Mango Sushi, Anyone?

You're an emo kid.
You're so depressing to be around.
Why do you have to be such a rebel?
None of the parents like you, you know. They all know.. like, everything.


AAARRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Yes. Well. That is all.

No, wait it's not.
STOP MAKING ME CRY.
And,
I hate you.
No, not you, but you too -_-

I Was Hoping I Could Be Independent of This for at Least a Little Bit Longer

I guess not.

I hate the feeling that I don't have this anymore, but I can hardly stop writing for fear of having it read. Though, to be honest, I'm pretty sure he's stopped reading anyways, so I guess it doesn't really matter.

Everything was going so well, everything was beginning to fit, and yeah, I was rushing things, but it was ok, I thought.
Just the other day, I was sitting and talking to my cat. It was just like, this rant, about how everything comes and goes, and theres no sense doing anything because we just spend our entire lives waiting. And then, when we're done waiting, when our turn comes, we leave. It's like waiting in line at the movie theatre. Yeah, sure, you might see the cute girl from your science class, and have a conversation with her, but then she goes back to her spot in line, and...
Hold that thought, it's 11:11... I wish..
I wish all of this would just go away.
and yeah, you're back to waiting in line, and she might get in before you. Point is, nothing was accomplished, because the goal is getting into the movie. And right now, no matter how I feel, whether I'm happy, or excited, or curious, or whatever, it doesn't matter, because the cycle goes on, and then I'm sad again. I just wasn't expecting it to have such a short run.
I don't get it.
Wasn't he all.. into me?
Funny thing is, I was being yelled at today, by this guy, telling me "Don't hurt him the way you hurt ---- (the guy who took me to prom)". He genuinley believed I was some cold hearted bitch who just liked hurting people.
Crap, I think my internets being disconnected, so I'll just leave this here for the time being

What a Twisted, Twisted Game

So I think it occurred to me, just last night, why it is I haven't been able to write lately: it's cause people keep telling me to talk to them, and by the time everyone's done listening, I'm done talking, and no longer need to write it all down. It's kinda frustrating just because I generally enjoy writing in here, though, to be honest, it's kinda nice talking to people too. Either way, because of this new development, I may not be writing as much. I really should try to write anyways, just so that I can read all of it one day, when I'm old and grey.
I do have somethings to write about, so bear with me. First of all, this is kinda funny, but, the other night, I was having this really weird dream, and sort of semi-consciously, I wrote down the lyrics to the song I made up in the dream. I'm not gonna post them here, because they were ridiculously stupid, and not even complete. I was, however, fairly amused by this. Also, I've decided that writing in here when I have a crush, or a boyfriend, is a really bad idea, it ruins the entire air of the place, and to be honest, the stuff I write then isn't particularly interesting. I will mention, however, this new guy I think I'm really into. Only problem is that he's older, twenty, I think, and I don't see him much (though we have been talking a fair bit of late, via Internet). Oh, I lied, that's not the only problem, apparently, he's also depressed, and dealing with that stuff right now. That doesn't bother me at all, but I don't want to affect his recovery by flirting with him, or suggesting that I'm into him.
I dunno, I think he might like me too.
Uhm, what else?
Oh, another humorous/random event occurred, I got asked out to prom. Lol, but it was over Facebook, by the guy's female friend, asking if I would say yes f he asked me to prom. I wasn't sure what to say to it. I think it may've been a joke. I feel bad about this, but I'm thinking that I may just tell him that I'm already going with someone.

I visited Waterloo uni, too, by the way. I think I liked it, it was nice. I only went for this school play thing I was invited too, which was awesome, but I think what really struck me was a) the fact that they played Regina Spektor (Samson) at the end of the play, and b) the number of adorable/artsy type guys in the place.
I don't think I'd mind going there next year.
Anywho, I'd best be off, I haven't even started the pile of march break homework I got a week ago, all of which is due tomorrow O.O'

Out, Vile Jelly!

I'm really not in the mood to write, I just wanted to have a post for the month of march.
While I'm at it, I might as well inform you of the fact that I recently got my latest piercings; my second ear piercings. Also, Alice in Wonderland, the crazy Tim Burton movie just came out last week, and guess what?
I didn't get to see it yet. I don't even get to see it with the biffles because my parents are still bitchy and irksome. Thus, I get to instead see the movie I waited about two years for with my aunt. Yes, my aunt, as in my mothers sister.
I dislike this situation IMMENSELY.

Bahaha, one more thing, remember that older guy that liked me? The one I hooked up with when I was really wasted? Who got jealous because I was hooking up with another guy?
Yeah, well.. he's decided that I've just got too much drama surrounding me. He's completely given up on me and I believe he's begun hitting on my ginger.

I lied, theres one more thing I'd like to write of before leaving here.
Then again, I'm just really not into it right now. I can't be bothered to look at all my problems right now. So I'll just leave all this as is, and maybe next time I'll write all about the school Coffehouse, and the fight between my best friend and her boyfriend, and the even huger fight between me and my parents, and I might even mention the crush I think I may have on this boy at school.

Oh, I'm Staring At The Mess I Made

After looking back on my previous posts, I realized I had forgot to inform you of why it is I am afraid to write in here right now. This is how scattered my mind is, I don't even know which way is up anymore. Anyways, the reason I worry is because, due to the situation at hand, my parents have been digging up information on me. During out last argument, I got out of my father one of his sources, my laptop. More specifically, using Rogers Parental Control, or some shit like that. With this ridiculous technology, my parents were able to see everything I'd typed onto my keyboard for (according to them) three days. I don't believe them though. I've lost all faith in any of the words they tell me. This is because that's all they are now, words. Nothing more.
Even so, I couldn't bare being away from this for so long, I needed a release, and I don't yet have the courage to hold a blade to my wrist. My fear of pain is getting the best of me there.
I was actually explaining this to my friend last night. He asked how I felt and the only way to explain it to him was by saying that I don't feel anymore. Confused, he asked me to clarify. The best I came up with was this: You know how sometimes you just don't care anymore? It's almost the same for me, except now I don't feel. I'm almost numb to all of it.

I Think You're Saving My Life

I wish I could find the words to explain just how important you are to me. You're the only person who actually seems to care, or pretends to care, or is doing whatever it is you're doing. Either way, you helping me through this, it's like when a parent holds their kids' hand when they're crossing the street.
Absolutely necessary.

Thanks Feo,
I really do appreciate it.

If You Never Do Anything, You'll Never Be Anybody

I'm almost afraid to speak freely on here. So much is going on in my life and I don't even have the courage to take it out on my keyboard. I don't even know where to begin.
I suppose I can explain why I'm afraid to write here. But in order to explain that, I need to go back a bit.
Well, remember that post where I was saying my parents suspected me of smoking weed after the party, cause my jacket reeked? Well, that was just taken WAY too far. Basically, my parents decided to do some digging after that incident and found all this dirt on me. Namely, they found out a lot of the things I've done. This lead to us getting into huge fights, them thinking that I'm crazy, a pothead, a slut and who knows what else. Point is, any trust they had in me was completely thrown out the window. From there, it just got worse. For the next three weeks it was just fight after fight, and no hope for improvement. Needless to say, my parents decided I need help. Thing is, there's nothing wrong with me. Ok, so I drink at parties, I smoke, I sleep around a bit, does that really mean that I'm broken? No. It doesn't.
What makes me broken is the fact that I've gone crazy being trapped in this.. household.
That argument got me nowhere. The parents were insistent I see a shrink. More than insistent, actually. I had no say in the matter.
Before visiting the shrink, which was actually just a couple days ago, I did something stupid because I didn't know what else to do.
It was Valentine's Day, and we were still fighting and yelling and screaming. They were threatening to give the people important to me to the police because of the "dirt" they had on them. They left the room for a minute. I saw my advil container, in it were about 20 advils, 5 of which were the really strong ones the dentist prescribed to me when I got my molars pulled out. Almost on impulse, I opened the container, emptied the contents into my mouth, and took a gulp of water.
I was in shock.

My parents walked in again, and continued yelling at me. They didn't yet know. I was almost at peace, thinking "I won't have to cry for much longer". I spent the rest of the day in a state of semi-consciousness. I was in and out of sleep all day.
They soon found out, by putting one and one together. They know I don't sleep much, and when they saw how many advils were missing, they figured it out.

So now I'm seeing a shrink. I've gone once so far and I don't like it. My next appointment is next week. I really don't like this, especially seeing as I'm not crazy.

I finally told my best friend what's going on. Just yesterday actually. After three weeks of torture at home, my best friend is now aware of the hell I'm going through.

One last thing before I go, don't know if I've mentioned this before or not, but I've gotten two uni acceptances so far. Waterloo and Mcmaster. I'm still holding out for Western though.
I guess we'll just have to wait and see what happens.

Stop The Bleeding

No one should have the power to steal tears from your eyes.
It isn't fair to anyone to have to cry when they don't want to.
Thus, it is unjust for anyone to have this power.
They don't deserve it. It's not right.

Valentines Day Has One of The Highest Suicide Rates

I learnt something new today; it takes more than 20 advils to die of overdose.
Though, I may end up being wrong by tomorrow morning. Guess we need to wait and see.

My parents and I are still in a huge fight about the weed thing. Apparently they got some proof on me. I tried calling their bluff again.. it lead to them threatening to get the people involved in trouble. I left it at that.

I just want to give up. I cried the majority of the day, and then found comfort in a friend who's heart I think I may have broke not long ago.

I suppose thats only fair though, I mean, he's fair taking mine away this time.

