There Was A Love Affair In This Building

I love pretending I'm having a conversation (on msn) with someone, and then sending a random line to someone else, just so they can see that I'm really busy/popular. I don't know why though, last I checked I didn't really care what people thought 'bout me. I guess I also do it because then it usually starts a new conversation with the "accidental" person.

Bawk Bawk Boom

I don't care how creepy this sounds, but I absolutely adore it when he calls me "little".
It makes me feel skinny, and pretty, and in need of his "big, strong protective arms".

Remind me why we care about being treated equally?? I think all women really just want to be taken care of and protected.

Sex With Snowmen Leads To Hard Nipples

So basically, I want to give out free hugs. After riding the subway without pants on.
Sounds exciting, right??
SOFA KING EXCITED.

Bahahahha, that's an inside joke between me and my gingie. But I guess I'm kinda lame for writing it here, where no one else will get it. Meh, I'll have a good laugh.

Back to the free hugs thing, you need to watch this.
http://youtube.com/watch?v=vr3x_RRJdd4

Yeah, I don't care so much about the campaign. Yes, it was touching, and I'm glad he won. But what really touched me was the idea of giving hugs to strangers in an attempt to brighten up their day. I currently do the same thing with smiles, most of the time. When I see someone while I'm walking, I usually flash a huge smile in their direction. Unless it's one of those people who look like they're afraid of teenagers. When I see those people, I try to look as tough and "Don't-Fucking-Mess-With-Me"ish as possible. It's really funny staring them down and watching them downcast their eyes so as to avoid eye-contact. Oh my gosh, it's priceless :P. Always makes my day.

As to the pantless subway ride, that's this thing some Improv group does annually. What it is is basically a ton of people get together and get on the subway, not all together, but a couple in each car. They still have their pants on. Once they're on the bus, and it starts moving, they casually, randomly, take off their pants and put the discarded pants into a backpack or purse they just so happen to be carrying. Upon being asked why they aren't wearing pants, they're supposed to keep a natural expression and say something along the lines of "I'm not?? I hadn't noticed." or "I didn't really feel like putting pants on today.".They're not allowed to talk to the other pantless people either, or else it looks like it's being staged.
Do you have any idea how much fun this is going to be??

And Now I've Lost My Means

I hate the things I'm supposed to call "Parents". Those detestable beings that sneak up on you in the middle of the night and search through your stuff while you're unconscious.
Then, the sneaky little bastards have the audacity to bust you for it by asking you a simple question, the next day, something like "Do you need cash? Or do you have?" To which I reply "Nope, I have none." Why? Because I need to buy another pack, and I had concocted the perfect way to get money for it without raising any suspicions on the parents behalf. Only thing I forgot to take into account was that my parents are DICKS.
Because my parents checked my wallet to see if I had money on me, and because I didn't know they had, and lied about having money, I'm now "grounded". I put grounded in quotations because, with my parents, going out is a fucking hassle to begin with. It's next to impossible to convince them that I'm not doing anything wrong (which I usually am). Now, I'm grounded, and they're apparently going totake away my debit card, which is a bitch move 'cause that money is actually mine, the money I make from work and they have no right to take it from me. Fuck, why couldn't I be blessed with white parents?
Or better yet, why couldn't I just come to be, without any parents. And just magically, survive, and grow and live happily ever after.

On the bright side, I've met the sweetest guy ever. I absolutely love talking to him and I hope we can grow to be great friends.

A couple posts ago, I mentioned the paintball party, and how the referee started to hit on me. Well, I gave him my number, he later found me on facebook, and now we talk. I have to admit, at first I thought he was going to be a really stupid person. This sounds horrible, and self-absorbed, but I did. He's got the look of a hardcore stoner, and he wears "gangster" clothes (i.e., baggy jeans, huge sweater, the baseball cap thingy with the sticker on it etc.). He started telling me about his life, how it's pretty fucked up, but he's starting to change it- turn it around now. I was not expecting him to tell me too much about it, but he did. He opened up like a book and just.. sang. He's been through some tough times, and I think he's alot stronger for it. But that's not the point. Point is, he's a real person. He thinks, and, it's hard to explain. I sound like a horrible person right now, and I hate myself for it, but it doesn't sound half as bad in my head.

Oh, and by the way, I lied earlier in this post. The fuckers didn't go through my stuff while I was sleeping. This is because I hardly sleep anymore, having been going to bed at around 4am each night lately. No, rather, they wait till I'm at swim practice to go through my stuff. The only reason I lied about this in the post was because it didn't go with the story mode I was writing about them in. It wouldn't have sounded have as dramatic if I said "Those detestable beings that sift through your things while you're swimming laps".

How Do You Spell Hate?

P-A-R-E-N-T-S.

Adorable, Cute.. Same Thing

Warning- Explicit Content :)

So I met another online friend. And I didn't think it was going to lead to anything, but he was fun to talk to. We started talking about more sexual things (as always is the case when I talk to new guys.. it just happens) and he started saying how he's so selfless, and would rather make someone else smile then receive personal gain. This was sexual because it was in relation to getting head vs. being eaten out. He was saying he'd love to go down on a girl even if she didn't want to blow him afterwards.

Anyways, I have to be quick, I'm exhausted.. it's already 4 am. So yeah, I mentioned my nude pictures, he was interested and sounded really excited, so I sent them, and for the first time in a long time, I felt pretty. He was so enthusiastic about how lucky he was to be getting the pictures, and how the world deserved to see them, but not the whole world, just him. Yeah, I know.. horny guy says things to make him continue to receive this type of thing, but even still, even knowing that, the things he said just made me feel... pretty. Theres no other word for it. I just felt really good about my body for the first time. It wasn't even that he was being sweet and cute about it. The things he said felt raw and honest. "You're tits are fantastic", "You're body is sexy, you are gorgeous" etc. I don't know how else to say this.
I. Felt. Good.

Dear Diary, Sorry To Bother You Again

But I feel lonely, and it's like no one notices, or cares.

Oh my goodness. Read that line, that first line, once more. Was it not just a little while ago I had posted "I am so tired of her self-loathing bullshit"? Can you spell HYPOCRITE? I irk myself sometimes, I can be so ridiculous. I don't know if it's really self loathing right now, but whatever it is, I'm depressed. I also have a SHITLOAD of work to do, and that's part of why I'm writing right now: I don't feel like doing work, I'd much rather waste time here. Not that I haven't already wasted time all day, getting next to no work done. Jeez I can be stupid.

Despite my rant, I actually do feel really lonely. Remember a while ago, I mentioned something about a guy, a close guy friend, who was into me, but who I wasn't into in return? The one I went to prom with. Yeah, him. Well, me and him have (*had) been friends for a little while. We'd talk all the time, and tell each other things (well, I wouldn't tell him things about the guys in my life... I felt like that would be mean seeing as he had a crush on me and I kinda turned him down). One of the things we tended to talk about was my lack of self confidence. He'd say how I should change how I feel about myself, be more confident etc. Thing is, I like being bitchy to myself. Calling myself a loser, or fat or whatever else I say to myself. Why? Because it's safe, it's something I'm used to and something that I can depend on. It's like my reassurance "No, don't worry, you're still a loser, you're still huge etc." So yeah, I was used to this and didn't like that he was trying to change this about me. So when we would talk about it, I would agree with him just to shut him up. I told him this one time, and he got really "hurt" as he put it. Why this hurt him, I do not know. Something about me not caring about what he has to say and him wasting his time. After I "hurt" him, he distanced himself from me, and pretty much stopped being my friend. I confronted him about this today, and found all of this out. I honestly started crying while we were talking about all of this. I don't quite remember when I started crying, I think it was around when he said he "didn't know how to be my friend anymore".

I don't know whats going to happen with us now, his computer died halfway through our conversation and he didn't come back online, so I suppose we'll continue the conversation another time.

Other then that, the weekend was a bit of a bore.. some fun on friday, I went paintballing for the first time ever. Lots of fun there, and lots of cute guys too :P (I was the only girl there). The referee started hitting on me, offered me some weed and we chatted a bit. Unfortunately, I had to leave before he got his break, so no weed. But it was still cool, cause I had gone for a friend's birthday, and a couple of us had to bus back to his place. On the subway we bought Cinnabuns (which are ORGASMIC) and accidentally took the wrong bus. Finally got to his place, where he snuck us a couple beers, and we grilled some hamburgers and chicken. I got really tipsy/hyper and started yelling and being very loud. Everyone was feeling really energetic so we ran out to the park at around 10 pm and started acting like crazy people (i.e., lots of screaming and laughing). Missed another party on saturday because my mom wanted me to go to her works' Christmas party (which was RIDICULOUSLY boring).
Lastly, my best friend seems to be depressed. She addressed me in her blog, knowing I read it almost regularly, and told me not to bother calling. I don't know what's going on with her, and I don't know how to help her. Part of me thinks she's making all of it up to have some extra "excitement" in her life, but the other part of me insists she's being sincere. I suppose I'll talk to her on monday, I just don't know what I'm expected to say.

I lied, theres one more thing, then I'll go start my homework. I'm in grade 12. This means that university is a big stress right now, meaning I have to be really careful about my studies and work hard for good marks. Unfortunatley, I suck at working hard, and love to procrastinate. This is a bit of a problem. I sent my OUAC application in about a week ago, and I've been freaking out ever since that I won't get accepted by any of the seven schools I'm applying for. Og my gosh, I'm so nervous. It's.. ACH.

Notes Found On Loose Papers

Watching the goldfish swim around in their fishbowl,
constantly running into the glass walls surrounding them.
I feel their pain as I too have stumbled into invisible
boundaries countless times before.
Looking for an escape. I think to myself, I'm not much better off.
At least the two fish have each other.
I sometimes feel like I have no one at all.



"Some birds aren't meant to be caged.
Their feathers are just too bright."

