This Is A Great Joke

Leave me alone, I'm not keeping this up, but my blog is my space, I'm not going to stop posting my thoughts on here in fear of you retaliating. I don't care, I get it, you have a mood disorder, fine, that's great. I apologize for having cared about you. My mistake, now leave me the fuck alone.

I wasn't gonna reply to him, and I didn't mean for that to be a reply either, but I'm tired, and I don't want to deal with this anymore. I don't think I actually explained the problem yet, did I?

Uhm, hmm. Kay, this is the end of the conversation we had before all this happened. I skipped to the part where he said he thought our relationship was a joke. "He" being the most recent ex.

He says:

I just feel like our whole relationship was a joke

I say:

gee, thanks

really, thank you

He says:

well come on

I say:

I'm glad it was a joke to you

He says:

look at how you've been acting since you've got to waterloo

how am I supposed to feel

I say:

how I've been acting?

He says:

you know what I mean

I say:

no, I don't know what you mean

He says:

so when are you expecting? :)

I say:

fuck you

He says:

you had your chance

I say:

you think it was a joke because I never slept with you?

He says:

no

but that you've slept with everyone BUT me

I say:

then what does it have to do with anytihng?

He says:

^

I say:

I've never had sex with a boyfriend

they were always too important to me

He says:

yeah, usually it's supposed to go that way

I say:

sex was never important

He says:

yeah

I've noticed

fuck me

I say:

good for you

He says:

it's why polygamy is popular these days

and divorce rates are higher than ever before

I say:

no, you idiot, if you're gonna read my blog, at least do it right

He says:

people don't give a fuck about themselves

like myself

goodnight

After this conversation, he abruptly signed out in order to prevent me from saying anything else. So, naturally I got mad/angry/sad/frustrated (the "bad" emotions that people feel- in his response note, he told me how he's jealous of people for feeling emotions, even the "bad" ones) and posted on here. Seeing this, because he apparently still needs to know my thoughts and actions, he replied to what I wrote by posting a note on facebook. Really? I mean, honestly? All it really was was him ranting about how he's got a mood disorder (yes, we've got it, you've drilled it into us all- you are no longer human, you've have practically turned into "a thing". All anyone sees when they look at you is a "mood disorder") and how he wants me to live my life to it's fullest, appreciate all I have, and "stop acting like I know him", the entire time pretending to know me. Pretending to understand what my life has been like. Pretending to know me. Granted, this is not to say that my life has been hard, I know that. I know I've been given an easy life. I know I made things difficult with my parents, but these are my issues. How can he say that I don't appreciate what I have? How can he say that he wants me to live my life to the fullest when all he's been doing is knock me down?

Ugh. No, I'm done with this.

Just, leave me alone?

Please?

Let's Get Physical, Physical!

I went to the doctors today. As it turns out, I'm not pregnant. For now.

They actually said that. They tested my pee, and told me that from what they could tell, I wasn't pregnant, but that they couldn't be sure until the 5th week. Whatever, it's good enough for me. The trip to and at the doctors was.. interesting. It was like a little mini adventure. I was crazy nervous on my way there, and was walking my roommate to the office too (she's got a cold). So we get there and have to part ways, as they send me to Dr. S. Waiting outside the doctor's door, I think how weird it is going to the doctors on my own for the first time. Well, maybe not first, but like, second. But yeah, he calls me in and starts asking all these questions. Do you smoke? Drugs? Alcohol? How many sexual partners? How long have you been with your current partner? What's your family's history of illness? Etc.

That went on for a while, then he told me about the risks of birth control, and how there was a risk, but it was less than the risk of dying from pregnancy. -Weird-. He finally told me that I'd need to get a physical before he can give me the pills. Fuck. I've never had a full physical. I am fucking scared. Ugh. Just, ughhhh. It's gonna be so weird. AND it's scheduled for 9 in the morning before my final English class. Ewww.

*Sigh* Luckily, blondie's been supporting me, she came with me to make my first appointment, and met up with me after my testing. But I still can't help but freak out. Whatever, at least I'm not pregnant.

For now.

I don't think I've got much else to say. Uhm.

No, I shouldn't anyways, I've got an assignment to do and I keep putting it off. Lol, like last night, I was sitting around trying to do it and ended up watching "Meet the Robinsons" (a super cute disney movie. At least I think it's disney). Kay, see, no, time to go.

Bai!

Fuck You

You really need to grow up. Not everything is about you, people aren't always doing things specifically to hurt you. My actions here have nothing to do with you. Call it selfish, but I need that comfort, I need some one to want to be with me. So hate me for it if you will, but our relationship wasn't a joke. You mattered to me. You want sex? Fine, come up and visit. I'll fuck you too.

I'm sure that will "validate" our relationship.

You're such a dick.

I can't believe how much I cared about you.

The Dairymaids Office

some people sit around- pretending

some people know they know- the truth

some people might even say- they're flying

some people think it's all, bad news.

but when you're sick and tired- of waiting

just look to the sky- for proof

the weather is just about- a changing,

something new, is blowing in

the streets aligned with little people- waiting

for what, they know- not

unless

they're one of the few

who know- they knew

the truth

Madness May Meet Medieval Magic

Tee hee, alliteration truly does float my boat. It gets me off, you know?

Lol, I'm in a really good mood and I don't know why. Well, I suppose I do know why, but there are multiple reasons for it. Basically, ginger came to visit, and we spent Saturday night together, reminiscing a bit, getting really drunk, talking, etc. Then my floor mate offered us weed and we're like, sure, why not? And got fucked (thankfully not literally, I've been doing that too much) out of our minds, and visited her friend who goes to Laurier, but he and his friends were really stupid (due to bad intoxication) and I wasn't pleased. I dragged her away from it with mutters of "I don't like this" and we finally left them. Got back to my residence, talked with people, played smash brothers (?[the video game thing]), and came back to my room, where we attempted to watch Scott Pilgrim vs. the World, but we weren't sober enough to enjoy it and so instead fell asleep. Hahah, it was fun. Oh, and she found out about my blog. Cause it's in my favorites bar, and she was on the laptop and saw it and was all like "When'd you start blogging? I can't believe you never told me!"... I didn't mean to hide it from her, I just didn't think she'd be interested, you know?

Oh well.

Uhm, right, I was saying why I'm in such a good mood. So, right, there was her visiting, there was blondie giving everyone copies of the pictures she's printed off, she gave him a picture of me, him and crippled ginger in this cute hug thingy, even better? He's already put the picture up on his wall. *Sigh* Anndddd, he bought this sweater because I told him it looked good on him! Oh gosh, I am actually the most pathetic person I know. I don't even feel like being all happy now.

But I will continue listing all the reasons I was in a good mood. So there were those two, and then the fact that blondie gave me awesome pictures of all of us for me to put up on my floor, including a matching one of his :P and this great one of me and her, and the floor meeting, which made me happy too. We all gathered around and discussed important issues

Ooh, before I forget, last night, theres one specific detail that entertained me to no end. When we were going into my residence building, there was this group of guys outside the door asking for condoms. As we pass, the first ask ginger, and shes sympathetically says no. They look at me, about to ask and I wave it off, telling them not to even bother asking. As soon as I say this, they all burst out laughing, and joking to each other that it must mean "she doesn't get railed a lot, eh?!".

First of all, I can quite frankly guarantee that, considering their appearances and personalities, I have had more condom-requiring situations than they have.
Second of all, what moron actually thinks that a girl would be insulted by a comment like that? Do they really think that a comment like that will get them what they want? I mean, really?

Meh, back to the floor meeting. We were talking about important issues like secret Santa (which had to be called "secret holiday gift giving" to make it politically correct), chipping in for a "holiday" gift for our floor mom, and the quiet hour schedule for exam month. Oh shit, exams are coming up soon. Fuck.

Should probably start studying for those, huh?

Let There Be Snow

the ground is white

the trees are bare

the wind is blowing

everywhere

people scuttle

back and forth

no one stops

to watch the snow

the birds have flown

the warmth has gone

and yet the earth

has still to set

a final temperature

for us to feel

as winter floats

among our fields

the flowers hide

the breezes blow

but breezes not

are what we feel

footsteps mark

the canvas bare

for our marks to make

on paper fair

as white as snow

for snow is what

the skies have poured

onto our streets

and schools

and roads

people scuttle

back and forth

but no one

stops

to watch

the snow

Meh, not my best work, but I was inspired. Winter has finally come, and this time we know it's for sure, theres snow everywhere. It's absolutely beautiful. I went out for a smoke in the snow, and these guys come out. One of them walks up to me, and offers me a chip from his bag of Doritos. We laugh and talk for a minute, and then he rushes off to catch up with his friends. I enjoyed it, I felt special. Noticed, you know?

Gingers coming to visit tomorrow, we're gonna have some fun times. I haven't seen her in far too long. I miss her, but I'm a little bit scared that he is going to think she's prettier than me (she is), cooler than me (she is), or smarter than me (she isn't). I guess I know this is stupid, but I can't help it, I can't forget that every time we go out together, she is the focus of every one's attention. After all, who doesn't find a redhead more interesting than the rest of us common folk.

