She's Not There

Good night last night. Haven't been that drunk since... well, since last weekend.
Huh.
But this time was a bit worse- I've got a  bit of a hangover D: Totes worth it though, I had a blast last night. Completely let loose, danced, sang along to some karaoke shits, and met a guy- who met my standards! Fuck yeah. T'was a good time. And he wasn't difficult about shit. Like, he kept saying that he was really into me, but I didn't want anything more than a hookup and he was okay with that. He even left when we were done at my place cause I told him I didn't want him there in the morning. He wasn't douchey about it either. He totally understood where I was coming from, and even though he may not have felt the same, he respected my rules.
Why can't more guys be like that?
*le sigh*
Count: 18

Please.

I seem to have misplaced
My cheerful disposition.
It's flown right off my face.
The angry world will opposition
Those who won't amend.
Too bothered to pretend.
They intend to make a difference-
Seek that bright lit star.
The great wide space
That stands between
Is oozing,
Sorrowful pus.
Falling down,
For far too long.
My knees have grown so weak.
They won't support
The heavy mind
That leads those long lost sheep.

A Sad Little Poem

I just want to hide away

To crawl under a rock

Pretend the world was slipping

Apart

Through my fingers

Fists and jaw

From the shock

Of living as us puppets do

From our stings and strands

Our tufts of hair getting in the way

Blocking the Puppet master from the stand

So instead we tune our notes and look

Below

To the hiding space we might crawl

Away from harm

And cold, frozen snow

In hibernation, we turn a cold cheek

To destruction, flame and sorrow

Curl up into safety pins

And prick those who come too close

Hidey holes are not for sharing

Or so the story goes

But the truth is we’re needles too,

Wrapped up in our thread

We look to mend

Tie knots

And break off loose ends.

I Feel Like I'm Surrounded By Idiots

So last night, just for chills, blondie and dino (dinosaur girl- other housemate who needs a nickname) started drinking and we thought it'd be fun to play beer pong. I didn't feel like drinking so I smoked a bowl instead. At some point in time, the two girls got really drunk and started acting like fucking idiots, blondie even going so far as to brandish a knife and slam the freezer door into G's head. The brit got scared and left early, not wanting to deal with them because they were being stupid and shoving shit under his door. Then they started dragging each other up the stairs, pouring their drinks on each other, and just being over all stupid. Now, the asian ottawaian has been involved in the matter in that I spoke to her this morning, and apparently blondie's been bitching about me to her as well. Why is blondie bitching? Because I confronted her this morning. Because I went up to her and said "You scared the shit out of me last night." She didn't even have the decency to care. Instead typing into her phone the entire time I was talking to her. Really? Are we being children about this? Cause that's really all I'm getting from this. Usually it's only little kids you need to keep knives from, and tell them not to fool around on the stairs. And then the ottawaian tells me that she doesn't want to be a part of it- she understands why I'm upset, but thinks I'm overreacting and that I shouldn't stop blondie from further drinking. She even tells me that she talked to blondie and said that "It really wasn't necessary for you to play with a knife."

FOR FUCKING SERIOUS????

"It wasn't necessary for you to play around with a knife." Oh good lord, I can't even begin to explain how infuriated I am right now. DOES NO ONE UNDERSTAND THE IMPLICATIONS OF THIS? THIS BITCH CAN'T CONTROL HERSELF WHEN SHE'S DRUNK AND WE'RE HAVING A FUCKING PARTY THIS WEEKEND WHERE THERE WILL BE PEOPLE- ALL OF WHOM WILL BE INTOXICATED. ARE WE HONESTLY SUGGESTING THAT IT WOULD BE WISE TO PERMIT THIS CRACKHEAD TO DRINK WITH OTHER PEOPLE, THUS ENDANGERING OUR GUESTS? IF THE BITCH WANTS TO DRINK, SHE CAN LEARN TO FUCKING CONTROL HERSELF AND NOT THREATEN PEOPLE'S LIVES. NOT TO MENTION, SHE CAN'T EVEN ACCEPT THE FACT THAT SHE WAS FUCKING HAMMERED LAST NIGHT. SHE KEEPS SAYING "I WASN'T EVEN THAT DRUNK."

I asked you, as a friend, if it bothered you that I was scared shitless last night, and you gave me the most contempt filled, sarcastic apology you could possibly muster. Is this the friendship I missed? I was upset that I had lost your friendship to your boyfriend, and was trying to spend as much time hanging out with you and talking with you and stuff as possible. And you can't muster up the empathy to talk to me?
I genuinely wanted to cry after the way you talked to- or rather, ignored- me this morning. I wanted to get all this out in the open. But then I get the cold shoulder from you, outright denial, and pure childish immaturity. Only to then get the text from the asian ottawaian to push me over the edge. So this was my last option. Writing what I needed to say to you here, where you will most likely read it, if you still care enough about me to check up on me thus.

You don't have to forgive me for this, I'm not planning on apologizing for it just yet anyways.

If I Could Be Like That

I would do anything. 

"So, I was goign to write aobu t time. No, not ryhem you stiplid keyboard, time. I was curious as to how we perceive time. I mean, what is time? In an hourglass, for example, time is that individual grain of glass that falls from te top half. In a weaver’s board, it;s each curve the thread makes between the bars. On a clock it’s the little red hand ticking each second away. But what is that space between eachtick, each grain, each curve?

Weed- it’s unconvential and its a solution, to life.

Not even gonna edit it, it's last night's BRILLIANT idea, just- stuff I was thinking about after having some of the greatest weed ever with the asian ottawaian. It was a good night. 

Weed- it’s unconvential and its a solution, to life."

My sister was over for the weekend, and that was exciting. I tried to keep her thoroughly entertained the entire time. We played beer pong with the other house (I'm a great role model) and then went costume shopping the next day. Not much else to say about the weekend, well, other than the fact that I found out that two of the girls that lived on my floor last year have started dating. I'm so proud of them because they decided to embrace their drunken kiss and dumped their respective boyfriends in order to understand, explore and embrace the feelings they had for each other. Not gonna lie, I did see it coming- I wasn't too shocked when they told me, I had always suspected one of them to lean a bit more in that direction, and the other one just made sense with her. 

Oh, and I talked to the white boy. Nothing serious, but we did bring up that night and kinda skimmed over what happened and why our friendship fell apart and stuff. I was kinda glad to get that out in the air. As soon as we started talking about it, I felt like I could just breathe easier. 

I just sat and watched this movie, Trust. It was torturous. Brilliant, but terrifying. It hit so close to home that I thought I was gonna be sick the entire time. I kept holding my breathe, waiting to see what happened next, and I burst out in tears every five minutes or so, just because of the way the parents of the girl would react to everything. It was so hard to watch from that perspective, I just kept thinking "This is what happened to my parents. They fought with each other, they yelled, they cried, they tried to comfort me, they tried to figure out who the guys I was talking with were- and I protected them too." It was especially difficult to watch because I understood and saw both perspectives. I knew why the girl wanted to protect the guy, but I finally understood why it was so hard for the the parents to deal with it after knowing all that they did. Every time the girl yelled at her parents, my heart broke a little bit because I knew I had done the same thing to my parents. It broke even more when I saw the parents dying inside afterwards. It was terrifying. 

Anyways, time to go to the gym. 

Oh, and I'm at 17 now. *sigh*

Wouldn't Want To Be Anybody Else

I wonder how people in the "olden days" reacted to rainbows. Do you think they burned a "witch" each time they saw one? Blamed some poor, random woman for putting magical colours into the sky? What was the first reaction to the first rainbow? Like, the cave people who lived, what did they think when that saw a rainbow? Did they do any cave drawings of them? Did they worship them?

Why are dead leaves the most beautiful? Is this supposed to represent something about our lives?

I'm a little bit in love with the guy who sings "Somebody That I Used To Know", he's beautiful. I want someone real to be a little bit in love with though. I feel like I've been changing again. I've become less of a slut. Honest! I've only slept with one guy thus far (this school term). Yes, there was other stuff with other guys, but no sex. That's an improvement.

Ugh, I need a job.

I'm really hung up on this song though, and it's not just that I'm in love with the guy who's singing it either. I love his voice, and I feel like I can really relate to the lyrics. It's lie the story of every one of my relationships (oh, god- they feel so far away; I barely remember the details anymore).

The tree we just drove by had white leaves. It was beautiful.

But yeah, the song. I keep thinking about back when I was with so-and-so. I'm addicted to this "certain kind of sadness". I'm hung up on this- thing. But we didn't need to cut each other off afterwards. We could've been friends. Cause now, as he says, they're just people I used to know. Used to love? How is it possible to switch between such extremes? To go from blind, doting obsession to barely acquainted? I mean, we were so in love. We'd think, dream and breathe each other. Now it's hard to even remember his face. We used to talk all the time. Randomly, at 3 in the morning. Now I can't recall the last time we spoke.
I really do miss it. It doesn't help that I haven't got the balls to tell people I may be attracted to how I feel. Plus, I run away from the one night stands that show more interest. Goddamn it all to heck.
What is attraction anyways? What tells us that one person is hot but another isn't? Do we take an inventory of their features and think "blue eyes, check, good nose, check, broad shoulders, check, kay- he's hot"?

You know what else is weird? This stuff doesn't actually bother me during the day, or night, or whatever. It barely crosses my mind. It's only when I've got a blank page in front of me and need to empty thoughts onto it that I turn to these ideas.

