. I swear, this is why there are so many lonely girls. THE GOOD GUYS ARE ALL GAY.

Fucker.

Soaked To The Skin

Apparently getting high in the middle of the week isn't the most brilliant idea. Haha, me and my friend got high in her room, through an apple pipe, no less. It was brilliant, I'd never tried the apple before. I totally redefined the term "lightweight", got crazy fucked off a single hit, and she was all like "wtf?", and I just laughed at her. As stated previously, chocolate oranges are the absolute greatest snack food when you're high. They're incredible.

Anywho, yeah, it was fun, but I passed out in the lounge while trying to watch Across the Universe (which, by the way, is a huge fucking trip, but more on that in a sec), and woke up 20 minutes before my class started. Luckily, I made it only 15 minutes late, so it wasn't tooo bad, but I wasn't exactly in the right state of mind for class work or lectures.

Right, so Across the Universe, great movie. Huge trip. The whole thing, even the parts where there are like, normal, scenes. Like, at the beginning, when it's singing Helter Skelter, Lucy's hair IS the water, and all this crazy shit is going on. I don't know how to explain it, it just is. I wish I'd been able to stay up through the whole movie, I'd have loved to see the swimming scene. And the circus scene. AND the Dear Prudence scene :P.

Have you ever realized what that song actually means? "Dear Prudence"? Lol, "Won't you come out to play?". It's pretty funny. If you don't get it, go look up the word "prude".

Bleh, I'm really not in the mood to go to class tonight. A 3 hour lecture on peace and conflict, from the least enthusiastic of all my profs this semester. Ach. Not looking forward to it.

What else? I feel like I need to write a ton cause I've been really lame in my posts lately. I dunno, there's the Masquerave this friday, I'm gonna borrow something to wear from my friend, and as mentioned before, Ginger will be visiting, pretty excited for that too.

Ooh, I met these two guys from my film class today. They were pretty cool, out for a smoke after class and I bummed one off one of them, and that lead to us going for food at Timmie's until our next class started. We sat around and talked and got to know each other a little bit. They were pretty cool. One was a fourth year film student, and I don't know much about the other one, but he looks kinda old, like, older than some of the profs, but apparently he's in film too. They were fun to talk with. Plus, they'll be able to help me with the film analysis stuff we have to do because they're film majors (yayy!)

Hrm, philosophy paper due tomorrow, luckily I've pretty much finished it, I'm probably going to edit and change a couple things, but it'll take all of like, a half hour. If even. I mean, writing the paper itself took an hour, I don't think editing will take much time or effort, at all. I really want my smokes to come in. I ordered Marlbros(sp?) this time, can't wait!

Yeah, I think that's about it. I keep scanning my brain, but there's really nothing else to write. Nothing of interest at any rate. Kinda sucks, cause I'm trying to catch up with anything, I don't like that this is all that's going on right now. Pooh.

Waaiitt a second, I made a friend. I forgot about her. I didn't like her much when I met her, but she's in my English class and we're in the same group, and she's turned out to be pretty cool. I think she's taken to me the most out of the group, which would explain why she randomly invited me to her birthday thing (she didn't invite anyone else from the group, and we were all sitting together. It was funneh), unfortunately, I'm unable to attend due to the fact that I'm not yet of age to go to a bar, which is where it was to be held. I instead told her about the Masquerave and suggested she check that out, and maybe join our little group. She seemed pretty interested, so maybe she will join us after all.

Kay, I need to get to class now, so I'll end this here.

Nothing To Loose

Do you remember,

that time on the bus-we were

sitting together,

just you and me.

Do you remember

we were sitting together,

laughing and happy,

so carefree.

Do you remember,

we were sober together,

nothing could touch us,

light and free.

I wish I'd remembered,

to leave it-

that way

But do you remember,

back in the day?

We weren't together,

we weren't together

we were (sitting) together.

Friends forever,

just you and me.