I'm scared I'm pregnant. I think I said this in my last post, but I can't shake the feeling. Planning on going to the doctors on Monday to get onto the pill.

Erm, what else? Uhmmmm. Two guys just ran past my window without shirts on. It's 2;30 in the AM and it's freezing cold outside. WEIRD.

Then again, that is university life for you.

Kay, well, due to the fact that I know not what else to say, and because I've offered my room to blondie and her boyfriend (there are drunkards past out in her bed) I shall ends this here and attempt to write more (for I'm sure I'm forgetting to mention stuff now) at a later date.

Goodnight all.

Not Fond of Homophobes

I had some really weird sex last night. My friend called me at 10 last night saying there was a party and free drinks, so me and this guy figured we'd check it out. It was basically a sex party; a bunch of black people grinding, and making out, me and my friend the only non-blacks there. I got right into it, grabbed a drink and started dancing, but I guess my friend felt weird, he left pretty soon. Granted, I did dance with him, then switch to making out with this other guy in front of him, but, I mean, it's not like he was desperate to be with me. I mean, right? Think I might be wrong though, I have a feeling he's got a crush on me. At least a teeny tiny one. Anywho, this one guy, an albino, comes and starts grinding with me, making out, fingering me, etc. I ask him if he'd be interested in a threesome with another guy. He says no, but I convince him by offering "the greatest blowjob you've ever had" if he agrees. Oh God, I was drunk.

Uhm, right, so me and him go to his room, I blow him, and he leaves to find a condom. When he comes back theres this other guy with him. I was kinda surprised, wasn't expecting this to actually happen. But yeah, they're both there, stripping down and putting on condoms. Albino boy was a bit of a dick to me, he was really into the whole "if I insult her, it'll be sexy" thing, got tired of that pretty soon; but the other guy, it was weird, I almost thought I had feelings for him.

I need to explain this now. Basically, the reason the sex was so weird, despite the fact that it was a threesome with two incredibly tall black men (well, one black man, and one black albino man) was because the three of us were talking through the entire thing. We got into these really deep discussions about people, and ourselves, and life, and just everything. The black guy really seemed to know what I was talking about, albino was way more focused on the sex, like, he just kept trying to shut me up during our discussion. Sometimes. Other times he'd really get into it too. But right, the black guy. Uhm, yeah, so we'd keep talking and I explained.. myself, to him. And he understood! He genuinely seemed to understand me. I told him about my suicide attempt, my parents, my shrink, my friends, just, everything. And he told me about his life too, his friends, his family, the divorce, his siblings, his home, everything.

We spent the night cuddled in each others arms, and were practically convinced that we were in love, except that I'd explained to him my views on love as well, so it wasn't really love. We were just really into each other, and it made sense.

I'm a little bit concerned though, I mean, we had sex a number of times last night, and despite my constant reminders that they wear condoms, I don't think they were each time. Granted, I also don't think they came in me, but still, it's disconcerting. I hope that's the right word. I'm really tired. I didn't get much sleep and I don't want to sleep now. I'm determined to get my sleep pattern in check.

Oh right, I should probably discuss this as well. I hate guys. They make it so impossible to get over them. Earlier yesterday, I had convinced myself that I would waste no more time trying to get him to notice me, or find interest in me. And it was working. I stopped obsessing over him for at least half a day. But then we decided to go play pool, and he had to change into his formal attire (the guys on my floor have a theme for almost everyday, yesterday was Tie Saturday). As soon as he was dressed and ready to go, he walked out his door, pressed up against me, put his hand on my neck, fingers in my hair, and said "hey sexy". Just to show off his formal wear. He was all like, in his mock black voice, "Damn, you know girls love that". I had to laugh it off and swat him away, but I still can't forget the feeling of his hand on my neck. That dirty son of a bitch.

I think this is the last thing I need to write, then I think I'll watch Benny and Joon (great movie). Right, so me and blondie decided to prank the crippled ginger. There was a shopping cart in the hallway yesterday and we thought it'd be funny to put it in his room, take everything off his bed and shove it in the cart. So we did. He retaliated. Brought the cart to her room, locked a chair to it, and put it on her bed. Stupid strong boys -_-. So now we need to get back at him, but I don't know if I can or not because he'd taken my laptop, but then told me where it was. Does that void his taking it? I dunno, I suppose, but not really. I guess I'll just be an accomplice to blondie.

It's About Time To Throw In The Towel

Last one for tonight, I swear.

As per usual, I'm in his room right now. With his roommate. He's doing laundry, so I'm just working on his bed. His roommate turns to me and says "You know what would be cute?".

"No, what?"

"Him and her (this girl on our floor)"

-Silence-

"What don't you think so?"

"Uhm, yeah, sure, I suppose." -Silence-

"I'm kinda sad you don't agree with me."

"Really? How have you not noticed that I have a huge crush on him?"

"Oh. I don't think he notices you."

"Yeah, I know."

I had to leave the room to cry a little bit into the ottawaian's arms, but only after begging the roommate not to say anything to him. I'm pretty sure he will though. Fuck my life.

I just feel so stupid at this point in time.

I Don't HATE Chemistry

That's a lie, I do hate it, that's why I'm not taking it.

Just thought I'd mention this, I don't like feet. I think they look weird and creepy.

Yeah.

I Want To Sing, To You, My Love

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Dreams Are Rude

coin operated boy
sitting on the shelf he is just a toy
but i turn him on and he comes to life
automatic joy
that is why i want a coin operated boy

made of plastic and elastic
he is rugged and long-lasting
who could ever ever ask for more
love without complications galore
many shapes and weights to choose from
i will never leave my bedroom
i will never cry at night again
wrap my arms around him and pretend....

coin operated boy
all the other real ones that i destroy
cannot hold a candle to my new boy and i'll
never let him go and i'll never be alone
not with my coin operated boy......

this bridge was written to make you feel smittener
with my sad picture of girl getting bitterer
can you extract me from my plastic fantasy
i didnt think so but im still convinceable
will you persist even after i bet you
a billion dollars that i'll never love you
will you persist even after i kiss you
goodbye for the last time
will you keep on trying to prove it?
i'm dying to lose it...
i want it
i want you
i want a coin operated boy.

and if i had a star to wish on
for my life i cant imagine
any flesh and blood could be his match
i can even take him in the bath

coin operated boy
he may not be real experienced with girls
but i know he feels like a boy should feel
isnt that the point that is why i want a
coin operated boy
with his pretty coin operated voice
saying that he loves me that hes thinking of me
straight and to the point
that is why i want
a coin operated boy.

In case you're unaware, this IS NOT mine, it's the lyrics to one of the greatest songs ever, by The Dresden Dolls.

Costume Makes The Clown?

Kinda funny, the costume thing. This guy I know regularly looks.. regular, but as soon as he's in his "gaming clothes", (which happen to be no more then a random junk t-shirt and jeans) he just looks the part of the nerd he is being. Or is, rather. He's a huge nerd.

Anywho. I went home this weekend. Saw the family, made 250 in belated birthday monies, and got to chill avec mes amies for a bit. Was cool. Felt bad cause when I got back home (here home.. at school) my friend called me and bitched at me a bit for not visiting him. Which I felt bad for, but in my defense, I barely got to see anyone seeing as I only had half of Sunday for visiting. (Parents/family took up Friday and Saturday) Uhm uhm uhm. Don't know what else needs to be said. It's kinda upsetting how frequent this state happens to occur. I just, I dunno. It's like my smoking, now that I'm free to smoke/blog as I please, I do it less. I guess the blogging thing is a bit different, it's just that now that I have this freedom and these people to talk to about my life/problems, I don't really need to vent about them. Don't get me wrong, I still love writing and emptying myself fully and wholly into this blog, but I feel like my posts have been lacking depth. I don't remember the last "true to my feelings" "honest to my heart" blog post I wrote. I wonder if I've ever really written one of those. Hrm.

Ooh, completely irrelevant, (and kinda contradictory) I forgot to mention my bus ride with "that guy". That guy, of course, being the one I've become exasperated with as time progresses. Again, not fair to him, but it's not like he knows I'm getting frustrated with him, so meh. I JUST WISH HE'D NOTICE. *sigh*

Thing is, he'll make these comments and make it sound like he's interested. But then... Nothing. Par examplle, I asked him what kind of girl he was attracted to and in response he started describing me: short girls, with short dark brownish black hair, Persian, etc.

COMPLETELY DIFFERENT NOTE: I think that's the first time I've mentioned my ethnicity on this blog. WEIRD. To anyone reading this, please don't hold it against me. I, personally, am not particularly fond of Persians and do not enjoy being one. For the most part. I don't mind the language... or the dancing. Oh yeah, Persians like to dance. It's AWESOME. I absolutely adore going to legit Persian parties, with the loud, happy music and the energetic, flirty dancing. LOVE IT.