I Don't Quite Know How To Say How I Feel

I'm tired of yelling at people. More specifically, I'm tired of hearing people yell at each other. I'm dealing with a shitload of stress right now because my swim coach doesn't like my attitude, nor does he like the rest of the team. Because I'm the loudest, and most assertive swimmer in my group, he tends to blame me for the rebellion he sees in the swimmers. I used to yell at him for giving us shit fro our swimming, and for being a bad coach. But lately, I've started to see where he's coming from, and I just want to bitch at my fellow swimmers for being such dicks to him.

Not only do I see the injustice in their treatment towards him, I also see that my sister is a bitch. I can't stand her. She's a disgusting person, and tends to have little care for those around her. Now, knowing this about her, how does she have friends? How do people feel that she could fill a position of authority? Not exactly such a position, no ones offered her any authority, but people do tend to look up to her, and see her as a good person to know. I have no idea why. She's currently stomping around the house, bitching about how her piano teacher is "ruining her life". I'm not exaggerating.
I can't stand her.
But I do need her. So no matter how much I don't like her, I need to put up with her. She knows too much about me for me to lash out at her and risk secrets being spilled in every which direction.

I Love You Too

Four words that could quite possibly brighten either parent's day.
If I had the strength to say them out loud. I used to. I would tell them I love them all the time. But not anymore. I can't remember the last time I let the words slip out of my mouth.
Love.
An interesting word it is. Feared and respected by so many. Does anyone know what it really means? What love truly is? What it means to love somebody? I'm sure some poor fool out there has deluded himself into believing, whole heartedly, that he knows what love is. And, to be honest, I suppose that if someone truly believes they know what love is, then chances are they DO know what it is. I don't pretend for a second to count myself a fool.

I don't know how to explain, in a way for you to understand how much my heart hurts when I see my parents' faces fall. "I love you" they say, almost breathlessly, wondering, if maybe I'll break this time, if maybe this time I'll return their affections. I seldom do. Silence is all that acknowledges them. Nothing more. It shouldn't be so difficult for me to say such simple words. Linguistically, they are inferior to the majority of the English language. The words I, Love, and You, are simple words, with little meaning on their own. There is no magnificance in the grammar of the phrase. Nothing.

Then why do I have such trouble saying it out loud?

Define Stress

According to my psych class, I'm under way too much stress, and should be dying now. Well, not quite dying, but a lot less... comfortable. I suppose I am under stress, but I didn't think it was so bad as all that. Maybe I'm just used to it?
What real stress would a teenager actually be under? I mean, sure, there's highschool, and your workload, not to mention your job, and I suppose parents would add to the stress. Then there would be your extra-curriculars, like sports or whatever, and of course, all the teenage drama that is associated with teenage life.

I guess when you list it like that, it does add up to a considerable sum. Even still, is my stress level so high that I shouldn't be getting any sleep? Or that I should be falling asleep during my classes? I suppose I'm just rambling now, I don't really remember where I was going with this. Point is, I think I'm stressed, and I need to figure out how to minimize my stress level, if that's possible, before I break.

On a happier note, I got my cartilage pierced on saturday. That was kinda exciting.

Ughh, screw happiness. I know that somethings wrong with me. I started organizing my desk today. I never do that. Unless I've got something on my mind. Which I don't know if I did or not. I was just... I don't know how to explain it. I just know that something's bothering me. I need to figure out what it is now.

The Edible Woman

I think I've finally lost it.
Completely.
No more joking about my lack of sanity. I mean, just look back and read the post I wrote about being in love with my ex. I don't know what I was thinking.
Wait, yes I do. It's written down, on this blog. Word for word the thoughts that were running through my head as my fingers struck the keyboard. I think what it is, is that I'm in love with the idea of someone just being with me, and upon remembering the completely innocent, beautiful thing we had had; I must've fallen in love with what I remembered of our relationship.

I Will Not Bow, I Will Not Break

Something I forgot to write a while ago, or maybe just couldn't write, is a conversation I had with my mom. I forget what the situation was, why we were mad at each other, but I couldn't stand her. I didn't want to be near her. My dad begged me to go out for lunch with her. I said no. His voice cracked, through the phone, and I heard the tears choking him. I broke. I agreed to go to lunch with her, and called her to pick me up from school. As we were on our way to Timmies, she looked at me, and tried to start lecturing me. I told her I didn't want to hear it. I wouldn't let her talk, and instead blasted angry music through my headphones. When we got there, and ordered, and were seated across from each other, she started talking again. It somehow lead to her mentioning being in an abortion centre once. I was so mad at her, it didn't click for me that she was there for herself. Suddenly, her eyes were red, and she was shaking. Staring off into a time I couldn't see, she was no longer with me. "Mom?"
Nothing.
I held her, hugged her, let her cry. When she was done, she shakily explained to me, I was supposed to have another sibling. After I was born, they had my sister, and she had a heart condition. According to my mom, she couldn't risk that again, so the third time she got pregnant, she decided that the only option was to abort it.
This still haunts her, to this day, and I don't know why I needed to write it here, now, a month or so later. I never knew this about my mom, it never occured to me that she may have been through hardships in her lifetime.

Cause All I Do Is Think Of You

I almost started crying today.
On my walk home.
I had seen him in the hallway, at school. And the first time, he didn't notice me, and I had to see him give some girl a hug as I walked by. The second time he waved at me. A half-hearted wave.
That's all I get after pouring my heart out to him, and letting him force me into cybering again with him. After making the first move, telling him I liked him and sometimes wish we were dating, I figured he'd make the next move. After we started talking for a couple days, he disappeared off the Internet. I still saw him at school, but that was it, and even then it was just a glance in passing. No more online chats. I figured he was busy. But there was action on his facebook, so that didn't make sense.
When I saw him today, and he waved, I thought, finally. But no. Nothing.
Then when I was walking home, right after I saw him, my phone rang. First thought that came to my mind "It's him." No, of course it's not. Just my dad. Offering me a ride home.

I hate that I'm writing this here. Here where I try my hardest to have semi deep thoughts. Things with real substance. Instead I'm bitching about my stupid crush and how he's not into me.

But it's more then that. He's not just a stupid crush. I think I might actually be in love with him. I dated him long ago, all the way back in elementary school. When we were both little and innocent, and our idea of a good time was sitting outside, me in his arms, reading a book together.
I was a faster reader then him, and he would purposely only skim the whole page each time just so he could keep up with me and not make me wait for him. He was that considerate. And we used to pass notes to each other. Every night, we'd write to each other, a love letter of sorts, and the next day we would trade. I'd give him his, and he'd my mine. But then he dumped me, on the last day of school. Telling me that my parents were too strict and he couldn't handle it. And I was hurt. And I cried. And the next day he was dating someone else. At that time, I didn't know about my need to "empty my head" by writing things down, so I unleashed all my hurt at him in e-mails. Lots of them. And I'd press send each time. Then I tore up every single letter he'd ever written to me. My train of thought at that time being "Why keep a bunch of lies?". I tried to break the necklace he bought me. But I couldn't bring myself to do it, or throw it out even. So I gave it to my best friend of the time, and asked her to keep it. I've lost touch with that friend, so I'm never going to get that necklace back. She probably threw it out the minute she got home anyways, it wasn't a particularly special necklace. But it meant a lot to me.

When me and him started talking again, after I made my confession about liking him and wanting to date him, we started talking about "The good old times". He told me that he still had all the notes I'd written to him. Every single one of them. And that made me cry too.

I'm so tired of her self-loathing bullshit.

Textbook Philosophy

Trading blood for ink,
Into torture I will sink...
Beneath the machine again.

I found this in my textbook, a messy scrawl, far more intersting than the passage beneath it about Involuntary Childlessness.
For a moment, I felt like someone in the world, someone who went to my school, was a real person.
A real person who would probably understand how I feel.

Attempted vs. Completed

I think I want to add myself to the statistics relating to "attempted suicide". I really do want to commit. But I don't think it's because I want to die. I don't think I'm ready to die just yet, not that I would complain if my attempt actually went through and became completed. I just want to fix everything. I feel like, if they see what all their fighting, and stupidity is doing, or has almost done, they might try to make everything better.
Maybe if I tried to kill myself, they'd notice me more. Care about me more. Maybe she would realize that her strict, overprotective rules are the reason we favour him. And she might figure out that parenting isn't all about yelling at your kids, but about loving them too. Maybe she'll suddenly see that she might've lost me permanently, and that might make her appreciate everything more. Or maybe it will actually work and I might actually die, and then maybe everything will just be easier for everyone.

He wants to take us to a family psychologist. As he puts it, "Our family is sick, we need help." I don't want to talk to a psychologist again. Not after last time. Last time was horrible. Going again will just remind everyone about what happened then. I don't know if that's the only reason I don't want to go though. Maybe I'm just afraid that the shrink will talk to me and figure out that I am the problem, that it's my fault our family is in pieces. Or if it isn't that, maybe he'll just see that theres something wrong with me period. That I may not be entirely to blame for the family situation, but that I am sick nonetheless, and that I need to be locked up in an asylum.
In the looney bin.
The crazy ward.

Lonely in A Crowded Room

I stole the title from someone else's blog, but I just related to it alot, and wanted to remember it.

I'm kind of frustrated with myself right now. I'm such a fake person. Looking at all my "writing", I see that I've hardly ever written anything deep, or serious. I've stopped writing meaningful things, or poetry, or anything. It's all become recounts of the things I do. I don't mind the recounts, I like reading over them later; it makes me feel like my life is almost interesting.(Speaking of writing my recounts, I need to write about friday night, but I'm not in the mood to think about it right at this moment.) But this doesn't mean I should completely stop writing about things that matter.
Is my life, or the life around me, solely based on partying and going out?

Just Another Day In The Life Of

I really need to stop putting myself into these situations. It's gonna get me somewhere I most likely shouldn't go.
Though I know this, I can't seem to avoid doing stupid, careless things, like getting into a stranger's car and having a smoke with him.