Things Aren't as Bizarre as They Are

I sometimes forget that I tried to off myself once. It feels like a "once upon a time". I'm not sure if it's specifically "forgetting" or pushing to the back of my mind. It was resurfaced just now because I was going through some of my old writings (the ones I said I'd eventually put up). Here's the one I just read. Not a hundred percent sure if this is up yet, like, if I'd typed it up in a reminiscent moment once before, but I doubt it. So here goes:
"What have I done?
I don't know what to do. What if it didn't work? What are you supposed to do after you've used your last resort? What if your last resort fails you? How long does it take to die anyways? I think it was about... 5 of the really strong ones and 12 of the regulars. That's a fair number of pills. It has to have some sort of effect. Plus, it was on an empty stomach. I just want it all to end. I don't care about all the shit I'll be missing out on if I die. I've just stopped caring. I want it to be over with."
Another one was written on the back of some recipes I had in my pocket at the time. This one isn't so depressing. I was just high over the summer and with my fuck buddy of the time- we were in a forest and staring at trees:
"I sense there's something in the air, a silence coming, a new wall burning. Just words. So many faces they pass me by and by. Itchy itchy. They come a biting, knocking on your door. They will be pouncing and just creating words. It's always moving. I'll never remember the tune. You don't see it anymore. You shot your's and only memories of a dream. I'm so high I can touch the sun. I'm burnt down to a crisp, you see. There's so much more I can't write down. They fleet so quickly by. You want to get rid of me, but I refuse to go. Not because I want you, no- but because I want to stay.
That is the end of that one you say, and pretend to wipe an eye. You whisper I'll be coming up for more. Attempts to pretend, but knows not how to. Mmmmm; Angel. I should pack up my shit and let him be free to go. Could I come back at all or will I fall down through the wall. He keeps hinting and nudging. Let us go he pleads, help us all beware! She's mad as a hatter and ready to call out to the children and birches and brethren."

Has anyone ever noticed that the cookie monster only ever ate chocolate chip cookies? If you ask me that's a bit cookiest. Mozart was crazy- flat fucking crazy.These cookies are so fucking good. Mmm, image how good they'd be if I could microwave 'em. I'm addicted to microwaves, btw. They make life so much easier. Why the fuck didn't we use the microwave at home??
Ugh, I'm doing it again. I just had like, a zillion thoughts fly through my head, and go figure, I didn't write any of them down. Hrm. I'm going to the gym tomorrow. Mhmm, at.. 11? Gah, mornings. There was something wrong with me today- I'm not a hundred percent what it was, but I think I was just feeling lonely. Like, for what I'd been bitching about all last year. I got all reminiscent, and started remembering the boyfriends. The last two most specifically. Because I have no idea what I called them in previous posts, I'm just gonna go ahead and call them by the name- Jordan and Ryan. I remembered how it was with Jordan, and how he'd visit me at school because that was the only time we had together because of my parents. And how Ryan would come over and we'd "watch tv". Haha, I had my first spider-man kiss with Ryan. And how I introduced Jordan to Regina Spektor and how he introduced me to Beck. I fucked up with both of those. I ended it with Ryan because I told myself he was pressuring me. I don't remember what I thought he pressuring me towards, considering I was the worst of the two of us. I was the one who smoked and drank and did weed; who had piercings and tattoos. Wait, no, I didn't have a tattoo during either of those. Hrmmm, the cookies are almost done and Nat learnt what her middle finger meant. This soundtrack has been on repeat for the past 4 days. IT IS INCREDIBLE. I'm still not over it. And then I ruined our friendship during summer school by acting like a huge bitch. Hahahhaha, and that letter I sent him during our Advanced Functions class telling him how high I was. Then I ended it with Jordan too. Jordan who cared about me and offered me a place to stay if it ever got too bad with my parents. Hahaha, Jordan who wanted to get me checked for some STI before he'd have sex with me. Not that we ended up having sex- or getting the test. Jordan who I left alone for a summer while I traversed around Iran and last cookie! Sor-omnom nom-ry, om nom nom. Sorry. Right, who I left alone and wasn't able to communicate with. Who I wrote "no you're not" in response to his birthday status. Oh God, I feel like a tard catch me I'm falling, sinking and sprawling. Why am I such a massive bitch? I even have the bitch brows that go with it (I was just doing my eyebrows and I'm pretty sure they're perfect). I miss my mom. And my twin. And everyone else that matters. Is it super pathetic that I've only had two real relationships since 2009? Oh God why thank you doctor, Valium is my favourite colour. How'd ya know ;). It sounds so much worse when you actually look at the years. At least they were special. They say love is blind, but believe me- love is insane. I bet they're not dealing with this. I bet they haven't wasted their time remembering me. God, was is this fucking pity party. Do you see what I was saying about it being an off day??
Kay, fuck. I should go to bed. It's almost 1, and I'm tired and this day isn't going to get better if I have to go without sleep. And of course I didn't get any work done today. No, that would've made this day productive -_-. Night.

The Little Duck Tie

Finally got the Next To Normal soundtrack from the brit. It's sooo good. Granted, these Mint Thin thingies are pretty fucking good too. And so was that veggie burger I had for dinner. Mmmmmmm, all this food talk is a bitchh.
So I wanted to write this in a way that wouldn't sound so pathetically first timerish, but couldn't think of anything  so I'll just say it. I'm having a bowl right now and I'm super curious as to what I may write whilst high. But so far it sounds pretty much like how I usually write. And I would be perfect for you, I could be perfect for youu. 
This cuckoo's nest is worse. Lol, guess I'm not really writing, kinda switched to quoting the music. Hahahha, she just referenced Sylvia Plath.
Uhm, stuff keeps twitching, and my neck is cricking and so are the crickets outside. The bike rack shufffle, the dance of the bars and wheels. The knuckles dancing, mini solos and bold duets? Cars driving by, up in my room, so fluid, so loud. Hard to swallow, gravel chunks bouncing off the waterfall throat. Sticky fingers, itchy ears. No similarity- just parts of the process. The marriage. The system. Massive zits and oddly placed hickeys.  Misplaced zits and famous hickeys. Hickets. Bong water, stubbed toe. NO MORE LISTS! No bruises, no needles and pins. But what is poetry without listing? Words that work and form and portray, nothing gray- light and beauty and all that is write about the word. We're learning about Rhetoric in school. Oh, elementary school. Remember? When our biggest fear was that there might be a substitute teacher in that foreign classroom. We had Disney backpacks and Barney was still cool. I missed 11:11. I'll compensate with more- nay moar chocolate. Mmmmmmmm.That was really good chocolate. Why is it that chocolate tastes so much better when you're high? Lis and I were contemplating that whole "high" thing. I don't know why I put quotations on that. But we had made some fairly interesting breakthroughs regarding existence and what life really is. I'd tell you exactly what our theories were but I can't remember for the life of me. Again, always seems to be the case. You come up with some brilliant ideas and theories and concepts and then they're gone as soon you're sober. The worst. 
I think I'm gonna go watch a movie or something now. Remind myself to do my Rhetorics journal and Assignment 1 for CS tomorrow. Anything else? No. Don't think so. Need to leave this room before I take more chocolate. Gahhhhh, chocolateee.
OH. First, I totally forgot to mention the awkward time with the brit's roommate today. Hahahahaha, I had texted the brit if I could nap in his room between my classes today and he said sure. So after lunch he walked me to his room and left for his class. His roommate was there when me and him walked in and was watching animes on his computer. I sat down at the desk, finished my resume and then collapsed in the bed and totally passed out. Don't know why I was so tired tbh. Also, don't know exactly where I was going with thaat story. Hmm. Anywho. Movie times. But I don't want to stop listening to the soundtrack. This song is so romantic and depressing. And moving. No, that other one was moving. What was it called? The piano one "you'll be done with this shit, and there's nothing your paranoid parents can say". Or something about Beethoven.
My psychopharmacologist and I... The Rapist. I called my shrink a rapist. I told her about it once. That she was The Rapist. She laughed at me. But not at me, just... with me. My favourite pills. Valium is my favorite color. HOW DO I STOP??? Gahhh, I can't stop listening to it. It's so addicting. And every time one song stops another one starts immediately. Bless me. (I sneezed) You should've seen my fngers fly over the keyboard during the typing of this last paragraph.

And I Will Hold On Hope

It's 1:13 in the morning and I'm exhausted. I have a job interview tomorrow and I'm still up working on my online computer science course and it's driving me insane. I hate, repeat- HATE, it. I couldn't possibly give less of a damn about fucking computers and the name of the formula you put into excel to solve the equation =c3*50/2. I COULD NOT CARE LESS. I want to sleep but I've promised myself I'd finish reading the modules first. It's so bad that I am currently drinking the Wild Vines cherry pomegranate wine I had left in the fridge in hopes of numbing the pain associated with my loathing of computer science. Hah- my mum wanted me to take more CS courses. Yeah, right, that's gonna happen. There is definitely not enough wine in this bottle. I might grab one of my beers after and chug that too. I'm also powering through my pack of Marlboro's- that's not really helping either.
But I have faith in myself. I can do this. It doesn't help that every time I ask people to help they just tell me to ask Tall White boy. I do not want to be forced to spend more time than necessary with him just so I can pass my CS course. I will find another way. Even if it means embracing this loathing and turning it into pure determination. I have the power to do that. Or so I keep telling myself.
I will get through this course.
Also, I'm in love with Mumford and Sons. I borrowed the CD from the asian ottowaian and it's great. It will get me through this torture tonight. And the many nights that follow.
On the plus side, there's a kegger I'm looking forward to this friday. Fuck, I need to get drunk. And soon. This sobriety is almost worse than the CS course. I don't know how people are able to major in this shit.
Fuck. The wines done.
Goddamn.