I'm Too Close To Passing Out To Have Sex With You Right Now

There is so much I need to write about right now, but I just feel to worn out to talk about it. For now I'll give a brief summary until I find the strength to go into serious detail.
Starting from friday the 5th:
Friday night- concert, went to band's house to chill, Ginger slept over.
Saturday night- Aunt's wedding/gathering thing. Left that at 9ish, and went to friend's party after convincing cousin to drive me. Got wasted, wanted to sleep with a guy but had to deal with a previous jealous hookup who happens to have a.. crush.. on me. Slept over at friends house.
Sunday morning- Everyday is saturday night, but I can't wait for sunday morning.. Lol, I love that song. But yeah, sunday morning, woke up after about 2 hours of sleep and started cleaning the house a bit with the rest of the clean up crew. Jacket reeked of what I think to be weed, not sure though. Either way, it wasn't a big deal, I thought I got rid of the smell a bit. Sunday night- Family did a birthday thing for my mom, my mom was really happy because I wrote her a note in the book I got for her.
Sunday 1AM- Cousin and I get in a huge fight because I mentioned to him that I had a drag of weed at the party on saturday night. He's really against weed because he was fairly addicted when he was in HS. He then threatened to tell my parents, or the cops. Point is, we got in a fight.
Today- After school, dad calls, wants to talk to me. Turns out, he suspects me of smoking weed. Wants to do a drug test. I get mad, but bluff and say "Let's do it" before storming out and hiding. He gets pissed, tells my mom, and there is a huge fight when I get home. I fixed things with my cousin a bit, and then used the pity card on my parents and pretty much convinced them that I've done nothing wrong.

I love how I wasn't going to go into detail, but the summary's get progressively longer each time period. Whatever, that's it for now. I'll talk more about it later.

I'm Made of Paper Cranes, What Are You Made of?

My soul wants to take flight.
Broken wings keep me trapped.
My shell has been used.
Used and misused,
All with my consent.
And now I wonder,
For what did I give,
And not receive.
My battered heart,
Worn and torn,
Unable to hold any more.
I don't want to feel like this again.
_________________________


Hot water pounding,
Toes curling,
Head covering,
Tears rolling,
Arms holding,
Thoughts racing,
Cries reaching,
Not a sound escapes.


That's not exactly where I was planning on going with that, but I liked how it sounded so I went with it. What I meant to write was how broken and alone I felt and realized I was yesterday, in the shower. The hot water was pounding on my back, my legs curled up beneath me, my arms circled around myself, my head bent down. And all that I could think about was how easily I've been giving myself up, how all these guys just want to use me, because I've given them permission to. I wondered if there was anything else about me, other then my apparent ability to suck cock, that made them want me. Anything about me that actually made them want me. As a person, not a mouth, or an.. opening.
What bothers me most is that I actually still have no problem hooking up with guys. I just don't want these guys again. I'm still completely comfortable with random hookups. Which makes me realize that it's not because I'm particularly horny, I just seem to view hook ups as opportunities. "It's possible for him to ask me out on a date after our hookup, right?". Silly delusions, no doubt, but beliefs none the less. Something to believe in, something to hold on to.
It's all I have left really.


By the way, I'm totally over you. No, I'm not talking about you, though I'm totally over you too.

I'm Falling to Pieces

That's all really, I just..
I don't know whats wrong with me, my temper, my emotions.
Why do I get so mad, so easily?
I must be..
falling
to
p i e c e s.

I Don't Feel Like Talking With People Right Now

But it's not like anyone reads this anyways.

So, I was going to vent and spill all thats bothering me out on here, but then my friend asked whats wrong and I pretty much threw it all at him. I feel really bad about dumping all my.. depression? on him, but it did really help having him listen.
I feel that having intorduced this, I need to actually say whats going on, so I'm just going to paste the important parts of the conversation on here.

he says:
*tell me
*please?
she says:
*it's really nothing
he says:
*nothing is ever nothing
she says:
*i'm just tired of dealing with people
he says:
*tell me what happened
she says:
*my parents started flipping out that the bus ride back home was taking too long, and that i should have been back at exactly 6, so when i got back at 6:18, they were yelling at me and di was in a bad mood, but i couldn't go sulk because we had to go to my grandma's house, with a bunch of idiots i happen to be related to, namely, my cousins, and my sister, cause she turns into a mindless idiot around them. not that she isn't naturally a mindless idiot
*so i deal with their bull shit all night, and i'm kinda in my own world, until they ask me to pour ice cream for all four of us
*so i start, and they start nagging me cause i wasn't putting enough fucking ice cream for them, and they start bittching and saying shit, and calling the parents, and then my mom yells at me for leaving the hot water on (to heat the spoon to make it easier to scoop)and the bitches take the ice cream to the other room without a fucking word of thanks, and start flipping channles on the TV
*the reminder i had set for this odysseus movie goes off, and i change the channel to see if its anything worth watching
*they get mad again and start throwing things at me to change the channel
*while also saying shit to me
*you'd think my sister would, at the very least, give me a fucking second to change the channel
*course not
*all of them are throwing things and me and yelling
he says:
*wow...
she says:
*i couldn't take it anymore and walked out, to cries of "you'd make a terrible mother"
*and was about to break down
*then my dad walks in trying to "comfort" me, but he doesn't know whats wrong
*and then i completely broke down when i opened the essay i was working on, and found that it was gone
*now i just want to cry
*and i was crying, but that was attracting too much fucking attention, so i stopped
he says:
*wish i could do something
she says:
*don't worry about it
*i'm just so tired of them thinking of me like i have no feelings, like they can throw whatever they want at me
*it's like they think i'm just a really hard shell
*but i'm not
*and it hurts
he says:
*its ok, im always here for whatever u need
*i know how much it hurts
she says:
*thanks, i really just needed to vent
*you're a great friend :)
he says:
*:)

Sorry about the spelling, I was too angry/hurt/sad to worry about my spelling and grammar.

Why Are You Playing Solitaire All Alone?

I kinda flipped out at my parents tonight, about how I cared more about my friend then I did about my aunt and her stupid wedding. Maybe if it was a legit wedding, to a legit guy, I'd be less harsh. But she's marrying an idiot, and shes doing it on the night of a party I really want to go to.

I'm Taking it Slow, Feeding My Flame

LOOK UP THIS SONG.
NOW.
DO IT.
It's called Eyes on Fire by Blue Foundation.
It is.. CHUCK NORRIS.
ROFLCOPTER.
Yeah, but there's actually no other word to describe it's awesomeness.

And I am ridiculously fucked right now. My diet has consisted of cookie dough and monster energy drinks, my sleep (HAH, what sleep?) is like, 3 hours a night, and I haven't gone to the gym at all this week.
And I've been smoking more.

I just want tomorrow to be over, so I can sleep, and eat, and workout.

On the bright side, I think I finally learnt how to study.

Chuck Norris Is The Reason Waldo Is Hiding

I'm scared shitless that I'm going to lose my Waterloo acceptance if I do poorly on this week's exams.

Political Procrastination

What I Found In My Coffee Cup

In my coffee cup this day I did find,
a bat with it's wings spread wide,
the dainty fingers of a hand
poised to pick up an unseen object,
a monster carrying murderous weaponry,
the strong legs of a dancer mid-pose,
a dolphin leaping through the canvas,
the beak of a bird,
a dinosaur with its head held high,
the tiniest of hummingbirds,
lightly at flight,
a snake poised to strike,
and the elusive elephant,
who poked his head up through the mess,
just as I was finishing up.

I must say, I'm particularly curious as to what the hand is attempting to pick up. I also think the hand appears to be wearing a ring. On it's third finger.

In previous cups, some particularly clear images where a lion, a giraffe, and an owl.

What was particularly disturbing in my past three readings, was the emergence of the image of a witch.
In each cup.
Three times in a row.

This Stopped Making Sense After the First Line

Tough skin is overrated,
You're never really there.
When I close my eyes to look at you,
I wait to disappear.
I whisper to the dark,
In hopes that you will hear.
But the wind keeps softly blowing,
Your lies to me, they tear.
Tough skin keeps me breathing,
It leaves you in the air.
Come save my punctured soul she says,
It leaks, you see, right here.
The eyes, they do the same,
Salty tears they often see.
My heart, you see, she longs for you,
My brain does disagree.
So tough skin is all you left me,
To save me from myself.
For this I do not thank you,
She hates what she's become.

Ten Things I Hate About You

So, I didn't write this, but I love it, and the part in the movie when she reads her poem makes me cry every time.

I hate the way you talk to me,
and the way you cut your hair.
I hate the way you drive my car,
I hate it when you stare.
I hate your big dumb combat boots,
and the way you read my mind,
I hate you so much it makes me sick,
it even makes me rhyme.
I hate the way you're always right,
I hate it when you lie.
I hate it when you make me laugh,
even worse when you make me cry.
I hate it when you're not around,
and the fact that you didn't call.
But mostly I hate the way I don't hate you,
not even close,
not even a little bit,
not even at all.

Too cute right??
I got a bit teary just writing that out.

On another note all together, I found this scribbled on my notes. Must have been being philosophical again at some point and just hadn't realized it.
"Many ideas are considered naive if they conflict with societies general perception of the topic."

The Russian

Apparently one of my friends enjoys having conversations,
about my ass,
with his friends.

And I wore a lion hat today..
and played London Bridge.
And mauled one of my exes while wearing the lion hat.
The hat had paws too.

I'm going to miss highschool next year.

The Make Up Sex Is Good As It Gets

2:30 last night- Alright, it's almost 3, this movie has stopped making sense (Sherlock Holmes), and I'm not getting anywhere with my Politics work. Time to go to bed. Before I go, let's just check the e-mails. Mm, facebook mail. Fun stuff. Wait a minute, that's not from facebook. Shitt, that's from Waterloo. *Open email*. "Congratulations! You’ve been admitted to the University of Waterloo for fall 2010 in Honours Arts, First Year, Regular. " Wait, what? Waterloo? Isn't that a good university? Isn't it far away? HOLY SHIT, I JUST GOT EARLY ACCEPTANCE TO WATERLOO.

At that point I was wide awake, and couldn't fall back asleep. My facebook status was set to let the world know the incredible news and my fingers were dialing my twin to let her know as well.

Then it clicked.

No matter what happens, I'm moving out at the end of this year.