Right, what was I saying. Uhm, oh. Yeah, the comments.

Meh, you know what? I don't care.

That's such a lie.

I wish he'd notice me.

"Oh my gosh, you guys! He just, like, totally makes me all mushy inside! I just wish he'd like, notice me, you know? Like, I'm pretty, right? Like, I'm not, like, ugly, right? *sad face* He just, like, I don't know, he, like, totally needs to make up his mind. Or, like, get a clue."

-To be said in false, preteen girly accent in mockery of my utter patheticness.

By the way, I'd just like to mention that I did not degrade myself while with the blonde ottawaian's brother. I only had sex with him, and did not preform any other sexual acts with or for him.

My mum offered to let me see the shrink again. She ever so sweetly whispered it into my ear as I was innocently sitting on the couch reading "Comedy of Errors" for drama. Do I look like I need to return to the shrink? I AM NO LONGER INSANE.

Again, such a lie.

Plus, I kinda miss my shrink. Which, I might add, I constantly feel stupid for. Especially when I think of why it is I miss her: the reason being that she appeared to care about my issues; something any sane person would understand to be false. A shrink listening to your problems and commenting on them is not the equivalent to a friend that cares about you. The shrink is getting paid to care. There is no "friendship".

I miss her.

Don't know why I put air quotes on the term friendship.

I think I'm just tired. I wish I'd stop talking about myself. Or using the word "I". Or pronoun, rather.

Due to the fact that I've resorted to rambling, this blog post will end..

now.

In Do Do Dubitably

Guess what?

No, don't bother, I'm about to tell you, because this is just so epic that it must be told, not guessed.

I

Just

Wrote

A

THREE THOUSAND

Word

Essay

...

Holy

Fuck

I'm so incredibly proud of myself. I'd prize myself with sleep, but now I need to study for a test I have tomorrow. Just in case any highschoolers are reading this, DO NOT, EVER, COMPLAIN ABOUT TOO MUCH WORK IN HIGH SCHOOL.

I remember when I'd complain about a single assignment I had due that week: I feel stupid for that now. I'd willingly give... a piece of my hair.. in order to be back in that situation. Yeah, I don't think I'd give up a limb for it. BUT STILL. My point has been made.

ANYWHO. This is breaktime, so no thinking about negative shit like tests or essays. Or the fact that I might fail out of Latin.

SHUT UP.

Uhm, yeah, slowly drinking my Monster right now, waiting for it to take affect. This is probably going to be another all nighter. FML.

Right, positive thinking.

Uhm. Erm. Ugh.

My Camels (smokes) came in today, that was pretty exciting. I don't know why I never thought of ordering smokes online before. It's a shit load cheaper, and they don't ID. Brilliant.

What else?

Ooh!

Me, the Ottowaians and ginger cripple went out to the lake an hour ago, it was really pretty and we took incense with us and wine and Sourpuss and had a little celebratory party for the completion of my essay, which was fun. And, as per usual, I'm chilling in tall white boy and V's room, as they nerd out to video games in the dark. Fun stufff!!

Kay, I'm sorry, but I just don't get video games. What is the purpose behind pretending to be some random character while beating shit up, or trying to reach the goal or whatever it is the goal of that specific game happens to be. It's just pointless. Then again, I suppose alot of things are pointless, doesn't really change the fact that we enjoy wasting our time doing those things.

I need to stop arguing with myself, I'm wasting all my brain cells. Well, the few I haven't yet killed off with weed, cigs, and alcohol.

I hate blondie from Ottawa right now, rawr... she got the idea of me and D (one night stand guy) in my head and I just can't get it out. I don't know if it's just cause I was high or what, but he was just SO PERFECT. Yum.

No. Bad. Stop.

Shit, kay, this needs to end before I dwell on it for any longer. Time to start studying!!

Oh boy, this is going to be a long night.

We Are The Waterloo Warriors

The title, as is usually the case, is irrelevant. I was just noting the banner my friend's got up in his room.

I've been spending way too much time here. I can't help it, I just keep finding things I need to say; plus, I really don't want to write my essay. I have another 2000 words to write.

In regards to my essay, I'm finding I can almost relate to the character I'm analyzing. She's lonely and delusional. I often find myself in much the same boat. And she's an English teacher! Who'd have thunk it. Maybe this is like the story of my life. I'm going to be out of the latest trend forever, I'll spend my days teaching English, and reading to people at an old folks home, and then every Sunday I'll go people watching. Analyze and make up stories for the people I see. Then, one day, someone will do the same to me, and they'll be talking to their friend about the lame chick in the weird outfit who's always here by herself. And I'll feel like crap about myself and commit suicide while thinking that my clothes are crying for me.

Wow, that was way more depressing then I'd been planning on going with it. Uhm, on another note, I just went out for a smoke with salesman and he's absolutely fascinating. I'd love to just study him. Make that my life's goal: understand salesman's brain. He's great to talk to though, he'll listen to what you have to say and actually listen, and then give you actual feedback! He'll explain to you the idea he has about how men and women are actually different and how that relates to whatever it is you're talking about (that was just an example, we were talking about something that related to men and women/relationships/etc.)

Ugh, fucking engineers. I swear, how do these people have time to get drunk on a Tuesday night? Not fair -_-

I'm Having A Day From Hell

It wasn't going so well (before you came)

And you told me you needed space,

With a kiss on the side my face (not again)

And not to mention (the tears I shed)

But I should have kicked your (ass instead)

Don't know why that song is in my head, haven't heard it in a while, great song though. Speaking of songs, let me quickly get to the purpose of this post, because I don't have much time to waste tonight. Remember my rant about the roomie? It just got worse.

Having gone to bed at 5 AM last night, I was planning on sleeping nicely, waking up 10 minutes before class and then leaving. Want to know what happened instead? I was woken up, at 8 or 9 in the AM to the sound of a recording of her voice yelling at her to wake up. Fuck my life. Who does that?! Like, really? Would a normal alarm clock really be all that bad? I mean, I've got one too, it plays music. Most people can wake up to less vulgar things. A recording of her shrill voice, screeching incessantly to GET UPPP. WAKE UP M, IT'S TIME TO GO TO CLASS, WAKE UP M, GET UPPPPP. Just repeat that about 10 to 20 times and that's what woke me up this morning. And then, after I get up, I realize I've gotten a bit of a sore throat. Why? Because I didn't realize she'd left the window open. Again. Plus our room smelled like whatever Asian food it was she threw out a couple days ago.

*Sigh*. I swear, I'm not trying to be a bitch about this, it's just a lot to deal with. And it's just my luck too. Everyone else got a fairly normal roommate, why was I the odd one out? Whatever, I mean, so long as I can vent about it here, I'm sure I can deal with her for the rest of the year. Holy Fuck.

Kay, time to try this essay again.

Oh wait, one last thing. I may have to drop Latin. I talked to the professor today, and he said that I might be able to pass the course, but the final exam may screw me over (I'm paraphrasing), luckily the drop date has been mover to Nov 19th, meaning I can drop it without it having too negative an effect on my average. I hope. He said I should try and see if I can improve at all within the next week and depending on that we'll see if I drop or not. I'm quite certain I'll be dropping. I texted my mom about it and she was surprisingly good. She didn't yell at me or anything, just said that it was my decision, and that I should try and see what happens, worse comes to worst, I drop. I was genuinely and pleasantly surprised by her response. Had I still been living at home, I guarantee she would not have been so accommodating and we'd have ended up in one of our lovely arguments.

Alright, now that I've got all this off my chest, I can go back to writing my essay. I can do this! I believe in myself!

Wooot!

I Am Invincible

So apparently sleep is not gonna happen right now, because the guys whose room I'm in now saw the blog post I was writing and decided that they deserved an entire post dedicated to them. Here I go:

I am in the room of short asian man V, and crazy tall (handsome) white man (Jackass). I don't quite now what it is I'm supposed to say about them, they're pretty great. I love hanging out with them, despite the constant berating I get at their hands. There's a lot of comfortable chill times in here, we sit around doing homework, they occasionally join me out for a smoke, etc. They're sitting around talking about white boy's "torpedo dick" and how they're sure the second I see it, I'll fuck him. Yeah, these are the people I spend my time with.

As I did say, I'm fairly tired and thinking isn't working for me so much. (Pretty sure that's grammaticality incorrect). Wow, this is hard. (Lol, that's what she said).

INTERVIEW TIMEEE!

White Boy

Favorite Color: Transparent

Favorite Class: Math

Favorite Position: Reverse German Chestnut Oyster

Favorite Food: V

Favorite Roommate: Not V

Favorite Band: Radiohead

Sexual Orientation: Questionable

Bedtime: 4 in the AM

Short Asian Man (V):

Favorite Color:Red

Favorite Class: Biology

Favorite Position: Dirty Dutch Sanchez Superman Angry Pirate

(V likes it crazy, white boy beware)

Favorite Food: Pizzas

Favorite Roommate: Ottawaians

Favorite Band: Japanese Music

Sexual Orientation: Tree Cross Dresser/Necrophilic Cross Dresser

Bedtime: 10 PM (This is a Lie)

That's basically them in a nutshell ;)

Aren't they the most greatest of them all?

