HAPPY FOUR TWENTY!!!!!

Five exclamation points, the sign of a true madman.

Uh huh, well, too bad I'm not crazy. (I swear I'm not, even the rapist agrees, I'm just "quirky"). Shrinking tomorrow!!! Oh boy, oh boy.

Erm, yeah, don't have enough time for a legitimate post tonight, but I felt like writing a post for four twenty, which is cause for taking some time out and reflecting (or smoking a joint). Plus, I feel the need to share an entertaining story about law class today.
My teacher was roleplaying a scene this scene (cause we were talking about AIDs)
Girl: Ooh, baby, let's go get freaky.
Guy: Mmmm, ooh, wait, babe, I should probably let you know, I've got the HIV.
Girl:Oh. Uhm, well then. I need to go... wash my hair.

Thing is, just as he was thinking up an excuse for the girl to get away, I called what he was going to say and we ended up saying "wash my hair" at the exact same time. Everyone turns around, looks at me, and we all burst out laughing. "Bahahahha, she's definitely used that excuse before!". It was entertaining. AND THEN we decided that our law teacher resembles the Crimson Chin from "Fairly Odd Parents".

Hahah, and, there was an awkward encounter today, between me, my ex and my other ex. I had left class "to go to the bathroom" and out in the hallway, I see the two of them just chatting. Not interested in joining the conversation, I attempt to walk past them, but they see me and one calls me over, "Hey whore". "Hey slut" I reply. The other one was all shocked, "You call her a whore?". To which he replies "duh" and the conversation goes on, we exchange hugs, I get lifted, tickled, poked, and squished once more, and then I escape, only to be dragged back for another hug (I'd forgotten to hug the other ex). I then escape, run away, find another friend, and as me and him are walking back to class, one of the ex's is headed in our direction. We stop to talk again, and he (ever so sweetly) tries to ask if the friend is my boyfriend. I'm pretty sure I saw jealousy. Lol, but that's only cause this is the ex who was trying to push for the hookup. Hahah, yeah, I love highschool. It is SO entertaining.

Oh, and, uhm, apparently, my boyfriend's falling for me.

Too Bad He Doesn’t Sparkle

Hahaha, so, my friend thinks he looks like a vampire (apparently you’ve got “fangs”), ANNDD, he was afraid of the sun today. Hmmmmm. She suggests I throw sparkles at him. Which I just so happen to have in my presence (convenient, no?). Mmmm, I do enjoy being with him (I wasn’t gonna do the play by play mushy teenager talk, but this is necessary).

No, I change my mind, it’s not (as it will only inflate his ego).

Uhm, on another note, I absolutely hate my parents right now. Moms not talking to anyone right now (I don’t even know why she’s angry this time) and dad’s a creepy stalker jackass. Fucking came to check up on me today! I mean, honestly? I got so pissed off, it was so uncalled for. Then, he had the balls to yell at me when I got home. UGHHHHH. -_-.

On a brighter note, I can finally have a good nights’ rest tonight. All the most recent projects and tests are done with right now, so I get a nice break for a little bit, and then I get to work on a couple thousand more projects this weekend. I do not like school work. ANNDDD, I’m still sore from the gym on Monday (that’s what we get for actually trying to have a serious workout).

So far my biggest mistake, is when I did it all for nothing.

Abehdeh

This was supposed to be a peaceful post, titled "Mmmm", with the sole content being "Contentment". However, I must now rant about how stupid the male species is, and how irked I am by them.
Well, no, that's not fair.
I'm not irked at the species in general. Just my ex, who decided he was bored and wanted to have some fun (again), so started talking to me again. This doesn't bother me so much. What bothers me is how fake some people can be in order to get what they want. For example, he wants to hook up again, but wants it to look casual, so instead he suggests we "hang out". Then, in order to get on my good side, and have me look upon him favorably, he tells me how much he misses me. He then attempts to compliment me with "I miss talking to you, you're not like other girls who don't use their brains". Uhhhmmm, kay? Thanks, I guess.
Actually, no, despite it's fakeness, that "compliment" was a nice touch.
Either way, not only does he have horrible timing, but I'm now beginning to see what the rapist means when she says I've become cynical in regards to guys, and what she means when she says that I let myself be used. Ugghhhh.
Wish I could talk more, but I've got a law test tomorrow, and had about two hours of sleep last night.
I don't know how this is going to work.

Smells Like Piss, This is Piss

Who Says This?

Tee-hee, I'm IN LOVE with the Sweeney Todd Soundtrack. Priceless.
Thought I'd let you know, my hair has been a cut once a more. (That sounds more intense in the weird accent thingy I'm using right now). But yes, it is cut, and at first I hated it, but I think it's growing on me.. it's a cute little bob type cut. Not too shabbehh.

I need to dye my eyebrows.
And work on my english project.
And reshape my eyebrows.
And work on my human growth project.
(Can't think of anything else to do to my eyebrows).
And work on my other english project.

I'ma gonna be a busy beeeeeeeee.

This Has Been Long Overdue

So, after Valentine's Day, I had to write an essay about a turning point in my life. I figured what better then my recent attempt?
However, I couldn't bring myself to share that essay with anyone. I feel like it's about time I did.
So here it is:

Turning Points Essay
Suicide is considered to be a feeble attempt at escaping reality. Attempted suicide, on the other hand, is a pathetic reason to remain alive. It leaves the person at hand in a state of anguish, feeling remorse at having failed so simple a task, but without the strength to try again. An upsetting statistic is all we are afterwards. A statistic of eight. Eight attempted suicides per each completed. All I was afterwards. One of eight unfortunate folk envious of the ninth who happened to be successful and thus no longer on this Earth.
What I don’t understand is why people fear death. After all, it is the one thing we can be sure of. The one thing we can be dependent on. Yet, we all fear it, thinking of it as an unknown rather than a certainty. So, the question remains; if death is so definite to occur, what then is the remaining variable? I suppose the unknown would be “what happens next”? A question that I, whether fortunately or unfortunately, do not have the answer to.
I do, however, have the answer to the questions racing through your head right now. What would drive a person towards such a weak escape? I suppose in order for you to truly understand how I felt right before I emptied my cupped hand into my mouth, I’d need to go back a couple years and discuss the numerous arguments and fights that drove me to the conclusion that suicide was my only option. However, for the sake of time, we’ll only turn the clock back to the beginning of the month.
To begin with, my parents, like the majority of foreign parents, had little trust in me, and were against the concept of “average teenage behavior”. Going to parties, staying out late, even sleeping over at a good friend’s house; these were all taboo. I believe it was because I was so restricted that I decided to act out, to attempt to experience everything I was “supposed” to experience. I needed to have something in my life that was under my control. Since my first year of high school, I’d been behaving recklessly. The most recent and the technical cause for my moment of weakness was a party I’d gone to.
Having convinced my parents that it was an all girls sleepover party, with one of my close friends and a couple of her other friends, I managed to manipulate my parents into letting me go. The party was a wild one, one of the worst I’ve been to. The overpowering scent of alcohol, cigarettes, vanilla flavored cigars, and marijuana left everyone in a state of frenzy. At about four in the morning, people were beginning to pass out, the majority of the guests gone. I woke up about three hours later, only to find my hostess cleaning the house frantically. A couple hours later, the house was clean with my assistance, and my father was on his way to pick me up. As I stepped into the car, my dad looked at me, and I could see the suspicion in his face. I didn’t realize how strong the smell of the party was, nor did I realize how thoroughly the scent had stuck to my jacket.
It wasn’t until a couple days later that my parents confronted me with their suspicions. They told me that they thought I was using “illegal substances” and they wanted to have me do a drug test at the police station. Without going into detail, I can say that they learnt about a lot of things the next couple days, things that shocked and disappointed them. Due to this, they lost all trust and faith in me. Everything went downhill from there. Arguments were raging, threats were thrown, and not just between my parents and I. The situation was taking its toll on my parents and their relationship as well. My father’s health was in jeopardy, my mother was keeping a strong front, but we could all see that she was crumbling.
It was around this time, on Valentine’s Day to be exact, that another argument ensued. This time I was listening to them tell me how disgusted they were by my actions, that they didn’t understand, that I was to blame for the destruction of our family. I felt like I was losing my mind; the only thing I had left and it too was leaving me. Beside me was the Advil bottle. In it were about twenty pills. Five of which were the prescribed pills the dentist had given me the day I had had my molars removed. There they sat, reminding me that I had other options. I didn’t have the strength the first time. The yelling continued. Nothing had been solved, no alternative solution suggested. Waiting for the moment my parents left my room, I knew what I wanted to do. Almost on impulse, opening the container, I emptied the contents into my mouth, and took a gulp of water. I was in shock.
They didn't yet know. I was almost at peace, thinking "I won't have to cry for much longer". I spent the rest of the day in a state of semi-consciousness; in and out of sleep all day. They soon found out, by putting one and one together. Knowing that I don't normally sleep much, and noticing how many Advils were missing, they figured it out.
Despite the hell we went through, a lesson was learnt and I was reshaped. Today, after some time, I recognize how fragile life can be, and try daily to become a different person. Not necessarily a better person, but a more accommodating one at least. After all, being an individual, and making your own decisions, isn’t always about being rebellious; and after being so close to losing everything, a person realizes that many things are more important than we initially gave them credit for.

Peach and Lemon Hate the Cold

ROFL. I'm so lame for putting that as the title, because no one will get the joke, unless Big Red were to read this, which she doesn't. Ah well, I will look at it and laugh, and reminisce.

But yeah, I felt the need to post something she had written about our twinlisness, it just makes PERFECT SENSE. And we were really proud of ourselved for understanding it. So I thought I'd share.
"Okay so I have this friend.She's pretty much the same person as me. Basically, we are a part of a different world; you know those angels and devils on peoples shoulders? Yeah, we're in the angel/devil world. And together, we make up one person in a bigger world,with features that combine the two of us. Soooo my friend called being the devil first, but that is not going to happen because we interchange angel and devil roles sooo sometimes I'm the angel, and sometimes she's the devil. And so the angel is sometimes the devil and the devil is sometimes the angel...and our host is just really stupid."