And The Attention Span of a Fish on Crack

Hahaha, so, my crazy friend decided to go get one of those microdermal piercings. It actually doesn't look as scary as I thought it would. But apparently it hurt like a bitch to do.
And it wasn't cheap neither.
'Bout a hundred bucks, I think is what she said.
What makes me laugh is that she went to that new sketch parlor, Pain Is Pleasure. But apparently they're good, and cheaper then Stingers, so I might do my tounge there. Not yet though, I have to wait till I move out for Uni. The parents would shoot me if I got my tounge pierced. They practically flipped out when I suggested getting my second ear piercing done.
All I know is that I will get it done. And after I get my tongue pierced, my next project will be getting my first tattoo.
Or maybe I'll get the tattoo first.

You Basically Have The IQ Of a Squirrel

I think I miss the feeling of being loved.
Today I saw the slightest, yet most adorable, display of affection from my friend and her boyfriend. Just the way he offered her his sandwich, and told her he had already ate all the peppers because he knew she didn't like them, nothing right?
Wrong.
It's the most wonderful feeling in the world knowing someone knows you, and more importantly, cares about you. Thinks about you. Anything.
Part of me thinks I maybe don't deserve affection. That maybe after behaving so.. poorly, all I deserve is poor treatment.
Maybe being alone is what I get for rejecting the people who were genuinely seemed to care about me.
Then again, did anyone really care about me to begin with? I mean, looking back on my last "serious" relationship, the dick won't even talk to me now. Some bullshit about how he's used to associating me with negative emotions. Don't ask, I don't get it either. So, if he can feel that way about me now, who's to say he ever felt anything else? Maybe when we were dating he was just curious as to what it was like to be in a relationship, and decided to play the role of a boy in love.

I suppose it's possible I'm just being stupid, but that doesn't change the fact that I really just want someone to hold me.
And care about me.
And just be there.

Baffump

Wow, lots to write and so little time. I'm gonna see how much I can write in the next 15 minutes, cause after that I need to get onto studying for the test I have tomorrow.
Ok, so, yesterday, me and a couple friends went downtown to participate in the Improv Toronto No Pants Subway Ride. Awesome? Yes. Very. Basically, about 300 people showed up, we were split into groups and scattered out on a subway. At a designated time, people started taking their pants off. Then, we'd get of the subway and get on the next one, without pants on. It was ridiculous. People would stare at us and whisper to each other, then one guy got pissed off cause we wouldn't tell him why we weren't wearing pants (my excuse was that my pants were in the dryer). Me and my friends decided to leave that early though, because we had decided to do Free Hugs that day too. We decided to take the no pants subway ride one step further and didn't wear pants for an hour or so outside. This lead to comments like
"Sluts!!"
"Godbless Canadian Girls"
"Aren't you cold?"
"Why aren't you wearing pants?"
"My head hurts.. I'm so confused."
And from one person "Were you guys at the No Pants Subway Ride?"

Lol, we then walked into Chapters and bought coffee. Our conversation with the employee went like this "Why aren't you wearing pants?" "I left them in the dryer." "Oh, ok. What can I get you?"
I'm not even exaggerating. It was funneh.
Afterwards, we continued walking around pantless, till we got to this clothing store and decided to switch from pantless to free hug giving. We pulled our pants out of our purses (to the surprise of the sales clerks) and I exclaimed "Wow, pants are warm, now I know why they were invented. Huh." I got laughed at for that comment. With our pants on, we gave our first hugs to the sales clerks. Leaving there, we began walking around the streets offering free hugs to EVERYBODY. Some people were sweet and gave us lots of hugs, some people pretended to get a phone call the second we were withing earshot, some people were rude (one old guy looked at us, scoffed, and called us "perverts"), some were hot (one guy with a sexy accent kissed us on the cheek for giving him a hug) and some were overly enthusiastic (we were asked for pictures a couple times, and woman got really emotional and gave us this huge speech about how much she appreciated what we were doing.. she even cried a bit). We offered hugs to busy salespeople as well, randomly knocking on store windows and holding up our signs (this was generally greeted with a "come on in and hug me!!") and we even hugged a store security person.
Without a doubt, it was the best day of my life. All the hugging made me smile from ear to ear the entire time.

So that was my weekend. Today, I hooked up with my ex-boyfriend (from elementary school). It wasn't really planned. We had been talking the other night, and decided that we don't see each other often and made plans to hang out today. So after school, we started walking over to this deserted barn that we have on our street. At first we were just exploring. The place was a huge mess, full of random junk, old tires, and broken couches. There were also horse stables on floor level. After exploring that, we found there was an upstairs as well. We continued our exploration of the upper level and found it to be much cleaner and in slightly better shape. As we were about to leave, he looked at me and said "I want to try something." and kissed me. We decided not to leave after that, and instead went over to the cleanest room with a little couch in it and continued making out. That lead to my shirt being undone, and then my bra. His mouth was on mine, then on my neck, then on my chest. He (very gentlemanly) spread out his jacket on the couch for us, and sat me down. My pants were taken off and his mouth was on me again. This time not on my face, but between my legs. It was beautiful. After I was done, we switched places and I had my mouth on him. Apparently I'm not bad at giving head, he kept telling me how "amazing" I was. Unfortunately, whether because of the cold, or for whatever reason, he didn't cum and I had to stop due to loss of feeling in my legs (from the cold). We redressed and continued making out, then sat back on the couch and cuddled as he attempted to thaw me out a bit (I was shivering.. alot).
On my walk home, I figured I had best let the BFFL know what had gone down. I called and told her what happened, and she told me I had horrible choice in guys, that the guy I picked this time was a known "bragger" and that she might be breaking up with her on/off boyfriend of the past couple years.Yeah, what bothered me about that though, was not that she was probably breaking up with him, but that, without it even happening yet, she's already looking for her rebound. I yelled at her and told her I didn't want her to fool around directly after they break up, but she wouldn't listen.

Couple more things, I know, I've gone way over 15 minutes, but I'm almost done, honest. I got in a huge fight with the parents last night, and it currently looks like me and the mother won't be speaking for a while.

In my last post I mentioned my hair: it's pink. Well, the underneath is. Well, it was. It's faded out now for the most part. Still there but not really. I like it. It's exciting.
And last of all, I think, remember the drunk hookup? With the drunken confessions of love? To the guy it turned out I wasn't really into the morning after, when I sobered up? Yeah, well, I just heard from the friend who's house that was at that the guy is still bitching and moaning about "What I did to him.". What I did to him? Really? When I was drunk? Besides that, I thought me and him were friends now. And fb now. Apparently not. Weird cause we'd been making plans to hookup. Looks like he's not interested. Meh.

All done, now TIME TO STUDY. Fuck.
Toodles :)

Drum Roll Please

It's the New Year, which means that it's been about a year of my typing to you. Well, not quite, but that's what it's going to look like in the side bar/history thing :). Seeing as it is the New Year, certain traditions ought to be upheld. For example, the customary "resolutions", reminiscing, and regretting. Thing is, I don't think I really regret anything this past year. Sure, I went through some shit, I dealt with a couple bitches, climbed a couple mountains, but I also got stronger from lifting the obstacles out of my way, or from jumping over them, as I usually did. Point is, why regret things? What does that really accomplish? I suppose, if one was to begin by regretting, and allow that regret to lead them towards something like, wonder, or curiousity as to what was going through their heads at the time, then regret would be a beautiful thing. it would allow people to do something they don't normally do, at all. Then again, I can't honestly say that. Not having been inside the heads of many people. I did just pick the brain of my good friend, and fb, asking him why he wasn't interested in dating me. I asked him what he would change about me. To which he honestly replied, that he wouldn't change a thing about me, and that there just wasn't a spark. What the fuck am I saying? I think I totally went off topic, and I can't believe I thought that he said that honestly. I don't know, I have trouble thinking of him as anything but perfect. Everything he says, everything he does, the way he looks, just everything. I adore him. I don't love him anymore though. I haven't really even thought about him like that since back then, a hundred years or so ago, when I thought I was actually in love with him. Silly, stupid me. I suppose there's a possibility that I'm in denial, and am just trying to save some pride by pretending. But I don't think so.
Anywho, completely off topic, lets get back on track with the New Years thing. Uhmmmm. I missed out on all the new years parties. I had just gotten off the plane back to Canada, from Arizona (where I had spent a week of the break with my sister at my, uncles? house). I saw a cactus for the first time, and we went to visit the Grande Canyon, which was absolutely incredible. Surreal, almost. Well, after I got off the plane landing in Canada, my parents were there to pick us up. We headed home, getting there at about 11:50, ten minutes before midnight. I hopped into the shower and ended up shampooing my hair as the clock struck midnight and the new year began. I was excited to go party after the flight, but my parents rejected that thoroughly and had me stay home the entire new years. I could've cried. It didn' really help when I got calls from friends yelling Happy New Years in slurred voices. But thats ok. No regrets. Hahah, Hakunah Matata.
I have to write more, about Malaysia, and about my hair, and my male "friends" and I'm sure theres more. But I'm not thinking straight right now, so I'll continue this later.
Night :)

There Was A Love Affair In This Building

I love pretending I'm having a conversation (on msn) with someone, and then sending a random line to someone else, just so they can see that I'm really busy/popular. I don't know why though, last I checked I didn't really care what people thought 'bout me. I guess I also do it because then it usually starts a new conversation with the "accidental" person.

Bawk Bawk Boom

I don't care how creepy this sounds, but I absolutely adore it when he calls me "little".
It makes me feel skinny, and pretty, and in need of his "big, strong protective arms".

Remind me why we care about being treated equally?? I think all women really just want to be taken care of and protected.

Sex With Snowmen Leads To Hard Nipples

So basically, I want to give out free hugs. After riding the subway without pants on.
Sounds exciting, right??
SOFA KING EXCITED.

