We Are The Waterloo Warriors

The title, as is usually the case, is irrelevant. I was just noting the banner my friend's got up in his room.

I've been spending way too much time here. I can't help it, I just keep finding things I need to say; plus, I really don't want to write my essay. I have another 2000 words to write.

In regards to my essay, I'm finding I can almost relate to the character I'm analyzing. She's lonely and delusional. I often find myself in much the same boat. And she's an English teacher! Who'd have thunk it. Maybe this is like the story of my life. I'm going to be out of the latest trend forever, I'll spend my days teaching English, and reading to people at an old folks home, and then every Sunday I'll go people watching. Analyze and make up stories for the people I see. Then, one day, someone will do the same to me, and they'll be talking to their friend about the lame chick in the weird outfit who's always here by herself. And I'll feel like crap about myself and commit suicide while thinking that my clothes are crying for me.

Wow, that was way more depressing then I'd been planning on going with it. Uhm, on another note, I just went out for a smoke with salesman and he's absolutely fascinating. I'd love to just study him. Make that my life's goal: understand salesman's brain. He's great to talk to though, he'll listen to what you have to say and actually listen, and then give you actual feedback! He'll explain to you the idea he has about how men and women are actually different and how that relates to whatever it is you're talking about (that was just an example, we were talking about something that related to men and women/relationships/etc.)

Ugh, fucking engineers. I swear, how do these people have time to get drunk on a Tuesday night? Not fair -_-

I'm Having A Day From Hell

It wasn't going so well (before you came)

And you told me you needed space,

With a kiss on the side my face (not again)

And not to mention (the tears I shed)

But I should have kicked your (ass instead)

Don't know why that song is in my head, haven't heard it in a while, great song though. Speaking of songs, let me quickly get to the purpose of this post, because I don't have much time to waste tonight. Remember my rant about the roomie? It just got worse.

Having gone to bed at 5 AM last night, I was planning on sleeping nicely, waking up 10 minutes before class and then leaving. Want to know what happened instead? I was woken up, at 8 or 9 in the AM to the sound of a recording of her voice yelling at her to wake up. Fuck my life. Who does that?! Like, really? Would a normal alarm clock really be all that bad? I mean, I've got one too, it plays music. Most people can wake up to less vulgar things. A recording of her shrill voice, screeching incessantly to GET UPPP. WAKE UP M, IT'S TIME TO GO TO CLASS, WAKE UP M, GET UPPPPP. Just repeat that about 10 to 20 times and that's what woke me up this morning. And then, after I get up, I realize I've gotten a bit of a sore throat. Why? Because I didn't realize she'd left the window open. Again. Plus our room smelled like whatever Asian food it was she threw out a couple days ago.

*Sigh*. I swear, I'm not trying to be a bitch about this, it's just a lot to deal with. And it's just my luck too. Everyone else got a fairly normal roommate, why was I the odd one out? Whatever, I mean, so long as I can vent about it here, I'm sure I can deal with her for the rest of the year. Holy Fuck.

Kay, time to try this essay again.

Oh wait, one last thing. I may have to drop Latin. I talked to the professor today, and he said that I might be able to pass the course, but the final exam may screw me over (I'm paraphrasing), luckily the drop date has been mover to Nov 19th, meaning I can drop it without it having too negative an effect on my average. I hope. He said I should try and see if I can improve at all within the next week and depending on that we'll see if I drop or not. I'm quite certain I'll be dropping. I texted my mom about it and she was surprisingly good. She didn't yell at me or anything, just said that it was my decision, and that I should try and see what happens, worse comes to worst, I drop. I was genuinely and pleasantly surprised by her response. Had I still been living at home, I guarantee she would not have been so accommodating and we'd have ended up in one of our lovely arguments.

Alright, now that I've got all this off my chest, I can go back to writing my essay. I can do this! I believe in myself!

Wooot!

I Am Invincible

So apparently sleep is not gonna happen right now, because the guys whose room I'm in now saw the blog post I was writing and decided that they deserved an entire post dedicated to them. Here I go:

I am in the room of short asian man V, and crazy tall (handsome) white man (Jackass). I don't quite now what it is I'm supposed to say about them, they're pretty great. I love hanging out with them, despite the constant berating I get at their hands. There's a lot of comfortable chill times in here, we sit around doing homework, they occasionally join me out for a smoke, etc. They're sitting around talking about white boy's "torpedo dick" and how they're sure the second I see it, I'll fuck him. Yeah, these are the people I spend my time with.

As I did say, I'm fairly tired and thinking isn't working for me so much. (Pretty sure that's grammaticality incorrect). Wow, this is hard. (Lol, that's what she said).

INTERVIEW TIMEEE!

White Boy

Favorite Color: Transparent

Favorite Class: Math

Favorite Position: Reverse German Chestnut Oyster

Favorite Food: V

Favorite Roommate: Not V

Favorite Band: Radiohead

Sexual Orientation: Questionable

Bedtime: 4 in the AM

Short Asian Man (V):

Favorite Color:Red

Favorite Class: Biology

Favorite Position: Dirty Dutch Sanchez Superman Angry Pirate

(V likes it crazy, white boy beware)

Favorite Food: Pizzas

Favorite Roommate: Ottawaians

Favorite Band: Japanese Music

Sexual Orientation: Tree Cross Dresser/Necrophilic Cross Dresser

Bedtime: 10 PM (This is a Lie)

That's basically them in a nutshell ;)

Aren't they the most greatest of them all?

Procrastination Is The Equivalent of Blogging

I do not feel like writing my 3000 word English essay. Besides, it's not due till Wednesday. And I haven't written in here in a while. I missed you, dear friend. (Sorry, still kinda in the character of Miss Brill.. part of my essay). Honestly, I figured that if I just started writing, it would all just come to me. It's just not. I don't know what this character would think about, it's a fucking short story, we don't actually know anything about this character. WHAT THE FUCK.

Rawr.

Kay, anywho. While I'm here, might as well jot down my most recent (idiotic) exploits. To begin with, I slept with my friends brother. While he was visiting her for her birthday. Stupid. Actually, it wasn't so "pretty" as "slept with". It was more just.. fucked. Plus, afterwards, as I slowly sobered up, I met this guy D who I got to talking with. We decided to get high and watch Across The Universe, but ended up sleeping together instead. This time it was actually more.. romantic? And we, very cutely, walked to his room sneaking kisses and then undressing etc etc. And then the next night, I, once again, got fairly intoxicated, joined my friend in trying to convince this guy into a threesome with us. He was too drunk and actually turned us down, which was weird, but lead to my first actual lesbian experience.

Moving on, I had a little mini breakdown.. yesterday? I think, can't remember. I just started crying randomly because I'm getting tired of him not noticing me. Or not noticing that I've been hitting on him since... dunno when, actually. Been a little while now. Ugh. I suppose it's stupid for me to be mad at him for it, he hasn't actually done anything wrong, other than be oblivious. Whatever, maybe I'll just try to forget about it.

Key word there: try.

Uhm, what else?? Schools being a bitch, so much work to do, and I'm already freaking out about the exams we've got coming up. I'm kinda scared that I'm going to become part of the statistics of people who fail out of university in their first year. And I really don't want that to happen. I suddenly have this new life, and I don't know how I'd be able to give it up. It'd be next to impossible trying to get reused to living at home again. BLARG. Don't think like that. It's stupid, I can definitely get through university. I can live my own life.

But then I start thinking about it and wonder why. What exactly is the purpose of this? We spend a shit ton of money, time and effort into getting a university degree, and then spend a good chunk of our lives trying to pay off that debt.

Kay, really getting tired of this. I mean, he's even jokingly mentioned that I've got a crush on him, there's no way he doesn't know.

Granted, that could be/is probably just him mocking me, as many people tend to do, not sure why, think I'm just an easy target. Meh, doesn't bother me much, just annoyed that he can't see what's under his nose.

I know the girl I slept with (I don't have a nickname for her yet) is probably wrong, but I can't help thinking about what she'd said, that I'm the kind of girl to change for a guy. Maybe she's right? All I had said was that I need to stop dressing so sloppily, that I should put some effort in looking presentable. That's not really "changing" per say, right?

Lol, I'm so good at rambling about bullcrap here, but as soon as it's for my essay, nothing. Figures.

Looking at what I wrote so far, I'm kinda surprised, I didn't know I had this much to let out. Weird.

What elseeee? My ottowaian friends (shut up, I know how wrong that looks, I just don't care right now) are really great, I love having them around, they just help and I feel so comfortable talking to them. Everyone on our floor really, I know I said that I thought we might all just hate each other, but I've kinda started looking at us more as this weird huge family. Like all our homework parties are just family time, you know?

In regards to telling people everything, it appears I'm really good at it. I've been telling this guy everything, and I don't know why, it's so stupid, it's not like he's gonna suddenly be interested in me if he know's I'm a huge slut.

Is it bad that I refer to myself as a slut? I mean, I don't necessarily see it as a derogatory term, it's more of an observation. And in terms of observing, it's the closest fit. No?

Hmmmmm, rightt. Roommate. I swear, this girl is driving me up the wall. I know I was saying how I love her and all, and I do, I have to if I'm going to live with her, but she's just so... she never leaves the room, the windows always open (and it's fucking winter). WTF? She'll sit at her desk, all fucking day, wearing a fucking winter jacket, windows open, lights out, phone on. Non stop. Either the girl is on the phone talking to one of her friends about some stupid drama she thinks she's going through, something about a stalker she thinks she has, dunno exactly.

There was a shitload else I'd had written, but my internet sucks and refused to save what I'd had down. I'm pretty sure it was mainly the thing about the e-mail my ex sent me, about all the things he dislikes about me, or the way I behave, or something else along those lines, but having already typed that out once, I don't really have the strength in me to re-type it. Plus, I feel really bad cause I'm in my friend's room, cause I dislike mine, and I'm pretty sure he wants to sleep. Besides, I'm tired, so goodnight, and hopefully I'll get a chance to write more soontimes.