Beautiful, no?
We are absolutely genius.

The Worst Part About Crying in the Shower

Is not being able to wipe away your tears.

Haha, random (awkward) encounter today. At the gym, I ran into my ex boyfriend's best friend. At first I wasn't sure how I knew her, then it clicked and I regretted calling her over. Ughhh, that was uncomfortable. Especially because we were both pretending like nothing had ever happened, but we both knew inside, so we were secretly icky with each other. Yeah, girls are retarded.
However, we of the female species maintain that we ARE NOT nearly as retarded as those of the male species. It is fact, it is proven, and I happen to believe it with the whole of my being.

Uhm, moving on, I think I'm reverting back to my old routine, I want to stick to it this time. I'm actually trying to work on the weight thing (because that would probably assist the self-esteem thing).

Lastly, besides being angry and wanting to scream, I just realized (again) that I'm leaving here soon. Very soon. I'll move away a good hour's drive away, and I won't need to deal with any of the unpleasantness found in -- (my town).
And while we're on the general topic of anger and frustration, I'd like to mention to you that it'd be pleasant if you didn't interfere with how me and my best friend talk with each other. She understands perfectly well what my "get over it" was regarding. Thank you kindly :)

I lied one more thing. "Ughh" and "Uhm" and "Rawr" and "Urg" and all those words ARE WORDS. So it'd be greatly appreciated if spellcheck would FUCK OFF.

That is all :)
I'm contemplating watching Precious tonight. Hrmmm.

Mmm, Cheese.

How will I know,

The right way to love you?

I'm such a fool,

I'm such a fool,

I'm such a fool.

This one's out of my hands.

Practically positive that the majority of the female species can relate to that song.

I was *this* close to breaking down today.

I'm too proud to be pitied.

Besides which, I don't want pity, or sympathy.

I don't want it, and I don't need it.

By the way, you weren't online, and I can't go on the phone right now, so let me just say, before I forget, I'd rather you didn't chastise me on the way I speak with my best friend. You misunderstood my "get over it". The only reason I can comfortably tell her to "get over it" is because a) she knows that her nagging me every single day is just asking for me to snap at some point or other, and b) because she knows I'm not genuinely mad at her for nagging me. So you don't to jump up and defend her. She knows what I mean.

And, one more thing before I go:

I'm honestly worried. (I fear that my pride is getting the better of me here.)

As you are aware, I do have feelings for you. And, I care about you. You matter to me, much like the other important people in my life. However, I don't want your pity. If you sincerely believe that you're with me because you have feelings for me as well, then that's great, and we can have a happily ever after. But, if you think that you're doing it more so to give me that happiness, then I don't want it. I want to be liked for me, not pitied for my situation.

My Name Is Iris Chassidy

Hahaha, no, it's not, but how awesome would it be if it were?

Uhm, I'm feeling...
Conflicted?
Frustrated?
Confused?
Hurt?
Bored?
Tired of the same old thing?
Dealing with the same old thing?
Maybe even a little bit angry.

When will guys realize that they don't have to hurt the people who care about them. They don't have to plant these ridiculous seeds of doubt everywhere. They don't have to pretend like they don't care. They're allowed to feel genuine emotion, they're allowed to care about people, and actually let that person know.
Thing is, part of me doesn't actually care if I do doubt, just because I feel like, I'm helping him out, aren't I? Us being together, makes him feel better about himself, gives him a little bit of happiness. And if nothing else, I'm giving him something physically (or so I'd assume, seeing as he seems to enjoy certain things I do). Plus, just the fact that he thinks he's helping me by making me happy, that's also fairly therapeutic. None of this is to say I don't care for him, or I don't want to be with him. Oh nonononono. It's just, I have that feeling, where you know you're gonna get hurt. And I just feel like I should look at the situation before it happens. Cause, I feel almost certain, that whether he knows it yet or not, I'm gonna get hurt. Probably sooner then later.
I'm OK with that too. I can accept it, and deal with it when it comes my way (I've done it before, right? No big deal.)
Oh, I'm so bad at lying to myself :(

I don't want to click the "Post" button for this post. I don't know if I want him to read this, or know this. I'm almost certain he'll take it the wrong way. Which I suppose is why I'm writing it here rather than throwing it at his face (in the off chance that he won't read it).

Mm, and I really need to get over my self-esteem/confidence issues. It's really doing me absolutely no good.

Also, just thought I'd mention the beautiful day I had today, with rain, no school, and a feeble attempt at puzzle making. Fun stuff XD.

Dancing in The Snow

I was shrunk today, but it wasn’t actually that bad. Like, it was bearable. And it doesn’t hurt that the rapist is pretty much taking my side (though I think that’s just cause she’s doing her job.. hrrmm).
Yes, well, basically all we did was discuss the past, she asked questions, and now I’ve got another appointment in two weeks. Fun stuff. Even more exciting, is that
I TOOK A BUBBLE BATH.
Do you understand how incredible bubble baths are? I highly doubt you do. If you’ve never taken one, I must say, they are HIGHLY recommended. I don’t remember the last time I was as relaxed, and comfortable and warm. *Sigh*. Oh my goodness, it was like.. heaven.
Lame, I know, I just can’t think of anything else to describe the epicness of my bubble bath.
Erm, he came to see me today, and I look forward to spending the ENTIRE SCHOOL DAY with him tomorrow *YAY*, but today (which I enjoyed immensely) was just us sitting together, reading my law textbook (I had to study for a test). And it was just so peaceful, and pleasant; to explain how nice it was, I’m going to say this: I didn’t mind studying. Yeah, I know, bold words, but it’s true. That’s how much I enjoyed it.
I think it kinda reminded me of grade 8, when me and the then boyfriend would sit and read together during recess. Hahahaha, don’t judge me, I was little-_-.
Anywho, I’ve got little else to talk about, so I’m gonna go back to watching my movie. And if you haven’t seen it, I suggest you watch My Fair Lady, with Audrey Hepburn.
I <3 Audrey Hepburn.
Just saying.

Let's Use Jack Skellington Tape to Patch Up the Walls

So, I just COULD NOT wait for the next day. I was wayyy too excited when I realized this post would be the
ONE HUNDREDTH POST.
That's right! Oh Em Gee.
Wow, I did not know I was this energetic right now. Well, this is good (it'll help me get through the studying. Blarg -_-)
But yes, 100th post, I feel like it deserves something special.
I'm tempted to write a poem,
but I have no creative thoughts going through my head right now.. so I fear it'd be a HUGE disaster.
Uhm, OOH. I found anothere quotable notebook.. sentence.
Houses should have more windows. Less walls.

Lol, yeah, that's it.
I thought it was intense =D

Blissfully Blank

Just a few lyrics and stray thoughts right now. I had this song stuck in my head the majority of the day today, so I thought I'd share:

I want you to want me.
I need you to need me.
I'd love you to love me.
I'm begging you to beg me.
And so on and so on.

Those are really the only lines I had stuck in my head, and also the only lines that are particularly worth repeating.

Asides from those wise words, I thought I'd also type out some of the things I've found in my notebook.
Little girl points at Gryphon Mascot "That birdy can't fly!"
"No, sweetheart, he's grounded."

I change my mind. I do have stuff to write about. I’m so tired of this. I can’t stand it anymore. I’m going crazy, losing my mind. I don’t know what to do anymore. Anything looks more promising than this. I hate hating them, and I hate dealing with them, and I just don’t want to anymore. Except, it’s so much more than that. It’s not that I don’t want to deal with them, it’s that I can’t. I’m not kidding when I say I’m losing my mind. I mean, it can’t possibly be normal for a teenage girl to cry this much. It’s definitely not the “sane” way of handling oneself.
Without a word of a lie, I think I’m actually looking forward to seeing the rapist this week. Maybe she’ll have something useful to tell me, or help me find (as the rapists often do). Even if this week’s session isn’t beneficial, I can’t help but think that her office in itself is calming and pleasant. All the optical illusions she’s got hanging about, it feels.. pleasant, I suppose.
Moving on, I worry I’ve got attachment issues. As soon as I find myself caring for someone, I find myself also obsessing over them. Just today, I was in the worst mood just because he was late. Granted, I was only upset because I thought he wasn’t coming, but still. My mood shouldn’t be so easily dictated to me. It’s not right.
Uhm, what else?

Oh, hah. The jealous hookup guy was talking to me yesterday. Randomly messaged me on FB asking if I’d be interested in hooking up like before. So I asked “Haven’t you heard about me and him?”, to which he replied “I knew he was dating, just didn’t know it was you.” He then proceeds to pretty much guilt trip me for being in a relationship after having told him I wasn’t looking for one. Apparently, I’m really bad at reading people, and how they feel about me, because he then said “I just want you to know that I have and always will care about you”. Uhm, I’m not sure as to the exact wording. He may have said “care”, but I think he actually said “love”. Can’t remember. I do know that he definitely did say he loved me. I really didn’t know how to reply to that. Again, it seems I’ve just got the worst luck in these regards.

Mmm, this is such a great song: Fast Car by Tracy Chapman.
This song makes me cry.

What else? Hahahaha, I keep having this image in my head of him driving me to my shrinking this week. How awesome would it be having your boyfriend take you to see your shrink. I think it’d be awesome. Speaking of him, he thinks I’m weird for not liking acetone. Then again, I’m quite certain there are NUMEROUS other things about me he finds weird.
I’m gonna stop going on and on about him, and continue with what I was originally writing, the stuff I found in my notebook. Then, if I have the patience to type it out, I’ll tell you the story behind this guy who’s mad at me cause he thinks I’ve hurt his friend.
Lol, kay, so I just found this ridiculous schpewl in my notebook, just me ranting about semi philosophical concepts. I’m not gonna write it out though, it’s way too long, and not that interesting anyways. Mainly just me writing for the sake of writing.

OH, one more thing, before I forget. The assholes are contemplating pushing the internet curfew back to 9. I swear, it’s like they just WANT me to fail out of school and loose all my acceptances. *Tear*

I’m considering typing up the stuff I wrote in my notebook the day I got upset with him. I dunno, I think it might be best left on the paper. The one thing I WILL write from my notebook, though, is this:
Lol, random thought. When washing my face, I like washing only half the soap off, cause then t looks like I’ve got a great white beard. And, for that minute, I pretend like I’m old and wise. But then I realize that it’s just a foam beard and I feel young and silly again, and then I laugh.