Bahahahha, that's an inside joke between me and my gingie. But I guess I'm kinda lame for writing it here, where no one else will get it. Meh, I'll have a good laugh.

Back to the free hugs thing, you need to watch this.
http://youtube.com/watch?v=vr3x_RRJdd4

Yeah, I don't care so much about the campaign. Yes, it was touching, and I'm glad he won. But what really touched me was the idea of giving hugs to strangers in an attempt to brighten up their day. I currently do the same thing with smiles, most of the time. When I see someone while I'm walking, I usually flash a huge smile in their direction. Unless it's one of those people who look like they're afraid of teenagers. When I see those people, I try to look as tough and "Don't-Fucking-Mess-With-Me"ish as possible. It's really funny staring them down and watching them downcast their eyes so as to avoid eye-contact. Oh my gosh, it's priceless :P. Always makes my day.

As to the pantless subway ride, that's this thing some Improv group does annually. What it is is basically a ton of people get together and get on the subway, not all together, but a couple in each car. They still have their pants on. Once they're on the bus, and it starts moving, they casually, randomly, take off their pants and put the discarded pants into a backpack or purse they just so happen to be carrying. Upon being asked why they aren't wearing pants, they're supposed to keep a natural expression and say something along the lines of "I'm not?? I hadn't noticed." or "I didn't really feel like putting pants on today.".They're not allowed to talk to the other pantless people either, or else it looks like it's being staged.
Do you have any idea how much fun this is going to be??

And Now I've Lost My Means

I hate the things I'm supposed to call "Parents". Those detestable beings that sneak up on you in the middle of the night and search through your stuff while you're unconscious.
Then, the sneaky little bastards have the audacity to bust you for it by asking you a simple question, the next day, something like "Do you need cash? Or do you have?" To which I reply "Nope, I have none." Why? Because I need to buy another pack, and I had concocted the perfect way to get money for it without raising any suspicions on the parents behalf. Only thing I forgot to take into account was that my parents are DICKS.
Because my parents checked my wallet to see if I had money on me, and because I didn't know they had, and lied about having money, I'm now "grounded". I put grounded in quotations because, with my parents, going out is a fucking hassle to begin with. It's next to impossible to convince them that I'm not doing anything wrong (which I usually am). Now, I'm grounded, and they're apparently going totake away my debit card, which is a bitch move 'cause that money is actually mine, the money I make from work and they have no right to take it from me. Fuck, why couldn't I be blessed with white parents?
Or better yet, why couldn't I just come to be, without any parents. And just magically, survive, and grow and live happily ever after.

On the bright side, I've met the sweetest guy ever. I absolutely love talking to him and I hope we can grow to be great friends.

A couple posts ago, I mentioned the paintball party, and how the referee started to hit on me. Well, I gave him my number, he later found me on facebook, and now we talk. I have to admit, at first I thought he was going to be a really stupid person. This sounds horrible, and self-absorbed, but I did. He's got the look of a hardcore stoner, and he wears "gangster" clothes (i.e., baggy jeans, huge sweater, the baseball cap thingy with the sticker on it etc.). He started telling me about his life, how it's pretty fucked up, but he's starting to change it- turn it around now. I was not expecting him to tell me too much about it, but he did. He opened up like a book and just.. sang. He's been through some tough times, and I think he's alot stronger for it. But that's not the point. Point is, he's a real person. He thinks, and, it's hard to explain. I sound like a horrible person right now, and I hate myself for it, but it doesn't sound half as bad in my head.

Oh, and by the way, I lied earlier in this post. The fuckers didn't go through my stuff while I was sleeping. This is because I hardly sleep anymore, having been going to bed at around 4am each night lately. No, rather, they wait till I'm at swim practice to go through my stuff. The only reason I lied about this in the post was because it didn't go with the story mode I was writing about them in. It wouldn't have sounded have as dramatic if I said "Those detestable beings that sift through your things while you're swimming laps".

How Do You Spell Hate?

P-A-R-E-N-T-S.

Adorable, Cute.. Same Thing

Warning- Explicit Content :)

So I met another online friend. And I didn't think it was going to lead to anything, but he was fun to talk to. We started talking about more sexual things (as always is the case when I talk to new guys.. it just happens) and he started saying how he's so selfless, and would rather make someone else smile then receive personal gain. This was sexual because it was in relation to getting head vs. being eaten out. He was saying he'd love to go down on a girl even if she didn't want to blow him afterwards.

Anyways, I have to be quick, I'm exhausted.. it's already 4 am. So yeah, I mentioned my nude pictures, he was interested and sounded really excited, so I sent them, and for the first time in a long time, I felt pretty. He was so enthusiastic about how lucky he was to be getting the pictures, and how the world deserved to see them, but not the whole world, just him. Yeah, I know.. horny guy says things to make him continue to receive this type of thing, but even still, even knowing that, the things he said just made me feel... pretty. Theres no other word for it. I just felt really good about my body for the first time. It wasn't even that he was being sweet and cute about it. The things he said felt raw and honest. "You're tits are fantastic", "You're body is sexy, you are gorgeous" etc. I don't know how else to say this.
I. Felt. Good.

Dear Diary, Sorry To Bother You Again

But I feel lonely, and it's like no one notices, or cares.

Oh my goodness. Read that line, that first line, once more. Was it not just a little while ago I had posted "I am so tired of her self-loathing bullshit"? Can you spell HYPOCRITE? I irk myself sometimes, I can be so ridiculous. I don't know if it's really self loathing right now, but whatever it is, I'm depressed. I also have a SHITLOAD of work to do, and that's part of why I'm writing right now: I don't feel like doing work, I'd much rather waste time here. Not that I haven't already wasted time all day, getting next to no work done. Jeez I can be stupid.

Despite my rant, I actually do feel really lonely. Remember a while ago, I mentioned something about a guy, a close guy friend, who was into me, but who I wasn't into in return? The one I went to prom with. Yeah, him. Well, me and him have (*had) been friends for a little while. We'd talk all the time, and tell each other things (well, I wouldn't tell him things about the guys in my life... I felt like that would be mean seeing as he had a crush on me and I kinda turned him down). One of the things we tended to talk about was my lack of self confidence. He'd say how I should change how I feel about myself, be more confident etc. Thing is, I like being bitchy to myself. Calling myself a loser, or fat or whatever else I say to myself. Why? Because it's safe, it's something I'm used to and something that I can depend on. It's like my reassurance "No, don't worry, you're still a loser, you're still huge etc." So yeah, I was used to this and didn't like that he was trying to change this about me. So when we would talk about it, I would agree with him just to shut him up. I told him this one time, and he got really "hurt" as he put it. Why this hurt him, I do not know. Something about me not caring about what he has to say and him wasting his time. After I "hurt" him, he distanced himself from me, and pretty much stopped being my friend. I confronted him about this today, and found all of this out. I honestly started crying while we were talking about all of this. I don't quite remember when I started crying, I think it was around when he said he "didn't know how to be my friend anymore".

I don't know whats going to happen with us now, his computer died halfway through our conversation and he didn't come back online, so I suppose we'll continue the conversation another time.

Other then that, the weekend was a bit of a bore.. some fun on friday, I went paintballing for the first time ever. Lots of fun there, and lots of cute guys too :P (I was the only girl there). The referee started hitting on me, offered me some weed and we chatted a bit. Unfortunately, I had to leave before he got his break, so no weed. But it was still cool, cause I had gone for a friend's birthday, and a couple of us had to bus back to his place. On the subway we bought Cinnabuns (which are ORGASMIC) and accidentally took the wrong bus. Finally got to his place, where he snuck us a couple beers, and we grilled some hamburgers and chicken. I got really tipsy/hyper and started yelling and being very loud. Everyone was feeling really energetic so we ran out to the park at around 10 pm and started acting like crazy people (i.e., lots of screaming and laughing). Missed another party on saturday because my mom wanted me to go to her works' Christmas party (which was RIDICULOUSLY boring).
Lastly, my best friend seems to be depressed. She addressed me in her blog, knowing I read it almost regularly, and told me not to bother calling. I don't know what's going on with her, and I don't know how to help her. Part of me thinks she's making all of it up to have some extra "excitement" in her life, but the other part of me insists she's being sincere. I suppose I'll talk to her on monday, I just don't know what I'm expected to say.

I lied, theres one more thing, then I'll go start my homework. I'm in grade 12. This means that university is a big stress right now, meaning I have to be really careful about my studies and work hard for good marks. Unfortunatley, I suck at working hard, and love to procrastinate. This is a bit of a problem. I sent my OUAC application in about a week ago, and I've been freaking out ever since that I won't get accepted by any of the seven schools I'm applying for. Og my gosh, I'm so nervous. It's.. ACH.

Notes Found On Loose Papers

Watching the goldfish swim around in their fishbowl,
constantly running into the glass walls surrounding them.
I feel their pain as I too have stumbled into invisible
boundaries countless times before.
Looking for an escape. I think to myself, I'm not much better off.
At least the two fish have each other.
I sometimes feel like I have no one at all.



"Some birds aren't meant to be caged.
Their feathers are just too bright."

I Don't Quite Know How To Say How I Feel

I'm tired of yelling at people. More specifically, I'm tired of hearing people yell at each other. I'm dealing with a shitload of stress right now because my swim coach doesn't like my attitude, nor does he like the rest of the team. Because I'm the loudest, and most assertive swimmer in my group, he tends to blame me for the rebellion he sees in the swimmers. I used to yell at him for giving us shit fro our swimming, and for being a bad coach. But lately, I've started to see where he's coming from, and I just want to bitch at my fellow swimmers for being such dicks to him.

Not only do I see the injustice in their treatment towards him, I also see that my sister is a bitch. I can't stand her. She's a disgusting person, and tends to have little care for those around her. Now, knowing this about her, how does she have friends? How do people feel that she could fill a position of authority? Not exactly such a position, no ones offered her any authority, but people do tend to look up to her, and see her as a good person to know. I have no idea why. She's currently stomping around the house, bitching about how her piano teacher is "ruining her life". I'm not exaggerating.
I can't stand her.
But I do need her. So no matter how much I don't like her, I need to put up with her. She knows too much about me for me to lash out at her and risk secrets being spilled in every which direction.