Eyes Closed Tightly, March On Blindly

I'm tired.

I had a great idea about a poem on materialism today, but that was a good.. 6 hours ago, so it's completely gone. On the plus side, there's a great women's studies assignment coming up, I've chosen the topic of push-up bras; basically I get to vent about how angry they make.

Look for the girl with broken smile,

ask her if she wants to stay for a while.

And she will be loved.

It's not always rainbows and butterflies,

it's compromise that moves us along.

Love that song, makes me tear up every time. I keep avoiding what it is I actually want to talk about. I don't know what that is, actually, I just feel the need to talk. Or write. Same thing, really. Either way, I need to let some of myself out. There's no real exciting social news for me to share, or anything else of importance. I talked to the ginger for the first time in a little while last night, I miss her. I miss home a little bit to be honest. I kinda miss having people taking care of me, or fussing over me. I don't know if I actually mean this or not, I just know that I feel like something is missing. That's not to say I want to go home, or lose this wonderful freedom, nononono, not at all. Just, I dunno, it's weird. Then there are occasions when I feel like all of us on the floor actually hate each other and are just pretending to get along.

I'm sure this is not true. I hope.

Kay, I'm just depressing myself at this rate, I think I'll stop.

Ooh, no, wait, forgot to mention. Met this great guy in my women's studies class. Met through a group assignment thing, and it just blossomed from there. He's quite pleasant to be around.

Kay, time to go get high. Nice talking with you though :)

Making My Way Through The Crowd

And I need you,

and I miss you.

Uhm, I'm 18! And pleased, and having a great time procrastinating. Plus, I just found the most beautiful man ever on Facebook, and came a little bit while face-stalking him. I'm totally kidding. But not really :)

ANYWHO. Sexy Halloween costume shopping tomorrow.. well, today. So excited (I'm so excitedd, I just can't hide it..) and Birthday shots.. tonight? Yes. Awsomesauce.

I really need to start doing my work. On the plus side, I actually read the play I need to read for Drama. Which is a start. Now I need to answer the question due for Tuesday. Arg.

Ugh, and I need to do my essays. And the Medieval assignment shit. Oh pooey.

I'm no longer pleased.

No, that's a lie. I'm in an overall good mood. Plus, I found some awesome webcomics I suggest you check out. ..I don't know how to add links in here. So listen to the elevator music playing in your head as I try to figure this out.

..

....

..

.

..

And Voila!

http://rosalarian.com/yume/?p=1

http://rosalarian.com/comics/

http://comics.600poundgorilla.com/?p=41

http://rosalarian.com/meatyyogurt/2010/10/01/starting-things-off-with-a-bang-4/

Hmm, that was actually pretty easy.

Yeah, basically, I'm a huge fan of Rosalarian.

Or Megan, whatever it is she goes by. She's brilliant.

Kay, I think I'm done. There was definitely more I wanted to write, but I can't remember what it was. So goodnight to you. Or good day, rather :)

Midterms, Movies and Musicals

Midterms are done, well, mine are at any rate, and I should be ecstatic, right? Nopeee. NOWW I need to work on my numerous assignments, essays and of course, Latin. Uggghhh.
Don't get me wrong, I do want to learn latin, and it'd be of much use to me should I choose to continue in this path towards becoming an English professor, but it takes up so much time, and theres a fucking language barrier between the class and the prof. Plus, I've spent so much time studying latin that I haven't even begun on the essays I have due in november.

Speaking of, I finally picked a topic for my women's studies essay. Well, I thought of topics. Haven't picked one yet. I'm planning on talking to the WS prof tonight after our lecture.

My british friend is nagging me cause I've not technically written anything about him other then in my list of (amazing) people met in Uni. So now I need to dedicate this to him, which I suppose is appropriate because the term "musical" is in the title. With this said, let me explain.
This brit began to be my friend on a night when we were both quite drunk and we decided to be, wait for it...
DRUNK BUDDIES!!!!
Oh ma gawd, yes. And so it began. We were drunk buddies and ran around singing at the top of our lungs. This has becme routine for us and we take it past drunkeness to just about any loud singing, anywhere. It's quite pleasant and highly entertaining. He's a mathie, by the way.

Quickly now, before I scamper off to be studious, let me say (for it appears I'd forgotten to mention), I've got a tattoo.
What?
Didn't read that right, did you.
It says:
I'VE GOT A TATTOO.

No, you read it right :)

Life Is Like A Handbook Of Literay Terms

This is a lie, unless you can find a way for it to be so, in which case it would be. Fair enough? I believe so.
You know what's unfortunate?
Midterms.
You know what else is unfortunate?
Procrastination.

I miss my friends. I miss my life. I miss being able to call the redhead at 3 in the morning and say, "I need to talk to you right now." Or better yet, just calling each other and having nonsensical conversations about how we would make a great comedy show should we ever be filmed.
Despite how great university life is, and how much I love the freedom and new great friends, I can't help but feel like something is missing. There is this empty little spot somewhere in me. I don't even know what it was full of before, but I can assure you, it was full.

On a brighter note, I don't believe I've introduced you to all my new friends yet.
Let's see. There are the two girls from Ottawa who I've fallen in love with, don't know what we'll refer to them as individually, but that'll come in time, as it will for everyone else I'm about to mention. There is the short Asian man we call V, the break dancing Asian man, the crippled redhead (he broke his collarbone, so we're referring to him as crippled atm), the ridiculously tall (handsome) white man, the salesman, the Brits, the Persian douche (who I am slowly learning to get used to), Dubai, the adorably naive white man (who Blondie from Ottawa is dating right now), my roomate (who I've mentioned before, I believe), Justin Bieber (sp?), Asthma, the brown girls who make me laugh, the Asian girl in my WS class (love her) and, uhm, I'm sure there's a ton more, but these are the one's from my floor and the only one's that come to mind at the current time of 4:14 in the morning.

Arggg, it's 4:14. That's not good.
Unfortunately, due to the fact that I need to write a midterm in 6 hours, I'm gonna wrap this up and attempt to work on it once more in the near future.
NIGHTT.
Well, not actually, but goodnight to this post and back to studying for ze midterm. (OH MA GAWWDD, SO MUCH FUNNNN!!)

Thoughts of Obscurity (Obscure Thoughts?)

"It's easy to talk about yourself, to express your innermost feelings on paper with words, what great poets write of goes further then the self. They focus on the bigger pictures and tackle such situations through beautiful words".

I scribbled this in my notebook during an English lecture that bothered me a little bit. It wasn't so much the lecture itself that bothered me as it was this fact. The fact that "Real poets focus on the bigger picture." Don't get me wrong, I never considered myself a "real poet" but I did think I could write (a little bit) and enjoyed this fact. Now that I look at it, it's beyond petty and I genuinley dislike this.
I suppose, I know, I have considered this before, and yet nothing had come from this realization. I highly doubt anything will come of this either, but it makes me feel better venting about what I dislike of myself.

URGGGGG.
Kay, done.
BACK TO STUDYING FOR MIDTERMS (OH MA GAWDD).
Lawl, studiosity for the win.

He's My Panda

I was in a particularly strange mood tonight. It was hard to explain to myself, and I figured where better to indulge in self exploration then here?
A couple of us decided not to sleep tonight, it is currently 7 o'clock in the morning and I'm still wide awake. The sun was just rising, and I was too lazy to get up and watch it, despite how beautiful I have no doubt that it is.
At any rate, on to my self exploration. I was thinking today about myself, the image I portray, the behavour I emit, etc. and I don't think I'm quite pleased with myself. It's quite unfortunate seeing as I need to be around myself so very often. The fact that I'm a huge slut and tend to do things so that other people will think of me in a certain way, I don't even know why I would want them to think of me like that anyways. (I apologize, I realize this isn't quite coherent, but in my defense, I am running on no sleep and have massive bags under my eyes).
Right, back on track. I realized that the only people on my floor that I'm even remotely attracted to are the two guys who are already in relationships. One of them more then the other, I think, I'm actually quite fond of him. More than a fondness though, it's strange. I can't quite explain what it is that makes me feel so attracted to him.
I met his girlfriend tonight, she's a sweetheart, I bet that had we gone to school together we'd have been best friends.
Kay, I've completely lost my train of thought, my friend just asked me to write a conclusion for her Shakespeare essay. I'll try this again at another point in time.

How Do You Know If You Need To Pee or Go Period?

So I hate that I've not been writing, like at all, so I'm trying to mend that a little bit right now. Theres so much shit going on right now, I don't even know where to start. Let's see.
First, let's write the stuff I already have, some random things I was writing during WS (women's studies) last week.
"There are a lot of angry women in this class. I'm really interested to see how this is going to affect me. I can't wait to get to writing about this stuff."
"Heavisyde- Is your shirt suddenly creative because you rearranged the letters?:S"
"Why am I a feminist?"
"Cavewoman says to her mate 'WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU PLANT IN ME? WHY AM I GETTING SO FAT. YOU DID THIS TO ME YOU FUCKING JACKASS, DON'T TOUCH ME.'"