I was dropped off at driving school the other day, but class was cancelled so I had to wait an hour for my dad to come back from the airport to pick me up (he was picking up my mom who had gone away on a business trip). As I was waiting, I decided to have a smoke. Just as I finished, this guy in a silver car drove by and asked me if I had a smoke. Feeling generous, I gave him one, and asked if he'd like to sit with me. He laughed and offered for me to get in the car instead, and that we could sit in there in the parking lot. Stupidly, I did. He laughed at me, and told me it was stupid to get into a stranger's car, but assured me that he wasn't a "crazy". We sat around, talking and such, then he offered me weed etc etc. As I was leaving, he asked for my number, and, thinking that I would only ever call him if I wanted weed, I gave him mine and got his. During our time in the car, talking, he asked about my sexual experiences and what I'd done. I had seen no harm in sharing, so I did.

Later that night, he called, to talk, and started implying how he'd like to see me some time, to fool around, and, more specifically, to have sex. I am not interested. I really want to tell him no, to tell him to stop, but I've already started flirting with him, and acting like my retarded, slutty self. It doesn't matter though. I'm going to turn him down, or just continue telling him I can't that night, or something. I just don't know how I get myself into these situations, or why.

On another note, I've started looking into universities a bit more. I went to see McMaster U a couple weeks ago (unfortunately, we kinda screwed that up and didn't register properly so I had to call up one of my friends that goes to the school and asked him to give us a tour of the place), and today I went to see U of Guelph. Out of the two so far, I like McMaster better.. it's prettier :P.

I Feel So Untouched

Oh my goshh.
Weirdest fucking dream, ever.

No, that's a lie.. I've had weirder, but this one was ridiculously vivid, and I actually remember almost all of it.

So basically, in my dream, my best friend decided to marry my cousin, and they were all in love and happy (that in itself is fucking trippy.. my best friend is a skinny little seventeen year old ginger kid, and my cousin is a twenty something fat, hairy Persian guy, but aside from the appearance thing, their personalities are polar opposites as well. Safe to say, it was a scary thought). Anyways, they decided to wed, and it was a huge wedding ceremony, with loads of people, and big fancy dresses being sold in the main foyer (don't ask.. I didn't understand any of it either). My best friend's dress got ruined before the ceremony, so we were looking around the vendors trying to find her something for the wedding. We found the perfect dress, but the guy selling it was this sketchy mobster. I don't actually remember what happened directly after that, but I do remember ending up outside of the wedding place, holding a Starbucks latte. Suddenly there are these guys with guns, and I start crying, and they take my latte and I'm threatened, and I can't get into the wedding, and I start bitching at the head gunman and he sees that the wedding is all about love, and lets his wedding guest hostages free to go back to the wedding, and makes out with me outside of the building.

The End.


Bahahahahaha, that was alot funnier then I thought it was, I had just remembered it to be really creepy and weird. Actually, I think it ended with my best friend and my cousin driving off into the sunset.. or breaking up. But I can't remember, I was to engrossed in my make out session with sexy gunman :).

By the way, the title of this post has NOTHING to do with this dream.. it's just a song I'm currently addicted to. You should look it up.

Untouched
By: The Veronicas

Hate Me Today

Hate me tomorrow.
Hate me for all the things, I never did, to you.

Is it just me, or can almost anyone really relate to that song? Not only do I feel like everyone hates me, I also feel like I almost don't deserve it.
Yeah, I know I'm not the greatest person in the world, I know I'm not the nicest, or the kindest, or the most generous. That doesn't make me mean, or bitter, or a bad person. I mean, I'm not mean to people, I can be caring, I can be loving. So sometimes I'm not very good at showing it, or letting people know.

Despite how I say I feel, I know it's not everyone that hates me. Just a select few.
I hope.

I'm really hurting right now, I don't like it.

And to make matters worse, theres a slight possibility I might be pregnant, but I don't want to think about it, not yet anyways, because I'm probably not. I have to stop thinking I'm pregnant after each time I have sex. Jeez.

I Can't Escape This Hell

Uhm, I felt it was necessary to start a new post to share the rest of my news. It didn't really fit in with my hurt, broken speech thingy.

I finally told my best friend that I smoke, and she was totally ok with it. No spazzing whatsoever. This made me very happy. Also, the new guy that offered/suggested sleeping around is no more.. I think I've decided I'm not interested in fucking around with the "popular/jackass" type. Besides, I think he's all talk.

What else??
Oh, yeah, I partook in a threesome. With my best friend, and her boyfriend. At 4:00 a.m, in her bed. He was incredible, I think that's the best I will ever be fucked. However, there is chance that I may become pregnant from it.. they don't use protection.. and we didn't seem to think it was necessary that night either. Yes, I know.. stupid. I think I enjoyed the afterwards almost more. Well, not the direct afterwards. Haha, yeah, at about 5:30 a.m, I went out for a smoke, and let them have a little bit of couple time. So I went outside in nothing but my friends' sweater. Let me tell you, it's fucking cold in Canada. So that was also stupid. But yeah, I came back in, and they were done, and she was falling asleep. No one felt the need to put their clothes back on, so we were all lying naked in the bed. Me and him couldn't sleep, so we turned on the T.V, and he cuddled up close behind me, with his arm under my head, and the other arm draped over my stomach. It was pleasant, and it didn't feel lovey or anything.. just, comfortable.

It Feels Like My Heart Is Breaking

Again.

I can't believe I'm going through the exact same thing again. I can't believe I'm being accused of the fucking EXACT SAME THING.
Does that mean there is truth behind what they say? Do I really not try? Do I really not care? What's wrong with me? Why do I seem incapable of loving? Why am I so hardened?
And if I am hardened, why do I hurt so much right now?

Why are tears rolling down my cheeks if I can't feel?
Why do I know that I'm hurting when I'm accused of being emotionless?

I wish I didn't feel. I wish I didn't know how to cry, or how to love. Because I do, I do love. Maybe I just love the wrong people, or the right people for the wrong reasons. I don't know. I do know that I seem to be asking for someone to care about me, for a while now, and that each time I think that my prayers have been answered, I seem to be severely mistaken. I do know that I'd much rather just have someone hold me, and be with me instead of having sex, or drinknig or smoking or whatever.
I just want someone to understand me, to accept me, and to love me, as me.

But that probably doesn't exist. Not for me anyways. That sort of beautiful thing is for everyone else.
Everyone but me.

Sex, Drugs and Rock & Roll

Wow, I suck at not writing in this thing. Haha, it seems I couldn't last for more than a couple months. Granted, I have some very epic news, so I guess that's why I broke my oath to stop writing. Besides, it wasn't so much an oath as it was a... promise?

Anywho, the reason I broke my "oath", I'm no longer a virgin. I lost it yesterday, at school, in the girl's bathroom, to a guy I don't really know. Yeah, "slut", "whore" etc. Thanks, I've already been berated by this one guy I for some reason tend to trust with almost everything. It was pretty bad, I thought I would ease into the topic jokingly, and it was going pretty well, until I told him what happened. He went all out on me. Bitching at me, telling me how much his respect for me just diminished, and how he thought I was full of bullshit. I wanted to cry. It's not like I don't realize I did something wrong, but that's not the point. I mean, it's not like it's the end of the world because I had sex. Right? Later that night, I went out with my friend, the one I stayed with when I ran away. We went to this HIV fundraiser dinner thing, but left early for this concert we wanted to go to at this go-carting place. It was pretty awesome, I love her friends, despite the fact that they're about 6 years older then me. They all seem to be pretty ok with me. As a matter of fact, I'm practically positive one of them was hitting on me. Unfortunately, I had to leave early, before her friends' band got a chance to perform. Kinda sucked, but it's alright, cause I still had a blast.

Uhmmm, what else??

Right, I'm going on a date in an hour, with a guy I met at another concert. He kinda saved my life, and then we made out, so we exchanged numbers and have been talking for about a month. He's really sweet, but also really.. accommodating. I guess that's not a bad thing, it's just, he always agrees with me. It bugs me cause I feel like he's just being fake to impress me.
Lastly, I think, is that I've started smoking. My reason is "I spent all of last year hanging out with smokers, so it's kinda rubbed off on me, and I've been craving it lately because of that." Thing is, I'm not really telling anyone, other then the people I ask for smokes.

Ooh, also (so I was wrong, that wasn't the last thing), I've had my wisdom teeth pulled out. I wanted to get my tongue pierced while my mouth was still numb from the surgery, but my dad just glared at me when I suggested it. ANDD, I've decided I want to get a tattoo. Or more then one. But I know what I want. I'm thinking a dandelion, with the seeds blowing away, on my wrist. A dove on my shoulder, and/or a cherry tree up the side of my ribs.

This time, I promise, it's the last thing. In my psychology class, a couple days ago, we had to write a paper, "Who Am I?". I'm telling you this because I just realized, or have always known and just rerealized, that it's not just me who doesn't know who I am. The guy who was yelling at me about my, mistake, also started yelling at me about my smoking. He said that I was pretending to be something I'm not. So I asked him who he thought I was, because, clearly, I had no idea. He just brushed it off with a "I dunno, that's you're problem". I don't know if that means he doesn't know who I am or if he just doesn't care. In relation to my smoking thing, I've gotten really bad about it. I couldn't find someone with a smoke the other day, so I went to the forest with just my lighter and started looking around on the ground for someone's leftover butt. I found one that was in decent condition and I got a couple drags out of it, but just the fact that I was scrounging around in the dirt for a smoke is really pathetic. I'm pretty disgusted by myself. It's alright though, I'm determined to buy a pack of smokes soon. I just need to find the courage to ask around at the gas station for someone to buy them for me. Or wait for my other friend to bring her ID to school one day so she can buy me some.

I Got Rid Of Everything That Reminds Me Of You Today

I think it's about time for me to stop writing in this blog. It doesn't accomplish anything more then my journal used to do and I feel like the only reason I keep up with it is in the hopes that someone is reading it religiously. However, I highly doubt that anyone cares and I realize that I'm more comfortable with my journal anyways.