I Love You Too

Four words that could quite possibly brighten either parent's day.
If I had the strength to say them out loud. I used to. I would tell them I love them all the time. But not anymore. I can't remember the last time I let the words slip out of my mouth.
Love.
An interesting word it is. Feared and respected by so many. Does anyone know what it really means? What love truly is? What it means to love somebody? I'm sure some poor fool out there has deluded himself into believing, whole heartedly, that he knows what love is. And, to be honest, I suppose that if someone truly believes they know what love is, then chances are they DO know what it is. I don't pretend for a second to count myself a fool.

I don't know how to explain, in a way for you to understand how much my heart hurts when I see my parents' faces fall. "I love you" they say, almost breathlessly, wondering, if maybe I'll break this time, if maybe this time I'll return their affections. I seldom do. Silence is all that acknowledges them. Nothing more. It shouldn't be so difficult for me to say such simple words. Linguistically, they are inferior to the majority of the English language. The words I, Love, and You, are simple words, with little meaning on their own. There is no magnificance in the grammar of the phrase. Nothing.

Then why do I have such trouble saying it out loud?

Define Stress

According to my psych class, I'm under way too much stress, and should be dying now. Well, not quite dying, but a lot less... comfortable. I suppose I am under stress, but I didn't think it was so bad as all that. Maybe I'm just used to it?
What real stress would a teenager actually be under? I mean, sure, there's highschool, and your workload, not to mention your job, and I suppose parents would add to the stress. Then there would be your extra-curriculars, like sports or whatever, and of course, all the teenage drama that is associated with teenage life.

I guess when you list it like that, it does add up to a considerable sum. Even still, is my stress level so high that I shouldn't be getting any sleep? Or that I should be falling asleep during my classes? I suppose I'm just rambling now, I don't really remember where I was going with this. Point is, I think I'm stressed, and I need to figure out how to minimize my stress level, if that's possible, before I break.

On a happier note, I got my cartilage pierced on saturday. That was kinda exciting.

Ughh, screw happiness. I know that somethings wrong with me. I started organizing my desk today. I never do that. Unless I've got something on my mind. Which I don't know if I did or not. I was just... I don't know how to explain it. I just know that something's bothering me. I need to figure out what it is now.

The Edible Woman

I think I've finally lost it.
Completely.
No more joking about my lack of sanity. I mean, just look back and read the post I wrote about being in love with my ex. I don't know what I was thinking.
Wait, yes I do. It's written down, on this blog. Word for word the thoughts that were running through my head as my fingers struck the keyboard. I think what it is, is that I'm in love with the idea of someone just being with me, and upon remembering the completely innocent, beautiful thing we had had; I must've fallen in love with what I remembered of our relationship.

I Will Not Bow, I Will Not Break

Something I forgot to write a while ago, or maybe just couldn't write, is a conversation I had with my mom. I forget what the situation was, why we were mad at each other, but I couldn't stand her. I didn't want to be near her. My dad begged me to go out for lunch with her. I said no. His voice cracked, through the phone, and I heard the tears choking him. I broke. I agreed to go to lunch with her, and called her to pick me up from school. As we were on our way to Timmies, she looked at me, and tried to start lecturing me. I told her I didn't want to hear it. I wouldn't let her talk, and instead blasted angry music through my headphones. When we got there, and ordered, and were seated across from each other, she started talking again. It somehow lead to her mentioning being in an abortion centre once. I was so mad at her, it didn't click for me that she was there for herself. Suddenly, her eyes were red, and she was shaking. Staring off into a time I couldn't see, she was no longer with me. "Mom?"
Nothing.
I held her, hugged her, let her cry. When she was done, she shakily explained to me, I was supposed to have another sibling. After I was born, they had my sister, and she had a heart condition. According to my mom, she couldn't risk that again, so the third time she got pregnant, she decided that the only option was to abort it.
This still haunts her, to this day, and I don't know why I needed to write it here, now, a month or so later. I never knew this about my mom, it never occured to me that she may have been through hardships in her lifetime.

Cause All I Do Is Think Of You

I almost started crying today.
On my walk home.
I had seen him in the hallway, at school. And the first time, he didn't notice me, and I had to see him give some girl a hug as I walked by. The second time he waved at me. A half-hearted wave.
That's all I get after pouring my heart out to him, and letting him force me into cybering again with him. After making the first move, telling him I liked him and sometimes wish we were dating, I figured he'd make the next move. After we started talking for a couple days, he disappeared off the Internet. I still saw him at school, but that was it, and even then it was just a glance in passing. No more online chats. I figured he was busy. But there was action on his facebook, so that didn't make sense.
When I saw him today, and he waved, I thought, finally. But no. Nothing.
Then when I was walking home, right after I saw him, my phone rang. First thought that came to my mind "It's him." No, of course it's not. Just my dad. Offering me a ride home.

I hate that I'm writing this here. Here where I try my hardest to have semi deep thoughts. Things with real substance. Instead I'm bitching about my stupid crush and how he's not into me.

But it's more then that. He's not just a stupid crush. I think I might actually be in love with him. I dated him long ago, all the way back in elementary school. When we were both little and innocent, and our idea of a good time was sitting outside, me in his arms, reading a book together.
I was a faster reader then him, and he would purposely only skim the whole page each time just so he could keep up with me and not make me wait for him. He was that considerate. And we used to pass notes to each other. Every night, we'd write to each other, a love letter of sorts, and the next day we would trade. I'd give him his, and he'd my mine. But then he dumped me, on the last day of school. Telling me that my parents were too strict and he couldn't handle it. And I was hurt. And I cried. And the next day he was dating someone else. At that time, I didn't know about my need to "empty my head" by writing things down, so I unleashed all my hurt at him in e-mails. Lots of them. And I'd press send each time. Then I tore up every single letter he'd ever written to me. My train of thought at that time being "Why keep a bunch of lies?". I tried to break the necklace he bought me. But I couldn't bring myself to do it, or throw it out even. So I gave it to my best friend of the time, and asked her to keep it. I've lost touch with that friend, so I'm never going to get that necklace back. She probably threw it out the minute she got home anyways, it wasn't a particularly special necklace. But it meant a lot to me.

When me and him started talking again, after I made my confession about liking him and wanting to date him, we started talking about "The good old times". He told me that he still had all the notes I'd written to him. Every single one of them. And that made me cry too.

I'm so tired of her self-loathing bullshit.

Textbook Philosophy

Trading blood for ink,
Into torture I will sink...
Beneath the machine again.

I found this in my textbook, a messy scrawl, far more intersting than the passage beneath it about Involuntary Childlessness.
For a moment, I felt like someone in the world, someone who went to my school, was a real person.
A real person who would probably understand how I feel.

Attempted vs. Completed

I think I want to add myself to the statistics relating to "attempted suicide". I really do want to commit. But I don't think it's because I want to die. I don't think I'm ready to die just yet, not that I would complain if my attempt actually went through and became completed. I just want to fix everything. I feel like, if they see what all their fighting, and stupidity is doing, or has almost done, they might try to make everything better.
Maybe if I tried to kill myself, they'd notice me more. Care about me more. Maybe she would realize that her strict, overprotective rules are the reason we favour him. And she might figure out that parenting isn't all about yelling at your kids, but about loving them too. Maybe she'll suddenly see that she might've lost me permanently, and that might make her appreciate everything more. Or maybe it will actually work and I might actually die, and then maybe everything will just be easier for everyone.

He wants to take us to a family psychologist. As he puts it, "Our family is sick, we need help." I don't want to talk to a psychologist again. Not after last time. Last time was horrible. Going again will just remind everyone about what happened then. I don't know if that's the only reason I don't want to go though. Maybe I'm just afraid that the shrink will talk to me and figure out that I am the problem, that it's my fault our family is in pieces. Or if it isn't that, maybe he'll just see that theres something wrong with me period. That I may not be entirely to blame for the family situation, but that I am sick nonetheless, and that I need to be locked up in an asylum.
In the looney bin.
The crazy ward.

Lonely in A Crowded Room

I stole the title from someone else's blog, but I just related to it alot, and wanted to remember it.

I'm kind of frustrated with myself right now. I'm such a fake person. Looking at all my "writing", I see that I've hardly ever written anything deep, or serious. I've stopped writing meaningful things, or poetry, or anything. It's all become recounts of the things I do. I don't mind the recounts, I like reading over them later; it makes me feel like my life is almost interesting.(Speaking of writing my recounts, I need to write about friday night, but I'm not in the mood to think about it right at this moment.) But this doesn't mean I should completely stop writing about things that matter.
Is my life, or the life around me, solely based on partying and going out?

Just Another Day In The Life Of

I really need to stop putting myself into these situations. It's gonna get me somewhere I most likely shouldn't go.
Though I know this, I can't seem to avoid doing stupid, careless things, like getting into a stranger's car and having a smoke with him.

I was dropped off at driving school the other day, but class was cancelled so I had to wait an hour for my dad to come back from the airport to pick me up (he was picking up my mom who had gone away on a business trip). As I was waiting, I decided to have a smoke. Just as I finished, this guy in a silver car drove by and asked me if I had a smoke. Feeling generous, I gave him one, and asked if he'd like to sit with me. He laughed and offered for me to get in the car instead, and that we could sit in there in the parking lot. Stupidly, I did. He laughed at me, and told me it was stupid to get into a stranger's car, but assured me that he wasn't a "crazy". We sat around, talking and such, then he offered me weed etc etc. As I was leaving, he asked for my number, and, thinking that I would only ever call him if I wanted weed, I gave him mine and got his. During our time in the car, talking, he asked about my sexual experiences and what I'd done. I had seen no harm in sharing, so I did.