Lawl, I like that last one. It was funnier in my head though. At any rate, that's it for the random notes. Now it's recounts.
Basically, I love university, it's so different from what I'm used to and I love meeting new people and socializing with EVERYBODY. It's great. The only downfall is the need to be responsible in terms of school work and the need to watch what and how much you spend. Unfortunately, I suck at both these things.
In fact, just this weekend, friday to monday, I spent a good 100 bucks on a trip to Queens university.
"Oh? Queens, you say? Why would you do a thing like that?" You may ask. The reason, quite simply is: Why not?
Nah, me and my bestie went together for her birthday (she goes to Guelph) and she knows a bunch of people there, and I know a couple too. We stayed at her friends place, he is an absolute sweetheart. He totally took complete care of us the entire time, watched us when we were drunk, made sure we were ok the entire time, made sure we weren't wanting for anything. In short, (which is ironic because he is quite tall), he was the perfect host. The friday night we got there, we immediately set to getting drunk, and then I met with my dear old FB and we spent the night together. No, not sex, but plenty of other beautiful stuff. The second day we decided to make jello shots and then give free hugs before getting completely wasted and partying all night. We made our signs, dealt with a really creepy guy (who touched/brushed my boob =O) and a bunch of lame people who just walked away, ignored us or laughed, but ended off happy with a good ratio of about 2 hugs per minute. Not too shabbeh. Uhm, right, that night we went in search of a party, found one, ended up moving all over the place on account of residential authorities (dons). We got wasted, tried ABSINTHE (yes, I know, holy fuck), got fucked, got high, and then (I) literally got fucked. Wanna guess where? You might remember this from multiple times before. Don't know?
The girls bathroom. More specifically, the girls bathroom floor. Yes, my back is still aching from it.
Plus, the next day, me and the bestie tried counting the number of hookups I rushed through during the weekend. I will now proceed to list them in chronological order:
1. FB
2. Bestie
3. The guy with the gum.
4. The girl with gum.
5. The Norwegian guy from the bathroom.

I'm gonna try to wrap this up now, cause it's taking pretty long. Basically, after that crazy weekend, we tried getting back to school for sunday night, but I missed my bus back to Waterloo from Guelph, and then missed the morning one as well on account of a faulty alarm clock. After much searching and many tears, (I really just wanted to get home at this point), I managed to find a GO bus that would take me to Waterloo with just one transfer. I got the early ride (11:45) and waited around for a good hour for the next bus to come. In that hour, I somehow managed to lose my transfer ticket. Figures, nothing wants to work for me at this point. The bus gets to the stop, I explain that I lost m ticket but that I have the receipt and the driver thinks about it for a bit and finally decides it seems legit.
I finally get home only to go to a massive poster sale and spend ANOTHER 50 bucks on posters. FML.
On the plus side, my room now looks great. I've got the entire wall and a good portion of the ceiling covered in beautiful images. I love it.

I wanted to go into a whole little thing about how much I love all the new people I've met here, and all the drama going on on our floor, but I think I'll save that for next time.

My Love, You Must Part

Guess what?

I'm in a fight with my mum. Shocking, right? I mean, it's next to impossible to imagine that me and my darling mother wold ever have anything to argue about, especially with the newfound distance between us. And yet, here we are. Currently arguing through text, after a lengthy phone fight. Pleasant, no?

I'd hoped that I'd manage at least a couple months before letting my new frineds watch me cry.

Apparently I'm Brilliant Whilst High

Who'dve thunk it, right?
I don't remeber wat brilliance I was experiencing while sitting in the car with my dad for the two hours it took to get back to Waterloo, I just know that I was absolutely fascinated by the thoughts running through my head. Andd, apparently, my parents are living with some deep dark secret. My dad said that when I'm older he'll tell me about the secret. He was really weird about it though, like, I can't even explain it.
Yeah, I'd gone home for the weekend, saw Cirque de Soliel, went paintballing and saw the truly entertaining film, Easy A. I had a blast and a half. Then, half an hour before I had to leave, I figured I had enough time to get high. I was terribly mistaken.
I wish I could remember what it was I was thinking at in the car.
I swear it was fascinating.
Anywho, I can think of nothing but what I wish I could remember.
Tata for now.

And I'll Just Be Like "OH MA GAWD"

So.
Despite my earlier rant about missing this blog, I appear to have lost the habit of regular writing. Unfortunate, no? At any rate, I am trying to get back into the cycle. I'll start by telling you all about Uni.
I'm having a blast. I've met a bunch of cool people, earned a new nickname, gotten drunk (repeatedly), gotten high (repeatedly) and had sex. Well, almost. Poor thing. It was his first time. He couldn't get it up right. *sigh* Plus, I hooked up.. kinda, on the dancefloor, so more grinding but with a lot of grabbing of my anatomy. ANND, it was really really awkward cause I saw him today at his residence. I'm hoping he didn't recognize me. Lol, I've forgotten both their names. Woww.

Uhmmm. Moving on.. right, my classes. I'm majoring in English atm, and am taking art history, classical studies, drama, and womens studies alongside. I went to the womens studies class for the first time this week and it was absolutely fascinating. There were alot of really angry, frustrated and determined women there. About 130. And then there were like.. 10? guys. If even. One made a stupid comment and had to face the wrath of about 130 girls. I laughed. I think I'm going to get particularly confused about a lot of things while in the class. And likely be faced with numerous intriguing thoughts. I'm so excited.

Too Long, Too Long

My dear friend, oh how I have missed you. You know not of the madness I have seen since last we spoke. I ask not but forgiveness for having left you so long. I assure you that it was by no fault of my own. My parents, you see, have a stick up their behinds.
Lol, in all seriousness, I've missed this. The reason I've been away so long is that my parents were being.. themselves and were stalking me (I may have mentioned this before, if so, bear with me once more).
You know what, nahhh, I was away too long to actually try to explain everything and catch up. I think I'm gonna just.. start afresh.
I just moved into res today, Waterloo Univserity, frosh week starts. I met some cool people tonight and we went searching for parties all night. Ended up finding this massive sausage fest, which was lame, so we ditched and found some weed.
Got seriously fucked.. don't think roomie dearest likes it much. But no, she's really cool. Not too social, but really sweet, and yeah. She seems cool.
I'm dead tired, so I'm gonna leave this intro short and sweet and try to find time to write more at a later date.
Tata for now

I Solemnly Swear I'm Up To No Good

We got a puppy yesterday. I want to name him Fish, but they won't let. I'm ok with Ozzy too.
But yeah, I was all excited cause he's really cute, and so energetic and playful. I woke up at 6 in the morning cause of him and didn't even mind. That's how cute he is. Granted, my cat hates him, but that's only to be expected.
So today, my parents came home with a cage. And a collar. Apparently, my parents are all keen on having a "good dog". So, we need to go through this training process which basically consists of sticking a 6 week old puppy in a cage, putting a collar on him, and ignoring his cries. I was just crying cause of it and my parents think I'm being melodramatic.
I hate this.

I suppose it makes sense that you would put a dog in a cage, but, I mean, he's just a baby! We've already taken him from his mother, couldn't we at least cuddle him and treat him like the baby he is for a little bit before training him? Yeah, I guess it was melodramatic to cry about it, but you should have seen him. He was in the cage, crying, trying to get out, and looking at you with those eyes. It was torture.

Currently, I'm conversing with my friend about love, and whether or not it exists, which is interesting. Apparently, he's been in love.
Not sure how I feel about the concept. It's got to exist though, right?

Worry Worthy?

Kay, I swear I'm not being clingy, I'm just genuinely concerned for his well-being.
I mean, he usually calls if he's not gonna visit, or he comes visit, or we talk online.
I haven't' heard from him all day, ANDD, we didn't even talk last night (I don't think).
Plus, he's not picking up the phone, and I don't know what to do.

I'm kinda scared :(

But no, I'm being stupid, right? I mean, he's totally fine. He probably just forgot to tell me he's busy, or something like that. Right??

HAPPY FOUR TWENTY!!!!!

Five exclamation points, the sign of a true madman.

Uh huh, well, too bad I'm not crazy. (I swear I'm not, even the rapist agrees, I'm just "quirky"). Shrinking tomorrow!!! Oh boy, oh boy.

Erm, yeah, don't have enough time for a legitimate post tonight, but I felt like writing a post for four twenty, which is cause for taking some time out and reflecting (or smoking a joint). Plus, I feel the need to share an entertaining story about law class today.
My teacher was roleplaying a scene this scene (cause we were talking about AIDs)
Girl: Ooh, baby, let's go get freaky.
Guy: Mmmm, ooh, wait, babe, I should probably let you know, I've got the HIV.
Girl:Oh. Uhm, well then. I need to go... wash my hair.

Thing is, just as he was thinking up an excuse for the girl to get away, I called what he was going to say and we ended up saying "wash my hair" at the exact same time. Everyone turns around, looks at me, and we all burst out laughing. "Bahahahha, she's definitely used that excuse before!". It was entertaining. AND THEN we decided that our law teacher resembles the Crimson Chin from "Fairly Odd Parents".

Hahah, and, there was an awkward encounter today, between me, my ex and my other ex. I had left class "to go to the bathroom" and out in the hallway, I see the two of them just chatting. Not interested in joining the conversation, I attempt to walk past them, but they see me and one calls me over, "Hey whore". "Hey slut" I reply. The other one was all shocked, "You call her a whore?". To which he replies "duh" and the conversation goes on, we exchange hugs, I get lifted, tickled, poked, and squished once more, and then I escape, only to be dragged back for another hug (I'd forgotten to hug the other ex). I then escape, run away, find another friend, and as me and him are walking back to class, one of the ex's is headed in our direction. We stop to talk again, and he (ever so sweetly) tries to ask if the friend is my boyfriend. I'm pretty sure I saw jealousy. Lol, but that's only cause this is the ex who was trying to push for the hookup. Hahah, yeah, I love highschool. It is SO entertaining.

Oh, and, uhm, apparently, my boyfriend's falling for me.

Too Bad He Doesn’t Sparkle

Hahaha, so, my friend thinks he looks like a vampire (apparently you’ve got “fangs”), ANNDD, he was afraid of the sun today. Hmmmmm. She suggests I throw sparkles at him. Which I just so happen to have in my presence (convenient, no?). Mmmm, I do enjoy being with him (I wasn’t gonna do the play by play mushy teenager talk, but this is necessary).

No, I change my mind, it’s not (as it will only inflate his ego).