Procrastination Is The Equivalent of Blogging

I do not feel like writing my 3000 word English essay. Besides, it's not due till Wednesday. And I haven't written in here in a while. I missed you, dear friend. (Sorry, still kinda in the character of Miss Brill.. part of my essay). Honestly, I figured that if I just started writing, it would all just come to me. It's just not. I don't know what this character would think about, it's a fucking short story, we don't actually know anything about this character. WHAT THE FUCK.

Rawr.

Kay, anywho. While I'm here, might as well jot down my most recent (idiotic) exploits. To begin with, I slept with my friends brother. While he was visiting her for her birthday. Stupid. Actually, it wasn't so "pretty" as "slept with". It was more just.. fucked. Plus, afterwards, as I slowly sobered up, I met this guy D who I got to talking with. We decided to get high and watch Across The Universe, but ended up sleeping together instead. This time it was actually more.. romantic? And we, very cutely, walked to his room sneaking kisses and then undressing etc etc. And then the next night, I, once again, got fairly intoxicated, joined my friend in trying to convince this guy into a threesome with us. He was too drunk and actually turned us down, which was weird, but lead to my first actual lesbian experience.

Moving on, I had a little mini breakdown.. yesterday? I think, can't remember. I just started crying randomly because I'm getting tired of him not noticing me. Or not noticing that I've been hitting on him since... dunno when, actually. Been a little while now. Ugh. I suppose it's stupid for me to be mad at him for it, he hasn't actually done anything wrong, other than be oblivious. Whatever, maybe I'll just try to forget about it.

Key word there: try.

Uhm, what else?? Schools being a bitch, so much work to do, and I'm already freaking out about the exams we've got coming up. I'm kinda scared that I'm going to become part of the statistics of people who fail out of university in their first year. And I really don't want that to happen. I suddenly have this new life, and I don't know how I'd be able to give it up. It'd be next to impossible trying to get reused to living at home again. BLARG. Don't think like that. It's stupid, I can definitely get through university. I can live my own life.

But then I start thinking about it and wonder why. What exactly is the purpose of this? We spend a shit ton of money, time and effort into getting a university degree, and then spend a good chunk of our lives trying to pay off that debt.

Kay, really getting tired of this. I mean, he's even jokingly mentioned that I've got a crush on him, there's no way he doesn't know.

Granted, that could be/is probably just him mocking me, as many people tend to do, not sure why, think I'm just an easy target. Meh, doesn't bother me much, just annoyed that he can't see what's under his nose.

I know the girl I slept with (I don't have a nickname for her yet) is probably wrong, but I can't help thinking about what she'd said, that I'm the kind of girl to change for a guy. Maybe she's right? All I had said was that I need to stop dressing so sloppily, that I should put some effort in looking presentable. That's not really "changing" per say, right?

Lol, I'm so good at rambling about bullcrap here, but as soon as it's for my essay, nothing. Figures.

Looking at what I wrote so far, I'm kinda surprised, I didn't know I had this much to let out. Weird.

What elseeee? My ottowaian friends (shut up, I know how wrong that looks, I just don't care right now) are really great, I love having them around, they just help and I feel so comfortable talking to them. Everyone on our floor really, I know I said that I thought we might all just hate each other, but I've kinda started looking at us more as this weird huge family. Like all our homework parties are just family time, you know?

In regards to telling people everything, it appears I'm really good at it. I've been telling this guy everything, and I don't know why, it's so stupid, it's not like he's gonna suddenly be interested in me if he know's I'm a huge slut.

Is it bad that I refer to myself as a slut? I mean, I don't necessarily see it as a derogatory term, it's more of an observation. And in terms of observing, it's the closest fit. No?

Hmmmmm, rightt. Roommate. I swear, this girl is driving me up the wall. I know I was saying how I love her and all, and I do, I have to if I'm going to live with her, but she's just so... she never leaves the room, the windows always open (and it's fucking winter). WTF? She'll sit at her desk, all fucking day, wearing a fucking winter jacket, windows open, lights out, phone on. Non stop. Either the girl is on the phone talking to one of her friends about some stupid drama she thinks she's going through, something about a stalker she thinks she has, dunno exactly.

There was a shitload else I'd had written, but my internet sucks and refused to save what I'd had down. I'm pretty sure it was mainly the thing about the e-mail my ex sent me, about all the things he dislikes about me, or the way I behave, or something else along those lines, but having already typed that out once, I don't really have the strength in me to re-type it. Plus, I feel really bad cause I'm in my friend's room, cause I dislike mine, and I'm pretty sure he wants to sleep. Besides, I'm tired, so goodnight, and hopefully I'll get a chance to write more soontimes.

Eyes Closed Tightly, March On Blindly

I'm tired.

I had a great idea about a poem on materialism today, but that was a good.. 6 hours ago, so it's completely gone. On the plus side, there's a great women's studies assignment coming up, I've chosen the topic of push-up bras; basically I get to vent about how angry they make.

Look for the girl with broken smile,

ask her if she wants to stay for a while.

And she will be loved.

It's not always rainbows and butterflies,

it's compromise that moves us along.

Love that song, makes me tear up every time. I keep avoiding what it is I actually want to talk about. I don't know what that is, actually, I just feel the need to talk. Or write. Same thing, really. Either way, I need to let some of myself out. There's no real exciting social news for me to share, or anything else of importance. I talked to the ginger for the first time in a little while last night, I miss her. I miss home a little bit to be honest. I kinda miss having people taking care of me, or fussing over me. I don't know if I actually mean this or not, I just know that I feel like something is missing. That's not to say I want to go home, or lose this wonderful freedom, nononono, not at all. Just, I dunno, it's weird. Then there are occasions when I feel like all of us on the floor actually hate each other and are just pretending to get along.

I'm sure this is not true. I hope.

Kay, I'm just depressing myself at this rate, I think I'll stop.

Ooh, no, wait, forgot to mention. Met this great guy in my women's studies class. Met through a group assignment thing, and it just blossomed from there. He's quite pleasant to be around.

Kay, time to go get high. Nice talking with you though :)

Making My Way Through The Crowd

And I need you,

and I miss you.

Uhm, I'm 18! And pleased, and having a great time procrastinating. Plus, I just found the most beautiful man ever on Facebook, and came a little bit while face-stalking him. I'm totally kidding. But not really :)

ANYWHO. Sexy Halloween costume shopping tomorrow.. well, today. So excited (I'm so excitedd, I just can't hide it..) and Birthday shots.. tonight? Yes. Awsomesauce.

I really need to start doing my work. On the plus side, I actually read the play I need to read for Drama. Which is a start. Now I need to answer the question due for Tuesday. Arg.

Ugh, and I need to do my essays. And the Medieval assignment shit. Oh pooey.

I'm no longer pleased.

No, that's a lie. I'm in an overall good mood. Plus, I found some awesome webcomics I suggest you check out. ..I don't know how to add links in here. So listen to the elevator music playing in your head as I try to figure this out.

..

....

..

.

..

And Voila!

http://rosalarian.com/yume/?p=1

http://rosalarian.com/comics/

http://comics.600poundgorilla.com/?p=41

http://rosalarian.com/meatyyogurt/2010/10/01/starting-things-off-with-a-bang-4/

Hmm, that was actually pretty easy.

Yeah, basically, I'm a huge fan of Rosalarian.

Or Megan, whatever it is she goes by. She's brilliant.

Kay, I think I'm done. There was definitely more I wanted to write, but I can't remember what it was. So goodnight to you. Or good day, rather :)

Midterms, Movies and Musicals

Midterms are done, well, mine are at any rate, and I should be ecstatic, right? Nopeee. NOWW I need to work on my numerous assignments, essays and of course, Latin. Uggghhh.
Don't get me wrong, I do want to learn latin, and it'd be of much use to me should I choose to continue in this path towards becoming an English professor, but it takes up so much time, and theres a fucking language barrier between the class and the prof. Plus, I've spent so much time studying latin that I haven't even begun on the essays I have due in november.

Speaking of, I finally picked a topic for my women's studies essay. Well, I thought of topics. Haven't picked one yet. I'm planning on talking to the WS prof tonight after our lecture.

My british friend is nagging me cause I've not technically written anything about him other then in my list of (amazing) people met in Uni. So now I need to dedicate this to him, which I suppose is appropriate because the term "musical" is in the title. With this said, let me explain.
This brit began to be my friend on a night when we were both quite drunk and we decided to be, wait for it...
DRUNK BUDDIES!!!!
Oh ma gawd, yes. And so it began. We were drunk buddies and ran around singing at the top of our lungs. This has becme routine for us and we take it past drunkeness to just about any loud singing, anywhere. It's quite pleasant and highly entertaining. He's a mathie, by the way.