Later that night, he called, to talk, and started implying how he'd like to see me some time, to fool around, and, more specifically, to have sex. I am not interested. I really want to tell him no, to tell him to stop, but I've already started flirting with him, and acting like my retarded, slutty self. It doesn't matter though. I'm going to turn him down, or just continue telling him I can't that night, or something. I just don't know how I get myself into these situations, or why.

On another note, I've started looking into universities a bit more. I went to see McMaster U a couple weeks ago (unfortunately, we kinda screwed that up and didn't register properly so I had to call up one of my friends that goes to the school and asked him to give us a tour of the place), and today I went to see U of Guelph. Out of the two so far, I like McMaster better.. it's prettier :P.

I Feel So Untouched

Oh my goshh.
Weirdest fucking dream, ever.

No, that's a lie.. I've had weirder, but this one was ridiculously vivid, and I actually remember almost all of it.

So basically, in my dream, my best friend decided to marry my cousin, and they were all in love and happy (that in itself is fucking trippy.. my best friend is a skinny little seventeen year old ginger kid, and my cousin is a twenty something fat, hairy Persian guy, but aside from the appearance thing, their personalities are polar opposites as well. Safe to say, it was a scary thought). Anyways, they decided to wed, and it was a huge wedding ceremony, with loads of people, and big fancy dresses being sold in the main foyer (don't ask.. I didn't understand any of it either). My best friend's dress got ruined before the ceremony, so we were looking around the vendors trying to find her something for the wedding. We found the perfect dress, but the guy selling it was this sketchy mobster. I don't actually remember what happened directly after that, but I do remember ending up outside of the wedding place, holding a Starbucks latte. Suddenly there are these guys with guns, and I start crying, and they take my latte and I'm threatened, and I can't get into the wedding, and I start bitching at the head gunman and he sees that the wedding is all about love, and lets his wedding guest hostages free to go back to the wedding, and makes out with me outside of the building.

The End.


Bahahahahaha, that was alot funnier then I thought it was, I had just remembered it to be really creepy and weird. Actually, I think it ended with my best friend and my cousin driving off into the sunset.. or breaking up. But I can't remember, I was to engrossed in my make out session with sexy gunman :).

By the way, the title of this post has NOTHING to do with this dream.. it's just a song I'm currently addicted to. You should look it up.

Untouched
By: The Veronicas

Hate Me Today

Hate me tomorrow.
Hate me for all the things, I never did, to you.

Is it just me, or can almost anyone really relate to that song? Not only do I feel like everyone hates me, I also feel like I almost don't deserve it.
Yeah, I know I'm not the greatest person in the world, I know I'm not the nicest, or the kindest, or the most generous. That doesn't make me mean, or bitter, or a bad person. I mean, I'm not mean to people, I can be caring, I can be loving. So sometimes I'm not very good at showing it, or letting people know.

Despite how I say I feel, I know it's not everyone that hates me. Just a select few.
I hope.

I'm really hurting right now, I don't like it.

And to make matters worse, theres a slight possibility I might be pregnant, but I don't want to think about it, not yet anyways, because I'm probably not. I have to stop thinking I'm pregnant after each time I have sex. Jeez.

I Can't Escape This Hell

Uhm, I felt it was necessary to start a new post to share the rest of my news. It didn't really fit in with my hurt, broken speech thingy.

I finally told my best friend that I smoke, and she was totally ok with it. No spazzing whatsoever. This made me very happy. Also, the new guy that offered/suggested sleeping around is no more.. I think I've decided I'm not interested in fucking around with the "popular/jackass" type. Besides, I think he's all talk.

What else??
Oh, yeah, I partook in a threesome. With my best friend, and her boyfriend. At 4:00 a.m, in her bed. He was incredible, I think that's the best I will ever be fucked. However, there is chance that I may become pregnant from it.. they don't use protection.. and we didn't seem to think it was necessary that night either. Yes, I know.. stupid. I think I enjoyed the afterwards almost more. Well, not the direct afterwards. Haha, yeah, at about 5:30 a.m, I went out for a smoke, and let them have a little bit of couple time. So I went outside in nothing but my friends' sweater. Let me tell you, it's fucking cold in Canada. So that was also stupid. But yeah, I came back in, and they were done, and she was falling asleep. No one felt the need to put their clothes back on, so we were all lying naked in the bed. Me and him couldn't sleep, so we turned on the T.V, and he cuddled up close behind me, with his arm under my head, and the other arm draped over my stomach. It was pleasant, and it didn't feel lovey or anything.. just, comfortable.

It Feels Like My Heart Is Breaking

Again.

I can't believe I'm going through the exact same thing again. I can't believe I'm being accused of the fucking EXACT SAME THING.
Does that mean there is truth behind what they say? Do I really not try? Do I really not care? What's wrong with me? Why do I seem incapable of loving? Why am I so hardened?
And if I am hardened, why do I hurt so much right now?

Why are tears rolling down my cheeks if I can't feel?
Why do I know that I'm hurting when I'm accused of being emotionless?

I wish I didn't feel. I wish I didn't know how to cry, or how to love. Because I do, I do love. Maybe I just love the wrong people, or the right people for the wrong reasons. I don't know. I do know that I seem to be asking for someone to care about me, for a while now, and that each time I think that my prayers have been answered, I seem to be severely mistaken. I do know that I'd much rather just have someone hold me, and be with me instead of having sex, or drinknig or smoking or whatever.
I just want someone to understand me, to accept me, and to love me, as me.

But that probably doesn't exist. Not for me anyways. That sort of beautiful thing is for everyone else.
Everyone but me.

Sex, Drugs and Rock & Roll

Wow, I suck at not writing in this thing. Haha, it seems I couldn't last for more than a couple months. Granted, I have some very epic news, so I guess that's why I broke my oath to stop writing. Besides, it wasn't so much an oath as it was a... promise?

Anywho, the reason I broke my "oath", I'm no longer a virgin. I lost it yesterday, at school, in the girl's bathroom, to a guy I don't really know. Yeah, "slut", "whore" etc. Thanks, I've already been berated by this one guy I for some reason tend to trust with almost everything. It was pretty bad, I thought I would ease into the topic jokingly, and it was going pretty well, until I told him what happened. He went all out on me. Bitching at me, telling me how much his respect for me just diminished, and how he thought I was full of bullshit. I wanted to cry. It's not like I don't realize I did something wrong, but that's not the point. I mean, it's not like it's the end of the world because I had sex. Right? Later that night, I went out with my friend, the one I stayed with when I ran away. We went to this HIV fundraiser dinner thing, but left early for this concert we wanted to go to at this go-carting place. It was pretty awesome, I love her friends, despite the fact that they're about 6 years older then me. They all seem to be pretty ok with me. As a matter of fact, I'm practically positive one of them was hitting on me. Unfortunately, I had to leave early, before her friends' band got a chance to perform. Kinda sucked, but it's alright, cause I still had a blast.

Uhmmm, what else??

Right, I'm going on a date in an hour, with a guy I met at another concert. He kinda saved my life, and then we made out, so we exchanged numbers and have been talking for about a month. He's really sweet, but also really.. accommodating. I guess that's not a bad thing, it's just, he always agrees with me. It bugs me cause I feel like he's just being fake to impress me.
Lastly, I think, is that I've started smoking. My reason is "I spent all of last year hanging out with smokers, so it's kinda rubbed off on me, and I've been craving it lately because of that." Thing is, I'm not really telling anyone, other then the people I ask for smokes.

Ooh, also (so I was wrong, that wasn't the last thing), I've had my wisdom teeth pulled out. I wanted to get my tongue pierced while my mouth was still numb from the surgery, but my dad just glared at me when I suggested it. ANDD, I've decided I want to get a tattoo. Or more then one. But I know what I want. I'm thinking a dandelion, with the seeds blowing away, on my wrist. A dove on my shoulder, and/or a cherry tree up the side of my ribs.

This time, I promise, it's the last thing. In my psychology class, a couple days ago, we had to write a paper, "Who Am I?". I'm telling you this because I just realized, or have always known and just rerealized, that it's not just me who doesn't know who I am. The guy who was yelling at me about my, mistake, also started yelling at me about my smoking. He said that I was pretending to be something I'm not. So I asked him who he thought I was, because, clearly, I had no idea. He just brushed it off with a "I dunno, that's you're problem". I don't know if that means he doesn't know who I am or if he just doesn't care. In relation to my smoking thing, I've gotten really bad about it. I couldn't find someone with a smoke the other day, so I went to the forest with just my lighter and started looking around on the ground for someone's leftover butt. I found one that was in decent condition and I got a couple drags out of it, but just the fact that I was scrounging around in the dirt for a smoke is really pathetic. I'm pretty disgusted by myself. It's alright though, I'm determined to buy a pack of smokes soon. I just need to find the courage to ask around at the gas station for someone to buy them for me. Or wait for my other friend to bring her ID to school one day so she can buy me some.

I Got Rid Of Everything That Reminds Me Of You Today

I think it's about time for me to stop writing in this blog. It doesn't accomplish anything more then my journal used to do and I feel like the only reason I keep up with it is in the hopes that someone is reading it religiously. However, I highly doubt that anyone cares and I realize that I'm more comfortable with my journal anyways.

In this (hopefully) last post, I'm gonna give a quick update and then end it. I went on vacation and flirted with hot guys, and got nicely tanned and enjoyed myself a great deal. When I got back I started giving swim lessons to a couple family friends and started getting money. I talked to a homeopath (a doctor who does some psychology, but treats the patients with all natural medical treatment thingys) and found out I'm not unique at all. She had everything about me in her little book. I'm a type of person. There are people like me who have the same problems as me and this bothered me, alot. There is NOTHING unique or individual about me, not my dreams, my self esteem, my ideas, my weight, my original sense of uniqueness, nothing.