Uhm, on another note, I absolutely hate my parents right now. Moms not talking to anyone right now (I don’t even know why she’s angry this time) and dad’s a creepy stalker jackass. Fucking came to check up on me today! I mean, honestly? I got so pissed off, it was so uncalled for. Then, he had the balls to yell at me when I got home. UGHHHHH. -_-.

On a brighter note, I can finally have a good nights’ rest tonight. All the most recent projects and tests are done with right now, so I get a nice break for a little bit, and then I get to work on a couple thousand more projects this weekend. I do not like school work. ANNDDD, I’m still sore from the gym on Monday (that’s what we get for actually trying to have a serious workout).

So far my biggest mistake, is when I did it all for nothing.

Abehdeh

This was supposed to be a peaceful post, titled "Mmmm", with the sole content being "Contentment". However, I must now rant about how stupid the male species is, and how irked I am by them.
Well, no, that's not fair.
I'm not irked at the species in general. Just my ex, who decided he was bored and wanted to have some fun (again), so started talking to me again. This doesn't bother me so much. What bothers me is how fake some people can be in order to get what they want. For example, he wants to hook up again, but wants it to look casual, so instead he suggests we "hang out". Then, in order to get on my good side, and have me look upon him favorably, he tells me how much he misses me. He then attempts to compliment me with "I miss talking to you, you're not like other girls who don't use their brains". Uhhhmmm, kay? Thanks, I guess.
Actually, no, despite it's fakeness, that "compliment" was a nice touch.
Either way, not only does he have horrible timing, but I'm now beginning to see what the rapist means when she says I've become cynical in regards to guys, and what she means when she says that I let myself be used. Ugghhhh.
Wish I could talk more, but I've got a law test tomorrow, and had about two hours of sleep last night.
I don't know how this is going to work.

Smells Like Piss, This is Piss

Who Says This?

Tee-hee, I'm IN LOVE with the Sweeney Todd Soundtrack. Priceless.
Thought I'd let you know, my hair has been a cut once a more. (That sounds more intense in the weird accent thingy I'm using right now). But yes, it is cut, and at first I hated it, but I think it's growing on me.. it's a cute little bob type cut. Not too shabbehh.

I need to dye my eyebrows.
And work on my english project.
And reshape my eyebrows.
And work on my human growth project.
(Can't think of anything else to do to my eyebrows).
And work on my other english project.

I'ma gonna be a busy beeeeeeeee.

This Has Been Long Overdue

So, after Valentine's Day, I had to write an essay about a turning point in my life. I figured what better then my recent attempt?
However, I couldn't bring myself to share that essay with anyone. I feel like it's about time I did.
So here it is:

Turning Points Essay
Suicide is considered to be a feeble attempt at escaping reality. Attempted suicide, on the other hand, is a pathetic reason to remain alive. It leaves the person at hand in a state of anguish, feeling remorse at having failed so simple a task, but without the strength to try again. An upsetting statistic is all we are afterwards. A statistic of eight. Eight attempted suicides per each completed. All I was afterwards. One of eight unfortunate folk envious of the ninth who happened to be successful and thus no longer on this Earth.
What I don’t understand is why people fear death. After all, it is the one thing we can be sure of. The one thing we can be dependent on. Yet, we all fear it, thinking of it as an unknown rather than a certainty. So, the question remains; if death is so definite to occur, what then is the remaining variable? I suppose the unknown would be “what happens next”? A question that I, whether fortunately or unfortunately, do not have the answer to.
I do, however, have the answer to the questions racing through your head right now. What would drive a person towards such a weak escape? I suppose in order for you to truly understand how I felt right before I emptied my cupped hand into my mouth, I’d need to go back a couple years and discuss the numerous arguments and fights that drove me to the conclusion that suicide was my only option. However, for the sake of time, we’ll only turn the clock back to the beginning of the month.
To begin with, my parents, like the majority of foreign parents, had little trust in me, and were against the concept of “average teenage behavior”. Going to parties, staying out late, even sleeping over at a good friend’s house; these were all taboo. I believe it was because I was so restricted that I decided to act out, to attempt to experience everything I was “supposed” to experience. I needed to have something in my life that was under my control. Since my first year of high school, I’d been behaving recklessly. The most recent and the technical cause for my moment of weakness was a party I’d gone to.
Having convinced my parents that it was an all girls sleepover party, with one of my close friends and a couple of her other friends, I managed to manipulate my parents into letting me go. The party was a wild one, one of the worst I’ve been to. The overpowering scent of alcohol, cigarettes, vanilla flavored cigars, and marijuana left everyone in a state of frenzy. At about four in the morning, people were beginning to pass out, the majority of the guests gone. I woke up about three hours later, only to find my hostess cleaning the house frantically. A couple hours later, the house was clean with my assistance, and my father was on his way to pick me up. As I stepped into the car, my dad looked at me, and I could see the suspicion in his face. I didn’t realize how strong the smell of the party was, nor did I realize how thoroughly the scent had stuck to my jacket.
It wasn’t until a couple days later that my parents confronted me with their suspicions. They told me that they thought I was using “illegal substances” and they wanted to have me do a drug test at the police station. Without going into detail, I can say that they learnt about a lot of things the next couple days, things that shocked and disappointed them. Due to this, they lost all trust and faith in me. Everything went downhill from there. Arguments were raging, threats were thrown, and not just between my parents and I. The situation was taking its toll on my parents and their relationship as well. My father’s health was in jeopardy, my mother was keeping a strong front, but we could all see that she was crumbling.
It was around this time, on Valentine’s Day to be exact, that another argument ensued. This time I was listening to them tell me how disgusted they were by my actions, that they didn’t understand, that I was to blame for the destruction of our family. I felt like I was losing my mind; the only thing I had left and it too was leaving me. Beside me was the Advil bottle. In it were about twenty pills. Five of which were the prescribed pills the dentist had given me the day I had had my molars removed. There they sat, reminding me that I had other options. I didn’t have the strength the first time. The yelling continued. Nothing had been solved, no alternative solution suggested. Waiting for the moment my parents left my room, I knew what I wanted to do. Almost on impulse, opening the container, I emptied the contents into my mouth, and took a gulp of water. I was in shock.
They didn't yet know. I was almost at peace, thinking "I won't have to cry for much longer". I spent the rest of the day in a state of semi-consciousness; in and out of sleep all day. They soon found out, by putting one and one together. Knowing that I don't normally sleep much, and noticing how many Advils were missing, they figured it out.
Despite the hell we went through, a lesson was learnt and I was reshaped. Today, after some time, I recognize how fragile life can be, and try daily to become a different person. Not necessarily a better person, but a more accommodating one at least. After all, being an individual, and making your own decisions, isn’t always about being rebellious; and after being so close to losing everything, a person realizes that many things are more important than we initially gave them credit for.

Peach and Lemon Hate the Cold

ROFL. I'm so lame for putting that as the title, because no one will get the joke, unless Big Red were to read this, which she doesn't. Ah well, I will look at it and laugh, and reminisce.

But yeah, I felt the need to post something she had written about our twinlisness, it just makes PERFECT SENSE. And we were really proud of ourselved for understanding it. So I thought I'd share.
"Okay so I have this friend.She's pretty much the same person as me. Basically, we are a part of a different world; you know those angels and devils on peoples shoulders? Yeah, we're in the angel/devil world. And together, we make up one person in a bigger world,with features that combine the two of us. Soooo my friend called being the devil first, but that is not going to happen because we interchange angel and devil roles sooo sometimes I'm the angel, and sometimes she's the devil. And so the angel is sometimes the devil and the devil is sometimes the angel...and our host is just really stupid."

Beautiful, no?
We are absolutely genius.

The Worst Part About Crying in the Shower

Is not being able to wipe away your tears.

Haha, random (awkward) encounter today. At the gym, I ran into my ex boyfriend's best friend. At first I wasn't sure how I knew her, then it clicked and I regretted calling her over. Ughhh, that was uncomfortable. Especially because we were both pretending like nothing had ever happened, but we both knew inside, so we were secretly icky with each other. Yeah, girls are retarded.
However, we of the female species maintain that we ARE NOT nearly as retarded as those of the male species. It is fact, it is proven, and I happen to believe it with the whole of my being.

Uhm, moving on, I think I'm reverting back to my old routine, I want to stick to it this time. I'm actually trying to work on the weight thing (because that would probably assist the self-esteem thing).

Lastly, besides being angry and wanting to scream, I just realized (again) that I'm leaving here soon. Very soon. I'll move away a good hour's drive away, and I won't need to deal with any of the unpleasantness found in -- (my town).
And while we're on the general topic of anger and frustration, I'd like to mention to you that it'd be pleasant if you didn't interfere with how me and my best friend talk with each other. She understands perfectly well what my "get over it" was regarding. Thank you kindly :)

I lied one more thing. "Ughh" and "Uhm" and "Rawr" and "Urg" and all those words ARE WORDS. So it'd be greatly appreciated if spellcheck would FUCK OFF.

That is all :)
I'm contemplating watching Precious tonight. Hrmmm.

Mmm, Cheese.

How will I know,

The right way to love you?

I'm such a fool,

I'm such a fool,

I'm such a fool.

This one's out of my hands.

Practically positive that the majority of the female species can relate to that song.

I was *this* close to breaking down today.

I'm too proud to be pitied.

Besides which, I don't want pity, or sympathy.

I don't want it, and I don't need it.

By the way, you weren't online, and I can't go on the phone right now, so let me just say, before I forget, I'd rather you didn't chastise me on the way I speak with my best friend. You misunderstood my "get over it". The only reason I can comfortably tell her to "get over it" is because a) she knows that her nagging me every single day is just asking for me to snap at some point or other, and b) because she knows I'm not genuinely mad at her for nagging me. So you don't to jump up and defend her. She knows what I mean.