In this (hopefully) last post, I'm gonna give a quick update and then end it. I went on vacation and flirted with hot guys, and got nicely tanned and enjoyed myself a great deal. When I got back I started giving swim lessons to a couple family friends and started getting money. I talked to a homeopath (a doctor who does some psychology, but treats the patients with all natural medical treatment thingys) and found out I'm not unique at all. She had everything about me in her little book. I'm a type of person. There are people like me who have the same problems as me and this bothered me, alot. There is NOTHING unique or individual about me, not my dreams, my self esteem, my ideas, my weight, my original sense of uniqueness, nothing.

Moving on from the depression that leads me to, I went to a sleepover thing at my friends house. It was alot of fun. She's in uni, so her friends are all older, I was the baby of the group, but I think they liked me. We went for bubble tea, then headed to a bar, but I got carded so we left and went to Timmie's instead. We headed back to her place at 2ish, but she started getting boring around then. Luckily, at that moment, a really hot guy walks into the kitchen, has a conversation with me, and walks out. I ask who he was, where he went, etc. "Oh, he's just my brother's best friend, they smoke up in the garage." "They have weed?! Excellent." (I had been wanting some all day). I went into the garage and they welcomed me with open arms. Granted, they were drunk, but it was still nice. Plus, the two best friends were really hot, and the brother was really nice. I'm pretty sure they were hitting on me, but then one asked how old I am and I think they realized that should anything happen, it would be illegal, so they kinda stopped and tried to ignore me. They were too drunk for that to work. One of the hot friends actually asked "You wanna play strip poker?" "I don't know how *giggle*" "That's exactly why you should play strip poker." Unfortunatley, he mistook my silence for a no and dropped it. I was actually waiting for him to give instructions. Meh, would have been fun. Best part is, my parents think that we went for bubble tea then watched movies till we fell asleep. Awsome, no?
Anywho, I'm gonna go watch a movie, so this, I think, is goodbye. You are up to datefor today, and there will be no more. Thats the plan anyways. Lets see how it works.

I hope this stays up for a couple years. I want to come back when I'm 40 and read all of this, then maybe find my old journals too. I'm sure I'll have a good laugh at all the things I thought were important.

What Does It Feel Like To Be Loved?

There's so much I have to write about, like my trip to Puenta Cana and the whole confusion about whether or not I have friends, but I just don't have the words, or the patience to write it all down right now.

You Think I'm Intimidating?!?!

So I finally went on my date with the guy who's had a crush on me for ages. The one I went to prom with. Surprisingly, it was really.. nice. I could tell he was really nervous, and I was waiting for him to make a move through the whole movie (which he didn't and which I thought to be really refreshing). After the movie, he confessed that he was really nervous and felt intimidated. "You're intimidated by me? AWWWW! Why? We're like, best friends!!" This got him laughing and I think it got some of the nervousness off him. He walked me home and kept his arm either around my shoulder or my waist throughout the walk. It was a nice walk and we had some intense conversation (about the stereotype people tend to stick on teenagers). When we got to my house, I invited him in and we talked and played this video game thing my sister has.
I was slightly surprised at how much I enjoyed myself. It was actually really nice. The only thing is that I can't help seeing us as just friends. Even the "date" we went on didn't feel like more then our usual "hanging out".
Whatever, let's just wait and see what happens.

Darling, Please, Take My Sweater; You're Soaked!

I had to hide in people's backyards this weekend. I also kept in contact with my parents via e-mail while I was supposed to have run away. What kind of runaway keeps in contact with her rescuers?
Oh yeah, uhm, I ran away for all of... 34 hours? It was really.. weird. We had gotten in another stupid fight, and I was supposed to be going on a date with the guy I had mentioned earlier (so I technically, unintentionally stood him up, however, he was the furthest thing from my mind when I was trying to figure out what I was doing that I didn't really notice) and I went out for air to calm myself down. Every time I go out for a walk after a fight, my parents seem to feel the need to follow behind me in the car. This time, I decided I needed air on my own and so went in a different direction. This lead to them looking for me, which bothered me and lead to me hiding in people's backyards until they had passed by. Somehow, I ended up on a bus after buying viva tickets with 19 of the 37 dollars I had on me. I didn't want to think of my next step so I stayed on the bus until it's last stop, Finch. While I was on the bus, I realized what lonely lives bus drivers lead and so decided to strike up a conversation with the bus driver. We talked all the way through his route. When I finally got off the bus I thought I'd get on a subway and get further away. On the way to the ticket booth, I heard someone playing "Knocking On Heaven's Door" by Bob Dylan. When I heard the song a huge smile lit my face and I just felt so much better. For some reason, this persuaded me not to get on the subway after all. I ended up walking up and down around Finch in the pouring rain. Surprisingly, there some very nice people who seemed to genuinely seemed to care for my well-being. One man drove by and upon seeing my drenched figure earnestly asked if I was alright, if I needed money or food or a ride or anything. Later, another man ran up to me while I was going to get some food and he offered me his sweater calling out "Darling, you're soaked, here, take my sweater." Then, as I was walking to the bus stop again, a bus driver stopped by me, not because he had a stop there, merely to ask if I was alright and if I needed a ride. It was touching. Anywho, this story is far too long for me to type, long story short, I met up with a friend as I was on my way home and we hung out for a bit until she offered for me to stay at her house. I stayed there for the night and went out a bit the next day. I was keeping in touch with my family and friends because I had gotten an e-mail from my cousin telling me how worried everyone was and how the police were involved and all that. My best friend was worried about me too, and she (ever so sweetly) sent me e-mails telling me what a bad best friend I was being by making her worry so much and then threatening me with things only best friends would understand. Then, at around 10:40 that night, while my friend was out, I left her a note thanking her for her hospitality and apologising for leaving without saying goodbye, hopped on a bus and headed home. I tried to take my time getting home: I had started to doubt my decision while I was on the bus. I finally got home around, 12:30 and was greeted by tears and bone-crushing bear hugs. A police officer came to "ensure I had actually returned" and proceeded to tell me (in a tone that very bluntly told me he hated me for making him do extra work) that "I technically wasn't missing, after all, I knew where I was". It was hard to keep a straight face. I called my best friend up to let her know I was back and was immediately yelled at and then laughed at and then forced to tell my entire story all over again.
Yes, so that was my weekend.

Dare Night

I just got back from the coolest "birthday party" ever. If it weren't for the fact that my parents don't really believe the cover story I told them, my night would be perfect. So one of my friends, for her 18th birthday, decided to do a dare night. She split all of us up into groups, gave us a couple envelopes and told us we would be meeting in front of the Eaton Centre at 9. Each envelope held a couple dares that we needed to do in a certain area (i.e., suburbs, bus, subway, downtown). We needed to get video or picture proof of each of the dares we performed and at the end, when we all met up again she was to tally up the scores and grant the winning group a free dinner that the losing group had to pay for. It was great. Unfortunately, because my parents didn't want me going downtown I told them instead that I was going to the mall and then, because I really didn't want to talk to them (they kept calling all night), I told them that I had accidentally left my phone at the Timnmies we stopped by. This lie came in handy when I needed a reason for getting home late too. Anyways, it kinda sucked cause I missed about half the party because of my curfew. Other then that it was pretty much a blast.
Wait, no, there were two little downers, but they weren't that bad. One was that I was in a bit of a fight with one of my guy friends, and he was in my group. The other was the verbal abuse I had to endure because a drunk white guy didn't like "immigrants"(we were walking to the bus stop and some random guy walking on the street called me a cocksucking immigrant whore. I was disgusted to say the least.)
Thankfully, my night improved a bit when I met one of my ex's on the bus. It might be my imagination, but I feel like we were flirting the entire time. Then again, I was feeling kind of sick, so maybe I'm just misinterpreting his kindness as flirtation. He looks good. I wouldn't mind going out with him again. I don't actually remember the exact reason as to why we broke up. I'm sure it was something stupid that could easily be forgotten :).

Centre For Poor Karma and Pain Research

I scream in a soundproof room.
They forgot to turn the microphones on.
This is the last sound I make.
I disintegrate into nothingness.
No one will remember me or what I had to say.

I think I've moved on. I don't hate him as much anymore. I can stand being around him. I don't know why I hated him so much. I honestly don't understand it. Even so, I'm pretty sure he's not particularly fond of me anymore. I've been a bitch to him and I know it. Oddly enough, this doesn't really bother me. Which is mean, but I still don't care.
Interesting thing today, he was talking with the girl in our class and the asain guy I smoked up with and I joined in their conversaion. They were talking about how the girl could read people's "sexual auras", like, what they've done and what type of person they are in regards to that. This was interesting because most people who claim to be able to do this get me wrong. They all confuse me for some innocent novice. Sh got me practically dead on, but I think it's only cause I said that most people get me wrong. Or because I was wearing a really open shirt. It was kinda funny, cause first thing she said was "You're not a slut." And I found myself thinking, "Aren't I?" Then I figured she probably said that to everyone. I highly doubt shes gonna go tell a slut, "Oh, you're a slut." Right? Anyways, yeah, that amused me greatly. What amused me even more was how awkward he seemed to feel in that part of the conversation. As soon as she started trying to read me, he put his head down and started doing his math homework and seemed to finish up with it just as she finished telling me her reading.

Looking forward to getting high tomorrow, after our third math test. Exciting.

Well, When You Don't Tell Me What's Going On I Need To Listen In To Find Out

So, remember the guy, one of my good friends, the one that took me to prom? The one that I was sure had a crush on me? The one I hoped wouldn't ask me out because I knew that I don't have feelings for him? Yeah, him. He decided that, a week after being informed that me and my (ex) boyfriend broke up, he would ask me out. One of my best buddies, turns out, had set him up to it. My best guy friend has been saying from the beginning how he could totally see me and this guy dating. Ever since then I've been telling my best buddy that I wasn't interested in him. Besides I had my other guy friend who I had my whole friends with benefits thing going on with.
This is getting confusing. Let me try this a different way.
A- Best guy friend.
B- Guy friend who asked me out.
C- Friend with benefits guy.