Hand Turned To The Sky

I'm bleeding, I'm bleeding
I'm feeling, I'm feeling
I'm tossing, I'm turning
My stomach is churning
My face won't present it
I'm sitting, I'm writing
I'm feeling, I'm knowing
My eyeballs are dry and
I'm blinking and breathing
My mouth tastes like chalk
And my hair is all falling
In front of my face
My eyes aren't working
I'm floating, I'm jumping
I'm spitting, I'm running
I haven't left my seat
But I haven't lied yet
My scalp is crying
My ears are ringing
But no one will know it
If my face won't present it
And through the slit in the window
The world is presented
On a concrete platter
Partially hidden, as worlds often are
But the truth is still out there
Waiting to check to see if you're still looking
To see if your seeking
As hide and seek goes
I'm losing, I'm losing
The truth always knows
The truth always goes
Away- but comes back
For round two, and three and four
So long as the pen never leaves the paper
I'm fucking, I'm screwing
I'm using crude words
To break out of a shell
A mold- Imposed
Alllllllll the world knows it
They come out at night
When no one is looking
And judging and staring
Or so they think and
Hope and pray
But the truth (that we've found)
Is simple and clear
We are crude
And I count
The number of men,
and women,
I've fucked
Tick them off
Little checks in a list
To-do list indeed
To-done
To-day
It makes me laugh
And I pretend not to care
Slut! Whore! Frank. Honest.
Synonymous?
For me
They are
I am
Dispossessed.
Do I belong?
Can I belong?
Will I ever belong?
I pretend not to care
But I'm bleeding, I'm bleeding
I'm feeling, I'm trying
I'm crying
I'm dying.

Kay, so the hole is over there.

No, on the other side of the apple. Thereee ya go. Hahahaha, you totes thought I was going in a different direction with that "whole" thing.
Lol, no pun in tended.
Get it, cause it's "whole" thing, instead of that "hole" thing? Shuddup, it was funny in my head -_-

ANYWHO. There is a story behind the title, and it's all part of my entertaining.... evening? Yeah, sure, cause the entertainment started around 6ish. So I went to go see the gay brit and we chilled for a bit then headed back to his dorm. He lives on an all boys floor and I had to pee and he's like "no worries, just go use ours. It's a unisex bathroom". I believed him. Walked in and saw a bunch of guys peeing and brushing their teeth. The worst part is, I didn't turn around and say sorry "wrong room". I walked in. Went to a stall. Sat down. And peed. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME??? One of the guys told me, as I was leaving, "maybe it'll be best if you use the bathroom upstairs next time". I almost died of embarrassment. Then, back in gay brits room, we were drinking these apple cider alcohol drinks (that are super awesome and come in Tall Boy cans) and we found some writings under his shelf, above his pillow. I was reading them and one said a guys name and the year 85-86 underneath it. SO we decided to look this guy up and see where he is at this point in his life. We found him through google and then managed to find his e-mail address and decided to write to him and tell him the we were in his old room and stuff. We haven't heard back from him yet, but it was super exciting. As I mentioned earlier, this was all done while drinking this cider which got me fairly intoxicated. When we had to part ways, I to go him and him to continue his frosh duties, I was kinda drunk and had a half hour walk back home- where we had celebratory champagne (which we later found to be sparkling white wine, not champagne) with our dinner. Needless to say, I was pretty drunk after dinner. We decided to go for a walk and went through this petting zoo/garden/park thing and had a good time climbing things and being stupid and walking on railway tracks. On our way back home we found that one of my housemates (who we will dub WL- because she goes to Laurier) had lost her phone. None of the rest of us brought phones. We couldn't call her to help us find it and we didn't know what to do. So we just kinda looked around but couldn't find it anywhere. I told them I'd go to the house to get a flashlight and a phone to help us look. On my way back after I'd gotten the stuff, I ran into our.... neighbors? Well, they live in a subdivision of our house/building. And I ran into them- as they were lighting a bowl. It was an apple bong. For those who don't know, an apple bong is when you poke a hole into the apple from the stem, and then (I believe) you poke another hole in the side and connect the two "tunnels". You put the weed in the part of the apple with a stem, on top of some tin foil or filter, and smoke through the side hole. It's pretty intense and I had been craving weed that day. We said hello and introduced ourselves because we hadn't really met before, and they offered me a hit. I really wanted to, but I was in a rush to go help WL. They insisted (and I can't say no to weed) so I took a hit. After talking a bit more they asked to see the house and then showed me their house. They then, eversokindly, offered to help with the search. Thus, I found a search party. One of the guys hurt his wrist jumping a fence so him, his girlfriend and one of the guys headed back leaving just me and WL and 3 of the guys we met. One of the neighbors eventually found the phone just as we were going to give up our search so we headed back and I invited them in for tea. I was hoping they'd say no cause I was super exhausted and it was already past 1am then. Unfortunately they accepted and I had to stay up making them tea and entertaining them and stuff.

Goddamn I'm tired. Think I'll have to leave the story here. Though, not much else happened, it was jut really entertaining watching this guy trying to get me to invite him (alone) to stay longer as the other two left. He asked for my number then texted me saying "what are your plans for tonight?" Hahahaha. But he was cute. And sweet. Not really my ideal, but I guess I'd be happy dating him. He'd be acceptable.
As much as I'd love to write more, my eyes are slowly closing on me.
Night!

College (noun): The party before the hangover known as adulthood.

^Pretty much a summary of how I feel right now. I'm practically all moved in to the new house- just waiting on my mattress. Currently sleeping on the couch, cuddled nicely in blondie's blanket. I can't get over the fact that we've all moved in, it feels almost surreal. Like, I might just wake up tomorrow and find I'm back in my parent's house again and this moving business was all just a dream. God, that's a terrifying thought.

Totally off topic, but I need to mention this, then I can return to my new house talk. First of all, not really loving this new blogger business. I hate when they tell you to "try" a new layout but there's no return button after you've decided you don't like it. Gahhhh. Second of all, I've started gathering all my loose leaf and notebook bound writings and I've decided I should probably post them before they go missing again. The only thing is THERE IS SOO MUCH. I'll probably start working on it eventually.

So. The house. Fuck, it's awesome. It's super old and shit, and creaks a whole ton, but it's super homey and there's a vibrant blue light in one of the corridors (chyeahhhh, not just a hallway, a corridor) that kinda looks like it should be a black light, and the walls have super old wallpaper on them, and there's a fireplace, and an attic that has a poster of Megan Fox that the last tenants left behind, and... well, you get my point. This list could easily just keep going, but it's late, and I'm tired from moving and unpacking so I'll proceed with the rest of what I wanted to say. I absolutely love that we're all gonna be living together. Sure, it might be difficult at times, dealing with each others, I dunno, flaws? or whatever, but it's worth it. We're gonna be like a real family. Except, a real family that drinks and parties together. Chyeahhhhhhhh. I like saying that. It makes me feel super badass.
We had a great first night. Had everyone from the other house over, played a fucking awesome (stressful) game of Taboo, and just had an overall good time.
Kay, I'm far too tired.. and cold, to think clearly enough to be able to write more. SO goodnight :)

The Devastation Was Just Incredible

I find my tattoos incredibly calming, it's great to look at them and think "this is forever". Especially when so many things in life are just temporary. And insignificant. After a fight with my parents, for example, I look at them and think. This is temporary in comparison to my tattoos. Better things will come.

On another note ALL TOGETHER, I had a super weird dream the other night. I had spent the day with my grandma and was spending the night at her place as well, and fell asleep at around 2/3ish. I woke up at 8 (I thought) but it was just a dream. So when I thought I'd woke up, V and Tall White Boy walked into the apartment and started rearranging the furniture and then just plopped down on the couch. Then I woke up. Actually.
Hahaha, yeah, super random, and I don't really see any significance in it, I just thought it was amusing so I shared. Also, had a great time last night with Toto and the gay british man, we went down to the beaches and I gave him his birthday gift (a box of dog hair and a "pin the macho on the man" poster game :P). We walked around a bit, ate dinner at the Green Eggplant (super yummy) and then ginger and her friend (the guy we stayed with when we went to queens last year) came to the beaches and joined us. We spent the hour or so together sitting on the beach while playing "breastketball" with rocks and handfuls of sand. It was greatly entertaining, if not a little painful. I've got a couple little bruises now. Lol. But yeah, that's all for now.
Oh, wait, no. Forgot to mention. The trip has been decided. We're going to P.E.I. on the 27th and we get back on the 4th I think, which means I won't be able to movie in till either the 5th or 6th. Which really reallly realllyyyyyy sucks. I'LL BE MISSING SINGLE AND SEXY!!! Gahhhhh, it's making me really angry. But not actually angry, just kinda depressed :(

Boys Don't Cry

I don't know what it is, but I've been super emotional the past little while. Honestly, I figured it was just cause work was stressing me out, but I dunno, it seems a bit much to be simply a symptom of exhaustion. Par example, I was watching this movie "Boys Don't Cry" (gosh, it was a great movie, about a trans guy... f2m, and how he fell in love with this girl, but because they lived in hick town he kept it a secret, until everyone found out and a) raped him, b) beat him, and eventually c) killed him) and (back to my point) at the end of the movie when one of the dickheads puts a gun to Brendan's (the main character) head and pulls the trigger, I LITERALLY started bawling my eyes out. I was crying so hard, my dog came and sat in my lap and gave me kisses to try and cheer me up. I was so heartbroken over it that I was still crying at the end credits, and then my parents came home (they were at my grandma's) and saw me crying on the couch and got super concerned. I told them it was nothing, just a really sad movie and they kinda laughed at me *sadface*. Well, they didn't actually laugh at me, they just kinda smiled that knowing smile and my mum said "Aww, why did you sit and watch a sad movie by yourself? You should have watched it with me so I could hold you when we cried." Except she said it in farsi so it sounded more endearing.