Quickly now, before I scamper off to be studious, let me say (for it appears I'd forgotten to mention), I've got a tattoo.
What?
Didn't read that right, did you.
It says:
I'VE GOT A TATTOO.

No, you read it right :)

Life Is Like A Handbook Of Literay Terms

This is a lie, unless you can find a way for it to be so, in which case it would be. Fair enough? I believe so.
You know what's unfortunate?
Midterms.
You know what else is unfortunate?
Procrastination.

I miss my friends. I miss my life. I miss being able to call the redhead at 3 in the morning and say, "I need to talk to you right now." Or better yet, just calling each other and having nonsensical conversations about how we would make a great comedy show should we ever be filmed.
Despite how great university life is, and how much I love the freedom and new great friends, I can't help but feel like something is missing. There is this empty little spot somewhere in me. I don't even know what it was full of before, but I can assure you, it was full.

On a brighter note, I don't believe I've introduced you to all my new friends yet.
Let's see. There are the two girls from Ottawa who I've fallen in love with, don't know what we'll refer to them as individually, but that'll come in time, as it will for everyone else I'm about to mention. There is the short Asian man we call V, the break dancing Asian man, the crippled redhead (he broke his collarbone, so we're referring to him as crippled atm), the ridiculously tall (handsome) white man, the salesman, the Brits, the Persian douche (who I am slowly learning to get used to), Dubai, the adorably naive white man (who Blondie from Ottawa is dating right now), my roomate (who I've mentioned before, I believe), Justin Bieber (sp?), Asthma, the brown girls who make me laugh, the Asian girl in my WS class (love her) and, uhm, I'm sure there's a ton more, but these are the one's from my floor and the only one's that come to mind at the current time of 4:14 in the morning.

Arggg, it's 4:14. That's not good.
Unfortunately, due to the fact that I need to write a midterm in 6 hours, I'm gonna wrap this up and attempt to work on it once more in the near future.
NIGHTT.
Well, not actually, but goodnight to this post and back to studying for ze midterm. (OH MA GAWWDD, SO MUCH FUNNNN!!)

Thoughts of Obscurity (Obscure Thoughts?)

"It's easy to talk about yourself, to express your innermost feelings on paper with words, what great poets write of goes further then the self. They focus on the bigger pictures and tackle such situations through beautiful words".

I scribbled this in my notebook during an English lecture that bothered me a little bit. It wasn't so much the lecture itself that bothered me as it was this fact. The fact that "Real poets focus on the bigger picture." Don't get me wrong, I never considered myself a "real poet" but I did think I could write (a little bit) and enjoyed this fact. Now that I look at it, it's beyond petty and I genuinley dislike this.
I suppose, I know, I have considered this before, and yet nothing had come from this realization. I highly doubt anything will come of this either, but it makes me feel better venting about what I dislike of myself.

URGGGGG.
Kay, done.
BACK TO STUDYING FOR MIDTERMS (OH MA GAWDD).
Lawl, studiosity for the win.

He's My Panda

I was in a particularly strange mood tonight. It was hard to explain to myself, and I figured where better to indulge in self exploration then here?
A couple of us decided not to sleep tonight, it is currently 7 o'clock in the morning and I'm still wide awake. The sun was just rising, and I was too lazy to get up and watch it, despite how beautiful I have no doubt that it is.
At any rate, on to my self exploration. I was thinking today about myself, the image I portray, the behavour I emit, etc. and I don't think I'm quite pleased with myself. It's quite unfortunate seeing as I need to be around myself so very often. The fact that I'm a huge slut and tend to do things so that other people will think of me in a certain way, I don't even know why I would want them to think of me like that anyways. (I apologize, I realize this isn't quite coherent, but in my defense, I am running on no sleep and have massive bags under my eyes).
Right, back on track. I realized that the only people on my floor that I'm even remotely attracted to are the two guys who are already in relationships. One of them more then the other, I think, I'm actually quite fond of him. More than a fondness though, it's strange. I can't quite explain what it is that makes me feel so attracted to him.
I met his girlfriend tonight, she's a sweetheart, I bet that had we gone to school together we'd have been best friends.
Kay, I've completely lost my train of thought, my friend just asked me to write a conclusion for her Shakespeare essay. I'll try this again at another point in time.

How Do You Know If You Need To Pee or Go Period?

So I hate that I've not been writing, like at all, so I'm trying to mend that a little bit right now. Theres so much shit going on right now, I don't even know where to start. Let's see.
First, let's write the stuff I already have, some random things I was writing during WS (women's studies) last week.
"There are a lot of angry women in this class. I'm really interested to see how this is going to affect me. I can't wait to get to writing about this stuff."
"Heavisyde- Is your shirt suddenly creative because you rearranged the letters?:S"
"Why am I a feminist?"
"Cavewoman says to her mate 'WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU PLANT IN ME? WHY AM I GETTING SO FAT. YOU DID THIS TO ME YOU FUCKING JACKASS, DON'T TOUCH ME.'"

Lawl, I like that last one. It was funnier in my head though. At any rate, that's it for the random notes. Now it's recounts.
Basically, I love university, it's so different from what I'm used to and I love meeting new people and socializing with EVERYBODY. It's great. The only downfall is the need to be responsible in terms of school work and the need to watch what and how much you spend. Unfortunately, I suck at both these things.
In fact, just this weekend, friday to monday, I spent a good 100 bucks on a trip to Queens university.
"Oh? Queens, you say? Why would you do a thing like that?" You may ask. The reason, quite simply is: Why not?
Nah, me and my bestie went together for her birthday (she goes to Guelph) and she knows a bunch of people there, and I know a couple too. We stayed at her friends place, he is an absolute sweetheart. He totally took complete care of us the entire time, watched us when we were drunk, made sure we were ok the entire time, made sure we weren't wanting for anything. In short, (which is ironic because he is quite tall), he was the perfect host. The friday night we got there, we immediately set to getting drunk, and then I met with my dear old FB and we spent the night together. No, not sex, but plenty of other beautiful stuff. The second day we decided to make jello shots and then give free hugs before getting completely wasted and partying all night. We made our signs, dealt with a really creepy guy (who touched/brushed my boob =O) and a bunch of lame people who just walked away, ignored us or laughed, but ended off happy with a good ratio of about 2 hugs per minute. Not too shabbeh. Uhm, right, that night we went in search of a party, found one, ended up moving all over the place on account of residential authorities (dons). We got wasted, tried ABSINTHE (yes, I know, holy fuck), got fucked, got high, and then (I) literally got fucked. Wanna guess where? You might remember this from multiple times before. Don't know?
The girls bathroom. More specifically, the girls bathroom floor. Yes, my back is still aching from it.
Plus, the next day, me and the bestie tried counting the number of hookups I rushed through during the weekend. I will now proceed to list them in chronological order:
1. FB
2. Bestie
3. The guy with the gum.
4. The girl with gum.
5. The Norwegian guy from the bathroom.

I'm gonna try to wrap this up now, cause it's taking pretty long. Basically, after that crazy weekend, we tried getting back to school for sunday night, but I missed my bus back to Waterloo from Guelph, and then missed the morning one as well on account of a faulty alarm clock. After much searching and many tears, (I really just wanted to get home at this point), I managed to find a GO bus that would take me to Waterloo with just one transfer. I got the early ride (11:45) and waited around for a good hour for the next bus to come. In that hour, I somehow managed to lose my transfer ticket. Figures, nothing wants to work for me at this point. The bus gets to the stop, I explain that I lost m ticket but that I have the receipt and the driver thinks about it for a bit and finally decides it seems legit.
I finally get home only to go to a massive poster sale and spend ANOTHER 50 bucks on posters. FML.
On the plus side, my room now looks great. I've got the entire wall and a good portion of the ceiling covered in beautiful images. I love it.

I wanted to go into a whole little thing about how much I love all the new people I've met here, and all the drama going on on our floor, but I think I'll save that for next time.

My Love, You Must Part

Guess what?

I'm in a fight with my mum. Shocking, right? I mean, it's next to impossible to imagine that me and my darling mother wold ever have anything to argue about, especially with the newfound distance between us. And yet, here we are. Currently arguing through text, after a lengthy phone fight. Pleasant, no?

I'd hoped that I'd manage at least a couple months before letting my new frineds watch me cry.

Apparently I'm Brilliant Whilst High

Who'dve thunk it, right?
I don't remeber wat brilliance I was experiencing while sitting in the car with my dad for the two hours it took to get back to Waterloo, I just know that I was absolutely fascinated by the thoughts running through my head. Andd, apparently, my parents are living with some deep dark secret. My dad said that when I'm older he'll tell me about the secret. He was really weird about it though, like, I can't even explain it.
Yeah, I'd gone home for the weekend, saw Cirque de Soliel, went paintballing and saw the truly entertaining film, Easy A. I had a blast and a half. Then, half an hour before I had to leave, I figured I had enough time to get high. I was terribly mistaken.
I wish I could remember what it was I was thinking at in the car.
I swear it was fascinating.
Anywho, I can think of nothing but what I wish I could remember.
Tata for now.