I'm Not as Strong as Evie

I've destroyed my sister's life. She can't live because of me.
And there's nothing I can do about it.
Except hope. Hope that when I leave for university, they'll realize that she's done nothing wrong, and let her live in peace.
But that's a false hope. I know I'll just be leaving her defenseless, left to survive on her own. Faced with the numerous daggers poised at her.

All because I fucked up.

Dude, Willy Wonka's Online

Uhm, so, basically, my cat is the absolute cutest thing in the whole wide world.
Like, no competition, hands down, THE cutest thing alive.

She was sitting in my lap, and decided to stick her head under my sweater, and proceeded to fall alseep like that. Then, there was a plastic bag on the floor, and she realized it was crumply, and started wrestling with it. And when I tried to help her out of the plastic, she started wrestling with me. But she knew we were playing, so her claws didn't come out once, and she only pretended to bite.

I <3 my baby.

Asides from that, the weather is gorgeous, can't wait for summer to come. Though, to be honest, I feel slightly conflicted in that regards. I want school to be out, but I don't want it to be summer. My parents are sending me and my sister to Iran for the entire summer with my daddy. Mom can't come cause of work, and so the three of us will be spending two months together exploring Iran. This means I need to spend my only two free months (before I move away to university) away from the people that I actually want to be around. And then as soon as I go to uni, I'm away from my parents, but also away from everyone that matters. AND I'll be away from my baby. *Sigh*.

Life is hard.

Your Hair Was Long, When We First Met

You are,
My Sweetest,
Downfall.

<3 Regina Spektor.

Uhm, yeah, false alarm.
Apparently I'm not upset, and the cycle isn't over. I'm still waiting in line, but I'm also still talking to the chick from science class.
Haha, actually, I'm quite amused by the situation. I was still mad at him, but it's ok now, and I get it. It's just funny now.
He didn't want to end it after all, he wasn't tired of dealing with me (or so he says), he just wants me to get tesed for AIDs. I know, sexually transmitted diseases aren't a joke, not to be laughed at; I just can't help it. It's amusing, and so I will laugh. Only problem is that now I have to do that icky, icky, test.
Bleh.
Ah well, we will end this post in fits of laughter, and proceed with our lives.
Happily.

Mango Sushi, Anyone?

You're an emo kid.
You're so depressing to be around.
Why do you have to be such a rebel?
None of the parents like you, you know. They all know.. like, everything.


AAARRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Yes. Well. That is all.

No, wait it's not.
STOP MAKING ME CRY.
And,
I hate you.
No, not you, but you too -_-

I Was Hoping I Could Be Independent of This for at Least a Little Bit Longer

I guess not.

I hate the feeling that I don't have this anymore, but I can hardly stop writing for fear of having it read. Though, to be honest, I'm pretty sure he's stopped reading anyways, so I guess it doesn't really matter.

Everything was going so well, everything was beginning to fit, and yeah, I was rushing things, but it was ok, I thought.
Just the other day, I was sitting and talking to my cat. It was just like, this rant, about how everything comes and goes, and theres no sense doing anything because we just spend our entire lives waiting. And then, when we're done waiting, when our turn comes, we leave. It's like waiting in line at the movie theatre. Yeah, sure, you might see the cute girl from your science class, and have a conversation with her, but then she goes back to her spot in line, and...
Hold that thought, it's 11:11... I wish..
I wish all of this would just go away.
and yeah, you're back to waiting in line, and she might get in before you. Point is, nothing was accomplished, because the goal is getting into the movie. And right now, no matter how I feel, whether I'm happy, or excited, or curious, or whatever, it doesn't matter, because the cycle goes on, and then I'm sad again. I just wasn't expecting it to have such a short run.
I don't get it.
Wasn't he all.. into me?
Funny thing is, I was being yelled at today, by this guy, telling me "Don't hurt him the way you hurt ---- (the guy who took me to prom)". He genuinley believed I was some cold hearted bitch who just liked hurting people.
Crap, I think my internets being disconnected, so I'll just leave this here for the time being

What a Twisted, Twisted Game

So I think it occurred to me, just last night, why it is I haven't been able to write lately: it's cause people keep telling me to talk to them, and by the time everyone's done listening, I'm done talking, and no longer need to write it all down. It's kinda frustrating just because I generally enjoy writing in here, though, to be honest, it's kinda nice talking to people too. Either way, because of this new development, I may not be writing as much. I really should try to write anyways, just so that I can read all of it one day, when I'm old and grey.
I do have somethings to write about, so bear with me. First of all, this is kinda funny, but, the other night, I was having this really weird dream, and sort of semi-consciously, I wrote down the lyrics to the song I made up in the dream. I'm not gonna post them here, because they were ridiculously stupid, and not even complete. I was, however, fairly amused by this. Also, I've decided that writing in here when I have a crush, or a boyfriend, is a really bad idea, it ruins the entire air of the place, and to be honest, the stuff I write then isn't particularly interesting. I will mention, however, this new guy I think I'm really into. Only problem is that he's older, twenty, I think, and I don't see him much (though we have been talking a fair bit of late, via Internet). Oh, I lied, that's not the only problem, apparently, he's also depressed, and dealing with that stuff right now. That doesn't bother me at all, but I don't want to affect his recovery by flirting with him, or suggesting that I'm into him.
I dunno, I think he might like me too.
Uhm, what else?
Oh, another humorous/random event occurred, I got asked out to prom. Lol, but it was over Facebook, by the guy's female friend, asking if I would say yes f he asked me to prom. I wasn't sure what to say to it. I think it may've been a joke. I feel bad about this, but I'm thinking that I may just tell him that I'm already going with someone.

I visited Waterloo uni, too, by the way. I think I liked it, it was nice. I only went for this school play thing I was invited too, which was awesome, but I think what really struck me was a) the fact that they played Regina Spektor (Samson) at the end of the play, and b) the number of adorable/artsy type guys in the place.
I don't think I'd mind going there next year.
Anywho, I'd best be off, I haven't even started the pile of march break homework I got a week ago, all of which is due tomorrow O.O'

Out, Vile Jelly!

I'm really not in the mood to write, I just wanted to have a post for the month of march.
While I'm at it, I might as well inform you of the fact that I recently got my latest piercings; my second ear piercings. Also, Alice in Wonderland, the crazy Tim Burton movie just came out last week, and guess what?
I didn't get to see it yet. I don't even get to see it with the biffles because my parents are still bitchy and irksome. Thus, I get to instead see the movie I waited about two years for with my aunt. Yes, my aunt, as in my mothers sister.
I dislike this situation IMMENSELY.

Bahaha, one more thing, remember that older guy that liked me? The one I hooked up with when I was really wasted? Who got jealous because I was hooking up with another guy?
Yeah, well.. he's decided that I've just got too much drama surrounding me. He's completely given up on me and I believe he's begun hitting on my ginger.

I lied, theres one more thing I'd like to write of before leaving here.
Then again, I'm just really not into it right now. I can't be bothered to look at all my problems right now. So I'll just leave all this as is, and maybe next time I'll write all about the school Coffehouse, and the fight between my best friend and her boyfriend, and the even huger fight between me and my parents, and I might even mention the crush I think I may have on this boy at school.

Oh, I'm Staring At The Mess I Made

After looking back on my previous posts, I realized I had forgot to inform you of why it is I am afraid to write in here right now. This is how scattered my mind is, I don't even know which way is up anymore. Anyways, the reason I worry is because, due to the situation at hand, my parents have been digging up information on me. During out last argument, I got out of my father one of his sources, my laptop. More specifically, using Rogers Parental Control, or some shit like that. With this ridiculous technology, my parents were able to see everything I'd typed onto my keyboard for (according to them) three days. I don't believe them though. I've lost all faith in any of the words they tell me. This is because that's all they are now, words. Nothing more.
Even so, I couldn't bare being away from this for so long, I needed a release, and I don't yet have the courage to hold a blade to my wrist. My fear of pain is getting the best of me there.
I was actually explaining this to my friend last night. He asked how I felt and the only way to explain it to him was by saying that I don't feel anymore. Confused, he asked me to clarify. The best I came up with was this: You know how sometimes you just don't care anymore? It's almost the same for me, except now I don't feel. I'm almost numb to all of it.

I Think You're Saving My Life

I wish I could find the words to explain just how important you are to me. You're the only person who actually seems to care, or pretends to care, or is doing whatever it is you're doing. Either way, you helping me through this, it's like when a parent holds their kids' hand when they're crossing the street.
Absolutely necessary.

Thanks Feo,
I really do appreciate it.

If You Never Do Anything, You'll Never Be Anybody

I'm almost afraid to speak freely on here. So much is going on in my life and I don't even have the courage to take it out on my keyboard. I don't even know where to begin.
I suppose I can explain why I'm afraid to write here. But in order to explain that, I need to go back a bit.
Well, remember that post where I was saying my parents suspected me of smoking weed after the party, cause my jacket reeked? Well, that was just taken WAY too far. Basically, my parents decided to do some digging after that incident and found all this dirt on me. Namely, they found out a lot of the things I've done. This lead to us getting into huge fights, them thinking that I'm crazy, a pothead, a slut and who knows what else. Point is, any trust they had in me was completely thrown out the window. From there, it just got worse. For the next three weeks it was just fight after fight, and no hope for improvement. Needless to say, my parents decided I need help. Thing is, there's nothing wrong with me. Ok, so I drink at parties, I smoke, I sleep around a bit, does that really mean that I'm broken? No. It doesn't.
What makes me broken is the fact that I've gone crazy being trapped in this.. household.
That argument got me nowhere. The parents were insistent I see a shrink. More than insistent, actually. I had no say in the matter.
Before visiting the shrink, which was actually just a couple days ago, I did something stupid because I didn't know what else to do.
It was Valentine's Day, and we were still fighting and yelling and screaming. They were threatening to give the people important to me to the police because of the "dirt" they had on them. They left the room for a minute. I saw my advil container, in it were about 20 advils, 5 of which were the really strong ones the dentist prescribed to me when I got my molars pulled out. Almost on impulse, I opened the container, emptied the contents into my mouth, and took a gulp of water.
I was in shock.