On another note altogether, I'm torn. The family wants to go on vacation at the end of the month and our initial plans were going to P.E.I., but then my aunts decided they were going on a group trip to mexico, and they want us to go too. Thing is, I don't know which I want to do. P.E.I. is beautiful, and more cultured and peaceful and has beautiful scenery. Plus I've never been. Mexico, on the other hand, is hot sexy and full of free alcohol (we'd be staying at a resort) and sexy men. I don't know if I'm sexy enough to go to mexico, especially if the rest of my toothpick sized family is going. Ugh, I feel like a fucking cow when I stand next to my cousin. She's like, a third of my size and twice my height. Fucklife. I know, I'm being super shallow right now, but I can't help it- it comes with this new super emotional thing I'm going through. Maybe I am just tired. *Sigh* ah well, time for bed, work in the morningggg. Gahhh.

This Feels Right

You know how when something is right, but you don't know it's right, you just know it feels right? I don't really know why I mentioned that feeling, but it'd be super great if you knew the feeling anyways. Not for my benefit, but for your own. It's a truly great feeling. Not to mention, I'm kinda totally feeling it about my new blog make-over.
Bythewayyyy, I have some GREAT news. I've finally bought my furniture set for my room! Well, I haven't technically bought it yet, but my dad shook hands with the guy who's selling it to us, which is practically the same thing. It's great, small enough to fit in my room, but smart enough to permit a good amount of storage room. Hopefully it'll fit as perfectly as I see it in my head. Best part is that the guy is selling me the whole fucking set for a mere 250. Like, seriously? It's fantastic. Although, I did feel super guilty for not buying it from the furniture whole sale stores we were looking at. The stores were practically deserted when we were looking at the bed sets and the poor owners looked absolutely desperate to make a sale. They literally just kept dropping the price till they came to about 500 for a whole set, which gave them (according to my dad) almost no profit. I felt like it was my duty to help them out by buying something from them. Though, I guess it's not my fault- I'm a fucking university student. I can barely afford school. (That's a complete lie, I can't afford school. At all.)
Anywho, enough of this depressing financial talk. I am just so excited to move in, and I keep freaking out when I see the date and realize there's literally 2 weeks until I can live freely again. OH MA GAWD, I CANNOT FUCKING WAIT.
Asides from wanting to get out of here, it is without a doubt that I miss everyone like fucking crazy. (Sorry if I'm swearing more than usual, there was a stupid fight thing with my parents today and I guess I'm still kinda pissy.) Especially V. I really miss V. We've been texting a lot, and really randomly too. I think our last conversation started with him texting saying "I was thinking about co-op and I thought of you", or something like that. Of course I miss everyone else as well, like blondie and the brit and the asian ottawaian, but for some reason I've been thinking about V a lot lately.
Uhmm, I think that's it, plus I'm super exhausted. Fuck- because I didn't work 4 days, I immediately fell back into my old routine of going to bed at 5 in the morning. It's ridiculous. Plus, I have work on thursday so I'm gonna be screwedd. Fffffffff.
Ah well. Time for bed! Tata for now <3

I Wear My Sunglasses At Night

So I can, so I can 
Watch you weave 
Then breathe your story lines.


Gosh, I love that song. But only those first lyrics. They keep repeating in my head whenever someone mentions shades. Lol, anywho, I just got back from the twins place, BY FUCKING CARRR. Fuck yeah. Driving is cool *cool face*. Uhm, right, I just got back from the twins', we went to an open mic thing at this ADORABLE little coffee shop/bookstore called Covernotes. Love it. It was pretty sick, this one girl sang some of her own songs then did covers of Morissette and Twain. Haha, I feel so cultured, referring to people by their last names. Oh, nighttime, what a fool you make of me. Or maybe it's just me. You know, being me. 
Getting off track. I was talking with her about what I should get the gay brit for his birthday, and I told her how I had originally wanted to get him sexy underwear and a box of fur (it was in reference to a text conversation me and him had had regarding my current place of employment and his interest in a new fur coat). Unfortunately, I could not find the text in order to validate the direction of my gift, so I brought it up with him and he said "If I said no, we never had that (a conversation where he asked me to bring him dog fur), but we did have a conversation about getting me a man, would that change the gift?" (That was a direct quote) SO I said sure. Now I want to get him a man, I was thinking either a blow up doll, or a ken. And I'm still going to put it in a box of dog fur. I don't know why I'm talking about this, I just thought it was a very entertaining gift idea and figured you'd like to know. If anyone is still reading this. Or if I'm reading this, you know, later on in my life, when I decide to go back and peruse my youth and adolescence. Peruse. Haha, I didn't believe that was a real word at one point in time. I believe I was editing the tall white (dickhead's) essay and came across the term. I gave him a funny look signifying "what the fuck is this?" and was informed of the terms definition. Now it's just fun to say :P


"Dickhead" was mean, and I suppose uncalled for. I guess that because we haven't spoken at all lately, I still haven't gotten over what happened. Which is a bitch cause we'll practically be living together this year. FUCK. 


I love this feeling of release. I get it each time I start writing again. I'll usually start writing and be all "I have nothing to say" but then I get to typing, or writing, or whatever and suddenly all these words and thoughts and ideas start flowing out of my fingers and it get's me wondering, where were these feelings hiding for all this time?! Like, how did I survive with all these words bubbling underneath my surface?


Kay, is it just me, or has my writing style changed since... before? I don't know what it is, but as I reread what I've typed I'm kinda just thinking to myself, where is this coming from? I feel like I sound funny. Not funny like, humorous, but funny like- different. Hard to explain. Hopefully this makes sense to my reader. Whoever you may be. 
Hmmm, I may have had this thought before, but let me say it again, considering this is my blog, I seem to refer to the alleged reader a good number of times. 
At any rate, it's time for bed, I have to go furniture shopping tomorrow. *Sigh*

I Guess I'm Talking About Lovee

It was time for a face lift. Fact of the matter is, I don't feel like constant darkness. I've been happier of late, and I want to embrace that. It's nice not feeling super depressed all the time. Not saying I was super depressed all the time or nothing, but you know what I mean. Or maybe you don't. God know's I don't know what I mean. Like that. Did that even make sense? Oh gosh, I've been away from university too long, my late night tolerance has diminished. It's only 2 and I've lost all coherence.
Anywho, I was going on about this face lift business. I just felt like it was time for a change. I'm working on changing myself as well. Gonna loose weight and start dressing better (and less slobbily) and try to make an effort in life. Kay, maybe not that last bit, I don't take kindly to effort. But you get my drift. Geez, I don't know why I insist on suggesting that the reader always understand my trains of thought. Haha, trains. Oh. Dear. Maybe I should leave this post for later.
No.
Less procrastinating this year. I am determined. Actually, I don't have much to write, to be honest. I feel like I've changed a lot. Not recently, per say, just overall. Through the course of my life. I have evolved into a whole new person. Or, as I have often said "into myself".
You know something weird? I was randomly trying to remember the blog address for one of my exes. But I can't remember it and it's driving me insane. I don't think he uses it anymore anyways, I'm pretty sure it was solely created for when we were dating. Not to document our relationship, per say, just, I think he started the blog cause he liked that I had one. Dunno.
Speaking of exes, I'm kinda sad that I've grown so far apart from all of them. I mean, I used to think I was good at maintaining friendships, but now that I think about it, I'm not really friends with any of them anymore. And it's not just the exes either. I've lost a number of friendships. Like, my high school "friends". I don't know why I put that in quotations. No, I do know why. Cause we weren't really friends, I guess. Considering I had said I wouldn't be super depressing anymore, this is fairly depressing. Hrmm. Guess that's something I should work on.
Meh. Time for sleep :)

It's Not Quite Like Today's Bullshit

Oh boy, I can’t believe how long it is since I’ve written anything. I can’t help it though, I’m so afraid of ruining what I’ve fixed with my parents. And I can’t help but be afraid that they are still reading this. Or stalking my internet. Or whatever. Regardless, I miss writing, and I figured if I wrote this while out at Williams, they can’t tap into the internet, and thus, cannot read it. I’m hoping my theory holds. Might as well give it a shot. Alright, lots to say, and so little time. Not really sure where to start… I suppose I should clarify what I was talking about in the last post. Remember how there was the guy I dated in elementary school, and then we hooked up in high school and he kept wanting to hook up again during uni? Well, me and him now have this random sex thing, where we’ll figure out one another’s schedule and get together on free days for same (really great) sex and some (equally great) weed. The reason I wanted to vent about this was that I was super confused as to what he wanted from me, like- if he wanted a relationship or just to use me, and a whole ton of other stuff along those lines. That’s less of an issue now, cause I confronted him about it last time whilst high and pretty much just stated “this is just sex, right?” and then went about my business. Oh, andddd, while we’re on the topic of sex and whatnot, I should probably inform you of the absolute worst sex of my life. Haha, that sounds kinda melodramatic, but I’m not even exaggerating. No, it wasn’t with the same guy as I’ve mentioned above, it was just a hookup at my friends party. I was having a blast getting wasted and high and all that fun stuff, and was also playing some randomass video game that I don’t recall the name of. I didn’t know how to play, but everyone just kept saying to hit buttons, and apparently I’m really good at hitting random buttons. So I was really kicking my friends ass at this game when this guy comes and starts telling me how great I am and puts his hand on my knee etc. Won’t go into details about the sex (mainly cause it sucked) but I will say this: He spanked me. Yeah. It was just really weird. And so bad. And now every time I hear someone say “Oh, you’re such a good girl” to their dog or something, I start feeling sick. Ugh.