And I'll Just Be Like "OH MA GAWD"

So.
Despite my earlier rant about missing this blog, I appear to have lost the habit of regular writing. Unfortunate, no? At any rate, I am trying to get back into the cycle. I'll start by telling you all about Uni.
I'm having a blast. I've met a bunch of cool people, earned a new nickname, gotten drunk (repeatedly), gotten high (repeatedly) and had sex. Well, almost. Poor thing. It was his first time. He couldn't get it up right. *sigh* Plus, I hooked up.. kinda, on the dancefloor, so more grinding but with a lot of grabbing of my anatomy. ANND, it was really really awkward cause I saw him today at his residence. I'm hoping he didn't recognize me. Lol, I've forgotten both their names. Woww.

Uhmmm. Moving on.. right, my classes. I'm majoring in English atm, and am taking art history, classical studies, drama, and womens studies alongside. I went to the womens studies class for the first time this week and it was absolutely fascinating. There were alot of really angry, frustrated and determined women there. About 130. And then there were like.. 10? guys. If even. One made a stupid comment and had to face the wrath of about 130 girls. I laughed. I think I'm going to get particularly confused about a lot of things while in the class. And likely be faced with numerous intriguing thoughts. I'm so excited.

Too Long, Too Long

My dear friend, oh how I have missed you. You know not of the madness I have seen since last we spoke. I ask not but forgiveness for having left you so long. I assure you that it was by no fault of my own. My parents, you see, have a stick up their behinds.
Lol, in all seriousness, I've missed this. The reason I've been away so long is that my parents were being.. themselves and were stalking me (I may have mentioned this before, if so, bear with me once more).
You know what, nahhh, I was away too long to actually try to explain everything and catch up. I think I'm gonna just.. start afresh.
I just moved into res today, Waterloo Univserity, frosh week starts. I met some cool people tonight and we went searching for parties all night. Ended up finding this massive sausage fest, which was lame, so we ditched and found some weed.
Got seriously fucked.. don't think roomie dearest likes it much. But no, she's really cool. Not too social, but really sweet, and yeah. She seems cool.
I'm dead tired, so I'm gonna leave this intro short and sweet and try to find time to write more at a later date.
Tata for now

I Solemnly Swear I'm Up To No Good

We got a puppy yesterday. I want to name him Fish, but they won't let. I'm ok with Ozzy too.
But yeah, I was all excited cause he's really cute, and so energetic and playful. I woke up at 6 in the morning cause of him and didn't even mind. That's how cute he is. Granted, my cat hates him, but that's only to be expected.
So today, my parents came home with a cage. And a collar. Apparently, my parents are all keen on having a "good dog". So, we need to go through this training process which basically consists of sticking a 6 week old puppy in a cage, putting a collar on him, and ignoring his cries. I was just crying cause of it and my parents think I'm being melodramatic.
I hate this.

I suppose it makes sense that you would put a dog in a cage, but, I mean, he's just a baby! We've already taken him from his mother, couldn't we at least cuddle him and treat him like the baby he is for a little bit before training him? Yeah, I guess it was melodramatic to cry about it, but you should have seen him. He was in the cage, crying, trying to get out, and looking at you with those eyes. It was torture.

Currently, I'm conversing with my friend about love, and whether or not it exists, which is interesting. Apparently, he's been in love.
Not sure how I feel about the concept. It's got to exist though, right?

Worry Worthy?

Kay, I swear I'm not being clingy, I'm just genuinely concerned for his well-being.
I mean, he usually calls if he's not gonna visit, or he comes visit, or we talk online.
I haven't' heard from him all day, ANDD, we didn't even talk last night (I don't think).
Plus, he's not picking up the phone, and I don't know what to do.

I'm kinda scared :(

But no, I'm being stupid, right? I mean, he's totally fine. He probably just forgot to tell me he's busy, or something like that. Right??

HAPPY FOUR TWENTY!!!!!

Five exclamation points, the sign of a true madman.

Uh huh, well, too bad I'm not crazy. (I swear I'm not, even the rapist agrees, I'm just "quirky"). Shrinking tomorrow!!! Oh boy, oh boy.

Erm, yeah, don't have enough time for a legitimate post tonight, but I felt like writing a post for four twenty, which is cause for taking some time out and reflecting (or smoking a joint). Plus, I feel the need to share an entertaining story about law class today.
My teacher was roleplaying a scene this scene (cause we were talking about AIDs)
Girl: Ooh, baby, let's go get freaky.
Guy: Mmmm, ooh, wait, babe, I should probably let you know, I've got the HIV.
Girl:Oh. Uhm, well then. I need to go... wash my hair.

Thing is, just as he was thinking up an excuse for the girl to get away, I called what he was going to say and we ended up saying "wash my hair" at the exact same time. Everyone turns around, looks at me, and we all burst out laughing. "Bahahahha, she's definitely used that excuse before!". It was entertaining. AND THEN we decided that our law teacher resembles the Crimson Chin from "Fairly Odd Parents".

Hahah, and, there was an awkward encounter today, between me, my ex and my other ex. I had left class "to go to the bathroom" and out in the hallway, I see the two of them just chatting. Not interested in joining the conversation, I attempt to walk past them, but they see me and one calls me over, "Hey whore". "Hey slut" I reply. The other one was all shocked, "You call her a whore?". To which he replies "duh" and the conversation goes on, we exchange hugs, I get lifted, tickled, poked, and squished once more, and then I escape, only to be dragged back for another hug (I'd forgotten to hug the other ex). I then escape, run away, find another friend, and as me and him are walking back to class, one of the ex's is headed in our direction. We stop to talk again, and he (ever so sweetly) tries to ask if the friend is my boyfriend. I'm pretty sure I saw jealousy. Lol, but that's only cause this is the ex who was trying to push for the hookup. Hahah, yeah, I love highschool. It is SO entertaining.

Oh, and, uhm, apparently, my boyfriend's falling for me.

Too Bad He Doesn’t Sparkle

Hahaha, so, my friend thinks he looks like a vampire (apparently you’ve got “fangs”), ANNDD, he was afraid of the sun today. Hmmmmm. She suggests I throw sparkles at him. Which I just so happen to have in my presence (convenient, no?). Mmmm, I do enjoy being with him (I wasn’t gonna do the play by play mushy teenager talk, but this is necessary).

No, I change my mind, it’s not (as it will only inflate his ego).

Uhm, on another note, I absolutely hate my parents right now. Moms not talking to anyone right now (I don’t even know why she’s angry this time) and dad’s a creepy stalker jackass. Fucking came to check up on me today! I mean, honestly? I got so pissed off, it was so uncalled for. Then, he had the balls to yell at me when I got home. UGHHHHH. -_-.

On a brighter note, I can finally have a good nights’ rest tonight. All the most recent projects and tests are done with right now, so I get a nice break for a little bit, and then I get to work on a couple thousand more projects this weekend. I do not like school work. ANNDDD, I’m still sore from the gym on Monday (that’s what we get for actually trying to have a serious workout).

So far my biggest mistake, is when I did it all for nothing.

Abehdeh

This was supposed to be a peaceful post, titled "Mmmm", with the sole content being "Contentment". However, I must now rant about how stupid the male species is, and how irked I am by them.
Well, no, that's not fair.
I'm not irked at the species in general. Just my ex, who decided he was bored and wanted to have some fun (again), so started talking to me again. This doesn't bother me so much. What bothers me is how fake some people can be in order to get what they want. For example, he wants to hook up again, but wants it to look casual, so instead he suggests we "hang out". Then, in order to get on my good side, and have me look upon him favorably, he tells me how much he misses me. He then attempts to compliment me with "I miss talking to you, you're not like other girls who don't use their brains". Uhhhmmm, kay? Thanks, I guess.
Actually, no, despite it's fakeness, that "compliment" was a nice touch.
Either way, not only does he have horrible timing, but I'm now beginning to see what the rapist means when she says I've become cynical in regards to guys, and what she means when she says that I let myself be used. Ugghhhh.
Wish I could talk more, but I've got a law test tomorrow, and had about two hours of sleep last night.
I don't know how this is going to work.

Smells Like Piss, This is Piss

Who Says This?

Tee-hee, I'm IN LOVE with the Sweeney Todd Soundtrack. Priceless.
Thought I'd let you know, my hair has been a cut once a more. (That sounds more intense in the weird accent thingy I'm using right now). But yes, it is cut, and at first I hated it, but I think it's growing on me.. it's a cute little bob type cut. Not too shabbehh.

I need to dye my eyebrows.
And work on my english project.
And reshape my eyebrows.
And work on my human growth project.
(Can't think of anything else to do to my eyebrows).
And work on my other english project.