This one is kinda Regina Spektor influenced, I like how it was going up to the "back in the day" verse, not sure how I feel about the last two parts.

Meh.

Hello Lonely

You know what?

This is stupid. Why should I give up something so dear to me, something I like doing, something I hope to look back at fondly when I'm older, because of some idiot's dissatisfaction? Exactly, I shouldn't. And no, this isn't because I'm desperate for attention, or because I want people to know about my life, though, I do enjoy when friendly strangers stumble upon my safehaven and leave little thoughts or bits of advice. It's plainly and simply because I like writing. And I like writing somewhere I can access from anywhere.

Yeah, sure, if you're reading this V, go ahead and till him, I know I would. I would totally tell one of my friends if I somehow found out that one of my other friends was struggling with feelings for the other friend. I mean, isn't that what friends are for? For screwing each other over? Sure, this is bitchy, but guess what? It's my space to be bitchy. It's where I'm allowed to bitch about people, about places, about things. It's my space to be creative, to be happy, to be calm, to be whatever the fuck I want to be. Yes, I am over what happened, I'm kinda confused as to why I was actually mad to begin with, but that's irrelevant. It appears I've completely destroyed the friendship I had with both of them, and to be honest, I don't really care right now. Like, sure, I wish we could go back to being the friends we were before, but I guess we weren't really real friends. If that makes any sense? I mean, if our "friendship" could turn to ignoring each other in the halls, can you really say we were friends? And to think, it only took a week to fall apart completely. Kinda depressing. I wish I could say "I have enough friends, I won't miss you two" but I feel like that would be a lie. Like, is it even possible for a person to have "too many" friends? Doubtful.

At any rate, I've decided I am going to keep on writing. I guess I just need to be more careful. Whatever.

Still Not Writing

But I wanted to post this poem from a book I've read about a hundred times.

It's both a great poem, and a brilliant book. Books called "The Perks of Being a Wallflower".

Once on a yellow piece of paper with green lines

he wrote a poem

And he called it "Chops"

because that was the name of his dog

And that's what it was about

And his teacher gave him an A

and a gold star

And his mother hung it on the kitchen door

and read it to his aunts

That was the year Father Tracy

took all the kids to the zoo

And he let them sing on the bus

And his little sister was born

with tiny toenails and no hair

And his mother and father kissed a lot

And the girl around the corner sent him a

Valentine signed with a row of X's

and he had to ask his father what the X's meant

And his father always tucked him in bed at night

And was always there to do it

Once on a piece of white paper with blue lines

he wrote a poem

And he called it "Autumn"

because that was the name of the season

And that's what it was all about

And his teacher gave him an A

and asked him to write more clearly

And his mother never hung it on the kitchen door

because of its new paint

And the kids told him

that Father Tracy smoked cigars

And left butts on the pews

And sometimes they would burn holes

That was the year his sister got glasses

with thick lenses and black frames

And the girl around the corner laughed

when he asked her to go see Santa Claus

And the kids told him why

his mother and father kissed a lot

And his father never tucked him in bed at night

And his father got mad

when he cried for him to do it.

Once on a paper torn from his notebook

he wrote a poem

And he called it "Innocence: A Question"

because that was the question about his girl

And that's what it was all about

And his professor gave him an A

and a strange steady look

And his mother never hung it on the kitchen door

because he never showed her

That was the year Father Tracy died

And he forgot how the end

of the Apostle's Creed went

And he caught his sister

making out on the back porch

And his mother and father never kissed

or even talked

And the girl around the corner

wore too much make up

That made him cough when he kissed her

but he kissed her anyway

because that was the thing to do

And at three A.M. he tucked himself into bed

his father snoring loudly

That's why on the back of a brown paper bag

he tried another poem

And he called it "Absolutely Nothing"

Because that's what it was really all about

And he gave himself an A

and a slash on each damned wrist

And he hung it on the bathroom door

because this time he didn't think

he could reach the kitchen

You Know...