Enough about that, let’s move on to the next topic. Which is all the fun I have (and haven’t) been having while at home for the summer. Like, I’ve had some great fun visiting with friends and I saw the gay brit a couple times, once when he stayed over (oh ma gawd, great story, I should talk about that next) and once when I went there. Also spent a shit ton of time with the ginger and toto (last time I saw the ginger we smoked hookah at her place and watched the original alice in wonderland movie), and got to see the girl I became friends with during second semester english. Haven’t come up with a nickname for her yet. Hrmm. Wonder what I should call her, I mean, we’ve been hanging out a lot lately, I feel like I should have something to refer to her by. I think I’ll go with lis. Yeah, that works. For a number of reasons, actually. But none I can mention cause they work in regards to her name. Right, well, me and lis were hanging out a little while ago, and had a blast hanging out- went for pizza, checked out a great book store, and ate jelly belly beans.

Ooh, speaking of books, I’ve been reading some really great ones. I read The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo and LOVED it. It was SO FUCKING GOOD. I couldn’t put it down. I finished it in only a few days, and that book is about 800 pages long. I was so sad when I finished it, and so found the other two of the trilogy and sped through those too. I was kinda nervous that the ending would leave us wanting more, or be a cliffhanger or something, because apparently the author died before the books were published. Thankfully, the ending was perfect and I had absolutely no complaints- other than the fact that it was done. Unfortunately, the book I started reading after the trilogy really sucked, so I had to put it down midway. Luckily, during my hangouts with the gay brit, we also went to a bookstore and he introduced me to a great book called The Eyre Affair by Jasper Fforde. So far it’s fascinating and absolutely hilarious.

Right, so the gay brit staying over. Well, that day me and ginger went downtown with some friends with the plan to get drunk and go watch our friends cousin participate in a performance of Repo! The Genetic Opera. I was unaware of this at the time, but apparently the same way people do Rocky showings, they do Repo showings too. It was fucking brilliant. Right so, we went downtown, and met up with the brit and got lost a couple times, and then proceeded to my friend’s cousins place, after which we got lost (again) and finally found the place we were trying to get to. From there we proceeded to the LCBO only to find there was a massive crown of people wanting to get their booze on. So a couple of waited outside and sang along with this busker who was serenading us. As per usual, I got super intoxicated super fast, and started holding hands and singing songs with the brit the entire way to the theatre. Afterwards I had to deal with my classic post hangout freakout, concerned with smelling like either alcohol or cigarettes and not wanting to get caught by my parents. The brit hadn’t seen this side of me before cause of uni and I was scared that it would make him think poorly of me, but that might have just been the alcohol talking. We finally got to my place at around 2am ish and my parents weren’t happy. Luckily, they were in bed and didn’t talk to us or nothing. Crisis averted. We spent some time just chilling in my bed listening to music and then fell asleep. It was really great. Oh, and then the second time I saw him, I went down to the beaches and met up with him there. We went for food (had these super awesome veggie burgers, oh ma gawd, I died- they were so good) and then sat by the beach and (surprise surprise) sang songs and yelled at geese.

I also got to hang out with my panda a couple times, which was great. He’s so much fun to talk to, and just, hang out with. He’s really funny and really easy to talk to, doesn’t care about boundaries and is ok with talking about pretty much anything. It was actually pretty funny, we were on our way to get sushi and ran into a couple of those Jehovah’s Witnesses. They started trying to “get us on the right path” and we had a lot of fun questioning their beliefs and trying to disprove what they had to say. Very respectfully and all, but still.

Almost forgot to mention the scavenger hunt! Oh gosh, that was sooo much fun. Me and some friends usually love doing the random Improv Toronto events and show up to as many of them as we can. The most recent was the scavenger hunt. We were given a list of things we had to find, take a picture of and answer. And each thing was located somewhere around downtown Toronto. We found about 75% of the things on our list and had a blast looking for them. I learnt about a ton of new places, which was pretty cool too.

Also, I’ve got a job now, though I can barely call it that cause they’re not giving me any shifts. At all. They gave me 3 10 hour shifts in a row during opening week but nothing since then. FML. Luckily, come July I have two weeks work as a secretary at a doctor’s office. And then, after that I’m gonna start work at a Rogers store cause my dad knows the guy that runs it and asked if he had an opening or anything. The guy said he did but he didn’t want me to leave for the two weeks in July so I said I’d start after them. Woott! Work! Thank heavens. In the meantime, during my worklessness I’ve spent my time glued to the tv cause I started watching Angel again (a great tv show about a vampire “detective” who “helps the helpless”. I love it.) and just finished the last episode today. It’s five seasons long. I got through it in about two weeks. How sad is that? But I haven’t been completely lifeless, for the most part. I mean, I go to the gym a couple times a week (I’ve gotten addicted to Yoga, hoping to find a class to sign up to in Waterloo when I get back) and there’s the chill sessions with people.

This weekend I was supposed to go to Wasaga with some friends where we were gonna rent a cottage by the beach and bask in the awesomeness that is the beach. Unfortunately, the group decided to just do one day, and expect me to cough up 50 bucks to go go-karting with them. Because I don’t have that kind of money, I’m probably not gonna go. Luckily, lis is going to be downtown again this weekend, so I’ll probably just go spend the weekend with her and (hopefully) get super wasted.

Uhmm, right! Me, my mom and my sister are planning on getting matching tattoos. We’re considering getting a lotus flower, representative of divinity, peace and beauty. Though the main relation to us is the peace aspect. Because of our relationship, having something that reminds us of peace while also reminding us of one another is quite an accomplishment.

Lastly, I was going through some of my old documents and I found a conversation between me and the last boyfriend. The one with the anxiety issue. The one who turned out to be a douche bag who thought our relationship was a joke. If you could read the conversation I just read, you would know for a fact- that relationship was anything but a joke. We really cared about each other, and we got along really well. We understood what the other was saying, and could always relate. We were comfortable being perfectly honest, and could joke around. And I’d even told him about the fact that I didn’t attach any emotion to sex during that conversation. You knew that sex didn’t matter to me. You probably don’t read my blog anymore, but if you do, I want you to know that our relationship wasn’t a joke. It really mattered. To both of us. Or at least to me.

Uhmm, I’m sure there’s more to say, but I can’t really remember every single thing that’s happened over the last two months, so I think I’ll just leave it at that and see if I can squeeze in another post at some point in time before I start school again.

But I’ll close with something interesting. Last time I got high, I decided to write down what I was thinking about. It was a really great high and we went to the forest and just enjoyed the beauty of it. It was like an adventure, and I loved every second of it. I literally stood and stared at a patch of forest for about two hours, and it was the most amazing experience of my life. The forest was so… alive. And it was talking to me, and.. oh gosh, I wish I could explain it all to you. Unfortunately, I don’t remember all the details, so I’ll just type out what I had written and share that with you. Bear in mind, I was high, so coherence wasn’t my top priority.

“I sense there’s something in the air, a silence coming, a new wall burning. Just words. So many faces, they pass me by and by. Itchy itchy. They come a biting, knocking on your door. They will be pouncing, and just creating words. It’s always moving. I’ll never remember the tune. You don’t see it anymore. You shot (?[I can’t read the word for sure]) yours and only memories of a dream remain. I’m so high I can touch the sun. I’m burnt down to a crisp, you see. There’s so much more I want to write down. They fleet so quickly by though. You want to get rid of me, but I refuse to go. Not because I want you, no. Because I want to stay. That is the end of that one, you say, and falsely wipe a tear. You whisper I’ll be coming up for more. Attempts to pretend, but knows not how to. Mmm, Angel. I should pack up my shit and let him be free to go. Could I come back at all or will I fall down through the hole? He keeps hinting and nudging. Let us go, he pleads, help us all beware! She’s mad as a hatter and ready to call out to the children and branches and brethren.”

I realize that little of that made sense, but to fill you in, I was actually talking about the guy I was with at the end, and how he kept trying to get rid of me, and how he thought I was insane. 

Every Now and Then I Fall Apart

The last post wasn't directed to you, if that's what you were thinking, I DO follow a number of 'em :)
By the way, I can't believe how bad it is, I though it was just a small thing, I hope you get better soon <3

I miss my floor, my friends, my life. Plus, I miss being able to talk to someone about something the minute after it happens, I can't do that while I'm home, cause ginger is in NY right now, and Toto doesn't really know how to relate to this sort of thing. I want to tell you what it is I'm talking about when I say "this sort of thing" but I'm still scared that my parents can read what I right, and it makes me nervous. BUT I WANT TO VENT ABOUT IT. I reeeeaaalllyyy want to go see my shrink again :( Haha, it's funny how I want her so badly now after resenting being forced to see her at first.

Basically, the number is 14 now.

Turn Around

Getting bored of reading what she has to say, it's mostly about that anyways. Meh, whatever, her life, her choice. My main concern right now is my parents. Now that I'm back home for the summer, life's gonna go back to how it was in highschool, i.e., torture. Plus, I'm scared they're still following what I do on the internet, and thus, am scared they'll be able to read this. Achhh, I don't want to deal with this again. But I don't know what to do. For now I've just been laying low, doing whatever they want me to, haven't even left the house yet, like, since I got back. The blog is my main concern in regards to them, and I suppose it wouldn't hurt to write less over the summer, but I don't think I'll be able to not write. I don't know. I'm kinda hoping I'll see the shrink again. I miss her. And she always knew what to say, or how to fix something. But it was super expensive to see her. It cost a whole 200 bucks each time I saw her for an hour. God, those people make good money. I don't know if we can afford it on top of school fees. Maybe if I find a job I'll be able to pay for it, but we'll see.
On another note, he's trying to hook up with me again. I've agreed to go out for coffee with him sometime this week. I just hope it stays at coffee and doesn't go any further.
We shall see.