Moving on from the depression that leads me to, I went to a sleepover thing at my friends house. It was alot of fun. She's in uni, so her friends are all older, I was the baby of the group, but I think they liked me. We went for bubble tea, then headed to a bar, but I got carded so we left and went to Timmie's instead. We headed back to her place at 2ish, but she started getting boring around then. Luckily, at that moment, a really hot guy walks into the kitchen, has a conversation with me, and walks out. I ask who he was, where he went, etc. "Oh, he's just my brother's best friend, they smoke up in the garage." "They have weed?! Excellent." (I had been wanting some all day). I went into the garage and they welcomed me with open arms. Granted, they were drunk, but it was still nice. Plus, the two best friends were really hot, and the brother was really nice. I'm pretty sure they were hitting on me, but then one asked how old I am and I think they realized that should anything happen, it would be illegal, so they kinda stopped and tried to ignore me. They were too drunk for that to work. One of the hot friends actually asked "You wanna play strip poker?" "I don't know how *giggle*" "That's exactly why you should play strip poker." Unfortunatley, he mistook my silence for a no and dropped it. I was actually waiting for him to give instructions. Meh, would have been fun. Best part is, my parents think that we went for bubble tea then watched movies till we fell asleep. Awsome, no?
Anywho, I'm gonna go watch a movie, so this, I think, is goodbye. You are up to datefor today, and there will be no more. Thats the plan anyways. Lets see how it works.

I hope this stays up for a couple years. I want to come back when I'm 40 and read all of this, then maybe find my old journals too. I'm sure I'll have a good laugh at all the things I thought were important.

What Does It Feel Like To Be Loved?

There's so much I have to write about, like my trip to Puenta Cana and the whole confusion about whether or not I have friends, but I just don't have the words, or the patience to write it all down right now.

You Think I'm Intimidating?!?!

So I finally went on my date with the guy who's had a crush on me for ages. The one I went to prom with. Surprisingly, it was really.. nice. I could tell he was really nervous, and I was waiting for him to make a move through the whole movie (which he didn't and which I thought to be really refreshing). After the movie, he confessed that he was really nervous and felt intimidated. "You're intimidated by me? AWWWW! Why? We're like, best friends!!" This got him laughing and I think it got some of the nervousness off him. He walked me home and kept his arm either around my shoulder or my waist throughout the walk. It was a nice walk and we had some intense conversation (about the stereotype people tend to stick on teenagers). When we got to my house, I invited him in and we talked and played this video game thing my sister has.
I was slightly surprised at how much I enjoyed myself. It was actually really nice. The only thing is that I can't help seeing us as just friends. Even the "date" we went on didn't feel like more then our usual "hanging out".
Whatever, let's just wait and see what happens.

Darling, Please, Take My Sweater; You're Soaked!

I had to hide in people's backyards this weekend. I also kept in contact with my parents via e-mail while I was supposed to have run away. What kind of runaway keeps in contact with her rescuers?
Oh yeah, uhm, I ran away for all of... 34 hours? It was really.. weird. We had gotten in another stupid fight, and I was supposed to be going on a date with the guy I had mentioned earlier (so I technically, unintentionally stood him up, however, he was the furthest thing from my mind when I was trying to figure out what I was doing that I didn't really notice) and I went out for air to calm myself down. Every time I go out for a walk after a fight, my parents seem to feel the need to follow behind me in the car. This time, I decided I needed air on my own and so went in a different direction. This lead to them looking for me, which bothered me and lead to me hiding in people's backyards until they had passed by. Somehow, I ended up on a bus after buying viva tickets with 19 of the 37 dollars I had on me. I didn't want to think of my next step so I stayed on the bus until it's last stop, Finch. While I was on the bus, I realized what lonely lives bus drivers lead and so decided to strike up a conversation with the bus driver. We talked all the way through his route. When I finally got off the bus I thought I'd get on a subway and get further away. On the way to the ticket booth, I heard someone playing "Knocking On Heaven's Door" by Bob Dylan. When I heard the song a huge smile lit my face and I just felt so much better. For some reason, this persuaded me not to get on the subway after all. I ended up walking up and down around Finch in the pouring rain. Surprisingly, there some very nice people who seemed to genuinely seemed to care for my well-being. One man drove by and upon seeing my drenched figure earnestly asked if I was alright, if I needed money or food or a ride or anything. Later, another man ran up to me while I was going to get some food and he offered me his sweater calling out "Darling, you're soaked, here, take my sweater." Then, as I was walking to the bus stop again, a bus driver stopped by me, not because he had a stop there, merely to ask if I was alright and if I needed a ride. It was touching. Anywho, this story is far too long for me to type, long story short, I met up with a friend as I was on my way home and we hung out for a bit until she offered for me to stay at her house. I stayed there for the night and went out a bit the next day. I was keeping in touch with my family and friends because I had gotten an e-mail from my cousin telling me how worried everyone was and how the police were involved and all that. My best friend was worried about me too, and she (ever so sweetly) sent me e-mails telling me what a bad best friend I was being by making her worry so much and then threatening me with things only best friends would understand. Then, at around 10:40 that night, while my friend was out, I left her a note thanking her for her hospitality and apologising for leaving without saying goodbye, hopped on a bus and headed home. I tried to take my time getting home: I had started to doubt my decision while I was on the bus. I finally got home around, 12:30 and was greeted by tears and bone-crushing bear hugs. A police officer came to "ensure I had actually returned" and proceeded to tell me (in a tone that very bluntly told me he hated me for making him do extra work) that "I technically wasn't missing, after all, I knew where I was". It was hard to keep a straight face. I called my best friend up to let her know I was back and was immediately yelled at and then laughed at and then forced to tell my entire story all over again.
Yes, so that was my weekend.

Dare Night

I just got back from the coolest "birthday party" ever. If it weren't for the fact that my parents don't really believe the cover story I told them, my night would be perfect. So one of my friends, for her 18th birthday, decided to do a dare night. She split all of us up into groups, gave us a couple envelopes and told us we would be meeting in front of the Eaton Centre at 9. Each envelope held a couple dares that we needed to do in a certain area (i.e., suburbs, bus, subway, downtown). We needed to get video or picture proof of each of the dares we performed and at the end, when we all met up again she was to tally up the scores and grant the winning group a free dinner that the losing group had to pay for. It was great. Unfortunately, because my parents didn't want me going downtown I told them instead that I was going to the mall and then, because I really didn't want to talk to them (they kept calling all night), I told them that I had accidentally left my phone at the Timnmies we stopped by. This lie came in handy when I needed a reason for getting home late too. Anyways, it kinda sucked cause I missed about half the party because of my curfew. Other then that it was pretty much a blast.
Wait, no, there were two little downers, but they weren't that bad. One was that I was in a bit of a fight with one of my guy friends, and he was in my group. The other was the verbal abuse I had to endure because a drunk white guy didn't like "immigrants"(we were walking to the bus stop and some random guy walking on the street called me a cocksucking immigrant whore. I was disgusted to say the least.)
Thankfully, my night improved a bit when I met one of my ex's on the bus. It might be my imagination, but I feel like we were flirting the entire time. Then again, I was feeling kind of sick, so maybe I'm just misinterpreting his kindness as flirtation. He looks good. I wouldn't mind going out with him again. I don't actually remember the exact reason as to why we broke up. I'm sure it was something stupid that could easily be forgotten :).

Centre For Poor Karma and Pain Research

I scream in a soundproof room.
They forgot to turn the microphones on.
This is the last sound I make.
I disintegrate into nothingness.
No one will remember me or what I had to say.

I think I've moved on. I don't hate him as much anymore. I can stand being around him. I don't know why I hated him so much. I honestly don't understand it. Even so, I'm pretty sure he's not particularly fond of me anymore. I've been a bitch to him and I know it. Oddly enough, this doesn't really bother me. Which is mean, but I still don't care.
Interesting thing today, he was talking with the girl in our class and the asain guy I smoked up with and I joined in their conversaion. They were talking about how the girl could read people's "sexual auras", like, what they've done and what type of person they are in regards to that. This was interesting because most people who claim to be able to do this get me wrong. They all confuse me for some innocent novice. Sh got me practically dead on, but I think it's only cause I said that most people get me wrong. Or because I was wearing a really open shirt. It was kinda funny, cause first thing she said was "You're not a slut." And I found myself thinking, "Aren't I?" Then I figured she probably said that to everyone. I highly doubt shes gonna go tell a slut, "Oh, you're a slut." Right? Anyways, yeah, that amused me greatly. What amused me even more was how awkward he seemed to feel in that part of the conversation. As soon as she started trying to read me, he put his head down and started doing his math homework and seemed to finish up with it just as she finished telling me her reading.

Looking forward to getting high tomorrow, after our third math test. Exciting.

Well, When You Don't Tell Me What's Going On I Need To Listen In To Find Out

So, remember the guy, one of my good friends, the one that took me to prom? The one that I was sure had a crush on me? The one I hoped wouldn't ask me out because I knew that I don't have feelings for him? Yeah, him. He decided that, a week after being informed that me and my (ex) boyfriend broke up, he would ask me out. One of my best buddies, turns out, had set him up to it. My best guy friend has been saying from the beginning how he could totally see me and this guy dating. Ever since then I've been telling my best buddy that I wasn't interested in him. Besides I had my other guy friend who I had my whole friends with benefits thing going on with.
This is getting confusing. Let me try this a different way.
A- Best guy friend.
B- Guy friend who asked me out.
C- Friend with benefits guy.