I hadn't really considered suicide again since first I'd tried it. Last night was different. For the first time since last February, I desperately wanted out. I was honestly sick and tired of, well, everything. I thought I had friends here. I thought some of them cared about me.

I feel like that may not necessarily be fact.

Before I continue, I feel I should state that this may be my last post for a little while. I'll explain why momentarily, I just feel I should give just notice.

Last night was one of the floor parties. We were all having a good, time, started out with some beer pong, and me and my partner were actually doing well! But yeah, everyone got fairly intoxicated during beer pong, and then we decided to go to the other girl's room for a dance party. Just loud music and everyone dancing. Fun times. I don't remember all the details, but I know that at some point later in the night, I was in the guys hallway for a bit, talking with a group of people, and decided to go check on him because he had disappeared for a while and I wanted to see if he was alright. My fucking mistake. He was practically passed out on his bed and started telling me not to seduce him. He told me how his roommate had been keeping up with my blog and telling him all the shit I write on here. I was pissed. I was this close to slapping him right then and there, as he lay on his bed, but I just walked out. Fucker. I headed out looking for his roommate, V, and finally found him getting high with Asthma and some other folks. I outright snapped at him. "You've been reading my blog? You've been showing him what I write?!"

"Yeah, we're roommates, duh."

(By the way, to anyone who's reading this and was there, I apologize if I'm misquoting, I'm trying to get all the important details in without writing everything out word for word.)

(I don't like that I've been reduced to using disclaimers in my writings in order to prevent other people from getting mad at me. Wtf.)

Uhm, were was I? Oh, right, V.

Yeah, I was mad at him, but he said we'd talk about it later, so I got high.

After that, I think I went and cried to the Ottawaian asian for a good little while (I cried ALOT last night) and we figured we should go get foods. Guess who was there when we got there?

Everybody. Him included. Ugh. I did not want to deal with him. I didn't even want to look at him. I asked if we could leave soon after we'd gotten our foods, and luckily, one of the guys was on his way over to another party. I asked him to take me with him. It was good, a bunch of drunk people making no coherent sense, one chick pretending to be british because she met some brit at the party, one guy who kept taking off his shirt to read what was written on it, one chick crying in the corner for no known reason, and a bunch of other randoms. We didn't stay there long, and when we got back the Ottowaian asian had me talk to V. I didn't have anything to say to him. I was tired. I was tired of dealing with people, I was tired of dealing with the drama of my life, I was tired of everything. So I kinda just sat there and smiled. He didn't look like he really wanted to talk either, so I told him he could leave if he wanted. I think he felt I'd take it the wrong way if he left. So he stayed for a bit and tried to comfort me by telling me I'd find the right person. That I'd find someone who liked me for me. For some reason, I think this made me feel worse about my situation than I did before the talk, but I just kept sitting there, smiling. Or, at least, I think it was a smile. I was trying to smile. It may just have been because this guy, this guy I considered a friend, was trying to make me feel better by quoting my blog to me. By quoting my diary to me.

Alot of people have been giving me shit about keeping an online diary. Maybe if everyone who's not supposed to read it would just stop, this wouldn't be a fucking problem. For those of you who don't know, I was forced to turn my diary to the internet, because my parents kept finding mine when I kept it in a book, and I'd get beat up, alot, when they read shit they didn't like. (Price, you once asked why I flinched each time you went to pretend slap me. That's why.) So excuse me. I'm sorry if this too, is no longer an available option to me. I just want something that's my own. I don't care if you read this because it fascinates you. If my life is just something you're interested in. But when it turns from interest to "let's use this shit against her", that's a whole other fucking story.

I guess this is goodbye for a little while. Unless I can figure out how to change the address. Or how to assassinate a couple pests.

Quiz!

So, I found this random quiz thingy on facebook, and I was bored, and here is the byproduct.

Are you ready for some questions that you barely find in other surveys?

Urm, sure?