Philosophy of Mind

Can you believe it? I am going to be done my first year of University in about.. 26 hours.
HOLY FUCK.
It just flew past, I barely even remember the beginning of the year anymore.
This is weirrdd.

Having a Day From Hell

I'm getting fed up with this, not only have I practically lost the friendship I had with her, now I'm losing her too. Before, they were, as a couple, but I could still imagine they were separate people. I can't see it anymore. They're always together, they're hardly ever joining the rest of us, she didn't join us for her roommates birthday, AND I tried calling her today, and got her voicemail. It is a ridiculous message intertwining their two voices alternatively, saying that they aren't there to pick up the phone. IT'S A FUCKING CELL PHONE. There is no "our" in cell phone. A SINGLE PERSON owns a cellphone.

Yes, I realize I'm being a bitch about this, but I'm just getting really fed up and I'm already freaking out over tomorrow's exam, and I miss being friends with the person I thought was going to be my university bestie. Yeah, I know you read this, I just didn't really want to talk to you about it. Plus, I needed to vent, and this is technically where I vent, and I didn't know where else to write it. I can't believe I'm apologizing for saying whats on my mind on my blog. I used to think I'd be able to write whatever on here without freaking out about it, but now I'm just trying to keep writing so I can keep myself from clicking "Publish Post" cause I'm scared I'll hurt your feelings if I post this. So I'm trying to convince myself that it is my "safe place", the only place I can be completely honest, and that I should be able to write whatever I want here.

As I've said repeatedly, I do still love you, I just really don't like him, and what your relationship has done to your friendships with EVERYBODY. I remember the beginning of the year, and all the drama we dealt with because he was such a douche bag to you and would only hook up with you. How I'd sit and talk with you about how he'd come around eventually, and some other random shit. I think I was more ok with him then. I used to hug him *shudder*. I don't even think it's him I dislike so much as it is how you guys act as a couple. I'm sure I still dislike him, I just don't know why. He gets on my nerves.

Ugh, I should probably get back to studying now. That was a good rant. I hope it doesn't sound really mean or anything, that wasn't the direction I was going for. It was supposed to be more reflective, and venting, I suppose. Which means it may be kinda angry.
KAY, NO. I HAVE TO STOP NOW.

It Wasn't Going So Well

Wouldn't it be logical for us to consider those who believe in God as Schizophrenic? I mean, I'm not saying I don't believe in God, just that, we are pledging faith in an almighty being we've never seen before. Don't people get locked up for believing in something other people can't see?
Logically, we should be considered crazy.
Just saying.

Sand and Foam

This weekend was pretty sick, I wasn't expecting it to be as much fun as it was. I went home on friday, mainly to drop off some stuff, but also because the ginger, toto and I were going to the Tim Burton exhibit on saturday (which was INCREDIBLE). I got a ride home from a friend, which was awesome and highly convenient, plus, he's cool and I like his girlfriend :P. I think I was supposed to offer to chip in for gas, but I mean, it's not like I asked him to come get me, he was dropping a friend off in Waterloo, so I asked if I could go back with him. I probably should've offered anyways. Ah well, too late now.
As I said, the exhibit was great, a bunch of Tim Burton's artwork, and notes from the movies, and costumes, and just... stuff. Plus, we went to this really great food place before the exhibit and I had THE. GREATEST. PIZZA. EVER. Literally.
After the exhibit, we headed off to the pillow fight. I should explain. We like doing the events hosted by Improv Toronto, which is why we did the no pants subway ride, and the free hugs, and the other random stuff. Yesterday, they hosted a massive pillow fight, and people brought pillows, had a pillow fight and then donated the pillows to a charity thing. We spent the whole day lugging these pillows around, getting numerous looks from people, and a very entertaining encounter at the exhibit, cause security asked us to check our pillows into coat check :P. It was funneh.
SO, we went to the pillow fight and it was fun for about... ten minutes. Then we got bored. Luckily. we were prepared. We pulled out our free hug signs and started calling out things like "Stop the pillow fights!" "Violence is not the answer!" "Share hugs, not feathers!" etc., and that got a lot of attention, people were super excited to get hugs, and I think everyone took a picture of us. It was weird, but great fun, cause getting hugs always makes me smile.
We went to Timmies after, and met up with some old highschool friends, which was cool, but we had to leave early cause the ginger's dad was giving us a ride back. Overall, it was a good day.

Before I bring this to an end, I'd like to say to blondie, that we still love you, and we do still want to hang out with you all the time.. just preferably not with him... all the time. Just saying :D Also, SO EXCITED FOR THE HOUSE NEXT YEAR!!!

That is all.
<3

Worst Friend Ever

This girl is fucking ridiculous. I mean, I have spent endless hours letting her vent to me about all the nonsense in her life, and the one time I ask her for anything, she replies with an "oops"?! Basically, as stated in my last post, I appear to have caught a cold, or flu, or something. I couldn't make it to my film class cause I could hardly get out of bed. I texted her asking her to talk to the prof, and ask if I could borrow the movie we watched in class, so I could do the paper we have to hand in on wednesday. At the end of class, I texted her again, to make sure she talked to the prof, and she texts "opps :s". Reallly? After all the times I've done shit for you, helped you out, been there for you, you couldn't even remember to talk to the prof for me?! Sweetheart, I'm afraid we can't really be friends anymore. No wonder your ex was all like "she treats me like a dog". Pfft, and you thought that was uncalled for.
Ugh.

Oh Germs

How you have forsaken me!
I suppose it is logical that I would be sick with a cold and horrible sore throat right now, after the events of the weekend, but I must say, I'm quite proud of myself nonetheless. You see, the ginger came up to visit this weekend, and we went to this club event, a paint party. It was a lot of fun, and we each danced with numerous people, and I (only) made out and grinded with the guys I was dancing with. Though, there were two instances where the guys tried to get me to go home with them, I was either not drunk enough, or just wise enough to finally get myself out of it (with the twins assistance :)). I don't care how comfortable I am hooking up, I'm not gonna keep fucking random strangers. End of story- but not really, because now I've got a hickey on my neck and a ridiculously bruised lip *sigh*. Luckily, the smaller hickeys faded away already.
After the party was ending, and we were stuck waiting outside in the FREEZING COLD wearing our wet t-shirts, and jackets. The jackets were useless though, considering how soaked we all were. We got home, took hot showers and collapsed, we were fucking exhausted. The next day was pretty chills though, we woke up mid-afternoon, hung out with the ever-entertaining group of gays I happen to be friends with, and then got high. Well, I got high with one of the gays. She wasn't in the mood for it, I suppose. Kinda felt bad, cause it was her weed. But she kept saying she wanted to get rid of it, and I wanted to get high. Thankfully, it was a good high too, no bad trip this time :).
*Sniffle* I'm sure theres more I'm supposed to say, there were a lot of thoughts I was having while I was high last night that I'd love to share, but I'm just not feeling up to it right now. I'm crazy exhausted, and my throat still feels like crap :(.

Reincarnation

In a past life, I was a man
This time around my limbs are still
and reach for the sky.
Little green petals cover my arms
and squirrels nest upon my brow.
My only movement is dictated by the wind
and yet I am so much more at peace.
This time around, I can peacefully see
and do naught but provide.
I feel no more selfish greed
instead feeling bliss in my everlasting stillness.
Suppose this life too shall come to an end,
perhaps next time I shall fly.

Why Won't You Release Me?

Honestly, I feel like the only time I ever have something to say on here, it's when I'm supposed to be working on an essay. I'm so fed up with us not being friends anymore. It just bugs me to no end. How are we supposed to live together next year if we aren't even talking anymore? How are we supposed to party together when we can't even look each other in the eye?

I keep seeing you being your usual self with everyone else. Remember when we were still friends? There were all the times chilling and doing homework in your room. We'd always get each other for food time, we'd talk, and laugh, and then there was the time you were going home for the weekend and came to say bye to me just as I was leaving my room in my towel, about to shower. Our awkward hug? The pool games we'd play, endlessly. The bus ride together that weekend we were both going home.

How did we loose all these more important things because of one stupid thing?
I couldn't care less for you romantically, but I'm so fed up with the change in our initial relationship and I don't know how to fix it. And that makes me sad.

Nonviolent Peaceforce

Is it wrong of me to still be in love with him?
It's tough to say that on here, because of the people who might be reading, but to those of you who are, no, it's probably not the him you're thinking about. It's the original him. The him I keep thinking back too, the him who I lost it for. The him who states I'm "fucking hot". Remember him?

I'm supposed to be working on my PACS thing, but he messaged me on Facebook and I got distracted. It wasn't a big thing, just a small "hello stranger"- we haven't talked in a while. Probably because he's got a new girlfriend. But I suppose the fact that we're both dealing with university now could be part of it too. Either way, I kinda wish he hadn't messaged me, reminding me how much I miss him. Just, being with him. Especially not now, after I've spent the past couple hours immersed in the drama of my current anime addiction (the episode I just ended with was this really touching and emotional drama bit because the main guy has decided to choose his former lover over the main girl, and the main girl has just realized how much she truly loves him. So much so that she's willing to stay with him while they continue their quest, even though he picked the other girl over her). I don't like thinking like this, it makes me feel vulnerable. Even now I feel like I might just burst into tears, but that may just be because it's 5 in the morning and I'm thinking the energy drink may have begun to wear off.