I'ma gonna be a busy beeeeeeeee.

This Has Been Long Overdue

So, after Valentine's Day, I had to write an essay about a turning point in my life. I figured what better then my recent attempt?
However, I couldn't bring myself to share that essay with anyone. I feel like it's about time I did.
So here it is:

Turning Points Essay
Suicide is considered to be a feeble attempt at escaping reality. Attempted suicide, on the other hand, is a pathetic reason to remain alive. It leaves the person at hand in a state of anguish, feeling remorse at having failed so simple a task, but without the strength to try again. An upsetting statistic is all we are afterwards. A statistic of eight. Eight attempted suicides per each completed. All I was afterwards. One of eight unfortunate folk envious of the ninth who happened to be successful and thus no longer on this Earth.
What I don’t understand is why people fear death. After all, it is the one thing we can be sure of. The one thing we can be dependent on. Yet, we all fear it, thinking of it as an unknown rather than a certainty. So, the question remains; if death is so definite to occur, what then is the remaining variable? I suppose the unknown would be “what happens next”? A question that I, whether fortunately or unfortunately, do not have the answer to.
I do, however, have the answer to the questions racing through your head right now. What would drive a person towards such a weak escape? I suppose in order for you to truly understand how I felt right before I emptied my cupped hand into my mouth, I’d need to go back a couple years and discuss the numerous arguments and fights that drove me to the conclusion that suicide was my only option. However, for the sake of time, we’ll only turn the clock back to the beginning of the month.
To begin with, my parents, like the majority of foreign parents, had little trust in me, and were against the concept of “average teenage behavior”. Going to parties, staying out late, even sleeping over at a good friend’s house; these were all taboo. I believe it was because I was so restricted that I decided to act out, to attempt to experience everything I was “supposed” to experience. I needed to have something in my life that was under my control. Since my first year of high school, I’d been behaving recklessly. The most recent and the technical cause for my moment of weakness was a party I’d gone to.
Having convinced my parents that it was an all girls sleepover party, with one of my close friends and a couple of her other friends, I managed to manipulate my parents into letting me go. The party was a wild one, one of the worst I’ve been to. The overpowering scent of alcohol, cigarettes, vanilla flavored cigars, and marijuana left everyone in a state of frenzy. At about four in the morning, people were beginning to pass out, the majority of the guests gone. I woke up about three hours later, only to find my hostess cleaning the house frantically. A couple hours later, the house was clean with my assistance, and my father was on his way to pick me up. As I stepped into the car, my dad looked at me, and I could see the suspicion in his face. I didn’t realize how strong the smell of the party was, nor did I realize how thoroughly the scent had stuck to my jacket.
It wasn’t until a couple days later that my parents confronted me with their suspicions. They told me that they thought I was using “illegal substances” and they wanted to have me do a drug test at the police station. Without going into detail, I can say that they learnt about a lot of things the next couple days, things that shocked and disappointed them. Due to this, they lost all trust and faith in me. Everything went downhill from there. Arguments were raging, threats were thrown, and not just between my parents and I. The situation was taking its toll on my parents and their relationship as well. My father’s health was in jeopardy, my mother was keeping a strong front, but we could all see that she was crumbling.
It was around this time, on Valentine’s Day to be exact, that another argument ensued. This time I was listening to them tell me how disgusted they were by my actions, that they didn’t understand, that I was to blame for the destruction of our family. I felt like I was losing my mind; the only thing I had left and it too was leaving me. Beside me was the Advil bottle. In it were about twenty pills. Five of which were the prescribed pills the dentist had given me the day I had had my molars removed. There they sat, reminding me that I had other options. I didn’t have the strength the first time. The yelling continued. Nothing had been solved, no alternative solution suggested. Waiting for the moment my parents left my room, I knew what I wanted to do. Almost on impulse, opening the container, I emptied the contents into my mouth, and took a gulp of water. I was in shock.
They didn't yet know. I was almost at peace, thinking "I won't have to cry for much longer". I spent the rest of the day in a state of semi-consciousness; in and out of sleep all day. They soon found out, by putting one and one together. Knowing that I don't normally sleep much, and noticing how many Advils were missing, they figured it out.
Despite the hell we went through, a lesson was learnt and I was reshaped. Today, after some time, I recognize how fragile life can be, and try daily to become a different person. Not necessarily a better person, but a more accommodating one at least. After all, being an individual, and making your own decisions, isn’t always about being rebellious; and after being so close to losing everything, a person realizes that many things are more important than we initially gave them credit for.

Peach and Lemon Hate the Cold

ROFL. I'm so lame for putting that as the title, because no one will get the joke, unless Big Red were to read this, which she doesn't. Ah well, I will look at it and laugh, and reminisce.

But yeah, I felt the need to post something she had written about our twinlisness, it just makes PERFECT SENSE. And we were really proud of ourselved for understanding it. So I thought I'd share.
"Okay so I have this friend.She's pretty much the same person as me. Basically, we are a part of a different world; you know those angels and devils on peoples shoulders? Yeah, we're in the angel/devil world. And together, we make up one person in a bigger world,with features that combine the two of us. Soooo my friend called being the devil first, but that is not going to happen because we interchange angel and devil roles sooo sometimes I'm the angel, and sometimes she's the devil. And so the angel is sometimes the devil and the devil is sometimes the angel...and our host is just really stupid."

Beautiful, no?
We are absolutely genius.

The Worst Part About Crying in the Shower

Is not being able to wipe away your tears.

Haha, random (awkward) encounter today. At the gym, I ran into my ex boyfriend's best friend. At first I wasn't sure how I knew her, then it clicked and I regretted calling her over. Ughhh, that was uncomfortable. Especially because we were both pretending like nothing had ever happened, but we both knew inside, so we were secretly icky with each other. Yeah, girls are retarded.
However, we of the female species maintain that we ARE NOT nearly as retarded as those of the male species. It is fact, it is proven, and I happen to believe it with the whole of my being.

Uhm, moving on, I think I'm reverting back to my old routine, I want to stick to it this time. I'm actually trying to work on the weight thing (because that would probably assist the self-esteem thing).

Lastly, besides being angry and wanting to scream, I just realized (again) that I'm leaving here soon. Very soon. I'll move away a good hour's drive away, and I won't need to deal with any of the unpleasantness found in -- (my town).
And while we're on the general topic of anger and frustration, I'd like to mention to you that it'd be pleasant if you didn't interfere with how me and my best friend talk with each other. She understands perfectly well what my "get over it" was regarding. Thank you kindly :)

I lied one more thing. "Ughh" and "Uhm" and "Rawr" and "Urg" and all those words ARE WORDS. So it'd be greatly appreciated if spellcheck would FUCK OFF.

That is all :)
I'm contemplating watching Precious tonight. Hrmmm.

Mmm, Cheese.

How will I know,

The right way to love you?

I'm such a fool,

I'm such a fool,

I'm such a fool.

This one's out of my hands.

Practically positive that the majority of the female species can relate to that song.

I was *this* close to breaking down today.

I'm too proud to be pitied.

Besides which, I don't want pity, or sympathy.

I don't want it, and I don't need it.

By the way, you weren't online, and I can't go on the phone right now, so let me just say, before I forget, I'd rather you didn't chastise me on the way I speak with my best friend. You misunderstood my "get over it". The only reason I can comfortably tell her to "get over it" is because a) she knows that her nagging me every single day is just asking for me to snap at some point or other, and b) because she knows I'm not genuinely mad at her for nagging me. So you don't to jump up and defend her. She knows what I mean.

And, one more thing before I go:

I'm honestly worried. (I fear that my pride is getting the better of me here.)

As you are aware, I do have feelings for you. And, I care about you. You matter to me, much like the other important people in my life. However, I don't want your pity. If you sincerely believe that you're with me because you have feelings for me as well, then that's great, and we can have a happily ever after. But, if you think that you're doing it more so to give me that happiness, then I don't want it. I want to be liked for me, not pitied for my situation.

My Name Is Iris Chassidy

Hahaha, no, it's not, but how awesome would it be if it were?

Uhm, I'm feeling...
Conflicted?
Frustrated?
Confused?
Hurt?
Bored?
Tired of the same old thing?
Dealing with the same old thing?
Maybe even a little bit angry.

When will guys realize that they don't have to hurt the people who care about them. They don't have to plant these ridiculous seeds of doubt everywhere. They don't have to pretend like they don't care. They're allowed to feel genuine emotion, they're allowed to care about people, and actually let that person know.
Thing is, part of me doesn't actually care if I do doubt, just because I feel like, I'm helping him out, aren't I? Us being together, makes him feel better about himself, gives him a little bit of happiness. And if nothing else, I'm giving him something physically (or so I'd assume, seeing as he seems to enjoy certain things I do). Plus, just the fact that he thinks he's helping me by making me happy, that's also fairly therapeutic. None of this is to say I don't care for him, or I don't want to be with him. Oh nonononono. It's just, I have that feeling, where you know you're gonna get hurt. And I just feel like I should look at the situation before it happens. Cause, I feel almost certain, that whether he knows it yet or not, I'm gonna get hurt. Probably sooner then later.
I'm OK with that too. I can accept it, and deal with it when it comes my way (I've done it before, right? No big deal.)
Oh, I'm so bad at lying to myself :(

I don't want to click the "Post" button for this post. I don't know if I want him to read this, or know this. I'm almost certain he'll take it the wrong way. Which I suppose is why I'm writing it here rather than throwing it at his face (in the off chance that he won't read it).