Ok, so B has liked me forever. A is one of my best friends. We haven't really ever done anything together, except for the one time we thought we could try a friends with benefits thing together, but we didn't get past making out. C is the guy I was in love with, the one I had a friends with benefits thing with, until we stopped it so I could be with my (ex) boyfriend, but which we have restarted. A had called that me and B would make a perfect couple. I had said how I had no feelings for B and would most likely reject him should he ever ask me out. On monday, me and the boyfriend broke up. During the week, A and B came to visit me a couple times and I talked with both of them via MSN and telephone. On saturday I for some reason was talking to A and decided to ask him if B liked me. A said that he couldn't tell me because he's friends with both me and B and he couldn't sell anybody out. So I thought nothing of it. Me and C started making plans to see each other again. B called during dinner. I said I'd call him back. I called him back and he asked me out. Being really close friends I had trouble letting him down easily, so I hesitated a bit. He got all flustered and started saying how its no big deal and I didn't need to say yes and all that. I just felt so bad I figured it wouldn't hurt to try it. So I'm just like "Yeah.. sure, I mean, we can try it out, yeah?". I then found out that A had set him up to it and had even set a deadline for when B had to ask me out by. As soon as I had this figured out, I called the Ginger and she was horribly amused by the whole thing and just started laughing at me. She promised to yell at A and I assured her that I had that covered. Directly after that phone called I proceeded to call A. A picks up, with a very amused tone and starts talking about randomness. We kid around a bit and I have a mini spaz attack at him but he assures me that he's informed B that it most likely won't work out. Which I was extremely appreciative of.

Anyways, yeah, so now I have that to deal with.

Next day, sunday, I get in a stupid fight with my parents (go figure) and its about how "my shirt was too open". It was a fucking tank top. They gave me a shitload of grief and my dad lost his temper and got a tad violent which lead to me getting pissed and throwing myself at him just hitting everywhere and anything I could reach. This lead to my mom calling me a "Sex Object" (her words exactly) and basically calling me a slut. I was standing in my room seriously contemplating suicide. The only way I've considered is by taking a shitload of advils. Maybe chase the advils with some Bacardi? I was actually just standing there, 12 advils in hand. I was so close to doing it too. I wanted to make them suffer. I wasn't sure that it would bother them at all, but it might've. I decided against it and instead walked out of the house. I started walking away, my parents called my cousins, cousins picked me up and took me to my aunts house where there was a huge family gathering thing and I got a lecture from my grandma and my aunt (from my dad's side) about how I should just listen to my parents and do what they say sometimes.

Then, as I was cooling down a bit from te huge temper tantrum thing, I was sitting outside, by my aunt's pool and was immideatly pushed into the water. With my phone in my pocket. In case you haven't figured it out, my phone is currently not in existence.

Lastly, summer school is going alright. I think I'm passing. We've done two tests so far. The first one I got a 50, a 57 and a 100 on the three different parts of the test. The second one we didn't get back yet, but I'm expecting a similar mark as the first test.

Oh, I lied, that wasn't the last thing. Theres three more.

My parents don't drink. So theres no alchohol in our house. Or so I thought. Turns out, they had a nice little bottle of Bacardi that they got from the Dominican (or Cuba, I can't remember) and it was just kinda lying around in one of the downstairs cupboards. I figured they wouldn't notice if it went missing and took it up to my room, nicely hidden, for any special occasions. Granted, I'm not a huge fan of rum, I prefer vodka, it's still better then nothing.

Second last, one of my friends, this guy is the most amusing, carefree people you will ever meet. So he has a girlfriend, but he seems to have no problem whatsoever flirting with me. Which I'm not sure if thats what he's doing or what, but thats what it feels like. We'll be talknig about something and he'll ask what size my chest is. Or whether I've given head or if I spit or swallow. Apparently he told the girlfriend something about me and she got all jealous and started telling him about a dream she had where he was making out with me and she decided to retaliate by screwing this really hot russian guy we all know and love.
I don't know why I told that story, but it felt more important while it was still in my head.

The last thing (I promise this is it) I was on the phone with my other bestie and my mom was telling me to go to bed. She kept spazzing so I rushed my story about A and B and said night to her. My mom walks in my room as I'm hanging up saying, "What was that about?"
"None of your business"
"Yes it is, your my daughter and it matters. Who asked you out? Whats going on?"
"YOU WERE EAVSEDROPPING?!?!?!"
"Well, when you don't tell me whats going on in your life, I have to find out somehow."
"GET OUT."
The End

Ughh, she pisses me off so much. Whats it to her whats going on with my relationships and all that shit?

Anywho, yeah.. thats it for now. Wow, I didn't realize I needed to write so much.

Scream Your Heart Out

Uhm.. haven't done this in a while. I don't really know why I haven't written, but it was a nice feeling. Almost like I was living independently without need of a release. That no longer holds true. Or I just really feel like writing. Either way, here I am.

For starters, we broke up.
Now you're up to date.

To be honest, I don't know how I feel about it. We're in summer school together. Same school, same class, same table. We broke up on the first day and it was a nice clean break up. No tears, no nothing. Just very simple "I think it's over." "Let's be friends?" "Ok."
That was actually how it went down. Next day, I just felt like I didn't want to be around him, so I was distant and didn't talk to him at all. That led to him striking up a conversation with this pretty skinny girl who was sitting at the other table. I don't know if it's true or if I'm just paranoid, but I felt like he was flirting with her. Whatever, right? I mean, it's not like we're dating. But it was weird. I almost felt.. jealous. Possessive is more the word. I mean, he's mine! I was his first everything. Did that not matter to him at all? How was he so Ok to just start flirting the next day? Suddenly, for no apparent reason, I hated him. I actually hate him. I can't stand him. Listening to him talk to her, I couldn't stand it and decided to switch tables. I'm overreacting, I know. It shouldn't matter to me so much, but it does. I felt so strongly, I detested him. I do detest him. Just thinking about him is repulsive.

Why am I being such a bitch? How can I hate someone so easily? I have no idea. I've entertained the idea that maybe I'm not over him, maybe I still like him, but i rejected that thought almost immediately. I'm practically positive that I don't have feelings for him.

Plus, it feels like he just doesn't care anymore. If we were actually friends now he would've said something to me. Talked to me. About something. Anything.
All we've said to each other since the breakup was a tiny little msn convo saying "Hi.. do you get the math homework?" That's it.

Something else that's bugging me is the fact that he is so oblivious. While we were sitting at the same table, on the second day of school, I decided to smoke up and got high for the first time. He didn't notice. He was sitting directly across from me and he didn't realize that I was fucking baked out of my mind. WHAT KIND OF FRIEND IS THAT?!?!?

I don't know what I'm trying to get to, I just know I really needed this. It's helping me organize my thoughts. Maybe I'll even figure out why I'm so pissed.

On a brighter note, my friend with benefits thing is back on. I was talking to him (the guy I had been fooling around with before) and as soon as I told him that we had ended it we kinda fell back into our old "sex-talk/joke" style of speech. I look forward to seeing him again. I've missed him. I think I'm hoping that he'll make me forget all about my confusion. Or maybe he can help clear it up.

Lastly, I hate summer school. I hate math. HOWEVER, I am under the impression that I may be passing the course so far. Which is excellent news. It seems that ever since I moved tables I've actually started listening to the teacher. I'm almost excited for our next test. I think I know what I'm doing. WOOT.

Foolish Heart, Looks Like We're Here Again

Have you ever tried to hold your breath?
Just to see how long it takes for everything to go black.
Just so that maybe the air in your lungs would stop breathing.
Just so that maybe the hammer in your head would stop pounding.
And maybe the heart in your chest would stop beating.

I went to practice sad today. I hadn't heard from him all day, and we had gotten into a fight last night. I don't even know why we got in a fight.. something about the fact that I had taken a drag from my friend's cigarette. I don't think that's why we were mad at each other though. It doesn't make sense that a thing like that would cause such a huge argument. So it must've been something else, I just don't know what. Thing is, despite that that wasn't what I was upset over, I was still frustrated with him. I realized that maybe I don't know him as well as I thought I did. That maybe he isn't as sweet and innocent as I first believed him to be. I feel like I somehow.. broke him. He was so intent on "remaining pure" and being good, and not being physical.. and I pushed it till the sleeping male inside him woke up and demanded more. Demanded a more serious physical aspect to our relationship. I'm not saying he's demanding. I'm saying that he's changed, or awoken. Not that I mind.. I like being physical, I've already explained to him that I'm very open to things. I think I may have gotten the wrong message to him though. I'm afraid that he misunderstood "open" to mean "useable". It's probably a ridiculous, groundless thought, but I can't help feeling like I'm almost being used. I don't even know where I would get the idea from. Just... I don't know.
And then theres the idea that he's just messing with me, playing games with my head. He'll say things like "I wanted to say something, but it would make me sound like a dick" and, obviously, that leaves a person curious as to what he was going to say. I like when he tells me what he needs to say.. but when he dangles it in front of me... again, I don't know. I just feel like I'm being messed with. Despite it all, I can't help still feeling.. love? For him. I'm still in love with him, and it hurts when he say's things like " I feel like she's going to dump me, and I'm ok with that, as long as she's happy." I don't think he thinks very highly of me.
I know, this is wrong.. and I'm being a coward. I can't bring myself to say this to his face.. even writing this here took me a good couple hours, to word it all just right, to figure my thoughts out a bit.

I was saying how I was sad at practice today. I wanted to just hide away and cry. Not the really bad crying, the kind of tears you shed when you've cut yourself reeally bad. I mean the real crying. The crying you do to empty yourself. To just... cleanse. I don't know how to explain it, but it's the kind of crying that helps you feel better. You know how it is.. when you have a good cry and you just feel so much better. Well, I was trying to spoil myself with some easy tears, but was stopped by just about the entire team, coach included, telling me that no guy is worth my tears. That I shouldn't worry about it, and that I should just let it go. They clearly don't understand the healing power that tears hold. Nor did they understand what was wrong. Everyone just assumed that he was dumping, or had dumped, me.