You're locked in a room with the person you last kissed, any problems?

I hope not, we talked it over and I'm hoping it's all good now.

Have you ever kissed anyone who's name starts with J, M, C or L?

J: yes, L: yes, M: yes, & C: probably

Are you currently reading a book?

Trying to, do textbooks count?

What is your current annoyance?

Essays.

Say something to the person you like?

Please jump off a bridge :)

Are you someone who worries too often?

Sometimes, depends on my mood, really.

Would you ever take someone back after they cheated on you?

Doubtful.

Have you ever liked someone who all your friends hated?

Yupp.

Do you have any siblings?

Little sister.

What did you do last night?

Watched a movie, tried to do work stuffs etc.

Have you kissed anyone on the lips in the last 48 hours?

No, but chances are that'll change in another 48 hours.

Does it matter if your bf/gf smokes?

Not in the slightest :)

Do you know anyone who drinks a lot?

Better question: Do I know anyone who doesn’t drink a lot?

Could you go out in public, looking like you do now?

Why not? Sweats are comfy :D

What color are your eyes?

Hazel?

Who is the last male you talked to through a text?

My FB

Female?

Blondie

Do you remember your dreams?

Sometimes, I wish I could remember all of them though.

Does anyone think you are a bitch?

Probably. Most likely.

Did you wake up before 8am this morning?

LAWL.

Did you speak to your father today?

Nope.

Do you miss your past?

Ehhh, not really.

Have you ever skipped school?

LAWL.

Do you get mad easily?

Mostly when I’m around family, around other people, I’m generally more easygoing.

Have you ever been around someone who was high?

Yeah, it’s funneh.

Top 3 Hottest Celebrities?

Johnny Depp.

Last thing you purchased?

Food? Breakfast.

Stuff? Thongs.

What was your last bruise from?

Hahahahahha, sex on the bathroom floor.

What color is your hair?

Currently black.

Has anybody ever told you that you have pretty eyes?

Repeatedly.

Has the last person you texted ever been mad at you before?

More than likely.

Have you ever searched for your own house on Google Earth?

Countless times, I look to see if the picture changes :P

Who is the ugliest person that you know?

I don’t think I know any truly ugly people.

Do any of your top friends have a tongue ring?

Yesh.

Do any of your top friends have a nose ring?

Yesh.

When will be the next time you text someone?

Dunno, when I need to talk to someone?

How much money did you spend today?

20ish?

What will you be doing tomorrow?

Partying, drinking, partying, playing beer pong, having a "girl's night" etc.

Have you ever cried while in the shower?

Often.

Is your best friend a slut?

Sometimes.

Do you know anyone with the same name as you?

I don’t know them personally, but I heard rumors of their existence.

What was the first thing you did this morning?

Woke up.

What are you looking forward to right now?

January 28th: MASQUERAVE!!!

Do you miss someone?

Plenty of people. Namely the great townspeople of Richmond Hill.

If you could go back in time and change something, would you?

I’d hide my shit better and avoid getting caught by my parents.

Today did you hug a person you have feelings for?

I have feelings for them as friends?

Have you ever ran away?

Yeah, it was a great experience.

Truth or dare always turns sexual, doesn't it?

That’s basically the reason it’s played.

Do you like being single?

Only when I’m in a relationship.

Do you want any children?

Not particularly, no.

Would you ever get your nipples pierced?

Possibly.

Have you ever been asked out?

Yesh.

Where was your default picture taken?

At a party.

Is there anyone who you can talk to for a long time and not get bored?

Yup, we do it often.

What color shirt are you wearing?

Dark blue (dark blue, have you ever been alone in a crowded room?)

Do you make up nicknames for people?

Not often, but it’s been done.

If you must be an animal for one day, what would you be?

A birdy. A pretty birdy. A pretty birdy who could fly.

Something you do a lot?

Sleep? Dream? Breathe?

What’s your favourite type of food?

Yummy food :)

When was the last time you cried?