Ok, so B has liked me forever. A is one of my best friends. We haven't really ever done anything together, except for the one time we thought we could try a friends with benefits thing together, but we didn't get past making out. C is the guy I was in love with, the one I had a friends with benefits thing with, until we stopped it so I could be with my (ex) boyfriend, but which we have restarted. A had called that me and B would make a perfect couple. I had said how I had no feelings for B and would most likely reject him should he ever ask me out. On monday, me and the boyfriend broke up. During the week, A and B came to visit me a couple times and I talked with both of them via MSN and telephone. On saturday I for some reason was talking to A and decided to ask him if B liked me. A said that he couldn't tell me because he's friends with both me and B and he couldn't sell anybody out. So I thought nothing of it. Me and C started making plans to see each other again. B called during dinner. I said I'd call him back. I called him back and he asked me out. Being really close friends I had trouble letting him down easily, so I hesitated a bit. He got all flustered and started saying how its no big deal and I didn't need to say yes and all that. I just felt so bad I figured it wouldn't hurt to try it. So I'm just like "Yeah.. sure, I mean, we can try it out, yeah?". I then found out that A had set him up to it and had even set a deadline for when B had to ask me out by. As soon as I had this figured out, I called the Ginger and she was horribly amused by the whole thing and just started laughing at me. She promised to yell at A and I assured her that I had that covered. Directly after that phone called I proceeded to call A. A picks up, with a very amused tone and starts talking about randomness. We kid around a bit and I have a mini spaz attack at him but he assures me that he's informed B that it most likely won't work out. Which I was extremely appreciative of.

Anyways, yeah, so now I have that to deal with.

Next day, sunday, I get in a stupid fight with my parents (go figure) and its about how "my shirt was too open". It was a fucking tank top. They gave me a shitload of grief and my dad lost his temper and got a tad violent which lead to me getting pissed and throwing myself at him just hitting everywhere and anything I could reach. This lead to my mom calling me a "Sex Object" (her words exactly) and basically calling me a slut. I was standing in my room seriously contemplating suicide. The only way I've considered is by taking a shitload of advils. Maybe chase the advils with some Bacardi? I was actually just standing there, 12 advils in hand. I was so close to doing it too. I wanted to make them suffer. I wasn't sure that it would bother them at all, but it might've. I decided against it and instead walked out of the house. I started walking away, my parents called my cousins, cousins picked me up and took me to my aunts house where there was a huge family gathering thing and I got a lecture from my grandma and my aunt (from my dad's side) about how I should just listen to my parents and do what they say sometimes.

Then, as I was cooling down a bit from te huge temper tantrum thing, I was sitting outside, by my aunt's pool and was immideatly pushed into the water. With my phone in my pocket. In case you haven't figured it out, my phone is currently not in existence.

Lastly, summer school is going alright. I think I'm passing. We've done two tests so far. The first one I got a 50, a 57 and a 100 on the three different parts of the test. The second one we didn't get back yet, but I'm expecting a similar mark as the first test.

Oh, I lied, that wasn't the last thing. Theres three more.

My parents don't drink. So theres no alchohol in our house. Or so I thought. Turns out, they had a nice little bottle of Bacardi that they got from the Dominican (or Cuba, I can't remember) and it was just kinda lying around in one of the downstairs cupboards. I figured they wouldn't notice if it went missing and took it up to my room, nicely hidden, for any special occasions. Granted, I'm not a huge fan of rum, I prefer vodka, it's still better then nothing.

Second last, one of my friends, this guy is the most amusing, carefree people you will ever meet. So he has a girlfriend, but he seems to have no problem whatsoever flirting with me. Which I'm not sure if thats what he's doing or what, but thats what it feels like. We'll be talknig about something and he'll ask what size my chest is. Or whether I've given head or if I spit or swallow. Apparently he told the girlfriend something about me and she got all jealous and started telling him about a dream she had where he was making out with me and she decided to retaliate by screwing this really hot russian guy we all know and love.
I don't know why I told that story, but it felt more important while it was still in my head.

The last thing (I promise this is it) I was on the phone with my other bestie and my mom was telling me to go to bed. She kept spazzing so I rushed my story about A and B and said night to her. My mom walks in my room as I'm hanging up saying, "What was that about?"
"None of your business"
"Yes it is, your my daughter and it matters. Who asked you out? Whats going on?"
"YOU WERE EAVSEDROPPING?!?!?!"
"Well, when you don't tell me whats going on in your life, I have to find out somehow."
"GET OUT."
The End

Ughh, she pisses me off so much. Whats it to her whats going on with my relationships and all that shit?

Anywho, yeah.. thats it for now. Wow, I didn't realize I needed to write so much.

Scream Your Heart Out

Uhm.. haven't done this in a while. I don't really know why I haven't written, but it was a nice feeling. Almost like I was living independently without need of a release. That no longer holds true. Or I just really feel like writing. Either way, here I am.

For starters, we broke up.
Now you're up to date.

To be honest, I don't know how I feel about it. We're in summer school together. Same school, same class, same table. We broke up on the first day and it was a nice clean break up. No tears, no nothing. Just very simple "I think it's over." "Let's be friends?" "Ok."
That was actually how it went down. Next day, I just felt like I didn't want to be around him, so I was distant and didn't talk to him at all. That led to him striking up a conversation with this pretty skinny girl who was sitting at the other table. I don't know if it's true or if I'm just paranoid, but I felt like he was flirting with her. Whatever, right? I mean, it's not like we're dating. But it was weird. I almost felt.. jealous. Possessive is more the word. I mean, he's mine! I was his first everything. Did that not matter to him at all? How was he so Ok to just start flirting the next day? Suddenly, for no apparent reason, I hated him. I actually hate him. I can't stand him. Listening to him talk to her, I couldn't stand it and decided to switch tables. I'm overreacting, I know. It shouldn't matter to me so much, but it does. I felt so strongly, I detested him. I do detest him. Just thinking about him is repulsive.

Why am I being such a bitch? How can I hate someone so easily? I have no idea. I've entertained the idea that maybe I'm not over him, maybe I still like him, but i rejected that thought almost immediately. I'm practically positive that I don't have feelings for him.

Plus, it feels like he just doesn't care anymore. If we were actually friends now he would've said something to me. Talked to me. About something. Anything.
All we've said to each other since the breakup was a tiny little msn convo saying "Hi.. do you get the math homework?" That's it.

Something else that's bugging me is the fact that he is so oblivious. While we were sitting at the same table, on the second day of school, I decided to smoke up and got high for the first time. He didn't notice. He was sitting directly across from me and he didn't realize that I was fucking baked out of my mind. WHAT KIND OF FRIEND IS THAT?!?!?

I don't know what I'm trying to get to, I just know I really needed this. It's helping me organize my thoughts. Maybe I'll even figure out why I'm so pissed.

On a brighter note, my friend with benefits thing is back on. I was talking to him (the guy I had been fooling around with before) and as soon as I told him that we had ended it we kinda fell back into our old "sex-talk/joke" style of speech. I look forward to seeing him again. I've missed him. I think I'm hoping that he'll make me forget all about my confusion. Or maybe he can help clear it up.

Lastly, I hate summer school. I hate math. HOWEVER, I am under the impression that I may be passing the course so far. Which is excellent news. It seems that ever since I moved tables I've actually started listening to the teacher. I'm almost excited for our next test. I think I know what I'm doing. WOOT.

Foolish Heart, Looks Like We're Here Again

Have you ever tried to hold your breath?
Just to see how long it takes for everything to go black.
Just so that maybe the air in your lungs would stop breathing.
Just so that maybe the hammer in your head would stop pounding.
And maybe the heart in your chest would stop beating.

I went to practice sad today. I hadn't heard from him all day, and we had gotten into a fight last night. I don't even know why we got in a fight.. something about the fact that I had taken a drag from my friend's cigarette. I don't think that's why we were mad at each other though. It doesn't make sense that a thing like that would cause such a huge argument. So it must've been something else, I just don't know what. Thing is, despite that that wasn't what I was upset over, I was still frustrated with him. I realized that maybe I don't know him as well as I thought I did. That maybe he isn't as sweet and innocent as I first believed him to be. I feel like I somehow.. broke him. He was so intent on "remaining pure" and being good, and not being physical.. and I pushed it till the sleeping male inside him woke up and demanded more. Demanded a more serious physical aspect to our relationship. I'm not saying he's demanding. I'm saying that he's changed, or awoken. Not that I mind.. I like being physical, I've already explained to him that I'm very open to things. I think I may have gotten the wrong message to him though. I'm afraid that he misunderstood "open" to mean "useable". It's probably a ridiculous, groundless thought, but I can't help feeling like I'm almost being used. I don't even know where I would get the idea from. Just... I don't know.
And then theres the idea that he's just messing with me, playing games with my head. He'll say things like "I wanted to say something, but it would make me sound like a dick" and, obviously, that leaves a person curious as to what he was going to say. I like when he tells me what he needs to say.. but when he dangles it in front of me... again, I don't know. I just feel like I'm being messed with. Despite it all, I can't help still feeling.. love? For him. I'm still in love with him, and it hurts when he say's things like " I feel like she's going to dump me, and I'm ok with that, as long as she's happy." I don't think he thinks very highly of me.
I know, this is wrong.. and I'm being a coward. I can't bring myself to say this to his face.. even writing this here took me a good couple hours, to word it all just right, to figure my thoughts out a bit.

I was saying how I was sad at practice today. I wanted to just hide away and cry. Not the really bad crying, the kind of tears you shed when you've cut yourself reeally bad. I mean the real crying. The crying you do to empty yourself. To just... cleanse. I don't know how to explain it, but it's the kind of crying that helps you feel better. You know how it is.. when you have a good cry and you just feel so much better. Well, I was trying to spoil myself with some easy tears, but was stopped by just about the entire team, coach included, telling me that no guy is worth my tears. That I shouldn't worry about it, and that I should just let it go. They clearly don't understand the healing power that tears hold. Nor did they understand what was wrong. Everyone just assumed that he was dumping, or had dumped, me.

I'm pretty sure that's not what's happening though. Or at least I hope it isn't.
But if it is, I'd rather he dumped me. I don't have the strength to hurt someone like that again.

A Wolf in Sheeps Clothing

Right now.. the title sums it up. I think.
I want to go cry, go die, go end this all now.
I don't like it.
I don't like that I'm being such a bitch.
And I don't even know what direction my thoughts are running in.

Right now, I can honestly say
I am Confused.