Feels So Good Being Bad

Can you believe it, there are EXACTLY 23 days left of my first year in University. TWENTY THREE DAYS! Holy Fuck. I mean, where the fuck did my school year go? What have I learned? Accomplished? Done?! I'm kinda freaking out, and it's not fun, especially considering I'm supposed to be working on my PACS paper right now (Peace and Conflict Studies) and I can't, because I didn't go to the event we're supposed to write about, so I'm kinda screwed atm.
On another note, I got my English essay back, the one about high school, and I was kinda disappointed at first, and my prof noticed, and she called me down after class, asking if I wanted to talk about my essay, I mumbled that there was nothing to say, and she gave me this little pep talk. (BTW, I had gotten a 79.6%) She started by asking me what year I'm in, I told her First. She said, your paper was great, I got really immersed while reading it, and I just want you to know that you got the third highest mark in the class, I don't want you to be disappointed with your grade. She goes on to inform me that we have numerous third and fourth year students in the class, and I still got the third highest mark. I was all excited and bubbly for the rest of the day. It was the first time a prof had cared enough to show me how proud they were of me. It was incredible! I kinda just wanna do better in all my classes so that I can maybe experience that again sometime. In the meanwhile, I have to continue working on these ridiculous, never ending papers.
BAHHUMBUG.

He Lied To Me

The blog I 1was lead to believe to be yours is that of a 16 year old female photographer.
That was uncalled for and low. I trusted you in giving you my actual blog and this is just ridiculous.
I'm probably not going to say anything to you directly, but because I know that you will be reading this, this is technically my way of telling it to you directly. If that made sense.
Basically, I'm mad at you -_-.

Twas A Dream

I'm in love.
We went to the drag show last night, and it was great fun, we danced and watched the performances and got really drunk and had a great time. After wards we got back and played truth or truth with a bunch of randoms until about 3 am, at which point most people left but me and gay blondie (not the ottawaian). We had this heart to heart talk for another two hours or so, and then went to bed. It was here that I fell in love. It sounds insane, but I feel like it really happened, it was all so real! I don't remember all the details but I think I was in this band or something, very comedic, and we were performing in a contest thing. This girl (who I feel like I've met before, somewhere) pulled me aside and dragged me to the girls bathroom. Then she started yelling at me for making her like me. I was really confused, but she seemed so sincere, and then she just, held me? I don't know, it was weird, and I do acknowledge this, but it was so great. Again, I know this was a dream, but it just felt so real that I don't understand. After the bit in the bathroom, I asked her if we were dating, I don't remember what she answered, but then she saved me from a paintball (the contest we were in was really intense, and people had to try to get the competition out by hitting them with paintballs during the breaks) and then disappeared. I remember crying. I didn't want her to leave, and I couldn't find her anywhere. I was looking all over the place and she was nowhere, and then she randomly showed up again, after a fire alarm in the building I was staying in.I don't remember the rest, but I do know that I felt like I was legitimately in love.

On another note completely, last night, during me and gay blondie's heart to heart, he mentioned something about how all girls wanted a gay best friend, and thats why everyone liked him in high school. I realized that I had always wanted a gay best friend too, and started thinking about that. It then occurred to me, that it was never so much that I wanted to have a gay best friend as it was that I wanted people to be comfortable around me. I wanted to be the girl gay guys could be comfortable around. Though, now that I think about it, maybe I wanted a to be able to be comfortable (myself) around a guy. Interesting, I've never really considered this before. I just know I always wanted gay friends.

Don't Unplug Me

I'm so fed up with.. nonsense. I mean, it's much more fun than sense, but it's so much more complicated at the same time. The type of nonsense I'm referring to specifically at this point in time, is drama. Ugh, but I'm so fed up with drama, and, more importantly, emotions! They make everything so much more difficult, like for that girl being around him when he's such a douche, or for that guy, being unsure of his sexuality and breaking down in front of everyone. Knowing that what they're doing isn't right, that they should deserve happiness, no matter at what means, that they deserve more. That sounds contradictory, but I'm slightly intoxicated at this point in time, so I don't give a shit. I'm just so fed up of being second hand, of being looked over. Shit, I need to buy alcohol, we're going out tomorrow. Fucckkerr.
Uhm.
What was I saying?
Right, uhm, (lawl, I was watching Alice In Wonderland last night cause I was high and it made sense, and when I say "uhm" in my head now, I remember how she pretended to be Um from Umbridge, and the queen welcomed her with open arms saying "anyone with a head that large is welcome in my court")  <--- That was a waste of a story, seeing as it had little to do with my current rant on self deprecation. I just feel so stupid right now.

I really want to lose weight.
I want my skin to stop freaking out at me.
I want to be more involved with political issues.
To be able to make a difference, and help people. Maybe be a LOT less hung up on myself, and all my idiocity. Focus on someone else and be there for them. Stop treating other people like second hand friends. Get a boyfriend. Or a girlfriend. Though, I think I'm leaning much more to the side of the straight. That's to say, I think I'm more into guys, and just "fluid" sexually. Either way, I want a someone, and I want to be a better someone myself. End of story.

I wonder what it was like in older days, when people carried perfume purses to keep from smelling bad, and would paint their faces white. I wonder what thoughts they had, if they wanted to change the world. I wonder if the cave men where happy, with their rocks and bows. Why did we change, how did this come about, where we not happier when we didn't know how to fuck ourselves over?
Wait, no, the time period when people painted their faces, they had alcohol then, didn't they? I believe so.
Blondie and whats-his-face ditched the party tonight, and decided instead to do their own thing behind locked doors. Once more, I see no relevance to my initial rant, but it was in my head and needed out. Also, I hadn't realized how much fun arguing was until V decided to start an argument with me about the depth of mainstream music in order to get me out of my boredom. It was highly entertaining, even though I didn't know he was just doing it to get a rise out of me, I felt so much more alive while I was making my point. It was the cats pajamas.
Speaking of pajamas, I feel I should turn in, I need sleeps.

The Tradition Continues

You know what? Four thousand words is alot of words. Like, I didn't even realize how many words it would be until I started writing and blanked after a thousand. Now I've made it up to two thousand, and I've got enough ideas for at least (hopefully) a couple hundred more. But even then, I've only got about 2500, maybe.

Hmmm, I was just remembering back in the day, when I was in grade eight, I think- my desk was facing my window then cause I liked watching the neighborhood kids play outside at night, it made me feel like I had a social life. I used to hide my books in my desk and I'd always be reading. I never felt like doing homework so I'd instead just read all these great books. There was one I was particularly in love with- Meyers Creek, or something like that. Oh, the innocence and simplicity of those days. God, I feel so old now.
Ugh, I have no time for this! I have to get back to my paper. But it sure was nice remembering how much easier everything was then. Granted, I'm pretty sure I'm just remembering the good parts, there was a lot of yelling all the time, and a lot of door slamming- in order to reiterate this, let me tell you that the door to my room back at home no longer has a doorknob.
Kay, back to essay!

I'll Be There For You

Last night was a difficult night. A lot more difficult than I had anticipated when I was showering and getting ready to go out. I had told myself that I'd hookup with someone, cause I've been really bored of not doing so lately, and so, decided that something exciting would happen. Boy, was I right. Exciting, sure. It was definitely an exciting night. Not quite what I had in mind, but definitely exciting. Started when me and the asian ottawaian were getting dressed and ready to get drunk. We were all ready and headed up to the gay brits floor when she decided she didn't want to drink. Only to inform me about ten minutes later, that she didn't want to go to the dance thing at all. So instead, me, the gay brit, his ex, this new guy and this girl were all getting wasted together. As we declined into the blissful state that is intoxication, we decided it was about time to go. Let me give you some background info first though. Uhm, kay, basically, the ex had told me that he was really interested in this new guy, but he was pretty sure that the new guy was straight. So yeah. As they wee getting more and more drunk, the ex was flirting with new guy more and more, and new guy was letting him. So that was that. We got to the dance and pretty much paired off into dance partners, except, I didn't really have a dance partner at first because the gay brit was dancing with the other girl, and the ex and the new guy were dancing together, so I was kinda flitting around between the two sets of partners. Gay brit breaks down mid dance with me, and we rush off out of the dance because he was really upset. We run out into the snow, jacketless, I might add, and start having this really intense, emotional heart to heart. I swear, that was probably the most emotional I've been since I got here. Actually, probably the most emotional I've been since that time I swallowed the pills. Then again, I was REALLY emotional that night whats-his-face was all like "don't seduce me", that hoe.

Sorry, I'm getting off topic. Uhm, so yeah, we were both really upset, and he was really upset and kept saying how no body loved him, or something like that (sorry, I may not have all the details 100%, I was really really drunk). Right, so, we were stumbling around in the freezing cold, and we just kept crying. I can't speak for him, but it kinda felt like we just both knew exactly how each of us felt. We connected. Everything made sense. And it made me sad. Not the connecting thing, just, everything. Hearing him say he had tried to kill himself, knowing exactly how that felt, knowing how it felt to be in a dysfunctional family, it was just all so blatantly clear, not only that we'd both experienced those things, but also just the fact that we had experienced those things. I don't know if that makes sense or not, but it does in my head. All of this always makes sense in my head. Everything always makes sense in my head. And I keep it in my head, but last night, it wasn't just in my head anymore. I was sad, and I was mad at him. I kept yelling at him to listen to me. I didn't want him to think he was alone, but he wasn't listening. I think that might be why I cried. I didn't know how to show him, or tell him that I got it. That I understood. So instead, I cried. I didn't mean to either, I meant to be strong for him.

Uhm, from there, he really didn't want to go back to the dance thing, but I was really cold, like, I felt like I was dying. Actually, I can paint this picture for you. Remember in the Titanic, scene were everyone is in the water, drowning and freezing? That's how cold I felt. I imagine that if I had stayed out for much longer, I'd actually be that frozen. We got back and saw that the other three were looking for us. As soon as he saw them, he bolted. He didn't want to deal with them, and had to leave. I get it, I guess, I just wish he'd have let me help him. I didn't want him to be alone, but I just couldn't go back in the cold, not right after getting inside. A couple people saw me come in from the snow. I must've looked really cold, cause they seemed concerned. Normally, people don't pay much attention to others. They definitely did.