Mm, and I really need to get over my self-esteem/confidence issues. It's really doing me absolutely no good.

Also, just thought I'd mention the beautiful day I had today, with rain, no school, and a feeble attempt at puzzle making. Fun stuff XD.

Dancing in The Snow

I was shrunk today, but it wasn’t actually that bad. Like, it was bearable. And it doesn’t hurt that the rapist is pretty much taking my side (though I think that’s just cause she’s doing her job.. hrrmm).
Yes, well, basically all we did was discuss the past, she asked questions, and now I’ve got another appointment in two weeks. Fun stuff. Even more exciting, is that
I TOOK A BUBBLE BATH.
Do you understand how incredible bubble baths are? I highly doubt you do. If you’ve never taken one, I must say, they are HIGHLY recommended. I don’t remember the last time I was as relaxed, and comfortable and warm. *Sigh*. Oh my goodness, it was like.. heaven.
Lame, I know, I just can’t think of anything else to describe the epicness of my bubble bath.
Erm, he came to see me today, and I look forward to spending the ENTIRE SCHOOL DAY with him tomorrow *YAY*, but today (which I enjoyed immensely) was just us sitting together, reading my law textbook (I had to study for a test). And it was just so peaceful, and pleasant; to explain how nice it was, I’m going to say this: I didn’t mind studying. Yeah, I know, bold words, but it’s true. That’s how much I enjoyed it.
I think it kinda reminded me of grade 8, when me and the then boyfriend would sit and read together during recess. Hahahaha, don’t judge me, I was little-_-.
Anywho, I’ve got little else to talk about, so I’m gonna go back to watching my movie. And if you haven’t seen it, I suggest you watch My Fair Lady, with Audrey Hepburn.
I <3 Audrey Hepburn.
Just saying.

Let's Use Jack Skellington Tape to Patch Up the Walls

So, I just COULD NOT wait for the next day. I was wayyy too excited when I realized this post would be the
ONE HUNDREDTH POST.
That's right! Oh Em Gee.
Wow, I did not know I was this energetic right now. Well, this is good (it'll help me get through the studying. Blarg -_-)
But yes, 100th post, I feel like it deserves something special.
I'm tempted to write a poem,
but I have no creative thoughts going through my head right now.. so I fear it'd be a HUGE disaster.
Uhm, OOH. I found anothere quotable notebook.. sentence.
Houses should have more windows. Less walls.

Lol, yeah, that's it.
I thought it was intense =D

Blissfully Blank

Just a few lyrics and stray thoughts right now. I had this song stuck in my head the majority of the day today, so I thought I'd share:

I want you to want me.
I need you to need me.
I'd love you to love me.
I'm begging you to beg me.
And so on and so on.

Those are really the only lines I had stuck in my head, and also the only lines that are particularly worth repeating.

Asides from those wise words, I thought I'd also type out some of the things I've found in my notebook.
Little girl points at Gryphon Mascot "That birdy can't fly!"
"No, sweetheart, he's grounded."

I change my mind. I do have stuff to write about. I’m so tired of this. I can’t stand it anymore. I’m going crazy, losing my mind. I don’t know what to do anymore. Anything looks more promising than this. I hate hating them, and I hate dealing with them, and I just don’t want to anymore. Except, it’s so much more than that. It’s not that I don’t want to deal with them, it’s that I can’t. I’m not kidding when I say I’m losing my mind. I mean, it can’t possibly be normal for a teenage girl to cry this much. It’s definitely not the “sane” way of handling oneself.
Without a word of a lie, I think I’m actually looking forward to seeing the rapist this week. Maybe she’ll have something useful to tell me, or help me find (as the rapists often do). Even if this week’s session isn’t beneficial, I can’t help but think that her office in itself is calming and pleasant. All the optical illusions she’s got hanging about, it feels.. pleasant, I suppose.
Moving on, I worry I’ve got attachment issues. As soon as I find myself caring for someone, I find myself also obsessing over them. Just today, I was in the worst mood just because he was late. Granted, I was only upset because I thought he wasn’t coming, but still. My mood shouldn’t be so easily dictated to me. It’s not right.
Uhm, what else?

Oh, hah. The jealous hookup guy was talking to me yesterday. Randomly messaged me on FB asking if I’d be interested in hooking up like before. So I asked “Haven’t you heard about me and him?”, to which he replied “I knew he was dating, just didn’t know it was you.” He then proceeds to pretty much guilt trip me for being in a relationship after having told him I wasn’t looking for one. Apparently, I’m really bad at reading people, and how they feel about me, because he then said “I just want you to know that I have and always will care about you”. Uhm, I’m not sure as to the exact wording. He may have said “care”, but I think he actually said “love”. Can’t remember. I do know that he definitely did say he loved me. I really didn’t know how to reply to that. Again, it seems I’ve just got the worst luck in these regards.

Mmm, this is such a great song: Fast Car by Tracy Chapman.
This song makes me cry.

What else? Hahahaha, I keep having this image in my head of him driving me to my shrinking this week. How awesome would it be having your boyfriend take you to see your shrink. I think it’d be awesome. Speaking of him, he thinks I’m weird for not liking acetone. Then again, I’m quite certain there are NUMEROUS other things about me he finds weird.
I’m gonna stop going on and on about him, and continue with what I was originally writing, the stuff I found in my notebook. Then, if I have the patience to type it out, I’ll tell you the story behind this guy who’s mad at me cause he thinks I’ve hurt his friend.
Lol, kay, so I just found this ridiculous schpewl in my notebook, just me ranting about semi philosophical concepts. I’m not gonna write it out though, it’s way too long, and not that interesting anyways. Mainly just me writing for the sake of writing.

OH, one more thing, before I forget. The assholes are contemplating pushing the internet curfew back to 9. I swear, it’s like they just WANT me to fail out of school and loose all my acceptances. *Tear*

I’m considering typing up the stuff I wrote in my notebook the day I got upset with him. I dunno, I think it might be best left on the paper. The one thing I WILL write from my notebook, though, is this:
Lol, random thought. When washing my face, I like washing only half the soap off, cause then t looks like I’ve got a great white beard. And, for that minute, I pretend like I’m old and wise. But then I realize that it’s just a foam beard and I feel young and silly again, and then I laugh.

I'm Not as Strong as Evie

I've destroyed my sister's life. She can't live because of me.
And there's nothing I can do about it.
Except hope. Hope that when I leave for university, they'll realize that she's done nothing wrong, and let her live in peace.
But that's a false hope. I know I'll just be leaving her defenseless, left to survive on her own. Faced with the numerous daggers poised at her.

All because I fucked up.

Dude, Willy Wonka's Online

Uhm, so, basically, my cat is the absolute cutest thing in the whole wide world.
Like, no competition, hands down, THE cutest thing alive.

She was sitting in my lap, and decided to stick her head under my sweater, and proceeded to fall alseep like that. Then, there was a plastic bag on the floor, and she realized it was crumply, and started wrestling with it. And when I tried to help her out of the plastic, she started wrestling with me. But she knew we were playing, so her claws didn't come out once, and she only pretended to bite.

I <3 my baby.

Asides from that, the weather is gorgeous, can't wait for summer to come. Though, to be honest, I feel slightly conflicted in that regards. I want school to be out, but I don't want it to be summer. My parents are sending me and my sister to Iran for the entire summer with my daddy. Mom can't come cause of work, and so the three of us will be spending two months together exploring Iran. This means I need to spend my only two free months (before I move away to university) away from the people that I actually want to be around. And then as soon as I go to uni, I'm away from my parents, but also away from everyone that matters. AND I'll be away from my baby. *Sigh*.

Life is hard.

Your Hair Was Long, When We First Met

You are,
My Sweetest,
Downfall.

<3 Regina Spektor.

Uhm, yeah, false alarm.
Apparently I'm not upset, and the cycle isn't over. I'm still waiting in line, but I'm also still talking to the chick from science class.
Haha, actually, I'm quite amused by the situation. I was still mad at him, but it's ok now, and I get it. It's just funny now.
He didn't want to end it after all, he wasn't tired of dealing with me (or so he says), he just wants me to get tesed for AIDs. I know, sexually transmitted diseases aren't a joke, not to be laughed at; I just can't help it. It's amusing, and so I will laugh. Only problem is that now I have to do that icky, icky, test.
Bleh.
Ah well, we will end this post in fits of laughter, and proceed with our lives.
Happily.