My parents walked in again, and continued yelling at me. They didn't yet know. I was almost at peace, thinking "I won't have to cry for much longer". I spent the rest of the day in a state of semi-consciousness. I was in and out of sleep all day.
They soon found out, by putting one and one together. They know I don't sleep much, and when they saw how many advils were missing, they figured it out.

So now I'm seeing a shrink. I've gone once so far and I don't like it. My next appointment is next week. I really don't like this, especially seeing as I'm not crazy.

I finally told my best friend what's going on. Just yesterday actually. After three weeks of torture at home, my best friend is now aware of the hell I'm going through.

One last thing before I go, don't know if I've mentioned this before or not, but I've gotten two uni acceptances so far. Waterloo and Mcmaster. I'm still holding out for Western though.
I guess we'll just have to wait and see what happens.

Stop The Bleeding

No one should have the power to steal tears from your eyes.
It isn't fair to anyone to have to cry when they don't want to.
Thus, it is unjust for anyone to have this power.
They don't deserve it. It's not right.

Valentines Day Has One of The Highest Suicide Rates

I learnt something new today; it takes more than 20 advils to die of overdose.
Though, I may end up being wrong by tomorrow morning. Guess we need to wait and see.

My parents and I are still in a huge fight about the weed thing. Apparently they got some proof on me. I tried calling their bluff again.. it lead to them threatening to get the people involved in trouble. I left it at that.

I just want to give up. I cried the majority of the day, and then found comfort in a friend who's heart I think I may have broke not long ago.

I suppose thats only fair though, I mean, he's fair taking mine away this time.

I'm Too Close To Passing Out To Have Sex With You Right Now

There is so much I need to write about right now, but I just feel to worn out to talk about it. For now I'll give a brief summary until I find the strength to go into serious detail.
Starting from friday the 5th:
Friday night- concert, went to band's house to chill, Ginger slept over.
Saturday night- Aunt's wedding/gathering thing. Left that at 9ish, and went to friend's party after convincing cousin to drive me. Got wasted, wanted to sleep with a guy but had to deal with a previous jealous hookup who happens to have a.. crush.. on me. Slept over at friends house.
Sunday morning- Everyday is saturday night, but I can't wait for sunday morning.. Lol, I love that song. But yeah, sunday morning, woke up after about 2 hours of sleep and started cleaning the house a bit with the rest of the clean up crew. Jacket reeked of what I think to be weed, not sure though. Either way, it wasn't a big deal, I thought I got rid of the smell a bit. Sunday night- Family did a birthday thing for my mom, my mom was really happy because I wrote her a note in the book I got for her.
Sunday 1AM- Cousin and I get in a huge fight because I mentioned to him that I had a drag of weed at the party on saturday night. He's really against weed because he was fairly addicted when he was in HS. He then threatened to tell my parents, or the cops. Point is, we got in a fight.
Today- After school, dad calls, wants to talk to me. Turns out, he suspects me of smoking weed. Wants to do a drug test. I get mad, but bluff and say "Let's do it" before storming out and hiding. He gets pissed, tells my mom, and there is a huge fight when I get home. I fixed things with my cousin a bit, and then used the pity card on my parents and pretty much convinced them that I've done nothing wrong.

I love how I wasn't going to go into detail, but the summary's get progressively longer each time period. Whatever, that's it for now. I'll talk more about it later.

I'm Made of Paper Cranes, What Are You Made of?

My soul wants to take flight.
Broken wings keep me trapped.
My shell has been used.
Used and misused,
All with my consent.
And now I wonder,
For what did I give,
And not receive.
My battered heart,
Worn and torn,
Unable to hold any more.
I don't want to feel like this again.
_________________________


Hot water pounding,
Toes curling,
Head covering,
Tears rolling,
Arms holding,
Thoughts racing,
Cries reaching,
Not a sound escapes.


That's not exactly where I was planning on going with that, but I liked how it sounded so I went with it. What I meant to write was how broken and alone I felt and realized I was yesterday, in the shower. The hot water was pounding on my back, my legs curled up beneath me, my arms circled around myself, my head bent down. And all that I could think about was how easily I've been giving myself up, how all these guys just want to use me, because I've given them permission to. I wondered if there was anything else about me, other then my apparent ability to suck cock, that made them want me. Anything about me that actually made them want me. As a person, not a mouth, or an.. opening.
What bothers me most is that I actually still have no problem hooking up with guys. I just don't want these guys again. I'm still completely comfortable with random hookups. Which makes me realize that it's not because I'm particularly horny, I just seem to view hook ups as opportunities. "It's possible for him to ask me out on a date after our hookup, right?". Silly delusions, no doubt, but beliefs none the less. Something to believe in, something to hold on to.
It's all I have left really.


By the way, I'm totally over you. No, I'm not talking about you, though I'm totally over you too.

I'm Falling to Pieces

That's all really, I just..
I don't know whats wrong with me, my temper, my emotions.
Why do I get so mad, so easily?
I must be..
falling
to
p i e c e s.

I Don't Feel Like Talking With People Right Now

But it's not like anyone reads this anyways.

So, I was going to vent and spill all thats bothering me out on here, but then my friend asked whats wrong and I pretty much threw it all at him. I feel really bad about dumping all my.. depression? on him, but it did really help having him listen.
I feel that having intorduced this, I need to actually say whats going on, so I'm just going to paste the important parts of the conversation on here.

he says:
*tell me
*please?
she says:
*it's really nothing
he says:
*nothing is ever nothing
she says:
*i'm just tired of dealing with people
he says:
*tell me what happened
she says:
*my parents started flipping out that the bus ride back home was taking too long, and that i should have been back at exactly 6, so when i got back at 6:18, they were yelling at me and di was in a bad mood, but i couldn't go sulk because we had to go to my grandma's house, with a bunch of idiots i happen to be related to, namely, my cousins, and my sister, cause she turns into a mindless idiot around them. not that she isn't naturally a mindless idiot
*so i deal with their bull shit all night, and i'm kinda in my own world, until they ask me to pour ice cream for all four of us
*so i start, and they start nagging me cause i wasn't putting enough fucking ice cream for them, and they start bittching and saying shit, and calling the parents, and then my mom yells at me for leaving the hot water on (to heat the spoon to make it easier to scoop)and the bitches take the ice cream to the other room without a fucking word of thanks, and start flipping channles on the TV
*the reminder i had set for this odysseus movie goes off, and i change the channel to see if its anything worth watching
*they get mad again and start throwing things at me to change the channel
*while also saying shit to me
*you'd think my sister would, at the very least, give me a fucking second to change the channel
*course not
*all of them are throwing things and me and yelling
he says:
*wow...
she says:
*i couldn't take it anymore and walked out, to cries of "you'd make a terrible mother"
*and was about to break down
*then my dad walks in trying to "comfort" me, but he doesn't know whats wrong
*and then i completely broke down when i opened the essay i was working on, and found that it was gone
*now i just want to cry
*and i was crying, but that was attracting too much fucking attention, so i stopped
he says:
*wish i could do something
she says:
*don't worry about it
*i'm just so tired of them thinking of me like i have no feelings, like they can throw whatever they want at me
*it's like they think i'm just a really hard shell
*but i'm not
*and it hurts
he says:
*its ok, im always here for whatever u need
*i know how much it hurts
she says:
*thanks, i really just needed to vent
*you're a great friend :)
he says:
*:)

Sorry about the spelling, I was too angry/hurt/sad to worry about my spelling and grammar.

Why Are You Playing Solitaire All Alone?

I kinda flipped out at my parents tonight, about how I cared more about my friend then I did about my aunt and her stupid wedding. Maybe if it was a legit wedding, to a legit guy, I'd be less harsh. But she's marrying an idiot, and shes doing it on the night of a party I really want to go to.

I'm Taking it Slow, Feeding My Flame

LOOK UP THIS SONG.
NOW.
DO IT.
It's called Eyes on Fire by Blue Foundation.
It is.. CHUCK NORRIS.
ROFLCOPTER.
Yeah, but there's actually no other word to describe it's awesomeness.

And I am ridiculously fucked right now. My diet has consisted of cookie dough and monster energy drinks, my sleep (HAH, what sleep?) is like, 3 hours a night, and I haven't gone to the gym at all this week.
And I've been smoking more.

I just want tomorrow to be over, so I can sleep, and eat, and workout.

On the bright side, I think I finally learnt how to study.

Chuck Norris Is The Reason Waldo Is Hiding

I'm scared shitless that I'm going to lose my Waterloo acceptance if I do poorly on this week's exams.

Political Procrastination

What I Found In My Coffee Cup

In my coffee cup this day I did find,
a bat with it's wings spread wide,
the dainty fingers of a hand
poised to pick up an unseen object,
a monster carrying murderous weaponry,
the strong legs of a dancer mid-pose,
a dolphin leaping through the canvas,
the beak of a bird,
a dinosaur with its head held high,
the tiniest of hummingbirds,
lightly at flight,
a snake poised to strike,
and the elusive elephant,
who poked his head up through the mess,
just as I was finishing up.

I must say, I'm particularly curious as to what the hand is attempting to pick up. I also think the hand appears to be wearing a ring. On it's third finger.

In previous cups, some particularly clear images where a lion, a giraffe, and an owl.

What was particularly disturbing in my past three readings, was the emergence of the image of a witch.
In each cup.
Three times in a row.

This Stopped Making Sense After the First Line

Tough skin is overrated,
You're never really there.
When I close my eyes to look at you,
I wait to disappear.
I whisper to the dark,
In hopes that you will hear.
But the wind keeps softly blowing,
Your lies to me, they tear.
Tough skin keeps me breathing,
It leaves you in the air.
Come save my punctured soul she says,
It leaks, you see, right here.
The eyes, they do the same,
Salty tears they often see.
My heart, you see, she longs for you,
My brain does disagree.
So tough skin is all you left me,
To save me from myself.
For this I do not thank you,
She hates what she's become.