Last night.

How many people do you talk to that you dont see often?

A fair number, I still talk to a bunch of RH friends.

What's the first thing you notice about the opposite/same sex?

Their eyes, and if I like talking with them.

Holding On

I don't understand this. I have heard, from numerous guys, that I am hot. That I'm awesome to be around. That I'm smart. That I'm sexy, fun, etc. If I'm all these marvelous things, why do I always end up alone? By myself? Without someone who wants to be with me for me?

Yes, I do realize that I have been hooked on this topic for a while now, but fuck off. I don't care. I'm stuck on this topic because I want to be stuck on this topic, and because I'm surrounded by guys who keep reminding me of this topic. Like my good ol' fuck buddy. Remember him? Well, I just got off skype with him, and he's doing well. He's worried about his girlfriend because she's been sick for a while. Yepp. He's doing well though. And he's still reminding me of how I awesome I am. Oh yeah, I'm so awesome that all I am to you is still just a friend with benefits. And only when we aren't dating other people. Well, only when he isn't dating other people. No, that's a lie, I've put the fb thing on hold before due to relationships too, but still. But still, he tells me how (and this is a direct quote) "you're fucking hot". Yep.

Fucking hot.

That's me. The lonely smothering hot chick.

On another note, Gingers coming to visit next weekend, I'm pretty excited for that. We're going to a "Masquerave". It's going to be my first time at a club.

I think I know why he's not into me. My fb, that is. I think it's cause we keep telling each other everything. He knows everything about me. Like the times my parents hit me, how much I hated going to the shrink, how I had tried to kill myself, how I hated my body. Everything. Well, everything negative, according to that list, but I'm in a pessimistic mood, so theres no such thing as good news. SHUT UP. IT MAKES SENSE IN MY HEAD. Point is, he may not be attracted to me because he knows how much emotional baggage I come with.

Honestly, I don't even care if that's not the real reason, I'm just going to pretend it is because he's a really great guy and I'd be lucky to end up with someone like him. So, I need a reason as to why I can't be with the real him. And because I know he's not interested in me in that way, I have to make up a "real" reason.

Got it?

Wow, that was almost as intense as Descartes' reasoning, the whole "God exists through this logic"

Again, that made sense in my head. STOP JUDGING ME.

I'm gonna.. uh, go.. now.. cause, well, as you can see, I'm a teeny tiny bit upset. But it's no big deal, because, remember: [I'm] fucking hot. UGH.

I swear, I'm not always an emotional wreck. And I'm most definitely not always this needy. It might just be the birth control pills. Or maybe I'm close to my period. Or some other bullcrap excuse women make whenever they get too "touchy feely".

Kay. Leaving now.

Never Wanted It To Be Like This

I don't feel like writing. I've just been in the crappiest mood ever since this past weekend, and I haven't been able to be productive in anything, and then I start thinking about life, and how a fucking degree in Arts isn't going to do jack shit for me in the "real world" because everyone wants computer skills and shit like that, which I have none of. Honestly, technology scares me a little bit. Point is, I feel like my life is completely pointless right now. I mean, I keep going on about this guy and that guy, and that one girl, and the time I got really drunk, and if that's all my life is... well, how pathetic is that? Ugh, I don't know, I'm going to try to take "useful" courses next term, like speech com., and French, and maybe a psych course, or some intro to comp. sci thing. Dunno. Just... stuff I could put on a resume.

I sooo need a job.

A boyfriend would be nice too.

Sorry, I realize that last comment totally voids the above rant, but I can't help it. I mean, just now, me and four friends were watching a movie. Guess what? I was the one single out of the four. They're each dating each other. After the movie, I was sitting on one of the chairs as one couple is snuggled up on the couch whispering things to each other, and the other couple is sitting on each other's laps, wrapped up in a little blanket. What the fuck? Like, yeah, I'm happy for them, (well, except for Blondie, I can't help it, I really don't like her boyfriend. But I guess I'm happy that she's happy?) I just wish I wasn't the odd one out. At least, part of me feels this way. The other part of me just wants the entire male species to be obliterated.