I'm pretty sure that's not what's happening though. Or at least I hope it isn't.
But if it is, I'd rather he dumped me. I don't have the strength to hurt someone like that again.

A Wolf in Sheeps Clothing

Right now.. the title sums it up. I think.
I want to go cry, go die, go end this all now.
I don't like it.
I don't like that I'm being such a bitch.
And I don't even know what direction my thoughts are running in.

Right now, I can honestly say
I am Confused.

One Night In Vegas

Goodness gracious.. I haven't written in what feels like FOREVER!!
I wanted to write all about prom the night of, but I was so exhausted that I just went straight to bed. and then when he called, I fell asleep at the phone at least three times.
Well, to sum it up, prom was incredible. I went with one of my grade 12 friends as his "date" and I'm afreiad he may have forgotten that I have a boyfriend. I may be reading this too much, I mean, it may just be that he was having a good time, but I can't help but feel weird about it. It's hard to explain what I'm trying to say, I guess I just thought he seemed really.. protective? Or something. But not just protective, just really into it. When we were all dancing, everyone was grinding, and at first me and him weren't.. but then it got really crowded on the dancefloor and we were pushed against each other and it was like.. whatever.. no big deal, we're just dancing, right? Then he put his hands on my waist, and it was still like, whatever. I got kinda weirded out so I decided I needed air and went out onto the balcony for a bit and called him up. We had a nice little five minute chat before he sent me back to the party. I headed back in and decided to find my best friend and ask her if her "date" was being as.. physical.. with her. I find her grinding with this other guy that she had had a physical relationship with before. I look at her, and pull her over, remind her that she's got a boyfriend.. who probably wouldn't approve of her dancing with a guy thats got his hands grabbing her ass. She just laughed it off and said they were just dancing. That bugged me a bit, but I let it slide.. it's prom after all. Hahahahah, what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. (The theme was "One Night In Vegas")
Another thing was when we were slow dancing. I could feel my "date" smelling my hair, and I was scared he was gonna lean in for a kiss, so I tried to keep my face in his shoulder the whole time. He kept telling me how he was having such a great time and I felt really bad, cause I kept trying to ditch him so I could dance with other people. About two hours in, I had thrown caution to the wind and was dancing like a madwoman, I had so much energy that I was practically bouncing off the walls.
The one downer during the night was during dinner, when the waitress managed to drop a plate of hot food (steak, chicken and vegetables.. all covered in gravy) on my back. It wasn't that bad, and I felt really bad for the waitress, and it was an understandable mistake, so I tried to calm her down a bit while my friends tried to get some of the food off of me. The waitress just kept apologizing and I just really wanted to get to the bathroom.. the food had been hot. I felt so bad because it wasn't even my dress, and it now smells like gravy.

That was my thursday night, and it was a blast and a half. Then, on friday, I didn't go to school, I stayed home and slept and watched a movie. After his school ended he headed over and my dad had (what I thought to be) a very awkward and unnecessary talk with him. All about his morals and how he was brought up. Bleh.
We went upstairs and were fooling around a bit.. and he fingered me. It was incredible, but I was confused, and I was trying to stop him... I had thought he didn't want to go that far.
I guess it didn't occur to me that he would want something as well, I was so out of it that I didn't reealize that I was only taking. I think it's because I'm not used to getting, I'm usually the one that's giving, and so it was.. different. But nice different.

At around 6, his mum came and picked us up from my house to take us to his friend's house. She was having a potluck and graciously extended his invitation to include me.
It was awkward at first, but I think it was alright after.. I was enjoying myself. It was very different from the parties I'm used to. First of all, it was completely clean. No drinks, no drugs, no sex, no one passed out on the floor.. it was very clean. Second, it seemed that it wasn't just one group. It was a bunch of different groups merged into one. Like, for the parties I'm used to, it's generally just the stoners. This party was a mix of people from all different cliques. It was nice to see.

I left early, about an hour before everyone else, and I wanted to get hugs from everyone, but they all looked so comfrotable on the couches that I didn't have the heart to get them up.
I just hope everyone liked me.. or at least didn't hate me.

This Night's a Perfect Shade

Fuck.
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

I hate myself soo much right now. Like, honestly, way to go. Way to totally be a bitch and ignore the constant thing inside you telling you that he wants to wait.
Yeah. Nice going.
Moron.

Right, so, uhmm.. I feel really bad. I was under the impression that my boyfriend was reallly.. in control of himself. And was capable of stopping himself where he wanted to stop. So I figured that, being myself (thus not particularly attractive) there was no harm in me stupidly being very.. open. Couldn't think of a better word. Baisically, I've been, like, forcing? Or pushing? Or insisiting.. that we go further. Even if I don't actually say anything, I still do things that push forward our physical relationship.
For example, he was at my house last night, and my mom called us down to dinner, and told us to wash our hands. While he was busy washing his hands, I decided to go up behind him and slip my hands down the front of his pants.
We ended up taking that a bit further, but we shouldn't have. I shouldn't have, because he didn't want to have done so.
I actually was ranting about this to my best friend today.
She called me a whore.
And told me to cool down.
She was kidding, of course, but I feel like she's right.
I've been acting like a whore.

Ugh.

Please Stop Whispering Lies in My Ear..

It's Starting To Tickle.

I just had the most heart-wrenching heart-to-heart with my aunt.
My mom's youngest sister.
We all used to hate her.
Thought she was all high and mighty, like she ruled the world.
Couldn't stand her.

I'm at her house right now, and she came up to me, as I was doing my homework earlier. She seemed.. sad. But not really sad.. more thoughtful than anything else.
Anyways, she started off with some small talk, and then looked at me and said "I hope you never forget your roots." I kinda just, looked at her.

She looked back sympathetically and told me how highly she thinks of me. Despite everything she knows I've done... she loves me. She told me how my mother loves me too, even though I put her through hell sometimes.

Apparently, my mom admires me. This means.. so much to me. To hear my aunt tell me this. I couldn't even say anything back. I just started crying. She told me that my mom is proud of me. That she loves how stubborn I am, how tough I try to be. That she loves everything about me.
My aunt then told me how much I remind her of herself when she was younger. I know, the most cliche line in the book. But.. you have no idea how strong it is.. to actually here someone tell you that. I dunno.. it didn't really surprise me. I figured she was like me when she was younger. Like me, just prettier.

My aunt is so gorgeous. Why am I saying this? a) Cause it's true. b) Cause after she told me to "Remember my roots." she proceeded to say, flat out "You're so beautiful." I must have given her the most confused look. To hear this coming from one of the people I consider to be prettier than half the models on TV.. it meant alot. I know.. she has to tell me that she thinks I'm pretty. And I know, she was just saying it to add to her point, but it made me feel good for a minute. I didn't believe it for a second, but it still felt nice.

It ended with both of us in tears, and her telling me that I'm her favourite neice as I tried to wipe away the tears that had made their way down to my chin.


I guess I do love her after all.

Hmm.. Is The Answer "I Love You"?

I'm so tempted to write everything that happened last night, but I don't want to get in the habit of writing down every detail of every time we see each other.
It was incredible, I can tell you that.
We met up at my house, walked to Starbucks, then headed back to my house to "watch TV" again.
It was pleasant.

I'm afraid I'm pushing too far though, like, I'm ok with doing anything, but he doesn't want to go too far. He's got this like.. iron self control, and I feel bad breaking it sometimes.

I'm loving everything we're doing.. I love when he kinda, takes control. But I want to give back as much as I get. He keeps giving, doing things that feel good for me, and says that he enjoys it, and won't let me do anything in return. He's all strict about how "I can do anything as long as his pants stay on", which means I can't really do anything.
Well, no.
I can.
But not alot.
Rawr.

I can't believe how much I love being with him.. he's.. addicting.
I actually didn't want him to ever leave when we were together last night.

I need to meet his parents.
It's scary how much I think that they won't like me.
I want to go up to them and say:
"I'm in love with your son. Can he be mine?"

Let Me Scream Till Your Ears Bleed

Is it absolutely necessary for my parents to yell at each other every day? For there to be some sort of argument, or some sort of fight?

Is that what love is? You see these old, married couples, always bickering, and you think.. is that what I'm signing up for?

My grandma, on my dads side, is coming to Canada this weekend, and she's staying with us for a couple months. My dads all excited, cause he hasn't seen her since his dad died. So he's spending the day cleaning up the house, and would appreciate some help. My mom is only insistent that we leave the house at 4:30, so she can see her sister, who she sees at least twice a week anyways.

Obviously, my dad has a right to be upset with my mom after how she's treating him. Thing is, when I mentioned this to her, she made like she was the victim. Like we were being unfair to her. I thought it was ridiculous.

I'm So Glad You're You

What else is there to say?
When every word,
And every sound means the
Exact Same Thing

The birds can swim,
And the fish can fly.

The puzzles can solve,
And the solvers can puzzle.


What more can you say?
When the first thought to enter your mind,
Every second of every day is
I hope he's smiling right now.

..I was working on that, and then I guess I just.. stopped.
No clue why, but whatever.. it sounds like I ended it.. kinda.

Just Praying to a God That I Don't Believe In

We had a fight last night.
Well, kinda.. it wasn't so much a fight as it was both of us saying stupid stuff and feeling bad about it.
It doesn't matter though, cause we got over it. Then we had our usual late night phone call, where we sat in a comfortable silence the majority of the time. I loved it.

I'm tryng to get more comfrotable telling him "I love you". We've started saying it, yes, it is soon, but it felt right. Hearing him say it anyways. For some reason, it sounds empty, and hollow when I say it. I'm working on it, practicing.

I'm also learning how to knit. Just thought I would share that with you.
My friend wanted to learn to knit so he could make a sweater for his girlfriend, but he gave up and I thought I would give it a try. I suck at it.

I can't wait for this weekend. I get to see him again.

When a Heart Breaks, No it Don't Break Even

And the secret is out.
We ended our conversation with the L word last night.
Both of us.
To each other.

"What am I supposed to do when the best part of me was always you?"