Ten Things I Hate About You

So, I didn't write this, but I love it, and the part in the movie when she reads her poem makes me cry every time.

I hate the way you talk to me,
and the way you cut your hair.
I hate the way you drive my car,
I hate it when you stare.
I hate your big dumb combat boots,
and the way you read my mind,
I hate you so much it makes me sick,
it even makes me rhyme.
I hate the way you're always right,
I hate it when you lie.
I hate it when you make me laugh,
even worse when you make me cry.
I hate it when you're not around,
and the fact that you didn't call.
But mostly I hate the way I don't hate you,
not even close,
not even a little bit,
not even at all.

Too cute right??
I got a bit teary just writing that out.

On another note all together, I found this scribbled on my notes. Must have been being philosophical again at some point and just hadn't realized it.
"Many ideas are considered naive if they conflict with societies general perception of the topic."

The Russian

Apparently one of my friends enjoys having conversations,
about my ass,
with his friends.

And I wore a lion hat today..
and played London Bridge.
And mauled one of my exes while wearing the lion hat.
The hat had paws too.

I'm going to miss highschool next year.

The Make Up Sex Is Good As It Gets

2:30 last night- Alright, it's almost 3, this movie has stopped making sense (Sherlock Holmes), and I'm not getting anywhere with my Politics work. Time to go to bed. Before I go, let's just check the e-mails. Mm, facebook mail. Fun stuff. Wait a minute, that's not from facebook. Shitt, that's from Waterloo. *Open email*. "Congratulations! You’ve been admitted to the University of Waterloo for fall 2010 in Honours Arts, First Year, Regular. " Wait, what? Waterloo? Isn't that a good university? Isn't it far away? HOLY SHIT, I JUST GOT EARLY ACCEPTANCE TO WATERLOO.

At that point I was wide awake, and couldn't fall back asleep. My facebook status was set to let the world know the incredible news and my fingers were dialing my twin to let her know as well.

Then it clicked.

No matter what happens, I'm moving out at the end of this year.

And The Attention Span of a Fish on Crack

Hahaha, so, my crazy friend decided to go get one of those microdermal piercings. It actually doesn't look as scary as I thought it would. But apparently it hurt like a bitch to do.
And it wasn't cheap neither.
'Bout a hundred bucks, I think is what she said.
What makes me laugh is that she went to that new sketch parlor, Pain Is Pleasure. But apparently they're good, and cheaper then Stingers, so I might do my tounge there. Not yet though, I have to wait till I move out for Uni. The parents would shoot me if I got my tounge pierced. They practically flipped out when I suggested getting my second ear piercing done.
All I know is that I will get it done. And after I get my tongue pierced, my next project will be getting my first tattoo.
Or maybe I'll get the tattoo first.

You Basically Have The IQ Of a Squirrel

I think I miss the feeling of being loved.
Today I saw the slightest, yet most adorable, display of affection from my friend and her boyfriend. Just the way he offered her his sandwich, and told her he had already ate all the peppers because he knew she didn't like them, nothing right?
Wrong.
It's the most wonderful feeling in the world knowing someone knows you, and more importantly, cares about you. Thinks about you. Anything.
Part of me thinks I maybe don't deserve affection. That maybe after behaving so.. poorly, all I deserve is poor treatment.
Maybe being alone is what I get for rejecting the people who were genuinely seemed to care about me.
Then again, did anyone really care about me to begin with? I mean, looking back on my last "serious" relationship, the dick won't even talk to me now. Some bullshit about how he's used to associating me with negative emotions. Don't ask, I don't get it either. So, if he can feel that way about me now, who's to say he ever felt anything else? Maybe when we were dating he was just curious as to what it was like to be in a relationship, and decided to play the role of a boy in love.

I suppose it's possible I'm just being stupid, but that doesn't change the fact that I really just want someone to hold me.
And care about me.
And just be there.

Baffump

Wow, lots to write and so little time. I'm gonna see how much I can write in the next 15 minutes, cause after that I need to get onto studying for the test I have tomorrow.
Ok, so, yesterday, me and a couple friends went downtown to participate in the Improv Toronto No Pants Subway Ride. Awesome? Yes. Very. Basically, about 300 people showed up, we were split into groups and scattered out on a subway. At a designated time, people started taking their pants off. Then, we'd get of the subway and get on the next one, without pants on. It was ridiculous. People would stare at us and whisper to each other, then one guy got pissed off cause we wouldn't tell him why we weren't wearing pants (my excuse was that my pants were in the dryer). Me and my friends decided to leave that early though, because we had decided to do Free Hugs that day too. We decided to take the no pants subway ride one step further and didn't wear pants for an hour or so outside. This lead to comments like
"Sluts!!"
"Godbless Canadian Girls"
"Aren't you cold?"
"Why aren't you wearing pants?"
"My head hurts.. I'm so confused."
And from one person "Were you guys at the No Pants Subway Ride?"

Lol, we then walked into Chapters and bought coffee. Our conversation with the employee went like this "Why aren't you wearing pants?" "I left them in the dryer." "Oh, ok. What can I get you?"
I'm not even exaggerating. It was funneh.
Afterwards, we continued walking around pantless, till we got to this clothing store and decided to switch from pantless to free hug giving. We pulled our pants out of our purses (to the surprise of the sales clerks) and I exclaimed "Wow, pants are warm, now I know why they were invented. Huh." I got laughed at for that comment. With our pants on, we gave our first hugs to the sales clerks. Leaving there, we began walking around the streets offering free hugs to EVERYBODY. Some people were sweet and gave us lots of hugs, some people pretended to get a phone call the second we were withing earshot, some people were rude (one old guy looked at us, scoffed, and called us "perverts"), some were hot (one guy with a sexy accent kissed us on the cheek for giving him a hug) and some were overly enthusiastic (we were asked for pictures a couple times, and woman got really emotional and gave us this huge speech about how much she appreciated what we were doing.. she even cried a bit). We offered hugs to busy salespeople as well, randomly knocking on store windows and holding up our signs (this was generally greeted with a "come on in and hug me!!") and we even hugged a store security person.
Without a doubt, it was the best day of my life. All the hugging made me smile from ear to ear the entire time.

So that was my weekend. Today, I hooked up with my ex-boyfriend (from elementary school). It wasn't really planned. We had been talking the other night, and decided that we don't see each other often and made plans to hang out today. So after school, we started walking over to this deserted barn that we have on our street. At first we were just exploring. The place was a huge mess, full of random junk, old tires, and broken couches. There were also horse stables on floor level. After exploring that, we found there was an upstairs as well. We continued our exploration of the upper level and found it to be much cleaner and in slightly better shape. As we were about to leave, he looked at me and said "I want to try something." and kissed me. We decided not to leave after that, and instead went over to the cleanest room with a little couch in it and continued making out. That lead to my shirt being undone, and then my bra. His mouth was on mine, then on my neck, then on my chest. He (very gentlemanly) spread out his jacket on the couch for us, and sat me down. My pants were taken off and his mouth was on me again. This time not on my face, but between my legs. It was beautiful. After I was done, we switched places and I had my mouth on him. Apparently I'm not bad at giving head, he kept telling me how "amazing" I was. Unfortunately, whether because of the cold, or for whatever reason, he didn't cum and I had to stop due to loss of feeling in my legs (from the cold). We redressed and continued making out, then sat back on the couch and cuddled as he attempted to thaw me out a bit (I was shivering.. alot).
On my walk home, I figured I had best let the BFFL know what had gone down. I called and told her what happened, and she told me I had horrible choice in guys, that the guy I picked this time was a known "bragger" and that she might be breaking up with her on/off boyfriend of the past couple years.Yeah, what bothered me about that though, was not that she was probably breaking up with him, but that, without it even happening yet, she's already looking for her rebound. I yelled at her and told her I didn't want her to fool around directly after they break up, but she wouldn't listen.

Couple more things, I know, I've gone way over 15 minutes, but I'm almost done, honest. I got in a huge fight with the parents last night, and it currently looks like me and the mother won't be speaking for a while.

In my last post I mentioned my hair: it's pink. Well, the underneath is. Well, it was. It's faded out now for the most part. Still there but not really. I like it. It's exciting.
And last of all, I think, remember the drunk hookup? With the drunken confessions of love? To the guy it turned out I wasn't really into the morning after, when I sobered up? Yeah, well, I just heard from the friend who's house that was at that the guy is still bitching and moaning about "What I did to him.". What I did to him? Really? When I was drunk? Besides that, I thought me and him were friends now. And fb now. Apparently not. Weird cause we'd been making plans to hookup. Looks like he's not interested. Meh.

All done, now TIME TO STUDY. Fuck.
Toodles :)

Drum Roll Please

It's the New Year, which means that it's been about a year of my typing to you. Well, not quite, but that's what it's going to look like in the side bar/history thing :). Seeing as it is the New Year, certain traditions ought to be upheld. For example, the customary "resolutions", reminiscing, and regretting. Thing is, I don't think I really regret anything this past year. Sure, I went through some shit, I dealt with a couple bitches, climbed a couple mountains, but I also got stronger from lifting the obstacles out of my way, or from jumping over them, as I usually did. Point is, why regret things? What does that really accomplish? I suppose, if one was to begin by regretting, and allow that regret to lead them towards something like, wonder, or curiousity as to what was going through their heads at the time, then regret would be a beautiful thing. it would allow people to do something they don't normally do, at all. Then again, I can't honestly say that. Not having been inside the heads of many people. I did just pick the brain of my good friend, and fb, asking him why he wasn't interested in dating me. I asked him what he would change about me. To which he honestly replied, that he wouldn't change a thing about me, and that there just wasn't a spark. What the fuck am I saying? I think I totally went off topic, and I can't believe I thought that he said that honestly. I don't know, I have trouble thinking of him as anything but perfect. Everything he says, everything he does, the way he looks, just everything. I adore him. I don't love him anymore though. I haven't really even thought about him like that since back then, a hundred years or so ago, when I thought I was actually in love with him. Silly, stupid me. I suppose there's a possibility that I'm in denial, and am just trying to save some pride by pretending. But I don't think so.
Anywho, completely off topic, lets get back on track with the New Years thing. Uhmmmm. I missed out on all the new years parties. I had just gotten off the plane back to Canada, from Arizona (where I had spent a week of the break with my sister at my, uncles? house). I saw a cactus for the first time, and we went to visit the Grande Canyon, which was absolutely incredible. Surreal, almost. Well, after I got off the plane landing in Canada, my parents were there to pick us up. We headed home, getting there at about 11:50, ten minutes before midnight. I hopped into the shower and ended up shampooing my hair as the clock struck midnight and the new year began. I was excited to go party after the flight, but my parents rejected that thoroughly and had me stay home the entire new years. I could've cried. It didn' really help when I got calls from friends yelling Happy New Years in slurred voices. But thats ok. No regrets. Hahah, Hakunah Matata.
I have to write more, about Malaysia, and about my hair, and my male "friends" and I'm sure theres more. But I'm not thinking straight right now, so I'll continue this later.
Night :)

There Was A Love Affair In This Building

I love pretending I'm having a conversation (on msn) with someone, and then sending a random line to someone else, just so they can see that I'm really busy/popular. I don't know why though, last I checked I didn't really care what people thought 'bout me. I guess I also do it because then it usually starts a new conversation with the "accidental" person.