And, one more thing before I go:

I'm honestly worried. (I fear that my pride is getting the better of me here.)

As you are aware, I do have feelings for you. And, I care about you. You matter to me, much like the other important people in my life. However, I don't want your pity. If you sincerely believe that you're with me because you have feelings for me as well, then that's great, and we can have a happily ever after. But, if you think that you're doing it more so to give me that happiness, then I don't want it. I want to be liked for me, not pitied for my situation.

My Name Is Iris Chassidy

Hahaha, no, it's not, but how awesome would it be if it were?

Uhm, I'm feeling...
Conflicted?
Frustrated?
Confused?
Hurt?
Bored?
Tired of the same old thing?
Dealing with the same old thing?
Maybe even a little bit angry.

When will guys realize that they don't have to hurt the people who care about them. They don't have to plant these ridiculous seeds of doubt everywhere. They don't have to pretend like they don't care. They're allowed to feel genuine emotion, they're allowed to care about people, and actually let that person know.
Thing is, part of me doesn't actually care if I do doubt, just because I feel like, I'm helping him out, aren't I? Us being together, makes him feel better about himself, gives him a little bit of happiness. And if nothing else, I'm giving him something physically (or so I'd assume, seeing as he seems to enjoy certain things I do). Plus, just the fact that he thinks he's helping me by making me happy, that's also fairly therapeutic. None of this is to say I don't care for him, or I don't want to be with him. Oh nonononono. It's just, I have that feeling, where you know you're gonna get hurt. And I just feel like I should look at the situation before it happens. Cause, I feel almost certain, that whether he knows it yet or not, I'm gonna get hurt. Probably sooner then later.
I'm OK with that too. I can accept it, and deal with it when it comes my way (I've done it before, right? No big deal.)
Oh, I'm so bad at lying to myself :(

I don't want to click the "Post" button for this post. I don't know if I want him to read this, or know this. I'm almost certain he'll take it the wrong way. Which I suppose is why I'm writing it here rather than throwing it at his face (in the off chance that he won't read it).

Mm, and I really need to get over my self-esteem/confidence issues. It's really doing me absolutely no good.

Also, just thought I'd mention the beautiful day I had today, with rain, no school, and a feeble attempt at puzzle making. Fun stuff XD.

Dancing in The Snow

I was shrunk today, but it wasn’t actually that bad. Like, it was bearable. And it doesn’t hurt that the rapist is pretty much taking my side (though I think that’s just cause she’s doing her job.. hrrmm).
Yes, well, basically all we did was discuss the past, she asked questions, and now I’ve got another appointment in two weeks. Fun stuff. Even more exciting, is that
I TOOK A BUBBLE BATH.
Do you understand how incredible bubble baths are? I highly doubt you do. If you’ve never taken one, I must say, they are HIGHLY recommended. I don’t remember the last time I was as relaxed, and comfortable and warm. *Sigh*. Oh my goodness, it was like.. heaven.
Lame, I know, I just can’t think of anything else to describe the epicness of my bubble bath.
Erm, he came to see me today, and I look forward to spending the ENTIRE SCHOOL DAY with him tomorrow *YAY*, but today (which I enjoyed immensely) was just us sitting together, reading my law textbook (I had to study for a test). And it was just so peaceful, and pleasant; to explain how nice it was, I’m going to say this: I didn’t mind studying. Yeah, I know, bold words, but it’s true. That’s how much I enjoyed it.
I think it kinda reminded me of grade 8, when me and the then boyfriend would sit and read together during recess. Hahahaha, don’t judge me, I was little-_-.
Anywho, I’ve got little else to talk about, so I’m gonna go back to watching my movie. And if you haven’t seen it, I suggest you watch My Fair Lady, with Audrey Hepburn.
I <3 Audrey Hepburn.
Just saying.

Let's Use Jack Skellington Tape to Patch Up the Walls

So, I just COULD NOT wait for the next day. I was wayyy too excited when I realized this post would be the
ONE HUNDREDTH POST.
That's right! Oh Em Gee.
Wow, I did not know I was this energetic right now. Well, this is good (it'll help me get through the studying. Blarg -_-)
But yes, 100th post, I feel like it deserves something special.
I'm tempted to write a poem,
but I have no creative thoughts going through my head right now.. so I fear it'd be a HUGE disaster.
Uhm, OOH. I found anothere quotable notebook.. sentence.
Houses should have more windows. Less walls.

Lol, yeah, that's it.
I thought it was intense =D

Blissfully Blank

Just a few lyrics and stray thoughts right now. I had this song stuck in my head the majority of the day today, so I thought I'd share:

I want you to want me.
I need you to need me.
I'd love you to love me.
I'm begging you to beg me.
And so on and so on.

Those are really the only lines I had stuck in my head, and also the only lines that are particularly worth repeating.

Asides from those wise words, I thought I'd also type out some of the things I've found in my notebook.
Little girl points at Gryphon Mascot "That birdy can't fly!"
"No, sweetheart, he's grounded."

I change my mind. I do have stuff to write about. I’m so tired of this. I can’t stand it anymore. I’m going crazy, losing my mind. I don’t know what to do anymore. Anything looks more promising than this. I hate hating them, and I hate dealing with them, and I just don’t want to anymore. Except, it’s so much more than that. It’s not that I don’t want to deal with them, it’s that I can’t. I’m not kidding when I say I’m losing my mind. I mean, it can’t possibly be normal for a teenage girl to cry this much. It’s definitely not the “sane” way of handling oneself.
Without a word of a lie, I think I’m actually looking forward to seeing the rapist this week. Maybe she’ll have something useful to tell me, or help me find (as the rapists often do). Even if this week’s session isn’t beneficial, I can’t help but think that her office in itself is calming and pleasant. All the optical illusions she’s got hanging about, it feels.. pleasant, I suppose.
Moving on, I worry I’ve got attachment issues. As soon as I find myself caring for someone, I find myself also obsessing over them. Just today, I was in the worst mood just because he was late. Granted, I was only upset because I thought he wasn’t coming, but still. My mood shouldn’t be so easily dictated to me. It’s not right.
Uhm, what else?

Oh, hah. The jealous hookup guy was talking to me yesterday. Randomly messaged me on FB asking if I’d be interested in hooking up like before. So I asked “Haven’t you heard about me and him?”, to which he replied “I knew he was dating, just didn’t know it was you.” He then proceeds to pretty much guilt trip me for being in a relationship after having told him I wasn’t looking for one. Apparently, I’m really bad at reading people, and how they feel about me, because he then said “I just want you to know that I have and always will care about you”. Uhm, I’m not sure as to the exact wording. He may have said “care”, but I think he actually said “love”. Can’t remember. I do know that he definitely did say he loved me. I really didn’t know how to reply to that. Again, it seems I’ve just got the worst luck in these regards.

Mmm, this is such a great song: Fast Car by Tracy Chapman.
This song makes me cry.

What else? Hahahaha, I keep having this image in my head of him driving me to my shrinking this week. How awesome would it be having your boyfriend take you to see your shrink. I think it’d be awesome. Speaking of him, he thinks I’m weird for not liking acetone. Then again, I’m quite certain there are NUMEROUS other things about me he finds weird.
I’m gonna stop going on and on about him, and continue with what I was originally writing, the stuff I found in my notebook. Then, if I have the patience to type it out, I’ll tell you the story behind this guy who’s mad at me cause he thinks I’ve hurt his friend.
Lol, kay, so I just found this ridiculous schpewl in my notebook, just me ranting about semi philosophical concepts. I’m not gonna write it out though, it’s way too long, and not that interesting anyways. Mainly just me writing for the sake of writing.

OH, one more thing, before I forget. The assholes are contemplating pushing the internet curfew back to 9. I swear, it’s like they just WANT me to fail out of school and loose all my acceptances. *Tear*

I’m considering typing up the stuff I wrote in my notebook the day I got upset with him. I dunno, I think it might be best left on the paper. The one thing I WILL write from my notebook, though, is this:
Lol, random thought. When washing my face, I like washing only half the soap off, cause then t looks like I’ve got a great white beard. And, for that minute, I pretend like I’m old and wise. But then I realize that it’s just a foam beard and I feel young and silly again, and then I laugh.

I'm Not as Strong as Evie

I've destroyed my sister's life. She can't live because of me.
And there's nothing I can do about it.
Except hope. Hope that when I leave for university, they'll realize that she's done nothing wrong, and let her live in peace.
But that's a false hope. I know I'll just be leaving her defenseless, left to survive on her own. Faced with the numerous daggers poised at her.

All because I fucked up.

Dude, Willy Wonka's Online

Uhm, so, basically, my cat is the absolute cutest thing in the whole wide world.
Like, no competition, hands down, THE cutest thing alive.

She was sitting in my lap, and decided to stick her head under my sweater, and proceeded to fall alseep like that. Then, there was a plastic bag on the floor, and she realized it was crumply, and started wrestling with it. And when I tried to help her out of the plastic, she started wrestling with me. But she knew we were playing, so her claws didn't come out once, and she only pretended to bite.

I <3 my baby.

Asides from that, the weather is gorgeous, can't wait for summer to come. Though, to be honest, I feel slightly conflicted in that regards. I want school to be out, but I don't want it to be summer. My parents are sending me and my sister to Iran for the entire summer with my daddy. Mom can't come cause of work, and so the three of us will be spending two months together exploring Iran. This means I need to spend my only two free months (before I move away to university) away from the people that I actually want to be around. And then as soon as I go to uni, I'm away from my parents, but also away from everyone that matters. AND I'll be away from my baby. *Sigh*.

Life is hard.

Your Hair Was Long, When We First Met

You are,
My Sweetest,
Downfall.

<3 Regina Spektor.