That was the most eventful part of that, and after some more dancing (the asian ottawaian and some other floor mates turned up and wanted me to dance with them), the dance thing ended, but I was in too crappy a mood to be able to sober up. I needed greater intoxication. We had decided to go to this party, but apparently it was dying down when we wanted to head out, so that didn't happen. Everyone seemed to be done with the partying mood, so I was alone in my search for intoxication. I still had the joint my friend rolled me over reading week, so I took it my smoking buddy's room, and we smoked it in there. I was fucked. Bear in mind, I am a light weight, and I'd already had a lot to drink. Now add half a huge fucking joint to that, and imagine were I was. At first I was just really stoned, but then my drunkenness caught up with me, and I started feeling sick. I went to the bathroom and ended up puking on the floor, that was not fun. Honestly, the entire time I was just praying because I thought I was dying. I thought that this must be what death feels like. Guess not, but it was pretty fucking close. Finally, everything was puked up, so I cleaned up a bit, and got most of the vomit off the floor (didn't want to leave it for the cleaning staff, that would've been rude) and FINALLY went to bed.

Today wasn't much better, because I had a crazy hangover. Or maybe it wasn't a hangover, I just know I felt like shit. No headache or anything, just general crappy moodedness.Gay brit asked me to have dinner with him and started apologizing about last night, and told me how he didn't remember much of what happened, but that he was sorry because he remembered making me cry. Told me how he had this image of me being really sad in his head, and that it was difficult because he's never seen me sad before. Which made me realize, so few of my friends have ever seen me break down, and, considering how often that happens, it's kinda disconcerting. I mean, I think only the ginger and Toto have seen me after one of my fights with my parents, and the douche bag ex who no longer confronts my existence, the one that goes to Waterloo with me- I think he was there for a breakdown or two, I think. Or it may have just been the breakdown e-mail sent him before we actually started dating; and I think the asian ottawaian saw me the night I broke down in her room cause of whats-his-face. But other than that, I don't think my friends have seen that side of me. And if that's the case, can you really call them friends? I mean, aren't friends supposed to be there for the good and the bad? It's not like I don't love them because they haven't seen me cry, but it does make me question how real I am. I mean, it's almost like I'm not being myself around them.

*Sigh* all this is making my crappy mood slightly worse, so I'm gonna stop now, but before I do, let me just say that around the middle of the day, I was informed that the paper I thought to be due on march 30th is actually due tomorrow, and it's FOUR THOUSAND FUCKING WORDS. That is a lot of words. And I'm only at 423. SOOOOO, I'm gonna go work on that and hopwfully get it done tonight.

Though, I highly doubt it.

Sadface.

Need To Get Psycho

The brit and I want to start a band. We want to call it "The Orthadykes". It'll be a punk/indie band that sounds kinda like Tegan and Sarah, except Jewish. Lol, yes, I do realize that neither of us are Jewish, but we just saw this movie "Trembling Before G-d" and in the credits, they mentioned this orthodox Jewish lesbian group called the orthadykes. It was brilliant, and my first though was what a great band name that would be. So, we want to start a group on Facebook looking for people who have musical abilities and would be interested. Again, I also realize that I have no musical abilities, and so creating a band would be difficult, but we figure that we can be the "behind the scenes" people, plus, I could probably write some songs, or try to change some of my poems into more melodic song type things.

Meh, we'll see.

I'm really tired right now, cause I spent all of last night writing my English paper, which I finally finished, with little coherence, I might add, and now I get to do it ALL OVER AGAIN tonight when I attempt to write my Womens Studies paper. Bahhumbug. I'm in the library right now, and was planning on starting, but then go distracted by this blogging business. I still have about an hour before my next class starts, so I'll get started in a sec. Plus, I can probably do some work during said class, because I never take notes in it anyways. SO, it's all planned out, fear not :).

I know my topic is fascinating and all, I just really don't feel like writing. Well, writing an essay anyways. I'm enjoying this idle banter, and could probably continue rambling nonsense for a good little while. Before I do go and attempt to write my paper, I'd just like to say that I've been having some pretty weird dreams the past couple nights. I can't remember last nights right now, but the night before was REALLY weird. It was me and a group of friends, we were out on some kind of adventure. I was talking to this one kid about how I was jealous of my friend because she was spending so much time with this other friend, and how I really missed spending time with her, and one of my guy friends was sitting behind me, but me and him weren't really on good terms, but then he heard me sniffling or something, and, without turning around, he randomly reached his arm over and wiped at my tears. As I said, really random. And that wasn't even the most random bit; after my heart to heart with the kid, we were all getting up to leave, and I was suddenly alone in the room and was packing my stuff up (my stuff included a really big blanket and a bunch of random odds and ends that I don't distinctly remember), when this other kid walks into the room and starts talking to me about stuff. I don't remember where we were, or where the room was, but I'm gonna assume it was a school or something, because I didn't recognize the kid and I don't know where else I would find random kids. Then there was a final scene shift where I was rushing down a subway staircase, trying to case the bus before the doors shut.

Yeahhh. I'm kinda curious as to whether there was a message behind this dream. I hope not, because I think it might scare me a little bit if there is a meaning to it.

ANYWHO. Essay time!

Someone's Head Resting On My Knee

I currently could not care less about this essay. It's due in exactly 18 hours and I don't want to write it. I've got 700 of 2000 words, and I don't want to write anymore. I've already spent a good while talking with my fellow peers, and doing a drawing on paint. Alongside numerous other activities, one of which was a funny conversation when my mom called. She wanted to make sure I was behaving, so I "jokingly" told her how this one time, I got really drunk, then really high and then hooked up with this guy. I didn't realize until after I hung up that that'd actually happened. I also ended the conversation with "jokingly" saying I had to go cause I wanted a smoke. She laughed, told me to stay good, and hung up. It was brilliant :P.

Kay, everyone's harping on me to go do my essay now, so I'm gonna go. And maybe write more later.

XD

Marvelous Findings

I wish I was a glo-worm, a glo-worm's never glum. 'Cos how can you be gloomy when the sun shines out your bum?

It's A New Day

Yes, I do realize how on and off my posts have been of late, and for that I apologize. Not to you, per say, all though if you are an avid reader, than I suppose I apologize to you too. No, I feel like this apology is to be directed to myself. I've been so caught up with, life, that I haven't put any time aside for myself. If that makes any sense. Granted, this blog has kinda stopped being for myself. It used to be, when I didn't know anyone was reading it, and when it was my little secret. But then I decided that I wanted, as Charlie puts it, for someone to know. Someone who could just know what was going on and.. just know. You know?

Theres some basketball kid on the news right now, from Laurier university. I wonder how he feels about it. I mean, you hear about this sort of thing in books and movies, and it's always some dumb popular kid that ends up on the news. Is he some dumb popular kid? Does he have a girlfriend? Or a boyfriend? Someone who's incredibly excited to see him on the news? Do you think he even knew he was on tv tonight? Maybe he just heard about it now, as he was finishing up some paper due tomorrow, and his buddy called him up to tell him to turn the tv to channel 12. I don't know, I mean, maybe it's not even such a big deal to him. Maybe he's some random who just joined the basketball team for shits and giggles. It's interesting to think about though.

Another interesting thing is this english paper I have to start writing. It's not actually a difficult thing to write, I just haven't gotten around to it yet. BUT it is a fascinating thing to write about. My paper is all about the isolating factors of the high school setting, namely those present in the books King Dork and Perks of Being a Wallflower. It's great cause, when I think about it, I wonder if everyone experiences it the same way, and I know they don't, so it makes it even more interesting. Like, sure, everyone experiences everything differently, but high school is something else. High school is where you start figuring out who you are, what you are, how you feel a bout certain things, how you're to deal with certain situations, etc. High school, for some people, is when they need to learn how to blend in to avoid bullies. For others, it's where they vent at their surroundings because of shit they deal with at home. It's where you grow, identify and experiment- all three of which are related in one way or another. You experience isolation, because you aren't quite liked by the "normal" people. You feel alienated because you aren't like the "normal" kids. It's really, something. DEFINITELY not the best four years of my life, but a huge... factor? in the rest of your life.

On a completely different note, why don't people like using cliches? Like, the reason cliches are around is because of what they are. Big ideas, or phrases, or whatever, that a bunch of people could relate to. You know? I mean, sure, it's better to say something in your own words, but if someone's already said it better, why not just use that?

I'm sure theres some random drama updates I should be writing about, but you know? I really couldn't care less. I'm enjoying "emptying my mind" of all these ongoing thoughts. And, I've stopped really thinking about my lifes events. I mean, sure, there important, and make up my life, technically, but theres so many more interesting things for me to think about, other than my life.

Well, that's all for now, back to feeble attempts at essay writing.

Toodles.

Poems to Remember

Poor Charlie, he was totally on the right track, and yet, he dealt with so much more bullcrap then I did, and suffers so much worse because of it. Granted, he ends up falling in love with someone who loves him for loving her in his own way, and he ends up with a group of crazy awesome friends. But either way, he knew what he was talking about. More importantly, I knew what he was talking about.

For those confused readers, Charlie is the main character of (quite possibly) the greatest book ever. Well, greatest teen fiction novel. But then, it's so much more than just a teen book, it's really deep, and philosophical at points, just because of the way he thinks. It was almost eerie reading this book again, because I could relate so well to so many of the things he was experiencing.

BY THE WAY, forgot to mention, the books called The Perks of Being a Wallflower.