Bawk Bawk Boom

I don't care how creepy this sounds, but I absolutely adore it when he calls me "little".
It makes me feel skinny, and pretty, and in need of his "big, strong protective arms".

Remind me why we care about being treated equally?? I think all women really just want to be taken care of and protected.

Sex With Snowmen Leads To Hard Nipples

So basically, I want to give out free hugs. After riding the subway without pants on.
Sounds exciting, right??
SOFA KING EXCITED.

Bahahahha, that's an inside joke between me and my gingie. But I guess I'm kinda lame for writing it here, where no one else will get it. Meh, I'll have a good laugh.

Back to the free hugs thing, you need to watch this.
http://youtube.com/watch?v=vr3x_RRJdd4

Yeah, I don't care so much about the campaign. Yes, it was touching, and I'm glad he won. But what really touched me was the idea of giving hugs to strangers in an attempt to brighten up their day. I currently do the same thing with smiles, most of the time. When I see someone while I'm walking, I usually flash a huge smile in their direction. Unless it's one of those people who look like they're afraid of teenagers. When I see those people, I try to look as tough and "Don't-Fucking-Mess-With-Me"ish as possible. It's really funny staring them down and watching them downcast their eyes so as to avoid eye-contact. Oh my gosh, it's priceless :P. Always makes my day.

As to the pantless subway ride, that's this thing some Improv group does annually. What it is is basically a ton of people get together and get on the subway, not all together, but a couple in each car. They still have their pants on. Once they're on the bus, and it starts moving, they casually, randomly, take off their pants and put the discarded pants into a backpack or purse they just so happen to be carrying. Upon being asked why they aren't wearing pants, they're supposed to keep a natural expression and say something along the lines of "I'm not?? I hadn't noticed." or "I didn't really feel like putting pants on today.".They're not allowed to talk to the other pantless people either, or else it looks like it's being staged.
Do you have any idea how much fun this is going to be??

And Now I've Lost My Means

I hate the things I'm supposed to call "Parents". Those detestable beings that sneak up on you in the middle of the night and search through your stuff while you're unconscious.
Then, the sneaky little bastards have the audacity to bust you for it by asking you a simple question, the next day, something like "Do you need cash? Or do you have?" To which I reply "Nope, I have none." Why? Because I need to buy another pack, and I had concocted the perfect way to get money for it without raising any suspicions on the parents behalf. Only thing I forgot to take into account was that my parents are DICKS.
Because my parents checked my wallet to see if I had money on me, and because I didn't know they had, and lied about having money, I'm now "grounded". I put grounded in quotations because, with my parents, going out is a fucking hassle to begin with. It's next to impossible to convince them that I'm not doing anything wrong (which I usually am). Now, I'm grounded, and they're apparently going totake away my debit card, which is a bitch move 'cause that money is actually mine, the money I make from work and they have no right to take it from me. Fuck, why couldn't I be blessed with white parents?
Or better yet, why couldn't I just come to be, without any parents. And just magically, survive, and grow and live happily ever after.

On the bright side, I've met the sweetest guy ever. I absolutely love talking to him and I hope we can grow to be great friends.

A couple posts ago, I mentioned the paintball party, and how the referee started to hit on me. Well, I gave him my number, he later found me on facebook, and now we talk. I have to admit, at first I thought he was going to be a really stupid person. This sounds horrible, and self-absorbed, but I did. He's got the look of a hardcore stoner, and he wears "gangster" clothes (i.e., baggy jeans, huge sweater, the baseball cap thingy with the sticker on it etc.). He started telling me about his life, how it's pretty fucked up, but he's starting to change it- turn it around now. I was not expecting him to tell me too much about it, but he did. He opened up like a book and just.. sang. He's been through some tough times, and I think he's alot stronger for it. But that's not the point. Point is, he's a real person. He thinks, and, it's hard to explain. I sound like a horrible person right now, and I hate myself for it, but it doesn't sound half as bad in my head.

Oh, and by the way, I lied earlier in this post. The fuckers didn't go through my stuff while I was sleeping. This is because I hardly sleep anymore, having been going to bed at around 4am each night lately. No, rather, they wait till I'm at swim practice to go through my stuff. The only reason I lied about this in the post was because it didn't go with the story mode I was writing about them in. It wouldn't have sounded have as dramatic if I said "Those detestable beings that sift through your things while you're swimming laps".

How Do You Spell Hate?

P-A-R-E-N-T-S.

Adorable, Cute.. Same Thing

Warning- Explicit Content :)

So I met another online friend. And I didn't think it was going to lead to anything, but he was fun to talk to. We started talking about more sexual things (as always is the case when I talk to new guys.. it just happens) and he started saying how he's so selfless, and would rather make someone else smile then receive personal gain. This was sexual because it was in relation to getting head vs. being eaten out. He was saying he'd love to go down on a girl even if she didn't want to blow him afterwards.

Anyways, I have to be quick, I'm exhausted.. it's already 4 am. So yeah, I mentioned my nude pictures, he was interested and sounded really excited, so I sent them, and for the first time in a long time, I felt pretty. He was so enthusiastic about how lucky he was to be getting the pictures, and how the world deserved to see them, but not the whole world, just him. Yeah, I know.. horny guy says things to make him continue to receive this type of thing, but even still, even knowing that, the things he said just made me feel... pretty. Theres no other word for it. I just felt really good about my body for the first time. It wasn't even that he was being sweet and cute about it. The things he said felt raw and honest. "You're tits are fantastic", "You're body is sexy, you are gorgeous" etc. I don't know how else to say this.
I. Felt. Good.

Dear Diary, Sorry To Bother You Again

But I feel lonely, and it's like no one notices, or cares.

Oh my goodness. Read that line, that first line, once more. Was it not just a little while ago I had posted "I am so tired of her self-loathing bullshit"? Can you spell HYPOCRITE? I irk myself sometimes, I can be so ridiculous. I don't know if it's really self loathing right now, but whatever it is, I'm depressed. I also have a SHITLOAD of work to do, and that's part of why I'm writing right now: I don't feel like doing work, I'd much rather waste time here. Not that I haven't already wasted time all day, getting next to no work done. Jeez I can be stupid.

Despite my rant, I actually do feel really lonely. Remember a while ago, I mentioned something about a guy, a close guy friend, who was into me, but who I wasn't into in return? The one I went to prom with. Yeah, him. Well, me and him have (*had) been friends for a little while. We'd talk all the time, and tell each other things (well, I wouldn't tell him things about the guys in my life... I felt like that would be mean seeing as he had a crush on me and I kinda turned him down). One of the things we tended to talk about was my lack of self confidence. He'd say how I should change how I feel about myself, be more confident etc. Thing is, I like being bitchy to myself. Calling myself a loser, or fat or whatever else I say to myself. Why? Because it's safe, it's something I'm used to and something that I can depend on. It's like my reassurance "No, don't worry, you're still a loser, you're still huge etc." So yeah, I was used to this and didn't like that he was trying to change this about me. So when we would talk about it, I would agree with him just to shut him up. I told him this one time, and he got really "hurt" as he put it. Why this hurt him, I do not know. Something about me not caring about what he has to say and him wasting his time. After I "hurt" him, he distanced himself from me, and pretty much stopped being my friend. I confronted him about this today, and found all of this out. I honestly started crying while we were talking about all of this. I don't quite remember when I started crying, I think it was around when he said he "didn't know how to be my friend anymore".

I don't know whats going to happen with us now, his computer died halfway through our conversation and he didn't come back online, so I suppose we'll continue the conversation another time.

Other then that, the weekend was a bit of a bore.. some fun on friday, I went paintballing for the first time ever. Lots of fun there, and lots of cute guys too :P (I was the only girl there). The referee started hitting on me, offered me some weed and we chatted a bit. Unfortunately, I had to leave before he got his break, so no weed. But it was still cool, cause I had gone for a friend's birthday, and a couple of us had to bus back to his place. On the subway we bought Cinnabuns (which are ORGASMIC) and accidentally took the wrong bus. Finally got to his place, where he snuck us a couple beers, and we grilled some hamburgers and chicken. I got really tipsy/hyper and started yelling and being very loud. Everyone was feeling really energetic so we ran out to the park at around 10 pm and started acting like crazy people (i.e., lots of screaming and laughing). Missed another party on saturday because my mom wanted me to go to her works' Christmas party (which was RIDICULOUSLY boring).
Lastly, my best friend seems to be depressed. She addressed me in her blog, knowing I read it almost regularly, and told me not to bother calling. I don't know what's going on with her, and I don't know how to help her. Part of me thinks she's making all of it up to have some extra "excitement" in her life, but the other part of me insists she's being sincere. I suppose I'll talk to her on monday, I just don't know what I'm expected to say.

I lied, theres one more thing, then I'll go start my homework. I'm in grade 12. This means that university is a big stress right now, meaning I have to be really careful about my studies and work hard for good marks. Unfortunatley, I suck at working hard, and love to procrastinate. This is a bit of a problem. I sent my OUAC application in about a week ago, and I've been freaking out ever since that I won't get accepted by any of the seven schools I'm applying for. Og my gosh, I'm so nervous. It's.. ACH.