Uhm, yeah, false alarm.
Apparently I'm not upset, and the cycle isn't over. I'm still waiting in line, but I'm also still talking to the chick from science class.
Haha, actually, I'm quite amused by the situation. I was still mad at him, but it's ok now, and I get it. It's just funny now.
He didn't want to end it after all, he wasn't tired of dealing with me (or so he says), he just wants me to get tesed for AIDs. I know, sexually transmitted diseases aren't a joke, not to be laughed at; I just can't help it. It's amusing, and so I will laugh. Only problem is that now I have to do that icky, icky, test.
Bleh.
Ah well, we will end this post in fits of laughter, and proceed with our lives.
Happily.

Mango Sushi, Anyone?

You're an emo kid.
You're so depressing to be around.
Why do you have to be such a rebel?
None of the parents like you, you know. They all know.. like, everything.


AAARRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Yes. Well. That is all.

No, wait it's not.
STOP MAKING ME CRY.
And,
I hate you.
No, not you, but you too -_-

I Was Hoping I Could Be Independent of This for at Least a Little Bit Longer

I guess not.

I hate the feeling that I don't have this anymore, but I can hardly stop writing for fear of having it read. Though, to be honest, I'm pretty sure he's stopped reading anyways, so I guess it doesn't really matter.

Everything was going so well, everything was beginning to fit, and yeah, I was rushing things, but it was ok, I thought.
Just the other day, I was sitting and talking to my cat. It was just like, this rant, about how everything comes and goes, and theres no sense doing anything because we just spend our entire lives waiting. And then, when we're done waiting, when our turn comes, we leave. It's like waiting in line at the movie theatre. Yeah, sure, you might see the cute girl from your science class, and have a conversation with her, but then she goes back to her spot in line, and...
Hold that thought, it's 11:11... I wish..
I wish all of this would just go away.
and yeah, you're back to waiting in line, and she might get in before you. Point is, nothing was accomplished, because the goal is getting into the movie. And right now, no matter how I feel, whether I'm happy, or excited, or curious, or whatever, it doesn't matter, because the cycle goes on, and then I'm sad again. I just wasn't expecting it to have such a short run.
I don't get it.
Wasn't he all.. into me?
Funny thing is, I was being yelled at today, by this guy, telling me "Don't hurt him the way you hurt ---- (the guy who took me to prom)". He genuinley believed I was some cold hearted bitch who just liked hurting people.
Crap, I think my internets being disconnected, so I'll just leave this here for the time being

What a Twisted, Twisted Game

So I think it occurred to me, just last night, why it is I haven't been able to write lately: it's cause people keep telling me to talk to them, and by the time everyone's done listening, I'm done talking, and no longer need to write it all down. It's kinda frustrating just because I generally enjoy writing in here, though, to be honest, it's kinda nice talking to people too. Either way, because of this new development, I may not be writing as much. I really should try to write anyways, just so that I can read all of it one day, when I'm old and grey.
I do have somethings to write about, so bear with me. First of all, this is kinda funny, but, the other night, I was having this really weird dream, and sort of semi-consciously, I wrote down the lyrics to the song I made up in the dream. I'm not gonna post them here, because they were ridiculously stupid, and not even complete. I was, however, fairly amused by this. Also, I've decided that writing in here when I have a crush, or a boyfriend, is a really bad idea, it ruins the entire air of the place, and to be honest, the stuff I write then isn't particularly interesting. I will mention, however, this new guy I think I'm really into. Only problem is that he's older, twenty, I think, and I don't see him much (though we have been talking a fair bit of late, via Internet). Oh, I lied, that's not the only problem, apparently, he's also depressed, and dealing with that stuff right now. That doesn't bother me at all, but I don't want to affect his recovery by flirting with him, or suggesting that I'm into him.
I dunno, I think he might like me too.
Uhm, what else?
Oh, another humorous/random event occurred, I got asked out to prom. Lol, but it was over Facebook, by the guy's female friend, asking if I would say yes f he asked me to prom. I wasn't sure what to say to it. I think it may've been a joke. I feel bad about this, but I'm thinking that I may just tell him that I'm already going with someone.

I visited Waterloo uni, too, by the way. I think I liked it, it was nice. I only went for this school play thing I was invited too, which was awesome, but I think what really struck me was a) the fact that they played Regina Spektor (Samson) at the end of the play, and b) the number of adorable/artsy type guys in the place.
I don't think I'd mind going there next year.
Anywho, I'd best be off, I haven't even started the pile of march break homework I got a week ago, all of which is due tomorrow O.O'

Out, Vile Jelly!

I'm really not in the mood to write, I just wanted to have a post for the month of march.
While I'm at it, I might as well inform you of the fact that I recently got my latest piercings; my second ear piercings. Also, Alice in Wonderland, the crazy Tim Burton movie just came out last week, and guess what?
I didn't get to see it yet. I don't even get to see it with the biffles because my parents are still bitchy and irksome. Thus, I get to instead see the movie I waited about two years for with my aunt. Yes, my aunt, as in my mothers sister.
I dislike this situation IMMENSELY.

Bahaha, one more thing, remember that older guy that liked me? The one I hooked up with when I was really wasted? Who got jealous because I was hooking up with another guy?
Yeah, well.. he's decided that I've just got too much drama surrounding me. He's completely given up on me and I believe he's begun hitting on my ginger.

I lied, theres one more thing I'd like to write of before leaving here.
Then again, I'm just really not into it right now. I can't be bothered to look at all my problems right now. So I'll just leave all this as is, and maybe next time I'll write all about the school Coffehouse, and the fight between my best friend and her boyfriend, and the even huger fight between me and my parents, and I might even mention the crush I think I may have on this boy at school.

Oh, I'm Staring At The Mess I Made

After looking back on my previous posts, I realized I had forgot to inform you of why it is I am afraid to write in here right now. This is how scattered my mind is, I don't even know which way is up anymore. Anyways, the reason I worry is because, due to the situation at hand, my parents have been digging up information on me. During out last argument, I got out of my father one of his sources, my laptop. More specifically, using Rogers Parental Control, or some shit like that. With this ridiculous technology, my parents were able to see everything I'd typed onto my keyboard for (according to them) three days. I don't believe them though. I've lost all faith in any of the words they tell me. This is because that's all they are now, words. Nothing more.
Even so, I couldn't bare being away from this for so long, I needed a release, and I don't yet have the courage to hold a blade to my wrist. My fear of pain is getting the best of me there.
I was actually explaining this to my friend last night. He asked how I felt and the only way to explain it to him was by saying that I don't feel anymore. Confused, he asked me to clarify. The best I came up with was this: You know how sometimes you just don't care anymore? It's almost the same for me, except now I don't feel. I'm almost numb to all of it.

I Think You're Saving My Life

I wish I could find the words to explain just how important you are to me. You're the only person who actually seems to care, or pretends to care, or is doing whatever it is you're doing. Either way, you helping me through this, it's like when a parent holds their kids' hand when they're crossing the street.
Absolutely necessary.

Thanks Feo,
I really do appreciate it.

If You Never Do Anything, You'll Never Be Anybody

I'm almost afraid to speak freely on here. So much is going on in my life and I don't even have the courage to take it out on my keyboard. I don't even know where to begin.
I suppose I can explain why I'm afraid to write here. But in order to explain that, I need to go back a bit.
Well, remember that post where I was saying my parents suspected me of smoking weed after the party, cause my jacket reeked? Well, that was just taken WAY too far. Basically, my parents decided to do some digging after that incident and found all this dirt on me. Namely, they found out a lot of the things I've done. This lead to us getting into huge fights, them thinking that I'm crazy, a pothead, a slut and who knows what else. Point is, any trust they had in me was completely thrown out the window. From there, it just got worse. For the next three weeks it was just fight after fight, and no hope for improvement. Needless to say, my parents decided I need help. Thing is, there's nothing wrong with me. Ok, so I drink at parties, I smoke, I sleep around a bit, does that really mean that I'm broken? No. It doesn't.
What makes me broken is the fact that I've gone crazy being trapped in this.. household.
That argument got me nowhere. The parents were insistent I see a shrink. More than insistent, actually. I had no say in the matter.
Before visiting the shrink, which was actually just a couple days ago, I did something stupid because I didn't know what else to do.
It was Valentine's Day, and we were still fighting and yelling and screaming. They were threatening to give the people important to me to the police because of the "dirt" they had on them. They left the room for a minute. I saw my advil container, in it were about 20 advils, 5 of which were the really strong ones the dentist prescribed to me when I got my molars pulled out. Almost on impulse, I opened the container, emptied the contents into my mouth, and took a gulp of water.
I was in shock.

My parents walked in again, and continued yelling at me. They didn't yet know. I was almost at peace, thinking "I won't have to cry for much longer". I spent the rest of the day in a state of semi-consciousness. I was in and out of sleep all day.
They soon found out, by putting one and one together. They know I don't sleep much, and when they saw how many advils were missing, they figured it out.

So now I'm seeing a shrink. I've gone once so far and I don't like it. My next appointment is next week. I really don't like this, especially seeing as I'm not crazy.

I finally told my best friend what's going on. Just yesterday actually. After three weeks of torture at home, my best friend is now aware of the hell I'm going through.

One last thing before I go, don't know if I've mentioned this before or not, but I've gotten two uni acceptances so far. Waterloo and Mcmaster. I'm still holding out for Western though.
I guess we'll just have to wait and see what happens.

Stop The Bleeding

No one should have the power to steal tears from your eyes.
It isn't fair to anyone to have to cry when they don't want to.
Thus, it is unjust for anyone to have this power.
They don't deserve it. It's not right.

Valentines Day Has One of The Highest Suicide Rates

I learnt something new today; it takes more than 20 advils to die of overdose.
Though, I may end up being wrong by tomorrow morning. Guess we need to wait and see.

My parents and I are still in a huge fight about the weed thing. Apparently they got some proof on me. I tried calling their bluff again.. it lead to them threatening to get the people involved in trouble. I left it at that.