Title and lyrics courtesy of
The Script- Breakeven

Raw and Unedited Thoughts

he liked feeling me up.
he wanted to take off my bra.
i love the feeling of his lips on my neck.
i could've orgasmed from that alone.
i need to find out what he likes.. and soon.
i don't like that he knows my weakness and i dont know his. arg.

I don't remember when I wrote that.. probably the night of. He told me one of the things he likes. The ear. Excellent.
I felt like a total bitch today though. I don't know whats wrong with me, I just felt so.. insensitive. We got into our first argument today. I didn't like it. I liked that he was speaking openly with me, but it felt weird to tell him how I felt about some of the stuff. Like, I didn't mind talking to him about it, I was just scared that he would judge me based on what I was saying. So, I decided to end it with a simple "That's your opinion."

Oh my goodness, forgot to mention. My best friend MIGHT be pregnant. We highly doubt it, but it's possible. We want to wait to see if she gets her period this month, if she doesn't we'll get her to do a pregnancy test. I'm sure it's nothing. She's just worried cause they didn't use a condom and she's been feeling kinda sick lately. I'm sure it's fine. I hope.

One last thing: I feel bad. I've been pushing the whole physical thing with him so much that I'm practically insistent on it now. All this after having promised to back off a bit.
Ughhh. I will back off. I will stop pushing it. I'm going to let him go at his own pace.

Or try to.

The L Word

He said the L word.
He said the L word.
He said the L word.
I didn't say the L word.
He said the L word.



I secretly L worded it.
I love you too.

What Do You Do When The Glue Doesn't Stick?

He met my family...
Like, not just my parents, but also my aunts, uncle, grandma, cousins, parents and sister.
Sure, that's not my WHOLE family, but it's a fairly large number of people. Meanwhile, his mom apparently doesn't like me.. seeing as she hasn't met me. His dad has accepted that he has a girlfriend, but has apparently heard some rumour about me, and his sister.. I don't know what she thinks of me.

Besides that, I've been enjoying this weekend very much so far. I saw him on the friday, then on the saturday as well. It was beautiful. We went to see a movie (which he keeps paying for. the first time he said that his sister paid, and then this time he paid and wouldn't let me pay him back. It's sweet I guess, and I don't mind. but I feel bad. I'll start getting places early and paying before he gets there :D), and then my mom invited him to my aunt's house.
We spent a nice chunk of our time there in my cousins room, on the couch, with the lights out. I totally love it, but I'm kinda scared that we're spending too much time like that. We didn't have a full conversation together the entire time we were there. I don't mind, I talk to him plenty, but I'm scared that we're going to be dependent on the physical aspect of the relationship, and that's not a very sturdy base. Part of me doesn't care, because I love it so much. The other part of me is yelling at me to take it more slowly (I am convinced that the latter part of me has been influenced a great deal by him, hopefully the other part of me is influencing him just as much).

I was scared he was mad at me last night. I'm pretty sure I was just being stupid, and that theres no reason for me to think that, but it didn't stop me from thinking it last night. I don't even remember why I thought he was mad.

I'm kinda pissed at myself. I had a really great poem being made up in my head last night, but I was too tired to write it down. Now I can't remember it. Rawr.

Wanted to write about something else as well, but I can't think of anything worth recording, so I'll just end this... here.

Don't Make Me Come Down There

Oh My Goodness.

I've been meaning to sit and right this entry since last night, but my parents kicked me off the computer, then I had swim practice in the morning and fell asleep afterwards, when I got home, till about.. now.
Alright, I know this entry is gonig to be kinda "all over the place" but I just want to write everything down, before I forget, which I hope I don't. Ever.

So, last night, I was on a date with him. We went to this coffee shop type food place and we sat around there for a couple hours. The plan was to have some food there, then go over to his friend's house so I could a) meet the friend, b) get approval from the friend, and c) hang out with him and the friend. But because my parents were.. arg.. and because my boyfriend decided to side with my parents, that didn't happen. Which was kinda lame, but urned out alright anyways.
Our time at the food place was pretty funny. I had had some food before leaving the house, so I wasn't hungry. However, he was intent on being gentlemanly, so he wanted me to eat something with him. While he was ordering, he ordered something with bacon on it, something I don't eat. He kept insisting that I eat something, so after I noticed what he ordered, I said fine. He also got a hot chocolate, with whipped cream on top. We got th ehot chocolate, and sat at our table waiting for food. I dipped my finger in the whipped cream, and offered him the finger, then had some myself. By the time the whipped cream was done, the food was there. He offered me some, and I laughed. "Nope. Can't eat bacon :)". He got slightly pissed at himself, but I was laughing so much that I guess it made him laugh as well. He ate his food, while we shared the hot chocolate (that I had said I wasn't going to touch.. so much for self control).

So, after food, we decided to walk, very slowly, towards my house. It was really nice, we were holding hands and listening to his music. Very pleasant. Then, although I did see it coming, he decided to "surprise" me and gave me his lip virginity (he gave me his first kiss). I was like.. AWWWWW!! and we continued walking. Very happily.

We passed by one of my friend's streets, so we decided to stop and say hello, thus introducing him to another of my friends. Apparently, it was awkward. But I don't think so, so meh.
We finally got to my house, and he immediately won over my parents. My mom loved him, and my dad acknowledged him, so that was good.
For some unkown reason, my parents decided to be ok with us being upstairs, alone. They were all downstairs, watching a movie, so me and him went into the guest room (which we call "the toy room"), turned on the TV, and proceeded to make out. He was determined to find me a "first", something he would be the first to do with me, and settled on being my first "spiderman kiss". This consisted of him lying on the bed, on his back, his head dangling over the side, and me kissing him, while on the floor, facing him. It was interesting.

Haha, I had a bit of fun teasing him too. I would put my face really close to him, like I was going to kiss him, and he would come in for a kiss and I would move away. I would laugh, he would pout, then he would do the same thing to me.

I felt kinda bad, because I kinda turned him on. Alot. And because he is insistent on taking it slowly, I couldn't really help him out at all. Granted, I wasn't making it any easier either, I straddled him at one point, made him grab my boob at another point and periodically tried to slip my hand down his pants. It was amusing.
Oddly enough, he turned me on as well. I don't know why that would be odd, but it's just.. him. He's such an innocent type of guy, I was kinda surprised when I noticed that I was just as aroused as he was. I think it was the neck thing that did it. It seems that my neck and ear are more sensitive then my lips. I loved when he would kiss my neck, or bite my ear. Even when he would just hug me from behind, and it lead to him breathing on my neck, it turned me on. Mmmmm.
I didn't want him to leave, but he had to eventually, at around 11 his sister came to pick him up. We were still upstairs, and spent a good five minutes saying goodbye. This consisted of more kissing (which, as it turns out, is easier for us to do while we're lying down, cause of the height difference) and hugging, while I was standing on the tips of my toes.

I can't wait to see him again :)

I Am... Nothing?

What Am I?

I am the whispering of the grass,
The caw of the lost crow.

I am the shudder of the frame,
When you're anger is directed to the door.

I am the long forgotten promise,
The wish upon a star.

I am the burnt up letter,
The one that was never to be sent.

I am the ash from your cigarette,
The one you swore would never be lit.

I am the telephone you cradle on your shoulder,
The one you stare at waiting for a call.

I am the tips of the fingers you dream about,
The ones that wiped away your tears.

I am the hug you long for,
The kiss you depend on.

I am the arms that enfold you,
The lips that caress.

I am the dream that faded,
The one that remains.

I am the worn out blanket,
The one that protected you from the dark.

I am the tear-stained pillow,
The well worn book.

I am the broken headphones,
The ripped collage.

I am the thoughts in your head,
The water in your cup.

I am your band-aid, I am your crutch,
I will always be there,
For the single moment,
The one moment you realize,
You need me.

I need you too.

Without you,

I am nothing.

Arbitrary Thoughts Tend to Spell Incoherent

So what if the rain never falls,
or if the clouds turn to gray?
So long as your by my side,
The demons hide away.
I turn and stare,
And all I see is the passing by
Of past lies and hurtful words.
But it doesn't matter anymore.
Because even teddy bears
Can only take so much
Before they overflow.
They no longer hold
And so I look to you instead.
None of it matters anymore.


I tell myself daily.

Am I Really the Only One in the World?

No. I'm not.

But he makes me feel like I am. Like theres no one else who is of any importance whatsoever. I love it... and him. But I don't want to say that yet. It's too soon, and all I know for sure is that it's more then "like"... does that mean it's love??

Moving on.. I had an incredible swim practice today. We spent the whole two hours that we were supposed to be swimming just talking. About everything and anything. It was awsomeness. I started talking about him and how I couldn't wait for them all to meet him, and my coach got all excited and was like "I can't wait to see the guy that's making you so happy!" and I was like "AWW!!" and we hugged and ran off into the sunset.

No.
Not really.
But close enough.

Uhmm, despite the fact that already, all I've wrote was about him, I still have one extra tidbit of writing about him then I'll move on.
Turns out, my boyfriend doesn't know anything about being turned on. You don't get the urge to TICKLE someone when they tease you. You get the urge to do SOMETHING to them.. or with them, not tickle them.
Gosh darn it.
Figures, it's just my luck that I find a guy that respects me.
Shiesh.

Uhmm.. I was gonna say something else, but I forget what it was.. and it probably wasn't that important anyways because it was just going to be an attempt at me thinking of something other than him. Which isn't that interesting. So meh.

No Matter How Many Times You Ask That Question, The Answer Remains The Same

"What started that fight?"
"You being you, which lead to me being the me I am when you're the you that I don't like."
"WATCH YOUR MOUTH!"

I don't like her. No, I detest her. She disgusts me. She makes me hate my life. She makes me hate her. And for the dumbest reasons too.

Meh. Whatever. We apologized and hugged an were happy. Ish.