Notes Found On Loose Papers

Watching the goldfish swim around in their fishbowl,
constantly running into the glass walls surrounding them.
I feel their pain as I too have stumbled into invisible
boundaries countless times before.
Looking for an escape. I think to myself, I'm not much better off.
At least the two fish have each other.
I sometimes feel like I have no one at all.



"Some birds aren't meant to be caged.
Their feathers are just too bright."

I Don't Quite Know How To Say How I Feel

I'm tired of yelling at people. More specifically, I'm tired of hearing people yell at each other. I'm dealing with a shitload of stress right now because my swim coach doesn't like my attitude, nor does he like the rest of the team. Because I'm the loudest, and most assertive swimmer in my group, he tends to blame me for the rebellion he sees in the swimmers. I used to yell at him for giving us shit fro our swimming, and for being a bad coach. But lately, I've started to see where he's coming from, and I just want to bitch at my fellow swimmers for being such dicks to him.

Not only do I see the injustice in their treatment towards him, I also see that my sister is a bitch. I can't stand her. She's a disgusting person, and tends to have little care for those around her. Now, knowing this about her, how does she have friends? How do people feel that she could fill a position of authority? Not exactly such a position, no ones offered her any authority, but people do tend to look up to her, and see her as a good person to know. I have no idea why. She's currently stomping around the house, bitching about how her piano teacher is "ruining her life". I'm not exaggerating.
I can't stand her.
But I do need her. So no matter how much I don't like her, I need to put up with her. She knows too much about me for me to lash out at her and risk secrets being spilled in every which direction.

I Love You Too

Four words that could quite possibly brighten either parent's day.
If I had the strength to say them out loud. I used to. I would tell them I love them all the time. But not anymore. I can't remember the last time I let the words slip out of my mouth.
Love.
An interesting word it is. Feared and respected by so many. Does anyone know what it really means? What love truly is? What it means to love somebody? I'm sure some poor fool out there has deluded himself into believing, whole heartedly, that he knows what love is. And, to be honest, I suppose that if someone truly believes they know what love is, then chances are they DO know what it is. I don't pretend for a second to count myself a fool.

I don't know how to explain, in a way for you to understand how much my heart hurts when I see my parents' faces fall. "I love you" they say, almost breathlessly, wondering, if maybe I'll break this time, if maybe this time I'll return their affections. I seldom do. Silence is all that acknowledges them. Nothing more. It shouldn't be so difficult for me to say such simple words. Linguistically, they are inferior to the majority of the English language. The words I, Love, and You, are simple words, with little meaning on their own. There is no magnificance in the grammar of the phrase. Nothing.

Then why do I have such trouble saying it out loud?

Define Stress

According to my psych class, I'm under way too much stress, and should be dying now. Well, not quite dying, but a lot less... comfortable. I suppose I am under stress, but I didn't think it was so bad as all that. Maybe I'm just used to it?
What real stress would a teenager actually be under? I mean, sure, there's highschool, and your workload, not to mention your job, and I suppose parents would add to the stress. Then there would be your extra-curriculars, like sports or whatever, and of course, all the teenage drama that is associated with teenage life.

I guess when you list it like that, it does add up to a considerable sum. Even still, is my stress level so high that I shouldn't be getting any sleep? Or that I should be falling asleep during my classes? I suppose I'm just rambling now, I don't really remember where I was going with this. Point is, I think I'm stressed, and I need to figure out how to minimize my stress level, if that's possible, before I break.

On a happier note, I got my cartilage pierced on saturday. That was kinda exciting.

Ughh, screw happiness. I know that somethings wrong with me. I started organizing my desk today. I never do that. Unless I've got something on my mind. Which I don't know if I did or not. I was just... I don't know how to explain it. I just know that something's bothering me. I need to figure out what it is now.

The Edible Woman

I think I've finally lost it.
Completely.
No more joking about my lack of sanity. I mean, just look back and read the post I wrote about being in love with my ex. I don't know what I was thinking.
Wait, yes I do. It's written down, on this blog. Word for word the thoughts that were running through my head as my fingers struck the keyboard. I think what it is, is that I'm in love with the idea of someone just being with me, and upon remembering the completely innocent, beautiful thing we had had; I must've fallen in love with what I remembered of our relationship.

I Will Not Bow, I Will Not Break

Something I forgot to write a while ago, or maybe just couldn't write, is a conversation I had with my mom. I forget what the situation was, why we were mad at each other, but I couldn't stand her. I didn't want to be near her. My dad begged me to go out for lunch with her. I said no. His voice cracked, through the phone, and I heard the tears choking him. I broke. I agreed to go to lunch with her, and called her to pick me up from school. As we were on our way to Timmies, she looked at me, and tried to start lecturing me. I told her I didn't want to hear it. I wouldn't let her talk, and instead blasted angry music through my headphones. When we got there, and ordered, and were seated across from each other, she started talking again. It somehow lead to her mentioning being in an abortion centre once. I was so mad at her, it didn't click for me that she was there for herself. Suddenly, her eyes were red, and she was shaking. Staring off into a time I couldn't see, she was no longer with me. "Mom?"
Nothing.
I held her, hugged her, let her cry. When she was done, she shakily explained to me, I was supposed to have another sibling. After I was born, they had my sister, and she had a heart condition. According to my mom, she couldn't risk that again, so the third time she got pregnant, she decided that the only option was to abort it.
This still haunts her, to this day, and I don't know why I needed to write it here, now, a month or so later. I never knew this about my mom, it never occured to me that she may have been through hardships in her lifetime.

Cause All I Do Is Think Of You

I almost started crying today.
On my walk home.
I had seen him in the hallway, at school. And the first time, he didn't notice me, and I had to see him give some girl a hug as I walked by. The second time he waved at me. A half-hearted wave.
That's all I get after pouring my heart out to him, and letting him force me into cybering again with him. After making the first move, telling him I liked him and sometimes wish we were dating, I figured he'd make the next move. After we started talking for a couple days, he disappeared off the Internet. I still saw him at school, but that was it, and even then it was just a glance in passing. No more online chats. I figured he was busy. But there was action on his facebook, so that didn't make sense.
When I saw him today, and he waved, I thought, finally. But no. Nothing.
Then when I was walking home, right after I saw him, my phone rang. First thought that came to my mind "It's him." No, of course it's not. Just my dad. Offering me a ride home.

I hate that I'm writing this here. Here where I try my hardest to have semi deep thoughts. Things with real substance. Instead I'm bitching about my stupid crush and how he's not into me.

But it's more then that. He's not just a stupid crush. I think I might actually be in love with him. I dated him long ago, all the way back in elementary school. When we were both little and innocent, and our idea of a good time was sitting outside, me in his arms, reading a book together.
I was a faster reader then him, and he would purposely only skim the whole page each time just so he could keep up with me and not make me wait for him. He was that considerate. And we used to pass notes to each other. Every night, we'd write to each other, a love letter of sorts, and the next day we would trade. I'd give him his, and he'd my mine. But then he dumped me, on the last day of school. Telling me that my parents were too strict and he couldn't handle it. And I was hurt. And I cried. And the next day he was dating someone else. At that time, I didn't know about my need to "empty my head" by writing things down, so I unleashed all my hurt at him in e-mails. Lots of them. And I'd press send each time. Then I tore up every single letter he'd ever written to me. My train of thought at that time being "Why keep a bunch of lies?". I tried to break the necklace he bought me. But I couldn't bring myself to do it, or throw it out even. So I gave it to my best friend of the time, and asked her to keep it. I've lost touch with that friend, so I'm never going to get that necklace back. She probably threw it out the minute she got home anyways, it wasn't a particularly special necklace. But it meant a lot to me.

When me and him started talking again, after I made my confession about liking him and wanting to date him, we started talking about "The good old times". He told me that he still had all the notes I'd written to him. Every single one of them. And that made me cry too.

I'm so tired of her self-loathing bullshit.

Textbook Philosophy

Trading blood for ink,
Into torture I will sink...
Beneath the machine again.

I found this in my textbook, a messy scrawl, far more intersting than the passage beneath it about Involuntary Childlessness.
For a moment, I felt like someone in the world, someone who went to my school, was a real person.
A real person who would probably understand how I feel.

Attempted vs. Completed

I think I want to add myself to the statistics relating to "attempted suicide". I really do want to commit. But I don't think it's because I want to die. I don't think I'm ready to die just yet, not that I would complain if my attempt actually went through and became completed. I just want to fix everything. I feel like, if they see what all their fighting, and stupidity is doing, or has almost done, they might try to make everything better.
Maybe if I tried to kill myself, they'd notice me more. Care about me more. Maybe she would realize that her strict, overprotective rules are the reason we favour him. And she might figure out that parenting isn't all about yelling at your kids, but about loving them too. Maybe she'll suddenly see that she might've lost me permanently, and that might make her appreciate everything more. Or maybe it will actually work and I might actually die, and then maybe everything will just be easier for everyone.

He wants to take us to a family psychologist. As he puts it, "Our family is sick, we need help." I don't want to talk to a psychologist again. Not after last time. Last time was horrible. Going again will just remind everyone about what happened then. I don't know if that's the only reason I don't want to go though. Maybe I'm just afraid that the shrink will talk to me and figure out that I am the problem, that it's my fault our family is in pieces. Or if it isn't that, maybe he'll just see that theres something wrong with me period. That I may not be entirely to blame for the family situation, but that I am sick nonetheless, and that I need to be locked up in an asylum.
In the looney bin.
The crazy ward.

Lonely in A Crowded Room

I stole the title from someone else's blog, but I just related to it alot, and wanted to remember it.

I'm kind of frustrated with myself right now. I'm such a fake person. Looking at all my "writing", I see that I've hardly ever written anything deep, or serious. I've stopped writing meaningful things, or poetry, or anything. It's all become recounts of the things I do. I don't mind the recounts, I like reading over them later; it makes me feel like my life is almost interesting.(Speaking of writing my recounts, I need to write about friday night, but I'm not in the mood to think about it right at this moment.) But this doesn't mean I should completely stop writing about things that matter.
Is my life, or the life around me, solely based on partying and going out?