Can We Pretend?

I did something really stupid today. Well, I actually did a number of stupid things today, but one really stupid thing. Oh god. Uhm, kay, well as I wrote last night, we did the beer pong tournament today, starting at 12 in the afternoon. It went on till about 7, but we kept on drinking till like, I don’t even know when. So one of the beer pong rules was “Shut out, butt out” which means that if while you’re playing, you don’t sink anything, you have to go streaking. Guess what? Me and my teammate didn’t sink ANYTHING first game. Guess what that means? Yup, we had to go streaking. So we convinced everyone to let us wait till we were more drunk and finally at about 5 we were forced to do it. My teammate was really self-conscious and refused to do it, so they let us go with panties but no bra. She still refused so the brit and tall white boy went with me. Them in their boxers, me in my panties. With everyone watching. As we ran a lap around our residence. In the snow. Tall white boy is a dick, by the way. And there are a number of reasons for this statement.

First of all, when we were all running, he pushed me into the fucking snow. I was practically nude, freezing cold, and suddenly doing a faceplant in the snow. Not pleased.

Second of all, when we were both really drunk, me and him were chilling in his room and he was all like “Shall we do this?”. I wasn’t sure what he was talking about at first, but then it hit me and I was suddenly even more confused because I could’ve sworn he wasn’t interested or attracted to me. He then went on to ask about my “love” for him, because apparently he too was been checking my blog (wtf? how does everyone end up reading this?) and I told him how it was a crush, and I was over it cause he’d been a huge dick to me for the past little while. Anyways, after this.. discussion, we started making out and that lead to sex. Whether fortunately or unfortunately, he was too drunk to keep his dick up, so we stopped pretty quickly. I can’t believe I did that. Part of me is just thinking how he used me because he knew how I had a crush on him, and thus figured I’d be down for it. Meanwhile, the other part of me is mad at myself for kinda enjoying it. For kinda wanting to be with him. I don’t know, I’m trying to figure this out for myself as I write it here. I hate him so much for fucking around with me right now. Pun intended.

Back to the streaking thing, all the girls and a couple of the guys were pretty cool about it. They came up to me afterwards and were all like, dude, you’ve got balls. Or, that took guts, I respect you for that. And that was pretty cool. But then there were the jackasses who were all like, I saw your tits. And, “I didn’t recognize you with your clothes on”. Ugh, yeah, just a ton of stupid shit like that. I was displeased, but I suppose it was to be expected.

Those are the two main stupid things for today. OH SHIT, WAIT.

So this girl “Asthma”, on our floor, got really wasted tonight. And she, like me, is a huge slut when intoxicated. So me and this guy were trying to get her to go to bed so we could all go for foods. She started hitting on both of us. She sucked his finger to prove how she didn’t have a gag reflex. Then she locked me in her room and asked me to kiss her. I was kinda drunk too, so I did. But I didn’t want to do anything with her. But she was determined. She pushed me onto the bed and took her shirt off and, thankfully, the guy tried to get in then, so I managed to get away and ran out the door. That was crazy shits.

Oh, and I got in a fight with my mom. She was all like, "You need to be responsible, and I don't want you working cashier jobs and stuff like that. You have to find a good job that has to do with your field." "Uh, mum, there is no part time work I can do that's in my field right now. I'm in first year uni." She was irksome and hard to deal with. I got frustrated quickly. She then proceeded to tell me to "Maybe minor in something useful." Gee, thanks mum, so glad you're supporting me in my studies of the arts. I greatly appreciate it. Bitch.

Kay, yeah, I think that’s the majority of the stupidity of the day. I’m gonna sign off here and probably write more soontimes cause I am le tired, and not in the mood to dwell on icky matters.

Yes, I just said "icky". Is that a problem?