Moving on. I am a horrible girlfriend. Like, terrible. Me and my BOYFRIEND (I love saying that now:P) talk every night, on the phone, at around 1ish.. till whenever. I was supposed to call him last night, after my parents fell asleep. I forgot. And proceeded to fall asleep. Only to get a call at 2:30, from my boyfriend, who was curious as to why I didn't call. I felt really bad and was apologizing and all that, and it was whatever. We get into our conversation, and I manage to fall asleep. While we're talking. About a half hour into the conversation and I'm out cold. He didn't notice at first, but then realized I was asleep and proceeded to tell me things he apparently can't tell me while I'm conscious. He then hung up and went to bed.
I woke up at 6:30, realized my phone was still on, and figured I must have fallen asleep during our midnight chat. Without thinking, I call him. At 6:30. In the morning. "Mmm.. mhmm uhm, ello?" "GOOD MORNING!!". It was funny. But horrible. And I felt REALLY bad. So I spent a good 10 minutes talking to him then, the majority of the conversation being "I am really really sorry. I don't know why I was so tired. I'm sorry!" Being the incredible boyfriend he is, he just kept telling me that it's fine, don't worry, no big deal, etc. I still felt really bad. Hmph.

Ew, I had a four hour exam today. Disgusting. We had to write THREE fucking essays. In two hours. Ugh. Bleh. Yeah.. then there were a bunch of other random parts to it. It was horrible.
Hahaha, and, I fail at being pierced. I was really bored a couple nights ago and started playing with my belly button ring, and I took it out, and I somehow managed to kill the ring so that it didn't close properly anymore, leading to it constantly falling out. Luckily, my best friend had an extra from when she got hers done so I just took that from her. And proceeded to replace my own in the middle of the school hallway. With my friends staring at me. "EWWWW.. " and making fun of me for struggling to get the ring through my skin.
Yes, I fail.
Epically.

Quantity Owns Quality Anyways

“Why Hello there” I say to the constellations above. I feel light and blissful as the stars each take a hold of my joints. Gently, they lift me up and we float to the moon. I look around as Orion waves hello. The glittering stars blink and the satellites in the atmosphere disintegrate… they cease to exist as I float happily. My simple flight ends quickly as my feet touch the surface of the moon. In the distance I see a figure, seated at a round table. She peels an apple and cores it too. As I approach, she offers me both the single strand of apple peel and the discarded core. I am touched, as it is an honor to receive any kind of gift from a being who is seated lonely at a round table. Or so I have been told. The moment my fingers connect with the remains of the apple, I start and sit up in my bed. I seem to be awake, and yet, the apple peel is in my hand.

In case you haven't noticed.. I'm just posting a bunch of stuff I had written down from before, cause I didn't get around to posting them when I actually wrote them.

Wait, You Expect Me to Pause?

Breath breathes
Think thoughts
Sing songs
Drink drinks
Light lights
Love lovers
Cut cuts
Bleed blood
Live life
Pause,
Savor death

If You Promise Not to Tell

I stared into my mirror today.
I had a question, and was looking for my answer.
It makes no sense to me, of all people,
Why was I the one that fit?

I'm happy right now, and I want to try to write it down as I would before knowing that someone was reading this. It would be easier if I didn't know he was reading.
Not that it really changes anything, I only have good things to say.
Granted, it will probably increase his already huge ego, which is never a good thing.
Point is, I'm pretty sure I'm in love, and it's bugging me cause I shouldn't let myself think of it as love. Not yet anyways. It's just, everytime I think of him, or talk to him, or hear someone call his name, I get all giddy and bubbly. When I'm talking to him, I'm just content to listen to him breathe. Which kinda scares me, cause I feel like I'm dependant on him now. I actually start feeling depressed if I don't talk to him for a little while. It's getting to be ridiculous, and I've only known him for about... four weeks? If even.
I'm pathetic. I've been craving his texts and phone calls. No matter what he says, it always has some dramatic emotion attached to it. He can say the tiniest thing, and I'll feel like I'm plummeting off of a very tall building, then he'll say how he's kidding and it's like the wind magically caught me and kept me from falling apart.
I want to stop talking about him, and stop thinking about him so much, but I don't know how to now. Doesn't help that he told me last night how possible it is that it's all just pretend. Hard to explain, but baisically means that he doesn't know who he is yet, or something along those lines, so it's possible he's just being the flirt he knows he is.

Kay, stoppng now.
I still have my life, aside from him. There's still school, and my best friends (who I think are getting tired of hearing about him), and (my favourite of all *rolls eyes*) my parents. No, that was unfair. They are tough to deal with, but I think they're trying to make it a bit easier on me. Kinda, sorta.
RAWR. School. Ughhh, I swear the teachers just want us all to fail so they can laugh in our faces. All of my classes have decided to give me at least one major project to be done by the end of the month, and there are a couple tests (and exams) scattered here and there.
I was working on a writer's craft assignement, we had to write a short story, about 2000 words. Being me, I left it to the last minute, and finished it the night after it was due. Being me, I failed at saving my document, and now have to write the whole thing all over again. The worst part is that I BSed the entire thing, so I can't even say "Oh, I remember what I wrote, I can just rewrite it!" because I don't. FML.

Death Sentence Allure

I know.. the whole media influence on society is a really well known topic, often discussed, and often ridiculed. But i wrote this poem and it's.. different. I dunno, it's kinda more harsh then I wanted it to be, but it works.. kinda.

And the Media strikes again.
How many more will succumb to it’s allure?
“I can be like that”, but they never will
Because “that” doesn’t exist.
Stick figure turn-ons and stuffed lingerie.
Exfoliaters and diets and pills and drugs
The innocent are converted.
Blush and rouge and liner and shadow
Pretty colours and tight clothes take a girl far.
Far from what she wanted to be,
So many years ago.
Hypocrites nod their heads, they agree.

Oh Yeah.. Aristotle is Dead!

Jeezuz Fucking Christ.
I hate my mom. I am loving this guy I met. And I'm dealing with school.
They seem like fairly common statements.
A) My mom. A pain in the ass. A bitch. A fucking ass wipe. And a lot meaner things that only make sense when I say them in my head.
B)The guy. Adorable. A gentleman. A prude. A non-drinker/smoker. And totally making me fall head over heels.
..That's never made sense to me.. how do you fall head over heels? How does falling head over heels prove you like someone? Curious, no?
C)School. I'm passing. My teachers are.. mainly hating me. But I'm passing. With fairly good marks too.. nothing below 80.. woot. Granted, I have a crazy easy semester. But thats not the point.

Moving on, I just realized that I don't write as much as I thought I did. I thought writing was one of my hobbies. I thought I loved to write. If all that's true.. then how come I'm struggling so much to write a single short story for writer's craft?
Arg.

Secrets, Secrets Are No Fun... But It's Less Fun When They Are Heard

Jeezuz Fucking Christ.

Fuck my life. I knew from the second my dad called me and told me we needed to "talk" that something was up. I even asked him then, "What did I do this time?"He assured me I didn't do anything wrong this time.. just something came up and we needed to talk. Foolishly, I believed him. Turns out my cousin.. who I thought I could trust with all my secrets (she tells me her secrets too) decided to go tell her mom, who in turn told my grandma, who then told my parents that I was bragging to my younger cousin about my sexual exploits.
Fucking shit. ARG.

I had half a mind to go and tell them all how she was doing shit with her friends, fucking smoking, pot, drinking.. all the shit I had gotten caught for before.. except the smoking, they never found out I had done weed. Point is, she isn't half as fucking innocent as they all seem to think she is. Ughhhhhh.. fuck. Even now, when i'm trying to almost be honest with them, I'm accused of lying.. yeah, no surprise I guess.. the whole boy who called wolf thing I guess, but still.


GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY HEAD.

The worst part is that my cousin keeps telling me that she isn't spilling my secrets. I don't know what or who to believe. I give up. I want to give up. I want to die. I want my parents to die. I want to be adopted by some really abusive, horrible parents.. maybe that will help me appreciate the crap I have to deal with.

I Wish My Name Was Tall Cause Then I Could Call Myself Irony

Bum bum be dum Bum bum be Dum bum.

Crap.
I really hate that song.

Anywho... I GOT MY BELLY BUTTON PIERCED!!
But my parents don't know.. so shhhh.
I was so proud of myself. I'm really scared of needles but I didn't cry or do anything when I was getting the piercing. I simply didn't look at the needle or the piercing process at all. Just the final product.. the metal rod sticking through my skin at the end.

Moving on, I might be going to prom this year.. I'm in grade 11, but most of my friends are 12ers, so we really wanna do prom together.. I just need to convince my parents to let me go. yay.
The only other problem is who I'm going with. At first, I was positive no one was going to actually ask me to go, so I told one of my guy friends that we would go as friends. Now, this other guy in our group seems to actually want to ask me, but doesn't want to cause he doesn't want to steal his friend's "date". Which I'm not. Granted, I'm not 100% sure the other guy even wants to ask me.. just a guess, from the way he acts around me.

Fuck.

Oh, and, it was really lame today. It was 4,20 today, so just about EVERYONE got high, except me. Cause no one wants to offer me any because they know for sure that I would never smoke. Shiesh. I wish they could just figure me out already, it's not that hard.

Where The Hell am I From?

I was going through my notebook today and I found all these little things I had written and I found some really great ones that I totally loved. Thought I would post them up here before I lost them again.



Dorothy got home just by tapping her heels. I'm stuck, with no heels to tap and no wand to wave. The worst part is that I'm already home. I bet Rosaline regretted having snubbed Romeo so early on. Who would have thought that he would be immortalized at the end of his story? What if Snow White bit the poison apple on purpose? she was probably trying to end her miserable life, only to have Prince Charming screw that up with his bold kiss.

If I was given just one chance, I'd buy romance because romance refuses to come and play. I'm all alone in this sandbox we call life. The toy trucks dumping sand on my shoes while the parents sit on their benches, comparing their children. "Mine plays chess, professionally." "Yeah, well mine is going to Germany to study art." I'm willing to bet those kids had no intention of being the next Picaso when they finger painted your portrait on the wall. And yet, that's life. You learn to deal with it. Whatever that means.