I just want to give up. I cried the majority of the day, and then found comfort in a friend who's heart I think I may have broke not long ago.

I suppose thats only fair though, I mean, he's fair taking mine away this time.

I'm Too Close To Passing Out To Have Sex With You Right Now

There is so much I need to write about right now, but I just feel to worn out to talk about it. For now I'll give a brief summary until I find the strength to go into serious detail.
Starting from friday the 5th:
Friday night- concert, went to band's house to chill, Ginger slept over.
Saturday night- Aunt's wedding/gathering thing. Left that at 9ish, and went to friend's party after convincing cousin to drive me. Got wasted, wanted to sleep with a guy but had to deal with a previous jealous hookup who happens to have a.. crush.. on me. Slept over at friends house.
Sunday morning- Everyday is saturday night, but I can't wait for sunday morning.. Lol, I love that song. But yeah, sunday morning, woke up after about 2 hours of sleep and started cleaning the house a bit with the rest of the clean up crew. Jacket reeked of what I think to be weed, not sure though. Either way, it wasn't a big deal, I thought I got rid of the smell a bit. Sunday night- Family did a birthday thing for my mom, my mom was really happy because I wrote her a note in the book I got for her.
Sunday 1AM- Cousin and I get in a huge fight because I mentioned to him that I had a drag of weed at the party on saturday night. He's really against weed because he was fairly addicted when he was in HS. He then threatened to tell my parents, or the cops. Point is, we got in a fight.
Today- After school, dad calls, wants to talk to me. Turns out, he suspects me of smoking weed. Wants to do a drug test. I get mad, but bluff and say "Let's do it" before storming out and hiding. He gets pissed, tells my mom, and there is a huge fight when I get home. I fixed things with my cousin a bit, and then used the pity card on my parents and pretty much convinced them that I've done nothing wrong.

I love how I wasn't going to go into detail, but the summary's get progressively longer each time period. Whatever, that's it for now. I'll talk more about it later.

I'm Made of Paper Cranes, What Are You Made of?

My soul wants to take flight.
Broken wings keep me trapped.
My shell has been used.
Used and misused,
All with my consent.
And now I wonder,
For what did I give,
And not receive.
My battered heart,
Worn and torn,
Unable to hold any more.
I don't want to feel like this again.
_________________________


Hot water pounding,
Toes curling,
Head covering,
Tears rolling,
Arms holding,
Thoughts racing,
Cries reaching,
Not a sound escapes.


That's not exactly where I was planning on going with that, but I liked how it sounded so I went with it. What I meant to write was how broken and alone I felt and realized I was yesterday, in the shower. The hot water was pounding on my back, my legs curled up beneath me, my arms circled around myself, my head bent down. And all that I could think about was how easily I've been giving myself up, how all these guys just want to use me, because I've given them permission to. I wondered if there was anything else about me, other then my apparent ability to suck cock, that made them want me. Anything about me that actually made them want me. As a person, not a mouth, or an.. opening.
What bothers me most is that I actually still have no problem hooking up with guys. I just don't want these guys again. I'm still completely comfortable with random hookups. Which makes me realize that it's not because I'm particularly horny, I just seem to view hook ups as opportunities. "It's possible for him to ask me out on a date after our hookup, right?". Silly delusions, no doubt, but beliefs none the less. Something to believe in, something to hold on to.
It's all I have left really.


By the way, I'm totally over you. No, I'm not talking about you, though I'm totally over you too.

I'm Falling to Pieces

That's all really, I just..
I don't know whats wrong with me, my temper, my emotions.
Why do I get so mad, so easily?
I must be..
falling
to
p i e c e s.

I Don't Feel Like Talking With People Right Now

But it's not like anyone reads this anyways.

So, I was going to vent and spill all thats bothering me out on here, but then my friend asked whats wrong and I pretty much threw it all at him. I feel really bad about dumping all my.. depression? on him, but it did really help having him listen.
I feel that having intorduced this, I need to actually say whats going on, so I'm just going to paste the important parts of the conversation on here.

he says:
*tell me
*please?
she says:
*it's really nothing
he says:
*nothing is ever nothing
she says:
*i'm just tired of dealing with people
he says:
*tell me what happened
she says:
*my parents started flipping out that the bus ride back home was taking too long, and that i should have been back at exactly 6, so when i got back at 6:18, they were yelling at me and di was in a bad mood, but i couldn't go sulk because we had to go to my grandma's house, with a bunch of idiots i happen to be related to, namely, my cousins, and my sister, cause she turns into a mindless idiot around them. not that she isn't naturally a mindless idiot
*so i deal with their bull shit all night, and i'm kinda in my own world, until they ask me to pour ice cream for all four of us
*so i start, and they start nagging me cause i wasn't putting enough fucking ice cream for them, and they start bittching and saying shit, and calling the parents, and then my mom yells at me for leaving the hot water on (to heat the spoon to make it easier to scoop)and the bitches take the ice cream to the other room without a fucking word of thanks, and start flipping channles on the TV
*the reminder i had set for this odysseus movie goes off, and i change the channel to see if its anything worth watching
*they get mad again and start throwing things at me to change the channel
*while also saying shit to me
*you'd think my sister would, at the very least, give me a fucking second to change the channel
*course not
*all of them are throwing things and me and yelling
he says:
*wow...
she says:
*i couldn't take it anymore and walked out, to cries of "you'd make a terrible mother"
*and was about to break down
*then my dad walks in trying to "comfort" me, but he doesn't know whats wrong
*and then i completely broke down when i opened the essay i was working on, and found that it was gone
*now i just want to cry
*and i was crying, but that was attracting too much fucking attention, so i stopped
he says:
*wish i could do something
she says:
*don't worry about it
*i'm just so tired of them thinking of me like i have no feelings, like they can throw whatever they want at me
*it's like they think i'm just a really hard shell
*but i'm not
*and it hurts
he says:
*its ok, im always here for whatever u need
*i know how much it hurts
she says:
*thanks, i really just needed to vent
*you're a great friend :)
he says:
*:)

Sorry about the spelling, I was too angry/hurt/sad to worry about my spelling and grammar.

Why Are You Playing Solitaire All Alone?

I kinda flipped out at my parents tonight, about how I cared more about my friend then I did about my aunt and her stupid wedding. Maybe if it was a legit wedding, to a legit guy, I'd be less harsh. But she's marrying an idiot, and shes doing it on the night of a party I really want to go to.

I'm Taking it Slow, Feeding My Flame

LOOK UP THIS SONG.
NOW.
DO IT.
It's called Eyes on Fire by Blue Foundation.
It is.. CHUCK NORRIS.
ROFLCOPTER.
Yeah, but there's actually no other word to describe it's awesomeness.

And I am ridiculously fucked right now. My diet has consisted of cookie dough and monster energy drinks, my sleep (HAH, what sleep?) is like, 3 hours a night, and I haven't gone to the gym at all this week.
And I've been smoking more.

I just want tomorrow to be over, so I can sleep, and eat, and workout.

On the bright side, I think I finally learnt how to study.

Chuck Norris Is The Reason Waldo Is Hiding

I'm scared shitless that I'm going to lose my Waterloo acceptance if I do poorly on this week's exams.

Political Procrastination

What I Found In My Coffee Cup

In my coffee cup this day I did find,
a bat with it's wings spread wide,
the dainty fingers of a hand
poised to pick up an unseen object,
a monster carrying murderous weaponry,
the strong legs of a dancer mid-pose,
a dolphin leaping through the canvas,
the beak of a bird,
a dinosaur with its head held high,
the tiniest of hummingbirds,
lightly at flight,
a snake poised to strike,
and the elusive elephant,
who poked his head up through the mess,
just as I was finishing up.

I must say, I'm particularly curious as to what the hand is attempting to pick up. I also think the hand appears to be wearing a ring. On it's third finger.

In previous cups, some particularly clear images where a lion, a giraffe, and an owl.

What was particularly disturbing in my past three readings, was the emergence of the image of a witch.
In each cup.
Three times in a row.

This Stopped Making Sense After the First Line

Tough skin is overrated,
You're never really there.
When I close my eyes to look at you,
I wait to disappear.
I whisper to the dark,
In hopes that you will hear.
But the wind keeps softly blowing,
Your lies to me, they tear.
Tough skin keeps me breathing,
It leaves you in the air.
Come save my punctured soul she says,
It leaks, you see, right here.
The eyes, they do the same,
Salty tears they often see.
My heart, you see, she longs for you,
My brain does disagree.
So tough skin is all you left me,
To save me from myself.
For this I do not thank you,
She hates what she's become.

Ten Things I Hate About You

So, I didn't write this, but I love it, and the part in the movie when she reads her poem makes me cry every time.

I hate the way you talk to me,
and the way you cut your hair.
I hate the way you drive my car,
I hate it when you stare.
I hate your big dumb combat boots,
and the way you read my mind,
I hate you so much it makes me sick,
it even makes me rhyme.
I hate the way you're always right,
I hate it when you lie.
I hate it when you make me laugh,
even worse when you make me cry.
I hate it when you're not around,
and the fact that you didn't call.
But mostly I hate the way I don't hate you,
not even close,
not even a little bit,
not even at all.

Too cute right??
I got a bit teary just writing that out.

On another note all together, I found this scribbled on my notes. Must have been being philosophical again at some point and just hadn't realized it.
"Many ideas are considered naive if they conflict with societies general perception of the topic."

The Russian

Apparently one of my friends enjoys having conversations,
about my ass,
with his friends.

And I wore a lion hat today..
and played London Bridge.
And mauled one of my exes while wearing the lion hat.
The hat had paws too.

I'm going to miss highschool next year.