Just Another Day In The Life Of

I really need to stop putting myself into these situations. It's gonna get me somewhere I most likely shouldn't go.
Though I know this, I can't seem to avoid doing stupid, careless things, like getting into a stranger's car and having a smoke with him.

I was dropped off at driving school the other day, but class was cancelled so I had to wait an hour for my dad to come back from the airport to pick me up (he was picking up my mom who had gone away on a business trip). As I was waiting, I decided to have a smoke. Just as I finished, this guy in a silver car drove by and asked me if I had a smoke. Feeling generous, I gave him one, and asked if he'd like to sit with me. He laughed and offered for me to get in the car instead, and that we could sit in there in the parking lot. Stupidly, I did. He laughed at me, and told me it was stupid to get into a stranger's car, but assured me that he wasn't a "crazy". We sat around, talking and such, then he offered me weed etc etc. As I was leaving, he asked for my number, and, thinking that I would only ever call him if I wanted weed, I gave him mine and got his. During our time in the car, talking, he asked about my sexual experiences and what I'd done. I had seen no harm in sharing, so I did.

Later that night, he called, to talk, and started implying how he'd like to see me some time, to fool around, and, more specifically, to have sex. I am not interested. I really want to tell him no, to tell him to stop, but I've already started flirting with him, and acting like my retarded, slutty self. It doesn't matter though. I'm going to turn him down, or just continue telling him I can't that night, or something. I just don't know how I get myself into these situations, or why.

On another note, I've started looking into universities a bit more. I went to see McMaster U a couple weeks ago (unfortunately, we kinda screwed that up and didn't register properly so I had to call up one of my friends that goes to the school and asked him to give us a tour of the place), and today I went to see U of Guelph. Out of the two so far, I like McMaster better.. it's prettier :P.

I Feel So Untouched

Oh my goshh.
Weirdest fucking dream, ever.

No, that's a lie.. I've had weirder, but this one was ridiculously vivid, and I actually remember almost all of it.

So basically, in my dream, my best friend decided to marry my cousin, and they were all in love and happy (that in itself is fucking trippy.. my best friend is a skinny little seventeen year old ginger kid, and my cousin is a twenty something fat, hairy Persian guy, but aside from the appearance thing, their personalities are polar opposites as well. Safe to say, it was a scary thought). Anyways, they decided to wed, and it was a huge wedding ceremony, with loads of people, and big fancy dresses being sold in the main foyer (don't ask.. I didn't understand any of it either). My best friend's dress got ruined before the ceremony, so we were looking around the vendors trying to find her something for the wedding. We found the perfect dress, but the guy selling it was this sketchy mobster. I don't actually remember what happened directly after that, but I do remember ending up outside of the wedding place, holding a Starbucks latte. Suddenly there are these guys with guns, and I start crying, and they take my latte and I'm threatened, and I can't get into the wedding, and I start bitching at the head gunman and he sees that the wedding is all about love, and lets his wedding guest hostages free to go back to the wedding, and makes out with me outside of the building.

The End.


Bahahahahaha, that was alot funnier then I thought it was, I had just remembered it to be really creepy and weird. Actually, I think it ended with my best friend and my cousin driving off into the sunset.. or breaking up. But I can't remember, I was to engrossed in my make out session with sexy gunman :).

By the way, the title of this post has NOTHING to do with this dream.. it's just a song I'm currently addicted to. You should look it up.

Untouched
By: The Veronicas

Hate Me Today

Hate me tomorrow.
Hate me for all the things, I never did, to you.

Is it just me, or can almost anyone really relate to that song? Not only do I feel like everyone hates me, I also feel like I almost don't deserve it.
Yeah, I know I'm not the greatest person in the world, I know I'm not the nicest, or the kindest, or the most generous. That doesn't make me mean, or bitter, or a bad person. I mean, I'm not mean to people, I can be caring, I can be loving. So sometimes I'm not very good at showing it, or letting people know.

Despite how I say I feel, I know it's not everyone that hates me. Just a select few.
I hope.

I'm really hurting right now, I don't like it.

And to make matters worse, theres a slight possibility I might be pregnant, but I don't want to think about it, not yet anyways, because I'm probably not. I have to stop thinking I'm pregnant after each time I have sex. Jeez.

I Can't Escape This Hell

Uhm, I felt it was necessary to start a new post to share the rest of my news. It didn't really fit in with my hurt, broken speech thingy.

I finally told my best friend that I smoke, and she was totally ok with it. No spazzing whatsoever. This made me very happy. Also, the new guy that offered/suggested sleeping around is no more.. I think I've decided I'm not interested in fucking around with the "popular/jackass" type. Besides, I think he's all talk.

What else??
Oh, yeah, I partook in a threesome. With my best friend, and her boyfriend. At 4:00 a.m, in her bed. He was incredible, I think that's the best I will ever be fucked. However, there is chance that I may become pregnant from it.. they don't use protection.. and we didn't seem to think it was necessary that night either. Yes, I know.. stupid. I think I enjoyed the afterwards almost more. Well, not the direct afterwards. Haha, yeah, at about 5:30 a.m, I went out for a smoke, and let them have a little bit of couple time. So I went outside in nothing but my friends' sweater. Let me tell you, it's fucking cold in Canada. So that was also stupid. But yeah, I came back in, and they were done, and she was falling asleep. No one felt the need to put their clothes back on, so we were all lying naked in the bed. Me and him couldn't sleep, so we turned on the T.V, and he cuddled up close behind me, with his arm under my head, and the other arm draped over my stomach. It was pleasant, and it didn't feel lovey or anything.. just, comfortable.

It Feels Like My Heart Is Breaking

Again.

I can't believe I'm going through the exact same thing again. I can't believe I'm being accused of the fucking EXACT SAME THING.
Does that mean there is truth behind what they say? Do I really not try? Do I really not care? What's wrong with me? Why do I seem incapable of loving? Why am I so hardened?
And if I am hardened, why do I hurt so much right now?

Why are tears rolling down my cheeks if I can't feel?
Why do I know that I'm hurting when I'm accused of being emotionless?

I wish I didn't feel. I wish I didn't know how to cry, or how to love. Because I do, I do love. Maybe I just love the wrong people, or the right people for the wrong reasons. I don't know. I do know that I seem to be asking for someone to care about me, for a while now, and that each time I think that my prayers have been answered, I seem to be severely mistaken. I do know that I'd much rather just have someone hold me, and be with me instead of having sex, or drinknig or smoking or whatever.
I just want someone to understand me, to accept me, and to love me, as me.

But that probably doesn't exist. Not for me anyways. That sort of beautiful thing is for everyone else.
Everyone but me.

Sex, Drugs and Rock & Roll

Wow, I suck at not writing in this thing. Haha, it seems I couldn't last for more than a couple months. Granted, I have some very epic news, so I guess that's why I broke my oath to stop writing. Besides, it wasn't so much an oath as it was a... promise?

Anywho, the reason I broke my "oath", I'm no longer a virgin. I lost it yesterday, at school, in the girl's bathroom, to a guy I don't really know. Yeah, "slut", "whore" etc. Thanks, I've already been berated by this one guy I for some reason tend to trust with almost everything. It was pretty bad, I thought I would ease into the topic jokingly, and it was going pretty well, until I told him what happened. He went all out on me. Bitching at me, telling me how much his respect for me just diminished, and how he thought I was full of bullshit. I wanted to cry. It's not like I don't realize I did something wrong, but that's not the point. I mean, it's not like it's the end of the world because I had sex. Right? Later that night, I went out with my friend, the one I stayed with when I ran away. We went to this HIV fundraiser dinner thing, but left early for this concert we wanted to go to at this go-carting place. It was pretty awesome, I love her friends, despite the fact that they're about 6 years older then me. They all seem to be pretty ok with me. As a matter of fact, I'm practically positive one of them was hitting on me. Unfortunately, I had to leave early, before her friends' band got a chance to perform. Kinda sucked, but it's alright, cause I still had a blast.

Uhmmm, what else??

Right, I'm going on a date in an hour, with a guy I met at another concert. He kinda saved my life, and then we made out, so we exchanged numbers and have been talking for about a month. He's really sweet, but also really.. accommodating. I guess that's not a bad thing, it's just, he always agrees with me. It bugs me cause I feel like he's just being fake to impress me.
Lastly, I think, is that I've started smoking. My reason is "I spent all of last year hanging out with smokers, so it's kinda rubbed off on me, and I've been craving it lately because of that." Thing is, I'm not really telling anyone, other then the people I ask for smokes.

Ooh, also (so I was wrong, that wasn't the last thing), I've had my wisdom teeth pulled out. I wanted to get my tongue pierced while my mouth was still numb from the surgery, but my dad just glared at me when I suggested it. ANDD, I've decided I want to get a tattoo. Or more then one. But I know what I want. I'm thinking a dandelion, with the seeds blowing away, on my wrist. A dove on my shoulder, and/or a cherry tree up the side of my ribs.

This time, I promise, it's the last thing. In my psychology class, a couple days ago, we had to write a paper, "Who Am I?". I'm telling you this because I just realized, or have always known and just rerealized, that it's not just me who doesn't know who I am. The guy who was yelling at me about my, mistake, also started yelling at me about my smoking. He said that I was pretending to be something I'm not. So I asked him who he thought I was, because, clearly, I had no idea. He just brushed it off with a "I dunno, that's you're problem". I don't know if that means he doesn't know who I am or if he just doesn't care. In relation to my smoking thing, I've gotten really bad about it. I couldn't find someone with a smoke the other day, so I went to the forest with just my lighter and started looking around on the ground for someone's leftover butt. I found one that was in decent condition and I got a couple drags out of it, but just the fact that I was scrounging around in the dirt for a smoke is really pathetic. I'm pretty disgusted by myself. It's alright though, I'm determined to buy a pack of smokes soon. I just need to find the courage to ask around at the gas station for someone to buy them for me. Or wait for my other friend to bring her ID to school one day so she can buy me some.