The Make Up Sex Is Good As It Gets

2:30 last night- Alright, it's almost 3, this movie has stopped making sense (Sherlock Holmes), and I'm not getting anywhere with my Politics work. Time to go to bed. Before I go, let's just check the e-mails. Mm, facebook mail. Fun stuff. Wait a minute, that's not from facebook. Shitt, that's from Waterloo. *Open email*. "Congratulations! You’ve been admitted to the University of Waterloo for fall 2010 in Honours Arts, First Year, Regular. " Wait, what? Waterloo? Isn't that a good university? Isn't it far away? HOLY SHIT, I JUST GOT EARLY ACCEPTANCE TO WATERLOO.

At that point I was wide awake, and couldn't fall back asleep. My facebook status was set to let the world know the incredible news and my fingers were dialing my twin to let her know as well.

Then it clicked.

No matter what happens, I'm moving out at the end of this year.

And The Attention Span of a Fish on Crack

Hahaha, so, my crazy friend decided to go get one of those microdermal piercings. It actually doesn't look as scary as I thought it would. But apparently it hurt like a bitch to do.
And it wasn't cheap neither.
'Bout a hundred bucks, I think is what she said.
What makes me laugh is that she went to that new sketch parlor, Pain Is Pleasure. But apparently they're good, and cheaper then Stingers, so I might do my tounge there. Not yet though, I have to wait till I move out for Uni. The parents would shoot me if I got my tounge pierced. They practically flipped out when I suggested getting my second ear piercing done.
All I know is that I will get it done. And after I get my tongue pierced, my next project will be getting my first tattoo.
Or maybe I'll get the tattoo first.

You Basically Have The IQ Of a Squirrel

I think I miss the feeling of being loved.
Today I saw the slightest, yet most adorable, display of affection from my friend and her boyfriend. Just the way he offered her his sandwich, and told her he had already ate all the peppers because he knew she didn't like them, nothing right?
Wrong.
It's the most wonderful feeling in the world knowing someone knows you, and more importantly, cares about you. Thinks about you. Anything.
Part of me thinks I maybe don't deserve affection. That maybe after behaving so.. poorly, all I deserve is poor treatment.
Maybe being alone is what I get for rejecting the people who were genuinely seemed to care about me.
Then again, did anyone really care about me to begin with? I mean, looking back on my last "serious" relationship, the dick won't even talk to me now. Some bullshit about how he's used to associating me with negative emotions. Don't ask, I don't get it either. So, if he can feel that way about me now, who's to say he ever felt anything else? Maybe when we were dating he was just curious as to what it was like to be in a relationship, and decided to play the role of a boy in love.

I suppose it's possible I'm just being stupid, but that doesn't change the fact that I really just want someone to hold me.
And care about me.
And just be there.

Baffump

Wow, lots to write and so little time. I'm gonna see how much I can write in the next 15 minutes, cause after that I need to get onto studying for the test I have tomorrow.
Ok, so, yesterday, me and a couple friends went downtown to participate in the Improv Toronto No Pants Subway Ride. Awesome? Yes. Very. Basically, about 300 people showed up, we were split into groups and scattered out on a subway. At a designated time, people started taking their pants off. Then, we'd get of the subway and get on the next one, without pants on. It was ridiculous. People would stare at us and whisper to each other, then one guy got pissed off cause we wouldn't tell him why we weren't wearing pants (my excuse was that my pants were in the dryer). Me and my friends decided to leave that early though, because we had decided to do Free Hugs that day too. We decided to take the no pants subway ride one step further and didn't wear pants for an hour or so outside. This lead to comments like
"Sluts!!"
"Godbless Canadian Girls"
"Aren't you cold?"
"Why aren't you wearing pants?"
"My head hurts.. I'm so confused."
And from one person "Were you guys at the No Pants Subway Ride?"

Lol, we then walked into Chapters and bought coffee. Our conversation with the employee went like this "Why aren't you wearing pants?" "I left them in the dryer." "Oh, ok. What can I get you?"
I'm not even exaggerating. It was funneh.
Afterwards, we continued walking around pantless, till we got to this clothing store and decided to switch from pantless to free hug giving. We pulled our pants out of our purses (to the surprise of the sales clerks) and I exclaimed "Wow, pants are warm, now I know why they were invented. Huh." I got laughed at for that comment. With our pants on, we gave our first hugs to the sales clerks. Leaving there, we began walking around the streets offering free hugs to EVERYBODY. Some people were sweet and gave us lots of hugs, some people pretended to get a phone call the second we were withing earshot, some people were rude (one old guy looked at us, scoffed, and called us "perverts"), some were hot (one guy with a sexy accent kissed us on the cheek for giving him a hug) and some were overly enthusiastic (we were asked for pictures a couple times, and woman got really emotional and gave us this huge speech about how much she appreciated what we were doing.. she even cried a bit). We offered hugs to busy salespeople as well, randomly knocking on store windows and holding up our signs (this was generally greeted with a "come on in and hug me!!") and we even hugged a store security person.
Without a doubt, it was the best day of my life. All the hugging made me smile from ear to ear the entire time.

So that was my weekend. Today, I hooked up with my ex-boyfriend (from elementary school). It wasn't really planned. We had been talking the other night, and decided that we don't see each other often and made plans to hang out today. So after school, we started walking over to this deserted barn that we have on our street. At first we were just exploring. The place was a huge mess, full of random junk, old tires, and broken couches. There were also horse stables on floor level. After exploring that, we found there was an upstairs as well. We continued our exploration of the upper level and found it to be much cleaner and in slightly better shape. As we were about to leave, he looked at me and said "I want to try something." and kissed me. We decided not to leave after that, and instead went over to the cleanest room with a little couch in it and continued making out. That lead to my shirt being undone, and then my bra. His mouth was on mine, then on my neck, then on my chest. He (very gentlemanly) spread out his jacket on the couch for us, and sat me down. My pants were taken off and his mouth was on me again. This time not on my face, but between my legs. It was beautiful. After I was done, we switched places and I had my mouth on him. Apparently I'm not bad at giving head, he kept telling me how "amazing" I was. Unfortunately, whether because of the cold, or for whatever reason, he didn't cum and I had to stop due to loss of feeling in my legs (from the cold). We redressed and continued making out, then sat back on the couch and cuddled as he attempted to thaw me out a bit (I was shivering.. alot).
On my walk home, I figured I had best let the BFFL know what had gone down. I called and told her what happened, and she told me I had horrible choice in guys, that the guy I picked this time was a known "bragger" and that she might be breaking up with her on/off boyfriend of the past couple years.Yeah, what bothered me about that though, was not that she was probably breaking up with him, but that, without it even happening yet, she's already looking for her rebound. I yelled at her and told her I didn't want her to fool around directly after they break up, but she wouldn't listen.

Couple more things, I know, I've gone way over 15 minutes, but I'm almost done, honest. I got in a huge fight with the parents last night, and it currently looks like me and the mother won't be speaking for a while.

In my last post I mentioned my hair: it's pink. Well, the underneath is. Well, it was. It's faded out now for the most part. Still there but not really. I like it. It's exciting.
And last of all, I think, remember the drunk hookup? With the drunken confessions of love? To the guy it turned out I wasn't really into the morning after, when I sobered up? Yeah, well, I just heard from the friend who's house that was at that the guy is still bitching and moaning about "What I did to him.". What I did to him? Really? When I was drunk? Besides that, I thought me and him were friends now. And fb now. Apparently not. Weird cause we'd been making plans to hookup. Looks like he's not interested. Meh.

All done, now TIME TO STUDY. Fuck.
Toodles :)

Drum Roll Please

It's the New Year, which means that it's been about a year of my typing to you. Well, not quite, but that's what it's going to look like in the side bar/history thing :). Seeing as it is the New Year, certain traditions ought to be upheld. For example, the customary "resolutions", reminiscing, and regretting. Thing is, I don't think I really regret anything this past year. Sure, I went through some shit, I dealt with a couple bitches, climbed a couple mountains, but I also got stronger from lifting the obstacles out of my way, or from jumping over them, as I usually did. Point is, why regret things? What does that really accomplish? I suppose, if one was to begin by regretting, and allow that regret to lead them towards something like, wonder, or curiousity as to what was going through their heads at the time, then regret would be a beautiful thing. it would allow people to do something they don't normally do, at all. Then again, I can't honestly say that. Not having been inside the heads of many people. I did just pick the brain of my good friend, and fb, asking him why he wasn't interested in dating me. I asked him what he would change about me. To which he honestly replied, that he wouldn't change a thing about me, and that there just wasn't a spark. What the fuck am I saying? I think I totally went off topic, and I can't believe I thought that he said that honestly. I don't know, I have trouble thinking of him as anything but perfect. Everything he says, everything he does, the way he looks, just everything. I adore him. I don't love him anymore though. I haven't really even thought about him like that since back then, a hundred years or so ago, when I thought I was actually in love with him. Silly, stupid me. I suppose there's a possibility that I'm in denial, and am just trying to save some pride by pretending. But I don't think so.
Anywho, completely off topic, lets get back on track with the New Years thing. Uhmmmm. I missed out on all the new years parties. I had just gotten off the plane back to Canada, from Arizona (where I had spent a week of the break with my sister at my, uncles? house). I saw a cactus for the first time, and we went to visit the Grande Canyon, which was absolutely incredible. Surreal, almost. Well, after I got off the plane landing in Canada, my parents were there to pick us up. We headed home, getting there at about 11:50, ten minutes before midnight. I hopped into the shower and ended up shampooing my hair as the clock struck midnight and the new year began. I was excited to go party after the flight, but my parents rejected that thoroughly and had me stay home the entire new years. I could've cried. It didn' really help when I got calls from friends yelling Happy New Years in slurred voices. But thats ok. No regrets. Hahah, Hakunah Matata.
I have to write more, about Malaysia, and about my hair, and my male "friends" and I'm sure theres more. But I'm not thinking straight right now, so I'll continue this later.
Night :)